Category Archives: Friends

Double Duty

So one of my big epiphanies while I was in NC helping out my friend N had to do with level of cleanliness. Seriously, I dunno how on Earth I made it to 41 y/o without knowing this, but I’m coming clean now. Good, you caught the pun!

I always thought clothing after some period of time, would eventually just become stained and a bit dingy. Not so much outside clothes, but def like undergarments… you know, like those tank tops I wear under my shirts/blouses or like undershirts (John’s Hanes tees). I figured, after a while, the sweat and periods, not to mention food stains, would just eventually win. And I was totally fine with that. Sometimes John would comment on my undergarments, like, are they supposed to be THAT stained? And I would respond all annoyed, like, You have no fucking idea what it’s like to be a woman. Bleeding outta my body is a messy thing and it’s a pain in the ass so fuck off.

So when I was staying with N and her mom for a week last month, I did glamorous chores like folding laundry, and truthfully, I was shocked and amazed by how clean all their stuff was. WTF, have I been living under a rock this whole time? When I went to do a load of her laundry, N instructed me to put in TWO pods of detergent, not one. I think she told me, bc she knows I come from a family of immigrants where you ration shit to death and use every last drop (e.g. add water to the dish soap bottle and use diluted soap until forever). I mean, yes, we use detergent sparingly, bc we have some fear that the soap will not wash clean and there’s no way I’m wasting water by doing an extra rinse. But anyway, while I was doing N’s biddings, I did as she said and I have to say, the whites were brighter and the other clothes were definitely cleaner. This was a game changer for me.

After I got home, I decided to test this new method out. Two pods. At the same time, John’s sister E turned him on to some new laundry product called Laundress. I also added that supplemental color-free bleach to the load. And holy. crap. This is what clean is!! I know, for my scientific method friends out there (you know who you are), I changed two variables at one time: both the detergent AND the bleach, so to accurately attribute the new level of clean properly, I need to wash with only two pods and then wash another load with one pod + the Laundress. But at the moment, I know the shit gets to a new level of clean with the double whammy. Thankfully, the extra detergent still washes out without a soapy residue. So life is good. Who knew John’s t-shirts could ever get so damn white? And stained undergarments are no longer the norm. Haha, I am always learning new secrets.

Love isn’t a Fantasyland

Wow, I just came across this very insightful post (but kinda ignore the title…), and I love it's brutal truth. In honesty, I believe it applies to all love: family, friendship, AND romantic.

The thing is, the pain you cause each other is rooted in beauty on some level. Because the more you love someone, the more vulnerable you are to them.

Marvels of Medicine

Well another busy week has come and gone. After my candid camera open house incident last Saturday, I hopped a red eye to Wilmington NC to help my childhood friend with her knee replacement surgery.

Long story short, the good news is that surgery went well, and she is already up and moving with the help of a walker. I mean, the entire knee except for the patella was replaced so to me, what another fucking marvel of modern medicine. I was worried at first about her getting the procedure done in small town Wilmington but as it turned out, the hospital staff were incredibly nice and with Wilmington being a big retirement spot, lots of knee replacements are getting done! She seemed to be in very capable hands.

The downside of this trip was basically the realities of adulting. When you're a working professional without a spouse, without many close friends, plus you don't have a workable relationship with your mother, shit gets real real fast.

N is probably my longest friend but she has quirks that make her difficult, esp when she is under excruciating pain and you're a caretaking newb… Man, I was losing my own damn patience, of which there was very little in the first place. Honestly, some days I think it's a shitty deal to be a responsible doer kind of personality. I mean, look at my brother. All he has to ever care or worry about is himself. Doesn't even have to provide tech support, buy plane tickets, call vendors and contractors, research random things, provide any kind of help or support to anyone. And he just skates on by…. Fucking bastard. Oh well. My life is what it is. I'm privileged and lucky on so many other levels. Interestingly, my father shared a Chinese saying the last time they were here: the one who is most competent does the most. I have seen how this plays out with my father and his marriage and family. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm relieved N's surgery went well and it was good to be there as a buffer between her and her mother. I, of all people, understand that. I know too that it meant a lot to have me there, bc N was anxious. Still, eventually, I had to go home, and now she and her mother are left to figure recovery out together.

The whole thing just really highlighted for me how much a spouse contributes to a relationship. I mean, having a partner in life isn't just all about the good times. There are situations where you really need help and support, and so this trip made me see that all those compromises I sometimes complain about… they are worth it bc ultimately, love is a beautiful thing. It requires a shit ton of work so I won't say it's a gift that just gets handed to you, but there is so much comfort and security in knowing that someone really has your back during your most vulnerable moments. Even with all the good friends that I have, I can say with certainly that few people can really fill that space in urgent times of need. I used to always say friends are the family we choose for ourselves. That's only partially true. Sure, friends are helpful and wonderful assisting with the day to day but man, when health problems and life/death shit come into play, it's a different beast. I can use myself as an example. I'm super great friends with J&J, but when they wanted us to be custodians for their kid should anything happen, I declined. That's just not something I'm going to take on. I mean, if I'm not willing to take on kids for my own parents, I'm not going to do it for friends. I guess that really highlights how there are still differences and limits.

I was eager to help N but thankfully, it was a very short period… From her perspective, she definitely could have used more help, you know? Anyway, the recovery is going to be a bitch. She definitely has a very long road ahead. She's off work for a month. Her rental apartment is on the second floor of an old Victorian house. The stairs are crazy narrow and uneven. Thankfully, her mother's house is all one level and there is enough space… but they might just drive each other bonkers. I dunno. It will just have to be worked out.

Meanwhile, in vanity news, my face is all kinds of breaking out. The cysts are back. Of course I got shit sleep while I was in NC. It was seriously like being back in the hospital with my grandfather when he fell. There was minimal down time. Between the constant discomfort requiring adjustments or meds or water or icing or re-propping of pillows and towels… there was a lot going on. Maybe if I had kids, all of this would be NBD. I mean, obviously N's the one going through the thick of it but fuck man, caretaking really kinda sucked.

I'm now on my flight back home. I'm beat, but I'm slated for another open house this weekend. Like I said, I'm still in that mode where I just can't be bothered to chill the fuck out. Not yet.

Can’t Be Bothered

I was lamenting to my friend M the other day that being in startup mode makes me hyper sensitive to inconvenience. Like I’m so much in the zone, that I just don’t want to be bothered with anything. Examples? A trip to Europe with Bubbey. Or maintaining my side shave. Or going away for the weekend. Or eating lunch. Or continuing that skateboarding class. Or cooking at home. Or getting a dog, even. I just want to focus on building my biz.

And something about that feels so weird. I mean, not so much the vacation or hairstyle or that stuff: I’ve always been reluctant to take time off and leave work… but definitely something seems amiss with the dog thing. I mean, I love dogs so damn much. They have been such a huge part of my life, and to think that I don’t want to experience that relationship and that joy simply bc I don’t want to be distracted feels really narrow-minded. It bugs me too that already we have talked about getting a dog first around my bday in June and then that got postponed to August and now we’re talking about pushing it off again…

I really want to understand why this was happening. Sure, I’m very serious about my business. But seeing as I have been Rovering since Marty died, obviously, I can handle dog care AND the biz concurrently. Then, I was thinking about this mild fear that the new dog won’t live up to my expectations. I mean, after all, I am my parents’ daughter, so the comparison game is all up in my blood. Is that fair to the new doggie that s/he be compared to Remy and Martin, my angels on Earth? And then of course, there are the logistics. I mean, caring for an animal is a big commitment for another 10-15 years and with the overseas relatives and elderfolks and what have you, it can get complicated. Nothing we haven’t juggled before, but like I said, I’m super sensitive about my lifestyle right now.

M said maybe this all just means I need to give myself more time. I’ll do it when I’m ready. But I’m really bothered by my aversion to inconvenience. It’s such a shitty attitude! Some things are worth the bother! For example, I’ve always complained about going home for Christmas and/or blowing my PTO visiting family in Taiwan… It’s always SO much trouble, traveling during the holidays and shuttling around from place to place. But in retrospect, what I’ve realized this year is that if I had given in to my feelings of annoyance and dread, I would have missed some very important final moments with people we love. I did those things prompted by obligation and by compromise but ultimately, it was the right decision. And I feel like getting a dog might be a similar vein.

The point is, as much as I value independence and freedom to do whatever the fuck I want, I’m also a firm believer that there is value in the struggle. Discomfort = growth. Plus, you know the Chinese LOVE the concept of “eating bitter.” The more sacrifice, the sweeter the reward. Ha!

Long story short, I started looking at the puppy porn again this evening. I got Remy when she was six months and Marty we got when he was like 2 y/o. I always thought the next dog would still be an adult. But then I started perusing Copper’s Dream. OMFG. I mean, look at these faces. Already I have like three or four PUPPIES on my short list. Look how beautiful Rhea is!! Great Dane/Pointer. She’s gonna be biggins. Or maybe we’ll do the foster-to-adopt route with Zoey 2. Shit man, it’s like midnight and now I have a major case of puppy fever!!!

Practically speaking, we do have a lot of travel coming up: Wilmington this month, then Seattle/Vancouver and Austin in September, then Taiwan (maybe Seoul enroute) in November… I’m running out of time with my Companion Pass and I want to hit up Portland again, maybe Idaho, Chicago, and Wisconsin… Eek. And work: I gotta get more deals!! Argh. We’ll just have to juggle and make it all fit somehow. Sometimes, the juice is worth the squeeze.

Officially Old

So my friend G is turning 40 next month, and she’s kinda freaking out bc everyone she knows warns there is a noticeable shift when you turn 40. I’m sure some part of her thinks her friends are being overly dramatic, that there isn’t really a threshold that gets crossed… I suppose everyone has a different experience, but if I’m just speaking for J and me, turning 40 was not just some imaginary threshold. Shit got real. Big. Time. Some examples? First off, remember when Bubs tore his calf muscle just from getting out of his office chair to answer the doorbell? Yeah, even the doctor was incredulous bc typically that kind of muscle tear happens when people are running a race and you know, just busting out too fast from the starting blocks. As if we’ve done ANY kind of running in the last ten years of our lives. SMH.

Another example? Bubbey just ordered progressive eyeglasses. I mean, sure he got them from hipster shop Warby Parker. That does NOT erase the fact that he now needs special lenses that allow him to read books. OMFG.

Meanwhile, I am not faring much better. My skin and hair are going to the dumps. I dunno if it’s the stress of a new career or what, but shit is losing elasticity and luster. Also, I had to go to the doctor recently to talk about excruciating foot pain. Yeah, multiple times in a month, I got a shooting pain in the center of my foot. It was almost like a charlie horse or muscle spasm except that pulling back my big toe did nothing to alleviate the pain. And the pain lasted for several minutes. OMG it hurt so badly. Naturally, I did my own research on WebMD and between that and my grandma and dad having gout, I was convinced I had consumed too much purine-rich foods and screwed myself over. Well, the doctor immediately said no to the gout. And then he asked to look at my shoes. I was wearing my red Timberland wedges which I love and never had issues wearing before… until I turned 40. Yeah, those are the culprit, the doc says. The footbed slope is too high. So basically, I was told to take Advil and to do special toe stretch exercises, which essentially entail me putting my pedicure toe separators on my feet. And now I have spent like two hours scouring all the online shoe sites searching for decent looking old lady shoes. It. Is. Exhasperating. I am looking at all the old white lady country club brands: Rockport, Easy Spirit, Aerosoles, Clarks, Dr. Scholls, Hush Puppies… I ordered four pairs from Macy’s and only one pair from that lot might work. I’ve ordered another four pairs from 6pm. We’ll see how those do. Fucking A.

In other news, the lease for my Bimmer is coming up at the end of the year. J insists that I need a bigger car to schlep around all my realtor cargo. Those fucking open house signs are so fucking bulky plus the prep bins plus my mobile command center… So he has compiled a list of SUVs. Since my car will be a tax deductible business expense, I’ll likely do a lease. Still, I’m a cheap mofo and after looking at all the SUVs, I’m now leaning towards a mini-van. Yes, this is perhaps THE ultimate indicator that I am an old beotch, bc I just don’t fucking care anymore! My friend K commented that we will be the world’s ONLY childfree couple living the minivan lifestyle. Truth. That said, the minivan pretty much has the same cargo space as the SUV PLUS better gas mileage PLUS quieter transmission PLUS slider doors. And Bubbey has been hankering for a minivan for a long while (See? He’s old too.). I mean, at the point that I am having to wear orthopedic shoes, I might as well just give in to being an all around frump-a-dump. Seriously.

Fire Danger

John and I are friends with yet another Peaches and Cream couple. John used to work with the hubby, and they are kind of deluxe when it comes to food and wine… Oh yeah, we traveled with them one weekend to Paso Robles and that was when the hubby was horrified by my attempt to reuse a wine glass…

Anyway, they live in a townhouse complex that has zero outdoor space, so they love coming onboard the Houseboat to chillax in our backyard oasis. Well earlier this month, they were house- and dog-sitting for their family friend who lives in the hills of Belmont. We went over: hung out by the pool, chilled with the big golden retriever named Tank. They cooked up a fabulous meal: delicious dry rub ribs plus homemade cole slaw and potato salad. They were totally loving the lifestyle, though I thought being in the hills sure was windy… I know, MV has made me so fucking soft.

Regardless, we had a great time, but then later that night, John received a text from the guy. The fire department was just over: when cleaning up the grill area several hours earlier, the friend touched the wood chips used for smoking the meat. They were cool to the touch, so he threw them into the plastic garbage bin. THREE hours later, that shit turned into a roaring fire on the side of the house.

The friend was watching tv, he heard crackling or something and went from the couch to the side of the house and saw fire!?!?! The house didn’t have an extinguisher. Nuts. The plastic bin totally melted down, and the house has high-fuel eucalyptus trees next door. Thankfully, the fire was put out, but the next day, J went up to help clean. It’s a miracle bc the garbage bin actually contained the fire for a bit and the nearby brush didn’t ignite. They had to rent a truck to haul off the trash, get a pressure washer, AND get a new grill (the old one got melted plastic all over). What a mess, but the most important thing? Thank god no one got hurt. That doggie didn’t alert them to jackshit. It was a reminder though: grills are so damn dangerous. One time, John was using our grill and the fat from the meats dripped through the grates, and there was a big grease fire that exploded from the grill. Our unit is placed up again a wooden fence, near our neighbor’s tree. Thankfully, J put the lid down and the fire calmed down but man, it was scary. And we def keep an extinguisher on hand.

Trip Home

I forgot to update on our short trip home last weekend. What can I say: I still always feel some element of dread when I’m about to see my parents. It’s like a constant reminder of how to live life differently. Not in all ways, but in many ways. 

My father made some progress geting rid of stuff. And actually, his former office manager came to the house on Sunday with her kids and a huge trailer to haul off my old bedroom furniture and some new twin mattresses from the basement. I was glad that they turned out to be serious/actual takers and our stuff is going to be used. But I got so overwhelmed by it all, even just cleaning out my bedroom in prep for them to take the furniture. I mean, there’s like 35 years worth of stuff in that house. Nathalie drove up from NC for the weekend and helped, but she could see that it was too much for me. She reiterated the same things John has said: don’t waste your remaining time fighting and arguing with them about downsizing logistics. After they are gone, you will have full control over how to get shit done. It’s so true, and yet the clutter and stuff just stresses me out. N also commented about how old my parents are getting. It’s been probably seven years since she saw them, and I mean, obviously they are a much frailer version of their former selves.

And my mother is not well. Dad has been wanting to stimulate her brain with Chinese puzzles and games, but she is kinda beyond that now. We tried playing Chinese checkers and she kept playing a turn when it wasn’t her turn. I’ve seen this behavior before with my maternal grandmother and mahjong. Of course, my maternal grandmother is in her 90s. My mom isn’t even 70. Dad had been saying that he’s noticing more cognitive decline, and I was thinking he was just overreacting: mom has always been confused. But John also noticed. 

This trip I really observed how faithful and loyal my father is with my mother. He repeats his answers to her even when she asks the same shit over and over. He still is patient and remains her dedicated companion. He doesn’t show frustration or resentment towards her about it… he just remains true. It makes me wonder about my future. It is so hard for me to be patient and kind to my parents… even knowing what I know about her illness. I have my doubts about my caretaking abilities. And a part of me also worries about my own mental state. If I lose my cognition, what will happen to me? There is some element of fear for the future– both theirs and mine.

I see too the emotional burden this takes on my father. He has a history of taking on burdens and of being the dependable one for everyone. But I worry about his mental state, bc I know caretaking is incredibly taxing. Mom is supposed to get the results of her MRI on May 31. She is taking meds that are supposed to slow the cognitive decline, but the decline is still apparent.

I think the emotional toll on my dad is manifesting in the form of procrastination and paralysis regarding the house and his real estate properties in the area. I can understand the overwhlem and how debilitating it is. So for now, my offer is to suggest California as an option for their US base. Move out of MD, and get something in CA. Yes, it’s expensive and taxes are insane. But Stanford is right down the road, John and I are here, there is a legit Chinese community here, AND Taiwan is a direct flight away. For so many other reasons, CA just makes sense. 

After I got back from Maryland, I made a ton of calls and found a Chinese-speaking neurologist and geriatric specialist in my area. I confirmed that both physicians take Medicare. I got my mother registered as a new patient with PAMF, should she want to get care here. They may come out in July to stay for a week or so, before flying on to Taiwan. I suggested making some medical appointments for that time.

My mother is also speaking exclusively in Chinese at his point– probably bc they don’t really socialize much in MD. Taiwan offers more stimulation for her. My dad can’t be her one-stop shop for everything: socialization, activities, etc. Anyway, all of it is pretty damn depressing. And every visit, I’m still reminded of how distant we are: we just don’t have a close relationship. But I suppose rather than be disappointed and frustrated, I have to focus on what I can do for them. I do know how to get things done, and if that is the only thing I can do for my parents, I’ll be damn good at that.
Meanwhile, my MIL is in a similar boat. She has been going to physical therapy which has given her more stamina. That said, she’s still getting older, like everyone else. With every visit, the changes become more and more apparent. I know I’m like a perpetually stressed-out person, but this period in my life truly feels unlike any other. It’s almost as if all past periods of stress were like fake or trial runs or I dunno, tiny niblets building up. I thought those times were really serious, but I see how that the shit is just now starting to hit the fan. I feel neither ready nor prepared, but I guess that is the theme for life from here on out.

Changing for Love

Earlier this month, J and I headed to Nashville for a long weekend meeting up with my college bud J and his girlfriend M. In my head, I’ve always likened my friend J to Steve Carrell’s character in The 40-Year Old Virgin, bc he was such a cool guy and yet he had never really had a gf. I mean, he definitely has his peculiarities and certain obsessions, but really, who among us doesn’t? For some period, his college roommate, also a friend of mine, suggested that maybe J was gay or asexual, but I knew that simply wasn’t true. How and why? Bc J crushed big time on MY college roommate back in the day.

Anyway, through the years, I would sometimes broach the subject of dating, but he never seemed in a hurry. I wondered if maybe he was just one of those guys who treasured his independence and freedom. After all, sometimes I still yearn for those days when you really just do whatever the fuck you want.

Fast forward 30+ years after college, and J is dating (and moving in soon) with a wonderful woman. Always the adventurous traveler, J joined a backpacking group over a year ago and befriended none other than the head organizer. To me, it’s just magical to see that someone as quirky and as unique as J has found a match! They get along so well: she’s super positive and practically bubbly and that complements his cynicism and sarcasm. She’s also adventurous and fearless; he’s adventurous but more risk-averse and cautious. It’s a nice melding of two extremes.

And I have to say: to all those people who always tell me people just don’t change. I disagree. People DO change, but they change for different reasons and under different circumstances. I always knew J to be uber tidy and obsessive about his environment. Everything had its specific place. Everything was meticulous. On the flip side, M is much messier, more spontaneous. Whenever J and I ate a meal, he was like THE slowest eater ever. My friends and I used to joke that he counted the number of chews before swallowing each bite. This trip, he mostly kept pace, and you know Bubs and I scarf our meals down like a team of Hoover vacuums. There were other changes:

  • J is a strong introvert, and the thought of being later in the queue on a Southwest flight (based on how soon you check-in online) is a stressful situation. On our trip, when it was time to check in for their return flight to Boston, he was totally ready, like minutes in advance, right. Meanwhile, M was super casual and free. She fumbled around loading the app and was bumbling around figuring out how to check in, while J was super eager to get the job done. In any other scenario, the lack of readiness would have bothered him. But M laughed and teased and that really diffused his uptightness.
  • I remember too that when we were in Miami, he NEVER wanted me to take pictures. M is all about photos, and she loves cheesy posed pics too: she asks him to pose and he always obliges.
  • Oh and another thing: J is kinda a germaphobe. Like I said, he is very clean. Well, they told us this story about him getting her a bone box. You see, she’s an environmentalist by profession and by hobby. She works for an environmental agency issuing permits, and like I mentioned, she leads those backpacking groups. She also leads birding and naturalist classes for the local community education program. She also hikes and runs A LOT outside of all those activities. (Yes, J and I got another huge reminder this trip that we are out of shape and something needs to change. Seriously, we had like no stamina and energy, esp in the Tennessee heat.) Anyway, back to the story: As a birder and naturalist, M has all kinds of taxidermy critters and animal skulls. So for her bday, J got her a bone box, which is essentially a container into which you place an animal body part and beetles come into the box and pick the bone clean. So the story is that she obtained a bear head, and she put the frozen head into the bone box. But bc she set the box up off the ground a bit, the beetles couldn’t get in, so the whole thing turned into a nasty rotting mess. The solution? She got J to help her boil the thing in a big cauldron outside to then tear off the flesh. And J helped her with all of this!!! It’s pretty dang amazing. I mean, who do you know who would help someone boil a fleshy bear skull?!?! That’s what I mean! The things we do for love. SMH.

He’s still the same person, just a freer, more relaxed, and happier version. And I think watching them reminds me of my relationship with John. I have always been a control freak, and we’ve certainly had some very bumpy roads in our path together, but in the end, I know that relinquishing some of my control and uptightness made me a more balanced and adjusted person. If it weren’t for Bubs, I would be so much more serious and rigid and unyielding: I would be fighting so many more battles on so many fronts, bc I would never let things go.

I’m really thrilled for my friend J. And I will say: M is a big time doer, which I really like. I mean, I can see how she balances J out, and he’s in a good place. She gives his introverted self that extra boost to get out of his head and do things. Another plus: by the time John and I got to the airport for our flight home, I received a link to a Google Photos album with amazing pictures from our weekend. Haha, I could get used to this level of effortless travel. 🙂

Temecula Wine Country

Last Thursday, J and I celebrated 14 years of marriage. We flew out late that morning to Ontario, CA and drove out to Temecula. No one has really heard of Temecula, but I got wind that it was a smaller wine country in southern California, so I figured it would be a nice spot to scout out for a weekend.

Flying out of SJC, we are def getting our process down, and with TSA Pre, we are through security and to the gate in about 15 minutes. Yippee! On the other end, we did the over-optimization thing where J waited for our bags while I went to get the rental car. I know, we are ridic. But man, Lorraine over at Budget Rental hooked us up! What a pleasant lady. She had a warm smile and when she told me they were all out of sedans and only had the mini van available, I mentioned that J had a thing for mini-vans. She then proceeded to upgrade us to the Chrysler Pacifica, which ended up being an uber van. She was so sweet. As part of my new perspective on customer service/sales jobs, I’m going to write her a thank you note.

Anyway, J and I had a nice weekend even though internally, I was stressing out about hitting my 100 contacts… I know, I’m a total nerd. And when I talked with my friend N the day before, she basically said that my homework numbers were a false problem. I mean, true esp compared to her health woes (she now needs a knee replacement!!), but still. If I consider my homework numbers as an indicator of actual real estate leads that will come my way, it’s still important.. It’s fine: N and I go way back, so I understand her bluntness and her intention.

Anyway, I got us a room at Marriott’s Springhill Suites. Spacious but a bit dank and well, there was peeling wallpaper and cracked caulking… nonetheless, I didn’t feel like complaining after a long day. We had a lovely early dinner reservation at the local golf club. Yep, big time oldies in da house! I think we were done with dinner and headed home for bed like before 8pm. Haha.

Boy oh boy though, I sleep so much better when I am on travel. I dunno whether it’s all the things I need to do at home or the bathroom reno that’s cluttering my mind or what… I slept pretty damn well though.

The next day, we met up with my Duke Nonprofit classmate S (She’s also a camp counselor at Camp Wonder). Man, if you think I’m a research maven, this chick knows EVERYthing. Sure, Temecula is her hometown, but shit, I would not have that level of 411 on any place I’ve lived. She’s super succinct too, providing just the highlights without bogging us down with analysis paralysis. Yay!

Btw, I will say I got a warm lead for work! I’ve been posting some real estate stuff to Instagram and sending emails to my network… Turns out, a childhood friend is moving from PA to CA! She’s headed for big time snow country, but I was able to find a top producer agent and hook her up. We chatted via phone for the first time since probably college, and it was really nice to catch up! Kinda cool to reconnect.

By Saturday, J and I were ready to get out of Temecula. We hit up a couple of wineries with S on Friday, but J characterized wine country there as “very L.A.” In other words, beautiful and nice on the surface, but very little substance. For example, we did a couple of wine tastings, and the guy behind the counter just poured all the tastings out at once and then turned around. He didn’t even tell us what was what. Seriously, no description or background or tasting notes or anything. It was odd.

So on Saturday afternoon, we drove out to Carlsbad to meet up with my Chinese school friend, K. She and the fam have been in San Diego for many years, and we congregated at the Flower Fields. It was funny, bc there was a lot of back and forth beforehand on what to do and where to meet. She and the hubby have two small kids, and with the limited exposure that we’ve had, it’s stressful to figure out the right environment. She kept pushing back for us to just pick what we wanted to do and they would do it… J and I were so skeptical, but wow, what a pleasant experience.! Her kids are crazy well-behaved and the parents don’t hover. at. all. We had fun! But I will say, I felt a tad bit sad. For all these years, I’ve always considered their family to be a strong role model for J and me. They work hard but still manage to stay in shape and do all kinds of side activities… Things seemed different this time. They had let go of many of those past hobbies and I dunno: I just sensed some fatigue. I mean, their parents are both in Maryland and the fathers are having health issues, so I know the stress… I hope things get better for them. Sigh. Adulting is hard![FAG id=7509]

Small Things Matter

In the last few years as I’ve encountered death and grieving with increasing frequency, I have learned a few things about acknowledgement and simple gestures. Coming from a family who’s atheist and on top of that, completely stoical and non celebratory, I used to think that flowers and cards and small gifts were extraneous and overly ritualistic.

But my friend N grew up in a very different household. They celebrated Christmas AND Hanukkah. They always sent cards and postcards and magnets during the holidays and whenever they traveled. At first, it all seemed rather silly and frivolous. Over time though, as I grew into an adult, I really came to appreciate such gentle reminders: Hey, someone is thinking of you.

When my SIL’s boyfriend M died almost two years ago, my friend K sent flowers. That was the first time I ever received flowers in sympathy. J and I were so stunned, we had no idea who would do such a thing. But by god, they were lovely to receive. And now, I have decided to adopt that practice, bc I remember how strongly the gift and note touched me.

In recent weeks, I have been reaching out to more people for my real estate business. I’ve contacted old friends, former acquaintances, colleagues, etc. I spent FORever drafting my message(s), but in the end, I pushed through and reached out. I’m not gonna lie: the response has been pretty subdued, and it hurts. Sure, for many of the relationships, we lost touch, and now, I’m technically asking for help, so why should anyone give two shits? You know, maybe it’s me but just bc I’m asking for help, I’m not trying to con people or rip anyone off. I’m asking for help, bc I’ve never done anything to harm you, I liked you, and I have a desire to help people build stability and wealth through homeownership. Why wouldn’t you offer support or encouragement or a simple acknowledgement/reply?

I guess it’s my own fault for having expectations, esp from people I know. Maybe it’s too much to hope that people will genuinely wish each other happiness and success. Some days, it gets me down. Out of hundreds of emails, I hear back from maybe 20 people max. Sigh.

The other day, at my sales/prospecting class, we did this exercise for a few minutes where we went around the room saying “no” to everyone we encountered. The point was to thicken our skins, bc in this business we get a LOT of rejection. I am def getting better about it with strangers through all these prospecting activities we’re doing, but with people I know, it’s hard to move on and not dwell. J tells me it’s not about me. But it’s something that still trips me up. I know I have to just keep my eye on the prize, bc ultimately the only one who’s going to stop me is myself.