Category Archives: Feminism

Winds of Change

The good news is that so much has changed since my last frustrated, disenchanted post. Thank fucking goodness Biden stepped down, and now we are in a totally transformed state of energy and momentum and hope. I am sooo STOKED about KH. Right away, the people around me were skeptics and cynics and doubters (despite being supporters). Jesus, who knew I was surrounded by a bunch of Debbie Downers… nonetheless, my enthusiasm could not be smothered, and as it turned out, neither could that of a who deluge of people. I mean, she raised SO MUCH DAMN MONEY in the first 24-hrs alone! It was awesome to bear witness.

And since those early hours as the new guard, she’s raised even more. Meanwhile, Trump has gotten flustered, and his previously “disciplined” strategy has been blown out of the water, triggering him into reverting back to his old ways of spewing more outrageous garbage out of that damn piehole. Don’t get me wrong, he’s never been moderated (at least from what I’ve been reading), but he’s going off script now more than ever and Jesus, it’s insane how much this shock jock continues to ramble on with his bullshit.

I have to say, I was on the fence about the whole NABJ event. From an academic standpoint, I do think there is value in discourse and presenting opposing sides… it’s just that Trump isn’t really a person who’s presenting an opposing side in any kind of interactive way. His language is just continued hate mongering and racist/sexist fake news that only adds flames to the fire. Nothing he says is ever presented in a manner that contributes to a productive discussion. So then, are these platforms just giving him more free airtime? I dunno what the real answer is on this, but I’m definitely torn.

At the NABJ event specifically, I thought the moderators did a good job staying calm and redirecting back to the questions BUT he was clearly verbally abusive and having a tantrum— should they have given him a platform in the first place to direct that negativity towards them?

I do feel reinvigorated, and I am finding myself following the news more closely… in that sense, this change in the ticket has given me something new to study and follow and care about. Meanwhile, I am already ramping up my activism. My friend G turned me on years ago to Vote Foward, which is a nonprofit organization that focuses on getting out the vote. I have already started my letter writing activities… I’m so excited for November 5. I am feeling very hopeful and optimistic, and so far the stats are looking favorable for KH. YEAH!!!

Daughters of Immigrant Parents 

Holy crap, I cannot believe it is the end of October. I really hustled to finish the month out strong…. I had an open house in Menlo Park Saturday and Sunday in hopes of squeezing in an offer before flying off to Taiwan on Monday. Sadly, no such luck. I’ve had the worst experiences with Menlo Park, actually. It’s a trendy city in the more expensive San Mateo County, so for both properties I was hopeful, but I dunno, the streets are really difficult to place signs bc the roads have no shoulder or have cars parked everywhere. It’s been a real pain and then I got no traffic through the open house. Given, the properties were on the market longer than usual but still… anyway, note to self: No more Menlo Park. Stick to what I know in Santa Clara County.

The interesting thing I’ve learned though while working with my Vietnamese loan agent and my Indian buyers… the immigrant experience really is a powerful life influence. Like when I had my homebuying class and I talked about handling a lot of matters for my parents, the attendees really got it. And so many times, my friend C the loan officer is on the phone handling transactions for her aunt or cousins or whatever. It’s a lot of extra work and tedious shit too like reviewing HOA docs or managing bank accounts or legal contracts…. I dunno. Sometimes it’s comforting to know we share common experiences, but man, Asian daughters have to handle so much shit. C was telling me how her parents bought a house that her brother and his wife live in. Sound familiar? And her brother is always benefiting from being the Asian son. He’s not even responsible or helpful with anything. He just reaps all the benefits without having to lift a fucking finger. Meanwhile, bc C is single, the people in family, esp the women, are constantly cutting her down. Her grandmother ridicules her and calls her an old maid and “leftover” woman. She accuses her of being a man. I get so worked up and pissed off when I hear that shit. It really just highlights how sexist Asian culture still is. Meanwhile she handles all important matters, financing, legal stuff, etc. and her brother does nothing. And she’s the one getting called names. Again, it’s that Asian style of parenting where people think name calling and shaming will motivate you to somehow have a different outcome. It’s so demeaning and manipulative. I think it helps C to know that I understand the criticism bc I have seen it. But man, esp before my trip to Taiwan, it gets me super on edge. Like if my relatives say anything to get under my skin, I will just fucking blow up.

Of course, as the universe would plan it, Johnny keeps emailing my dad’s email account. Last week was a YouTube video by an ex pharma sales guy who basically said the pharmaceutical business is all about making money. Then, there was a video about the dangers of the flu vaccine. This week he sent some video with tips about what husbands can do to maintain a good marriage. I mean, generally I am all about the self help and learning how to improve my relationships, but advice from my selfish, never been married brother? Puhleeze. Step the fuck off, man child.

It irks me so much I’m going to tell Dad I’m done monitoring his emails. He can either block this bullshit content, tell Johnny to stop spreading his antivax propaganda, or he can monitor his own goddamn email. So fucking annoying to see this garbage on a daily basis.

Meanwhile, my colleague at the office keeps telling me I’m so lucky to be going on vacation. Ok woman, Taiwan is NOT a fucking vacation ok? It’s going to take all the energy in the world for me not to blow up at my mother. Remember my trip last year? And the one before that? Granted, I know now what I didn’t know then— that my mother has cognitive issues. So yes, I’m supposed to be extra tolerant and compassionate. I agree that the diseases have not helped with her mental processing. That said, she said and did plenty of damage even when she was of sound mind… but who’s holding a grudge, right?

I always try my best to channel my beloved Bubbey, but ultimately, I am who I am. Sigh. Wish me luck. At least I’ll have our Rover client Sadie Spunkmeyer greeting us the day we get back Stateside!

Troubling Times

Well, it seems that while I have had my head mostly buried in Silicon Valley real estate, the world has continued to descend farther and farther into chaos. I’ve never truly been an optimist and yet, each and every day, I am appalled by this downward spiral that just keeps getting more and more egregious. People are speaking out, and I am grateful to those, esp those who are privileged and white, for calling things out. Whether we like it or not, there are dynamics of power at play. And though it’s important for all to speak out, not all actors exert the same influence and impact.

I’m very tired these days (and now I’m coming down with a sore throat), but I still have thoughts. I don’t feel a need to write my own as I think many of us are on the same page. So I’m going to re-post what this stylist/blogger I follow has to say. All of us who don’t work in politics or social justice directly, we can oftentimes put on our blinders and go about our daily lives. But things are happening. We are witnessing incredibly scary times right now and as much passion as we have for our work, we have to remember that we are a part of something larger. There is a fire burning within us– for work/family/whatever AND for things beyond that, for things beyond our microcosms of complacency and comfort. The terror has got to stop: Society must be intolerant of intolerance.

From the Style by Emily Henderson Blog: My Thoughts on White Supremacy and Last Weekend.

The Subtlety of Sexism

Remember several months ago when I complained that John and I would basically communicate the same things to our bathroom contractor but then the old dude would not understand me but totally get John? And yet we said the same exact information? I complained about it in my blog, bc yet again, I was a woman not being taken seriously, not being listened to, and not being understood. It reminded me a bit of Shanghai when my uncle there would listen to John and me conversing in English, and he insisted that I spoke English with a Chinese accent. John would laugh it off and tell him that my grammar and English skills were way better than his (I was also teaching English as a Second Language at the Arlington Literacy Council), and they still didn’t believe my English proficiency was native level. (I was born in Maryland, btw.)

Well something similar happened again recently. I was over at the house I sold meeting with my buyers and a Chinese contractor they invited to survey the kitchen for renovation. The contractor was Chinese, so I spoke in Mandarin, talking about the load bearing wall and other layout options. I had prepared for the meeting beforehand by culling through tons of home pics on the MLS. I looked for similar home styles in the same neighborhood and then reviewed their interior photos to get ideas for how other owners updated their kitchens. So when I was onsite I told the contractor: one idea I saw was that the people walled up one of the THREE doors to the kitchen so visitors would come in via the front door, walk down a short hallway, and then turn left to see the open concept kitchen. It was better flow. The contractor even commented that my vocabulary was surprisingly advanced bc I used the word “flow.” Anyway, the meeting continued and then at the end, my buyer said he liked the contractor’s idea to seal up the door to the kitchen. Say what? Dude, that was MY suggestion. The meeting ended and I was a little bugged that once again a woman’s comment not only got dismissed but was subsequently credited to a man. Whatever. I went home and shrugged it off. Maybe the buyer got confused and thought the contractor mentioned it.

Then this week, I drove by the house and I saw the same contractor parked in the driveway. I came out and chatted. He showed me the work they started. Then, he specifically said, “we adopted your idea to remove the door and flow the kitchen this way.”

I felt so redeemed. I mean, maybe this comes across as some small, petty, insignificant thing. Think what you will. I know these moments add up. These subtle, seemingly insignificant instances are why women still don’t have equal representation in corporate leadership. This is why women continue to earn less for the same work. Smh. It might not have been deliberate or intentional. The point is, sexism persists. Women still have a ways to go. The next time I meet the buyers, I will have to express pride in seeing my suggestion come to fruition. Haha.

Jumping June

Well, a lot has happened since the end of May. First, mom got her MRI test results back. The scans indicate that her brain “plaques” are not due to a hemorrhage or tumor. It’s not exactly good news: just news that eliminates other possible explanations for her cognitive decline. She is definitely getting worse. I am seeing her decline written all over my dad’s face when he calls via FaceTime. He says she seems happy and fine. But goddamn, he looks tired. He says that when they go out to restaurants and she needs to use the restroom afterwards, he waits for her right outside the women’s bathroom, bc there have been times when she came out and got disoriented in the restaurant. The thought of this is seriously stressing me out, bc that means she really does have to be chaperoned at all times.

I’ve been doing a ton of research recently for dad. He wanted me to contact real estate investors to gather data points for selling his properties as-is. That route turned out to be a total no-go at like 70% of market value. Then, I researched estate planning folks. As usual, I spent all this time checking reviews and BBB and whatever. Dad will just attend some free seminar given by a company that has a regular radio spot and use that company if he likes the seminar. Then I have been researching activities to keep Alzheimer’s people active… My parents actually enrolled in a watercolor class offered through the Frederick Center for Aging. My dad just kept saying they weren’t good (See? Perfectionists. This is class no. 1. Neither has ever taken watercoloring… they aren’t going to be good right out of the gate. Get over it!). I’m glad they are signed up (4 classes, once a week) and are finally getting outside of the house and interacting with people. Frickin’ hermits.

I also had a call with an agent in Rockville. I was actually thinking about her for my parents, my neighbor’s parents (who live in MD), and maybe my MIL… eventually when any one of those parties is ready to move. The agent was a kindred spirit actually. I like her a lot and turns out she has connections to my hometown and her hubby graduated from Stanford. Anyway, we have promised to do lunch when either is in the other’s neck of the woods. Kinda cool. The whole reason I found her was bc last time in MD, we drove by a cute bungalow for sale, and I noticed the KW sign. KW is kinda lesser known back home. I looked up the listing, saw what a fab job she did getting the place ready for sale, and then dug around seeing where she’s done her transactions: Frederick, Rockville, NW DC. Check, check, check. Yeah, sometimes building my network is fun.

What else. My newest Rover client started on June 2. I was really worried Sadie was going to be way overbearing and spazzy, but she’s turning out to be top notch. Yeah, getting up there with my beloved Ramona aka Kidney Bean even!

Workwise, there has been some drama. I really thought I’d escaped all that bullshit office politics when I left govvie and higher ed. Apparently. Not. Long story short, my coach/mentor abruptly changed offices. We were trying to still partner together despite being in different offices, but after a week and after seeing the writing on the wall where the old office clearly was NOT going to support an ongoing partnership, I decided to switch also. It’s fine: the new place is basically the same distance and the office is larger, not to mention run by women leaders whom I really like, and WAY more organized. I feel good about the move, but you know, there’s a lot with meeting all the agents here and just kinda settling in. As a side note, the drama/feuding between the offices is continuing. So juvenile.

My German family is still working with my lender. I hope they can make progress soon so we can start house hunting… we’ll see. Meanwhile, I am still trying to fill my weekends with open houses. Last weekend, my colleague at the old office passed me some options: on Saturday morning, I discovered that I would be co-hosting a Sunnyvale condo with a veteran agent with nearly 30 years of experience! He was a great guy and we talked the whole time, but open house wise, traffic was kind of slow and at the end of the day, I was super wiped. Not just from all the talking but also bc talking to him really highlighted just how far I have to go. He was super savvy too: knew all the tax laws and financial secrets. I think he said he used to be Mayor of Sunnyvale. He was SUPER well-connected: had all kinds of stories of influence and getting shit done. He was similar to my dad too in that he had established multiple income streams… another key to building wealth. 

I was supposed to go to a dance festival in downtown SJ afterwards, but man, open houses make for very long days, esp when I go doorknocking beforehand. Yeah, no real leads that day either. Kinda sucked. But things are warming up again: I just scored an open house for this weekend. I’m also slated for another next weekend. Work, work, work, work, work.

Shortcuts

I gotta admit: anxiety is a strange beast. I mean, I always have some chronic level of anxiety: honestly, I feel it’s just a part of life when you’re an over thinker and/or a perfectionist. There is always something to worry about and obsess over bc shit’s just not quite right.

It’s funny though bc even though I identify as an over thinker, I don’t really consider myself a perfectionist. That’s a totally separate thing, and given my nonchalance about the details of our home reno, I do feel I have a certain freedom that perfectionists don’t necessarily have. Like the old shower tile work wasn’t completely straight but heck, I never even noticed until now… like seven years later. We ran out of floor tile and another box of it was on backorder for months, so we just substituted a similar but DIFFERENT tile for underneath the vanity. It’s covered up anyway.

And I kinda do hacks/shortcuts like this all the time. Just yesterday, I had my first homebuying class right? I wore my new CAbi jumpsuit with my Vince Camuto peep toe booties. My feet are looking rough these days. I just haven’t been doing my usual home pedis. So my toes were looking bad. And my event was set to start in one hour. My solution? I put on my shoes and just painted the exposed toes. Yeah, I couldn’t even be bothered to polish the ring and pinky toes on my feet. Oh well, that’s just going to have to do. And I do nutty shit like that all the time. I had this bedazzled necklace on a fabric backing that just would NOT lay flat. I kept re-tying it to get it right, but it just kept folding over itself, so fuck it: I pulled a Donald Trump tie trick. That’s right: I got a piece of packing tape, doubled it into a loop, and voila, that mofo stayed flat against my shirt. Of course, as the day wore on and the tie/sash loosened, that middle medallion sat nonsensically perfectly positioned. What can I say: I gotta pick and choose my battles, man.

So the thing I’ve noticed in the last several weeks is that anxiety compounds itself. I got so wound up over everything that 24 hrs later, I am still trying to fully decompress. It’s like my body got used to the elevated stress and then almost forgot how to come back down from it.

Right now I’m en route to Nashville, and it’s funny but my college bud’s girlfriend is an uber planner, so I am just showing up. I mean, overall, I enjoy travel planning, esp bc I have my process down, but every now and then, I certainly appreciate the luxury of just showing up. Seriously, after we settled on the dates MONTHS ago, she researched and booked lodging, car, and created a Google docs filled with things to do. I didn’t have to coordinate with the AirBnb lady. No searching things to do on TripAdvisor or any of the travel guides. Bam, it’s already done. Thank goodness, bc I have been maxed out and would not have made time for it on my plate.

In other news, my bathroom reno is still happening. It’s SO frustrating but essentially, after we selected our GC, we thought the only piece he was going to outsource was plumbing. However, after the project got underway, he ended up outsourcing electrical, tile work, painting… I ended up using our gardener’s brother bc he was available sooner and I wanted to try him out, but that has turned out disappointing too. He works full time and then does our stuff after hours, and things have just dragged on bc he can’t come every day. The interplay def has not been optimal and I’m super frustrated by it but I am learning for the future. Construction project management is only good when you have a well-oiled army of good, reliable, punctual contractors. That’s what it all boils down to. I had to ride my painter already and it was not comfortable, and now I know for next time that I want a very specific schedule breakdown and calendar of availability. Sure, it’s not the end of the world, but a month plus was just way longer than I had allotted in my mind. Right now, we should be done by the end of next week. Ugh. I just want to put crap away into the new vanity and remove all that junk lying around my bedroom floor.

Meanwhile, our friends recently got their master bath majorly re-done. The project dragged on for months and months. Finally, it was done and they enjoyed their new monster bathtub several times, only to discover water leaks three floors down in the garage. And no one knows why that is happening but clearly, the new bathroom is the culprit and all that beautiful new chevron porcelain tile is gonna have to come out. Major shit. Plumbing problems are THE worst. For a split second, I entertained the idea of being a female plumber. I figured solid waste engineering already prepped me for the conditions, but nope. Too many problems with water damage. I’m out.

What else. Oh, I attended a CAbi networking event on Monday. My friend T had suggested at the host party that I should become a CAbi stylist. It’s basically a Pampered Chef but with clothes. Frankly, I’m already knee-deep in the throes of a sales job and I’m already overwhelmed. But, I got invited to the event and I figured it would be another opportunity to meet new people. It was ok, and I always like learning about organizations where women are entrepreneurial and you know, flourishing in business. Still, those multilevel marketing programs are just hard for me to accept. I like the clothes. I do think they are much nicer worn than hanging on display, but I mean, I’m almost exclusively a second-hand clothing woman now. I just don’t value clothes enough to pay $80-$100 for a blouse and $130+ for jeans or pants. Since the hosted party event I attended last month, I found CAbi stuff on Schoola and Thredup, so I’ve been acquiring more pieces– just not at full price. Regardless, it was an ok event and I made some new connections. But shit, I am tired.

Consolation Prize

Oh my. After another week of running around and putting myself out there, I just crashed and burned. Last Wednesday, Bubs flew back East again to visit his mom and take care of bidness. I went to seven trainings, met with more lenders, caught up with old colleagues, attended a few meetups, and hosted an open house.

I went to a bday party last night for my friend K at the university. She and the hubby just bought their first house: what a cozy and beautiful bungalow in Southeast San Jose! Some of our former colleagues were at the party, so it was nice to catch up. My former department restructured recently and some peeps I know got pushed out (sadly) while others scored big time reclassifications. Good for them.

Today, I had lunch with several engineering buds from the fuel cell startup. Between last night and today, I had a good time catching up with old buds from both workplaces but truth be told, after I got home, I broke down in tears.

I don’t really know how to explain it, but some days I just really feel like a failure. Don’t get me wrong: I am genuinely and sincerely happy for the successes of my friends. More pay, higher titles, opportunities for growth. Yay! I believe firmly in the idea of abundance: there is plenty of success to go around for all of us. But at the same time, sometimes I just feel shitty. You see, I want to be around motivated and energetic people. I want to be around movers and shakers– not bc those people are necessarily better people than others, but bc I feel a commonality and relate better to professional ambition instead of family goals (my fam is too damn dysfunctional).

So at lunch today with my engineering buds… I mean, they are just so damn smart. After all, these are the guys behind the chips and batteries and electronics and wiring in all the technology that makes modern living so fucking amazing: smaller and smaller devices; automotive innovations; medical devices that detect illnesses and deliver treatments to the ill; solar panels that are taking places off grid… We are talking about serious game-changers. And then there’s me. Still treading water, still trying to find my way: still trying to make myself useful and helpful. Still trying to change lives in some/any kind of capacity. Basically, still trying to rub two stones together to create a spark. I just felt so down on myself.

Every week I talk to my dad and there is nothing new to report. He tells me that building a new business takes time and anyway, I “don’t really NEED the money.” I mean I know he’s trying to ease my anxiety and impatience, but reminding me that I’m privileged, living in a luxury provided by other people doesn’t help. It makes me feel like shit. I don’t want to be given the consolation prize for success.

I’ve been pushing myself harder lately too. I was learning so much and I was feeling more confident and more comfortable talking about loan programs and reasons to own and whatever. I had toured enough open houses to add more touches to my hosting style to make the experience better and more informative for visitors. I was consistently updating my real estate blog. I was reaching out to people telling them about the resources I discovered… and nothing. I mean, some thoughtful and supportive replies but more often than not, no response at all. Do other people care about supporting/encouraging the success of people they know?? Probably not.

Meanwhile, I also attended the DTB meetup on Friday night. Had a nice discussion with a table of strong feminist women. Followed up with two people who had just posted to the group (so they are online). No reply. 

On Saturday, I went to the skate park for lesson 3. I’m still clunky as fuck but I’m enjoying learning a new physical (vs. mental) skill. The badasses seem to be skating faster and faster at the park so I’m having to dodge people everywhere. That said, it’s amazing to witness their tricks and mad skillz.

In other news, our contractor started on our master bath expansion last week. So far, he’s been punctual, experienced, thorough, and super tidy. I’m hoping he stays reliable and good. This week after Bubs gets back to town, the plumbers will start moving the water/gas lines to accommodate the new bathroom configuration. I can say that I’m a good project manager, but too bad I’m not earning any money from it.

Incidentally, National Puppy Day also happened some time last week. I scrolled through pictures of Remy and Martin and then started bawling my eyes out again. Yup, when it rains, it pours. I’m going to the hot tub now to calm the fuck down. I really need to get my shit together before the start of a new week.

Today I Marched

With networking events every single night this week, by Friday evening, I was just pooped. I had originally planned to march in San Jose on Saturday, but with the torrential rains and whatever, my resolve was quickly waning.

This morning, I woke up still feeling sluggish and slow to get going. But I went. And I’m so glad I did. I coordinated going with my friend W. Then, during the march, I met up with T and an old crew from my govvie job. It was good to see everyone, and thankfully, it didn’t rain! Most importantly, it felt comforting gathering with so many people in solidarity for women’s rights.

Unfortunately though, by the time we reached the march destination for the speakers, I was distracted. I couldn’t hear the speakers very well, and then W and I got into our own conversation about real estate…

We left the march in the early afternoon and went back to her house. There, we got into a different conversation with her husband about democracy and progress and the future. He was hopeful and encouraging, but he also stressed that today is only the beginning.

Tonight, while catching up on my blog, I realized something I neglected to mention earlier. On Tuesday, when I randomly went into credit unions and banks to meet with their loan agents, one of the people I met was the mother of Audrie Pott. I only pieced together what that truly meant later after I’d gone home to research all my new contacts via LinkedIn. I noticed in her profile, the Audrie Pott Foundation. The name sounded familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. Then, after a quick Google, to my horror, I was reminded of the tragic story.

I have yet to watch the documentary about Audrie’s story, and already, I am overcome with anger and sadness and disbelief. THIS is why I marched today. Women in the US have come a long way, but my god, there is still so much farther to go. When boys and men think it’s ok to disrespect us, to abuse us, to assault us… there is something still so very wrong. Rape culture is fucking real. These boys– childhood friends whom she trusted– they did this to her!! And there was no remorse. No regret. This is fucking bullshit, and we have to ask, how/where are these kids learning this????

This is why it matters when Trump says shit like “go grab the pussy” and when he gropes and assaults women without consequence. Learn about consent, you fucking asshole!

I am so sickened by people who say they voted for Trump. They defend their vote, insisting that they are NOT bigots or sexists or assholes, but that they want lower taxes or they want factories and jobs to stay domestic. The ONE good doesn’t justify all the bad, you know? Jesus Christ! Would you invite your accused pedophile uncle to live in your house with your family just bc he promised to give you free childcare? You can’t be a cafeteria Catholic and pick out the good but ignore the bad! Trump is a goddamn disaster: shrewd businessman or not, he lacks integrity and honesty. And now you’ve given him the most powerful position in the country. I am disgusted.

Like a Delicate Flower

So we got back from Pasadena on Monday, and then I got John’s cold. Yesterday, I was feeling way better, so I attended the broker meeting and house tours (check out this gorgeous Eichler in Sunnyvale!) followed by a meeting with a title agent and then the Ditch the Bitch Stigma meetup group. Today, I am sick again with a stuffy nose and head congestion. Fucking A. As tough as I always like to think myself to be, I am annoyingly delicate. Fucking bullshit.

The meetup group last night was really excellent. The organizer is a coach and speaker, so we had a really intelligent conversation among eight women about feminism, communication styles, and the whole bitch stigma. Basically, anytime a woman voices her opinion and sets boundaries on anything– be it at work or through personal interactions/relationships– she gets called a bitch. I was really pleasantly surprised by the conversation. Bc the facilitator is super well-read on feminism and on privilege, I felt like I was back in my women’s studies class at Duke. That class was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my life, bc it showed me how conservative and self-righteous and closed-minded and sheltered I really was. Yesterday, we talked about power dynamics, societal and cultural expectations, privilege, stereotypes, and “punching up” vs. “punching down”… it was some meaty shit. All and all, I was super pleased until the very end, where I was standing up, packed up, and ready to leave… somehow the conversation turned to the facilitator’s background and specialty: she is a former stripper and dominatrix and as a coach/speaker now, she specializes in sexuality and power and kink. Yup, leave it to me to find the one meetup group where prudish old Vix has to hear about a former dom’s past clients with fetishes in bondage and humiliation… OMFG.

That’s the tricky thing about feminism, right? There are the multiple waves and the newest wave embraces sexuality, sex work, and I mean all that shit STILL makes me uncomfortable bc I am a prude. I always think back to when I used to work for the feminist organization. The older staff were you know, marching about abortion rights and equal pay and such, but the younger feminists did that PLUS they really embraced sexuality and a woman’s choice to engage in sex work. They would run fundraisers on their college campuses selling Pussy Pops (lollipops shaped like vaginas!). Yup. Too much freedom of expression for me!!!

Then last night, one attendee– on hearing about the facilitator’s past work– really got into the conversation and shared that she had attended a sex workshop in SF where she and her spouse were connected to each other by two straps of webbing, with hooks on each end–  one set of hooks pierced into her upper chest and one set into her spouse’s upper chest. Then, both people faced each other and leaned back, held up by the tension of the webbing!?!?!? They say it was some kind of trust exercise. Uh, what??? Yup, I endured that conversation while making cringe faces and then I darted out of there. I mean, had I been a version of my younger naive self, I would have internally and externally flipped the fuck out. But now that I’m a seasoned, more exposed (and composed) adult, the freak out was limited to internal only. I don’t think I’ll ever get to that level of comfort and exploration re: sex, but I am able to stand there and listen… Yup. Holy fuck. I tell ya. I get a LOT of stories from my Meetup adventures!

Decency is Dead

After feeling rather motivated yesterday (having decided on my next career step), today I am totally in the dumps. My brain just keeps trying to explain how someone so consistently egregious in so many ways can rise to become President of the United States of America. There is something so viscerally wrong with this picture, and I am in utter despair that the world is broken beyond repair.

A part of me is looking for someone to blame. I am angry. And when I’m pissed off and upset, I revert to my family’s way of fighting… But in the end, I know that identifying a scapegoat doesn’t solve anything. The damage is done, and put simply, decency is dead. At this point, I am questioning humanity: I am feeling suspicious, defiant, and extremely judgmental. So many people made bad decisions yesterday. Ultimately, you just can’t reason with crazy.

Even so, the diplomatic dance began already, with calls for unity, openmindedness, and collaboration. Well, like the Dixie Chics once said, I’m not ready to make nice. At all.

How did she possibly make that concession speech? For one thing, how did she not crumble and lose her shit in despair and defeat and disappointment? Her strength and resilience and poise is beyond what I can truly comprehend…

Sure, like Obama says, the sun will still rise tomorrow, and we’re all on the same side: Team American. Um, yeah no. And yet, in spite of my defiance and refusal to accept and move forward, there are no other options. Are we to hope that Trump reins in his unpresidential behavior and evolves quickly into someone respectable? Um, don’t people say past performance is a strong indicator of future performance? I’m not stupid. His pattern has been consistent and what, all of the sudden, him moving into the White House is going to turn him into an educated, even-tempered, inclusive non-asshole? Yeah right. People say that at Thanksgiving, we’ll all still gather around the feast with our loved ones who voted for Trump. Um, again. Not ready. I agree: in general, politics shouldn’t ruin your relationships, but shit, in the case of Trump… I simply cannot reconcile this. at. all.

The impact is tremendous. Can we expect the Republican Congress and Republican judicial system to keep his executive branch in check? I am skeptical.

I get that the political landscape has and will continue to ebb and flow through cycles. But shit, this decision feels different. This decision feels like a real death blow. A total Game Over. I don’t know that the pendulum will ever come back or recalibrate to center. We’re in a new world order: decency is dead, and it ain’t ever coming back.