Category Archives: Friends

Imposter Syndrome

I had trouble sleeping last night. Yesterday was a hectic day filled with learning, training, and job hunting, and even though I was exhausted by the end of it all, my mind just would not. shut. off. If you haven’t yet noticed, yes, I’m basically obsessed now with figuring out the game, i.e. the job hunting process. And following the communications training I attended last Monday, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed about my messaging and personal branding. You see, if I really am serious about working in communications, I have to have my shit MORE together. You know, like what’s my elevator pitch for 1) job hunting 2) casual encounters 3) blogging conference, etc. See what I mean? In each scenario, the audience is different, so the message has to adjust accordingly. I know, you feel I’m overthinking this shit. Trust me, I am not. Messaging is everything.

Since I’ve started ProMatch, I’ve honed my job hunting pitch a lot. But then today, at the BlogHer conference, I realized that I still have work to do in the other areas. This morning, I reunited with my friend E. We had met at last year’s BlogHer. She runs the awesome MommyMafia website, and we’ve been in touch throughout the last year. E is extremely savvy and smart. She’ll learn about random tools and then the next thing you know, she’ll have mastered the tools AND posted fresh new content created USING the new tools. That woman is nimble as fuck! Not surprisingly, she’s made amazing progress on the blog over the last year, and I know I’m gonna see some new content on there soon, because I saw her gears churning today! Anyway, this morning E introduced me to some of her blogger friends. But as soon as they asked me what I blogged about, I found myself scrambling and stammering. “Oh, I just blog about my life… I tell stories from my daily life.” From a communications professional’s perspective, that response is so bland and lame! I mean, there was no enthusiasm, no confidence, no oomph! E kindly chimed in that I was an awesome writer with a hilarious, sarcastic slant. And her friend continued, “Yeah, don’t dismiss your blog, it’s not just about your life.” So fucking true. Have I learned nothing these last several months? Why am I not owning this shit? Why am I not celebrating the value I offer through my blog? I don’t know. I have issues. Shrug. More shit to work on. Ugh.

One other thing I realized from the conference today? So many women suffer from imposter’s syndrome– the combo of two debilitating thoughts: 1) the notion that every success is solely attributed to luck and 2) the fear that people will eventually call you out for being unaccomplished and illegitimate. When I read or hear about imposter’s syndrome, it always sounds so ridiculous in its self-sabotaging ways. Yet, that doubt has visited me often, particularly in the last year.

We heard from so many accomplished writers and speakers today. One lady is even a current NYT best-seller, and she still struggles with feeling unworthy. She still worries that she’ll never write another good book again. Sound familiar? I find myself saying to Bubbey: I’ll never find another job again!  And yes, that is a major complaint. I want to work!!! But shit man, self-doubt is so annoyingly persistent!!

So back to the elevator pitch: yeah, whenever I’m on the receiving end of an introduction, I always notice when someone lacks confidence or when someone fumbles or mutters a half-ass reply. I’m not saying every interaction has to be perfect, but shit, those first few seconds are uber critical. So tonight, I’m going to craft my message– a strong, confident, charismatic message and then tomorrow, I will test. That’s right, baby: Iterate, implement, evaluate, repeat. What am I, a stand-up comedienne? Right??

In other news, I saw another one of my fav bloggers today. Flourish in Progress. Not only is she super fucking bad ass, but I just love her honesty about her struggles and vulnerabilities. Her candidness resonates so strongly with me, I swear she can bring tears to my eyes at the drop of a frickin’ dime. And on top of that, she is funny as hell. Definitely one of my favorite discoveries from BlogHer13. Unfortunately, I was too shy to introduce myself today, but I still have tomorrow. She’s way too cool for me, but oh well. I don’t mind being a fangirl. Haha.

Bad Vibes

I am feeling so frustrated today. Last night, I was feeling negative vibes coming on, and I thought maybe today would just be a rest day. But then I got up this morning thinking that I should stop feeling so damn sorry for myself.

Honestly, I dunno what the hell happened. I was just in NC for two weeks, where I had a great time hanging with N, learning tons at Duke, and making new friends. I was feeling energized like I had a path forward. And then, I guess I didn’t hear back regarding a few info interview requests; I didn’t get bites (yet) for a few job apps; and I can’t seem to connect with anyone here again. Busy, busy and next thing I know, Marty is really my only companion these days.

My birthday came and went… and while I got lots of notes and messages, I didn’t get any cards… well, namely from Bubbey. Before I had left, he asked if I wanted to do a party or whatever. I just felt like it was too much work. Then, he’s been working crazy hours on a programming project. Really major hours. But still, I was really disappointed not to find a card in my suitcase or on the nightstand after I got home… it just made me feel really sad. I try not to be a demanding spouse, and I’m trying to be understanding with his job, but I’m bummed about it! And since I’ve been back, I have mentioned it a few times. Three days later, and still no card. Again, I chastise myself for having the expectations– even if I feel they are small ones. Remember how Bubbey said it was a totally bad idea to bring up “lack of attention or effort” to my friend? Well, maybe this is a similar case: I’m doing my best. So fine, I have to try not to care about the silly card.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to seek companionship and consistency and reliability elsewhere. Maybe from some of my newer friends, like S from the Duke class. She’s flying up from San Diego to be a camp counselor for the Children’s Skin Disease Foundation in Livermore next week, so I’m going to go visit. On Sunday, my friend B made a deal with the hubby to watch the kids, so we’re gonna go all out crazy. Cougar crazy. Haha, just kidding.

Interestingly, my friend J, whose long silence really upset me, texted a message asking if we were on emailing/speaking terms. Weird, right? That’s why I feel like he is actually a super sensitive person… not meaning thoughtful of me but just that he DOES have an awareness of situations, that things are different from before, you know what I mean? On the advice of others, I had just let that one go… I was getting busier and busier, and I guess I made a conscious decision not to prioritize there. It sounds like he is still super overwhelmed with fatherhood and work. I always feel such a strong pull to solve my friends’ problems. But I dunno. I’m feeling a little at the end of the string myself these days, so maybe I just have to conserve energy and refocus.

While I was out in NC, I received a text from my plane friend, L. He said he hadn’t heard from me in a while, and he just wanted to make sure everything was ok. Such a sweet gesture. I don’t mean to gush, but this guy is just my kinda person. During my layover in Dallas, I sent him a quick email telling him about the Duke program and that I was finally scheduled to meet with his friend, a high-powered female executive whom he thought I should contact, and the dude replied in like two hours. And he always replies that promptly. I know, I’m so damn particular, aren’t I? In my defense, I’ll bet other people are just as particular but about other things, and they just don’t write about it on a public blog. Haha. Oh well. This makes me think of a term one of the teachers used in the class last week: Homophily. We are drawn to people who are like ourselves.

I busted out my rollerblades for the first time in two years today. I was trying to work off my frustration. It didn’t really help since I’m writing my little tell-all right now. 🙂

Yesterday, I went to the job training center in Sunnyvale. A friend had recommended the place saying that I was doing all the right things on my job hunt, but maybe the advisors could help me tweak my resume a bit more for the area market. So fine. Sat in on an orientation and a resume class. Apparently, employers spend LESS THAN 30 secs per resume, so it’s not really an opportunity to be creative. It’s just 1, 2, 3, done. So that’s annoying. And same with the cover letters. I read the samples from the class and honestly, I thought they were lame. Sterile even, but whatever. Guess I should listen to the experts. So today, I reworked my resume, and I have an appointment tomorrow with the advisor.

Meanwhile, I’m still handling contracts and scheduling for the ranch. It’s fine, but now I’m really using it as experience. So far, because of my new contracts,I’ve brought in 100 new kids to the ranch. Ironically, I myself haven’t been riding since March. Maybe the cowgirl is no longer in me.

Getting Back in the Game

Since we started this new month of May, I’ve been trying my darnedest to get my shit back together. For several weeks after Remy died, I had managed to appear outwardly fine and productive, but internally, I felt so sad and lost and unmotivated. But man, I had had enough of this downtrodden bullshit, and so I started telling my brain to get going again. Yes, I know, easier said than done– even if my mantra is “Mind over body.”

I resumed webinars and networking and social activities. I met up with my new BFF L last week. I was attending a tech meetup in SF, so we arranged to catch up beforehand for a quick dinner and a uke/harmonica jam. Turns out, he plays piano AND harmonica (which I actually have!). That’s the coolest thing about L: he’s pretty much game for anything. Random singing in a busy lunch spot? Fine. Bust out the uke and harmonica and cop a squat in Yerba Buena Gardens? Fine. Well, as it turned out, that day was hotter than hell, and I clocked a shitload of steps from Caltrain to our meeting spot across from the Gardens. And then the Gardens were totally blocked off to the public for some private MOMA event. Seriously? Then, he ran late due to work. I was thirsty as hell and really out of breath from all the walking (obviously, I’m totally out of shape now too). So we ended up grabbing drinks and appetizers at a local bar. But our conversation was great. He’s just one of those folks: we are just on the same wavelength. I’m getting to know him better, and I’m feeling good– like I’ve found another kindred spirit, and I’m optimistic that he’s a potential mentor. I remember in Sheryl Sandberg’s book, she talked a lot about how you don’t ever “ask” someone to become your mentor: it just happens. So I kinda have a feeling, but I guess I won’t be asking. We’ll have to see. But he talked about personality types (I didn’t even bring that up!) and leadership and nonprofit boards and communications… I felt really glad to have met him, especially given all the bullshit drama I’ve been feeling lately with some of my other friends. I mean, don’t misconstrue here: things are purely platonic, but damn, what a great feeling to make a new, easy, instant friend! I’m going to be in SF again next week, so we’re going to attempt another jam session. Haha.

In other news, my job hunt is going slowly but surely… The oral/written exam for the city at the end of April went fine. Pretty procedural. Thankfully, my round 2 interview was a lot more personable. I’m supposed to hear in a few weeks they say. And I’m also waiting to hear this week from an area county for a social media gig. Yeah, gov gigs but I’m still pushing the contract/unconventional job angle too…

Last weekend, I attended an anniversary celebration in Napa for Heifer International. A former coworker’s wife is an area manager for the org, and she introduced me to the executive VP of marketing. I was so stressed about my intro/elevator pitch in meeting the lady, but our conversation went great (not perfect, but better than expected), and I followed up this week with an email and LinkedIn connection. Tomorrow, I’m attending a Women’s Leadership Summit (I know, I am obsessed!!). I’m setting some new intentions to get my name out, pass around my biz cards, and hustle for contract communications/web gigs. We’ll see. I haven’t even figured out what I’m going to wear yet. Maybe my new dress with tights. Gotta be a power playa and all. I’m also considering busting out my new leopard print pumps!

Later this week, John and I are flying out to Vegas to hit a few national parks in Utah. Yeah, I’ve kinda been on a national parks kick lately. You know what they say: nature helps re-energize and rejuvenate, so that’s the plan. We’ve never been to Utah before. I got sucked in to their big marketing campaign on the Mighty 5 Parks. Love that website. We’re just hitting Zion and Bryce and then returning on Sunday. Weekend warriors. That’s the way we roll.

Different Realities

So after I wallowed in self pity earlier this week, crying about how certain friends were lame and didn’t care, I had a conversation with Bubs last night. I had drafted a note in response to my friend’s text, and basically, I tried to explain how hurt I was by his lack of follow-through and investment in our friendship. For some reason, I felt this obligation to be honest, to say something, rather than to just drop him suddenly. Initially, it seemed more adult and mature to share what I was feeling. And yet, when I discussed this with John, he said there was really no point in verbalizing my hurt and disappointment. What kind of reaction did I expect from this person after saying these things? He would only feel guilt, anger, annoyance… he would likely think, “I have a lot going on, so I’m sorry if you’ve felt neglected. Fuck you, then!”

Wow, really? John proceeded to say that people don’t have bad intention… they just get caught up with other parts of their lives. Why do I feel the need to apply such a scorched earth policy? Yeah, Bubs tells it to me straight. Maybe it is more for me… for my own closure, but he suggested that this could be an area for personal development, where I step away from such a binary view of friendship. Maybe re-classify relationships as dormant or active: people fall in and out of the active phase, but who knows, maybe later down the road we will reconnect and I might even call on them for something specific. Is it really necessary to burn all the bridges?

Then I REALLY had a meltdown. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me? I don’t know why I do this. I feel so compelled to speak what’s in my heart, and the consequence is that I’m unkind and just plain stupid. Later that night, I thought about the other times in my life when voicing/complaining about lack of attention yielded really harsh, negative reactions. Years ago, when John and I first started dating, I was so obsessed with our relationship. It was all about John all the time. My good friend N called to complain that I had dropped all my friends, and that I had changed. I grew so angry and irritated with her. Who are you to demand my attention? I’m not married to you. I’ll give you whatever attention I want when I want. There was something about her clamoring that really rubbed me the wrong way, and I refused to apologize for anything. I didn’t even agree with her accusations. The conversation went bad really fast. I was ready to just drop her ass. Years later, I guess she experienced something similar from a few of her friends, and so she called to say that she understood my reaction… But the point is, neither party was really right or wrong, it was a mismatch of timing– of where we were in our lives, of where we derived joy and energy, and things had shifted from the earlier status quo. I realize now that she wasn’t trying to accuse me of anything. She was simply trying to say that she felt hurt.

A few years ago, when John and I were in couples counseling, I remember that my biggest issue was that he was working too hard– at the sacrifice of our relationship. I didn’t feel he was engaged and paying enough attention. When I tried to verbalize this to him, he reacted exactly as I had done with N and as he suspects my friend would react were I to send my note: defensive, angry, dismissive. He disagreed with my accusations and insisted that he was doing his best. I remembered crying and feeling like he was asking me to back up my statements, to provide proof. It turned into a debate, and finally, the therapist jumped in and said: “She is telling you that she feels hurt. She doesn’t feel valued or treasured. Whether the ‘facts’ uphold the claim or not, this is how she is feeling. She’s telling you that she feels sad and unloved. Those feelings are valid no matter what you or she thinks is the truth.” And there it was: we (both engineers) had gotten so damn hung up on the “facts” and the truth. The therapist finally said, there isn’t just one truth or one reality. Both people for any given situation may have completely different reads on the circumstance, and yet both interpretations are TRUE. Whoa, what???? I was feeling undervalued. He was feeling exhausted and unacknowledged and criticized. We both loved each other very much, but somehow we’d divided ourselves onto opposing camps and more importantly, we had started to question and doubt each others’ intentions. In other words, amidst this heated debate, we’d really started to imagine malice and ill-intention in the other person.

And so last night, I argued that my intention for the letter was to share how I was feeling. But John said there was really minimal chance that the reaction and outcome would be positive. And thinking about these past scenarios, I can see what he’s saying. I remember that the therapist did say it was important for me to have some way to express my needs in our marriage before things got to a breaking point… a lot of that work involves saying, “I feel” rather than “I think.” And bringing my concerns up lightly without anger and criticism, to include suggestion in what I’d like to see… And then she suggested catching things early before they built up… I know, all these parameters come into play. Sounds frickin’ impossible to navigate, right??? I mean honestly, I still don’t have a clear sense for how to do this, and perhaps this level of frankness is still only reserved for marriage…

So I dunno. That’s that. I suppose the approach with friends is to build my tolerance and patience for those who are less responsive than I’d like, and to NOT question intention. Perhaps even make up a story that yeah, there’s just lots of unimaginable, crazy life things happening. And then to be grateful for what people can give and trust that they are giving as much as they can. Yeah, part of the ESTJ in me thinks I’m just making excuses for them. Just sayin’. But like John said, consider this an exercise in personal growth: don’t hate, be open, be gracious. Shit man, this “different realities” concept blows my mind. every. damn. time.

The Meaning of Friendship

Sometimes, I REALLY want to take the “radical honesty” approach.

I’ve always considered myself to be a good friend. I take a lot of initiative; I invest a lot of time. I think a lot about people I love, and how I can help them. I don’t always have answers, but I nearly always try really hard to find them. When I have parties, a lot of people I invite come, and my friend T says it’s a testament to people really valuing my friendship.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling pretty alone. Maybe all of this is exacerbated by Remy’s passing, but I dunno: she passed away, and while most people responded immediately, some people are still out of the loop completely. And so I feel frustrated and disappointed. I haven’t had the energy to tell everyone and anyone, and yet it’s just another example where if I don’t do the initiating, no one else does. No one fucking cares.

Sure, there are different levels of friendship, but god, what I hate most are people who say they want to spend time, they want to grab lunch, they want to stay in touch, blah, blah, blah. And then, unless I coordinate, nothing ever happens. Fucking follow through with what you say!! There were friends too who were mostly email buddies/penpals due to distance. If I didn’t keep up with regular emails, months would go by in silence. I heard from one of those friends today… seriously, nearly two months later. “Hope you’re well.” Really? Do you even give a fuck? I’m not well. at all. I lost one of my oldest and best friends this month, and did you even give a shit to check in, and see what was new? I know all of this sounds so petty and immature, but shit. Friendship is a two-way street. It’s not about me doing 80%, and you just showing up for the good laughs.

Yeah I know, life gets in the way and in their defense, how the hell are people supposed to know we put Remy down? True but for one thing, if they’d been listening, they’d know that Remy’s health has been up and down for the last year and some. They’d know that Remy was getting up there in age. They’d know that for the longest time, I’ve had a fear and dread of losing her. Am I being too harsh? I dunno, but I’m so upset by this that I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

How much energy have I expended on people, hoping good things for them, wishing them happiness in life, trying to brainstorm ways for them to feel better about their circumstances? And how many have done the same for me. People from college. People from my last job. People who know I left my job last August. Do they give one iota about how hard I’ve worked on this whole journey of self discovery? Not even a line asking how I’m doing, what I’m learning… Sure, life happened for these people: they got married; got preggers; they had kids; they maybe had a death in the family… I know life is complicated, but I made space for these people in my heart and in my mind. And now I realize that it’s wasted space. Why have I bothered to care about these people?

And yet I hate people who aren’t gracious. And my reaction right now kinda falls into that category. But I’m still upset! Is the answer to 1) voice my displeasure 2) not respond 3) cool off and then continue with the 80/20 MO? I don’t want to behave by ignoring them and being half-ass in my communications, and yet the other options involve more investment and energy. I dunno. I feel tired now. T is coming over for dinner, and she herself had some pretty disappointing job news recently. I’m going to go to the store now to pick up some ingredients for two new dishes for dinner.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. And a part of me is embarrassed and ashamed that I am feeling all this negativity. But I’m angry, hurt, and disappointed. It reminds me of people who suddenly get rich, they say you really know who your friends are. I’m not asking people to wallow with me in misery. I’m just asking that for once, they initiate a timely, sincere, and genuine check in.

Impeccable Timing

I write a lot about relationships and connection. There are, of course, different tiers, and I believe strongly in the whole, “friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime” concept. I also believe in kindred spirits. And then there are just some connections that are, well, I don’t know how to categorize them: close in a bizarre universe-like kind of way. I know, John is already calling me “California hippy-dippy” again.

You see, in college (pre-Bubbey era), I had the biggest crush on well, multiple guys really, but one in particular who lived in my dorm. We were friends, and I was kinda captivated by his good looks, superstar academics, and playful personality. Long story short, he wasn’t interested in taking things to the next level, so fine. The next summer, John entered the picture and frankly, that was that. But A and I have loosely kept in touch throughout the years, and truthfully, weird coincidences just keep happening with him. Like he worked summer research gigs 20 minutes from my hometown in Maryland. I then went to grad school in his hometown. Several years later, John and I moved to California, where A’s company was based (but he was living in the DC area).

About five or six years ago, after we’d kinda been out of touch for maybe a year or more, I was walking in my neighborhood, adjacent to a shopping center and a large Franklin Templeton (financial/investment services) campus. I was walking the dogs, and I could have sworn I saw A. I was far enough away that I couldn’t run up with two hyper dogs, but damn, he just really looked like him– all decked out in a fancy suit, with the same quasi-hunched walk and pace that had become so familiar to me our freshman year. So that night, I emailed him and asked if by chance he was working around Franklin Templeton. Nope, that wasn’t him but he WAS in the Bay Area for work. I mean, he flies out here multiple times a year, but still. Pretty bizarre, right? Then something similar happened another time. Same deal: I thought of him, sent him an email, and voila, he was in the area.

So this week, I was driving on I-280 past all that open space lands, and I thought of A again. He told me that every time work would send him out here, he would stay with his buddy in SF and make the drive down 280 to the office in Menlo Park. He didn’t mind the long commute, because it was so scenic. So I dropped him a line again, and whatdya know, he had just flown into SFO and was in town for two days. I’m serious. It’s not like he’s in town for weeks at a time where our location/timing would really have long overlap. It’s just a day or two, and EVERY time I email him, he’s in town. Totally random, but dayum, I gotta give myself kudos for impeccable timing, right? That or some strange version of a sixth sense.

Curious Questions

I was out of town for a few days last week. My girlfriend G and I met up in Phoenix to hang out and soak in some rays. Truthfully, the weather here has been pretty warm already, but poor G. It’s frickin’ 40 degrees and rainy in Seattle. Yeah, PHX was soooo nice: I mean, who can resist radiant sunshine and 80-degree weather? Ahhh, I am re-experiencing the awesome heat right now as I visualize the vast, desert landscape full of cacti. Goddamn, that was an great trip!

Admittedly, the vibe started off a tad neurotic because two days prior, I received an email from my contact at one of the foundations where I applied for a position. He mentioned bumping into the hiring manager briefly at the office, and then he wrote, “It’s probably best to touch base by phone.” So just to give some context: In the last several months, as I’ve been predominantly unemployed, I’ve struggled a bit with some confidence issues. I’m one of those people. Even though I participate in a lot of activities and interests outside of work, my work is ultimately what defines me. And maybe this is because I don’t have kids? I don’t know. Needless to say, I’ve had many bouts in the last several months where I’ve just been overcome by self doubt. So because his message didn’t specifically say, “The hiring manager thought you were awesome in your phone interview,” my mind immediately went down this path of catastrophic thinking. Yes, that’s what my coach calls it. And seriously, it’s bad. Like I started saying things to myself like, “I’ll never work again; no one will ever hire me; I don’t have anything to offer to world; I’m an unskilled person; I’ll never achieve professional success”, blah, blah, blah. Like I said, dra-ma queen. So after I received the email, I immediately started harassing John and G about all the hidden messages to this email. I was trying my best to apply all the tactics my coach had advised to combat catastrophic thinking (pick up the uke; ask if those statement are really supported by past experiences; breathe deeply; tell yourself a positive story to explain the email…), but shit, none of it was working! I was convinced that he was going to deliver bad news and wanted to let me down easy over the phone. Then, I had the call. And he was the coolest mentor ever! He asked me how my phone interview went. I rattled on about how I hit the big highlights, but shoulda/woulda/coulda mentioned some other things. Then he just gave me some advice on how the hiring process typically works for his department. He didn’t know for the department to which I was applying, but at least he shared from his perspective. Also, prior to this call, I had felt that our relationship was really formal. He had only really seen my work when I presented at board meetings and such. Otherwise, we had very limited interactions, but something about the call just made our relationship gel a bit more. I felt really comfortable and honest, and in the end, I was just so grateful for his insight. He said he really wanted the organization to hire good people. And that one statement just did wonders for me. I know, this whole time, John, my coach, and my friends have been reiterating this, but I always dismissed their words because I felt it was biased. They already loved me. How could they say anything NOT supportive? Somehow hearing it from someone a circle  or two out made it more real. I know, sorry to John and my friends. 🙂 I don’t know how to explain it, but it was just that tiny little boost that I needed to feel better again.

Since then, I still haven’t received news on the job status, but I’ve given myself some distance with it. I still feel like it’s an incredible fit, but I also feel that if somehow the hiring manager doesn’t see it that way, I’ll be ok. There will be other opportunities. Do you see how massive a transformation this is from my previous position? Yes, I have been all over the damn place, right?

As for the trip itself, it was great. G is doing really well. Time spent with her is always entertaining, especially because she’s super inquisitive. It’s just her style… I think it’s part of her analytical/scientific brain. Anyway, it’s always fun fielding her questions, like “What’s your favorite family vacation?” or “What are the most important things you learned from your parents?” or “If you were to meet John today, do you think you would get together?” Haha, yeah, questions that actually require some thought. I did find it rather interesting that my responses re: family tended to be pretty Debbie Downer. I mean, I’ve come such a long, long way but still. In comparison to G and her overflowing optimism, I basically just remember traumatic, bad experiences. The good ones mostly get stashed away, never to re-surface again. Even in the way I handle memories… I rarely like pictures with me in them. Scenery or objects are ok, but pictures with me or of people actually make me sad. Anyway, I learned some more things about myself from her interrogations.

We did a lot in our three days: pool time, shopping, a play, the Music Instruments Museum, and the Desert Botanical Garden. Both of the latter were really top-notch attractions. I would even take Bubbey next time! G says she wants to move to AZ. Uh, given the politics, I don’t think that’s a good idea for her, but yeah, maybe an annual vacation destination is more reasonable. Check out our select pics below– again, just a few with people. That said, I sure had a blast jamming on all those instruments in the museum experience gallery. I want a xylophone!!!
[FAG id=7403]

The Phoenix Rises

I made considerable progress this week staying in and sleeping a shitload. The infection is gone now (at least it feels gone), and I’m just battling remnant congestion. Whew! Today I am finally feeling near normal… three weeks later, of course!

Now I gotta get back to normalcy, because shit, I was forced to wipe my calendar clean for three weeks!! I missed out on all kinds of fun (I know, it was killing me!). This weekend I’m doing an all-day “dare to reinvent yourself” workshop tomorrow, and then I’ll probably just lay low the rest of the weekend. My strength is still sub-par. I’m considering climbing back into the saddle on Sunday while the rest of the town watches football, but I don’t know. We’ll see. All I know is, next week all my social activities are coming back online. Enough is enough, I tell ya!

In other news, I’ve got my next Coursera class lined up. Also, I’m getting back on the job application wagon. Yup, I sent out two apps this week, including one for an area family foundation seeking a digital communications officer. I spent all week crafting my letters and fine-tuning my CV and portfolio. I shipped the second app out this afternoon, so I could stop obsessing over the holiday weekend. Fingers crossed!!

Ok, well I had a pretty packed day. My buds T and M came over for lunch today, and I made pork chops with mushroom sauce. They turned out ok; then again, those two are easy to please when it comes to food. I’m just about hitting a wall now, which works out since I’ll need to be up early tomorrow for my workshop. I’m going in with an open mind!

Party Weekend

My friend’s retirement party on Friday night was awesome, well besides the annoying logistics of carpooling there. I have a friend who is perpetually late to everything. I think the conclusion I’ve now drawn is that I’m going to stop doing activities with her that require getting somewhere together on time. Next time, my message is: meet us there. Fuck, man. I’m usually pretty laid back about friend stuff, but for some things, I only have so much tolerance. Anyhow, the party itself was grand. I caught up with lots of field staff, and then, it was just a really touching affair. Lifelong friendships are really something amazing and magical to witness. I’m really happy for my bud. I just hope I still see him around after December 30.

On Saturday, we hosted our holiday party. Good times. I brought back the Morton’s pot roast from Costco. So fucking easy with roasted/caramelized veggies and always a winner. People brought great sides too. A bunch of maybes ended up not coming, so it was small turnout but a great time nonetheless. I wore a striped H&M dress that G saved from the giveaway pile. I paired it with my new studded ankle boots. Very fun.

Remy is doing better. She’s able to get herself up now with more consistency. The doggie door is still iffy, but I can just tell she’s getting her sass and spunk back. I am feeling much better now about being away for a few days.

I was back at the ranch riding yesterday. Shit, I had quite the workout. I’m still having issues with my locked/uptight torso but whatever. The night before, I studied some YouTube vids of people posting and on Sunday, I was determined to apply my mental skills training with concentration and uber focus. The lesson was good. Afterwards, I took the horse on the trail, and my goodness, he was hy-per!! All that winter alfalfa is pumping him up. I had a rather bumpy, fast ride down the trail. It was a lot of fun. I’m crazy like that: I kinda crave the borderline dangerous/fast/falling-out-of-the-saddle feeling. Livin’ on the edge, man!

Damn Good Day!

Well, today was a pretty damn good day. After my posting on Wednesday reporting that Remy was doing stellar, Thursday turned around and bit me in the ass. Remy was getting her groove back, and then bam! She regressed and had stability issues again. I couldn’t sleep Thursday night, thinking that I was going to have to put her down before Christmas. Today, she slept in really late, but when I got the leash out, she wanted to go out, so we walked around the front yard in the grass. She didn’t make it to the park, but she walked and sniffed around the lawn, and back inside we played our hide and seek treat game. (Basically, I toss crumbs all over the living room, and she forces herself up to search them out.) In the afternoon, she came into my home office a few times to check in and sleep.

Goddamn, I love Remy so much. I really wish she could live forever. She’s such a good girl. I left a message for the vet this afternoon to see why she might have regressed and to ask if there was anything more I could do to make her more comfortable. They said that she’s on quite a bit of medication now, so she shouldn’t be regressing… My only hope is that we simply overdid it on the exercise on Wednesday, and she was sore Thursday. I dunno. Wishfully hoping, I suppose.

In other news, I found out that I almost missed the deadline for quiz #3 of my marketing class. You see, normally, the quizzes happen every three weeks, but with this last one, it was only two weeks. Whatever. I did it this afternoon and scored an A. I’m a nerd that way. This is our last week of lectures, and then the final exam is next week!

I got the best news ever  this afternoon (regarding the ranch). I followed up with the YMCA program director, whom I had met earlier this week. He got the green light from his boss, and now they’re thinking to book FOUR weeks instead of the original TWO!! I am so thrilled. Gotta finish the year off strong, you know?

I’m also making strides this week with info interviews. I have one lined up on Monday with a very prestigious foundation just down the street. Then, I’m scheduling another one after Christmas with a different foundation, also not far from home. Time to get this whip crackin’, you know?

Tonight, I’m going to my friend’s retirement party for work. 33 years. I’m taking lentil soup and butternut squash/spinach lasagna. I hope people eat it all up! Party time.