Category Archives: Family

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

It’s been awhile since J and I traveled to Asia together: I visited the fam two years ago, and J was last there four years ago. Since 2009, I’d actually made a concerted effort to go back every year, but my last trip in 2012 was so damn annoying that I decided to take a break. This time around, I was feeling my usual dread about my upcoming “vacation.” I guess old habits die hard. Then, on the day of our departure, J and I had a talk about living with more positivity. So, we decided to make this trip an experiment and to be mindful about our negativity.

Eleven days later, I’m happy to report that having a better attitude changes many things. Overall, the trip went well. No arguments, no drama. Still exhausting as hell shuttling around from place to place, but the trip was pretty much as optimized as it could be. Taiwan has a great public transportation system, with the high-speed rail running almost the entire length of the island and metro systems in its two largest cities of Taipei and Kaohsiung. Transportation by car though, is a challenge. People drive super slow: the speed limit is only about 60 mph (compared to how J and I zip around way ABOVE the speed limit in Cali). And traffic is pretty bad, so even if distances aren’t far, shit takes forever. I won’t bore you with the play-by-plays, but we pretty much stayed at a different place every night, and each day, we spent at 3-5 hrs. in transit. The good news? My family is doing well. We had a good time hanging out with my parents, seeing their new house in Kaohsiung, visiting my relatives, and stuffing our faces along the way. I got my hair highlighted at a little shop in dad’s hometown. The hair appointments in Asia ALWAYS take double the quoted time. Haha. I was getting antsy sitting in that chair, burning up under the plastic sheet. The color and cut came out fine. Nothing superb, but good enough. Either way, it’s nice to wash my hair and not have the dye still come out like when I color at home. At the end of the week, my fav cousin drove us around to little food stalls and area landmarks. Three of my cousins also recently moved to new homes, so we did a lot of property visits, which I always enjoy. It’s like being on an HGTV show or something. Haha. 🙂 Nah honestly, it was great to see the standards of living going up from generation to generation. One of my cousins has two little boys, both under 3 and her place is so crazy ass immaculate. By the looks of it, I couldn’t even tell that people lived there! No knick knacks whatsoever on the surfaces and lots of cabinets for storage! Even all the kids toys were stuffed away in the kitchen cabinets. I want to get more organized.

My parents are doing ok. I am, however, noticing some things are starting to slip with my dad. He got our arrival date mixed up, so when we arrived in TPE airport, he thought we were due to arrive the next day. There were a few other things too, but I could also see that he’s just juggling too much right now. That shit happens to me also. When I’m managing too much, shit falls through the cracks (e.g. Verizon charges). And J and I were so exhausted shuttling all across the island… I can’t imagine how tiring it is for people in their late 60s and early 70s. My dad seriously needs to slow the fuck down.

Other news: We didn’t really interact much with my brother. Just a few minutes of conversation here and there. He didn’t travel with us at all when we went south, and on our last day in Taipei, he did his own thing. Just as well. This was the first time EVER that my parents said absolutely NOTHING about me giving him advice or trying to reconnect with him. Thank goodness. I think they are finally starting to see: there’s no point in arguing over someone who just doesn’t want to change.

A part of me does feel sad though about the deterioration of that relationship. Yet at the same time, I feel it’s something that just cannot be repaired. And for all parties involved, it’s just most civil to let things be. He tries to converse and engage, but the best I can do is maintain a civility and distance. There’s just too much pain and history. I don’t think he is malicious, but how does a selfish person become more giving and generous? It just doesn’t happen. My mother goes with him to some of the religious activities. I think she gets something out of it, so good for her. Her relationship with my dad is well, like most old married couples, I suppose. They are both just so damn naggy with one another. J joked that this trip really helped him understand some of my proclivities: the constant urgency and hustle from my father; the backseat driving style from my mother; the obsession with discounts (my dad is so thrilled to get half-off train/bus tickets for being a senior)… I try to learn what I can from watching my parents’ relationship. They love each other, but shit, they spend way too much time together. And, as I’ve observed before, I really hate how my mother is unable to do anything on her own… she’s so clearly codependent and over-reliant on my dad. Ah well, a different time, a different place, and different people. But when I see them, I definitely make mental notes and start immediate course corrections to nip that shit in the bud. To my credit, J says my nagging has definitely cut down A LOT. I give props to my therapist from two years ago for that. She really made me see how some of my standards were just arbitrary and yet super damaging to our relationship. Live and learn, baby!

On that happy note, here are pics from Taiwan.[FAG id=7424]

No Complaints

A couple of my friends recently became mothers.They’re a few months in now, and I have to say, despite all the horror stories I heard from other acquaintances about parenthood, my two buds Y and G haven’t complained yet. Rather, they are so thrilled and over-the-moon for their little bundles. Not that the others weren’t happy about becoming parents, but I just distinctly remember my coworkers and acquaintances bemoaning the sleep deprivation and round-the-clock care their little babies demanded. Maybe, as a child-free person, I only heard what I wanted to hear? I dunno, but based on those stories, I was pretty certain both buds were in for a very rude awakening.

When my friend said she was planning a weekend escape to Vegas with the hubby and new baby, I was skeptical. All the logistics: packing, plane travel, dining out, breastfeeding… really?? Thankfully, a week later, I was pleasantly surprised that baby’s first trip was a huge success. Instead of schlepping all the baby equipment, they just rented swings and shit. They ate out, they hung out by the pool, and the baby was fine. No out-of-control incidents. Wow. The disparity between my expectation and her reality got me thinking: are some people just major complainers (myself possibly included)? Do they just drum up drama everywhere they go? Eek.

I dunno, but curiously, both buds are physicians. Is there maybe something about the medical schooling, training, and the profession that focuses them away from the bullshit negativity and strictly towards solving problems and getting shit done? I see a similar trait in my father. Well, more so now than before I guess.

Is the difference attributed to personality and attitude? A month ago, on my trip to Seattle, I was probably talking about my job hunt, and G said something to the effect of, “Yes, but you like a certain bit of stress.” She ended up rephrasing, but I caught her drift. In some bizarre way, it’s almost as if I am driven to some extent by stress. I think her rephrasing was more just that I always have a baseline level of urgency.

That weekend, G was waking up every two hours to feed, her husband was already off of paternity leave and back to working full time… I was there right in the middle of a very busy and transitional time, and yet being in their home, I noticed very little visible frustration. Things still got done, the dog still got walked, and everything was calm. In my mind, I contrasted that to my home where John and I are frequently irritated with work, with people, with vendors, whatever. We sigh a lot and are visibly cranky and tired. Such a stark difference.

I’m nearly always stressed about something. Lately, it’s been about Marty, my dad’s condo, my new job, J’s job/stress, whatever. I often think back to when I was growing up: my dad worked insane hours for his job, which was already an intense profession, and then he still had a gabillion other things going on, plus he was helping his family back home with their debts and money issues. He never lost his shit with his parents or his siblings. He never dreaded or complained about helping them. I’m ALWAYS complaining about the tasks I do for my parents. Shouldn’t I just be happy to help? I’m eager and willing to help my friends, so why am I so begrudging with my parents?

The thing is, everyone has her issues and problems. That said, maybe life really is about how we handle these challenges. I need to divert my negative energy from worry and anger and frustration to more positive things like solving problems, making progress, and getting shit done. J warns that personality probably plays a big role in influencing this baseline urgency, so while I should definitely try to be more positive, I should also understand that I’ll never be as even-keeled as G. So true. Gotta manage those expectations, right?

For this trip, both J and I are actively trying to be more positive and constructive. I know, we’re still on the flight over, so it’s very early, practically premature. Interestingly though, the universe has already rewarded us with a pretty painless commute from Caltrain to Bart to AirTrain to SFO. Also, after we arrived at the terminal, twice we got moved to the front of a new line– cutting down on our wait time with ticketing and security. And then, we didn’t even have to go through the x-ray scanner. Looks like positivity has it privileges! The universe is answering us. Haha.

Week 1

Whew, I wrapped up week one at my new job. Overall impressions? Pretty good, I think. It’s still too early to tell, but there’s potential for a trong fit. The pros? Well, for one thing, I scored my very own office. Fuck yeah, first time ever, so that’s kinda cool. I’m rolling with the big dogs now! I actually spent Saturday printing/framing photos for the office. Second good thing? My boss and team mates are super cool. The boss is a really feisty Indian lady: I think we’re gonna get along really well. I’m also digging the college scene. There’s just something about being at an academic institution. I mean, part of me was a little concerned I might have minor PTSD given how much I stressed in undergrad, but thankfully, nah. I’m fine. I’m not a formal student right now anyhow, so it’s all good. Beyond my immediate team, people appear very warm and welcoming. The team treated me to lunch at the fancy staff and faculty lounge on Tuesday, and then someone in another group took me out on Wednesday, and I went out with a third person on Friday. In general, there isn’t much of a lunching culture (people do their own thing), but I’m trying to just meet some people and you know, get the lowdown in whatever way I can. Hee, hee.

Job-wise, I think there’s going to be a lot of latitude to experiment and to try new strategies. I’m trying to ramp up as quickly as possible, because I’m eager to start contributing. For one thing, the university ain’t no small environmental public agency. That is for sure. I mean, coming in, I knew that the university employed more than ten times the staff of my last employer. Still, I guess I didn’t really grasp the breadth of all that goes into a university. It really is a massive ecosystem, from the administration to staff to alums to undergrad programs to grad schools to student life to athletics to facilities to sustainability, etc. The list goes on. Consequently, their social media network is super distributed, because there’s just no way to scale with one or a handful of people running the show. That’s a huge shift for me: in my previous role, I pretty much managed all web and social media– strategy, content, planning, metrics… Here, I oversee those key areas but at a higher level, plus I’ll manage two student interns. Needless to say, there’s a shit ton to learn. Exciting but a little nerve racking too. Thankfully, my boss has us signed up for a higher ed social media conference. She’s on it. Finally, the commute is a very reasonable 20 minutes. If I want, I can opt for the train, which extends the commute to 45 minutes including walking to/from the train station on both sides. Double the travel time but still an alternative for days I don’t feel like driving my hurky jerky hybrid. What else. I get my own iphone. Interestingly, when I asked one of my coworkers whether she would advise keeping two separate phones (personal and work) or consolidating, she recommended that I wait until the 6-month probation was over. Nice. Haha. I mean, she said she didn’t mean that as a bad thing against me… who knows, maybe I’ll decide that the place isn’t the right fit. Haha, kinda odd but ok.

Now for the bad. Well, pretty minor so far. First, I do get the sense there is some mild drama/politics going on. Not that surprising considering every workplace has its issues. Also, the school seems a bit on the frugal/cheap side when it comes to budgets. For example, I requested a PC computer (instead of the existing mac), and the IT department spec-ed out a bottom of the barrel system. I replied, asking for a faster processor and better screen resolution, because this unit is supposed to last me the next 3+ years… I mean, if you get components that are already outdated today, that ain’t gonna go very far, especially at the speed at which tech evolves. Thankfully, my boss is advocating for me… but damn, we’re talking maybe $500-$700 difference for something that is critical to my daily work and is also amortized over the next several years… You KNOW I’m all about the bargains, but shiiit. Come on! As an additional data point, I even asked the IT department at my previous workplace to see what models they’re currently issuing, and they recommend the 7000 series. The uni wanted to give me the 3000 series. Other than that, no big complaints just yet. The new leadership definitely has some SUPER aggressive fundraising goals (that raises eyebrows), and the institution is working on a number of major projects concurrently, so… it’s an exciting time. But also a potentially insane time. We’ll see.

Other than that, I had a pretty exhausting first week. Not so much because I had to get up early (hours are roughly 8a-5p)… I actually like starting the day off early. For me, the trouble has been insomnia again, because Martin is having issues still. We took him back to the vet on Tuesday, and to the doctor’s surprise, he still has a bladder infection. And his kidney levels are still high, though they are lower than before. So turns out, the first round of antibiotics didn’t completely clear the infection. He’s also still having occasional spooking issues and unexplained trembling. So back we go on antibiotics, and now I have to try a few different meds to troubleshoot the trembling to see if it’s caused by 1) anxiety 2) internal pain 3) or if it’s actually tremors, which is neurological.

Yesterday, we learned that John’s sister put down her dog Bodi. He was a 15-y/o black and tan coon hound. Sure, he had a cushy, long life. Still, no matter how expected and inevitable death is, the loss of a dear, old friend is extremely sad and traumatic. Bodi, Jake, Remy, and Martin were like cousins– all of the same generation. When we adopted our furbabies, John, his sis, and I were just starting off as young professionals. We were all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Now we’re all old and crusty and jaded. Haha. But man, our dogs really grew up alongside us. I keep thinking to myself: Why do I still cry when I think of Remy? Goddamn, heartbreak sure is a beotch. RIP Bodi. Thanks for all the love and cuddles. Now go find your old friend Remy.

bodi

Emotional

It’s been an emotional last week. On Thursday, I met up with two ProMatchers– both in their 50s. They have been plugging away diligently, looking for jobs. When I got home at the end of the day, I started to cry. I thought about all the people I’d met at ProMatch, and I worried for them. What will happen if they can’t find work? Some of them have been unemployed for so damn long, and unlike me, they don’t have the security I have. One man is in his 60s… He and his wife are now moving to Oregon where he has three job prospects (but no formal offer just yet). They don’t know a soul in Oregon. But the wife is fed up with the Bay Area, and the hubby can’t seem to nail down work. Sigh. I thought about all the changes and adjustments they would have to make… he seemed apprehensive about “starting over.” I just felt so overwhelmed for them.

John tried to comfort me: he said that they would all find work. Just like I did. But ageism is real, and not just in Silicon Valley. How will these experienced, wise veterans of the workforce compete with all those young kids, who’ve already clocked in their 10,000 hours of training? This is a fate we will all face sooner or later: the fight to stay relevant, the fight to stay competitive and sharp. I went to bed early that night, feeling deflated.

The next day, one of the ProMatchers emailed me that she got a job offer!! When I’d seen her on Thursday, she had just come out of a second round interview. She said she felt good about it, but she was trying not to get ahead of herself. She seemed like someone with decent self-awareness and perception, so I was hoping her instincts were accurate. Thankfully, they were. And what a relief. She and I had started in the same batch/class last July. She is super excited about this job PLUS it’s super close to home. I was really happy and relieved. That news made Friday feel a lot better.

In the evening, Martin started exhibiting anxiety again. During the day, he looked great– peppy and energetic, so I was thinking that the infections were subsiding. We won’t know for sure until later this week, when I take him back for more blood work. But the anxiety definitely resurfaced at night…. I’m still boggled by what is going on. Sometimes I wonder if he’s playing off my own worries and anxieties, as I’ve been feeling far more tentative than usual about starting my new job. I’m not really sure why. Maybe because of the duration of my sabbatical? I dunno. Then I came to a different realization a few days ago: Monday marks the first time EVER that I will start a new job without Remy. I saw this story on Twitter earlier in the week, and her dog Chubby reminds me a lot of Remy: similar coloring, similar size, similar pointed ears that sometimes fall away from one another. I don’t know why it feels hard to embark on this new adventure without her. It’s not as if I had conversations with Remy. It’s not as if I discussed things with her. Still, I feel an odd combination of emotions these days: nervousness, uncertainty, mourning, grief, excitement, redemption… I’m hoping that once I get this first day and week under my belt, things will be better. I like to consider myself nimble and adaptable. But I suppose, I still have unexpected moments of vulnerability. What a fucking inconvenience!!

On the plus side, I had a very nice celebration last night with close friends. I’m really lucky and blessed to have their support, love, and encouragement. Come what may, I know “I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.” Onward!

Giving Me a Boost!

The night before we flew out of DC, we had dinner with both parental units at Carrabba’s. As I’ve mentioned before, my parents don’t eat a western diet. They’re traditional Chinese that way. So anyway, they’d never been to Carrabba’s before. During our meal, I looked over, and my mother was scarfing down a huge plate of spaghetti bolognese! Holy shit. I was like, “Damn, they must make a crazy tasty spaghetti.” Mom laughed and said she never eats Italian because of my dad, and wow, that pasta was so good! Seriously, the portions there are huge. All. Gone. That’s the weird thing about co-dependence. You sometimes give up so much of what you want to do to accommodate the other person. It’s not that dad specifically made those demands, but over time, mom saw a preference in her partner, and she started adjusting– initially because she wanted for him, but over time, this becomes a pretty slippery slope. My mom-in-law, for example, she used to have all these dreams of traveling. Her husband hates to leave the house. Now, they’re both too old to get around much at all. And with my mom… Jesus, such a simple joy from going out and eating pasta! Just reminds me that it’s important to be giving, but you also have to nourish your own soul to make sure you get what you need for you. That’s right: always be looking out for number 1!

So my interview the day after returning to the Bay Area went well. I still prepped my brains out, but I was less nervous. The director had been at the organization for over two decades!! He just started off the conversation asking if I had questions for him…. oh, do I have questions! Apparently, he liked what I asked, because he commented that in his 25 years, no one had asked him that particular question (What’s your proudest accomplishment or project?). Not unusual to me, but I dunno, he seemed impressed. Then I had a host of others, and he made another remark that he got a good sense for how I thought, based on my questions. Eekkk!! I’ve had people say something similar to me before (L from the airplane), and it always makes me a little self-conscious, even if I think they mean it in a good way. At the end of the conversation, he said I seemed like someone who gets things done. Ding, ding, ding! Music to my ears! Almost automatically, I chimed in that I was ESTJ– THE personality for getting things done. And to my surprise, he knew the Myers-Briggs reference and said he was pretty sure that was his profile also!! Later that evening, he emailed me to confirm. That’s right, ESTJs unite!! I was happy to receive his message. Sadly, I’m still waiting for word on the gig…

Packing it in!

J and I arrived in DC Thursday night. The next morning, I had a second in-person interview with the environmental nonprofit in downtown DC. Due to nerves and my usual insomnia, I had trouble sleeping Thursday evening, and then I was up early again Friday morning. There was some kind of train delay on the metro, but it was waay early. So we had breakfast with the in-laws. Every time I go back to Maryland, I have a tough time adjusting to the pace there. During breakfast, I was internally stressing out wanting to get to the interview site so I could cram some more info and mentally prepare, but I told myself to try and maintain some perspective. There was plenty of time, and really, was breakfast with the in-laws too much to ask? No. Seriously, I needed to calm the fuck down.

And anyway, by the time breakfast was done, the trains were back to running on schedule. So John dropped me off at the metro station, and I arrived at the office building still way early. Of course, every time I have an interview, I go crazy with having to use the bathroom like every 30 minutes! That said, I didn’t want to check in at the receptionist desk just yet, so I went out in search of a public restroom. I ended up going across the street and intersection to the National Postal Museum, one of many public museums in DC with free admission. So yeah, entry is free but you gotta go through security and everything just to get to the restroom! Yes, it’s overkill but hey, I was desperate. Regardless, I got to see the insides of a cool, old building…

The interview itself went ok. The manager appeared in a dress, and she was all tatted up– like above the chest, on the fingers, arms, legs, etc.! I guess I wasn’t THAT surprised considering I had researched her profile beforehand and known she was from LA, if that says anything. Plus, she used to work in the music industry. Anyway, she said she was glad I didn’t wear a suit. Well yeah, I’m from California!!

So all the stuff I had prepped for the interview? She asked nothing related to any of it. No org history; nothing about the technical platforms they were using; nothing about current products and technologies out on the market. She just wanted to hear about my project management experience. By the end of the meeting, it was pretty clear that she was worried that I didn’t have experience drafting formal project work plans and having to document EVERYthing. And I get it: none of my other roles ever really demanded explicit documentation… it sounds like this org relies super heavily on documentation– partly for measuring and gauging results but also for major CYA internally. She said she would feel better if I had a PMP certification… And then on top of that, the largest project I’ve handled is only a small fraction of the size and magnitude this role calls for…. So, I left there kinda questioning whether things would proceed.

After the interview, I headed over to the Verizon Center to meet my parents and a prospective property manager for their condo in DC. The agent seemed responsive and savvy, so I’m hoping this arrangement will work out. I just asked for some references and there are a few things I want to negotiate in the contract. Otherwise, that’s good to go.

After that meeting, my parents and I drove to see my grandparents. They appeared well. Grandma has slowed down quite a bit: she looks rather sleepy and tired, but grandpa is still very sharp, especially for a 90+ year old. We went to a local Chinese restaurant and ordered a few of my fav dishes: Taiwanese rice noodles and Beijing duck. So yummy!!

The drive home took forever due to the holiday traffic, but I received a pleasant surprise email from the nonprofit… I’m invited to a third in-person interview with the IT director on Tuesday, the day after we fly back home. Yay! So, to recap the process, I applied at the end of June, and since then, I’ve done the phone screen, an interview with the CTO, an interview with the line manger, and now I have this upcoming interview with the IT director. I guess that’s a good thing, right?

Overall, the trip back East went well. My dad actually planned some outdoor activities for us, which is different. He was asking me what we like to do, and I said, no museums but outdoor activities in nature. The next day, we went for a short, half-mile hike to Cunningham Falls State Park. It was hot and muggy (not to mention mid-day, because I slept my sorry ass in), but my parents were really good sports about it. Really accommodating, and I appreciated their gesture. After the hike, we re-hydrated on drinks and watermelon and then headed off to Emmitsburg…along the drive, I was reminded of all the churches and religious institutions all over MD. Mount St. Mary’s University plus the National Shrine of Elizabeth Seton… pretty places to visit and sight see, but religion always freaks me out a little.

So now we’re on the plane. Bubs got wifi, so I prepped a few more job apps and caught up on my usual social media sites. I’m really pooped. I hope I’ll still be able to bring my A game for the interview tomorrow.

Punctuating the Week

Friday was a pretty good day. I got up early and did a ton of research and prep for my phone interview (later that afternoon) with a nearby environmental org. After I felt comfortable drafting my responses to anticipated questions, I decided to squeeze in a ProMatch workshop on Agile Scrum methodology. Agile scrum is a management framework for product development– usually software development. I’ve actually heard John and his sister (who’s in retail software development) mention agile a ton, so it was cool to learn the vocabulary and get the basics down. Honestly, I felt rather empowered afterwards. Of course, like a true nerd, I immediately texted John all the new words I learned. I know, I’m such a dork. What can I say, I’m addicted to learning.

In the afternoon, I had my phone interview. It was a 30-minute call that went pretty well.  Beforehand, I started getting really nervous– my fingers went numb, my tummy started gurgling, and I could just feel the anxiety building. I took several deep breaths, did some pushups, and then the phone rang. I was pleased with most of my responses… at the end, the hiring manager kinda alluded to being pretty far along in the recruitment. I dunno how or why these timings keep being so misaligned for me, but reading between the lines, it sounded like maybe they had already extended an offer even, but if that didn’t go through, she said I was definitely near the top, and they would like me to go in for an onsite interview. So I guess that’s good news?!?!

Friday evening, John and I were invited to a Havana Nights-themed bday bash at the local country club. Yup, totally chi chi. I didn’t even know there was a country club nearby! Tucked away in the hills, of course. I spent some time researching what to wear for a Cuban-themed party… my Miami connection advised a short, tight dress, high heels, red lipstick, and a fedora. I tried my best, and I think I pulled it off. Although at the party, I did notice that only the men were wearing fedoras. Ah well.

My friend K was celebrating her 40th bday, and her whole family was there. They were all dancing and having a grand ol’ time. I couldn’t help but contrast that with how my family gets together: every meeting is just talking about serious family issues and life woes. No music, no dancing, no laughing hardly ever. So very different. My friend G has always said that Chinese culture is no fun, especially when compared to Latin culture (She’s spent a lot of time in Central and South America). Yeah, this bday party really highlighted the stark difference. My peeps are lame, man!

IMG_2319

Interestingly, I had my weekly call with my dad this evening. Last weekend when I called, my father was so “woe is I.” Seriously. I called and asked what he was doing. Sigh, sigh, sigh. Then, “I’m a gardener and cleaning man and carpenter and painter…” Apparently, several of his rental properties needed repairs and such. God forbid he hire people to take care of that low-level repair shit. Supposedly, he asked the tenant/realtor if she had a contact for simple repairs. No. So that automatically meant that no such service exists for the entire greater Baltimore area, right? WTF? Then Dad proceeded to say, “I’m a principal who is now a janitor.” Eye roll. Sometimes, my father is so ridiculously dramatic. That night, I emailed him a handyman service I found on Yelp. Jesus f-ing Christ.

The thing is, Dad just wanted to feel sorry for himself. I mean, of course, he can hire someone to do the work. But I think on one hand, he kinda wants to do it himself, because he has that curiosity about how things work. I know, because I’m kinda similar. And for relatively simple tasks, he also feels like he has the time since he’s retired. But Maryland summers are no fucking joke. Hot and humid as hell. So he probably started doing the work and then quickly realized he shouldn’t have. It’s fine. We all make these silly mistakes of biting off more than we can chew. And I understand the dilemma. He is still bored as hell in retirement even though he handles probably 10x the amount of shit most retired folks handle. It’s just that coupled with having no friends and being antisocial and spending all damn day, every damn day with my mother…. well shit, it’s enough to drive anyone fucking crazy. I dunno. It’s a chicken-egg issue, I suppose. I wish he could just find something (besides busy work) to get himself back into the zone. He’s proactive but also beaten down, you know? Tired of life. Unmotivated. Unhappy. I dunno. So many times I look at my parents, and I realize how NOT to live life. They worked so so damn hard for so damn long, and now? It’s just sad. Life isn’t over yet and these circumstances are not irreversible, but where there is no will or motivation, it’s hard to see another way.

Already, I’m having to take over some of his projects and logistics, for example, finding a realtor to get his DC condo rented. The current realtor is not my style, but Dad doesn’t want to break contract, so instead, we’re wasting time waiting for the term to expire. So lame, but whatever. I’m not going to argue for every little step with him. That’s what I mean when I say he’s tired. He just doesn’t have the same fire that he used to have. Needless to say, I’m contacting other realtors now to figure out who will take over next. And I’ll likely have to meet and go to the property when I head home later this month. I swear my father has just juggled so much shit for so long that he’s burned himself out. Frankly, there is just too damn much to handle. For me, it’s a good reminder that money never really comes easy. Even passive income is a constant hustle.

Full of Hatred

Wow, first week of June is over already. Shit, who the hell can keep up???

Well I had a coaching call this week; I submitted for three new jobs; I had another info interview, and then on Wednesday night, I flew out to NC. It’s been so great seeing my buddy N again. I was just in Wilmington, NC last September, and when I left, I really didn’t know when I would see N again, much less be back in NC. Thankfully, we have reunited sooner than later. The big news? N reached her target weight. Holy crap, she is a skinny mini. I mean, even from September, the transformation is huge. I am so proud of her. It really has been a long and arduous journey fighting her way back from rock bottom, and I know that each day is still a struggle. That’s what is so inspiring about her story: this is a constant struggle and an ongoing work in progress. I’m motivated by her courage and diligence.

Just like last time, as soon as I got off the plane, we were back in sync. My first day here went great. We had dinner with her mom and several college buds at a very nice spot by the riverwalk downtown. Then we came home, and she nearly whooped my ass with ping pong. I know, whitey’s suddenly got game!! Shit. Thankfully, I managed to rally by the end of the night and tie up the games at 3-3. I’m gonna have to pull out all the stops for the match game. For reals.

By evening, I was pooped, so I went to bed around 1 a.m. Yup, this good streak was not to last long. Why?

Because at 4 a.m., my mobile phone started buzzing nonstop. WTF? At first, I was really worried that maybe it was some emergency in the middle of the night. Nope, it was just my brother writing me on FB messenger, and by default, that shit is NOT muted on my phone. So every single line of text resulted in a buzz. What was so fucking important? Nothing. Nothing at all: just more of his religious indoctrination bullshit: Come meet my master, and change your life for the better. After an entire paragraph of this nonsense, I let it rip. I started replying in real time: I don’t believe in your newfound cleansing and purity, and I sure as hell am not going to listen to this proselytizing. I mean, seriously, does your master endorse bullying and harassment and blackmail? I won’t go into the details to support my choice of terms, but I’m only telling it like it is: when people say no, they mean no, so back the hell up.

In reply, he asked how any of this was considered bullying. Either you’re playing dumb, or you really are clueless. Why don’t you ask every family member in Taiwan who has attended your intro religious meeting and refused to join how they feel? Do you and your cronies even know what choice means? Do you know the difference between yes, no, and maybe? Stupid fuck. Then he went into an entire tirade calling me self-righteous, and who am I to judge and condemn him. Um, I’m sorry, but do you live in the real world or what? We make decisions every damn day based on people’s actions. I don’t give a goddamn iota whether or not you think I have “the right.” I certainly don’t wait for your sorry ass to tell me what is or is not acceptable. It is my choice to disagree and reject your annoying “suggestions” on how to live my life.

Oh, I had a lot to say, and he asked with such incredulity, “How can you say things like that to me? You are so hateful.” Wow, really? You are going to turn this onto me? After all the past and present pain you put my family through, you’re going to criticize me for calling you on your bullshit?? Boy, you are barking up the wrong tree. I can rattle off example after example of your selfishness, your entitlement, your misogyny, and your manipulation… an entire lifetime full of toxic sludge. No, I am not perfect. I’ve done immature, hurtful, spiteful, and mean things in my life. In many ways, I was a mean girl. But I can live with how I conduct myself and how I live my life.

Don’t mention your scammer of a shifu (master) to me anymore, because I will blow this situation completely out of the water. Go back to your den of denial and lies. You don’t seek the truth at all.

[FAG id=7410]

Comparison Game

I read this line recently: “American parents just want their kids to be happy. Chinese parents just want their kids to be successful.” How true is that. Along similar lines, check out this article, I thought that being miserable was just part of being Chinese American. Ah, how central the “eat bitter” concept is in all Chinese storytelling…

Anyway, I was thinking about parenting this week, because well, my parents called me yesterday from Taiwan. I was handling some more real estate transactions for them, and so dad called to thank me. Then, Mom (shall I just start calling her my nemesis already?) got on the phone. She asked, “So, how much longer are you planning to try out this ‘different lifestyle’?” Yeah, as if I were living in a tree or sitting at home all day eating bon bons and watching soap operas. WTF??? To simplify, maybe I should just tell her I’m now a full-time student, because no matter how many times I explain, she just doesn’t. get. it. So annoying. Can the mother-daughter disconnect possibly grow any wider? Ugh. I can’t even believe that I am now nearly 38 years old, and this shit just keeps happening… I know. I need to pipe the hell down. She really does irk me though.

So anyway, I was thinking the other day about the comparison game, and how deeply ingrained that behavior is in my life. Why is it ingrained? Did my parents shove the concept into my being, or is this just how society works? For example, I was walking Marty at the park yesterday, and the leash got under his legs again. He NEVER readjusts to let the leash back out. I know, a minor thing really, but with Remy (and Helix even), she always stopped and lifted her leg to untangle. I started feeling really frustrated with Martin. Like come on, fix the leash!! Sometimes I would just tug on the leash, but he would ignore my signal, and the leash would just dig into his armpits. Other times, I would stop abruptly and again, he would just continue bumbling along. I distinctly remember thinking, goddamnit Martin, why can’t you be like Remy? And so there it is. Favoritism at its worst. I’m comparing him to a fucking dead dog.

The thing is, I think parents always try to be all PC about loving their kids: “No, I love them equally,” they insist. Really? I call bullshit. At least my parents never tried to throw out that malarky. And yet, I felt bad that I was comparing Martin with Remy. I explained my frustration to John, and in Martin’s defense, he said that’s just who Martin is: he’s easy-going, not particular, just happy-go-lucky. Then I felt like a real ass. I mean, I try to appreciate his good-natured, patient temperament, but he’s just so simple!! So yeah, the comparison habit crops up. A lot. Is it a form of grieving? Is it my perfectionism/lack of gratitude/hypercritical obsession rearing its ugly head?

Should I feel guilty for feeling closer to Remy? I don’t know. But the universe is definitely fucking with me: In the last week, I’ve seen three shiba inus in my neighborhood . Never saw any prior to this.

I miss Remy so much. My emotions are under better control these days, but sigh. She really was such a great dog. I have a birthday coming up, and I’d love to have a party with games and karaoke and all the usual festivities, but things feel really different this year. Yet another milestone that Remy never missed before.

I’m noticing differences too with Martin now. He doesn’t seem to hear as well. He’s starting to shuffle a little funny when he gets up or lies down. I really need him to go the distance right now… maybe he will if I’m more supportive and less critical. Fuck, parenting is hard!!!

Incidentally, I was just thinking of all the activities where I compare things: clothing, recipes, shoe sizes, emails, draft posts, photographs, the eye exam, parking spots, dining table locations, driving position on the highway, produce… am I the only one obsessed with this? One option is ALWAYS better than the other, right?? It’s a constant assessment and evaluation. No wonder I’m feeling exhausted!

This morning I woke up vowing to re-energize. For some reason, I’ve been thinking lately of Annette Benning’s character  in that movie American Beauty. She plays a realtor who goes through a dryspell of not selling any houses. One day, she wakes up and is completely determined to make a sale that day. She spends all day scrubbing the property, re-arranging the furniture, getting the place all ready, showing prospects, etc. and then it’s the end of the day and she has no bids/sales. Fatigued and overwhelmed with disappointment, she collapses into a meltdown. The weird thing is, I sometimes derive some strength and resolve thinking about her determination at the beginning of that day… but then, yeah I have to hope for an alternate ending.

Love Withholder

This is going to sound awful, but every year, Mother’s Day really irks me. I go through all the damn cards at the store, and there’s so much touchy-feely bullshit: you’re my world; you’re my best friend; everything I learned, I learned from you. Ugh. To be honest, that stuff just doesn’t really apply. Sure, my mother tried hard. She did what she thought was best for us, and I dunno whether culture, generation, or personalities are to blame, but we clashed a lot– then and even now, I don’t feel like we have that much in common regarding experiences, wisdom, and judgement. And on top of that, who are these people who are best friends with their mothers?? I really just don’t get it. So fine, I should just chalk it up like, not applicable, you know? Whatever.

Like I said, I appreciated the effort. So anyhow, I called my mother for the holiday, which she happened to be spending with my relatives in Taiwan. My cousins had just been over visiting me and John in April, and I guess they were commenting to my mother about how beautiful our house and garden was, blah, blah. So I would expect a normal person to just pass along that message. My mother? Instead, she says, “They kept saying how great everything looked… I don’t remember your house and garden being that great. Did you change something from what I saw?” Um, no. I mean, you saw our garden after it was professionally landscaped too. “Oh, well you know the young people in Taiwan, they don’t really own much and they don’t have yards, so maybe they were just impressed because you had green space.” Um, ok.

Ok… I mean, sure, there’s a language barrier in that her English is not that great, but still: the comment is pretty rude, right? And she has a history of making comments in a similar manner– like she’s a love withholder or something. For example, she used to ask to see my wrists. I would hold them out, and she would say, “Your wrists and arms are so thick: when I was your age, I could touch my thumb to pinky around my wrists.” Um yeah mom, I can do that too, see?  “Oh well, your arms look a lot thicker and rougher than mine when I was your age.” Then, she’ll ask me how much I weigh. I’ll tell her, and she’s say: “When I was your age, I weighed 105.” Ok mom, are you trying to tell me I’m overweight??

More recently, I was telling her about how I was finally learning to wear clothes with the proper fit, and she replied, “Yeah, when you first got together with John (20 y/o), you didn’t dress very well.” Um gee mom, do you think it was because you were always 1) either buying me size XL clothes (so I was “comfortable”) or 2) trying to hand me down your own clothes that no longer fit you (and you were a 50 y/o at the time)???

I dunno whether she just lacks manners and polish, or if there’s some weird competitive tiger mom thing going on, but she just really gets under my skin when she talks like this… There are other things. I guess I’m just saying, I can’t really relate to people who click really well with their mothers. I never have, and I don’t really see us connecting well in the future. It’s one of those sad realities of life, I suppose. So yeah, thanks for chatting, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.