Category Archives: Family

Jumping June

Well, a lot has happened since the end of May. First, mom got her MRI test results back. The scans indicate that her brain “plaques” are not due to a hemorrhage or tumor. It’s not exactly good news: just news that eliminates other possible explanations for her cognitive decline. She is definitely getting worse. I am seeing her decline written all over my dad’s face when he calls via FaceTime. He says she seems happy and fine. But goddamn, he looks tired. He says that when they go out to restaurants and she needs to use the restroom afterwards, he waits for her right outside the women’s bathroom, bc there have been times when she came out and got disoriented in the restaurant. The thought of this is seriously stressing me out, bc that means she really does have to be chaperoned at all times.

I’ve been doing a ton of research recently for dad. He wanted me to contact real estate investors to gather data points for selling his properties as-is. That route turned out to be a total no-go at like 70% of market value. Then, I researched estate planning folks. As usual, I spent all this time checking reviews and BBB and whatever. Dad will just attend some free seminar given by a company that has a regular radio spot and use that company if he likes the seminar. Then I have been researching activities to keep Alzheimer’s people active… My parents actually enrolled in a watercolor class offered through the Frederick Center for Aging. My dad just kept saying they weren’t good (See? Perfectionists. This is class no. 1. Neither has ever taken watercoloring… they aren’t going to be good right out of the gate. Get over it!). I’m glad they are signed up (4 classes, once a week) and are finally getting outside of the house and interacting with people. Frickin’ hermits.

I also had a call with an agent in Rockville. I was actually thinking about her for my parents, my neighbor’s parents (who live in MD), and maybe my MIL… eventually when any one of those parties is ready to move. The agent was a kindred spirit actually. I like her a lot and turns out she has connections to my hometown and her hubby graduated from Stanford. Anyway, we have promised to do lunch when either is in the other’s neck of the woods. Kinda cool. The whole reason I found her was bc last time in MD, we drove by a cute bungalow for sale, and I noticed the KW sign. KW is kinda lesser known back home. I looked up the listing, saw what a fab job she did getting the place ready for sale, and then dug around seeing where she’s done her transactions: Frederick, Rockville, NW DC. Check, check, check. Yeah, sometimes building my network is fun.

What else. My newest Rover client started on June 2. I was really worried Sadie was going to be way overbearing and spazzy, but she’s turning out to be top notch. Yeah, getting up there with my beloved Ramona aka Kidney Bean even!

Workwise, there has been some drama. I really thought I’d escaped all that bullshit office politics when I left govvie and higher ed. Apparently. Not. Long story short, my coach/mentor abruptly changed offices. We were trying to still partner together despite being in different offices, but after a week and after seeing the writing on the wall where the old office clearly was NOT going to support an ongoing partnership, I decided to switch also. It’s fine: the new place is basically the same distance and the office is larger, not to mention run by women leaders whom I really like, and WAY more organized. I feel good about the move, but you know, there’s a lot with meeting all the agents here and just kinda settling in. As a side note, the drama/feuding between the offices is continuing. So juvenile.

My German family is still working with my lender. I hope they can make progress soon so we can start house hunting… we’ll see. Meanwhile, I am still trying to fill my weekends with open houses. Last weekend, my colleague at the old office passed me some options: on Saturday morning, I discovered that I would be co-hosting a Sunnyvale condo with a veteran agent with nearly 30 years of experience! He was a great guy and we talked the whole time, but open house wise, traffic was kind of slow and at the end of the day, I was super wiped. Not just from all the talking but also bc talking to him really highlighted just how far I have to go. He was super savvy too: knew all the tax laws and financial secrets. I think he said he used to be Mayor of Sunnyvale. He was SUPER well-connected: had all kinds of stories of influence and getting shit done. He was similar to my dad too in that he had established multiple income streams… another key to building wealth. 

I was supposed to go to a dance festival in downtown SJ afterwards, but man, open houses make for very long days, esp when I go doorknocking beforehand. Yeah, no real leads that day either. Kinda sucked. But things are warming up again: I just scored an open house for this weekend. I’m also slated for another next weekend. Work, work, work, work, work.

Trip Home

I forgot to update on our short trip home last weekend. What can I say: I still always feel some element of dread when I’m about to see my parents. It’s like a constant reminder of how to live life differently. Not in all ways, but in many ways. 

My father made some progress geting rid of stuff. And actually, his former office manager came to the house on Sunday with her kids and a huge trailer to haul off my old bedroom furniture and some new twin mattresses from the basement. I was glad that they turned out to be serious/actual takers and our stuff is going to be used. But I got so overwhelmed by it all, even just cleaning out my bedroom in prep for them to take the furniture. I mean, there’s like 35 years worth of stuff in that house. Nathalie drove up from NC for the weekend and helped, but she could see that it was too much for me. She reiterated the same things John has said: don’t waste your remaining time fighting and arguing with them about downsizing logistics. After they are gone, you will have full control over how to get shit done. It’s so true, and yet the clutter and stuff just stresses me out. N also commented about how old my parents are getting. It’s been probably seven years since she saw them, and I mean, obviously they are a much frailer version of their former selves.

And my mother is not well. Dad has been wanting to stimulate her brain with Chinese puzzles and games, but she is kinda beyond that now. We tried playing Chinese checkers and she kept playing a turn when it wasn’t her turn. I’ve seen this behavior before with my maternal grandmother and mahjong. Of course, my maternal grandmother is in her 90s. My mom isn’t even 70. Dad had been saying that he’s noticing more cognitive decline, and I was thinking he was just overreacting: mom has always been confused. But John also noticed. 

This trip I really observed how faithful and loyal my father is with my mother. He repeats his answers to her even when she asks the same shit over and over. He still is patient and remains her dedicated companion. He doesn’t show frustration or resentment towards her about it… he just remains true. It makes me wonder about my future. It is so hard for me to be patient and kind to my parents… even knowing what I know about her illness. I have my doubts about my caretaking abilities. And a part of me also worries about my own mental state. If I lose my cognition, what will happen to me? There is some element of fear for the future– both theirs and mine.

I see too the emotional burden this takes on my father. He has a history of taking on burdens and of being the dependable one for everyone. But I worry about his mental state, bc I know caretaking is incredibly taxing. Mom is supposed to get the results of her MRI on May 31. She is taking meds that are supposed to slow the cognitive decline, but the decline is still apparent.

I think the emotional toll on my dad is manifesting in the form of procrastination and paralysis regarding the house and his real estate properties in the area. I can understand the overwhlem and how debilitating it is. So for now, my offer is to suggest California as an option for their US base. Move out of MD, and get something in CA. Yes, it’s expensive and taxes are insane. But Stanford is right down the road, John and I are here, there is a legit Chinese community here, AND Taiwan is a direct flight away. For so many other reasons, CA just makes sense. 

After I got back from Maryland, I made a ton of calls and found a Chinese-speaking neurologist and geriatric specialist in my area. I confirmed that both physicians take Medicare. I got my mother registered as a new patient with PAMF, should she want to get care here. They may come out in July to stay for a week or so, before flying on to Taiwan. I suggested making some medical appointments for that time.

My mother is also speaking exclusively in Chinese at his point– probably bc they don’t really socialize much in MD. Taiwan offers more stimulation for her. My dad can’t be her one-stop shop for everything: socialization, activities, etc. Anyway, all of it is pretty damn depressing. And every visit, I’m still reminded of how distant we are: we just don’t have a close relationship. But I suppose rather than be disappointed and frustrated, I have to focus on what I can do for them. I do know how to get things done, and if that is the only thing I can do for my parents, I’ll be damn good at that.
Meanwhile, my MIL is in a similar boat. She has been going to physical therapy which has given her more stamina. That said, she’s still getting older, like everyone else. With every visit, the changes become more and more apparent. I know I’m like a perpetually stressed-out person, but this period in my life truly feels unlike any other. It’s almost as if all past periods of stress were like fake or trial runs or I dunno, tiny niblets building up. I thought those times were really serious, but I see how that the shit is just now starting to hit the fan. I feel neither ready nor prepared, but I guess that is the theme for life from here on out.

Negotiator

I’ve learned that real estate is one of the only professions where agents are CONSTANTLY being asked to dock their pay. Part of it is that people don’t see or understand the value that Realtors offer. Perhaps they think we just sit around twiddling our thumbs. So a large part of this job is educating people on what it is we do and to argue our value. To me, aside from knowing the market, knowing the contracts and process, knowing the resources out there, having relationships with lenders/other agents/vendors, realtors are also negotiators for their clients.

When I took that negotiation class recently, I realized that Chinese people are really good negotiators, bc as the instructor pointed out: China and Taiwan are negotiating countries where money is scarce and labor/time is abundant, so people will spend time to save pennies. The other big aha from that class: negotiating is different from just getting a discount. With negotiating, you get a discount, but the other party gets something out of it too.

My friends know me as a bargain hunter. I find discounts and coupons and what have you. I oftentimes get things for cheaper, but I realized that my technique is super basic: I just make the ask, and yeah, it has served me well. But only a few times have I truly negotiated.

One of my first times was when I negotiated the salary for a nonprofit job. It was way low, but I knew that the person in the position was leaving very soon. So I asked for higher pay, and I offered to start immediately so as to have training overlap. I also asked for higher salary bc I wasn’t going to need their health benefits so that would save them expenses and administration time. So see, it wasn’t simply asking for a discount just bc.

My dad is the ultimate negotiator. He began handling money from a very young age, helping his farmer parents sell bananas and produce. My father always did the math side of the business: making change, calculating costs/expenses, tallying up all the day’s transactions, etc. so his mental math skills were super sharp. But also, he developed a very keen business acumen, bc my grandparents pooled community money to buy farmland and then thought of ways to generate wealth through leasing plots to other farmers, etc. It’s crazy to think of the skills you learn from your childhood.

When I was growing up, my father negotiated everything. At times, it felt so tedious and uncomfortable, bc American culture just doesn’t negotiate. I remember one time in college, I asked for a price match on a $125 bike rack and the owner got so pissed. He just shooed me away and all I did was ask if he would consider matching the shop down the road ($100). Maybe it was my fault, bc I didn’t point out what was in it for him. I know now, after having door knocked and canvassed, people react in all different ways. You just move on. 

Before we had our family home custom built in the 80s, my father had researched land lots. He found a place with two adjacent lots owned by a single owner, and then he asked if his friend wanted to purchase the lot next door. Since dad was bringing the purchase of two lots at once, he negotiated a discount. Later, he negotiated discounts from all the vendors and contractors: he not only brought them a second customer without any marketing/effort but by having our lots adjacent, the crews could save on travel/staging/equipment rental costs, etc. And this discount amplified many times over, from the architect to the asphalt paving to the lawn mowing crew… See, would you have thought of that? It’s an interesting extension of that idea from his youth where neighbors pooled resources for purchases and then tried to leverage their buying power.

Many years later, my father wanted to renovate the basement to create more bedrooms should his family ever move to the States. He negotiated a discount by offering to be flexible on the project timing. So typically, carpenters/electricians/contractors are less busy in the winter months. My father asked for a discount in exchange for having them work during a lighter season. And this example comes to mind, bc my teacher specifically told a story about how he negotiated cheaper gas at his local station. First, he asked questions about whether the owner had daily gas quotas in order to get better wholesale rates from the suppliers. Yes. Which days were his slow days where he had trouble reaching the goals. Wednesdays, but he was often short like x gallons– an amount far more than a single customer. So what happened? My teacher negotiated a discount by getting all his realtor friends in on it: they would pump their gas on Wednesdays from that station and get a discount. Pretty crazy, right?

I think I’m pretty good at making the ask, but I want to work on negotiating by highlighting what’s in it for them. Of course, I’ve started practicing already.  We have one final step for our bathroom reno where the plumbers have to come back and put in the trim (fixtures). By habit, I made the ask: would you consider a discount given the amount of recent project work we’ve done? Then I realized I hadn’t pointed out what they get out of it. So while he was still considering, I offered to be flexible with their schedule… they can squeeze us in whenever they have an opening and we are also located nearby in MV. He gave me a discount! Not huge but still 15%! 

I’m thinking that I will go back to Comcast and negotiate my rates again. I already do that pretty regularly, arguing that I’m a longtime customer, but I might try the angle of asking how much they pay to market to new users. I’m an existing and I’m happy with their service and in my real estate work, there may be opportunities where I can share my positive experiences with Comcast… haha. We’ll see what happens. 

We’re also contemplating a new roof, and I was thinking to employ the same strategy dad used: see if any neighbors are considering and then we can get a group discount and time it so the contractor can consolidate his mobilization/supply costs.

Incidentally, I am visiting my parents this weekend, so I’m sure dad will put me to work on vendor calls.

Tears from Laughing

I called my mom the other day. I swear to god, my peeps in Taiwan are nearly impossible to contact. Everyone has cell phones but they never answer their goddamn mobiles. And then the home phones never have fucking voice mail. It basically took me two days to finally talk to her. To my surprise, she sounds really good, like super energetic and chipper. She said she was having a blast with my aunt and her new feng shui friend: the other day, they laughed so hard, they were crying. Wow. For a joyless person, that’s pretty damn amazing.

Then she started telling me that my dad is too serious (i.e., he’s a buzzkill). He doesn’t know how to relax. I mean, yes, I have said the very same shit about BOTH my parents. And yet, I couldn’t help but come to his defense. I mean, hello, that’s what happens when people are burdened with a shit ton of responsibilities to take care of things for OTHER people!! Maybe if she and my brother could like handle their own shit, he could actually chill the fuck out! Seriously, I was reminded of John’s favorite scene in A Few Good Men, where Jack Nicholson is on the stand and he talks about people being such ingrates while they enjoy the freedom and protection that HE provides. For reals. Somehow I managed to voice it without annoyance, and my mother agreed that dad handles a lot…

Anyway, I’m thinking now that I may fly to Taiwan for a week after my dad gets his travel dates. I really hate visiting family, but things might be different with mom (and maybe dad) thinking more openly.  Plus, between my grandparents and my mom, mortality feels like a closer reality.

Think Open

Last week, Dad called me late at night sounding extremely unsettled. His sister had taken my mother to the brain doctor in Taiwan, and the scan results showed all kinds of plaque… I don’t remember what the specific medical terminology was, but it basically confirmed Alzheimer’s. The doctor recommended that she start medication immediately.

And then Dad ranted off about a whole series of things:

  • Already, a week in to her stay, my brother is hardly ever home, meaning my mother is home alone for large chunks of time. Johnny has basically gone off the deep end (which happened years ago), so he spends all his free time outside of teaching hanging out with the religious cult. My mother was attending some of the group activities with him– including facilitated meditation and some stretching/exercise classes– but on days when she felt tired, he would simply go without her.
  • According to Dad, J would also get mad at mom when she refused to go. Or, if she didn’t do the meditation while he was gone, he would chide her. But she simply couldn’t remember the full sequence of chants…
  • Normally, it would seem NBD for mom to be home alone. However, given the latest test results, my father is extremely concerned about her safety while unsupervised. You’ve heard all those scary stories about people with Alzheimer’s forgetting about the stove being on or leaving the house and forgetting how to get back home.
  • My father’s family introduced my mom to another lady who lives nearby. She started hanging out a bit with my mom, but she’s rather religious AND in sharing her Feng Shui knowledge, she immediately deemed the Taipei condo to be incorrectly laid out. She claimed the layout was the culprit for all their relationship woes with my brother. The recommended solution? Sell the condo. Yup, she did go there.
  • After the doctor’s appointment, as soon as my aunt took my mom home to Johnny’s place, he told her not to take the meds. He insisted that doctors/western med will be the death of everyone! He told them to trash the meds. Now THIS is where we have a major problem. My father is a doctor, and my brother declares that doctors are scammers. Drug companies are scammers. Meanwhile, my brother is selling deer placenta supplements, and he’s in a religious cult. My dad believes those ventures to be scams. So see? Constant conflict. I mean, how are these two people possibly in the same goddamn family, right? Having done my own research, I think both of Johnny’s organizations are multilevel marketing (MLM) structures. I’m sure he genuinely believes in the effectiveness of those pills. Still, I don’t like the coercive tactics I have personally witnessed, and I won’t ignore the dangerous and deceptive nature of those kinds of organizations that rely so damn heavily on recruits.

Anyway, I tried to calm my dad down by asking questions to get to the core of what’s bugging him. On one hand, he has always been on the protective side of things, but man, he was seriously freaking out. And he kept saying that he was trying to get all his tax paperwork done so he could get back to Taiwan.

I tried my best to break shit down into smaller chunks. Here’s the thing: Taiwanese culture is extremely superstitious and religious. For an itty bitty island in Asia, there are an INSANE number of temples (over 16,000 registered) all over the place. There are more temples per capita than any other country in the world. And those temples are all built from private funds, meaning the Taiwanese drop a huge amount of dough towards religion (Buddhism or Taoism or whatever). Yes, my brother seems more brainwashed than the average person there, but I’m just saying the baseline is still way higher than what we’re used to here in the US.

Second, same goes for Feng Shui. So fine, the lady tells us to sell the house. I mean, the house belongs to mom and dad. It’s still their decision. But I think Dad just doesn’t like my mom being in the presence of “brainwashed” people. Maybe he thinks they will influence her the way they have influenced my brother…

Third, the MOST stressful aspect of this is my brother telling mom NOT to take the prescription meds. In fact, he urged her to double her dose of deer placenta, which he incidentally sells! I know, right? When my aunt asked the doctor, he was skeptical about the deer pills making a difference, but he didn’t believe they would hurt. So for now, mom is taking both.

After getting the rundown, I finally zoomed into the core thing: Dad, we can’t control other people believing in religion or feng shui or deer placenta. We can only control what we ourselves think and how we can take care of mom.

The next day, I called mom for her bday. I was prepared for complete incoherence and craziness, but oddly, she sounded better than I’d heard in a long while. She was more energetic, more lively. And after I asked her about the events she was attending, she sounded fine. She enjoys the group meditation, even if she’s not fully entrenched with the religion. In other words she participates casually but more for the interaction and exercise than for the religious aspect. And she really didn’t seem that bothered by the feng shui lady either. It was like, she was ok with disagreeing with the woman.

Finally, to my surprise, she expressed no frustration about my brother never being around. She said she is def feeling better after taking the supplements for a month, but she’ll add the prescription meds and see what happens. Totally logical!

I asked how her mood was so good, and she said she just stopped caring. Say what??? Yeah, she just doesn’t care anymore. And she doesn’t want to be going back and forth from the US to Asia anymore. She even gave the ok for me to start downsizing their stuff.

We talked a bit about my real estate work. She and my dad have dramatically changed their tune in the last several months. Whereas before, they seemed super obsessed about me attaining professional success, they now tell me to give myself time and to take care of myself.

I told my mom to keep doing her meditation and exercise, bc those activities are good for slowing the mental degradation. And then I started to cry. Mortality changes things. I think back to last November when I swore I hated her. Even a few weeks ago, when she insisted on staying back in Taiwan, I was so annoyed. But since then, the medical tests are more conclusive, and time certainly feels more finite than ever.

She told me not to cry: Life twists and turns, and we must make the best of the hand we are dealt. I was so sad thinking about the path ahead towards an inevitable end, and yet, at the same time, I felt a strange tinge of relief. I am a daughter raised by two people who spent a lifetime obsessing about fixing all that was not good enough or all that was wrong in their lives. Their tenacity is a large part of their success, but it was also a huge part of their failure to attain happiness. At long last, they are letting go. There is a phrase in Chinese that translates to “think open.” It means to let go and open your mind. After seven decades with their thoughts and emotions tied compulsively tight, those knots are finally unraveling. Life changes in an instant.

Kindness of Strangers

My friend K has always said that true friends become apparent in times of sickness. In her example, her nephew got very sick years ago, and she explains that as she shared the news amongst her circles, so many people said absolutely nothing. Like no reply. And that’s when she realized who she needed to cut out of her life.

When she made that statement, I remembered thinking that she was really unforgiving. I mean, who knows what other people are dealing with in their own lives and certainly, there has been a time or two when I didn’t know what to say to horrible news from an acquaintance. Perhaps K was just being too judgy. In my younger years, I was certainly of that same nature: people needed to be accountable for their behavior, goddamnit! And I would judge them without remorse, bc things were very black and white to me back then.

As I got older, I became more flexible, more willing to consider other circumstances, more willing to grant the benefit of the doubt. I took things less personally. It was a conscious change, bc I thought my personality needed it: I was feeling too many negative thoughts from it.

But in the last few years as our family has encountered death on numerous occasions and to varying degrees of abruptness, I can say that I have felt incredibly disappointed and hurt by the lack of response from people I consider friends.

I mean, clearly I have a history of being disappointed with my friends and acquaintances. I’ve probably detailed the various scenarios ad nauseam. In the past, it was little shit though. Work-related crap. An introduction here or there. To me, a very minor request that is NBD. For whatever reason, people didn’t get to it. Or maybe they didn’t feel comfortable and rather than just telling me so, they just ignored my requests.

For example, with two friends who used to work in the mortgage industry, I asked them to consider introducing me to their old contacts, just bc it’s always easier to set up meetings with “linked” people vs. absolute strangers, right? I mean, I’d already gotten a bunch of lender “doughnut drops” under my belt and I wasn’t above doing those random walk-ins, but to boost my likelihood of getting referrals, I thought this secondary approach would be helpful in conjunction. So like I hit up our own lender whom we used when buying the houseboat; I also met with a lender my friend M used; then, I met with the mortgage broker who handled all our refis… those meetings were helpful and insightful! Anyway, I never heard back. And it wasn’t just some canned email I sent them either: I spent time thinking back to when we last left off, what was new with them… what’s new with me. That shit takes time. And mind you, it’s ALWAYS me checking in on them. Me initiating everything and anything. I shared that Marty died before Christmas. NO. REPLY. I followed up a month later in January. Apologies and then again, no material form of help. That kind of behavior is incredibly hurtful and disappointing. Sure, my trainers keep telling us that sales and marketing is about sifting through piles and piles of dirt to find your gold. You have to find your tribe. You’ll meet tons of people, and you won’t click with lots of them. You have to move fast, not dwell on the rejection or the mismatch, and keep searching for your kind of people. Sure, I get the numbers game. I understand that there’s no time to waste in getting upset. And I can even understand the benefit of having a thicker skin when dealing with lack of response or flat out rejection (um, been there, done that years ago in Phase I).

But I suppose the thing that bothers me is that a lot of these people WERE my tribe– people with whom I thought there really was a genuine connection, people who I worked very hard to value and honor and help in whatever way I could. Not bc I knew I would seek business or help from them in the future, but bc I believe in helping my friends, and by extension, helping friends of friends. And honestly, between the death of Cormac, our friend Chuck, Remy, Mo, Martin, and my father-in-law, it breaks my heart to have the saddest of news fall on deaf ears. I cannot tell you how many people not only did not reply within like 48 hours but they NEVER replied. With my typical naivete, I was so incredulous by their zero response that I even dared to follow up: Did you get my email??? Oh yes, sorry for your loss.

Sigh. Who does that? I mean, don’t make me beat it out of you or anything! These encounters are hard to accept, bc it’s not just simple rejection from a stranger. It almost feels like a kind of betrayal. Is it our modern society being desensitized to death? Are people really THAT busy? I’m flabbergasted. In my heart of hearts, I still believe them to be good people who mean no harm, and yet what a cold and insensitive reaction. SMH.

On the plus side, many of my close friends were immediate on hearing the news. They gave us space but also checked in. I will say too that I have been pleasantly surprised by the kindness of strangers. I had to cancel a bunch of meetings, and one lender who recently lost her mother in the fall– also suddenly and abruptly— wrote me the kindest email offering a shoulder to cry on. We had only met one time at an association mixer and she was so gracious. Similarly, Ramona’s parents: the supportive messages and gifts… it helped restore some small faith in humanity. Sigh.

A Mother’s Choice

Last week, my parents were scheduled to return Stateside after spending another month in Asia. Two days before their flight, my father called to let me know that mom had decided to stay behind with my brother. You always hear those stories about how children come between couples… my family certainly has a long history where we were split along personality/philosophical lines. My father and I, despite our rifts, are for the most part, more similar. Likewise, my mother jives better with my brother. In her case, I think a lot rides on him being the first born… but whatever, she thinks there’s some special connection. At first, on hearing the news, I was annoyed and frustrated. I mean, the whole time they’d been overseas, I was eager to have them back in the States so mom could get the mental care she needs. She was supposed to go in for another MRI to assess the rate of progression of her condition. Already, she had stopped taking her western meds in favor of that deer placenta shit my brother is selling… I was fine with a month-long delay on treatment, but that was bc I fully expected her to get on a program come March.

Well, that’s not going to happen. A lot of friends have expressed skepticism about the deer placenta stuff. Yeah, you and me both. That said, I do know people who swear by what I would consider to be similar supplement-type products: Herbalife, Juiceroo, JuicePlus, etc. I personally know people who have taken such things and seen improvement in their physical ailments… So maybe some stuff is legit; still, I want measurements/tests to gauge any changes.

Speaking with mom on the phone, she sounded in good spirits. My father and relatives say she does appear more interactive and happier in Taiwan. J takes her to all sorts of his religious group activities… Remember how I had done all this internet research on meditation and yoga exercises to slow dementia? She used like NONE of it. But J will take her to some group exercise class (run by his cult people) and she’ll go. And then they’ll attend meditation activities together. I mean, on one hand, I get it. Stuff in person is always better than stuff online. And activities are always more compelling with a buddy. Fine. But now, she’s decided to stay back. My father says he’ll fly back to Taiwan to accompany her back in April. Um ok, but meanwhile, we lose another month of mental exams and treatment. I urged dad to have her visit the doctor in Taiwan. He says no one is available to take her. Granted, doctor appointments in Taiwan take ALL FUCKING DAY, as I detailed when I took my grandfather in two years ago. But partly, it takes all damn day only bc my family refuses to get the queue number, go home, and come back, for fear of missing their place in line. Regardless, I told dad to tell Johnny to take her.

Dad: Oh, he’s busy and has work.
Me: Um, it’s ONE fucking day.
Dad: Yeah, but it takes so long.
Me: Um, it’s ONE day. If he has the time to take her to all these religious activities, he has the time to take her to the damn doctor.
Dad: Yeah, but I don’t have confidence in him.
Me: Yeah well, that’s a different issue. You still need to make the ask.

I wonder how her choice impacts the marriage. Then again, my dad has always blamed us kids for all their fighting. Not my problem they have a very antagonistic and finger-pointing way of handling conflict. Not my problem they also have very different stances on parenting. They should have worked that shit out beforehand.

I feel bad for my dad. I mean, basically mom is pulling a Johnny: she just decides not to go home and then someone else is left to handle all the logistics. I mean, nevermind that taxes are due and she’ll need to sign paperwork. Nevermind that they’re supposed to be downsizing and figuring out where to live and what to do with all their shit. Whatever, it’s all just details for other people to figure out. Maybe I’m being overly judgey here, but shit, sure feels selfish and inconsiderate to me!

On the flip side, she’s never had a great relationship with Johnny. Maybe she’s wanting to maximize her time with her son. Ok, that’s fine but understand that your son doesn’t care about anyone but himself and his Buddha “master.” Why would I say such a thing? Bc the last time mom stayed behind for a month, Johnny was hardly ever home. He just went to work and then went to his cult activities. If she didn’t want to go, he just left her at home all day. She did the groceries and laundry and cooking and cleaning. Dad says mom wants to stay behind this time, bc she wants to “help Johnny change.” She wants to help him get his shit in order so he can get married and have a family. Jesus Christ. Here’s the thing. There is a difference between hope and delusion. I have said this a billion times. Women are not stupid. No smart, competent woman in her right mind is going to voluntarily take on a “project,” when the work involves taking care of a 40+ y/o man-child. For real. WTF does he have to offer in a relationship? A prestigious education? A well-to-do family (that’s totally dysfunctional)? An obsession with a religious cult? A backwards relationship where he is a child who gives and offers NOTHING to his parents? Puhleeze. I’m all worked up again thinking about all the things that are wrong with this arrangement…

And yet when I spoke with my mother on the phone, I bit my tongue. I tried to have a normal conversation with her. Nevermind that she didn’t listen to anything I said, and she didn’t even hear any of my questions. I wasn’t even trying to broach anything super serious: I just tried to chit chat, and even then, she couldn’t listen and let me say a damn thing edgewise. It’s so goddamn frustrating. But if I have learned anything from John and his family, it is that I need to control my temper. I need to take things less personally. I need to be patient. And so here we are. I was tasked with contacting the airlines last minute to change her travel plans, and I will be called again later on to handle more of the downsizing, moving, and future travel arrangements. So many shitty choices and decisions and I’ll be the one who has to honor them by getting shit done. Thanks, bro. I can always count on you to fuck things up some more.

Ramona Returns

The other day, Bubbey commented that I’m good at things that drain me. Ain’t that the truth! I mean,  project management for my parents, travel planning, relationship management, doggie care…

Sweet little Ramona went home on Friday afternoon. She was booked to stay with us for 18 days while her family traveled through Japan. In the end, the time together was still too short.

Sure, she has all kinds of problems: skin rashes, eye issues, ear infections, snoring problems, food sensitivities, trembling issues… but she is so damn cute!! Bubbey is right: indeed, I’m damn good at taking care of doggies. There’s just something so rewarding to me to be responsible for them, from tracking the meds, to monitoring the poop/pee, to grooming/feeding etc… Honestly, I feel like we did it for so long for Remy and Martin, and it always gave me such a strong sense of purpose. And there was so much good that came out of all my time and effort.

For example, Ramona was on new ear drop meds and when I took her to the vet, the doctor said her ears looked better than they’d been in many months. Sure, it was probably the new meds but heck, part of that was also the proper and consistent administration of the meds, you know? Man, I gotta say: that pup is one. tough. cookie. For reals. Those Lhasa Apso breeds have lots of health issues. Like the ear canal is L-shaped and super prone to infection. The vet cleaned and flushed her ears and then as part of the preventative maintenance, she and the techs plucked out all the hairs inside her ears. Basically, the doc put on a pair of rubber gloves and just started ripping out the fur inside Ramona’s ears. OMFG, it was like waxing but without the wax and without any numbing agent. Then, a tech supplemented by using scissor-grip tweezers to rip out hairs deeper in the canal, and she accidentally grabbed a nubby of Ramona’s inner ear! Poor baby flipped the fuck out. I was like, “Uh, you accidentally grabbed her ear!” Jesus people, be careful! It was a weird experience the whole thing… it reminded me of how much both people and animals hate going to the hospital. I mean, ultimately, all of the procedures and treatments are done for their own good and well-being, but fuck, there is a ton of pain involved! And Ramona was so incredibly tolerant given what was being done.

As much as I loved having Ramona, I didn’t get the best sleep. She would wake up in the middle of the night… I think she had a bit of that nighttime restlessness that I saw in Marty. In addition, between Bubbey and Kidney Bean, I had snorberts on BOTH sides of the bed. In all honesty, by the time her family came to get her, I was pretty damn exhausted. But that didn’t stop me from crying up a storm. 🙁

Her family was so kind and sweet. When they showed up at the door, they had a big bag chock full of gifts for us: all brought back from their time in Japan. From paper crafts to candies to tea and incense… it was just too much! I’m glad that they appreciated how I took the time during all the chaos to interview/hire/coordinate a substitute sitter. I was very moved by their gratitude. That said, the thing is, once you go through the experience of scrambling last minute seeking care for your senior, high-maintenance dog, you never forget the stress of it. And these transitions are also so difficult for the old doggies, you know? Anyway, I’m relieved that all the pieces fell into place, and now I have another in-home sitter to add to my arsenal. Always gathering my contacts, you know.

After Ramona went home, I was really sad, bc once again, the Houseboat felt empty. She’s also almost 14 y/o. Who knows when, if ever, I’ll see her again. But I suppose the most important thing to remember is that she’s in a wonderful, loving home. No matter what, she’s got a great family.[FAG id=7504]

Leading by Example

In general, I spend a lot of time thinking about how to live my life better. Professionally, I’m still working on reaching milestones and attaining success… In my personal life, I’m pretty happy with how I cultivate and manage relationships with friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. With family, um not. so. much. I definitely have room to grow.

Sure, if you compare me to my man-child brother, which my friends often do, I’m a superstar. But honestly, being back in Maryland this past week following the death of my FIL, I know I am so woefully ill-equipped to be a truly helpful and useful family member. Yes, I can get shit done, but the service withOUT a smile piece is severely lacking and practically a dealbreaker. I know, my family is very different from J’s family so maybe there’s no point in comparing: my family interacts with each other minimally and distantly; we don’t have traditions; we don’t share any religions or rituals; we don’t adopt any collective routines or schedules or cycles. What can I say: we are disconnected and fragmented.

Meanwhile, all these years, I kinda judged J’s parents for being such homebodies: they didn’t travel or explore or socialize with others. They just sat around, complained a lot, chatted, and watched tons of tv. In fact, when my FIL was in rehab last week, an activities coordinator came by to take a survey: what do you like to do? She rattled off all sorts of activities: cards, crafts, music, walking, games, etc. It was almost ridiculous that she even bothered doing the survey with my FIL, but in the end, he said plainly and unapologetically: “Family gatherings. That’s what I like.”

And it dawned on me a day later: FAMILY is their hobby, their past time. And as all his kids and grandkids descended during his final days for this last farewell, it became so abundantly clear: When you spend time– repeated, concentrated, deliberate time– with family, you really learn about one another’s personalities, habits, and preferences. Duh, right? Well, I hadn’t put two and two together until now. Seriously.

For example, when S was assembling the funeral program, she and her eldest sister knew exactly which siblings would speak and which would not. They didn’t even need to ask: they knew, they accepted, and it was NBD for her and the eldest daughter and her family to fill that portion of the program. The funeral service itself was beautifully done. The turnout was larger than expected and included a few pleasant surprises– note to self: what a powerful gesture it is to have your childhood friends show up for your father’s funeral. I talked with one of J’s brother’s friends from elementary school. That dude has never moved out of the ZIP CODE. OMFG, can you imagine???

The service was lovely. It included several readings from the Bible as well as eulogies from the two sons-in-laws, his youngest daughter S, and his eldest daughter E. I was so very moved by the poignant stories and memories. This is what unconditional love looks like.

Seeing how loving J and his siblings are to his parents, I realized that I really have very little understanding of love, compassion, and forgiveness. I used to get so pissed off when my mom would confuse me with my brother. When she said things to me that rubbed me the wrong way, I always remembered her words. When she nitpicked or made disapproving comments about my appearance or personality or behavior or choices, I remembered and I held on to those comments, almost as reasons to chastise and vilify her.

My MIL is definitely declining cognitively, but even before her recent decline, she often confused her kids and messed up the details. And like all parents, whether they acknowledge this or not, she certainly has her favorites. The crazy thing is, no one in J’s family seems to mind or feel resentful for those mistakes or preferences!?!? My entire adult life, I have never forgiven my parents for parenting my brother the way they do. I have never forgotten or forgiven my grandmother and mother for favoring my brother over me. Even as they have endured a lifetime of pain from him, I have only told them that they deserve the pain bc of their poor parenting choices. And even now, though I might still feel correct in that perspective (despite not ever being a parent myself!), I question whether that level of blame and resentment is necessary towards anyone you love. Aren’t we all flawed– albeit some more than others?

By contrast, J’s siblings hear snarky and hurtful comments, and they just let them go. The unsavory comments don’t alter how much they love their mother. They don’t alter how much they care for her and strive to do right by her. So many times in this past week, my MIL made comments that I didn’t like, that seemed short-sighted or inappropriate or testy. Her kids were never ever fazed. Not for a single second. They overlooked all of it. They reacted by rephrasing their statements or by simply turning the subject to something else. Not one iota of irritation ever crossed their lips. Sure, behind closed doors amongst themselves, they were sometimes frustrated, but NEVER towards their mother.

And even as I have this new epiphany, I still can’t find it in me to reconcile my relationship with my brother for my parents. I don’t know why. Is it a loyalty thing? I’m dedicated and faithful so long as you’re on my good side, but once you make a decision (even if those choices are your own to make) to which I disagree, I become intolerant and mean. After all, there must be consequences for your actions…

Obviously, Bubbey has been under tremendous stress, and at times over the past few days, he snapped at me or used a disparaging tone. A few times I let it go, but it took EFFORT for me to let it go. And still a few times, I countered and talked back. There is something inside me that is unyielding and confrontational. Is it bc I was bullied as a child, so it’s hard for me to back off as an adult? Recognizing this flaw in myself makes me worry for those I love. Oftentimes, these stressful moments that elicit harsh tones or snippy words aren’t even about me… How will I possibly rise to the challenging times that lie ahead?

Lessons on Love

My father-in-law passed away this morning. What a crazy and turbulent chain of events over the last two weeks. In January, he had started to fall and faint with increased frequency. Doctors diagnosed him with CMML, a kind of leukemia. The recommendation was to undergo a “mild” form of chemo and then emerge with two years of good quality of life. As the daughter of a doctor, I always entrust medical professionals with our care. J’s father had qualms about chemo given his advanced age (83 y/o) as well as his pre-existing Parkinson’s disease. I thought he was being resistant. The family discussed their concerns with the oncologist, who reassured them of the mildness and tolerance, so they proceeded. Unfortunately, from that point on, my FIL just never really recovered: there were blood transfusions, complications with his Parkinson’s, problems with his liver, this and that. After chemo, he moved to physical therapy and rehab and there the level of care was totally mismatched and inadequate. He developed a fever then pneumonia and the rehab people were like arguing with the fam about giving him Tylenol to control the fever! Understandably, his level of care was way beyond their realm, but still! After two days there, he was moved to hospice down the road from the family home. They gave him morphine and finally, he was comfortable and at peace. He passed away this morning.

The way I am, there is always someone who has to be accountable. I am upset that the primary care physician and the oncologist weren’t on the same page. I’m upset by the apparent disconnect and siloing of his medical records. WTF happened? Sure, on one hand, he was 83. He wasn’t exactly a healthy person: he ate crap, he didn’t exercise, he wasn’t active. Yes, all those things were true. But somewhere along the way over the past two weeks, there wasn’t adequate followup. The oncologist never visited him after chemo. Just yesterday, he even told the family the blood work looked good, and it was my sister-in-law who insisted that death was imminent. I also have so many feelings about my parent-in-laws. Why didn’t they live healthier? Why didn’t they have a better social support system?

And then I realized that none of this thinking and processing helps. He’s gone and however he chose to live his life was his call and his choice. These are the moments when I realize I am still someone who struggles with the basics of acceptance– acceptance for myself and of those I love. Isn’t feminism ultimately about honoring the choices women (and men) make for themselves?

Earlier yesterday, my father called me from Taiwan and he gave me a rundown of properties that are pending sale. In truth, they have been “pending” for at least two years now– commercial property and land transactions take for fucking ever. As a Realtor, I have heard this and know this. He wanted me to handle a different property that’s a residential lease. And another property, a residential rental, is up for lease renewal. He told me he was going to renew the lease, and I. went. ballistic. What have we been talking about, esp all last year with the eldercare of my grandparents and the now tenuous situation with my mom? Are you fucking downsizing or NOT? I was so livid. All he keeps saying is, don’t worry about my business. I will handle it. Well, you’re not going to handle it when your wife gets sick and you are too damn old. The decline happens fast. Jesus fucking Christ. Enough is enough.

After I got off the phone with him, I started doing my thing: why can’t my parents be fucking normal. Why are they retarded and difficult. Why is my brother a useless fucking moron? Argh!!!

Yesterday afternoon, when I spoke with Ellen and she told me the end was definitely near, she said she wished they hadn’t had so many arguments and discussions about cleaning out the family home and getting it prepped for the market. So much time and energy was spent arguing and trying to persuade the parents to let go of their stuff… in the end, the decline happens fast and the kids ultimately make the call anyway. What she said kinda stuck with me. Like her, I’m a planner. I want to know where my parents will live. Where they will obtain care. I want to know those details and plan as much ahead as possible. But maybe Ellen is right: the time together is finite; don’t fill it with frustration and contempt and blame.

John has always been an amazing son. He isn’t very vocal or sentimental, but his actions and his patience and clarity in prioritizing the relationship above all else is something to admire and appreciate. Even as his father declined and I asked all kinds of angry questions about why this happened and who failed us, he knew to focus attention and energy on moving forward, on getting his dad more comfortable. None of that other stuff mattered, bc it couldn’t be changed. This is how life is: shit happens and rather than finding the culprit or scapegoat to explain how something like this came to be, it happened. We are here now. Adapt and figure out the next critical step.

RIP, Dad E. You and your wife raised a big family and instilled in them so much of what is good and right in this world: character, integrity, responsibility, family, and love. Thank you for this enduring legacy.