Category Archives: Friends

No Complaints

A couple of my friends recently became mothers.They’re a few months in now, and I have to say, despite all the horror stories I heard from other acquaintances about parenthood, my two buds Y and G haven’t complained yet. Rather, they are so thrilled and over-the-moon for their little bundles. Not that the others weren’t happy about becoming parents, but I just distinctly remember my coworkers and acquaintances bemoaning the sleep deprivation and round-the-clock care their little babies demanded. Maybe, as a child-free person, I only heard what I wanted to hear? I dunno, but based on those stories, I was pretty certain both buds were in for a very rude awakening.

When my friend said she was planning a weekend escape to Vegas with the hubby and new baby, I was skeptical. All the logistics: packing, plane travel, dining out, breastfeeding… really?? Thankfully, a week later, I was pleasantly surprised that baby’s first trip was a huge success. Instead of schlepping all the baby equipment, they just rented swings and shit. They ate out, they hung out by the pool, and the baby was fine. No out-of-control incidents. Wow. The disparity between my expectation and her reality got me thinking: are some people just major complainers (myself possibly included)? Do they just drum up drama everywhere they go? Eek.

I dunno, but curiously, both buds are physicians. Is there maybe something about the medical schooling, training, and the profession that focuses them away from the bullshit negativity and strictly towards solving problems and getting shit done? I see a similar trait in my father. Well, more so now than before I guess.

Is the difference attributed to personality and attitude? A month ago, on my trip to Seattle, I was probably talking about my job hunt, and G said something to the effect of, “Yes, but you like a certain bit of stress.” She ended up rephrasing, but I caught her drift. In some bizarre way, it’s almost as if I am driven to some extent by stress. I think her rephrasing was more just that I always have a baseline level of urgency.

That weekend, G was waking up every two hours to feed, her husband was already off of paternity leave and back to working full time… I was there right in the middle of a very busy and transitional time, and yet being in their home, I noticed very little visible frustration. Things still got done, the dog still got walked, and everything was calm. In my mind, I contrasted that to my home where John and I are frequently irritated with work, with people, with vendors, whatever. We sigh a lot and are visibly cranky and tired. Such a stark difference.

I’m nearly always stressed about something. Lately, it’s been about Marty, my dad’s condo, my new job, J’s job/stress, whatever. I often think back to when I was growing up: my dad worked insane hours for his job, which was already an intense profession, and then he still had a gabillion other things going on, plus he was helping his family back home with their debts and money issues. He never lost his shit with his parents or his siblings. He never dreaded or complained about helping them. I’m ALWAYS complaining about the tasks I do for my parents. Shouldn’t I just be happy to help? I’m eager and willing to help my friends, so why am I so begrudging with my parents?

The thing is, everyone has her issues and problems. That said, maybe life really is about how we handle these challenges. I need to divert my negative energy from worry and anger and frustration to more positive things like solving problems, making progress, and getting shit done. J warns that personality probably plays a big role in influencing this baseline urgency, so while I should definitely try to be more positive, I should also understand that I’ll never be as even-keeled as G. So true. Gotta manage those expectations, right?

For this trip, both J and I are actively trying to be more positive and constructive. I know, we’re still on the flight over, so it’s very early, practically premature. Interestingly though, the universe has already rewarded us with a pretty painless commute from Caltrain to Bart to AirTrain to SFO. Also, after we arrived at the terminal, twice we got moved to the front of a new line– cutting down on our wait time with ticketing and security. And then, we didn’t even have to go through the x-ray scanner. Looks like positivity has it privileges! The universe is answering us. Haha.

Emotional

It’s been an emotional last week. On Thursday, I met up with two ProMatchers– both in their 50s. They have been plugging away diligently, looking for jobs. When I got home at the end of the day, I started to cry. I thought about all the people I’d met at ProMatch, and I worried for them. What will happen if they can’t find work? Some of them have been unemployed for so damn long, and unlike me, they don’t have the security I have. One man is in his 60s… He and his wife are now moving to Oregon where he has three job prospects (but no formal offer just yet). They don’t know a soul in Oregon. But the wife is fed up with the Bay Area, and the hubby can’t seem to nail down work. Sigh. I thought about all the changes and adjustments they would have to make… he seemed apprehensive about “starting over.” I just felt so overwhelmed for them.

John tried to comfort me: he said that they would all find work. Just like I did. But ageism is real, and not just in Silicon Valley. How will these experienced, wise veterans of the workforce compete with all those young kids, who’ve already clocked in their 10,000 hours of training? This is a fate we will all face sooner or later: the fight to stay relevant, the fight to stay competitive and sharp. I went to bed early that night, feeling deflated.

The next day, one of the ProMatchers emailed me that she got a job offer!! When I’d seen her on Thursday, she had just come out of a second round interview. She said she felt good about it, but she was trying not to get ahead of herself. She seemed like someone with decent self-awareness and perception, so I was hoping her instincts were accurate. Thankfully, they were. And what a relief. She and I had started in the same batch/class last July. She is super excited about this job PLUS it’s super close to home. I was really happy and relieved. That news made Friday feel a lot better.

In the evening, Martin started exhibiting anxiety again. During the day, he looked great– peppy and energetic, so I was thinking that the infections were subsiding. We won’t know for sure until later this week, when I take him back for more blood work. But the anxiety definitely resurfaced at night…. I’m still boggled by what is going on. Sometimes I wonder if he’s playing off my own worries and anxieties, as I’ve been feeling far more tentative than usual about starting my new job. I’m not really sure why. Maybe because of the duration of my sabbatical? I dunno. Then I came to a different realization a few days ago: Monday marks the first time EVER that I will start a new job without Remy. I saw this story on Twitter earlier in the week, and her dog Chubby reminds me a lot of Remy: similar coloring, similar size, similar pointed ears that sometimes fall away from one another. I don’t know why it feels hard to embark on this new adventure without her. It’s not as if I had conversations with Remy. It’s not as if I discussed things with her. Still, I feel an odd combination of emotions these days: nervousness, uncertainty, mourning, grief, excitement, redemption… I’m hoping that once I get this first day and week under my belt, things will be better. I like to consider myself nimble and adaptable. But I suppose, I still have unexpected moments of vulnerability. What a fucking inconvenience!!

On the plus side, I had a very nice celebration last night with close friends. I’m really lucky and blessed to have their support, love, and encouragement. Come what may, I know “I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.” Onward!

Ms. Know-it-all

On Monday, I completed my run at ProMatch. I’m still in shock that it was only three months ago when I had joined. Geez, I was so cocky too when I started. I specifically remember thinking to myself: I’ve read a lot of articles and done a lot of informational interviews. I already know most of what I need to know. But whatever, maybe I’ll pick up a thing or two. Boy was I wrong, because holy crap, I learned a shit. ton. And that is not an exaggeration.

I know, I complained a lot about ProMatch being rather inefficient (and a huge time sink). What can I say: I’m an anxious person. I always feel some baseline level of urgency in my life. I was impatient about getting a job. Still, somehow all along the way, the people there really started to grow on me. Yup, I got sucked in. Shrug. So at the business meeting, I delivered my Success Story– a three-minute tale about where I’d landed and how I had scored the job. In my typical M.O., I spent some time prepping my talk. In the end, I couldn’t trim it down to the three minutes, but whatevs. I tried to impart some wisdom and encouragement about this trying and challenging shared experience called job search.

John was certain I was going to lose my shit up there at the podium, but thankfully, I kept it together. Maybe the voice quivered a tad at the end when I talked about all those negative emotions that arise as part of the process: self doubt, frustration, disappointment, inadequacy… my point in mentioning all that drama was simply to keep shit real. Hell, this was no walk in the park, and just because I’d signed a job offer last week doesn’t mean all the issues and uncertainty go out the window. Job search or beyond, I’m going to be inconvenienced by these pesky emotions over and over again. The thing is though, I refuse to let fear paralyze me. Even if I feel doubtful, I will continue doing what I gotta do. The human spirit is incredibly resilient, and thankfully (and remarkably), I have discovered strength even in the deepest depths of my despair. Credit to my friends and myself. Haha.

What else. Man, screw this social anxiety bullshit. Any chance possible, prey and practice on innocent bystanders. Seriously. Orientations, meetups, conferences. I don’t frickin’ care. I just started randomly chatting people up, and heck, before I knew it, my palms really stopped sweating, and my face really stopped turning beet red. Shit man, desensitization works!

Anyhow, I shared a few other pieces of advice while I had my few seconds of glory. Maybe my parents are right after all: sometimes I do enjoy being a little Ms. Know-it-all. Ha!

Seattle Babies and Bums

Last weekend I was in Seattle visiting G and her fam. Baby O is a pretty smushy lil’ blob. Haha. G asked me a few times if I thought he was a happy baby. Ugh, do babies even know happiness at that age? I mean, they’re so freaking little. Plus, to be honest, I took a shit ton of pictures, and he looks disturbed or disgruntled or troubled in nearly ALL of them. Btw, sorry there are no pics of Baby O. His parents are privacy freaks. Ok, not privacy freaks but well, they DID close their FB accounts if that says anything. Anyway, I’m trying to be all respectful and shit about parents and photos of their offspring. Haha. At my last job, we had to get signed releases to post any kid pics.

Anyway, Seattle was great. October is a beautiful time to be up in the Pacific Northwest. We mostly hung out and talked. G and J were subjected to my job search woes ad nauseam. Then, I went on my whole “war on women” tirade. We did stuff with the baby and pup too. I actually held O a few times. I think G was a little surprised. This ain’t my first rodeo, folks. For some reason, my baby friends are always surprised that I’m anywhere near halfway decent with infant care. When I was in high school, my grandmother babysat a family friend’s baby. I got a lot of practice then. I dunno though, maybe people expect me to like feed babies lollipops or hold them upside down or something because I’m child-free. Haha.

G and I had a very full weekend. I flew in Friday, out Sunday. We went shopping. I scored a cool new puffy vest from F21. I also got a new dress from Target. Food wise, you can’t go wrong visiting foodies. They made steak salad one night. We ordered delicious Hawaiian food the next night. The morning of departure, they made French toast. I was re-inspired to get cooking again.

On Sunday, G and I hit a Korean spa. Yup, we got butt naked and wandered from hot room to sauna to hot pool to wet sauna to cold pool… we were there for like 4 hours. Maybe a little too much relaxation for me. Haha. First time doing the nude spa thing. I was ok, but ultimately, I do think I’m too uptight for that shit.

Good Food Takes Time

One of my favorite pizza joints in San Mateo has this sign next to the register. It’s worded in a rather impolite, unapologetic kinda tone, basically saying that good food takes time. If you want fast, go elsewhere for that shit.

This weekend, J and I were in Atlanta for my college roommate’s wedding. In undergrad, we were really close. We roomed together for three years, and during the summers away from campus, we wrote each other regularly. She’s the one who showed me how to make my own stationery envelopes out of magazine pages. After college, things changed. She went to med school, then entered residency. She was in the AirForce too, so she moved around every two or thee years. Life was especially hectic and busy for her. Whenever we got a chance to catch up, there were tons of new names, new stories, new travels to keep straight. Her personality seemed to evolve over time too. In college, she was often very last minute and up to the wire. Now, she was an uber planner: shit was plotted meticulously. Perhaps being a physician demanded this.

Throughout the years, she had numerous relationships. She fell in love easily, and this tempestuous and exciting lifestyle seemed quite glamorous to me. But by our early to mid-30s, I could sense that the routine was wearing on her. The dating, the mismatches, the creeps, the jerks, the nice guys who bored her… I felt her frustration, and I myself couldn’t understand the unfairness in all of this. I mean, how was this gem continually being overlooked? She was smart, assertive, self sufficient, funny, warm, fun… why was her love life such a series of misses? The experience exhausted her and sometimes she would take a break, but invariably, she would get back on the wagon and try again with renewed conviction. Maybe these are the moments when you understand that there is no real choice except to move forward. And voila! Two years ago, she met her match. And what a match S is. When you see the two of them together, the chemistry is palpable. They really complement each other well.

When I received the wedding invitation a year or so ago and discovered it was a destination wedding in Atlanta, a part of me hesitated. I wondered whether it would really matter if J and I attended. After all, Y and I had mostly lost touch. With some friends, you lose touch and as soon as you meet again, things are just like old times. With Y, I saw her a few years ago, and while we were certainly comfortable, we never quite recaptured that same level of magic and intimacy that we shared in college. Thinking about why, maybe there were things in the past that were said, things that were done, maybe there were aspects of being roommates for three years that just kind of weakened the relationship. I don’t really know. People change and evolve. Friendships ebb and flow. Regardless, I eventually decided that this event was the culmination of a very long and arduous journey for her. She had finally found love, and I really wanted to celebrate this special day with her.

The party was a huge bash. She’s Puerto Rican. He’s Egyptian. Enough said, right? Friday night, there was a mix and mingle-style dinner at a rooftop restaurant. Saturday night was the ceremony, reception, and dance party. The setting was a swanky hotel downtown, with a terrace nestled among skyscrapers. Awesome. Sunday was brunch. An entire weekend affair. We met her baby boy too, whom she had just birthed four months ago. Monster baby. I mean, I don’t know that much about child development, but last week, I’d just visited my friend, whose baby is 14 months, and Y’s kid is about that size. He looked so heavy hanging in her skinny arms and against her tiny body. But he was very cutely dressed in a tuxedo onesie, and he was impressively well-behaved. There were about 350 guests. We spent most of the evening with our fellow dorm mate, M. Good times.

Now, I’m on the flight home. And I’m thinking about the journey of finding the right person/job/place/anything. I don’t necessarily think work is at the same level of importance as a partner, but it’s still up there. I met a lot of power players at the wedding: ER surgeons. Dentists. Lawyers. Corporates. The comparison game happens like clockwork. Even though I anticipate the reaction and the pitfall, the response is automatic, practically innate. I’m broken, ordinary, lost, unwanted, unskilled, utterly uncompelling. I know these thoughts do not serve me. I know they are self-destructive. But I am overwhelmed, feeling like I am the only person who has not figured out her life, who has not gotten her shit together. I try my best to pick myself up from feeling broken and insufficient. John always kisses me and tells me not to worry. He claims I’m a late bloomer. One day I will shine. I want to believe, but most days, I don’t. Or most days, I do only briefly… and then I don’t.

I think about Y and her decade plus-long journey searching for love. At times, she was exasperated. She had her self-doubts, she questioned what was wrong with her. But in the end, she forged ahead and continued to push for what she wanted. Persistence, faith, and conviction. The pot of gold was there at the end of the rainbow.

Maybe Windy City Pizza is right: good food takes time. If you can’t embrace the process and demonstrate some fucking patience, go eat that frozen Mama Celeste shit. I know, my mind works in bizarro ways. Pizza, marriage, job hunting. It’s all related!

[FAG id=7421]

Progress + Party

So John and I tested out the new grill by cooking up some steak and burgers. Very nice. John and I were impressed not only by the power of that appliance (the thing sure heats up fast), but there are also some nice touches under the hood. I like to see my Bubbey happy and excited about his new toys.

And on the plus side for all of us, my case with Lowe’s is now closed. The last few days, there were still a couple of rounds of back and forth with the Rave and Rants site, because I had requested that Lowe’s consider comping us a grill cover. Not surprisingly, I received no response to my inquiry (originally made offline). I then posted to the site and was told I’d receive a call within 24 hours. A day later, no response, so I posted again. Yesterday, I got the cover. Sheesh!

So yes, in the end, Lowe’s got ‘er done, but wow, that required a ton of calls and a lot of leg work. Little do they know, John’s nickname for me is Brenda the bulldog. When all was said and done, I did get $130 off the grill plus the free cover. As part of the original offer, there was free shipping, free assembly, and free haul away. Not bad, but even so, I’m pretty sure I will never buy from Lowe’s again. Yes, even the deal maven has her limits. Seriously. A part of me actually feels really sad for the company. When I worked for the fuel cell company, Lowe’s was one of our target customers. The executives were the nicest people, and with the company headquartered in North Carolina (where I went to undergrad), I kinda liked their story and vibe. Not anymore. I suppose now they are just like so many of those impersonal big box stores: scaled too quickly and just lost operational efficiency and competence. I mean, the Rant and Rave site really highlights major systemic problems. Oh well. I’ve washed my hands of that mess. Incidentally, people seem to LOVE Home Depot, so I guess I’ll have to try them for next time.

In other news, I had two info interviews this week plus an onsite interview with a tech nonprofit in SF. The meeting with the marketing director went well, and afterwards, I was passed along to another person on the 5-member team. I’m hopeful, but trying to manage expectations. After all, I’ve had lots of “good” interviews with no offer at the end of the rainbow.

ProMatch is keeping me super busy. I stepped up to a team co-leader role two weeks ago, and then I also agreed to deliver a workshop training on designing business cards. We had a dry run yesterday that well, took forever. It’s always challenging working with people of differing styles and personalities. Good practice for me, I suppose.

I also registered for a class on leadership and influence run by a coaching friend of mine. It’s a Skype-style class where you read a book and then hop online to discuss once a week for four weeks. I’m curious to see how that pans out. So yeah, I am still meeting new people, applying for jobs, participating in ProMatch, and building new skills. At this point, I really am thinking about alternate routes though. Yeah, my mind is really restless these days.

Oh well, this weekend we are having a small party to unveil the new grill. People are coming over in a few. We haven’t hosted a party in ages… partly because of my jobless shame issues, but I’m over it now. My new themes are focused on self acceptance and living the unconventional life. Haha. More thoughts on that later.

Btw, earlier this week, I had been lamenting my frustration with the job hunt to R, my former boss. He’s also job hunting and having similarly disappointing experiences– feeling like the interviews went well but then, no offer. Anyway, I expressed some irritation with people seeking employees that fit tightly and neatly into their exact little job description box. Sometimes, I wonder if they even want to hire people who think for themselves. Admittedly, I was feeling rather bitter. R replied “Don’t feel bitter – there’s no reason to since nature gave you everything anyone could ever want and things will work out before too long.” So true. This is yet another example of just how R gets things. His advice is so wise. Everyday, I am a work in progress. I know that my impatience and anxiety does not serve me. I need to calm down and then think clearly and strategically.

It’s kinda funny though. I told him how my most recent pie-in-the-sky dream is to be a writer/pro-blogger. He suggested that I go ahead and start a blog to see what happens. Haha, little does he know. I have been blogging since 2003. I might just have to let him in on my Giddy Go, Cowgirl secret. Sometimes, I wonder how people who know me will feel about being mentioned on my blog…. Muhahaha. Kinda makes things interesting.

Mental Training

August has been another dramatic month. On one hand, I can recall multiple highs. On the other hand, quite a few lows.

First the good. I had dinner with my friend L several weeks ago. Quite honestly, he is one of the nicest people I know. And to think we met on the plane… it makes for a great story. We had a great time catching up… time always flies with him. At one point, I gave an update on my job search. He probably sensed the frustration in my face and voice. He then said, “What can I do to help?” It’s kind of funny. That’s what friends do, right? They help each other. And many of them do help, but I rarely hear those actual words! In fact, I was so taken aback, I had to think about the question. I mean, who really asks? I think I may have asked only once or twice with other friends and that was because I was exasperated and totally out of ideas. I told L to just keep his eyes peeled for opportunities and/or contacts in my target areas. Afterwards though, for some reason, I really felt a need to clarify, like, “I didn’t ask you to dinner to get something out of you…” to which he responded, “Oh yes, I know. Of course. I know that, but I just want to see if there’s anything I can do.” It was I dunno, an unexpected and yet very welcome gesture. I think I will start to adopt that practice myself. Too often, I probably just assume that I know how to help someone, but wow, what a concept: ask and see what the person needs. Duh. See? I learn so much from L. He’s awesome. And so refreshingly candid too. I mean, here I am struggling with figuring out my life. It’s so easy for me to think that as a GM/SVP of a startup, he’s got all his shit figured out. But you know, he shares his own struggles too. Not like his challenges make me happy or anything, but it’s just helpful to understand that life really is a moving target for a lot of us… And it doesn’t mean we should just acquiesce and become passive either. Anyway, kinda eye-opening.

Then, as I mentioned earlier, I appreciated hearing from my ex-boss. I also caught up with some ex-coworkers. Went for a bike ride with J. She was so sweet. I mean, I never expect or demand apologies from people for falling out of touch. I get it: life happens, but it was still thoughtful of her to acknowledge and apologize. Truthfully, sometimes when I spend long periods of time alone, my mind starts to fuck with me a little. I get flashes of doubt… I suppose it’s a form of insecurity. I dunno. Frankly, I think all these rejections from job hunting exacerbate that condition where I just need just a little bit of validation and reassurance. I know it’s an irrational fear, so I try to keep it in check as much as possible, but still, the occasional positive feedback helps. What else. I also had lunch recently with my bud M. Introduced her to Costco beef brisket sandwiches. Yup, stick with me, lady. I’ll show ya all the cheap and easy tasties, because I’m all about streamlining the meals. Haha.

Oh, big news: my good friend G finally popped! And out came a big baby boy! So many years in the making, and wow, he’s finally here. What a celebration!

Job-wise, my hunt is picking up more. After my great phone interview last Friday with a local environmental NGO, I went out on a limb to hustle the employer via my thank you note. My strategy worked, because on Monday morning, I got invited to an in-person interview yesterday (Wednesday)!! Yee haw! I was so thrilled. When I went in, the deputy director said she was really impressed by my thoughtful email, and that’s why she invited me in for the onsite interview. Check! I thought the interview went really well, and so this morning, I followed up again with a meaty thank you note, using the opportunity to expound on another question she asked me yesterday. Two hours later, I got the rejection note. Boo.

Admittedly, the situation last week did sound like the organization had already put out an offer to someone else and like a dark horse, I weaseled my way into the final round last minute. Maybe this morning, they heard back from the candidate? I dunno, exactly. I suppose the positive perspective is that I made it pretty darn far. But the other side of me, still can’t help but feel sad and disappointed. Rejected again. Somehow, still not good enough, still not the right fit. Sigh. All this time and energy…

I know, I really should focus on the brighter side of it all: I’m definitely getting better with interviewing. The nerves are calming with each successive event. I’m learning to ramp up quickly and come across intelligently on various topics. Plus, my onsite interview the day before with a national environmental NGO went well. I’m slated to meet the line manager in person next Friday while I’m in DC. Still. I really want a win already!!

Beyond those things, I’ve been struggling a bit with periods of overwhelm. Robin Williams. Ferguson. James Foley. Violence, abuse, sadness, people harming/mistreating/killing each other… some days, it’s just too damn much. My heart feels so heavy with sorrow. I’ve been losing sleep again too, with my mind just trying to make sense of it all. But it just won’t EVER make. sense. Ugh. Time for Meditation Oasis again.

Blast from the Past

I got a pleasant surprise this week. After being out of touch for many months, my former boss sent me an email. It was so nice to hear from him. He and I kinda share a mutual appreciation for telling stories via email. He’s job hunting again in Berlin, but he and his family are having a good summer, it seems: doing some traveling and also checking out new activities with the wife, thanks to finally agreeing to get a babysitter. The childcare thing sounds like quite the game changer. I wish all my friends would adopt that route rather than push themselves towards insanity. Hint, hint. Haha. Sorry, I digress.

Anyway, he asked me to be a reference, which I have done before and which I’m happy to do again. In my reply, I kinda apologized for the long silence. I said I would write him more later, but I just typed a few short lines about the job process being a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. I didn’t get into the details at all. Yet, almost immediately, he replied with this lengthy email where it was just so damn evident that he got me!! I mean, I don’t know how to explain, but so many times in my life, I have struggled with feeling misunderstood and misinterpreted. Maybe that’s largely due to being first-generation Chinese-American and having immigrant parents. I don’t know, but more often than not, I feel like I have to explain and defend myself and my choices. Sure, it’s possible that all of this pressure is self-imposed, because I myself place so much value on reason and analysis…

Regardless, what a relief it is to just be understood. R was never someone I had ever expected to befriend. When we first started working together, I really didn’t see that much in common. I mean, I knew we would work together fine, but I never anticipated any real connection. But through the years, I came to realize that he really is an amazing listener with strong intuition. On so many occasions, he has read between the lines and sensed the unspoken (I’m not ALWAYS a blabbermouth!!). And then when he responds, he just hits shit right on the nail. Er, hits the nail right on the head. Me and my idioms. So in his latest email responding to my three lines of text, he talked about his own struggle with identity and self-worth being tied to the job. He shared his own perspective as a hiring manager and talked about how he often found himself mindlessly seeking employees who most perfectly matched what the employer wanted in terms of prior experience. When he caught himself, he would consciously try to think outside the box and be more open-minded, but he wondered how many people failed to catch themselves. I distinctly remember interviewing for my role in his department. In my prior role, I had been doing marketing and client services for a fuel cell startup. My web experience was several years before that, so in that respect, he did take a chance on me. I knew I could do the job, and I knew I could deliver. But to have his confidence in me and his willingness to step beyond convention, I will forever be grateful. I wish more employers would take that leap now.

After that, he went on about how I did so much more than web content and social media, and he listed out all this other shit I did. I mean, it’s been two years since we worked together, and he still remembered. It was just a really kind gesture. It was as if he knew my confidence was feeling a little broken from all the rejection and disinterest, and he was reminding me of my value. I was so touched.

I hope this post doesn’t minimize our relationship by coming across like I only value him because he compliments me. It really isn’t that at all. I mean sure, who doesn’t enjoy praise and recognition for her work? But honestly, it’s more about his timing and his sensitivity. His thoughtfulness really lifted my spirits.

Cowgirl Boots

Recently, I started wearing my cowgirl boots to ProMatch. Even though I miraculously managed to get my black patent wedges waaay stretched out for regular wear, nothing compares to boots when talking comfort. So I started wearing my boots with everything: dresses, jeans, cords, skirts… and man, I got so many compliments. One guy even came up to me after a meeting to say, “It’s nice to see someone around these parts wearing REAL boots.” Haha. The dude grew up on a ranch in Wyoming, not far from Jackson. Man, his comment made me feel so legit, almost like I should have plugged this website to him right then and there (I didn’t). Instead, I gushed about our trip to Wyoming last summer. Goddamn, that was such an awesome vacation. Easily amongst my top five.

Regarding the positive feedback on my boots though: it’s kinda funny. All the people who complimented me were old(er) men. No women! But it kinda got me thinking… it’s nice to meet men who, you know, pay attention and know how to give compliments. I feel like with younger guys or with guys my age, they’re love withholders. John says he’s stingy with compliments, because he doesn’t want women to think he’s hitting on them or something. Lame. Maybe the older men are just better “trained.” I dunno, but I’m thankful for their comments. They just brighten my day.

Partying with the Cool Club

It feels a bit funny to admit this, but I think I’m finally coming into my own. Jesus Christ, I sound like I made in through some coming of age rite of passage or something… it’s just that, this last year has been especially bumpy for me. You see, when I first embarked on this whole exploration/discovery/search, I really had no idea what was in store. Sure, I’d read about people facing identity and self-esteem issues, but truthfully, I never thought that the drama would hit me at the magnitude that it did. John’s frequently called 2014 the shittiest year ever, between my confidence crisis and Remy and his job bullshit. I’d never thought to write off the entire year with such an all-encompassing disappointment and pessimism, but after he termed things that way, I kinda saw the rationale.

Thankfully, these days I do feel stronger, more resilient, and just overall more encouraged and inspired. BlogHer was a pretty good conference. I mean, yeah the sessions themselves were kinda hit or miss, but the keynote speakers were sooo inspiring, and the connections proved more fruitful than expected. First, I love a good talk. My high from being re-energized and motivated can easily last me several days. Second, I definitely want to try some new things on my site with affiliate links and basic monetization, just to tinker and see how it all works. Plus, I am considering creating my own graphics and maybe even trying the video content… I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew, but whatever. Why not just try some of these tools? Maybe in the end, I’ll still be destined to writing only, but I figure I might as well look and see.

Hanging out with E was a total blast. She was really sweet to introduce me to several of her friends. As it turns out, two of the ladies even have nonprofit leadership experience!! I definitely noticed lots of grad/professional women at the conference this year: a ton of lawyers and MBAs, which surprised me. Maybe more people are craving the creative outlet blogging provides.

What else. At the Expo hall, I talked to several reps at their booths. I kinda used the experience as a way to listen to spiels, practice my own attempts to build quick rapport, AND score some free products. Yeah, BlogHer is crazy commercialized. There’s always TONS of swag. I made a very strong effort to be minimalist this time around, but I still left there with bags, supplements, vitamins, oral care, a frickin’ board game, a new tote bag (to replace last year’s Beano tote), and the like. Interestingly, Khloe Kardashian made an appearance on Saturday for HairFinity. When I saw her in person, she seemed totally normal-sized– tv definitely portrays her like an Amazon. But then E actually got a picture taken WITH Khloe, and she insists that the lady is giant. Then again, E is super petite, so figures. Guess it’s all relative. Kim and Kourtney are like Liliputians next to their sis.

Kerry Washington spoke at lunch on the last day. I know, I’m such a gusher, but she was so smart and articulate talking about her craft, her activism, her family life. She sounded so damn grounded. Naturally, she’s now my latest gal crush, and as much as I hate to watch tv, I might have to add Scandal to my watch list now.

Sadly, I didn’t see my badass blogger Flourish in Progress. So sad. Based on her Instagram, she and I were both at the after party, featuring Rev Run of Run DMC, but I didn’t see her. Argh. Yeah, the DJing was pretty good: tons of super old school shit, and the crowd went nuts jumping around all over. You know me: I was surrounded by it all, standing in a sea of fun-loving people, and there I stood: awkward, stiff, and totally out of rhythm. I swear there is no hope for me. Dance Central ain’t ever gonna teach me the beats and moves. Ah well. At least I felt less self-conscious than I’ve ever been under similar circumstances.

We stayed out pretty late. After the organizers kicked us out, we all headed back to the hotel and one of the ladies in the group who flew out that night gifted me her swanky room at the Fairmont. John even drove down later that night to live it up with soft, luxury sheets and full-on air-conditioning. Can you tell we’ve had a series of heat waves here? It’s been hotter than hell, and our house is a goddamn solar oven. Needless to say, Fairmont was our savior. All in all, I feel good about the connections from the conference this year. I definitely talked to more people and made strong enough connections that I think we’ll keep in touch. Yay![FAG id=7417]