Category Archives: Friends

Year of the Snake

Wow, so much has happened in a mere three months. Obviously, politically, I’m super disappointed and disillusioned. I tried so hard after the defeat to understand where the hell the Dems went wrong. So many places it seems… even among people I know, they criticized the messaging, the key platforms, the lack of strategy… I dunno. I honestly didn’t see it coming, and I was very blind-sided by the results. Most people I know are taking a break from the news now, but it’s terrifying see how quickly the new Napoleon is implementing his changes.

In other news, after my Accutane stint that ended in late August, I’ve still been battling side effects. Several months after treatment ended, my dry eye is as bad as ever. I’ve resorted to wearing eyeglasses again. For some reason, though the ‘tane got me clear, I now have dark circles under my eyes. I was having eye twitches and headaches. My body was really starting to break down. Thankfully, my PCP is a superstar and after adopting a couple of her recommendations, the latter two symptoms have mostly subsided now that we’re into February. The dry eye is the remaining hurdle, but it seems excessive computer time exacerbates the condition.

Work for 2025 is off to a slower start than last year. A few listings in the pipeline and 3 buyers who say they are “committed” but their actions show otherwise. I’m tiring of this business. It still gets me up every morning, but the people part is exhausting. Maybe J is right: going into the investment/flipping side of things would allow me to shine in my project management abilities while decreasing exposure to buyers’ fickle emotions and common family dysfunction.

I had a Lunar New Year party last week that was a fun distraction. I stole some new decorating ideas from Instagram and Pinterest and purchased a table rod– an assembly that towers over the dining table. It’s a surprisingly easy concept where a metal rod arch clamps to the table, allowing you to dangle lanterns, flowers, lights, etc. overhead. I’m happy with it. For the food, we made dumplings, following one of our OG recipes from our days in Shanghai (circa 2003) and rice cakes. Then, we supplemented with vegetable sides from a local restaurant. The spread turned out great, and in just the right portions. Next month after the weather starts to warm and dry, I’ll resume my monthly Mahjong Mastermind. It’s been so long, I may have to re-watch the tutorial!

What else. My buds P & C are coming up later this week from Long Beach. Thankfully, Southwest has direct flights from LGB to SJC which makes things so much easier. I was motivated to clean out my home office FINALLY to make room for them. I put up my floating book shelves, hung my uke, got a new upright stand for my zither… all little things but Jesus, everything had been sitting around collecting dust for years.

Speaking of the zither, I started playing it again. I’m working on a couple of old folk songs. I have to say, the phone app guzheng tuner is a lifesaver. J recently found a “Harps of Asia” concert at Stanford that featured music with the guzheng along with its counterparts from Vietnam, Japan, and Korea. The concert was surprisingly good, and now I’m feeling re-inspired to attend more live music events at Stanford and to play my instrument with more regularity.

Bread Not Brownies

I’ve had a few emotional conversations lately with my buddy T. First, I was crying after the passing of my friend N. Then last week, I was crying about my family. John and I had recently watched a documentary about the NBA star Giannis. His is a moving and compelling success story about overcoming adversity plus all the good stuff of loyalty, integrity, hard work, and love of family.

I have never understood people who are close to their families– people who want to spend all their free time or PTO with their families. People who have to go home for all the holidays and speak to their parents on the phone daily. It has NEVER made any sense to me. But Giannis is a part of one of those families. In escaping poverty and immigrating to the US, as his success grew, his adamance for having his family with him only amplified. I cried so much in that documentary, bc it made me mourn what my parents do not have. And so that entire evening, I couldn’t sleep bc I was disappointed in myself… I had so many more advantages and privileges than Giannis in my childhood; yet I lack his level of loyalty and love.

And so I cried. I cried that I couldn’t be as good as Giannis. I cried that I lacked the filial piety he clearly possessed. I felt so much disappointment and shame and sadness for my family. And then my friend asked me: How and why does Giannis feel that way about his family? It’s bc his family spent time and energy to cultivate that feeling of belonging and cohesion and love. You were just a child… you can’t be expected to know how to feel about the relationship with your parents.

Your parents mixed the ingredients and created the environment to bake an amazing loaf of bread. At the end of it all, they can’t wish for or expect to get a tray of brownies. It was such a simple and yet powerful analogy. They were the bakers. They had a hand in all of this. There’s a reason why it’s so damn hard for my brother and me to really feel or express love for our parents.

I remember during COVID when my father met my friend T. After she left, he said to me, “She seems like such a positive and optimistic person.” And I remembered thinking to myself: Yeah, well she didn’t grow up with two anxious, neurotic, and perfectionist parents who are fear-based about EVERYTHING!!

I guess the good thing is that T’s comments absolved me of some guilt. But she also reminded me that I have limited time now, and if dad is making bids for a better relationship, there is still time for me to try. The relationship will never reach the heights of Giannis’ tight-knit family, but at least I can say, I braved the discomforts of change to forgive and to try again. After all, nothing they did came from ill intent: they genuinely did the best with what they knew.

Tane Rage

At the end of last year, my cystic acne– for which I have dealt since my late teens– was resurging. It was no where near the severity of my younger years (full face of hard boils and nodes) but in many ways, it had the same damn resistance. I was back to getting facials and taking strong antibiotics on top of already being on BCP and spironolactone… In mid-December, my primary care physician (whom I love) was out of ideas, so she suggested we connect with a dermatologist. After I rattled off my list of past treatments, the derm immediately said that I was a case for Accutane. There is nothing else for this degree of stubborn-ass cystic, hormonal acne.

First question: why are my hormones so fucked up? I mean, does this explain my overall unruliness and “aggressive” attitude/behavior? My mother always claimed that I wasn’t a “natural” woman… maybe we can blame my issues on my hormones? Hmm, why haven’t I been measuring my hormone levels my whole life?

Just some wandering thoughts. Regardless, I’ve been on BCPs my whole life, so shouldn’t my hormones actually be controlled and stable? I dunno. If you’re curious, here’s my list of my past meds and treatments: clindamycin, minocin, tetracycline, erythromycin, augmentin, doxycyline, Retin-A, sprionolactone, benzoyl peroxide, IPL, dermarolling, light masks, chemical peels…

So I jumped through a gabillion hoops to join the mandatory Accutane iPledge program and get on the damn med. After my initial discussion in December, I finally started my course in February. Now, two months later, I’m having a helluva time with symptoms. Granted, I had taken the Tane in my 20s while we were overseas in China. There, this shit is OTC. I don’t recall any side effects other than dry skin and chapped lips. Then again, I could not contain my absolute elation about having clear skin.

This time though, I’m experiencing all kinds of issues: dry skin, cracked lips, skin rashes/hives, dry eyes, twitching eye, undereye circles, headaches, joint pain, jaw pain, muscle aches, and now with my bloodwork, I apparently have increased triglycerides, cholesterol, and A1C. Plus John insists that I have “Tane rage.” So yeah. Meanwhile, I had already cut down on carbs/rice/breads (lost 6 lbs) for my pre-diabetes and eliminated alcohol completely. And I just am not feeling comfortable in my body.

I explained this to the dermatology nurse who sent the message up the chain. Basically, the response was: if I am still functioning for work, NBD. Continue on the path. Not even a discussion on whether we can decrease the dose or shorten the treatment course. I am def vain enough to admit: I will endure pain for clear skin. Dry skin, crapped lips, even some occasional joint/muscle pain. But add now daily headaches, daily joint/muscle pain, fucking undereye bags??? Now I’m re-evaluating. Especially bc it was just the cystic acne on my chin. I can’t help but think about all the famous people (e.g. Kanye West’s mom, Linda Evangelista) who underwent some seemingly simple procedure for a “glow up,” and all of the sudden, they’re dead or something goes irreversibly wrong. Will I be one of those people? Did I conduct enough due diligence to understand the risks?

My childhood friend Nathalie died earlier this month– on the day of the eclipse, actually. She died from uterine cancer. Before the cancer, she struggled her entire damn life fighting obesity and mental health challenges. It was decades of a roller-coaster ride. She tried to lose weight all this time, and now she’s dead. Just as Ozempic has gone mainstream. It really could have changed her life. Who knows, maybe like Accutane there are a shit ton of side effects. I dunno, maybe that’s just me viewing everything through a black and white lens.

Year of the Double Dragon

John and I hosted our CNY party at the start of February. In the past, we had an annual tradition of hosting a lunar new year celebration, but over the years, it fell by the wayside. Thankfully, this year we had the wherewithal to bring it back. We invited a small but compatible mix of old friends, and with the help of several extra dexterous hands, we managed to crank out hundreds of dumplings.

J typically uses a pork/napa recipe, but you know how he is: He likes to experiment and try new things, so this year, he tested a recipe with mushrooms. Eh, the shrooms ended up monopolizing all the flavor of the meat filling… Nonetheless, that didn’t stop us from stuffing a ton of dumplings into our pie holes. Next time though, we may switch it up again, and try a jiu cai Chinese chives recipe.

In addition to the feature dish, we had a dragon-themed fruit platter (inspired by Pinterest and tremendously improved by my buddy T), a bunch of dipping sauces (including a very popular chili oil and chili crisp combo), nian gao (rice cakes), and brownies for dessert. So a bit of hodge podge, but we couldn’t have asked for a better day. After a rather rainy winter, we had a beautiful sunny day. Thankfully, one of our guests captured some video.

And of course, J and I had loads of fun decorating the house with “evergreen” lunar new year items. Lots of snack/cookie tins with dragons, gold/red signs, a hanging felt dragon, felt majhong tiles, plus my blinged out Fossil dragon watch. Two weeks later, all the stuff is still out. Evergreen bling central, baby!

I know we have a tiny house, but I sure do like hosting gatherings here. It’s not Airbnb ready or anything like a staged home, but I feel like it reflects our low-key sensibility, and the space is cozy yet comfortable for small groups. Sometimes it’s challenging to be in the business I’m in, plus be in Silicon Valley where people are so accomplished and always one-upping one another… but I try to remind myself: J and I never want to let the size or condition our home prevent us from doing things we enjoy and spending time with our friends.

The Drama Triangle

I have a friend from my childhood who’s always been flakey. There were long stretches where she would float in and out of engagement. This behavior has always irked me. Not just from her, but from anybody. My brother pulled this shit when he headed off to college. I saw him behave like this with myself (we were actually close then) and his friends who always seemed to be the ones initiating, reaching out, checking in, making any effort. As J and I got older, we drifted away for many reasons but pretty much, we have been estranged since 2003 when he was living in our townhouse as a roommate, took a trip to Taiwan, and then never came back (leaving all his shit in my house).

I’m sure every person has some explanation for their behavior… I realized though that I don’t want to make space and time and energy for someone who is unreliable, undependable, and frankly unhelpful. All these years later, J is not only UNHELPFUL, he is an active saboteur. But back to my friend.

She has other reasons for the flakiness, and actually, I learned a long time ago that this was going to be an unbalanced relationship… one in which, I would be ignored and ghosted for long periods of time until there was a sudden and urgent need for help. In the past, I subscribed to this idea that “with privilege comes responsibility.” She had her struggles, and I always seemed to be in a position where I could help. So I did. But after multiple iterations of this stressful cycle over several decades, I’ve grown tired.

Now she’s supposedly back in the “re-engaging” phase, and I’m being brought in again to hear all the health and relationship dramas and issues. I’m done with this bullshit.

In my last call with my therapist, she introduced me to the idea of the Drama Triangle, where there are three players: the victim, the perpetrator, and the hero/rescuer. The interesting thing is that the roles can change and swap. But what I’ve realized now is that I no longer have empathy and compassion for the victim scenarios. I am not interested in being pulled into the Drama Triangle. I’m done serving as the rescuer who is “on call” whenever help is needed. And at the end of the day, people must be responsible for themselves.

If I’m spending more time, energy, and resources trying to revolve your problems than you are, something is not right. I’ve learned this hard lesson through my clients as well (I can’t want to buy/win them a home more than they do), and now I see it more clearly with my friend.

In the past, I helped bc I tried to honor our history together. But now, I’m done. I’m tapped out and frankly, I don’t have the patience to listen anymore to grown adults who avoid taking ownership of their actions and who gloss over the consequences of their behavior. Excuses will only go so far.

Back from Bend

John and I recently returned from a seven-day trip to Bend, Oregon. His sister S is possibly contemplating a different lifestyle/environment, so she rented a month-long Airbnb in Bend, where a good friend of hers also lives.

I have to say, Bend has a LOT going for it. We were there in early September, so the weather was perfect, especially along the very scenic backdrop of a lake/mountain town. The population I’m told is around 120,000 which is decent, and as the city has grown markedly through the years, there is a lot of new construction– new retail, new facilities, shops, restaurants… it feels like a community where there is some mindfulness around its growth and development. And it’s small enough geographically that you don’t really have to contend with traffic congestion and any real urban sprawl.

I actually caught up a lot on sleep that week. All of us still worked and the Airbnb in many ways served as a coworking space with zoom meetings occurring in every bedroom, BUT it was a welcome and palpable change being able to step away from work midday and immediately hop on a bike trail riding along the Deschutes River. There was no leaving the house an hour ahead to account for travel time to the appointment.

I felt like the trip gave me a much-needed reminder that I do enjoy activities and being outdoors and doing things BESIDES sitting on my ass in front of the computer. I spent one afternoon at the roller-skating rink (new and gorgeous). Another afternoon riding our bikes. A third trying out an aerial silks (acrobatics) class (never again!). And yet another afternoon getting a foot massage and going kayaking. All this sprinkled in around several walks to/from downtown for dinners. It was a great experience re-imagining a different day-to-day routine and lifestyle.

On the downside, I will say, Bend is super white. A lot of Aryan nation-looking people. Not that they’re Nazis but just dayum, it was THAT homogenous. The stats say Asians comprise less than TWO PERCENT in Bend. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable around a mostly white population– I grew up in Frederick after all. But TWO percent is way small. And I still like to have my opportunities where I’m interacting with other Asians, speaking in Chinese.

In conclusion, the trip was a great vacation spot and respite. But after getting back home, I have to admit: I still love being in the Bay Area. Shrug. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. We’ll see what the verdict ends up being for my SIL.

Living Alone

Back in the day when I was in my younger years (my 30s), I remember that I had many friends who were single. I thought the world of all of them, and it just didn’t make sense to me that they hadn’t found a partner. Granted, I know not everyone yearns for a relationship… in these cases, my friends DID. They just hadn’t found the right match.

I remembered thinking to myself though: gosh, what gives? They’re smart, funny, accomplished, active… WTF? For some of them, in the years that followed, things eventually turned, and they got hitched!

For the others though, they’re still solo. And I wouldn’t say they’re fine with that status, but they also are not taking any action to change the situation. I guess here’s where my judgey personality starts to creep in. I mean, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we only have one life. If you’re miserable, do SOMETHING about it. You might get fatigued, tired, and sick of trying. So take a damn break. But after that, seriously, what is the alternative? There is NO choice other than to plug along. So take a respite, focus on something else, and then come back to it. Goddamn, I feel like I’m talking to my parents, who perpetually wallow in misery.

The other thing is… If you’re an introvert, shit needs to be nipped in the bud. More alone time is not good bc it only exacerbates future social anxiety. And all along the way, you just become more and more rigid and inflexible and uncompromising.

I share this bc a decade ago, I was wondering how the hell are these friends still single? Now, I KNOW why they’re single. They’ve become hypersensitive to the point that they cannot interact with other people without getting all bent out of shape when something is expressed the “wrong” way. Look, nobody is perfect. Nobody is a mind reader. You can’t expect perfect execution on word choice and tone and delivery every. fricking. time you communicate with someone. If you do, then expect to be alone. It is what it is.

Taking Action

Lately, I’ve found myself getting pretty. damn. ticked off. by people. Like, a lot. Granted, my biz throws me in front of more strangers/interactions than the average person, so maybe that’s worn down my usually high tolerance (yeah right) for bullshit. I dunno: maybe it’s also just that phase of life, you know having to deal with responsibilities for the parents and things. Altogether, it can be a grind.

The good news is that the Maryland house closed a week ago. That’s officially done. My father got his two vax shots while he was here thru summer, and then he endured another 2 weeks of hotel quarantine after returning back to Taiwan. The island is STILL being super strict with their policies. Thankfully, vaccines are becoming more available there, but I’m waiting to see when they remove the quarantine restriction. Until then, I’m not planning to fly out there for a visit. As it is, I can only handle 5 days max with the parentals, and to tack on 2 weeks confined in a room on top of that is a definite deal breaker.

In other news, we’re into the final weeks of the year, and I am picking up the pace working with numerous buyers. I hosted several open houses that thankfully received a ton of traffic, and I actually scored several new clients from those. At the moment, I’m covering a pretty broad geography from Contra Costa County thru Alameda, San Mateo, and down to Santa Clara Counties, but dayum, it feels good to be very busy.

I’ve been working more too with first-time buyers, and that’s especially rewarding. It’s kind of interesting bc one common theme we often encounter in real estate masterminds/trainings is this notion of “how coachable are you?” And I find that that concept totally applies with buyers. With the demographics of our area, we certainly have a ton of dataheads and personalities that can be rather opinionated and decisive. I definitely appreciate working with people who are educated and smart; that said, sometimes there’s a lot of attitude where people do a lot of puffing. I’ve had a few buyers try to “school” me on the process and/or the market, and then once things got down to business with the details, I realized very quickly they were completely clueless.

I recently met a lady at an open house who just kept being very dismissive, treating me like someone below her. Sometimes I get some weird masochistic bug in my head though, where I convert my annoyance into a game, like… hmm, if I WERE to convert someone like this, how would that be done? So I gathered some advice from my team, and she actually responded. Granted the next several weeks, there was still that underlying disrespect, acting like she knew the market better than I did (she was REALLY starting to irk me), but as I asked more questions, perhaps I suggested to her that she didn’t really understand these terms, like “noncontingent” that she was just throwing out. Two days ago, I got wind of an off-market deal and now we are in contract. Not even a fucking “thank you” for preparing the package in a flash and beating out other buyers who had also seen the home.

I won’t go into the details now, but it’s frustrating dealing with attitude from clients. And thankfully, I have had experiences where I know it doesn’t even have to be that way. So note to self: I must do a better job of being selective. I don’t have to work with everyone and honestly, not everyone deserves the level of service and attention that I give.

So of course while all this work bullshit has been happening, I got a call from my friend’s mom. Super urgent. My friend N has been in the dumps (again) and somehow I’m the only one who can get to her. Can I fly out to NC to talk to N? Um, I have been leaving messages, polos, sending cards. No reply. I’m done. And no, I’m not fucking flying out to North Carolina just to have a goddamn conversation. I cannot help people who are unwilling to help themselves. I’m not some godsend miracle worker here to save people. I am at the end of my string. Friendship is a two-way street. I try my best to give some buffer for mental health and how debilitating it is, but at end of the day, if you aren’t responding and you don’t even open mail from your concerned friends, sorry, that’s where I draw the line.

And just like that, I am back in therapy. I know society still has a stigma with mental health and therapy, but I don’t have any shame for therapy. The world’s a fucked up place, and kudos for people who have the cognizance to ask for some fucking help to get better. Anyway, I found a lady who’s pretty good. We’re doing the weekly thing, and she actually seems quite cutting edge. Already, she has suggested some newer coping techniques and methods. I started seeing her bc I was feeling a lot of anger and frustration being surrounded by people of inaction. That’s what I’ll call them. People who are miserable and unhappy and yet don’t take any action to change things or try to make things better. Look, everyone is struggling. You’re not the only one with problems. Fucking do something to figure it out.

The initial impetus for all this was, surprise, surprise, my parents. I had had just one too many calls where mom was a practical vegetable, unable to even get up out of her chair, her muscles have atrophied so much, and dad never leaves the house and just sighs every which way. What are you up too? Is anything new? NOTHING.

Jesus Christ, are you being held captive? Yes, I know it’s covid times but in Taiwan, that shit is under control. You live across one of the largest urban parks on the goddamn island. Go across the street and take a fucking walk! Jesus Christ. As you can see, I was up to my ears listening to this self-imposed paralysis.

The thing is, on one hand, my brain tells me I need to have more compassion. That people aren’t necessarily built like I am (whatever that means) with motivation and self-control. Yada yada. Fine, feel some compassion for them being paralyzed by pain. Now what. What the fuck are you gonna do about it?

So that’s topic #1 with the therapist. Topic #2 is bullshit I have related to work and self-worth and my definitions of success. I have discussed my mental struggles with work/career ad nauseum on this blog. It goes away every few years and then comes back with a fucking vengeance. No one really gets it. What started off as parental pressures used to “motivate” me to be better turned into a lifelong, insatiable, relentless push where at times, I will push myself to sheer exhaustion chasing this nebulous, constantly morphing ideal of success. The therapist admits there are memories and incidents where the things my parents said were “messed up.” Her proposal is to try EMDR (Eye movement desensitization reprocessing) to help move me to a place where I can recall memories without feeling the pain and trauma (her word choice) surrounding them.

So I’m on a once a week and of course, as soon as I started, I began compiling my thoughts about what I thought my issues were and why I was seeking help. Yes, in true control-freak fashion. Unlike what I did with a past therapist though, I refrained from providing her with a written synopsis. Haha, yes I did that in the past! Anyway, as you can see the projects never really end. There’s always something.

Three Seasons

At the start of fall, a friend of mine commented that the pandemic has now lasted through three seasons. Goddamn, that’s one way of putting it into perspective. In the beginning, I’ll admit, I welcomed SIP. I mean, for one thing, I hate driving, so being able to tend to much of my work activities from the comfort of home was freaking amazing. At first, I was just tuning in on zoom— camera off and audio on mute. But after a couple weeks, I realized that I was kinda being a schlump… you know, attending while still half asleep and still wearing my PJs. As soon as I realized this was not helping me tackle the days full force, I shifted gears. Yup. Got up, changed into work clothes, put on my makeup, got everything all set up and arranged on the dining table by the kitchen windows (great lighting). For me, getting dressed and ready makes a huge difference.

I went into hyper focused mode. I took all the required classes and tests to renew my agent license (set to expire in November). Got that shit done months early. I also took some extra skills training and classes. Plus my brokerage was getting us on Zoom daily so we could be briefed on all the damn industry and legal changes. SO MANY.

Aside from SIP further enabling my workaholism, I actually appreciate that I’ve trimmed things down to the essentials. I used to be into organizing activities and dinner and travel and things… I realized that I actually enjoy taking a break from all that. It’s a lot of extraneous effort and work. Not that I don’t enjoy seeing friends but I dunno: turns out I don’t mind feeding my introverted side. I don’t really feel motivated or compelled to initiate anymore. John’s been making comments thinking it’s unusual for me but eh, maybe that was an entirely different life. I read somewhere that who you are now doesn’t have to be who you were five minutes ago. True dat.