Category Archives: Friends

Starting Anew

Ok, so I got a good bit of venom and negativity out of my system with that last post. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m starting fresh now. Did you know March is NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month)? I actually participated in this way back when in November 2013. Writing a blog post every day for a month was quite a challenge. Apparently, now the promo happens every month, but there are different themes. March is news, with prompts like this. Eh, so many rules to follow. I like to freestyle that shit. We’ll see if I can up my posts this month.

As things are already, I’m still taking that social media marketing class. It’s eight weeks total, with homework due Wednesday and Sunday nights. I actually just turned in my Week 6 homework a day early. Yup, I am on that shit! I actually wanted to have all of tomorrow free, because it’s Bubbey’s bday on Monday. Hopefully, by the time he awakes tomorrow morning, I’ll have an outline planned for our day. I know, I’m cutting it close, man! 

Today was a fun day. My buds in Fremont had us over for lunch and chilling at their new house. We hung out, cooked, played with their two little boys. It’s pretty funny, because I don’t have an affinity for kids and yet lately, kids have been seeking me out! My coworker has an 8 y/o girl. She came to my office last week to sell Girl Scout Cookies. I bought 5 boxes, and then while she was waiting for her mom to wrap up, she came back to my office and sat in the chair across my desk… and just sat there looking at me. Naturally, I felt compelled to start talking to her. Meanwhile, I had some cookies on my desk, which I offered. She proceeded to eat the entire sleeve that I had just purchased from her!! 

Funny. But uh, it was weird. I was thinking to myself: “Hey kid, you know I’m not into kids, right???” I mean, I don’t hate them or anything. I just don’t feel like a natural comfort around them.

So anyway, at my friends’ house today, their first born had me all out in the rain playing with him! Granted, he and I are pretty familiar: when I wasn’t working, I hung out with his mom regularly, so he’s comfortable with me. I followed him aboard his “ship” (i.e. the park) and we traveled down a chute to check on his legions of workers in the ship bowels (i.e. we stood on the storm drain and pretended to go down the chute) . Then he had me gather sticks and leaves to make weapons. That boy. He’s quite imaginative, and admittedly, I got sucked in.

I also had an interesting revelation today. I realized that as we and our friends are getting older, more and more, we all prefer to cook and entertain at home. It’s such a big shift from our 20s, when the thing was to go out. Like I remember in Shanghai, we had these friends who were an “older” couple (i.e. in their late 30s/early 40s), and they would always host elaborate dinners at their house, with dishes made from scratch and lots of fancy wine. J and I always felt so out of place, like who the hell are these swanky people? Why don’t we all just go out to eat at the restaurant? Now, more than a decade later, we’re like those people. I’m not exactly sure what’s changed. Maybe we have a different take on value? Maybe we’ve had far too many mediocre restaurant meals that it doesn’t make sense to go out and blow money on another dud dining experience? I dunno. Maybe there’s just something more comfortable/lower key about hanging at someone’s house. Partly, I like having my uke/Jenga/karaoke/liquor cabinet all in easy reach for me and my guests!

Ok, well clearly turning in my homework gave me a second wind, and now all of the sudden, it’s 2:15a. Time to hit the sack. Still no idea what I’m planning for Bubbey tomorrow. Guess I’ll figure it out after I wake up. 🙂 After my whole tirade, turns out I’m a slacker myself!

 

Year of the Ram/Sheep/Goat

Jesus fucking Christ. I am exhausted. You would think I were a new mom or an ER surgeon or something, working some uber intense job saving lives while raising a family and going to school. But nope. I’m just doing social media and taking an online class. Haha. I know, I got issues. I could probably work a purely clerical job and still give myself fucking UTI.

Whatever though. As low priority as my shit is, I am freaking tired! Last Saturday, we hosted about 12 people for a Chinese New Year celebration. J and I used to have parties and people over all the damn time, but now? Not so much. So we were kind rusty on the party prep. I swear though, between the grocery shopping and prep and recipe research and actual cooking and cleaning… it nearly killed me. I mean, on the bright side, I’m super pleased with how everything turned out: nearly everyone came and we had a great time hanging out and stuffing our pieholes with chicken/cabbage potstickers, roast duck, curry shrimp noodles, salads, sides, and dessert. We really pulled off a proper feast, and I’m pleased to report that we gauged the amount pretty darn accurately! There was very little food waste and just a container-full of leftovers.

The thing about parties though is, you want everything to be made fresh for the guests, so that always means a mad dash to the finish line. In the future, I gotta figure out something I can make ahead of time and then just reheat, because hell, you know me: I cannot drive a car and have a conversation. One of my guests was trying to tell me about a pizza peel and some special gadget to transfer your pizza pie to/from the baking steel… No matter how many times he explained the contraption to me, I could not focus enough while cooking my potstickers to understand him. I swear he thought I was dumb and slow. Later, I had to research that shit on YouTube, and yeah, it wasn’t that hard a concept to understand. But whatever, I have my multitasking limitations man.

Incidentally, in my haste in the kitchen, I managed to drop by food processor blade on my bare foot. I have no idea how I didn’t chop off my goddamn toes. Not even a drip of blood, which is freaking miraculous considering how prone I am to injury. Of course, I still got mine when I mis-gauged the fire power of our new range and burned my finger on the hot roasting rack. Yup, full on blister.

The rest of the day was a blur. My friends brought their 6-week old newborn: It was his first party ever. Then my other friends brought their two little boys: a 6 y/o and a 2 y/o. Yeah, first time having my house invaded by kiddies. It’s probably good I was busy cooking in the kitchen, because had I been fully engrossed in conversation, my endless string of cuss words would have adulterated those young, innocent, polite kiddie minds. I majorly crashed after my party. And the next day, I woke up sick. Lame. Thankfully, I was back in the saddle come Monday. Back up and at it, saving lives and shit!

What else. My online class is going well. I just wrapped week 5 of 8. Turns out, I’m actually re-purposing my homework that I just submitted on Sunday for a meeting I’m holding tomorrow. Not bad finding real world applications for my learning.

I was excited to receive a package of new underwear today. Yup, AEO was having a massive sale, so I decided to do a sweeping upgrade. My shit is deluxe now! Don’t ask me what I’m doing with the old stuff. You know I’m not going to just dump it in the trash. Oh no. ;P

Ok, I’m sure there are other updates to share, but my brain is fried. My friend N undergoes surgery on Wednesday to get her vertebrae re-fused. I really hope the surgery goes well, because this immobility shit is for the birds. I feel better knowing that she’s at least getting the surgery done at a legit medical facility (UNC-CH). Fingers crossed for a successful operation and speedy recovery. Man, to think that, as a kid, I was so overwhelmed with worry about school and grades and “my future.” I shake my head now, thinking back to that younger version of me. Adult life is so much more involved and complex.

Valentine’s Day Foiled

Some days, I really wonder if J and I are being secretly taped for a bloopers show. On Friday, the boss let staff off work an hour early. Awesome. I thought I would go home to do some solo singing on my karaoke machine, but as soon as I got on the road, I decided to do the more responsible thing and hit up Costco instead. Surprisingly, Costco was ok when I got there around 4:30p. I went through the line, and then as soon as I got done checking out, I realized I had forgotten some key items. You see, I noticed this week that my post-NuWave procrastination had carried on long enough so I was determined to make my signature roast duck in the convection oven of our new range that evening. I’d picked up the fresh duck, but I’d forgotten the roti, which is an Indian bread that I use to wrap my Beijing duck. Since I was already going back in the store, I figured I would also try the new Hawaiian poke bar (where they sell long slabs of Ahi tuna!), and I also eyed a beautiful glazed pot of bamboo: Chinese New Year is next week after all. In the end, going through the store for those three additional items really cost me, because by the time I got back to the checkout line, everyone and her mother had come to Costco for that after-work run. Ugh, the cost of doing business.

Nonetheless, I got home and did a whole spread: salad, the poke, and my duck. After the longest 85 minutes ever, the duck turned out just so-so. No crispy skin and I dunno, just not as good as with the NuWave. Maybe I didn’t get the temps high enough? I dunno, but I was disappointed. Not only that, now I have to do another test run to get it right in time for Chinese New Year! Overall, the dinner still came out nicely. We also enjoyed a bottle of red wine. Afterwards, J did some work while I sang on my Singtrix.

As much as I want to master Lana Del Rey, I just can’t get the damn pacing right. Fucking rhythm, bane of my existence. J says Torn (Sixpence None the Richer) and The Way I am (Ingrid Michaelson) are better fits for my range. But those songs are so much less edgy and less badass. Sigh. I’m such a wannabe.

Around 10p, J’s sister and beau dropped of their dog. We’re watching him this weekend. The last time we had him over was Christmas, and I won’t go over what happened. All I’m gonna say is, he’s not allowed on the couch, and I’m not going to put up with any crying and whining. At the end of a seemingly long day, we hit the sack Friday night past midnight. I actually felt some anticipation for Valentine’s Day.

So as life would have it, none of us (including the dogs) got out of bed on Valentine’s Day until about 1p. In the middle of the night, J got a major case of diarrhea. Consequently, he was dehydrated, got a migraine, and suffered through sweats and chills. I awoke briefly when my alarm went off at 8a, but dang, my throat was sore as hell. Yeah, pretty much we decided then and there that V Day was cancelled.

The rest of the day was pretty much shot. I walked the dogs at the park in the afternoon, but other than that, I stayed home all day. I did homework reading and laundry and then we watched tv. The most disturbing thing from all of this? What the fuck gave him the shits? We ate all the same stuff, and I was fine. He says he just had some beef jerky earlier that day at work. So basically, it sounds like I slaved over making a nice dinner and then Bubs got the runs. FML.

The weird thing is, I had no issues. Then again, I don’t know how food poisoning works exactly. I mean, maybe he ate a bad piece of the poke tuna or a piece of duck was undercooked? I honestly don’t know. I had even used a frickin’ temperature probe!!

Whatever. Figures. While everyone else is getting their love celebration on, we’re holed up at home with issues. I swear this kind of shit only happens to us. On the bright side, it is a long holiday weekend, so I suppose Sunday can be a do over. I just have to make sure I get my homework done. Yes, I am in Week 4 now, and I am still meeting deadlines doing my homework. I can’t be helped. It just is what it is. Factor that shit in, man.

What else happened this week. Oh, my work friends and I hit up a play in downtown SJ. There were like 20 people in the audience, so that was a little awkward (though more for the actors than for me), but the play was good!! The story was about two programmer friends who both loved the same woman (she was married to one of them). Anyway, it hit on several interesting themes: the intersection of genius and madness as well as friendship, infidelity, love, neglect, attention… I was reminded about how loneliness can creep in even when you are in the physical presence of people. Human emotions and needs can be so complicated.

Brian and Bursted Bubbles

Ugh. I am so damn fed up with people. Largely, my frustration stems from the news and all that depressing bullshit about violence, death, rage, and hate. The world is just so fucked up. What the hell is wrong with people?? I know, I should probably cut back on my news intake, but my relationship with the news is kinda weird. I’m not exactly sure what compels me to read it every day– some strange obligation or responsibility or… I mean, typically I don’t really give a fuck about being out of touch with things (hello, pop culture), but I suppose the news for me is some bizarre reminder to keep my gullibility in check: Don’t be too trusting or oblivious. Have some frickin’ street smarts, naive sheltered child.

Speaking of news and trust, WTF Brain Williams? I’ve been crushing on that dude for a long time. Seriously, before him, I had a thing for Peter Jennings. I know, that shit is super old school, but heck man, I grew up watching World News Tonight with my dad. I can’t pinpoint the exact source of attraction. Who knows what little girls pick up on: authority, a nice voice, a trustworthy demeanor, a fancy suit, legit journalistic skillz?? Who cares. Peter Jennings was my man. Sure, I was devastated when I discovered he was a chain smoker (How could you, my beloved?). Fuck man, life’s been bursting my bubbles ever since. But back to Brian. On one hand, as someone who certainly has moments of confusion and muddiness, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Did he perhaps hear so many traumatic stories that somehow he internalized them to become his own experiences? I am reminded of that time J and I were in couples counseling. We were both recounting some incident that happened, and we both told completely different stories. Like, the FACTS were totally different. I was so shocked at the time. Like what. the. fuck. What you are saying is NOT TRUE! I was there, and I did NOT do that. Back and forth we went. In the end, the therapist said something to the effect of, there can be two truths to the same scenario or situation. I was like, no sister, that’s not the definition of truth. There is the truth, and then there is a lie. Either shit happened or it didn’t; we’re not talking about some gray area of interpretation. There is only ONE right answer!!! The point, in our case, was that ultimately, none of it matters. What a person thinks and believes happened, pretty much makes it real. So then where does intention come into play? Did Brian intend to lie, or did something in his mind convince him that these things happened? If the latter, then isn’t that mental illness? I don’t know. I don’t know which side I’m really arguing. I mean, on one hand, having seen/learned about all the bullshit the world serves up on a daily basis, should any of us really be all that surprised? Probably not. People disappoint all the damn time. Still, in his defense, as someone who sometimes (not often!) gets her details mixed up (e.g., there are numerous places I don’t remember but where J insists I have been…), is it feasible that this was a lapse in recall rather than a deliberate tall tale?

Moving on… Last week, I met up with some of my former coworkers. More stories and woes of shit flowing downstream. That damn agency. I thought things had neared rock bottom two years ago. Nope, the spiral just keeps going downward. My one friend is chronically stressed, and STILL she does not even LOOK to see what’s out there. I met with three coworkers individually, and all complained to the high heavens. Oddly enough, I’ve run out of things to say. I mean, that place is broken. No amount of tweaks/changes will restore it to its former glory. So I just listen. I have no idea if it helps them at all. Inside though, I’m frustrated as hell by their inaction. People and their resistance to change. Curiously, my one friend, whom I see more regularly than the others, is starting to share fewer details. I dunno if she’s sick of hearing herself talk about it, or if she can see my frustration. Either way, the leaner lowdown helps me control the anger inside that still boils when I hear all the drama.

Endless Hustle

Midnight already. WTF? This week has been nonstop action once again. Yup, apparently, the excitement over here is off the hook. Life and times of the VG. I noticed today that I am starting to ignore my body’s triggers again. Need to pee? Wait, I’m in the middle of something. Hungry? I’m busy. OMG, how self-important can I be? Yeah, saving lives with social media. Whatev.

Today I noticed a different sensation though: I sat so damn long (on my bouncy ball even!) that my butt went numb. And on top of that, the office is fricking freezing. I brought in my mini space heater, but that shit is too damn small. Suitable at my last job where I was living the cubicle life, but now that shit doesn’t crank enough heat. I really might have to bring back the old school hot water bottle. My bud K though might really shit her pants. Oh well, I can’t be stopped. Time to kick things into high gear!

So I had a meeting yesterday with my boss. She was asking me a ton of blunt questions again. It’s funny because, as someone who values directness, I have an appreciation for the Inquisition. That said, being on the receiving end is a little weird. I mean, I answer truthfully (no surprise there), but at the same time, I try not to come across with just neutral and negative feedback, i.e. NO POSITIVE responses. She asked me what I like most, what I like least, if I’m having fun… I hope that all my communications workshops and social intelligence training enabled me to walk that thin line. Basically, I gave this vibe: I’m ok for now, i.e. I’m not lovin’ it but I’m also not actively looking to leave. Who knows how she read it.

Ok, so this week wasn’t ALL work. After an 18-month hiatus, Sasha Fierce made an appearance. Holy shit. My toupee emerged from her box for a new office debut. I wore my hairpiece most of the week, and because I’m a dumbass who CANNOT lie to save my life, nearly everyone who commented about my bangs was told the truth. I know, some of them probably would have preferred a lie. But really, why should fake hair carry a stigma? I know, even with hair extensions, I cannot fib. What compels me to be so damn forthcoming? I dunno! I mean, I just think fake hair is funny. When I first stumbled on these amazing creations with P in the beauty supply shop, I just could not believe how easy they were to clip on nor how natural they looked! Jessica Simpson and her dude Ken Paves know how to do it up, man!

The only thing is, the wig has always needed a trimming. Because I’m awful with cutting hair and I’m too lazy/cheap to take that shit with me to the salon, I just wore my bangs straight out of the box. With the original length, I had to clip those fuckers way far back on my crown so I could still see through them side swept. Def a little bit off. Enter my bud K. Homegirl has been cutting her own hair in between cuts for ages, so she’s freaking experienced. She even had legit shears– for cutting hair, rather than crafts and school supplies. Anyway, she took me downstairs to some super secret solo bathroom (instead of the multi-stall one on our floor) and snip, snip, snip, voila! My bangs are super badass now. I think next K will be tasked with braiding. I am dying to try the fishtail. In fact, I have purposefully kept my hair long so that I can put in braids. The time has finally come. Yup, it sure is fun hanging with someone who knows about hair, clothes, and makeup… let the experimenting begin! Muhahaha.

Too Cool for School

I work for a university now, so technically, every day is back to school. But my supervisor signed me up for an 8-week social media marketing course online, and while I’m nearly always game for learning (especially when it’s free), this class is a super time sink. Seriously. My daily karaoke hour is now replaced with time for class readings and homework– with real deadlines and grading and shit! Totally sucks.

My coworker thinks I should just use work time for the class and assignments, but I don’t have time during the day. Then part of me wants to just blow through the assignments– you know, pick and choose but still learn. The thing is, I almost never treat school/academics that way… so I dunno. Here I am on a Saturday night doing homework and preparing some kind of presentation. I’m really a little irritated by it all. But in the end, I’m still gonna do it. I just won’t do it without complaining. As my mother has always described, “Vicky will always do what has to be done; just don’t expect her to smile about it.” Haha.

This also got me thinking though: If I were a student in today’s learning environment, I might really hate the educational experience. I mean, I don’t mind getting all the assignments online and doing all the readings, but I HATE the forced participation, especially in the online setting. I’ve done a few of these virtual learning setups, and ugh, the whole mandatory round robin intro just really irks me. Then, each person has to answer the same questions… via the forum and grading is also based on how much you respond to your classmates’ comments. Yeah, part of me thinks, “What’s the big deal, anyway?” And I guess my aversion doesn’t really make sense, because I love to write, and I spend a lot of time online. Plus, I have a public blog. If anything, I overshare. Still. Something about forced interaction in an online forum just feels unnatural, awkward, and unnecessary. I know, I’m totally overanalyzing this. I suppose I’m really just procrastinating. Blargh.

In other news, J’s company had their holiday party last week. There are a few people I really get along with– a spouse of his coworker, a coworker here and there, but pretty much I spent the evening following the hired magician around from table to table, obsessively eyeing his tricks. Dude was amazing– apparently a favorite of Woz and Charles Schwab even! That really made my night, and he even told me he could get me tickets to the Magic Castle in LA. Yup, that shit is on my bucket list.

What else. Marty is doing really great. He still digs around his bed at night but much less, and I am starting to sleep a bit better. Our new kitchen range FINALLY arrives on Monday, and then my handyman will be onsite hopefully next week to crank out a few house items that have lingered for years.

I have a new BFF at work. She’s a very cool chick: super sharp and witty, wise beyond her years. She’s not even 30 yet. We’re both newbies, so we got that bond going on. Any job is so much more tolerable when there are people you like at the office.

Ok, kinda an abrupt ending to the post tonight. I’ve been piecing this post together over a few days, and it just has to end here. For now.

Keeping Me on My Toes

Monday evening, after I got home from work, I started sneezing up a storm. I suspected something was coming on, so I went to the hot tub to “burn it off.” Burn off what? I dunno exactly, the shivers, the sniffles, the germs… whatever. The hot tub usually works wonders for me, as you know my body loves super hot heat. Unfortunately though, the next morning my throat hurt really badly. I guess in this particular case, the hot tub didn’t work for warding off sickness, but hey, at least it was ONLY the throat and nothing else. Anyway, I was in bed most of the day, working online. You see, now that my coworker has left to start a new job and my second coworker has been out sick, I get to manage two additional interns. Yep, I’m up to FOUR now. Thankfully, the two additionals are pretty damn solid. Who the fuck knew? They are full of ideas, initiative, and motivation. Thank fucking god. Needless to say, I was busy online most of yesterday lining up work for them. Social media never rests.

I wrote earlier this week about Martin’s condition of dementia and me finding a solution to give him (and me) comfort and security through the night. Yesterday, I was looking forward to a good night’s rest so I could return from my sick day and hit the ground running on Wednesday. Well, I definitely spoke too damn soon about solving the sundown syndrome problem. Last night was one of THE worst nights of rest. We brought his big Costco pillow back in the bedroom (not sure why), and Marty started digging frantically at it in the middle of the night (J had already knocked out like a rock). Then the pacing, from one side of the bed to the other. WTF? True to my word, I kept my cool, but shit. For some reason, he wasn’t interested in the under-bed den. Why goddamnit?? Ugh.

Tonight, J is away on business, and I did some vacuuming and reorganizing. I also moved the Costco pillow out of the room again. Now, Martin just has one option on where to sleep. I got the heating pad turned on, the draped towel over the opening under the bed, and right at this moment, Marty is sleeping without incident. I really need to rest tonight, because tomorrow I’m going to be stuck in an all-day HR orientation class (aka Jesuit indoctrination) and then I’ll have to hustle home and head into the city for J’s company holiday party. See this is the thing about holidays. Why can’t everyone be this damn practical? I mean, so many vendors (restaurants, airlines, services) jack up prices for the holidays. It’s such a ripoff. Like his company just says, nope. We’ll do it after the holidays. Done. No debate. I kinda like that.

But back to tonight: I’m winding down and intending to get to bed early. So what happens? I go on Pinterest and start seeing all this food. Shit, now I am starving, because I ate about five measly spoonfuls of fried rice left over from lunch and then I just now forced myself to do the 7-min workout. Yeah, only seven minutes but when you’re majorly fucking out of shape, that shit knocks the wind out of you. And you know, I got that metabolism churning, so now I’m hungry. Well, without the NuWave, I dunno how to do jackshit. Guess tonight I’m just going to bed hungry. Oh well, my system needs recalibrating anyway. One ignored hunger pang is not gonna kill me.

In other news, I might be meeting up with my mentor L. Man, now that I work near San Jose, lunches or events in the city are EXTRA far. Coincidentally, he has a client meeting in San Jose so I might hitch a ride on his way back north and then make it for J’s company party. Lots of coordinating, but it’ll be nice to catch up. I haven’t seen L since Aug or September I think.

Ok, I need to hit the sack. But now that I think of it, there is some cheese in the fridge. Haha, the hunger pang might be answered after all!

Friends with Kids

We are meeting with a handyman tomorrow morning for a long list of home repairs that we have been procrastinating for years. Depending on what he’s comfortable doing, the work might expand to something big involving electrical rewiring and such. We’ll see. The guy actually works for my former employer, and he did some repair work for my uber meticulous friend M, so he’s automatically competent, qualified, and trustworthy in my book. Haha.

Our friends J and J just popped out their first kid this week. H was a 9 pounder! Shit, man. We’re waiting to hear from the parents on when they are ready for visitors. Interestingly, I recently came across this article on HuffPo. The read was actually kinda eye-opening, not so much because what she said was new but rather, her statements carried a resounding familiarity. Her description about conserving energy and hunkering down in survival mode was almost word-for-word shit I’d heard from my friend J. After hearing his excuses for well over a year, I admit, I grew increasingly annoyed and dismissive of his reasons. Now that some time has passed, revisiting this topic doesn’t seem nearly as irritating. I still think losing touch (at varying degrees) with our friends with kids is inevitable, because that’s just how the cookie crumbles. As my friend once said, “We live radically different lives, yo.” I’m just not going to take it personally anymore.

In other news, work is going ok. My latest BFF/coworker had her last day on Tuesday. It sucked to see her go. Such is life! Thankfully, I am feeling more settled and less stressed about work these days. I’m still trying to keep that new perspective about work-life balance and such. Oddly, my boss keeps asking me if I’m having fun. Haha. All I can say is I’m feeling better than I did initially. I’m not gonna lie: I wouldn’t call it “fun,” BUT I’m feeling ok. She’s probably just feeling a little paranoid because my coworker left. For now, I’m all in.

That said, man people piss me off with their asinine comments on social. I did a post about the 7-11 store next to campus reopening, and some asshole complained that “as an alum,” he was disappointed to see such an endorsement, blah, blah, blah. Well asshole, I’m not a big fan of 7-11 either, but you know what? The kids fucking LOVE 7-11. I posted months ago about the store while it was under construction, and it got a shit ton of engagement, so newsflash: ou’re not the only person in my audience. I was so annoyed 1) because he pulled the power card (I’m an alum, so my opinion matters more than anyone else’s) 2) if you don’t particularly like a post, who the fuck takes the time to actually complain (??) and on Instagram, of all platforms? Some people are so lame. Whatevs.

Fighting the Funk

I’ve been in a total funk lately. Just two months ago, I was all bright-eyed and cheery about landing my new job. Then the job started, and I quickly grew overwhelmed by the pressure of having to constantly produce content and for a very broad audience. Being at a religious institution, surrounded by college students, I also felt really out of place for the environment and for the job. In turn, that led to a major crisis in confidence, and since then I’ve been battling to get back on even footing.

The thing about change is that you grow to expect the unexpected. After the past year, I consider myself a seasoned pro– someone who even gravitates towards and actively seeks change. Well, apparently not. I really questioned whether this misfit would eventually work itself out.

The good news is, after putting in a shit ton of extra hours and effort early on, I queued up content for my trip to Asia in November, got back, and then resumed pounding the pavement. By December, I was feeling better, like I was maybe getting the hang of things. But just as I was starting to acclimate at work, anxiety and depression started creeping in. Everyday, SOMEthing compounded my growing negativity. Last time, I wrote about the disheartening news about N. I’m annoyed now because more than a week later, I have yet to speak with her. Part of the problem is the East Coast-West Coast time zone difference. Also, last week I had a lot of work-related events after hours. Still, she just isn’t answering the phone. And that pisses me off. Yes, I know firsthand that people withdraw when they are in a funk. After all, who wants to burden others with his/her woes, right? On the other hand, I don’t like feeling blown off, and you know me with my “friendship cultivation.” Anyway, her situation causes emotional distress: the problem-solver part of me wants to find a solution; the friend part of me requires her interaction and participation to talk it through; the depressed part of me wants to just let it all go. Fuck the world. Jekyll and Hyde, anyone??

These last few weeks, I’ve been feeling a sense of danger, like internally, a red flag is going up. There have been multiple moments where I have felt frustration and anger bubbling inside. I describe the bubbling as “rage,” but my friend T says rage is an outward, uncontrollable blindness. In these instances, I have never erupted, but I feel super unsettled inside, like I’m nearing an edge. Am I about to completely lose my shit and go mental? I dunno. Some days it really seems possible! So here’s the plan moving forward.

First things first: I’m cutting back with work. In the last week, especially with the holidays and all, I’ve definitely noticed a lot of slacking off at the office. The holidays don’t really have that kind of an effect on me, because I dunno, I guess I’m usually not that holiday-spirited, but still, I made sure to attend all the “fun” staff holiday events. I need to chill the fuck out, after all. Also, I considered these good opportunities to bond with people I currently know/like, while also familiarizing myself with potential allies in other departments. Two birds, one stone, baby. Truth be told, I am still clocking in extra hours, but it’s definitely curtailed, so go me! The other good thing (a pleasant surprise) is, I’m now pretty good friends with two people in my department– sadly, one is leaving but the other one started two weeks after me, so we’re newbies together. Both are very funny and super knowledgeable about media, marketing, and pop culture. They say they are also game for karaoke, so I’m very thrilled to add to my karaoke posse.

Second, I’m finally moving my ass more. I know exercise is one of life’s little secrets, and shit my bud M is so disciplined with it. I’m not yet back to doing the 7 Minute workout, but I am walking more on campus and taking the pups on extended walks. The plan is to reintroduce 7 Min very soon.

Third, now that Martin’s tests have all come back normal, we’ve been troubleshooting his trembling, anxiety, and spooking. We had a weird suspicion last week that maybe he was hearing some kind of electronic device that was inaudible to us. So one night, we unplugged a bunch of things in the house: the wine fridge, the laser printer, the dropcams, a bunch of stuff. Whaddya fucking know? He slept through the night. We continued the test for two nights (same results) and then slowly brought the electronics back online one by one. For the most part, all of us are sleeping better through the night. I still get up around 2-3a to use the bathroom, and last night, Martin was pacing again, but hopefully, he was just anxious because he saw all of our luggage out. I’m always fascinated by how dogs piece together those patterns. Anyway, I still feel like I have a sleep deficit to overcome, but my goal is to be all even Steven by the new year. And with decent sleep, I will be ready to conquer the world. Muhahaha.

Fourth, I’m bringing back the hobbies. Last week, I busted yuki out for the first time in over a year. I realized recently that there is a part of me that’s very “all or nothing” about skills and hobbies. I have to be making noticeable progress of some kind; otherwise, I don’t want to invest the time. This is an attitude I’d like to change. My friend J once remarked, “Why are you taking riding lessons? Who cares about the techniques? You love to ride. Just take the horse out and ride!” His comment kinda took me aback when he said it, but thinking back, he might really be on to something. I had been so obsessed with the technique– the beats, the rhythm and counts, the correct diagonal, the exact right nudge at the precise part of the horse… A mild case of perfectionism, maybe? I see his point, and I actually think it boils down to the absence of mindfulness. I rarely enjoy moments for their own sakes. Everything is some sort of means to an end. I would like to be more mindful.

In that vein, I bought myself a new karaoke system last weekend. I’d been missing karaoke for a long time, and even though I love the KTV house in Cupertino, the place doesn’t allow any alcohol or outside food. I mean, I don’t need booze to have fun, but my friends do (ha!), plus what’s a party without food and drink? Whatever, I did a little bit of research and discovered that a new system is on the scene– made by the creators of Guitar Hero. I found the system in store locally and bought the system the very next day. Yes, I have already clocked in several hours of solo singing. Haha! Slowly but surely, my plan for recalibration WILL work.

Irreversible

We hear it a billion times. Nothing is more important than health. Well this afternoon, I got some really disappointing news about my buddy N. She’d been doing AMAZEBALLS, especially in the last year– having lost a shit ton of weight, exercising, going out, experiencing a life she’d never really lived… For the first time ever, she was happy, like really, truly happy. I visited her a year ago in fall and then again last summer in June. I was so relieved that things were finally looking up for her.

Then I remember two months ago in October, when I emailed all my peeps announcing my new position, I never heard back from her. I kinda thought it was weird, and a part of me even thought selfishly, WTF? I finally have good news, and you don’t care?

Well, today I spoke with her mother, who had called last week to see how we were faring with the Pineapple Express. Turns out, N threw out her back in October. She was on a total roll– swimming, playing tennis, working out, and somehow doctors suspect that the physical exercise caused her spinal cord to start coming out of the spine, and the rubbing against the bone (or something else) causes excruciating pain. Her mother didn’t know the exact term for the condition, but it’s really bad. So now N goes to work, but then pretty much she cannot move without suffering some kind of piercing pain. All evening activities are now shot: no gym, no going out, nothing. Doctors did a CAT scan last week, and they are waiting to hear more, but the solution likely involves back surgery, and the chance of success for the particular operation is only 50/50.

N is a medical person, and her mother says she’s very worried about the options and the procedure. The exercising and healthy lifestyle have now ground to a complete halt, and she is overeating again. So just like that, the progress that took years in the making is receding and is exacerbated by shitty insurance and very expensive medical bills. Her mother doesn’t sound good either: she’s frustrated, discouraged, afraid, and stressed. I will be calling N to get the full scoop from her. I’m hoping the situation is not as dire as it sounds. But fuck! I think about how so many people live their lives spending time chasing things that in the end aren’t even important. Yet we insist on spending our time and energy in that way. Why? So many unhappy, miserable people, procrastinating with self-care and for what? I’ve been such a dumbfuck these last few months. Why is it so goddamn important and absolutely critical that I bust my ass and kick butt at work… to the point of letting all other things that help maintain my own mental health and sanity fall to the wayside? Why do I do that? Why did my father do that? Why do so many people work in jobs that are killing them?

There’s no denying that money is important, because after all, medical shit is crazy expensive. But maybe if we were better to ourselves in the first place, we wouldn’t have to search desperately for ways to repair problems that have ballooned due to years of neglect. I don’t really know if these current back issues are attributed to N having been overweight for a very long time. Sometimes though, health feels a lot like time: lost time is gone forever. It cannot be made up. I think of those Hollywood celebs who abused their bodies for so long with alcohol, drugs, smoking, whatever. You can only get back so much with new habits and/or money. Some of the damage is just irreversible.

Many years back, my aunt had gotten into a car accident, and the other driver was severely injured, requiring multiple surgeries, etc. My aunt made some comment about her bad luck– getting into this accident that was costing her so much money. And my grandfather said, “You can earn more money. That person will never be able to have full range of his arms again.” For some reason, this also makes me think of all the protests, looting, and rioting happening in response to Ferguson and Eric Garner. People complain about the store damage, the broken glass, the vandalism, etc. While I don’t agree with property damage as a tactic of protest, I do feel strongly that things can be replaced or repaired. But those lives– they really are gone forever.