Category Archives: Feminism

Decision 2016

Surprise, surprise, I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was just too damn wired about a gabillion different things. Two pills of Calm Forte didn’t do Jack! Ah well, luckily another restless night didn’t void out today: today was a pretty good day even though this evening the presidential election results still loom over our heads…

I tried a new carpet cleaning service this morning, and the results were superb… even better than the company I used in the past (recommended by a friend). Actually, that service wasn’t that great, to be honest. But yeah, this dude today got all the stains out, so we are back in business! Who knew a little bit of citrus pre-treatment followed by water heated to 230 degrees and applied at very high pressure then extracted would get all the gunk out? Very impressed and all my earlier worries about how to get the house “ready” were way overblown. Dude was able to get underneath the bed without even moving it, and he really didn’t need to move every damn piece of furniture. All came out clean with very little pain or inconvenience!

In the afternoon, I attended a real estate training at the office. It was led by a title company agent who used to work at Nordies for 8 years. She was a calling whiz and so, so personable. We clicked right away (Yes, it helped that she complimented my hair), and she’s offered to meet up in December to introduce me to their services and offerings. Very cool. After that, I waited around for my instructor/coach to discuss an entire list of questions… he ended up getting hogged up by another student, so I hit up the office comptroller instead. She was very pleasant in answering my questions. I think my inquiries actually impressed her, bc she said no one else had ever asked her those questions, about the business model and incentives, etc. And of course, as I had intended from the get go, I ended by making my ask. And whatdya know, I fucking got it, much to Bubbey’s surprise. So, I’ll be signing on with that Santa Clara office… Hee, hee. So nice to wrap up my due diligence (though I still have two calls tomorrow with newbies/his coaching students– I’ll still be able to glean valuable info from them) and arrive at a decision. I feel really good about it.

Of course, coming home to Election night is a bit unnerving. I went into the day feeling pretty confident: in Hillary, I think we have an amazing candidate, but it’s now 7pm and well, the results are not looking as promising as anticipated. Bubbey is already calling the end of the world… Many of the key states are too close to tell, but you know what? This election is like the real estate license exam. It doesn’t matter what score you get, you just have to pass. Likewise, it doesn’t matter how close the individual states are, Hillary just has to win. And I still believe she will.

On the Cusp

These days I really vacillate between feeling completely overcome by doom and disbelief to feeling some lingering and stubborn kindling of optimism and fire. Tonight we are on the cusp of something historic. Sure, we continue going about our daily routines: I’m thrilled to have carpet cleaners coming first thing tomorrow to get this sty back in shape; I’m going to another real estate training then meeting with the office recruiter; I’ve got more calls slated for the afternoon, a repeat doggie daycare client the next day… nothing ever stops, but tomorrow I will go to bed reassured and proud and happy, knowing that for the first time ever, this country will have a smart and accomplished Madam President come January. I’m with her, and she will win.

I’ve popped two Calm Forte this evening: I look forward to waking up well rested and hopeful for a brand new day ahead.

Confidence

In preparation for our trip, Bubs started watching a bunch of videos on Seoul. One video we watched had to do with the skyrocketing trend of plastic surgery in Korea. The Koreans are into elective surgery big time (Based on 2014 stats: 1 in 5 women get shit done vs. 1 in 20 women in the US), and the patients are super freaking young. Like under 20 y/o!! I dunno where I stand on all of this.

On one hand, I feel so sad that children THAT young are feeling so badly about their appearances that they are going under the knife. The argument for surgery isn’t purely superficial though. As in China, job applicants have to submit mugshots, so many parents who gift their kids plastic surgeries for their 16th and 18th bdays consider it an “investment” in the child’s career and future. There does seem to be something instinctively “wrong” with having physical appearance and beauty hold so much importance, and yet, if we think about all those studies about how beautiful people get more in life (be it in the form of attention, assistance, promotions, jobs, etc…), is it naive to downplay how influential beauty can be? Even babies respond more positively to beautiful people, so isn’t this just human nature?

My stance with plastic surgery has changed over the years. In my younger years, despite my struggles with acne, I really felt like surgery just promoted superficiality. Anytime my parents complained about my attire or whatever, I reacted angrily, accusing them of being shallow. But now, as a 40-y/o woman, I realize there’s a lot to be said for confidence as a byproduct of attractive appearance. When I was younger, my acne made me closed off. I isolated myself from things I would have done otherwise. And in my mid 30s, when I started investing more time in my attire and my style (after my acne cleared up), I def felt a stronger kick in my step. The connection between appearance and confidence was undeniable. And certainly, if an adult woman opts for a little nip/tuck or facelift or whatever, I’m far less judgey about it now than I used to be. Ultimately, it’s about choice, right? Weigh the pros and cons and then decide for yourself. Honestly, women have been obsessing over beauty since forever, whether it’s in the form of makeup, skin creams/elixirs, faux lashes, botox, fillers, hair removal, tatted brows, hair coloring, pushup bras, etc.

So circling back to plastic surgery for girls… instinctively, it feels wrong but if I consider it from the perspective of confidence, I feel very differently. For example, how different would my experiences as a young woman have been if I had confidence, if I had loved myself? My demons chased me for so long… decades and decades. What if that burden had been removed in my 20s: how might I have flourished? I don’t know what the answer is, and with issues like this, I’m so glad I don’t have kids who rely on me to help direct and navigate them through these complexities.

Anyway, it’ll be interesting to be surrounded by swaths of beautiful people in Seoul. 🙂

Conflict Management

I have to say, one of the most challenging things about adulting is conflict management. Sure, I’ve had a lot of experience growing up with my crazy Chinese family, dealing with their steady stream of unsolicited radical honesty, but I dunno, conflict with family is always different (at least for me) from conflict with the world.

I mean, it’s no secret that I have a temper.My mother always explained that she was super stressed and unhappy during her pregnancy with me, so Vicky the fetus got bombarded with negative hormones and juices. Yep, I practically bathed in that shit. In my father’s younger years, he also had a really short fuse… So I guess you could just blame genetics.

Needless to say, my family has always triggered the worst behavior in me, with well, what I would describe as fits of rage. In the working world though, I always managed to keep my temper in check. It probably helped that the triggers were less inflammatory and the issues were less personal. Still, no matter how often conflict has found me, it still makes me uncomfortable and nervous and uneasy. I may appear outwardly calm about it, but inside, it’s just eating away at me. Curse of the overthinking mind, right?

So yesterday, I had another restless night. First, I kept hearing noises and I just felt somewhat fearful and quasi-unsafe. Like mentally, I was freaking myself out about an intruder or whatever. Then I was stressing again about my real estate class and how I’m behind schedule and how am I gonna get this shit done and how am I gonna be an agent. Fucking self doubt.

This morning, my realtor called at 8:30a. I immediately rolled out of bed and answered the phone trying to sound like I’d already been up and running for hours (!!). He basically called to revisit our last conversation. For 15 minutes, he urged me again to drop the price more and re-engage the last interested party. Back and forth, we went. I talked about new properties in the neighborhood that just got listed (they’re listed even higher), the open house scheduled for Sunday, how my grandmother’s house sold for asking after sitting on the market for months… He just kept saying I should trust his expertise, and a deal shouldn’t fall through over $2k. The whole time I was reluctant but finally, I agreed to an “attempt to re-engage.”

After I got off the phone, I kept replaying that shit in my head. Why is he in such a rush? Why do I feel bullied? Later in the morning, I talked to Bubbey. He said it wasn’t about trust or questioning the agent’s expertise. It’s a disagreement on the market value. The agent says one thing. I say another. But J reiterated that the agent is my representative. He can argue his case, but ultimately, it is MY decision. And that’s where I need to assert my position more strongly. Bubbey, man: world-class EQ, I tell you. His point was good one, and I think part of all this stress is that the conflict and style of exchange has been bothering me since last week… But J was right. It’s not an emotional thing. I put in money for the renovation. I’ve been managing this property for years and in the end, I want top dollar for it. End of discussion. Whew. Are you feeling my growing anxiety over here? The good thing about me? I do what has to be done. I will have the conversation or discussion that no one wants to have (e.g. Eating disorder intervention, alcoholism intervention, what have you).

So I emailed my agent. Yes, a call probably would have been better but it’s past 5p over there and I’m better in written form. So I stated my position more strongly and now, the ball is back in the agent’s court. Stay tuned.

Meanwhile, my dad called this afternoon bc he got into some feud with the pest control company. Long story short, last summer, there was a squirrel problem at the townhouse, so dad signed up for pest service. I guess the seasonal plan auto-renews, which he didn’t know bc he didn’t read the fine print on the back of the contract. So this July kicked off the new season and dad got a bill. He called the corporate office. Then the local office. Then, the local manager. They argued back and forth for 20 minutes, and my dad claims the guy said “fuck you” a bunch of times and then hung up. So who gets called in to resolve this issue? OnStar of course. Ugh.

So I call the guy. He’s hard to understand bc he mutters, his voice is low, and he’s in the car. He explains and says the charge was for take down service after the new season started and my dad called to discontinue service. So I just say that I want a copy of the work order and tech invoice to see what was done. Then I say, yes, the auto renewal was on the contract but no one fucking reads a contract esp when the vendor is standing there in front of you waiting on your signature. They should really give people a heads up like hey, the new season is starting next month and you are on track to auto-renew… Anyway, he agrees to send me the work order files after he gets home.

And then, I call him out on being rude to my dad. Fuck yeah, I did. I just said, I know sometimes it’s hard to communicate with someone whose native language isn’t English but there’s no need to be rude and unprofessional. Then he explained that he’s Hispanic (doh!!) and he doesn’t have issues with different cultures but my dad kept cutting him off and wouldn’t let him talk, so after 20 minutes, he said he had to go. Fair enough. I mean, my mother is NOTORIOUS for cutting people off. My father not so much, but if he thinks you are ripping him off, he can get argumentative. As for the cussing, was the dude saying “stop” or “fuck.” I don’t know. I apologized for dad cutting him off and please send me the work order. At most, not a huge deal. Dad would be out $70. I mean, some people might just pay the $70 to be done with this bullshit, but you know, part of it is the principle of it. Auto renewals are always super sketchy and I mean, if you’re yelling and/or cussing at my dad, that’s not cool either. So it got worked out, but that kind of interaction is fucking stressful as hell. So now I’m totally drained.

Time to pet my doggies and then try to salvage the day with some studying. Quickie trip to Palm Springs kicks off tomorrow (I had Southwest credits to burn!). Woot, woot!

Like a Boss

Wow, my mind is still buzzing from all the stimulation at BlogHer. My latest thoughts? I’m feeling the need to beef up my knowledge of personal finance and investing. I know, as boring and dry and tedious as that sounds, I am determined to get a handle on this aspect of my life.

So I’m gonna start by coming clean with a major confession. I am 40 y/o, and I have never ever done my own taxes. Yes, I know. WTF kind of Bubble Girl life have I been living? My friends insist that doing taxes is not that hard and with TurboTax, the task is pretty straightforward. Still. I have never done it on my own. When I was growing up, my father had a CPA who did taxes for his business and investments. As soon as I was of working age, my father had me stashing away my paltry internship stipends into various IRAs. At the time, I just did as he advised, bc I mean, as a 16-y/o, I really didn’t give two fucks about the details of “adulting:” I instinctively trusted what they said as best practice. As I evolved into an adult, I continued doing the same habits: maxing out my 401k contributions and stashing funds into IRAs. When I joined forces with Bubs, he took on the responsibility of doing our taxes bc he had been doing his taxes since forever. As a side note, can you believe J and I are celebrating 20 years together this month? It’s crazy to think about just how young we were when we got together. We met when we were mere 20-y/os and then we got married at 26/27. I feel like, when people hear about how young we were, their reaction is similar to mine, like if I were to hear about someone having a baby/getting married as teens or newbie college grads. It feels like, inappropriately young, you know?

Honestly, it’s a fucking miracle that we are still together. Haha. I mean, yeah, we’re both amazing people 🙂 and all, but shit, two decades is a long-ass time to grow together, through so many big life changes. And I mean, not to throw the hubs under the bus, but Bubbey has A LOT of quirks. I know, most people who know us probably think I’m the more difficult/challenging person to tolerate of the two (It’s ok, I know Bubbey’s got that world class social and emotional intelligence that makes him instantly loveable), but shit, he can be difficult. The road hasn’t been all smooth sailing. We’re both super stubborn beotches in our own ways. But I digress…

So yeah, I’m basically admitting to being a princess. I HATE that description, bc it totally suggests a coddled life (which in turn, conjures bad thoughts about my brother…) but at the same time, my background is what it is.

Fast forward to BlogHer. One of the speakers was a former Wall St. baller. She talked about how financially, women are often behind men, bc three big factors work against them: 1) the pay gap 2) an investing gap 3) falling out of the workforce to raise families. While year to year, the gaps might not seem significant, over the entire span of our working/earning lives, the differences compound into something huge. By retirement age, women have less money saved than men even though they outlive them! I came away from this talk realizing that I need to have a better understanding of my personal finances. I’m not talking so much about saving. I’m pretty good at that, but saving only goes so far.

By not educating myself about growing my money, I am only doing myself a disservice. For example, we’ve all read about salary negotiations and how women consistently avoid making the ask. Sure, it’s confrontational and uncomfortable but you know what? The difference is not just in that one moment/instant. The difference is cumulative. I just had a call last week with my friend P. Her boyfriend was urging her to ask for a raise. She had never done this before and she was so stressed. It made me think about a job offer I got many years back. I’d negotiated for salary before, but I was still so nervous and a part of me wanted to just not ask. But thank goodness I did, bc you know what? I got $70k instead of $48k. And if you factor in annual increases or whatever over a woman’s working lifetime, that extra lift is a big fucking deal. Thankfully, my friend made the ask. Unfortunately, her employer is undergoing some management changes, so no results just yet. Still though. No matter what, asking is better than just accepting.

Ultimately though, my takeaway is this. It’s great that I have my father and J as trustworthy, financially-savvy resources, but I need to know this shit for myself bc as I have seen with friends and family, life happens: divorce, cancer, whatever. If empowerment, independence, and self-sufficiency truly are my values, I need to step this shit up.

So the plan is this: I’m going to start reading this book published by The Motley Fool: Warren Buffett Invests Like a Girl, and I’m starting to ask questions, like immediately. This afternoon, I emailed Schwab with some questions about rollovers, and I also called Fidelity about my employer-sponsored 403b. Then I talked to dad about IRAs. My head kinda hurts now, so I’m going to go color my hair. See? Random thoughts all crammed into one head! And all of it discussed on the blog. I do what I fucking want, man! Haha.

Celebrity Insights

Even though BlogHer was a bit of a disappointment, J and I had a great trip down in LA. It had been a few months since we’d last traveled together (London/Paris in April), so it was a good exercise in re-assimilating so to speak. 🙂

In addition, I got a chance to catch up with my BlogHer crew (third reunion!): Jennifer from Diary of a Working Woman and Evelyn from Mommy Mafia. Let me tell you, these ladies know how to work the blogging/branding game. For reals. They are always raking in the affiliates dough and driving around in fancy sponsored SUVs and shit. 🙂 Real life hustlers. We met up on Day 2 for breakky, lunch, and the Conga Room afterparty. These ladies are too much fun.

Holy crap, I dunno what is in the air down in LA, but I got carded. TWICE. I mean, I guess I’m supposed to be all flattered and shit, but are you for real? I just turned 40, y’all. Pipe it down. Maybe some people are just clueless. Honestly, it reminds me of Marty at the dog park. Homeboy is fucking SIXTEEN years old, and I STILL get people asking me if he’s a puppy. Seriously, I was just asked that question last week. I mean, at first, I was like, ok who are these clueless, non-dog people, but the last time, the person was a dog owner!! I know, WTF right??? Oh well, makes for a good story, anyway.

So yeah, like Marty, I was freaking age-checked. I’m thinking it’s that mid-life crisis side shave. Funny thing, I got several compliments on my hair at the conference. For someone who’s pretty much a lifelong socially-awkward person, yes, that shit is music to my ears!!  Maybe my black Camuto heels (from Schoola) also helped to promote the badass facade. Haha.

So despite the shitty conference sessions, BlogHer still got my brain churning. On Day 1, we heard from Sarah Michelle Geller who just started a baking goods startup called Foodstirs. She made some interesting observations about how pitching to VCs is totally different than auditioning for acting roles. There was a huge learning curve for her, but she really embraced the experience with a great attitude, focusing on doing new things and taking risks in new arenas. Turns out, her hubby, actor Freddie Prinze, Jr. went to cooking school and recently published a new cookbook. He was at the conference too. The lines for him were monster and sadly, like the rest of us, the dude is getting old. 🙁

After SMG, Sheryl Crow talked about how cancer changed her life. She admitted to doing the whole fame/vanity thing and being totally blindsided by her illness. She also made some interesting points about 1) using tech to our medical/health advantage. Apparently, there’s a new technology that can detect breast cancer like up to 15 months sooner than with the old tech. 2) She also talked about how women often take on too much in their roles as caretakers. This allows too much stress into our lives, so we really need to set stricter boundaries to gatekeep that toxic crap.

We then heard from Kdash. It’s funny bc I really didn’t know what to expect from Kim. I will say, despite her insane celebrity, she came across quite ordinary. I wasn’t particularly enamored or smitten or inspired by her talk, but I did appreciate her overall ease… I mean, she talked a lot about how much she relies on her friends for advice and expertise. And she was remarkably chill about the haters. She admitted that it used to bother her a ton, but now that she has such great support from Kanye, it bothers her less. And to all the haters who insist that she has zero talent, she smartly countered, “Well, yeah, if you think that all I do is sit and play in front of my computer, then heck, I guess my work is just that easy, right? I get paid for doing nothing… And yet, I’m still driving the same car; I’m still living the same lifestyle.” That’s the thing. It’s so easy to dismiss people who are “successful.” I’ve seen it so many times. Like, I used to totally swoon about Martha Stewart and her “empire.” Then J would say some shit like, “Oh, she has this whole team that does everything. She doesn’t actually do any of the real work.” Uh, excuse me, but do people say the same shit for Emeril or for successful male celebrities? No! Their successes are almost always attributed solely to them, but for some reason, with women, their success is attributed to other people. So fucking annoying. I mean that shit just happened this week even what that Syrian refugee swimmer winning the gold medal and the news announcer going on and on, giving her hubby all the credit. Did the hubby swim the fucking race? No. Give credit where it’s due, people.

Sure, with Martha maybe there is a team working behind the scenes, but then admit that there’s a tribe on both sides, for both famous men AND famous women. At the end of the day, as someone who used to work in social media, I gotta give Kdash props for keeping up with the gabillion social media platforms she’s on… that shit is inundating and exhausting and as far as I can tell, she’s crafting her own posts.

Anyway, I’m not saying I’m a diehard Kdash fan, but like I’ve said before, as with all celebrities, I always see glimpses of me (us) in them. I was definitely disappointed (though not entirely surprised) that she doesn’t identify herself as “feminist.” Still, I admire her hustle and her unapologetic attitude of doing what makes her happy.

On Day 2, I sat in on the lunch keynote with Mayim Bialik. I don’t watch BBT at all, and I’m not really that familiar with Mayim, even from her Blossom days, but she had a really fascinating Q&A. Like Kim, she came across very self-aware, and I loved how she described herself as being super hippy and crunchy and granola and “that’s ok.” I was surprised that in spite of her extreme choices, she is pretty open about letting other people decide for themselves. That’s not often the case for people at the extremes. Like Mayim breastfed until super late, but she admitted, “If that’s not right for you, fine!” Similarly, she is vegan, but if you aren’t, great!

She recently launched an online project called GrokNation. And she shared several funny stories about being a marketing agent’s worst nightmare. Like the branding person kept asking her what was going to be her niche; advising that she focus the site on a few key areas. But Mayim refused to be limited: she wanted to talk about everything and anything, bc those are the thoughts swimming around in her head! I love that attitude! I mean, we are complicated beings; why should be put ourselves into neat little boxes, right?

She also admitted that she’s not super sparkly and appealing in the conventional celebrity sense, but that doesn’t stop her from wanting to create her own online space. From her path as an awkward child, who turned into an awkward teen, who turned into an awkward public adult… She knows herself, and she selects projects on her own terms. She doesn’t follow the formula, bc she gives herself permission to deviate and to experiment. Pretty frickin’ inspiring!

I wonder how her insights might apply to my life. For example, I frequently flip flop about focusing my blog on a specific niche in order to better monetize and market it. On the other hand, I also feel compelled to simply write about whatever I want, bc like her, all that shit is swimming around muddled in my head! Unlike Mayim though, I don’t have the same confidence to pick one way and just go forward with it. Instead, I want it all: I want to be a savvy marketer AND I also want to write about whatever. Ugh. And curiously, I’ve been like that with my professional/career path: I choose one way but then all the while, I constantly gauge my success by standards that apply for the other path. Basically, no matter what, I always lose and I always fail.

Mayim also shared some entertaining stories about her mother: Apparently, her mom is her biggest fan. She gushes on and on about how talented and beautiful Mayim is, and whenever her mom catches wind about so-and-so scoring a contract with Louis Vuitton, her mom calls Mayim all incredulous, asking, “Why didn’t LV approach YOU to be the face of the brand? What’s wrong with those people?”

It’s so interesting to hear about that level of parental support. My parents were always like, “So-and-so are doing this and that. Why aren’t you as good them? Why aren’t you doing all these amazing successful things?” But with Mayim’s mom, the position is kinda reversed. Her mom is in complete disbelief that the world doesn’t see the awesomeness and beauty that she sees. That pretty much blows my mind, and it really makes me wonder how parenting shapes a child’s development, growth, and confidence. Wow. What a concept to celebrate differences as better rather than lesser.

Being Dismissed

I get frustrated sometimes being a woman. As you know, my family has a townhouse back East that’s currently on the market. The agent with whom I’m working was recommended by the previous agent J and I used to sell our first home in Virginia. Anyway, so far the process with this new agent was working out well: on his suggestion, we put in about $10k in renovations prior to putting the property on the market. He’s been very good about driving and staying on schedule. Long story short, we received two offers on the house in less than ten days. The good news is that the house seems priced right enough to solicit offers. The bad news is that the offers feel low.

I mean, I’m not a realtor but at the same time, I’m no stranger to data nor is my family a stranger to real estate. There are so many online tools now for you to see comp properties and figure out market prices. My point is, even though my father and I have access to “experts,” we don’t just follow them blindly. That has never been our style. Even with the Houseboat, I had a realtor whom I trusted THE MOST out of all realtors I’ve dealt with, and I STILL backed up her recs with my own independent research.

Back to the offers: they felt seriously lowball, like $10-15k off after factoring in their request for buyer credits at settlement. I understand that real estate transactions are all about negotiations, and I’m fine to negotiate but I still want a price that I feel is fair. I won’t go into all the numeric details, but for the second offer, we countered twice and ultimately, it came down to $2k. And my agent basically pressured me to take it, based on his predictions for the market and the type of interested buyers we were getting. I had consulted with my father and with J. I decided to hold firm and let the buyers walk away.

The conversation with my agent bugged me though, bc I really felt like he scoffed at my decision. Like when I said I wanted to hold firm, partly bc the offer is too low and partly bc the property has ONLY been on the market for a week, I swear I heard him laugh in disbelief. He kept saying that it was ultimately my decision (yes, I know!), but his response felt really unsupportive. The thing is, my position is the same as my father’s, so I really wonder how the agent’s response might have differed had the decision been verbalized/relayed by my father. J says it’s not necessarily a gender thing, that maybe it was bc I had wavered, like my voice/tone allowed for the possibility of coming down more… Perhaps. And at the same time, the point of experts is for them to share their honest opinions so I certainly don’t want to fault him for his frankness…

That said, I’m trying to be more business savvy. Like J always warns me to look for the other party’s angle and what’s in it for them. For example, all my real estate books say that the agent has fiduciary responsibility to the client, meaning the client’s financial interests are supposed to be above the agent’s. But that’s textbook, and this is real life. As J pointed out, the agent gets the same commission whether he hustles to sell our property at that price in eight days or in one month. Of course, for him, the faster the better so he can move on to selling others. In the end, I explained my position to the agent as this: the house just went on the market. I’m willing to come down, but not that much right now. Maybe after a few weeks, we’ll end up lowering the price anyway. Maybe not. Maybe we’ll get a better offer. I’m willing to take the risk by holding on a while longer.

Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable exchange, and I felt somewhat bullied. And then all that night, I kept replaying that shit over and over in my head. I imagined John or my father delivering the same decision, and I’m certain they would not BELABOR the conversation in their heads afterwards. Is it a confidence thing? Was it a mansplaining thing? Is it me? Is it woman vs. man? Is it my fear of being wrong?

The whole scenario is an interesting experience bc as much as I believe that I’ve seen a lot in my lifetime, there are still so many pockets of naivety and inexperience. I always strive to be more street smart and more business savvy. But I guess those are things that only come through wider exposure. So all I can do is just keep learning. Hopefully, with more experience, I can be faster and surer in my decision-making.

Spurring Action

Years ago, I read about some study on crying, comparing how frequently women cry compared to men. I think the number back then was six times per month for women compared to only once a month for men. I remember that at the time, immediately on hearing the stats, I scoffed. Big. time. WTF, people. There is no way I cry that much in 30 days. And in typical fashion, Bubbey stepped right in to challenge my reaction: “You definitely cry six or more times per month. You cry just watching things on tv!” Say what? That shit doesn’t count!!! Ok fine, if watching something on tv counts, then fine. Yes, sometimes I get emotional when triggered.

Fast forward to now, and well fuck, last week was a rough one. I must have doubled the monthly average. My trigger(s)? Four days of the fricking Democratic National Convention. Admittedly, since my days at FMF (when I was just a young pup in my 20s) I’ve def stepped back A LOT from politics. When I was at FMF, I was all in: I wrote for the organization’s daily news wire; I crafted letters that constituents emailed to their elected officials; I petitioned in front of the Capitol calling for greater access to emergency contraception and broader abortion rights… I was in it hard. But those days, every time I saw my parents, we argued (mostly about how damaging Republicans were for women and minorities). I was angry every. damn. day, and I was always fighting with someone about something (Johnny was also living with John and me at the time). I even had heated email exchanges with haters who wrote into the organization, complaining about my advocacy emails and other stances to which they disagreed. Back then, I cared so much that it exhausted me. After I left FMF and we moved to China in 2003, I realized just how much I needed that break and distance. Now that I’m forty though, I’ve realized that I’ve shifted to the opposite extreme, to the point of not even wanting to debate politics with friends.

So last week, I watched most of the big DNC speeches… So many of them moved and inspired me. I’d been comfortable in my stepping away and in NOT engaging, but as I listened to Michelle Obama and Cory Booker and Elizabeth Warren and so many others, a part of me couldn’t help but feel ashamed by my inaction and lack of participation. Our voices DO matter. And change happens powerfully when people who have less at stake join in supporting and advocating for people who have everything at stake. So how do I re-enter this treacherous zone without losing my shit? I honestly don’t know. But after I got over feeling disappointed in myself (yet again), I decided that I need to start volunteering again. Last time when I was unemployed for an extended period, I helped the local job center with training and computer lab support. When I lived in China, I used to volunteer with animal rescue orgs. When I lived back East, I taught English to adult immigrants. What happened to that person who cared AND acted?

So I contacted the local day labor center to learn more about volunteer opps with teaching and tech assistance. Even though this isn’t a direct way of defeating Trump in the upcoming campaign, I’m going to view it as a beneficial first step towards reconnecting with things that matter to me.

Meanwhile, some interesting articles I’ve read:
Re: Hillary Clinton for President. Sexism is REAL.
Reconciling the differing roles of spouse vs. daughter: Melania and Ivanka
A reminder to be less judgey

Mind Racing

I’ve been thinking about so many different things lately… the most common theme being that it is fucking hard to be a woman! A few weeks ago, I watched some videos from the VMAs. There was all this hype about Britney Spears’ performance so you know I HAD to watch that. I mean, first, hats off to anyone who retains that level of longevity in show business. Pop culture is a fucking fickle beast, so staying relevant takes a huge amount of discipline and hard work. Even if I’ve only liked a few of her songs here and there (same with Madonna), I still gotta give props for her insane dance moves. I just think about how I’ve taken two low-level Groupon dance classes, and shit, I can’t even imagine the amount of dedication, coordination, and physical exhaustion her fitness requires. So yeah, obviously, she’s an amazing performer. That said, I’m still a frickin’ prude-ass and shit, her show made me uncomfortable as fuck. All the sexy outfits and gyrating movements… I mean, it should come as no surprise that shit made me cringe. And then I stumbled on some other YouTube videos containing commentary lambasting Britney for being a “whore,” for glamorizing strippers or whatever. And it got me thinking again about how you just can’t win! Honestly, who the fuck knows where that exact line is… the one that separates empowering/confident/sexy from trashy/degrading? On one hand, she’s an entertainer and people seem to clamor for her style and delivery of entertainment. She’s just “knowing her audience.” On the other hand, is she adulterating young, impressionable minds? What message, if any, is she sending? I have friends who give me crap, bc I watch the Kardashians. I don’t agree with every damn thing they do, but my friends give me shit bc they insist that no legit feminist can support Kim, esp given her penchant for naked selfies, her immodest overexposure (literally and figuratively), and most importantly, given her ascent to fame due to a sex tape. Can feminists support Britney and Beyonce? They prance around in some pretty risque outfits and are also quite active (overexposed/self indulgent) on social media. Are they acceptable bc their sex tapes were kept private and also bc they have “real” talent, whereas Kim’s media savvy and business acumen don’t count for crap? Ultimately, here’s the thing: we are all hypocrites in this life; we all do things and act in ways that are incongruous. Why? Bc we’re not fucking robots!

For example, here’s an easy disconnect: I’m feminist, and I wear makeup. Yes, I wear makeup partly bc I don’t like my natural look, partly bc I don’t feel “beautiful” by society’s standards, but also bc I derive enjoyment from experimenting and playing with makeup. I’m feminist and instead of being completely independent and self-sufficient, I’m currently a homemaker who has dinner ready for Bubbey when he gets home. I’m a feminist, and I do nearly all of the housework, regardless of whether or not I’m working outside the house. I’m feminist, and I spend substantial hours and dollars studying images of women (er, objectifying women), most of which are heavily Photoshopped and/or where the women are made to look totally different from how they naturally appear. I invest in superficial things like makeup, hair color, self-tanner, clothing, shoes, accessories… When I watch award shows on tv, if I’m honest, I’m more interested in the fashion and the makeup than in the women’s professional craft/work. I do all these things and yet, I’m a feminist bc I support the policy/advocacy of social, economic, and political equality for women. Are we there yet? Clearly, not. And I’m sure me falling into these existing gender roles and cultural constructs (if even by choice) doesn’t exactly move the needle at exponential speed, but you know what? I’m not perfect. I do things that conflict all the time, and that’s just how the cookie crumbles. I don’t live in a utopia. I still engage in society and sometimes play by the existing rules and yield to the current pressures.

I don’t know the exact history of the Kdash sex tape– was it leaked deliberately as some stunt masterminded by the mother, or was its reveal accidental? I don’t know, but that sex tape does NOT get to define her forever. She’s not peddling that tape around 10 years later, telling people, “Hey look at me, watch me in this video!” Yes, she takes nude selfies but that’s not ALL she does. Could she be less self-absorbed? Sure. So could all of us. For me, I watch the Kardashians, bc I am intrigued by their family dynamics. I’m impressed by how the entire family has parlayed negative publicity into so many different business ventures: makeup lines, clothing lines, shoe lines, the show, a book, product endorsements, design/artsy portfolios, etc. Yes, I absolutely think Kylie is growing up way too fast for a teen, but I’ve also been pleasantly surprised by how she and Kendall have handled the Bruce-Caitlyn transition. Would I be so supportive if my father made those changes and choices? Hellz no! Would I be able to see the bigger picture of his happiness and place that above the public circus and humiliation? These girls are not even 20 y/o! That’s some serious shit to grapple with. If you really strip away the glitz and glam, in the end, they battle similar issues that I battle: cultivating friendships/relationships/marriages, hustling for work (let’s just admit, they understand PR and media), and making choices/decisions despite the criticism/judgement within and outside their circles. I can’t relate to Kim’s desire to have kids to the point of undergoing IVF, but that’s a very real struggle I have witnessed among my friends and colleagues. Then there’s the long-term unconventional relationship between Kourtney and Scott. Yes, both are annoying as fuck but in any relationship, esp a long one, when do you know to keep plugging and when do you throw in the towel? There’s also the topic of mother-daughter relationships. I’ve always found the “mom as your BFF” concept to be odd but it works for some people. I’m curious to know if Kris really is the mastermind behind everything, or is she just the ESTJer getting shit done? Finally, with Lamar and Rob, how do you love people who are self-destructive or addicts? Maybe that’s the thing about me and entertainment. I always see the us in them. No matter how different our lives and settings are, I see similar struggles and emotions. Humans are fucking complicated man, and you can’t just put people into neat little boxes.

And that’s the other thing I’ve been thinking about: the whole media shaming thing. Obviously, the Cincinnati zoo incident was disturbing as fuck. And I will admit, my very first gut reaction was, “Come on, people. Keep an eye on your fucking kids!!” And that’s probably due to my own bias against people with children. But at the end of the day, no one wanted this to happen. I mean, hell, life is unexpected and unpredictable. Who would have expected that my sis-in-law and her beau would go to a wedding last summer and only she would return? In retrospect, it’s easy to say he shouldn’t have drunk so much or he shouldn’t have been a smoker or he shouldn’t have jay walked, blah, blah, blah. Well, shit happened and you have to go from there. The 4 y/o somehow made his way into the pen and rather than getting upset that it even happened, the zoo and its team had to make decisions about the immediate problem. Moving forward, yes, let’s consider how zoos and visitors can prevent this from happening again, but honestly there’s no point in shaming the parents (and of course, the mother is being shamed MORE than the father). Shit happens and life is appalling every. fucking. day.

Finally, I want to end on a few things I’ve recently watched on tv. The OJ Simpson series and Confirmation, about the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas debacle. And now, the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp situation. It’s not easy to be a woman who steps forward. I remember that I was only a child during the Justice Thomas confirmation hearings. I didn’t follow the news closely, but somehow as a child, I had determined that she was lying. I didn’t like how she described such graphic disgusting exchanges in a formal setting and why had she come forward so late? Looking back, I clearly had a bias, one that dismissed women and supported men. Where did I pick that up? As an adult, it saddens me that I thought that way of such an accomplished and brave woman: rather than be infuriated by Mr. Thomas and his gall in talking to a colleague with such inappropriate and sexual details, I somehow blamed her for his harassing behavior. And the whole OJ thing? We see this theme over and over again where famous men get some kind of pass for criminal behavior just bc they contribute something else that we admire, enjoy, or value. Roman Polanski. Woody Allen. Ray Rice. Bill Cosby. Jerry Sandusky. Michael Jackson. Forgiveness for men is so easy. It’s like we can’t possibly fathom that men are complex and deceptive. They’re just good ‘ol boys, just bros. Johnny Depp’s daughter and ex came forward insisting he was a gentle soul. He never abused them. Well, OJ never beat the shit out of anyone other than Nicole. Whatever. Just another day where women get dismissed, discredited, and/or vilified with an incommensurate level of anger and outrage.