Category Archives: Friends

Not an Order Taker

Life is a funny journey. I think about all the people I have met, those with whom I have connected, formed bonds, stayed in touch… Some of them, I hold connections that, despite the distance and silence, the spark reignites quickly and easily. Others, the initial overlap and commonality felt so damn certain, so unquestionable, and yet life choices and paths happened later that seemed to deteriorate the bond almost overnight.

From the time I was in my early 20s, I knew with great certainty that I wouldn’t be having children. While I had helped my grandmother babysit a family friend’s infant during my middle school years and I fairly enjoyed the cuddly blob stage, by the time I had reached college, I felt pretty strongly about being kid free.

I’m sure the struggles of growing up with my immigrant parents– with their strict demands and constant comparisons and cultural clashes– created a home life that, while safe and secure, felt deeply rife with emotional chaos and daily drama. In my young adult life, the responsibilities to serve as a secondary parent to my brother– being at the same university and all– made me especially hate the constant nagging, harping, and mercenary feel of serving as my parents’ proxy.

The thing is, I am a responsible and trustworthy person. After all, 13/15 tests say I am ESTJ = Trustee. So I get why my parents rely on me for important matters. But the thing is, I’m also a very independent and self-directed person, so while I am dependable, I don’t like to take direction from others, especially if their approach or methodology differs from my own. In other words, I’m not a fucking secretary. I am ok with you telling me, “Here is Point A. Here is Point B.” That’s all. And herein lies the problem. I get called on to do things in manners/ways that I wouldn’t normally choose. If what you want is an order taker, I’m not the person!

So as we start encountering aging, illness, and death around us, I struggle with being selected as the dutiful one. Like the scenario with my parents and my brother. Surely, I will be tasked with being in a very uncomfortable role of honoring my parents’ wishes. Will that clash with my own prudence? Maybe our thoughts/attitudes with be in sync? Um, well that has nearly never happened in my adult life. I doubt things will be that simple.

I suppose my point is, some days, I feel tremendous burden with being a responsible and trustworthy person. Is it comparable to what I consider the burden to being a parent? That’s partly why I chose not to be one.

Or maybe I’m looking at things all wrong. But take my brother, for example. He does whatever the hell he wants. He is responsible for no one but himself. His choices are made based on himself alone. Sure, maybe he lives a lonely existence without a spouse or partner. But shit, he doesn’t have to research, plan, compromise, discuss, weigh, negotiate, persuade… he doesn’t have to do any of that. He’s just. Free. Am I oversimplifying? And I don’t mean to say that Bubbey is a burden. Bubbey is probably one of my easier relationships at this point in my life. But still, he is a person I still consider when making important decisions…

Maybe responsibility is like that of having a dog. There is responsibility but the relationship is worth it. The unconditional love is worth the obligations and the pain. Does that translate to people? Like when the shit really hits the fan, who’s part of the triage team? I mean, the bottom line is that sickness, aging, and death are scary aspects of life. If you can’t rely on your loved ones to help you during those times, what’s the point?

So how did this blog post come to my mind? I was thinking about my friends with kids. What do you do if you don’t like kids? I mean, I like my friends, but I didn’t sign up for their kids. Every now and then, sure, let’s see them. I don’t despise the kids. But it’s the same dilemma I encountered years ago with a friend married to a guy who irked my nerves. I signed up for the friend, not the two-for-one. Sometimes, I try to reverse the scenario. What if a good friend wanted to hang out and she asked that John stay home. Yeah, it would probably bug me. But at the same time, I feel like one outing without him is not gonna kill me. I like that we have a bit of independence too. I dunno. I suppose we all have limited time and in the end, it’s about how we choose to spend our time. Ultimately, it’s about priorities. For some relationships, they simply don’t weather extended distance and silence. When I feel frustrated by the distraction a child creates when I’m trying to connect with my friend, I’m told to get used to it. Or to prepare to not see the friend for the next 7-10 years, bc hello, welcome to parenting. Well I suppose we all make our choices.

Oblivious

Every day, Bentley goes for a walk at the school/park next door. Lately, J has been on morning duty and then I usually join in the evenings. Of course, we did this daily routine back in the day when we had Remy and Martin with us. And through this schedule, we started meeting many of the other dog owners in the hood, as everyone generally walked their pooches before and after work. I met several Chinese American ladies this way: one was the lady who always appeared frazzled/exhausted and complained about having kids ALL THE TIME. The other Chinese-American woman was like the exact opposite: super chill and low key. In all cases, we shared that special bond talking about our crazy Chinese parents. The dredging of memories and commiseration served an endless source of conversation.

Long story short, there was some period of time, about six months when suddenly, we stopped seeing the low-key lady. Occasionally, I saw her from a distance with her doggie: she always seemed bundled up in some baggy gym clothes. But that was kind of her m.o.– sporty clothing. Fast forward half a year and I finally spotted her again at the park in late summer. She’s standing over a stroller. WTF? I go over, thinking surely she is babysitting or something. Inside, it’s an Asian baby. I start asking totally retarded questions, bc I’m convinced there is no way the baby is hers.

Hey, what you doing? Are you babysitting for a friend? No.
Confused, I start thinking maybe she adopted a baby… Is this your baby? Yes.
But the baby is Asian, so maybe she’s NOT adopted. Like a total gauche dumbass, I continue…
Were you pregnant? Yes.
Totally shocked, I repeat the same questions but in other ways. You had a baby?!?! This is your child?!?!
Seeing the absolute shock in my face, she said, Sorry, I thought I told you.
Thinking to myself: Oh hell no, you didn’t tell me. I had no fucking idea.
I mean, for realz. I saw her in the winter, here and there in the spring, and bam! Now she’s pushing a stroller. Holy fuck.

So I was retelling this encounter to Bubs, and he was just as shocked as I was. Of course, when it comes to noticing women, he’s sometimes super clueless but still. How did we miss a preggers person? After some discussion, we concluded that we are so fricking averse to having a child ourselves that for any couple that is around our age (who doesn’t currently have kids), we assume they have the same exact intention. I figured she and her hubby were just childfree by choice. Nosiree. Most people actually want to have kids. Duh.

Same thing happened with our next-door neighbor. A few months ago, we’re over there for wine and cheese. Then bam! I’m taking out the trash one night as the wife pulls into the driveway. She emerges with a bulging belly. Due at the end of this year. WTF? When did THIS happen? You wanted to have kids? Mind blown all over again.

That’s the thing. I feel so damn strongly about our stance, that I can’t even understand or remotely fathom a different choice for other people. So then when pregnancy happens, I’m always caught off guard, immediately assume it’s a mistake, and am pretty much oblivious. Sigh. Live and learn.

Travel Fatigue

Some days, I can really feel my introverted side coming on strong. John and I have been doing a lot of traveling lately: he def has the travel bug and well, I promised to travel with him if I hit some goals. So in September, we headed to London with two of his sisters and brother-in-law. The trip went pretty seamlessly: J and his older sister did most of the planning– finding a conveniently located AirBnb and drafting up a rough itinerary for the week. London is a lot of fun, bc it’s a vibrant city with a lot of offer: art, music, food, shopping, plus a variety of tourist options. J always gets energized in a big city. He’s so great with directions and orientations and once you decide on a destination, he leads the way. But I travel in a manner where I like to go out and come back to the apartment throughout the day. After growing up with my father who always leads a jam packed itinerary, I enjoy sleeping in and lounging around the hotel in addition to checking out the sites. I like to rest when I’m on vacation bc I never feel rested at home. It was nice hanging out with his family in a setting different from the usual holidays and family dinners. And bc we had different interests, I actually got to see and do things I wouldn’t normally do– like scout out the Shakespeare Globe Theater and go on tours of the Tower of London and Westminster Abbey. But at the end, I was pretty pooped being in the company of people.

It was nothing about them– they didn’t irk me or anything. I just needed time later to re-energize, bc I’m an introvert. The last day, John and I branched off and checked out some cool spots– Regents Garden was beautiful: a grand, lush and colorful oasis in the city. We rented bikes and had fun zipping around. We got tickets to Lion King– a play I last saw probably 20 years ago in NYC. The story is kinda simplistic and not that compelling, but the music and costumes were as amazing as I remembered. Overall, a great time in a place that’s easily navigable and lots of fun to explore.

Two weeks later, I was on the plane again. Incidentally, my friend N needed a break/getaway from the East Coast. This was right around the time another hurricane barreled through. Thankfully, the trip was still on afterwards, and we met in Denver for a few days. Again, we had a nice time exploring the city. John actually found us a great hotel downtown, so she and I were able to walk everywhere. She is so much more active and mobile now than when she visited us in the Bay Area a few years ago. One day, we rented a car and drove out to Red Rocks Amphitheater and then farther out to Breckenridge– a lovely ski town. N’s had a pretty rough last couple of years, so it was nice to see her get some fresh air and to have a change of scenery.

She’s lived in Wilmington, NC now for a very long while: she went there for undergrad, went overseas and away for grad school, and then eventually settled back. But I think she’s outgrown Wilmington, so we’ll see if somewhere farther west will draw her as a next destination. We had a good time hanging out and exploring. Even though I’ve been to Denver many times, I still saw some new things. My fav attraction? The Denver Botanic Gardens. We also tried out the Lyft scooters for the first time: those were a TON of fun. I’m a huge fan and can’t wait to take Bubbey to ride them in San Jose. Overall, N and I had some good bonding time. It’s helpful to have a friend who goes way back– who knows the whole history and drama of the past. That said, the historical context also brings up a lot of baggage– not between her and me but you know, just discussions about our families and our mothers. That drama is never easy to talk or think about, and sometimes, I find that we get ourselves stuck with belaboring the past. But the good thing is, in the end, we always strive to help one another process the pains of our histories and move towards the future. Sometimes I wonder if the old wounds will ever heal. Is there a way to acknowledge the past without letting it hold us hostage?

After all the traveling, I sure am tired. You see, at my core, I am a person of habit. I like to be home where I have a schedule, a routine, and I know what I need to do. While I love traveling, my patience for it seems to grow more limited as I get older. I’m very good at researching and booking flights, cars, hotels, etc. I like laying out a rough idea of things to do. But beyond that, all the logistics and explorations once there requires a lot of energy for me. Unlike Bubs who grows more energized exploring a new city, the experience wears on me. I like new experiences and adventures just as I usually like meeting new people and making new friends, but those activities drain me… it’s like the explanation people give for extroverts vs. introverts. The difference lies in how they re-energize. If they gain energy from being with people, they are extroverts. If they need me time to recuperate, they are introverts. I’m a social and traveling introvert. I need the downtime to rest. That’s partly why we never travel for longer than ten days. I begin to fatigue by day 5 and then I need to get home to recharge.

Scared Straight Weekend

Well, I know I’ve been super inconsistent with blogging… It’s a very long story, but a lot has happened over the last several weeks. For one thing, the blog bit me in the ass again. You know me with my radical honesty agenda: my blog is my way of telling it like it is, you know? There’s just so much bullshit out there with social media and curated/manicured/sanitized content, and my blog is like my personal mission to be more honest about things than not. Well, it’s bitten me in the ass before, and it happened again.

Basically, a potential client did some digging on me just as he was signing on to work with me, and well, he had ghosted me twice before and he conveniently read about himself on my blog. I mean, I could have asked him, “How do you know that’s about you?” but it was pretty darn clear. And as J suggested, there’s nothing to say when something like that happens. My name has links to my blog and I mean, such is life. I stand by what I said. Obviously, the story is from my perspective. Maybe he had a great reason for ghosting me both times. Maybe not. Either way, the relationship was unsalvageable, so I just cut bait and moved on.

J and a few close friends of mine all had various discussions about it right after the incident. It REALLY bugged me bc in some weird way, this blog has been some sliver of a pipe dream for me… it’s something I have committed to doing since 2003 and there has always been some small piece of me that wished I were a professional blogger or writer. Who knows if that dream will ever come to fruition in the manner that I consider legit… for now though, the conclusion is that I’m now in a customer-facing role… more so than ever before. It’s probable to assume that clients commit to working with me under an unspoken assumption that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. And so while I may be free to talk a little bit about how their behavior and actions make me feel, perhaps I cannot be as radically honest with judging how their actions reflect on their character.

The challenge for me in this is that accountability for your actions ties back to my brother… I have personally witnessed how a lifetime of lack of accountability has caused so many problems… but that’s family and this is business. And actually, maybe there’s some irony in it all bc the client discovering my blog and declining to work with me is also a consequence of my own actions, right? The bottom line? People have reasons for behaving the way they do. And even if my blog doesn’t use names, maybe people don’t really want to know how their actions are interpreted by others, namely me. Needless to say, I lost a potential client who had a hefty budget. Sigh. Live and learn.

A few weeks after that incident, I had a relatively uneventful bday. But a few weeks after, we embarked on our Tiny House adventure in Leavenworth, WA. You know, this real estate business is funny. I spend months and months nixing vacations and holidays to put my nose to the grindstone. Of course, the ONE weekend I decide to plan a trip, I meet someone who wants to submit an offer on a property I host open. The timeline went something like this:

Sunday: I held the open house and followed up with this visitor that evening.
Monday: I followed up again bc the offer deadline was Tuesday. No reply.
Wednesday: The first offer deadline passed, and then the buyer decided he was interested in submitting.
Thursday: I worked on the file, reviewed the disclosures, plus discussed his proof of funds, drafted a letter to seller, talked loan options, contingency removal, pricing strategy… We were trying to get the offer in before that weekend of open house when the property would be exposed to another group of buyers, possibly increasing competition.
Friday: I fly to Seattle and all the while, I’m making calls, prepping the offer package, and struggling with spotty cell signal, no wifi reception, and problems with his esign.
Friday afternoon: Offer is submitted and accepted. List agent is super impressed and comments about how hard I worked to make this happen. Everyone is thrilled.
Saturday morning: Buyer changes his mind. I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out if there is a resolution to his issue.
Saturday afternoon: Transaction falls through. No fault of the property.

It might not sound so bad bc the timeline was uber condensed, but basically, I got no sleep and things were super urgent, super important, and super high stress. My three-day vacation got truncated to a 1.5 of enjoyment. Sigh. I was so very disappointed and bummed.

Nonetheless, the tiny home adventure was awesome. I loved the cluster of homes at the campground by the lake, with each house occupied by our friends. We cooked and picnicked around the campfire. It was lovely. J and I were the only child-free couple, and we dubbed this our “scared straight weekend.” Not only was our child-free choice reaffirmed but damnit, I kept bumping my head in my tiny home! You see, prior to this vacation, I was CERTAIN that I could live the tiny house lifestyle. OMG, I was so very wrong. No-siree. Cross that shit off the list. No f-ing way. Our Hanna house, as adorable as it was, that damn thing was like 170 sf. It was way too small. So we got scared straight a second way: no tiny house in our future. For glamping with the pals though? This arrangement was the bomb. And the kiddos had a blast too. I just wish I had taken more pictures. After we got home, the Houseboat felt especially spacious and luxurious. Muhahaha, everyone is happy now!

It’s Not About You

From a super young age, I’ve always been judgey. It’s gotten a shit ton better in my older years, but it’s still there. I think it cultivated early on, bc my parents are hypercritical people. They used to always have comments about shit– you know, boatloads and boatloads of (unsolicited) feedback. I think part of it is being Chinese: To succeed in their school system, you have to be competitive and to be competitive, you have to constantly know where you stand among the others. On top of that, my father is also a very straight arrow and he has a very strong compass calibrated to his own sense of right and wrong. People and their life choices (and the consequences) are then judged against that compass. It’s probably not anything that is unique to my father… everyone does this to some extent but he is just more pronounced about it.

So from childhood, I was very attuned to observing others and comparing/contrasting behaviors, qualities, achievements, etc. And more specifically, I was hyperaware of any inconsistencies or hypocrisies. It’s kinda strange bc now as a weathered adult, I feel like hypocrisy is just part of being human.

I may have mentioned this already but over Christmas, when I was home in Maryland, I met up with T, a friend from the second grade through post college. She’s the one with her parents in failing health and she’s the one left having to figure it out (lame brothers unite!)– like where they can get care and how to fucking pay for everything. It’s a nightmare lesson in poor parental planning, to be honest. Anyway, among all her family drama and burdens, she talked a lot about alignment– having her actions align with her beliefs. And a few years ago, I was all up in that shit. In fact, that’s largely what drove me to leave nearly all of my jobs. I just couldn’t stand the misalignment I felt with management and/or the mission. I had this notion that being true to yourself was of utmost importance.

But now I feel differently about things. I mean, sure, I still have a proclivity for the black and white. I want things simple, cut and dry, spelled out down to the t. BUT I dunno. With all the recent news and just grime that I’ve gathered from life, I really wonder now whether alignment (like fairness) is a realistic expectation. Take, for example, the animals. I know about the horrors of the meat/dairy/food industry at large. Yet, I continue to eat meat, drink milk, consume cheese, buy leather… I know about animal testing. And I still buy Covergirl cosmetics bc that’s the only shit that covers my blemishes without giving me breakouts. My younger self would NEVER have forgiven myself for these selfish and insular choices. But my older self? I dunno. I’m beaten down and tired of fighting. I feel like the best I can do is eat less meat or try to eat “organic” meat (even if I know the labeling system is bogus). Is it bc I am in survival mode? Or has life turned me into a nihilist? Maybe a bit of both?

Beyond my self-judgement, my judgeyness of others has also evolved. I used to notice and be annoyed by all the contradictions in people I knew. Like with my dad: how could he be a non-religious, pro-choice OB/GYN who repeatedly voted Republican? Or, even now, how can educated, “smart” people still support Trump? I suppose what I’m coming to learn now is that life just doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why did we ever have the expectation for it to make sense to begin with?

I mean, did you hear about MLK? Such an impassioned orator and advocate– the leader of a fucking important movement. Well, turns out he was a total sex fiend, philanderer, womanizer. His poor wife. That’s what I mean: People we admire, trust, love, and follow. They make choices that are so non sequitor. What about Elon Musk. Innovative, articulate, intelligent. Why is he always dating women just past pubescence? Ok fine, older than that but STILL in their freaking 20s. I mean, am I supposed to believe that the kindred spirit thing transcends so many decades of age for SO many powerful and successful men? Puhleeze. Look, no matter how precocious, I highly doubt that humans are mentally/emotionally mature and developed in their 20s. Just saying. So where am I going with all this?

I notice the discrepancies. But in general, they no longer faze me. If you were to tell me my mailman were a pedophile, I would not even be surprised. So if reality is just laden with treachery and deceit, maybe I just want a break from the incessant surveillance. I mean, I am exhausted by the constant watching. And ultimately, what’s the frickin’ point?

On a more personal note, the inconsistencies used to bug the hell out of me. For example, I had a friend tell me multiple times that I was like a sister to her. Every time my bday would roll around, she’d forget to acknowledge it. Not a huge deal considering my own parents oftentimes forgot. But she would call weeks later and say, “Oh, I don’t celebrate bdays or holidays so I never keep track.” Ok, that’s fine. Then, her sister had a kid. And all of the sudden, every milestone was remembered, and she even hosted a crazy bday bash for the kid when she turned 5. The lesson? Family is always different than friends. No matter what people claim.

Another example? John and I adopted Bentley in January. I have some good friends who have yet to meet him. I get that he’s not a human. He’s not a newborn baby. But if I, as a child-free person, acknowledge the importance of your child… shouldn’t you demonstrate a similar level of respect for my milestone? I’m not all up in a rage about it. I know that life happens. People get busy. I’m not infallible. But these are things I notice. And they bug me. My younger self would be far less forgiving. My older self feels it, is annoyed by it, but what more can I do? People choose their priorities. Life goes on and disappointment abounds.

Hmm, turns out I might actually be onto something with this “sweeping it under the rug” approach. Apparently, when people are chronically late, you shouldn’t take it personally, bc it’s not about you.

Yup, all happy thoughts today. It’s been one of those days. I spent the afternoon checking in on people (potential leads) and not hearing one darn word back. Jesus Christ. Why don’t people have the decency to reply? It can be as simple as, “Thanks but no thanks.” or “Not interested now, but please check back in two months.” Ugh. Time for a break– taking the pups for a walk.

Sick As A Dog

Well, I have now been sick for over a month. Fucking A! It all started at the turn of the year. Picked up the flu when I went to the doctor for my wellness exam and flu shot. Learning from my past lessons, I did not delay and contacted the doctor as soon as the symptoms came on. Went on Tamiflu. Then, at week 3, still had a lingering cough and still fatigued super easily. Called the advice line. Doctor prescribed five days of Zithromax antibiotics. Another week later (week 4, if you’re still keeping count), STILL coughing (dry cough) and still tired as fuck. Add in stuffy nose and sneezing fits. Yesterday, I called the doctor again. She insists that her constitution is like mine: she gets sick a LOT and for a long time each incidence. She thinks the cough is lingering bc now with the hot weather (yes, it’s been high 70s– unseasonably warm), our allergies are getting triggered, which makes recovery from the flu/cold take longer, plus the throat/nose are irritated. Ugh. It really is a pain in the ass getting tired every few hours. I know, this damn Year of the Dog has got me sick as a dog.

Meanwhile, my Peruvian posse visited last Saturday and left yesterday morning: this time 3 adults and 2 kiddos (4 y/o and 1 y/o). Due to work, which has been picking up like a mofo, I mostly just saw them for breakfast and dinner. Still, it was a good visit. I’ve hung with P’s youngest sister several times but this was the first time meeting the eldest, on her inaugural trip to the USA. They are super duper whirlwind travelers: In 15 days, they are doing SF, Vegas, and Disney/LA. All by car. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

Btw, I’m happy to report that our tiny houseboat has a sustainable carrying capacity for five adults, two kids, and one polar bear. I think I’ve finally got the Houseboat on a system where stuff is clean and things are relatively organized. My office/guest room is looking pretty good. Last year, I got storage cabinets and drawers for my work files so the paperwork is organized (mostly); the CB2 Lubi lounger is working out well as an expandable guest bed; and the room is really bright and colorful. My latest addition is a purple rug that I picked up for free two doors down. Who knows what it was used for previously, but my neighbor is a retired realtor who has a beautiful home, so I’m going to assume it wasn’t a shit-encrusted rug.

John also rearranged his desk recently so now his office is way bigger. We were able to fit a monster air mattress in there for my friend P. The babies were incredibly good. I mean, the 1 y/o is super active and gets into EVERYTHING. His poor mother is exhausted! Our home is not kiddie-proofed at all, so suddenly, all my remotes and coasters and decorative pieces ended up high up on the fireplace mantle. But those kids. SMH. They left the house for SF touristy activities and were out ALL DAMN DAY, like 12 hours?!?!?! I mean, not to be judgey but how come some kids can only last 2 hours max? Is it the kids or the parents? I dunno. But again, all of this just re-enforced how happy I am to NOT to be a human parent.

That said, Bentley is having his quirks. I tried to switch him to 100% dry food and he went on a hunger strike for days. WTF. I mean, it’s like a test of the wills over here, and it’s not pretty. Bubs made me cave after two days so I threw in my Rover dog’s canned food that was left with us. Argh. Fine, now I’ve ordered some canned to mix to go with the dry. Fucking picky eater. I was wanting the all dry food diet to keep his teeth clean… guess I have to pick and choose my battles with this special needs dog.

Also, he is still exhibiting trust issues after I had to do the ear flushes. He’ll let me do it still (now only weekly instead of daily) but he still tries to run away and he whimpers about it. Big baby. Then there was an incident where the 4 y/o was petting him and then she was going to brush him. He lied down all submissive and then suddenly barked and growled at her. I’m telling you, that’s going to be my biggest stressor– his unpredictability. Sure, he’s only been with us four weeks. Still. I mean, he’s at a size where he can really hurt someone, so after that, I am being hyper vigilant.

I mean, from what I’ve read, with fear aggression (vs. territory or possession or dominance aggression), he will try first to run and hide. The barking is also a signal to leave him alone. With other forms of aggression, the dog is more dominant and confident and will attack/provoke but… still. I just feel like I can’t let my guard down. I have to watch for his body language and signals. Thankfully, the girl was hardly even phazed. I was so surprised that neither she nor her 1 y/o brother were intimidated by Bentley’s size.

I’ve been reading up on dog training. That shit sure has changed in the last 15 years. Maybe it’s similar to how much parenting has changed: it’s all about desensitization + positive reinforcement for troublesome scenarios. No more training where you rule through fear.

Holiday Rollercoaster

Well, we’re now approaching the thick of the holiday season, so you know what that means: lots of negative feelings and tons of stress. Yup, while most people are getting all excited and cheery about reuniting and celebrating the season with family, my body is having its usual auto response of shutting down.

To be fair, my family has shifted dramatically in recent years, letting go of past obsessions and hostilities, but somehow I am still unable to adapt to these new conditions. And I’ve been feeling a lot of anger again recently. As I mentioned before, my dad has me screen his emails. And every. fucking. day. my brother is emailing dad this bullshit brainwashing content. I’m so damn fed up with it and yet I haven’t brought it up with my parents bc 1) Am I reacting out of habit? 2) Is this just going to make my parents more sensitive to something that perhaps they’ve already let go of? I don’t know, but I seriously cannot talk about my brother without feeling rage bubbling up inside. I mean, for the most part, he and I have been estranged since 2003 and STILL, he drives me crazy!

The other day, I decided to filter dad’s email for all the messages from my brother. I mean in the last year alone, nearly 40 emails about “health” topics. I guess now that he is all transformed by his Buddhist cult and selling his deer placenta, he’s the new authority in healthy living. To give you a flavor of his bullshit, the subject lines read like these:

  • Dad you and mom need to start jogging, to regenerate your brain and bring healthy endorphins into your frozen noncirculating bodies
  • Hey dad read this abt marriage
  • Get a healthy heart through nutrition and exercise not through pills
  • Watch “Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe – Full Documentary (French Subtitles)
  • What is true love?
  • Important, about statins
  • Accepting your spouse’s influence
  • Flu shot kills 100 seniors
  • Watch “I am a doctor and I now know the truth about vaccines #vaxxed #DidYouKnow #Praybig” on YouTube

Sure, some of his links might actually make sense or be helpful, like yes, exercise offers health benefits. Breaking news.

But also, crap like this is in his content: “This is the truth, dad. Sudden infant death syndrome is a euphemism being used for death by vaccination. Please watch this video, it is real people’s testimony not some bullshit study.” Mind you, this from a guy who insists that his fellow cult-member’s levitation story was truthful and legit. And now, he’s on the ‘vaccines cause autism’ bandwagon and tells dad that he needs to sell his Merck stock bc pharms are killing people. His bullshit makes me so mad. I’ll admit. If these messages came from someone else– someone I respected, maybe I would even give it some consideration. But coming from my brother? Go to hell, you fucking man-child idiot. The audacity! Are you seriously giving marriage advice????

What, now you’re a full blown legit medical professional bc you read the “Natural News” wire or you follow Sun Fruit Dan’s Youtube channel? Fuck off. I mean, I know the whole WebMD/Redfin/”I’m an expert in everything now, bc I have access to the internet” phenom is a popular trend now, but at the end of the day, am I going to trust someone who is a member of a cult, who sells supplements in an MLM, and who has a lifetime of ZERO common sense? Nope.

The thing is, I’m sure my parents are more “open” to Johnny’s suggestions than I am. For one thing, they will never admit publicly that their son is weak, easily influenced, and retarded when it comes to decision-making. Also, I suppose if they are trying to maintain some kind of parent-child connection, it’s easier to consider his points instead of just shutting them down. But shit, as his sibling and not his parent, thank goodness I don’t have to play by those stupid rules. His emails are annoying as hell, and I’m sure my dad clicking on that bullshit led to his computer getting infected with that fucking virus. I mean, hello: this is FAKE NEWS at its best. So every time I see this crap, I start thinking up things in my head. Do I just block his email as spam? How about for every email where he’s preaching and telling my parents what they need to do, they reply with a link about religious cults and MLMs preying on uneducated people and antivaxers causing a resurgence in measles and mumps… Or what about replying with links to studies about shitty sons and the heartbreak they cause and how emotional pain kills people?!?! ARGH!

These are the things I think of… and then John says to just let it be. On one hand, if I say something, I’m sure my mother will insist that I’m jealous of my brother and I’m trying to thwart him or discredit him or whatever. If I mark his email as spam in my dad’s email, then I’m making decisions for my parents without consulting them. I dunno. It’s a real dilemma, bc I probably need to bring it up with my dad but I can’t without losing my shit and without skewering my brother. Ugh.

I had my neighbor/friend over for dinner last night. She’s also Chinese American. Let me just say: it is uncanny how many similarities there are with our families. And when I meet other Asian-American daughters with immigrant parents, I see so many troubling patterns. My neighbor says her brother is also lame, unhelpful, and selfish. For real. In all cases, the daughters end up having to handle everything for their parents.

Speaking of handling parental matters, my mother is having incontinence issues again. At first, she insisted (maybe bc of Johnny’s influence) that her incontinence was tied to her taking the western meds. So she stopped taking them. Supposedly, the incontinence stopped. But now it’s back. Hmm, you mean the deer placenta didn’t stop the incontinence?!?!  Duh, so now mom’s struggling with staying dry. I research a bunch of adult underwear– I order a few brands, a few sizes. They show up at my parent’s doorstep two days later. Next thing you know, Johnny will tell her to double her deer placenta dose. Stupid ass.

Here’s the thing about my brother, I don’t really give a fuck what he decides to do for himself. I consider him too far gone anyway. If he wants to take his deer placenta and sit in a fucking oxygen chamber meditating with his Buddhist master, go for it. But don’t act like you know what is best for our parents.

I have an appointment scheduled for mom to see a neurologist at Johns Hopkins next month. I don’t want my brother getting involved with the physician’s diagnoses and treatment recommendations… You know? I mean, there’s no point in me jumping through all these hoops researching doctors, sending forth medical records, following up, etc. if Johnny’s just going to swoop in and tell her to throw it all in the garbage… Literally. He has done that before– told her to chuck all the prescribed meds. He’s a fucking saboteur. Ugh. And sadly, I don’t see how any of this is going to get any easier as we get older.

Making the Ask

I have so many thoughts these days crammed into my head. So many things to learn and do and figure out. I’ve been trying to work on getting more/better rest, but it’s slow-going re-training my mind to chill the fuck out.

My latest dilemma, as you know, has been this issue of why am I not converting these open house visitors into clients. I had a call with my bud G the other day. Dang, it was so helpful hearing her brainstorm and problem-solve from a different perspective. Anyway, G suggested some alternative ways of connecting with people at open houses. Like if I consider written communication more of a strength than my in-person communication, what can I do to expose that side of me to visitors? I’ve got some new things to try… unfortunately, I haven’t been able test them out yet, but I will. Last night, I just reached out to another 20 agents seeing if I can do a twilight open house (Thu/Fri evening) since I’m going to a retirement party on Saturday and then hosting my colleague’s listing on Sunday.

I was so excited to tell J G’s ideas and well, being the business dude that he is, his point was that: somewhere, somehow, other agents are converting these open house visitors into clients, so there is definitely a method that works. You have to learn and master that method. That’s part of your job. Ouch, right? I see his point, and I’ve been reading/listening to scripts to internalize that more. But at the same time, I’m also going to try something totally different– like a brochure about me or something.

The other thing is, I’m hosting that homebuying seminar later this month. So far, zero signups. It’s stressing me out, bc my coach and loan officer have committed to driving into the office on a Saturday. I’ve also been working on my slides, pulling market data and practicing what I’m going to say. It just would suck to have nobody show up. And John is away so I’ll also have to prep refreshments and all that shit. Ugh. Events.

I recently watched La La Land. I didn’t expect to like it, bc I hate movies that are musicals, but I was really surprised by the message. Two people fall in love with each other and each one has big dreams. They end up not being together in the end, and it’s so un-Hollywood. But I found it to be so realistic: love doesn’t conquer all. And there are sacrifices involved with pursuing your dreams and with achieving success.

There are several scenes that I can really relate to: Emma Stone plays an aspiring actress. She works and works at it. At the gabillion auditions, the directors cut her off, or don’t pay attention, or are rude, or whatever… the movie captures that very human emotion of wanting something so badly, of working hard for it, and of just. not. getting. it. OMG, I am tearing up now just feeling that disappointment and frustration of rejection. The truth is, for some people, that end goal never comes to fruition. In that sense, the movie was still very Hollywood: she becomes a huge star in the end, and Ryan Gosling lives out his dream.

I know that success is never guaranteed. I have met people who have busted ass their entire lives and stagnated. But I still have to take that chance. I’m not going to give up. Maybe my “joy” is still in the journey, not the destination. Haha. I dunno. But honestly, what else would I do other than hustle?

Still, I was complaining to Bubs last night that there are zero signups. He thinks the topic is too specific. Granted, the seminar is aimed towards a very specific group (non-permanent residents), but shit, given the number of questions we’ve gotten at open houses from people on work visas with foreign funds, I think it’s a really good niche. Whatever, trial and error. I’m iterating and we’ll just have to see what works.

I’m still trying to get the word out. I hit up ethic supermarkets, coffee shops, library, apartment parking lots… I dunno that my method is very effective. I also reached out to my ProMatchers (networking group) and friends who work for big companies, asking if they can help spread the word by posting to the lunchroom or whatever. It’s so hard for me to ask for help, but these are the new habits I must build. And hopefully, they will remember the times when I have tried to help them.

Ok, well I’m off to flyer at some apartment communities in Cupertino. Then, I’m attending a ProMatch mixer in the evening. I’m going to use my scripts on those innocent bystanders. 🙂

Crisis of Confidence

All the books on personal development and growth stress over and over again that confidence is everything. I have lived and understood this concept firsthand, and yet, some days my mindset is a real clusterfuck.

Since returning from Austin, I’ve been feeling especially tenuous, mentally. On one hand, I look around at a lot of the other agents, and I feel like my dedication is stronger and my method is more meticulous, more thorough, more careful, more intense. I know I’ll do a good job in facilitating any of the transactions. Other days, I get frustrated that so many months in, my leads still are not converting. I beat myself up for not being good enough, for being socially awkward/unpolished/inexperienced/etc. Why else don’t people want to work with me, right?

Then, John and I go socialize with other people, and I sometimes feel so self-conscious: I don’t watch their shows, I don’t drink their drinks, I’m unfamiliar with their hobbies, I don’t sync with their humor… and I dunno, what the hell can I contribute to the conversation?!?! By the end of it all, my self esteem is in the dumps. Like, why am I so boring? And when the hell am I going to fit in? When is this going to ever feel natural?

People close to me tell me I’m way too hard on myself. Maybe it is simply an issue of finding my tribe. For example, John’s tribe doesn’t have to be my tribe. But then that takes me back to my sphere of influence, whom I generally ping every month. Hundreds of people. Only a handful of replies much less leads. I feel exasperated, and my emotional state plummets further. Who does this? I mean, after an entire lifetime of being a social outcast/misfit, you’d think I’d be impervious to this crap. Apparently. not. Is it the influence of social media, creating this incessant craving for validation? It seems so ridiculously needy. SMH.

I’m trying to re-train my mindset to be more resilient, bc honestly, in this profession, I can’t afford the time nor the energy to keep getting down about this shit. That said, allow me to share my latest annoyance.

I reached out to my college roommate the other day. She’s the one who’s pretty much been a flakey friend ever since we were out of sight, out of mind and left school. Never kept in touch. I would send her gifts or notes or whatever. No reply. I found out on Facebook recently that she moved back to DC and had a second child. I suppose, that should have been an automatic drop. Erased from my life. But no. after the hurricanes, I emailed her to ask about her extended family in Puerto Rico. Partly bc I really wondered and hoped they were safe. And also bc my new profession tells me this is a relationship business as well as a numbers game. You have to reach a LOT of people. Maybe the lesson here is also that you have to qualify your leads. There’s no point beating a dead horse. Hmm. Mental note.

So anyway, now it is October 1. And I have to climb out from my stupid pity party and keep plugging. I need to dust myself off and rise again like the Phoenix. Haha.

Interestingly, I had a conversation last Thursday with another new agent. This dude is really inspiring. He is diligent about script practice, and he has all the different scenarios/scripts down. And beyond that, he has that confidence, that swagger. It’s helpful to see, bc when I watch/hear him deliver the scripts, that energy and momentum and charisma is undeniable. He is living proof that confidence is everything. So that is my hurdle I’m working to overcome. I need to build confidence, and I need more grit.

That agent, he actually shared a story from his childhood. He grew up dirt poor: he and his brother used to scavenge public areas for loose coins so they could pool the money and buy a McDonald’s hamburger to split. They were perpetually hungry. I know, it moves me to tears just thinking about people not having enough to eat… But the point of his share wasn’t to make me feel pity. His point was that everyone has his/her struggles and challenges. Bc he lived through that hardship and survived, this putting-himself-out-on-the-limb to be liked and to build rapport with strangers… it’s nothing. It’s just a game. If someone slams the door or hangs up the phone, who the fuck cares. He has lived through some real shit and that rejection is not going to break him.

It’s a good reminder for me. I mean, obviously, my life obstacles have been very different. But I see his point. I am strong. I have resolve. I know I will work hard and do a great job advocating for my clients. Rejection along the way will not break me.

New week kicks off tomorrow. Time to get my mindset straight again.

Emerald City

J and I are back from a few days in Seattle. We headed up after the Labor Day holiday for a mini escape and to chill with our friends G and J. We had a great time. G&J recently had a baby girl and they also recently finished a major basement remodel… I say all this bc clearly their tolerance for “projects” and disruptions is very high. G insists that her kids are very good, and from my limited exposure, it does seem like the toddler and baby are both obedient, even-tempered, and champion sleepers. Still, the parents deserve plenty of credit. There is just a way about both G&J that is so distinctly different from J and me. And I keep coming back to this theme over and over again: Bubs and I are highly susceptible to annoyance and irritation bc I dunno: we (but I especially) are just impatient as fuck.

For example, this happens a lot when we travel, and it happens ESPECIALLY frequently when we are in Seattle: we decide to go somewhere and then on the way there, we get frustrated with the traffic and once we arrive in the vicinity, parking is a beotch. Then there was a crazy line. Be it food, the museum, a city attraction, the boba shop….

Like one morning, we selected a place to go for breakfast, then we sat through shitty traffic to get there, we eventually found parking, and bam, the place was CLOSED due to some random gas line problem! Last year when we were in Seattle, we hit up this highly rated boba place. We got there when it was posted to open at 10:30 and it still wasn’t open. Waited ten minutes. Nothing. Then we went to a park and same shit. The Nature Center posted a sign that staff would be back at x time and then it was x + 30 min and they were still gone. This trip, it happened again for the SAME boba place, then a second boba place (they just changed their fall hours), then I needed to use the bathroom at a third tea shop and no bathroom. Yeah, some weird stacking of bad juju. Story of our traveling life!

Needless to say, every time these glitches happen, I get irritable bc I’m hungry or my bladder is about to explode or I’ve been driving longer than I had anticipated and Bubbey is pissing me off as a navigator… I get really irked. But then I ask that question: “What would G do?” And I know that she wouldn’t waste her energy getting upset. She would just go to the next option and move on to Plan B. Shrug. I’m trying to work on my tolerance. To a small extent, I do try to keep it inside in hopes that the negative energy will dissipate. That said, I suppose there will always be some element of histrionics. I am my parents’ daughter after all, and if anything, I suppose it makes for decent blogging fodder. 🙂

Beyond that minor stuff, we had a lovely time hanging with our buds and also going around the city solo. It was a good mix of friend time and self exploration. J and I found a very cool Japanese store, chock full of stationery, kitchen wares, makeup, food… It was a very clean and tidy all-in-one shop adjacent to a Japanese supermarket. So much spiffier than Chinese markets, but J said the prices are also triple, so obviously, I just browsed and didn’t buy. Regardless, that place occupied us for a couple hours. We also did a lot of walking around the various districts: Ballard, West Seattle, downtown… On the home front, we had full use of their new basement palace, which is deluxe: living room, tv, bedroom, bathroom— a whole renovated floor with +/- 1000sf of living space.

Weather-wise, Seattle was unseasonably hot and muggy– I’ve never been in Seattle with hazy and ashy air (wildfires). That kept us from doing too much outdoor activity– that plus we are out-of-shape and lazy. Our last night there, my friend D and his Japanese wife came over and we all ordered takeout. She was a really nice lady: very kind (she volunteers at the animal shelter) and adventurous (they’v done a good bit of traveling, including staying at castles in Portugal!). And they are preggers! It really is something else to see people transition into different phases of life… I mean, sure, we’re all essentially the same people we were decades ago but dang, so many new responsibilities and perspectives! Makes me think of my college roommate. She just had her second kid. Honestly, I didn’t even know she was preggers and then one day on FB, there’s a posting about mommy and baby girl doing fine. Huh, when did THAT happen? I still have to adjust a little, bc my strongest impressions/memories of her are from three years of living together as college kids. Now she is a mom of two. SMH. It’s weird. Then again, I’m pretty sure she still sees me as that uber serious, very strict/square, stressed out, nervous Nelly. Little does she know, this Vix is the toned down version!! How’d THAT happen, right? Life, man.