Category Archives: Family

Retail Therapy

I’ve always had a slightly twisted relationship with money. Being the child of immigrants, with both of my parents supporting their families back home, I really witnessed first-hand an extreme emphasis and focus on money throughout my life. My father in particular, had such a hunger and survivalist drive. Then again, I suppose when you have a brother with a gambling/high risk business/debt problem and a sister contemplating prostitution to pay back family debts, I suppose earning money isn’t just some silly game about buying fancy cars or nice clothes.

My strongest money habits center around being frugal (sales, coupons, negotiations, etc.) and saving. I remember though, that I’ve never wanted to be beholden to money. Like at times, I felt my mother got overly conservative and paranoid about money. She seemed to me rather stingy and unable to let loose and enjoy small things that money could afford her. For example, whenever she and my father went on cruises to far destinations across the world, she never wanted to spend money on excursions or extra tours. It was almost as if she wanted to arrive and then do absolutely nothing that would cost money.

As I near 40, I see hints of both parents in my spending habits. Like my father, I splurge on things I use daily or things that are tied to professional development or health: technology, classes/conferences, a nice elliptical machine for my parents. I also like to spend on travel and experiences. I spend but I also try not to be extravagant or wasteful or overly indulgent. I remember once I got so upset at J, bc he was buying all kinds of items that felt excessive: a nice fancy leather-bound notebook or laptop case or yet another device or yet another fancy, handcrafted stationery item… For me, I think the environmental engineering side stresses about unused, older, replaced items suddenly being rendered obsolete and going into the landfill. But J once explained to me that for him, every new item represents his hope to live life differently, to reignite his curiosity/creativity, to try and feel more inspired or more motivated. If it costs $200 to have him feel joy or energy again, that’s a small price to pay. I mean, on one hand, from a cynic’s perspective, isn’t this the ultimate indoctrination of advertising/marketing? And yet, I felt sorry that in some way my warnings or criticisms came across as attempts to squelch or stem his opportunities for joy. Ugh. He works really hard, and if these purchases don’t force us to sacrifice security or our lifestyle, I need to chill the fuck out. You see, I inherited this kind of unease/irrational austerity from my mother. For the most part, Bubbey buys what he wants when he wants. On the back end, I then “rebalance” the expenses by purging unused items in the house, either posting things on Freecycle or selling shit on Ebay. Bubbey calls my modest earnings from these resales “Bubbey Bucks.” It’s a mild form of regaining control I think. I’m always playing mental games on myself.

So a couple weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch in an almost catatonic state, home alone, pissed about work and flipping through the channels. I came across QVC. I’d never really been a fan of shopping channels, but on occasion, I sometimes got sucked in by the makeup/skincare demos. On this particular night, I just started wondering about the sellers’ personalities. How are they getting people to tune in, you know? I mean, some audiences tune in to watch specific hosts. What a weird but intriguing thing. So the segment for the hour was Dooney & Bourke purses. I didn’t like any of the selections, but I was curious enough to go online and browse the rest of the collection. Long story short, I came across Oryany purses, and their company spokeswoman. She’s this beautiful petite (and pregnant) brunette, and somehow she made all the bags look good. I thought it was interesting too how she and the host played off of each other– they managed to squeeze in all the product descriptions and details plus answer audience calls in the allotted time. This rep had apparently been with the company for 14 years and Oryany even designed a bag named after her! I started thinking: wow, what a fun job it must be to design purses: learning about fabrics, materials, features, accessories. Sigh. I wish I had a fun job.

For the next couple of hours, I researched Oryany bags, watching all the YouTube videos for each model. By the end, I finally whittled things down to two bags. I put them into the shopping cart and then left. I do that sometimes: I put shit into online carts and sometimes I never return. It’s like that Amazon Wish list maybe? I don’t really know the psychology behind it all. A few days later, I told John I was thinking about a new purse, but it was pricier than my usual range. It took another several days before I finally pressed Buy. Sometimes buying things for myself just feels weird: unjustified and ridiculously self-indulgent. The new bag arrived last week. It’s nicely designed with the construction and compartments. I don’t absolutely love the color, but it’s a practical neutral tone. One day soon maybe I will cut off the tags and keep the damn thing. Haha.

A couple days after my purse splurge, J was flipping through the channels and once again, we found ourselves on QVC. Fuck, really? Well, the segment was on the NuWave Pro Plus oven! Of course, I was instantly sucked in to the demos of all the different things you could cook with the NuWave. I was reminded of all the successful meals I had had with that thing. Then the host announced that NuWave was the day’s special value. Fuck man. $90 for the Pro Plus with an extender ring and a bunch of extras! J said we should get it, but the pragmatic side of me reasoned: it’s a redundant appliance; it takes up so much counter space; I need to just learn to make things in the new range! Then Bubbey said: do you remember how much joy the NuWave brought you? You loved that thing! You’ve tried to make all your dishes in the new range, but stuff never comes out as good. I think mostly he was talking about my Beijing duck. He said, it’s only $90. If that helps you get out of your funk and regain your confidence with cooking again, isn’t that money well spent? I thought back to what Bubbey had explained to me long ago. Consumerism is an opportunity to change a life trajectory: it’s a shot at joy. Fine, the marketers win this time.

My NuWave arrived earlier this week. And the very next night, my inaugural dish was the Morton’s tri-tip roast. I had never actually made this dish in the NuWave before (we usually use the oven): I was concerned about fucking it up with tweaked settings, but I took a stab: I cut up potatoes and carrots, placed the roast on top fat side up, and pressed Cook Time –> 55 –> Start. Fuck man, the meat came out perfect. Then I made rice in my pressure cooker. Seriously, between the pressure cooker and NuWave, I am back in business! My bud T came over for dinner, and for the first time in a very long while, I felt accomplished and successful. Finally, I kicked ass at something.

Losing my Shit, Losing my Mind

I’ve been losing a lot of things lately. I mean, sure, since we moved into this house five years ago, I’ve never been able to find my Skagen watch or my tanzanite/white gold 5-year anniversary ring. Yeah, those items are pretty much a lost cause. More recently however, I also “lost” my small fringe American Eagle purse. A few days after Mo died, we were at the neighborhood bar gathering with his friends after spending the day at the mosque and then the burial site. We were at the bar for probably four hours. I didn’t have that much to drink, but the day was extremely emotional and draining. After seeing a bunch of people just emotional and really drunk, I was eager to leave. The next day, as I got ready for work, I could not find my purse. Argh!! I got so frustrated with myself. WTF? Who forgets things and leaves shit hanging around. And then worse, I had to bother J and his sisters with searching for it at the bar and asking around the next day.

To be honest, I have been feeling rather out of sorts lately– just not quite myself. The good news is that a few days later, after I had cancelled the credit cards (Thankfully, I had my ID and other major cards in a different bag), I was at home in my office, where the sofa had been pulled out for his sisters. I tossed open the comforter to fold it, and out popped my purse!! Then I remembered: I had crashed in that room and left my shit there. Thank goodness, bc even though I wasn’t really missing the contents or the cheap-ass purse, I did NOT want to think Mo’s friends or acquaintances walked off with someone else’s crap.

All of this has triggered a new fear for me though: I worry that my mind is starting to go. And I feel like my mother lost a lot of her mental sharpness early too. I don’t know: things are just starting to slide. I don’t feel as witty or as quick/responsive as I used to be. I can’t seem to focus or digest auditory information like I used to. I don’t know. There’s a palpable shift. I know I’m getting older, but really??? Is this happening now? Like a paranoid ass, I started doing Lumosity again. That game annoys the crap out of me, bc I was scoring such goddamn low numbers. But I’m hoping the stats will get better with practice. I don’t know, man. Life is beating me down! Wth happened to resiliency? Ugh.

And more importantly, what happened to Benjamin Button? That zest is gone. I find myself wondering who I am and what I can now offer. Is this what people call the existential crisis? Some days, these thoughts overtake me. Not only from the professional standpoint with doubts about my skills and “presence” but shit. I used to be more confident. Now I wonder how I’ll keep from becoming obsolete in this fast-moving world. Being an outcast or misfit didn’t bother me before when I was in the prime of my 30s. Now somehow I am struggling with where my puzzle piece fits. It’s a strange about-face.

A friend from high school (we’re friends on FB) recently put down her 16 y/o dog. We hadn’t really been in touch since the 1990s, but I emailed her bc Thunder’s death reminded me of Remy. Anyway, my friend replied, and she made a comment that, for those of us who don’t have kids, the loss is maybe even more compounded. And it got me thinking about how, when you don’t have kids, society has all these different standards for you. Like a coworker recently said to me, “Oh you don’t have kids, so you can stay late at the office.” Other people (usually people with kids) sometimes make comments that suggest losing a dog is way less sad than losing a kid. Um, sure it’s different, but in some cases, my dog might even be OLDER than the child. Regardless, is grief measured by blood, by time together, by what? Do we even need to measure it?

The other day, my father was telling me about his friend who wants dad to buy his parcel of agricultural land. My father commented that he doesn’t have any grandchildren so what’s the point of acquiring more land. Again, I say I value radical honesty, and yet, his words irked me. And days after that call, the irritation is still rubbing me. Later, I told him how there was a lot of reshuffling going on at work. He was concerned about the implications on my job stability, so I explained that I wasn’t really worried: I’m a hard worker. Then, he launched into a whole thing about 1) maybe the reshuffling will create opportunities for you to move up (bc whatever I’m doing is never enough) 2) working hard is great but you need to work smart. Is it just me, or is every fricking comment out of his mouth damn preachy?! Ugh. It’s probably just me. After all, I have a very long history of being highly reactive to the parentals. Blame it on my biggest character flaw once again.

In other news, I’m starting four days of vacation tomorrow. I decided to take advantage of my higher ed status to score discounted registration to Dreamforce this week. Unfortunately, I’ll have to suffer through 90 minutes of public transportation each way to/from SF, but I guess it’s ONLY four days. Hopefully, seeing some big Whigs in the philanthropy space will help me break free of my current case of bad attitude. After the conference tomorrow, I’m going to join J and S for dinner. It’s been several days since I saw S. It’ll be good to check in with her again.

What’s Next?

I was thankful to have the long holiday weekend to spend some time re-calibrating. Of course, I’m still a fucking mental mess, but baby steps, right?

We visited with S on Saturday, and then in the evening, J and I went to our first ever pro soccer game. In July, I had won Earthquakes tickets (club level, row 2!!) from a raffle at work. We were so psyched to have this new experience and to check out Avaya Stadium. Unfortunately, we were super drained by the time the game rolled around Saturday night, and even though we tried really hard to get out and distract ourselves, it only partially did the trick. We were kinda underwhelmed: the stadium itself was much smaller than I had expected, and then the game was low scoring (2-1). We surveyed the world’s longest bar at the stadium, but eh. Then again, if we’re honest, we’re viewing the world through some shit-colored lenses these days.

As soon as I returned to the office on Tuesday, there was some serious drama. The head of our department announced his departure… for the very next day. WTF??? I mean sure, an organizational consultant was brought in last July to evaluate our ecosystem and produce a report with recommendations… Most of us suspected big changes were afoot, but still. One day of notice for the department was super abrupt. Consequently, it threw the entire office into a tizzy. Meanwhile, my direct supervisor was out on vacation all week… the news only exacerbated her already neurotic and anxious state.

On Thursday morning, we were introduced to the new interim AVP– none other than the consultant who was brought in to evaluate us!! That part definitely raises red flags for me, but at the same time, she also put together a pretty solid presentation pointing out our current status and weaknesses with a phased plan to move us to a better place. So while I’m skeptical, I’m also curious to see what improvements can be done.

Still, the ongoing problem for me remains multi-fold: 1) I don’t enjoy my current role 2) I don’t know what role I would want next or how I would want to contribute in the existing setting 3) I feel rather unmoved by the content, the institution, and the culture. With a few tweaks, is it possible that my attitude could change? I just don’t know, and certainly the recent life events make me feel more strongly than ever that I don’t want to waste anymore time with my life. I mean, I was already impatient as fuck, and now my tolerance is a gabillion times lower!

My poor friend K. She’s like my onsite therapist. I’m really trying not to be a fucking broken record. Thankfully, the interim AVP got a really good, strong read from her initial interview with K, and I think she has big plans for my bud, which of course, would be awesome. Even if I’m a misfit for this place and sometimes for this world, I always want to see people thrive and flourish. This big shakeup has the potential to offer some really promising opportunities… Do I want to be around to witness all those big changes firsthand? I can’t say. I just feel so burned out and run down.

Meanwhile, J has been talking to various startup CEOs. Looks like October is going to be his back-to-work month. The primary opp he’s negotiating is in SF. I have a lot of qualms about him resuming work at yet another startup and so far away in SF, but J is confident about his choice and decision, so what can I do but acquiesce and hope for the best.

On the family side of things, my parents and grandparents flew out to Taiwan this week. I’m hoping in the next few months that my grandparents will come around and embrace living in Asia. Maybe I’m being selfish, but Jesus Christ, that would seriously be the easiest and most sensible decision for all involved. As for my in-laws, J and S are heading back East at the end of this month to visit. Many decisions still need to be made regarding their home, their vehicles, health care directives, etc.

What else. Oh, Bubs partially tore his calf today. All week his calf had been sensitive and bothering him, then this afternoon, he got up from his desk at home to answer the doorbell and SNAP! He tore his muscle. WTF? I left work early to take him to the doctor. Yup, crutches, ibuprofen, and up to six weeks for recovery. Ugh!!! The RV Fair in Sacramento is thwarted.

Gone in a Flash

Sorry for the long silence. Life took a terrible, tragic turn, and I am still struggling to get back on even footing. Just over a week ago, we had a death in the family. J’s sister S and her beau were in LA for a wedding. After the ceremony and reception, she retired to their hotel room, and he went to buy a pack of smokes. He never returned. He was hit by a car and died at the scene.

The days since have been mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. I’m immeasurably thankful that her oldest sister E flew out for a week. Somehow, E had all the right words and actions. J and I have driven to SF to see S everyday. Her emotions come in waves, but day by day, she appears considerably stronger. Honestly, I am in awe of S’s mental toughness. Despite the tragedy and trauma, she remains free of anger and resentment, and her perspective is unshakable.

As I’ve learned more about M over the past week, from family and friends to work and love, the abruptness of his death is sadly less surprising though still utterly heartbreaking. What can I say: he was one-of-a-kind. He had the physique of a Greek god: towering in strength and invincibility. His heart was warm, gentle, and kind. He loved and was loved. But in this world, love is rarely enough.

I am still figuring out how to share this tragic news with my friends. Some contacted me in the last week for other random matters, and somehow the information was easier to convey as a reply. But it feels strange to initiate contact and then delve right into such awful news. I have been feeling really overwhelmed and exhausted. M and S are extroverts, and I think being surrounded by so many people is helpful for her as she grieves. For me, meeting all these people seems only to compound the shock of the news, and I often want to just lie in bed with my thoughts and emotions. But I know it’s important to be with S. M would’ve wanted everyone everywhere to show up to his party.

I went back to work on Wednesday. I was in a daze going through the motions at a job that already feels trivial and meaningless. Thank fucking goodness for my friend K. I had a few meltdowns at the office and then later at home, and she’s been incredibly insightful helping me to understand the complexity in all of this, also reminding me how best to support S. I’m glad we had the long holiday weekend to process things a bit more. Yesterday, we joined S and a few of her friends on a short hike at Mori Point in Pacifica. I’d never gone there before: it was a beautiful breezy day. We drove past Puerto 27 and Sea Bowl, where just a few weeks prior we had celebrated S’s bday with M and my friend P. God, it seemed only days ago when M told me he was born with four fingers on each hand, and doctors gave him thumbs by taking his big toes. Yes, I fell for it, bc I’m a gullible dumbass. But seriously, how could life and fate take such a sudden, dramatic turn?

Ok, I’m slowing down now. Calling it a night and then back to my job tomorrow. I am trying to find joy again, even though that’s a hard thing for a pessimist/realist like me to do. I know M would want that for us and most importantly for S. Stay safe and take care. Life is so very precious.

mo

Drawing the Line

The last few times I spoke with my parents, our phone conversations ran way long. Like an hour plus. I had decided several weeks ago to stop worrying about my parents-grandparents’ situation, and after hearing that my grandparents agreed to sell their Maryland townhouse and move back to Taiwan, I was starting to feel more settled. Then two weeks ago, their house– which had finished an entire renovation– was supposed to hit the market. I searched for it on Zillow. Nothing. A few days later, I called my father to get the scoop, and holy shit, my grandparents had completely backtracked. And my mother, of all fucking people– was back in their corner supporting this fantastical idea that my grandparents would move back into their townhouse and live independently again. I fucking flipped out. I mean, my father has done EVERYTHING from clearing out their junk to going through the papers to coordinating with the realtor and contractors to fixing up the patio and the backyard… Homeboy is 70 y/o and not in great physical shape. I was livid, bc this is absolutely the WRONG decision. Apparently my grandparents came up with a gabillion excuses to NOT list the house (listing price was too low, construction costs were too high, etc.). Meanwhile, their neighbor friend (who drove grandpa to the hospital after his fall) is planting all kinds of seeds, pushing them to stay. So I talked with mom about this fantasy scenario. Look, Dad is moving back to Taiwan permanently in the next year or two. If the grandparents want to stay in Maryland, mom will have to stay with them BUT she is pretty weak and fragile herself, and she cannot drive. Not to mention that she is overall pretty damn helpless and unresourceful. Just telling it straight. So how will they buy groceries, drive to/from the doctor, pick up meds; who’s going to help them shower and go up and down the stairs… No thought whatsoever has gone into this. Why are they even fighting this? My grandparents speak the language in Taiwan. Labor is cheap. There is affordable housing, meds, and services. No brainer. I told my father that he has done everything, and if they are going to forge yet another path, they are on their own. Fuck it. Go do your pipe dream on your own!

Except that my father has a very different value system and cultural identity than I do. My suggestion? Let them try to figure it all out on their own. They’ll quickly realize they don’t have the capacity, and then they will have no choice but to move to Taiwan. I know, sounds harsh, but you know what? Tough shit. YOUR way does not work. Needless to say, dad’s not keen on my tough love approach. Rather, he will honor their decision and do whatever is in his power to help them execute Plan B.

Can you see now how much my family fucking enables bullshit behavior?? Yes, my brother totally comes to mind. Lame. My mother tries to explain that there are other fears at play: her parents are from China. I’s weird to live in Taiwan. Um yeah, except that they probably spent more years in Taiwan than in China. Yes, change is hard, but it’s not impossible. I admit, I have trouble feeling compassion and empathy here, bc if your choices didn’t impact other people, fine. Do as you please. But if you start drastically mucking up other people’s lives, there’s a problem. I feel like my father has done a lot for my maternal grandparents, but hello, his own father is still alive, and he wants to go back to spend what little time is left with his father in his home country. I’m pretty pissed that my mother and her parents are very much thwarting that process. It feels pretty damn selfish and inconsiderate, and clearly, I have a lot of anger about it.

My father told me that he won’t handle things the way I suggest. He understands that I’m upset: he’s certainly frustrated and disappointed, but this is not my problem to handle. Still, I’m supremely annoyed with my mother, bc once again, this is another example of how useless and unhelpful she can be. She doesn’t solve problems: she only creates them. I get that she wants to honor the wishes of her parents. But look, the three of them can’t get shit done, so unless they figure out how to help themselves, don’t be making impossible, unreasonable demands on other people. Fucking A. Yes, I’m falling now into my family’s MO of playing the blame game. What can I say, accountability is real. At some point, the decisionmaking just has to be handed over. Just like parents made all the decisions for the children; the adult children have to make the decisions for the elderly. It just is what it is.

I wonder if my parents witnessing my impatience and frustration makes them fearful of old age. I’m sure my reactions to the current situation give them a pretty raw glimpse of what’s in store when I am they and they are my grandparents. It ain’t gonna be pretty, bc I’m intending to grab the bull by the horns.  They raised me to be a thinker and doer. I am not afraid to make the tough calls.

Life Choices

I’ve been thinking a TON lately about choices. Last week, I lamented to my friend G about how throughout my life, I’ve been so adamant and insistent about “choosing my own path” and about doing things my way (rather than the way my parents wanted): from not studying biology/premed to not becoming a doctor to changing careers to not having kids… I made all these decisions with confidence, declaring that “I know myself best.” Yet decades later, am I any happier than say, Mr. Joe Schmoe who followed a straightforward path, didn’t overthink or ask questions, took a job/career (maybe a mindnumbing one), and just stayed locked in? I guess I’ve been feeling sorry for myself: after all this constant hustle, making atypical choices regarding my career and beyond, in the end, I’m still dissatisfied with life. WTF?!?

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not regretting the kid thing, but shit, if I’m going to be an eternal malcontent, why even bother putting so much thought into everything? In some way, I acknowledge that my parents are paying a price for my choices. I’m well aware that my decision to be child-free has contributed to their unhappiness. So on top of having that on my conscience, I can’t even say that I’m living a happy, fulfilled life. I dunno. Maybe I’m just feeling fatigued, and life is beating me down. The good news? I still have some perspective. I know I live a blessed life, and no matter what, I have a lot to be thankful for. 

John and I are celebrating 19 years together. Not to sound all Nicholas Sparks or whatever, but hands down, he’s THE best decision of my life– worth every bit of the defiance and fam drama and even our own ups and downs. That said, fuck man, I made my best call when I was 20 years old???? I sure as hell hope there are plenty more “best decisions” coming outta me in my elderly years.

WTF is Going On?

Holy shit, am I the only one who believes the world is coming to an end? Jesus f-ing Christ. Between the gabillionth bizarro, sketchy cop brutality incident, Cecil the lion, Donald Trump asinine shit, human trafficking, sexual assault and murder of girls by boys (NOT adults), the Planned Parenthood/abortion debacle, it’s pushing me to the goddamn edge. What the hell is wrong with people? I mean, seriously. I know the news sensationalizes crap and chooses mostly negative stories to feed the fear engine, but STILL. Even if what I’m seeing is a super skewed, shitty version of news, each and every story is disturbing as hell. I am incredulous and disgusted each and every day by how fricking egregious all of this is. I mean, at this point, is it really any wonder that my parents are distrustful paranoid people who call to tell me to stay indoors after dark and not travel anywhere alone?? I am fed up. And yet, what am I personally going to do about it? Not a damn thing other than try to bury my head in the sand to get some respite. And that tactic only lasts for so long, bc my job requires that I follow all the news feeds. Argh. I know, Vicky’s in an awful shit mood again. What’s new, right? What can I say, if you want pandas and balloons and positivity, go elsewhere. Unapologetic like a boss!! 😛

In other news, day three and still no word from T-Mobile. I decided to log into my account tonight, and whaddya know? Fucking $410 in credits/adjustments with an updated balance due of $0. Gee, thanks for responding to my email/letter with an apology/explanation/ANYTHING letting me know that you’ve removed the charges. Here’s the thing about T-Mobile. Their concept of revolutionizing mobile? Awesome. In retrospect, I clearly fell for the marketing ploy, bc the execution? Totally misleading, dishonest, and 100% questionable.

  • First? Be straight up about your shit cell coverage. Those maps are a joke. I went to legit cities: DC, SF, Atlanta, LA. All spotty coverage. Mountain View was 4G on the map. All calls from home consistently dropped. I paid for a data package in Tokyo. Zippo service.
  • Then, the stupid early termination fee refund. Don’t have the process include a zillion steps, including forcing you to ship your phone in (instead of take it to the store). More hoops, more room for scamming.
  • Also, if you say you terminated my contract with Verizon, don’t do such a shoddy job that you actually DON’T cancel, and I end up still paying months’ worth of service.
  • Lastly, with the signal booster? I really wonder how many other customers are getting screwed with this “he said/she said” bullshit. How many people are 1) taking pics/documenting tracking numbers for packages they ship back and 2) following up later to ensure that they don’t get these bogus fees charged to their accounts? T-Mobile has an account with UPS. T-Mobile generated my shipping label for the return, and yet they insisted that they didn’t know the tracking number??! Like with all the automated/database systems, they couldn’t match a name/address to a tracking number?!? Fuck you, liars! My lesson here? If there are ever early flags in a new service/contract, get the hell out ASAP. Don’t give companies the benefit of the doubt, bc with T-Mobile, the shade just got worse and worse. And last year, they were actually busted by the FTC and ordered to pay $90M for unauthorized third party charges to customer bills. Flat out stealing, and yet, who’s going to jail for this? Not a damn soul.

Ok, shifting to some positive things to report today. K and I went to the gym. I did my 27 minutes of activity, and then I was all proud of myself bc a song came on the radio and a gym goer went up to the front desk to ask if she knew the name of the song. She had no clue. Since I obviously eavesdropped, I jumped right in: “The song is ‘Hips Don’t Like’ by Shakira and Wyclef.” The kid was super grateful, and I thought to myself, “See, I am up on what’s happening!” I continued patting myself on the back and walked smugly over to K to share this wonderful example highlighting my relevance. Without a beat, she responded, “That song is REALLY old. It came out when I was in high school, circa 2005.” Way to take the wind out of my sails, buddy. Sigh. That’s what I get with radical honesty, which K has kindly agreed to adopt/implement only with me. Special treatment for a special bud. K knows her pop culture shit, but I was still kinda in disbelief about just how old that song was. So I just looked it up again. Yup, 2005. Fuck, man. And Shakira. It’s just not right how hot that woman is. And how the hell is she isolating the ab movements in that video?? I am perplexed. Regardless, I’m pretty damn sure she’s exercising longer than 27 minutes twice a week. 😛

What else. Oh, dad called tonight at 8:30p. Left a message saying he had just updated his new laptop to Windows 10, and now the interface is completely unrecognizable and hence unusable. Jesus fucking Christ. Windows 10 just came out YESTERDAY. It’s so damn new, I haven’t even updated my own shit, bc I wanted to wait a week or two to let Microsoft work out all the kinks. Now you see where I get my urgency/impatience. SMH. My father kills me. I seriously need to buy LogMeIn stock. That remote control software is a life. saver.

Bump in the Road

So I got super pissed off at work today. Despite kicking off my series of new programs last week, I had an exchange with my boss last night and this afternoon that just really made me want to hit eject on this goddamn place. (Yes, I know, I AM impatient just as many of you have said.) So my new programs (all started around the same time) include: K and I hitting the campus gym twice a week instead of once, the FMD diet (though not strictly enforced), and rollerblading several times a week with Marty (he’s slow and therefore off-leash). After wasting the two weeks prior, I was finally feeling this week like, “Yeah, let’s get back on the wagon!”

Usually, I take great pride in my ability to spend time solo. I know, God forbid I ever admit to any kind of reliance or dependency on Bubbey, right? Well, the truth is, I really was handling everything just fine. I mean, the Marty maintenance was kind of intense, but I was getting all the details organized: the right combo of ingredients for his meals, the right mix of supplements, a cooking/meal prep schedule, the daily fluids intake… He visited the vet Sunday night, and the doctor suggested that I increase the fluids volume so I could decrease the frequency of pokes. I tried it earlier this week, but he just didn’t seem as good as he looked on the daily schedule. Right now, he is pooping and peeing regularly, drinking water on his own, and even having enough appetite to consume two hearty meals every day. Fingers crossed that this shit keeps up– forever.

On my parents’ end of things, I ordered my dad a new laptop, it delivered this week, and Bubbey dropped in town to help with set up. Yesterday evening, dad called about a missing “forward” button with his email, and immediately, I noticed he was still using the OLD laptop. Fucking A!! He complained that the old one didn’t have sound and was super slow with startup, blah, blah, so I get him a brand new one and he doesn’t use it!! I was so annoyed, but whatever, I’ll give him a few days. In general though, things finally seemed to be on the upswing (I spoke with my grandparents on the phone, and they sounded great!), and with two days left until Bubbey’s return, positivity was creeping back into my life! Imagine that.

Well, last night and this afternoon, my boss ticked me off with her office drama bullshit. Long story short, since I started here eight months ago, she’s always felt a need to meet with me before we’ve had meetings scheduled with other departments/teams across campus. In the beginning, I assumed that she was just being protective of my time, which is a good thing: You know, don’t agree to take on too many tasks/assignments from other people, and that way, we can maintain a manageable workload. I viewed this as her way of throttling work in my pipeline. Over time, however, I came to see that these “pre-meetings” were actually way more political. I understand that I work under her, and that I serve the central marcom office. I get that there are other forces at the institution that perhaps might have thoughts and ideas about how our social media efforts can serve them. The thing is, I have decent social skills. I’m not a world-class social intelligence expert like Bubbey is, but I’ve read a LOT and I’ve subjected myself to a lot of social scenarios to build my real-life experience. I know how to collaborate and get along with all kinds of people, at all levels, and from different backgrounds. Being a female engineer in college and beyond, and having worked with solid waste engineers and landfill operators (predominantly old, white men) in the South, plus having my other work experiences in different industries and countries and whatever… I can fucking hold my own!

Long story short, what I had previously read as protective, I now view as territorial, competitive, and distrustful. As I have been trying to build connections and reach out to other departments across campus, she keeps reiterating our priorities and our own work. Not very collaborative. And worse than that, maybe she thinks she’s letting me in on the history/background of relationships, but it’s coming across like a ton of extraneous bullshit. And you know what? This paranoid and neurotic mentality reminds me an awful lot of my parents, with their constant warnings of danger and sabotage. I don’t live with those shit-colored lenses. I like to trust people and believe people, and you know what? I’m almost 40-fucking-years-old, and it has YET to burn me. That’s not to say, I’m a fucking oblivious dumbass, refusing to recognize potential risk and danger. I have awareness, but I’m not going to look for devious intentions unless I have reason to. So our conversation today surrounded one particular person in our office. He’s not popular, and multiple people have warned that he has self-serving intentions. Seriously, I could care less if other people are super ambitious in this workplace. Go for it. I have no movement up, and I could care less for me, but if you have the drive and interest, have at it! Anyway, I really felt like she was telling me who to like and who to dislike. I have my own interactions with people, and I make my own goddamn decisions. That’s not to dismiss what she has experienced and what she has witnessed for her… she can think whatever the fuck she wants, but don’t dictate how I ought to judge and characterize people. First of all, I have realized that other people and I frequently have different perceptions/attitudes/reactions. For example, while my parents would argue that so-and-so’s actions were done out of spite or jealousy or ill-will, I might not have read the scenario the same way. And I can say, so many times when I was growing up, my mother interpreted my actions to stem from x or y emotion. Maybe she was right in her assessment early on, when I was a child. But later, after I became an adult, my mother constantly applied those same filters to my behavior even when my intentions and motivations were completely different. It’s kind of like, once you decide you dislike someone, everything they do is then viewed with a negative lens. I feel like my boss has decided that she dislikes a bunch of people/departments/units at work. And no matter what, it’s as if I have to adopt her same read on those people. Sure, she might have legit reasons for feeling x about certain people. But don’t fucking insist that  I adopt your filters. And if it’s a loyalty issue, screw that. Loyalty, especially in the workplace, is dead. The only thing that I carry with me from one place to another is the quality of my work, my work ethic, my integrity, and my relationships. And I decide all of those things for me. Yeah, can you tell I’ve been bullied in my past? This shit is a deal. breaker.

But whatever. Like an adult, I am trying to calm the fuck down bc yes, my boss is supportive, and yes, she has championed me in the past. Her style just is NOT my style. But heck, she’d better tone it the hell down, bc I’ve been listening to all this poison for eight months, and it’s really testing my patience.

Destination Reached

Bubbey finally reached his destination (Maryland) on Friday. Yup, exactly two weeks on the road: 4500 miles and 14 states. So while he’s been out frolicking, I’ve pretty much been a boring homebody. My original plan was actually to try and catch up on my sleep. Sadly, my sleep quality still sucks. I feel like I just squandered two weeks of time that I should have used to get back on a program. Goddamnit. Oh well, no point crying over what’s done and over.

On the plus side, Marty made it two weeks and I was able to catch up with some of my long lost buds. At work, things have slowed down over the summer… finally. I am liking my new summer interns, and I’m taking some time now to review metrics and vendor products. The division and school have also held a number of appreciation/newbie welcoming lunches, which have been nice. We certainly never got this much food/drink at the government agency.

On Thursday, we had a division offsite retreat, which I helped to organize. Yes, can you believe, I (of all people) was invited to be on the “fun” committee? I think people just automatically assume social media = fun. Little do they know… This time around, the duties pretty much just entailed me going on a Costco and Target run and then arriving early and staying late the day of. The venue was nestled up in the woods– a place I’d never been. Very cool spot, except for the damn kids running rampant for summer camp.

On Friday, the day after, the office was pretty dead. And the people who did go into work weren’t motivated at all. I mean, I’m kinda tight ass about my work, so I was still trying to get SOME shit done. Meanwhile, T was like calling the cable company negotiating discounts with her fucking office door open. Seriously. I mean, I have no issue about having to take care of some personal business during office hours, but at least try to be discreet. Do you have to have everyone in on what you’re doing? And then afterwards, don’t come into my office complaining about how you have no work to do. The thing about some of these office newbies: they make it seem like the reason they have no work is because they are super efficient, and the veteran workers just take forever with their tasks. Ok, people. Maybe you are super speedy and efficient and productive. Good for you. But it COULD also be that you aren’t being given enough fucking work. If you’re working less than 40 hours/week, then you’re not full-time. Period. Stop making it seem like you’re some superstar worker. Granted, their managers need to adjust their responsibilities or whatever but still, all this fluff talk just irks my nerves. I mean, my interns probably work more hours. Anyway… that’s the thing about this workplace. It’s not that the people there aren’t nice. They’re very warm and friendly: I just don’t jive with them (except my bud K)– chalk it up to different work styles, lifestyles, interest areas, communication styles, or whatever. Like on Friday afternoon, a bunch of people were gathered in the office common area listening to music from the 80s or 90s and dancing. I mean, I was still trying to get work done! Yeah, I know. It’s Friday: chill the fuck out. I just ended up leaving the office. I wasn’t about to throw myself into a dance off. I’m down with hanging with my coworkers, but I’m NOT down with hanging with them in that manner. Yes, I’m selective and again, unapologetic about it. Sorry folks, you don’t make the inner circle cut. And I probably don’t make your cut either. Whatever though. Social exclusion doesn’t bother me.

The Pointlessness of Worrying

I had another epiphany this week. I learned from my father that my mother’s parents are selling their townhome back East. Remember how I was super irritated with my mother several weeks ago, bc she kept insisting that my grandparents would eventually return to living on their own? That convo was followed by several weeks of debate where my father basically tried to tell the grandparents and mom that the best next move was to sell the house. My father was exasperated, bc the other three just kept insisting that the decrepit, rat poop-infested place was a “treasure.” So I called my grandparents to broach the difficult subject. I tried to ask them why they were hesitating with moving back to Taiwan… I don’t know if my conversation had any sway or if they just got sick of debating with my father, but now we are finally at the point of getting reno bids, and the tenants have been notified. My father’s plan is to move Yeb and Nai to Taiwan before September. Anyway, at some point in the last month, I made a choice to just let go of all the excessive worrying. And now, thankfully, there is some unexpected progress and movement.

At home, Marty’s been super on and off in the last week. Then on Friday, J and his brother-in-law started their cross-country adventure. Previously, I had been stressing out big time thinking about how I was going to administer Marty’s daily fluids solo (he squirms a lot), how I was going to get him to eat, and what I would do if things got worse, yada, yada. I mean, I AM a worry wart. In my defense, I think it’s part and parcel with being a planner. In order to have a solid plan, you have to anticipate the future. Needless to say, I was seriously wearing myself down with all the catastrophic over-thinking. One boil on my face suddenly turned into three, I couldn’t sleep, I was crying every day, and I just felt my mind spiraling. That’s when I knew I had to save myself. I was falling into an abyss, and this shit was getting out of control.

So J and I talked about Marty. He said he trusted me to make the call when it was necessary. I don’t think a decision like that can ever be 100% clear, but I do have confidence that I will throw in the towel when I need to. I will be completely heartbroken, but I can and have made the decision in the past. Next, I need to really focus on staying calm and testing out a few other food options for Marty. Previously, J had been doing all the cooking (Marty no longer eats commercial foods), but there were a few other items I’d read about that I wanted to try. I dedicated this first weekend alone to gathering all the supplies.

The third area is work. I know I’m not happy enough at work to stay on super long term (social media is exhausting), so I want to start getting back on the networking wagon… time to tap into my exroverted, social self and refresh those old contacts again. Gotta do what you gotta do!

So yeah, the key note to self this week? I need to stop letting myself feel overwhelmed by everything. All that worry about my grandparents: my parents are handling it, and extra worry doesn’t do anything, so I have to stop. Help where I can and then focus on other things I have to do. And Marty is going to have good days and bad days. I have to be better about rolling with the punches and riding out the waves. Thankfully, since Friday, Marty has been doing amazing. The daily sub-q fluids plus appetite stimulant seem to help. Maybe the antibiotics are also aiding to kill that bladder infection, and he is feeling better? I tried some new foods: baby food, chicken thigh, red potatoes, cottage cheese, applesauce… some work, some don’t. I have also added fish oil and B-50 complex to his meals. In the last two days, he has been running at the park even. 

I also caught a break with Martin’s lactated ringer fluids. I talked to the pharm tech about my troubles getting the supplies online (vet charges $30/bag vs. $10/bag online), and her manager actually offered to price match six bags!! So for the time being, that buys me another 24 days and then I can deal with the online shop later. What a welcome relief and a very nice customer servicey thing to do!

Beyond all that, I’m trying to get back with the self-care: nails, teeth-whitening, skincare, diet, SLEEP. That’s the good thing about Bubbey being away: I can spend some time and energy getting myself back on track.