Category Archives: Family

It’s Not About You

From a super young age, I’ve always been judgey. It’s gotten a shit ton better in my older years, but it’s still there. I think it cultivated early on, bc my parents are hypercritical people. They used to always have comments about shit– you know, boatloads and boatloads of (unsolicited) feedback. I think part of it is being Chinese: To succeed in their school system, you have to be competitive and to be competitive, you have to constantly know where you stand among the others. On top of that, my father is also a very straight arrow and he has a very strong compass calibrated to his own sense of right and wrong. People and their life choices (and the consequences) are then judged against that compass. It’s probably not anything that is unique to my father… everyone does this to some extent but he is just more pronounced about it.

So from childhood, I was very attuned to observing others and comparing/contrasting behaviors, qualities, achievements, etc. And more specifically, I was hyperaware of any inconsistencies or hypocrisies. It’s kinda strange bc now as a weathered adult, I feel like hypocrisy is just part of being human.

I may have mentioned this already but over Christmas, when I was home in Maryland, I met up with T, a friend from the second grade through post college. She’s the one with her parents in failing health and she’s the one left having to figure it out (lame brothers unite!)– like where they can get care and how to fucking pay for everything. It’s a nightmare lesson in poor parental planning, to be honest. Anyway, among all her family drama and burdens, she talked a lot about alignment– having her actions align with her beliefs. And a few years ago, I was all up in that shit. In fact, that’s largely what drove me to leave nearly all of my jobs. I just couldn’t stand the misalignment I felt with management and/or the mission. I had this notion that being true to yourself was of utmost importance.

But now I feel differently about things. I mean, sure, I still have a proclivity for the black and white. I want things simple, cut and dry, spelled out down to the t. BUT I dunno. With all the recent news and just grime that I’ve gathered from life, I really wonder now whether alignment (like fairness) is a realistic expectation. Take, for example, the animals. I know about the horrors of the meat/dairy/food industry at large. Yet, I continue to eat meat, drink milk, consume cheese, buy leather… I know about animal testing. And I still buy Covergirl cosmetics bc that’s the only shit that covers my blemishes without giving me breakouts. My younger self would NEVER have forgiven myself for these selfish and insular choices. But my older self? I dunno. I’m beaten down and tired of fighting. I feel like the best I can do is eat less meat or try to eat “organic” meat (even if I know the labeling system is bogus). Is it bc I am in survival mode? Or has life turned me into a nihilist? Maybe a bit of both?

Beyond my self-judgement, my judgeyness of others has also evolved. I used to notice and be annoyed by all the contradictions in people I knew. Like with my dad: how could he be a non-religious, pro-choice OB/GYN who repeatedly voted Republican? Or, even now, how can educated, “smart” people still support Trump? I suppose what I’m coming to learn now is that life just doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why did we ever have the expectation for it to make sense to begin with?

I mean, did you hear about MLK? Such an impassioned orator and advocate– the leader of a fucking important movement. Well, turns out he was a total sex fiend, philanderer, womanizer. His poor wife. That’s what I mean: People we admire, trust, love, and follow. They make choices that are so non sequitor. What about Elon Musk. Innovative, articulate, intelligent. Why is he always dating women just past pubescence? Ok fine, older than that but STILL in their freaking 20s. I mean, am I supposed to believe that the kindred spirit thing transcends so many decades of age for SO many powerful and successful men? Puhleeze. Look, no matter how precocious, I highly doubt that humans are mentally/emotionally mature and developed in their 20s. Just saying. So where am I going with all this?

I notice the discrepancies. But in general, they no longer faze me. If you were to tell me my mailman were a pedophile, I would not even be surprised. So if reality is just laden with treachery and deceit, maybe I just want a break from the incessant surveillance. I mean, I am exhausted by the constant watching. And ultimately, what’s the frickin’ point?

On a more personal note, the inconsistencies used to bug the hell out of me. For example, I had a friend tell me multiple times that I was like a sister to her. Every time my bday would roll around, she’d forget to acknowledge it. Not a huge deal considering my own parents oftentimes forgot. But she would call weeks later and say, “Oh, I don’t celebrate bdays or holidays so I never keep track.” Ok, that’s fine. Then, her sister had a kid. And all of the sudden, every milestone was remembered, and she even hosted a crazy bday bash for the kid when she turned 5. The lesson? Family is always different than friends. No matter what people claim.

Another example? John and I adopted Bentley in January. I have some good friends who have yet to meet him. I get that he’s not a human. He’s not a newborn baby. But if I, as a child-free person, acknowledge the importance of your child… shouldn’t you demonstrate a similar level of respect for my milestone? I’m not all up in a rage about it. I know that life happens. People get busy. I’m not infallible. But these are things I notice. And they bug me. My younger self would be far less forgiving. My older self feels it, is annoyed by it, but what more can I do? People choose their priorities. Life goes on and disappointment abounds.

Hmm, turns out I might actually be onto something with this “sweeping it under the rug” approach. Apparently, when people are chronically late, you shouldn’t take it personally, bc it’s not about you.

Yup, all happy thoughts today. It’s been one of those days. I spent the afternoon checking in on people (potential leads) and not hearing one darn word back. Jesus Christ. Why don’t people have the decency to reply? It can be as simple as, “Thanks but no thanks.” or “Not interested now, but please check back in two months.” Ugh. Time for a break– taking the pups for a walk.

Culprit

I’m telling you, my father is something else. He calls me this morning at 9 AM. I miss the call bc I’m in the bathroom. When I call him back, he asks, “Have you woken up, yet?” Yes, I am awake. Meanwhile, he is Facetiming me and I’m seeing the inside of his fucking ear canal. Jesus Christ. He’s at his computer and there’s some audio blaring through the speakers, saying that his computer has been compromised and he has to call whatever number to get it fixed right away. Sound familiar?

I mean, no matter how much warning and training, this shit just keeps happening. He already called the number before calling me bc he couldn’t get ahold of me, Thankfully, the number had already been disconnected. So then I have him force a shut down and restart. He was trying to access his online accounts… Then a bunch of questions about whether his computer is infected. I don’t know! I’m not a computer security expert who just has all the latest answers to any tech question whatsoever!!! He restarts and everything appears fine. I run a quick scan. I don’t know if your computer is safe. I have to research this. Meanwhile, I have my new car being delivered in an hour.

He’s all antsy about logging into his stock accounts, bc he had plans for trading today. I mean, I dunno what to tell you. I have to look into it and then you are proceeding at your own risk. Otherwise, go to Best Buy and ask Geek Squad. We hang up and I research further. I’m trying to get a picture of the error so he can show the tech support people. How many times have I told him to take a picture of the error or message or alert using his phone?!?! It’s like he’s a newb every. single. time. After I tinker around for a few minutes, it seems that the error is just a pop-up ad so he is not infected. I call him back to report this, and then he asks if maybe I’m the source of the virus. He says I get so many emails now for my work and since I use remote access to troubleshoot his computer, maybe I gave it to him. Um, are you fucking kidding me? I’m kinda insulted AND pissed. I’m not clicking all over the web on stupid forwarded emails from his alumni list or sketchy natural news sites from my brother or junk financial scam products… I generally know how to keep my computer clean and now you’re thinking I’m the culprit? Puhlease. I was so annoyed. I mean, how many times has he asked me to view some sketchy “health” site promoting a miracle drug that cures everything under the sun? What about having me research his bullshit Suze Orman products or Jim Cramer crap. Meanwhile, his friend has also been turning him on to free Chinese movie sites. Who knows if that shit is legit or not. Ugh.

That’s the thing with the internet. It’s a wonderful tool. People can access so much damn information from it. The opportunity for learning is tremendous. But shit, scammers are getting smarter and smarter. You really do have to be careful and more savvy about identifying and avoiding sketchy sites.

The Finish Line

Yay, my latest transaction got across this finish line this week! What a journey! Overall, I was super happy with how everything rolled out. All parties are satisfied and really, everyone was respectful and professional throughout– I’m so grateful for good people on all sides.

I have to say though, it was pretty hard getting to know my clients. They were super private and tight-lipped. Eventually, I did glean some additional information. To be honest, it’s been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster for me being you know, Chinese-American with immigrant parents, and guiding this family with whom I share similar parallels. Sure, the parent-child relationship is universally a difficult one, but there’s just something about Chinese families that make them unique and obviously, more personal for me. It’s an interesting scenario, bc my experience serves as my advantage and allows me to service this niche well and yet, being in the midst of it all still triggers some stressful memories, you know? Whatever, though. That’s life: it’s complicated.

In the end, the most important thing is that my clients are delighted with the house. And they are. I mean, as happy as they can express. 🙂 I plan to stop by next week with my closing gifts and also my requests for recommendations and referrals. That’s right, I am already targeting my next deal(s). Gotta get ’em in before my 1-year anniversary at this office in June.

What else. Bentley got neutered on Wednesday– yup, the same day as closing. I had spoken with the vet tech weeks in advance about his vet phobia and fear aggression, so we took him in to the clinic wearing his muzzle. He looked like Hannibal Lecter, and as soon as we entered the waiting room, everyone got super tense. We stayed a few minutes longer, while they took him back to make sure they could get the initial sub-cutaneous injection in. They came out a few minutes later and made some comment like, yes, he def has fear aggression and touch sensitivity.

At the end of the day, I went to pick him up, and after asking the front desk some questions, the staff revealed that Bentley escalated big time and got out of his muzzle! No one got injured but it was a close call. OMFG. I’m telling you: this special needs shit is stressful. So now I’ve reached out to a few trainers to get this shit under control. Sure, one solution is to just never have him go to the vet. But that’s neither a practical nor realistic solution. GSDs are super-prone to health problems, so at some point, he’s gotta work through this. I’m trying to see this from a positive perspective: like maybe doggie training can be a new hobby where I can also meet new people, i.e. potential clients? I dunno. The experts say Bentley isn’t a lost cause: after all, he lets me touch him, clip his nails, mess with his mouth, touch his ears…. all of that shows he can trust people. It’ll just take time to build enough trust and to train him to relearn how he responds.

Big Decisions

As many of you know, I’ve been a dog sitter on Rover for the last year and a half. My business has grown pretty well, with a lot of repeat customers. The thing is though, for as much as I love doggies, caring for them doesn’t always equate to a connection or a bond. In other words, I’ve probably had about 20 different clients, but only a few have really jived with us. For most of them, they come and stay for a few days, then they go home and that is that. The engagement is somewhat transactional. And certainly, at different stages of their lives, doggies can be more aloof like Remy and Martin were in their elder years. They aren’t as interactive.

After Christmas, I hosted Buster the beagle and Cody the corgi for about six days. They are repeat clients, but omg, I fell really hard for Buster. After he left, I just sobbed and sobbed. Like uncontrollable wailing. It hurt so badly. And I think this reaction of mine, along with new feelings that have cropped up in the past month really pointed to the idea that we are ready to have a doggie warm our home again.

When I’d come home and Buster and Cody would be so excited and eager to greet me, it made me so happy. When I chased them around the yard, tugging on their toys, it brought so much joy. John made a comment the other day that with all the rejection I face from my new career, more than ever, it’s important for me to feel valued and loved and useful.

So after the new year, I ramped up on the puppy porn. I will say, pet adoption sure has changed since back in the day. Can you believe I got Remy in 1998 through a classified ad in the newspaper? And Martin we got through an adoption event in 2003 at the local PetSmart. His adoption involved filling out a form and writing a check. Then, off he went with us. Flash forward 15 years and before you can even meet the dog, you have to complete a multi-page application, including your history, how you would handle certain training challenges, a home visit (or at least pictures of your home), a phone interview, references, PLUS the meet/greet. I mean, as someone who values thoroughness, I understand. But gosh, it’s just so much more involved than before.

So this past week, I submitted four different applications. Well, Nala, the St. Bernard mix got adopted the day after I applied. Then there was a labbie mix Loki. I never heard back from the org (ALL of them are completely volunteer-run so process isn’t as efficient as it could be), but we went to the adoption fair on Saturday. We met him, but he was a little aggressive/uneasy and looked a lot like Martin. Maybe too alike.

Then I contacted the beagle rescue (Yes, Buster was THAT compelling). Met an old girl Misty, who was very independent. But in the end, we felt she was maybe too old and too near the caretaking period, which John is not quite ready to enter again so soon. I scheduled to see another beagle Max for Sunday evening. Then almost on a whim, I did a search for German Shepherd Dog (GSD) rescues. It’s kinda weird how sometimes life has these common threds… When I was a kid, I always loved German Shepherds. I had breed-specific books on them and I just loved that they were intelligent and loyal working dogs. I’d read that they needed a lot of mental stimulation and consistent training and yet, as a child, none of that fazed me.

When I got Remy, I specifically answered her ad bc she was a shep mix. When I got her though, she was clearly mixed with something little. It was fine, she was still beautiful and I loved her so much. But she wasn’t really a GSD in the traditional sense. And what I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older is that I’m more worrisome and less confident. For example, I as a kid was more confident about taking on a GSD than I am as an adult. I’ve continued to love GSD through the years but my brain somehow convinced myself that they were no longer a realistic choice– they are prone to diseases, anxiety; they are too smart; they require too much energy… all the things that drew me as challenges in my younger years now dissuaded me. Then we saw Bentley, a beautiful white GSD with the sweetest face. And based on his description, he is so unlike the typical breed. No aggression. No anxiety. Very gentle. Gets along with other dogs. And then I read that white shepherds are the recessive trait and their temperament is softer, so they are never used as police dogs. Long story short, we went to meet Bentley yesterday. And I communicated back and forth with his owner. His story is that his owner got him as a puppy but then her job changed and she moved out of state. Her new apartment doesn’t take dogs, so she had him with her mom and grandmother. But her grandmother is getting more frail and is prone to tripping, so now he’s been relegated to the yard. After a year, they realized he needed a new home.

I don’t judge his owners for what has happened. Of course, as dog lovers, we never want to see an animal given up, but hell, this is life. Shit happens. Circumstances change and ultimately, this is their sacrifice– to give up a dog they love so he can have a better life. For some reason, it makes me think of all the difficult decisions we have to make. Like with our aging family losing their strength, cognition, independence… these transitions are awful, sad, and hard. But tough choices have to be made. And there is strength, courage, maturity, and compassion in those choices. Since my trip back East for Christmas, I have been feeling so sad and burdened thinking about aging, frailty, and mortality. Some days, I feel immobilized by the weight of the anticipation of it all. But witnessing the fortitude of my childhood friend T and the resolve of J and his siblings in making difficult decisions for their mother, I see that you still have to move forward. Paralysis doesn’t help anyone.

We adopted Remy and Martin with but a few minutes of consideration. By comparison, this decision to adopt again took much more time and analysis etc. Perhaps we are more cautious now. Perhaps we are more averse to inconvenience or hassle. Perhaps we have become overly concerned with optimization… Ahem, do any of these things sound familiar? We are trying to catch ourselves from morphing into our parents…

Yesterday, I liked Bentley but it’s always hard to form a bond on a first meeting. And honestly, I gave myself a tummy ache worrying about this and that: is he the one? right now or later? what if this or that? Incidentally, I caught a cold yesterday too. I got no sleep the night prior, bc I was worrying about so many things.

But I have decided to channel my younger self. And John points out that this GSD is a common thred: I have always loved the breed and this is my chance to adopt one with “softer” qualities. We have the time, resources, and experience. And we love dogs. They bring us joy. The time is now.

So today, I woke up sicker than yesterday but feeling a new mental clarity. We have been in talks with the owner who now lives in Vegas. We need to work out some logistics regarding his neuter surgery but other than that, it’s just a matter of picking him up and bringing Bentley home.

Ghosted

The weekend before I flew back East for the holidays, I managed to score an open house from an agent whose property I had hosted in the past. The open houses were super busy both days. For one thing, TONS of families came through, and OMFG, people let their fucking kids just run feral!!! Seriously, like three or four families, all with multiple kids ranging from 5-10 y/o, chasing the bejesus outta each other throughout the entire house. Upstairs, I heard shit being knocked over… I mean, FFS, the open house is not a goddamn playground. Please control your kids or leave them in the car.

Anyway, my loan officer and I were swamped the whole time, and there were two properties available side by side, so I was running back and forth to show both homes. I gathered lots of info but bc I am still lame about making the case for appointments, zero appointments.

The last hour of the last day, I met a couple who has been renting in my neighborhood just down the street from the open house. Long story short, they said they weren’t working with an agent and they asked me to rep them. I met them again Monday night after they got off work to tour the house again. Since we our initial meeting, I’d been corresponding via email and text with info I would need. After their second tour of the house, they had to rush off for an evening work call and told me they were getting their financing in order and wanted to proceed. Tuesday, I flew out to MD. As soon as I landed (noon their time), I texted that I had an agent covering me should they wish to see houses the week I was out. I also asked to debrief now that they had taken a night to sleep on it. I followed my text later in the night with a call. Went straight to voicemail. No reply for two days. Late Wednesday they finally replied to my texts and vm saying they went to see another house in my neighborhood, a comparable. Originally, they had told me they liked my house better than that one. So I text, do you want to submit an offer on that house. No reply. And then I was ghosted for a week until I returned to town the day after Christmas.

This is just one illustration of how little respect this job garners. People are fucking rude. If you change your mind or your status changes, no problem, but can you fucking let me know? Especially since I am working on my “vacation” from the the East Coast? Also, how old are you? Can you be a professional adult and at least have the decency to let me know rather than to ghost me?!? Who behaves like this?

After I got back to town, I reached out again. Finally, on Wednesday, they called and said they submitted an offer on the other house through the listing broker. No apology, nothing. I didn’t know how to express my disappointment. And then they had some more questions… this is the story with buyers these days: Use multiple agents to squeeze whatever info they can and then just do whatever the fuck they want without remorse. There was some complicated thing too where they didn’t get into contract with their offer. Then a few days later, they were advised by the seller to resubmit. But they were calling me for more information… I dunno. Clearly, the guy was ambiguous and indirect. And just like that, no deal for me. And these are my neighbors, you know what I mean? Whatever.

As for my trip home, it was frustrating as usual. I got along with parents but their indecision and slowness with downsizing is getting to me. Dad is visibly aged from being a caretaker and sole source of engagement and stimulation for mom. I’m exasperated bc things don’t have to be so freaking difficult since they have resources, and yet they make it this way due to stubbornness, resistance, and introversion, so that makes me resentful…

Incidentally, I met up with a childhood friend from 7th grade. Hadn’t seen her in more than ten years bc she just ghosted everyone. Turns out, she moved back in with her parents about seven years ago to work on writing a book and she discovered that both parents were basically living in squalor, unable to care for themselves. She immediately became their primary caregiver, taking them to medical appointments, researching elder care options, cooking meals, getting them dressed, cleaning, etc. She said she turned into a hermit after getting buried with all these responsibilities. Meanwhile, where’s her brother? He lives out of state and is totally useless. No help at all. Big surprise.

Last year, her dad– who has dementia– had a heart attack. Mom who has Alzheimer’s had a stroke. They got moved to a facility near my parents’ house. All prior to this, there were many opportunities to plan, to sign legal papers that would have made things easier. Nope. Refusal at every. Damn. Stage. Savings go fast for eldercare. Now she has to empty and sell the house. Not to mention, seven years of her life gone.

I feel so much anger for my friend. It didn’t have to be like this. Parents, fucking get your shit together. Make a plan. It’s not right that your kids get burdened with all this bc you are unable to take responsibility and provide guidance on where you want to be, what level/extent of treatment you wish to have, what you want for quality of life. This shit is really hitting a nerve with me, bc even though my parents were great at financial planning and growing wealth and whatever, they are now stuck, unable to commit to one place to live, unable to update their paperwork, unable to specify their medical directives and so on. Time is ticking. And wtf is the plan for when one passes and the other survives? There is zero guidance and it is stressing me out bc as with my friend T, my brother is going to be utterly useless.

So anyway, I haven’t been in the best of spirits lately. My MIL moves soon to an assisted living facility. Again, total denial about her diagnosis, her weakened condition, the level of care she needs, etc. And she is completely adamant about NOT moving from her independent living apartment. J and his siblings have been so stressed about making these decisions, they are sick to their stomachs. Honestly, he and his siblings always amaze me with how well they handle these stressful situations and difficult conversations. But goddamn, it didn’t have to be this difficult.

I know all of us will grow old. We will be faced with the inevitable cruelty of mental decline and physical atrophy and we will surely be stripped of independence and choice sooner than we would want to accept. But as much as the articles insist we will ultimately morph into our parents, I still hold out hope that we will learn the necessary lessons to make our transition less painful for those who love and care for us when that time comes. Please let that be true.

Oh, Brother!

Earlier this week, my brother emailed my dad a very accusatory message, something along the lines of: I told you a million times not to have the grandparents get the flu vaccine. Now grandma got the shot and has a weird cough/respiratory issue that she didn’t have previously. “She behaves in a semi autistic manner with this breathing. It reminds me of autistic kids who keep mumbling to themselves.”

OMFG, this email immediately plunged me into a fit of rage. First of all, for someone who has been totally selfish and self-absorbed for the last 40+ years, who the fuck are you to come in (now that other people have gotten my grandparents to their ripe old ages of 93 and 94 y/o) and comment on how to care for others. Second, shut the hell up with your unsubstantiated, anti-vaxxer autism bulllshit. Third, leave us the fuck alone.

I was so pissed, I couldn’t sleep. So here’s the dilemma. For all intents and purposes, my parents and I do NOT discuss my brother. ever. In the past, I always reacted harshly and critically, so now we just don’t touch that topic. The thing is, even if what I say about him is the honest-fucking truth, they probably don’t want to hear me berating my idiot brother. Maybe it puts them in some weird position of having to pick sides among the kids. I don’t have kids, so I don’t really know. The point is, Dad knows I see the emails and I sometimes read them. He knows I’m irritated as fuck by what I interpret to be uneducated, stupid bullshit. When I brought up these video links and such to Dad a few weeks ago, he was super diplomatic about it— asking if I had read/watched the links. I said I had skimmed a few and then I started to rip into it, basically saying that in all cases, there are exceptions: Sure, there are stories where people got screwed by western med. There are stories where people “cured” themselves of cancer or whatever using eastern meds. Dad agreed with me and said he tried to explain that to Johnny. That was the extent of his commentary. I dunno if Dad was just trying to stay neutral, but he said nothing about deleting or blocking the emails. In other words, he will keep the avenue open to possibly read/watch these links when he feels like it.

From my perspective, I tried to stay open minded initially, but this daily bombardment is too much, and frankly, I don’t trust my brother’s judgement. Also, I am offended by his insistence that western meds are a scam when hello, our father is a retired western meds doctor. That just drives me fucking insane… the disrespect and notion that his WebMD, self-taught bullshit comes anywhere close to someone who went to med school, took board exams (sometimes even before they needed renewal– just to prove his knowledge was sharp and current), and served an entire community with medical expertise for nearly four decades. Seriously, FUCK YOU, asshole for adulterating something noble and good with your conspiracy theories. Ugh, it just makes my blood boil!!

Needless to say, I stayed up drafting an email. I just couldn’t stay silent any longer. Maybe this all bugs me more than it bugs my parents but STILL. Maybe they will listen through one ear and out the other. I just worry that repetition and repeated exposure to these crap claims may eventually sink in and take hold, esp as they get older and start to cognitively decline. So here’s what I drafted:

Dad has me screen his emails, bc he does not check his messages regularly. Please refrain from providing any medical related advice or guidance for our family. You, who are the cause of so much heartbreak, chaos, and pain in our family, have no right to be dictating how we should be living our lives and caring for the people we love.

The whole reason our grandparents have reached their old age is bc of mom and dad’s care and consistent access to western medicine. If you want someone to blame for whatever emotional distress and physical illnesses are in our family, please look at yourself and your lengthy history of bullshit scams.

I’m tired of you trying to thwart and obstruct care for our family. Mom is going to Hopkins on Monday, and I don’t want to hear anything about your deer placenta bogus product. I don’t trust anything that you say or do.

You go thru life falling into all these traps, like a fucking wannabe groupie… taking strangers’ fabricated stories for the truth. You think you’re so discerning and intelligent, yet people just have to turn on the charm and suddenly everything they say is the fucking gospel. Fuck off!

Why don’t you redirect your energies into doing some legit research about MLMs and cults and the irreversible damage that dependent, problematic kids have on their family’s well-being.

Back the fuck up and focus on being a responsible adult rather than a conspiracy theorist man-child. I will do all that is necessary to protect my family from your toxic shams.

Yes, that was the edited and toned down version. So of course, when I consult with Bubs, he advises not to say anything. He thinks my message is ridiculously confrontational and scathing. Yes, sure, whatever. Radical honesty, baby. I don’t really understand his rationale to say nothing though. I think he says taking action will put my parents in a weird position, bc then J will know I’m reading his emails to them, or maybe it’ll come across like my parents are badmouthing him to me…. I really don’t know. But then again, so what? I mean, someone has to call this shit out, bc for how long is this going to continue? This bullying and lack of respect for other people’s decision-making. I know that he used to harass my relatives too. They just listened and ignored him. But why is anyone listening at all? Sure, you can just ignore it, but why should we have to? He should stop spewing this crap that nobody wants to hear.

Ugh. I dunno if this is some cultural meekness or what. It reminds me of when my dad used to always say to me that his comments to me were just “his opinion.” I can just listen and hear it and then make my own decision. I would get so pissed at him though: why do I need to hear your shit over and over again? If you don’t think I’ll accept your comments or advice, then just don’t give it to me! I’m sure there’s some cultural mismatch or whatever with that. You know, another example of how impatient and intolerant I am of views different from my own. The bottom line though, is this. Live your life how you want. If you want to follow a cult leader like a dumbass, go ahead. Just don’t try to get ME to follow your path esp after I’ve heard your spiel and decided for myself. And honestly, I don’t want you mucking around with decisions that are critical to my grandparents and parents’ lives. It’s not your place to comment. Am I being too controlling?

John says he doesn’t see how this message is supposed to change the situation. I was actually going to insert a ton of links to articles about cults and MLMs and psychological impact and whatever. Maybe with the very small hope that it will appeal to his scholarly sense and in the best case, get him out of the cult. The second intention is just to set the boundaries: let him know that I know what he’s doing and it’s NOT ok. And he’s not going to just get away with spewing his propaganda unchecked.

I head home next week and frankly, I don’t even know how to have a conversation about this with my parents. I just get so angry and protective and then well, my words turn highly acerbic. I mean, I stand by how I judge him. I stand by all of my feelings about this but I dunno: will it just make my parents feel more torn knowing their kids are in such conflict? Fuck. I hate family drama. What’s the right way to handle this? The world-class EQ advice is to ignore it and not ruffle the feathers. Everyone knows Johnny is off his rocker. They don’t listen to him, so let other people censor his crap.

John says my parents will never shut Johnny out of their lives. It will NEVER happen. I get that and that’s fine– continue to have contact with him! I just don’t want his ONLY contact to be all his deer placenta, anti-vaxxer propaganda. And like I have claimed and done in the past with other situations, “sometimes bridges are meant to be burned so the bad guys don’t keep chasing us.” Get back in your space, bro, bc you are majorly overstepping.

Side note: Two days after his accusatory email, my brother sends another message apologizing to my dad, saying that my aunt confirmed grandma has had the cough all along— it didn’t occur right after the flu shot. The apology email does represent some glimmer of hope: 1) he can admit when he’s wrong 2) maybe he does still gather additional info… should I still send him the articles on the brainwashing tactics of cults and MLMs???

A Year in the Biz

So I’ve been intending all along to finish the year out strong by keeping up the pressure with building my biz. What that translates to, is that while many other agents have given up on hosting open houses during the winter, I’ve still been hustling for them every weekend that I’m around. Granted, I DID cut back to one day instead of two to accommodate holiday parties and such, but still.

Sadly, at the end of all this effort, the results in December have been extremely disappointing. In other words, shit traffic. For example, in areas where it’s typical to get 15-20 parties through per day, I’m seeing less than ten and of the ten, more than half are looky loos, aka nosy neighbors! Not a horrible thing, but def not hot leads.

It’s been really frustrating and then when I get down about it, I let everything slide… like I become less aggressive asking for visitor contact info and I’m less engaging while they are on site. The ripple effect from a demoralized mental state is real.

Looking forward though, I know what more I need to do. For instance, I def need to start making more calls to people I know: old acquaintances and friends. Talking to 25-30 people/week–mostly the open house folks– about real estate is not enough. That number needs to be closer to 100. And those calls… Of course, I’m aware of the awkwardness, the length of time that’s passed from when we last spoke, etc. But I read something by one of our seasoned top producers recently, and it was helpful to remind me of why these calls are necessary. Staying in contact is how this biz works. If you don’t stay top of mind, people conveniently forget that you’re in real estate and the next thing you know, your best friend is buying a house from someone else. Shiit. I gotta do it.

In related news, this new career is def changing my perspective on a lot of things. I have more respect and empathy now for salespeople, bc holy shit, this commission-only gig is a stressful grind and no matter how you slice it, that daily, constant rejection is hard. I haven’t personally altered my reaction to salespeople too drastically, but I do try now to hear them out a little more. And I just stay pleasant and polite. Not that I ever slammed the door/phone before, but now I just feel more understanding.

As for me in the sales role, I feel like I am constantly having to re-thicken my skin. Immediately after a round of door knocking or open houses, I’ll generally feel more confident talking to strangers but man, if I let up the following week, I recognized the immediate regression, bc those blows start to sting again. That constant desensitization is I think the only way to maintain some resiliency.

I also look at small businesses differently. I think about all the different facets that go into owners and shopkkeepers running a biz. Unlike with all my past salaried jobs, I no longer focus primarily on my job from that sole contributor vantage point. Now I have to think about medical insurance, taxes, marketing, business infrastructure, vendor expenses, the works! I mean, I LOVE having control over all those areas and I like seeing how it all integrates, BUT it’s also a lot of other stuff to think about and research and optimize. And now I am more aware of that for other business owners. They ARE very different than the big corporate multi-nationals. And in positions where I can, I try to support their businesses. Don’t get me wrong: I still love the selection, price, and convenience of those big boxers like Costco and Amazon, but I have also been buying little goodies or crafts or small things that I see that previously, I would have just passed by. There is something about seeing the enthusiasm and fire in their eyes and compensating them for their work and craft. Seriously, I wear some different lenses now as I move through life… it’s not always about getting the absolute best deal. Many times, yes, but not all the time like before.

Needless to say, as my first year comes to an end, I’m trying hardest to keep the mental clutter in check. Of course, outside of work, the holidays aren’t exactly the best time for me emotionally. I always feel overwhelmed ahead of seeing my family and plus, there’s just so much cultural pressure with you know, the gatherings having to be all festive and joyous. Also, I am still trying to figure out how to manage my daily annoyance re: my brother’s idiotic emails. More on that later.

To their credit, my parents really do try to be chill with me now, but like I’ve said before, my mind and body just have this habitual conditioned response. For instance, Dad keeps asking about my business. His intention I think is to comfort me for not having hit the milestones I’d originally set for myself for this first year… he acknowledges that I’m working hard and not seeing the results that I want, and he reiterates that building a biz takes time… I appreciate all of that but then he’ll say, “You’re not going to quit, right????” I think he just means I need to hang tight, BUT my brain just automatically gets pissy, reading that as some judgement he’s making about my past careers and how I’ve left them when I’ve grown frustrated or unhappy. I dunno how to explain this complex set of emotional bullshit other than that it really is hard for me to NOT take every thing my parents say so fucking literally or critically. Ugh, my sensitivity with them is always sky high.

It took some convincing but J advised that I take a break, so we’re in Scottsdale for a couple of days. I was reluctant at first, bc clearly I am very prone to tunnel vision and falling into that cyclone of despair. I don’t like to be bothered or distracted from focusing on my current problems.  But I’m glad I stepped away.

The break def helps me reset a bit. There’s a lot more to be done, but I know rest and fun are still essential. I’ve been reading recently about how work-life balance is a sham. Honestly, I think it’s mostly semantics, but I do understand this concept that focusing on one area will always detract from another… that’s how priorities work. I suppose the answer then is found somewhere along the lines of “Work hard, play hard.” Be focused on work while at work, but also make time for rest and play. And try to respect those boundaries whether they are delineated hour by hour or week by week or month by month. So I’m going to be more deliberate about adopting that mindset in the coming weeks and new year.

Driving Dirty

So the other weekend while driving home from a party, we got pulled over by the cops. Thankfully, J was driving and after answering a slew of questions and showing our registration/ID, we were let off. But the incident reminded me of several things. For one, privilege. As we pulled off the exit with the lights flashing behind us, my heart began pounding and a thought flashed through my head: thank goodness we aren’t black. Seriously, after all the exposure in the news in recent years, I just don’t trust law enforcement like I used to. Sure, they have a very difficult job… a job that I would never ever want no matter the pensions or perks, but still, over and over again, PDs across the country have done horrible things.

The good thing is, Bubbey is white and on top of that, he has some world-class level EQ. Immediately off the bat, the officer was asking where we were driving from, where to, and he had all these leading questions:

Were you at the downtown bars?
No. We came from a friend’s house.

What were you doing there? Where are you headed? Have you been drinking?
REPEATED questions about drinking, even after J gave answers.
So if you were to take a breathalyzer, it would show one drink at dinner three hours ago?
Yes.
Really? Are you sure?
Yes.

The cop said Bubs committed multiple vehicle violations:
1. He changed lanes without a signal,
2. He was speeding above 80 mph,
3. and he was unaware of his surroundings.

First of all, when J merged from the exit ramp onto the freeway, he kinda cut off the guy in the big black SUV but also, the guy didn’t bother to slow down and continued to ride his ass. Then, to get away from this agro dude, J changed lanes and the guy just followed on his ass, so he changed lanes twice and the guy was still on him. Then he just continued for a few miles with this asshole riding his butt. As it turned out, the big SUV was the cop!

So J wasn’t unaware, he was trying to figure out how to distance from this agro driver. But he gave none of those explanations. He just said, he knew he was speeding but thought it was 75 not 80. Also, he thought he had depressed the blinker. And he saw the car behind him but didn’t realize it was a cop.

I mean, I gotta say, had I been in the driver seat, all would have been over. I probably would have mentioned that Mr. Copper was riding my butt, making me nervous and causing me to speed up. Yeah, see: what and how info is communicated is VERY important. Nevermind that I used to be a communications professional. Haha, all bets are off when it comes to dealing with the popos.

When I asked Bubs where he got all that wherewithal, he credited all his gangster movies. It’s all about the mind games and strategies. Shrug. That Godfather shit sure came in handy!

Holiday Rollercoaster

Well, we’re now approaching the thick of the holiday season, so you know what that means: lots of negative feelings and tons of stress. Yup, while most people are getting all excited and cheery about reuniting and celebrating the season with family, my body is having its usual auto response of shutting down.

To be fair, my family has shifted dramatically in recent years, letting go of past obsessions and hostilities, but somehow I am still unable to adapt to these new conditions. And I’ve been feeling a lot of anger again recently. As I mentioned before, my dad has me screen his emails. And every. fucking. day. my brother is emailing dad this bullshit brainwashing content. I’m so damn fed up with it and yet I haven’t brought it up with my parents bc 1) Am I reacting out of habit? 2) Is this just going to make my parents more sensitive to something that perhaps they’ve already let go of? I don’t know, but I seriously cannot talk about my brother without feeling rage bubbling up inside. I mean, for the most part, he and I have been estranged since 2003 and STILL, he drives me crazy!

The other day, I decided to filter dad’s email for all the messages from my brother. I mean in the last year alone, nearly 40 emails about “health” topics. I guess now that he is all transformed by his Buddhist cult and selling his deer placenta, he’s the new authority in healthy living. To give you a flavor of his bullshit, the subject lines read like these:

  • Dad you and mom need to start jogging, to regenerate your brain and bring healthy endorphins into your frozen noncirculating bodies
  • Hey dad read this abt marriage
  • Get a healthy heart through nutrition and exercise not through pills
  • Watch “Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe – Full Documentary (French Subtitles)
  • What is true love?
  • Important, about statins
  • Accepting your spouse’s influence
  • Flu shot kills 100 seniors
  • Watch “I am a doctor and I now know the truth about vaccines #vaxxed #DidYouKnow #Praybig” on YouTube

Sure, some of his links might actually make sense or be helpful, like yes, exercise offers health benefits. Breaking news.

But also, crap like this is in his content: “This is the truth, dad. Sudden infant death syndrome is a euphemism being used for death by vaccination. Please watch this video, it is real people’s testimony not some bullshit study.” Mind you, this from a guy who insists that his fellow cult-member’s levitation story was truthful and legit. And now, he’s on the ‘vaccines cause autism’ bandwagon and tells dad that he needs to sell his Merck stock bc pharms are killing people. His bullshit makes me so mad. I’ll admit. If these messages came from someone else– someone I respected, maybe I would even give it some consideration. But coming from my brother? Go to hell, you fucking man-child idiot. The audacity! Are you seriously giving marriage advice????

What, now you’re a full blown legit medical professional bc you read the “Natural News” wire or you follow Sun Fruit Dan’s Youtube channel? Fuck off. I mean, I know the whole WebMD/Redfin/”I’m an expert in everything now, bc I have access to the internet” phenom is a popular trend now, but at the end of the day, am I going to trust someone who is a member of a cult, who sells supplements in an MLM, and who has a lifetime of ZERO common sense? Nope.

The thing is, I’m sure my parents are more “open” to Johnny’s suggestions than I am. For one thing, they will never admit publicly that their son is weak, easily influenced, and retarded when it comes to decision-making. Also, I suppose if they are trying to maintain some kind of parent-child connection, it’s easier to consider his points instead of just shutting them down. But shit, as his sibling and not his parent, thank goodness I don’t have to play by those stupid rules. His emails are annoying as hell, and I’m sure my dad clicking on that bullshit led to his computer getting infected with that fucking virus. I mean, hello: this is FAKE NEWS at its best. So every time I see this crap, I start thinking up things in my head. Do I just block his email as spam? How about for every email where he’s preaching and telling my parents what they need to do, they reply with a link about religious cults and MLMs preying on uneducated people and antivaxers causing a resurgence in measles and mumps… Or what about replying with links to studies about shitty sons and the heartbreak they cause and how emotional pain kills people?!?! ARGH!

These are the things I think of… and then John says to just let it be. On one hand, if I say something, I’m sure my mother will insist that I’m jealous of my brother and I’m trying to thwart him or discredit him or whatever. If I mark his email as spam in my dad’s email, then I’m making decisions for my parents without consulting them. I dunno. It’s a real dilemma, bc I probably need to bring it up with my dad but I can’t without losing my shit and without skewering my brother. Ugh.

I had my neighbor/friend over for dinner last night. She’s also Chinese American. Let me just say: it is uncanny how many similarities there are with our families. And when I meet other Asian-American daughters with immigrant parents, I see so many troubling patterns. My neighbor says her brother is also lame, unhelpful, and selfish. For real. In all cases, the daughters end up having to handle everything for their parents.

Speaking of handling parental matters, my mother is having incontinence issues again. At first, she insisted (maybe bc of Johnny’s influence) that her incontinence was tied to her taking the western meds. So she stopped taking them. Supposedly, the incontinence stopped. But now it’s back. Hmm, you mean the deer placenta didn’t stop the incontinence?!?!  Duh, so now mom’s struggling with staying dry. I research a bunch of adult underwear– I order a few brands, a few sizes. They show up at my parent’s doorstep two days later. Next thing you know, Johnny will tell her to double her deer placenta dose. Stupid ass.

Here’s the thing about my brother, I don’t really give a fuck what he decides to do for himself. I consider him too far gone anyway. If he wants to take his deer placenta and sit in a fucking oxygen chamber meditating with his Buddhist master, go for it. But don’t act like you know what is best for our parents.

I have an appointment scheduled for mom to see a neurologist at Johns Hopkins next month. I don’t want my brother getting involved with the physician’s diagnoses and treatment recommendations… You know? I mean, there’s no point in me jumping through all these hoops researching doctors, sending forth medical records, following up, etc. if Johnny’s just going to swoop in and tell her to throw it all in the garbage… Literally. He has done that before– told her to chuck all the prescribed meds. He’s a fucking saboteur. Ugh. And sadly, I don’t see how any of this is going to get any easier as we get older.

Back to Home Base

Wow, I cannot believe it has been TEN days already since we got back from Asia. That. trip. SMH. So freaking exhausting. I know, the flight back– at eleven hours flight time– was loads better than the flight there, but shiit, J and I were seriously fucked up by jetlag for AT LEAST a full week afterwards.

I was so bummed after landing bc 1) customs confiscated all six packages of hot pot mix that my cousin gave me. Mind you, these packages were totally commercially, mass-produced products… comparable to like a Lipton dry soup mix. These were not some random mom-pop shop plastic baggie of flavor crystals. It was such a weird exchange too: The customs officer was some Mid-Eastern guy who looked on the back of the package and circled some Chinese characters in the ingredients list. He was like, “Look.” As if I was trying to scam him or sneak something through… Dude, I declared on my sheet that I had food!!!

Also dude. I’m illiterate in Chinese. I dunno what you are pointing out. Supposedly, the characters were “chicken meal/powder”, so just like that, all six packets gone. Annoying, but whatever. Border patrol. Customs. TSA. All you can do is shrug.

2) After we got home, I kept trying to reach out to Sadie’s mom. She was supposed to bring Sadie, the King Charles Cavalier (past Rover client) over later that morning. Finally, at like 30 minutes before our pre-set drop off time, she texted that she’s sick and her trip is cancelled. Boo. No Sadie fix for me.

Just as well though, bc Bubs and I conked for like the rest of the day. Yeah, jetlag is no fricking joke. My dad always talks about it so non-nonchalantly: “I just go to bed at night in my arrival city.” NBD. Yeah, that’s dad for you: Always trying to demonstrate his discipline and self control. Whatever. Our flight arrived before 7am on Wed. I made it to 1pm. That’s the best I can do.

The next few days, I managed to get back into the office and such. But J was a total mess. In his defense, he claims to have read some article stating that jetlag requires one day of recovery for every timezone, so Taiwan is like 16 time zones ahead. Go figure. Yes, it took him DAYS to get out of the jetlag brain fog. I was better, but not by much.

Regardless, I was thrilled to be back home. For one thing, my face had broken out insanely while overseas. Like five monster cysts. Typically, when I am home, I ice those buggers and it reduces the inflammation, but there’s no fucking ice in Taiwan. People just don’t drink beverages iced. So as soon as we got home, we chugged down some iced bevvies. Yes, we are spoiled, wasteful, gluttonous Americans. I also iced down my entire face. Holy crap, my skin was so much better by morning. That said, it could also have been the double whammy with a prescription topical antibiotic. You see, dad saves prescription meds from everything and anything. He travels with a monster packing cube full of drugs. I mean, when you take care of three 90+ y/os and you’re a retired doc, I guess you like to have access to all your supplies. So incidentally, he had a tube of antibiotic cream that Yebbie used two years ago after the hospital removed his stomach tube. In Taiwan, Dad saw the disfiguring cysts on my face and figured this prescription-grade shit might help. He also said something about infections near the nose/eye areas being dangerous… I dunno. I just want those fuckers gone. So anyway, maybe the combo of that with the icing helped my skin calm down.

I mean, don’t get me wrong: Ten days later, I am still dealing with this bullshit BUT it is getting better and at least, my face is not THROBBING like before.

Meanwhile today, I was watching a video from a makeup blogger I follow. She claims to have had acne issues that were really bad and really obstinate after her pregnancy. She finally found something that eliminated her cysts on her chin. So those words are like triggers for me. Being the desperate sucker that I am, I had to watch her video and now I’m going to order her recommended 3-step skin care kit. Sure, everyone and their mother has some cure out there. Why am I trying hers and not the others? I dunno. I just kind of like her… despite her being Mormon and being into fostering/adopting kids. Shrug.

You know me: I don’t identify with any part of that life… still, there is something about her… something grounded about her. She started a makeup line but she is more than a makeup artist. I dunno how to explain it other than to say that she has depth. There is a gravity to her life. And tonight I was just browsing around her site some more, and I came across her post about love and addiction and codependency. Her post is old and from years ago, but it moved me… in some small way, it reminded me of our darker days when J really struggled with his depression. She tried. so. hard. Hers is a sad story, and yet, look at her now: She is strong. She is happy. She is thriving. I can’t help but admire her strength. So now I’m buying her skincare set… well, on Cyper Monday when it’s supposed to go on sale. 🙂 I hope it improves my skin, bc yes, I’m back to that pain in the ass problem again… at 42 y/o.