Category Archives: Family

Picking Pennies

My first few days of freedom have been pretty darn good. Nothing super dramatic or exciting like jet setting to exotic islands or lounging on the beach in the South Pacific, but I’ve definitely been enjoying that feeling of having time. It’s so weird but whenever I’m working, I just get into this crazy zone where I dunno, so many aspects of my life just fall to the wayside. Now, it’s so refreshing to NOT be all about work all the damn time! I’m only a few days in, and although my quality of sleep has not yet improved (Marty is digging frantically in his bed again at night– it sounds like someone is scratching to get out of a coffin!), just being able to sleep in definitely gives my body some needed rest the morning after.

This week, my main focus has been tackling home organization. Our garage cabinets from Bay Area Home and Window got installed while my dad was here earlier this month, and I followed the suggestion of the professional home organizer to get uniform storage containers: big clear bins from Costco and then small and large clear shoe boxes from The Container Store (TCS). In the past, I really hated that overpriced yuppie store, but as it turns out, if you buy the shoe boxes in cases, it’s actually more affordable. That and well, I guess Bubs and I are yuppies now. Lately, John has been saying over and over that he needs to start living his “best life” now, and part of that means he wants his home to be nice. Admittedly, I definitely run on the cheap/low standards end for “nice”– maybe I never outgrew my college makeshift furniture mode– but I am trying to get on board with Bubbey. So, TCS is having their big elfa closet sale right now. Last weekend, we went into the store with our closet measurements and met with the designer. She was really fast and responsive, so we’re going to give this elfa thing a try in our bedroom closets. Of course, I had to go about a very specific way of purchasing, to maximize my Bubbey Bucks.

You see, I learned about Upromise two years ago from that job networking group in Sunnyvale. Basically, it’s a program where you earn cash back for online purchases by going through a referral website rather than going directly to the store website. Sure, the money takes a while to deposit into your account, and some transactions (like via mobile tablet or phone) don’t get logged at all (buggy). My friend K tried Upromise a few months ago and HATED it. She prefers Ebates, which processes the transactions almost immediately. But Upromise has higher cash back percentages, so you know that’s where I go! Recently, I earned $150 back from T-mobile for activating two new devices; plus, I scored some decent bucks with 5% back on hotel bookings (for my work and John’s work) and other larger ticket items like car tires. The day-to-day stuff doesn’t earn that much but still, at 5-10% cash back (like for TCS or for clothing stores), it adds up. So far, I’ve earned over $400! LMK if you’re interested, and I can hook you up with a referral, and then we both score $20!

In other news, I ran a gabillion errands the other day: seriously, I am amazed how much more I can get done when no one else is at the fucking stores. I went to the regular supermarket, the vet office, Costco, then the gas station. Incidentally, I decided to empty out the contents of my cute car trash bin. Well I had forgotten that I was weighing the bin down with a ton of pennies to keep it from tipping over. So all of those damn pennies went rattling through the gas station garbage bin. And yes, I tried to re-collect them. Now before you start judging me, let me share a story about my father.

He called me the other day to ask if Dulles Airport is open 24/7. The reason? He doesn’t want to inconvenience his friend who is giving him a ride to the airport. Dad’s flight is at 6 am, so his plan is to have his friend drop him off at Dulles at 10p (a reasonable hour). Then, he will just sleep at the airport until his flight that morning. Uh, dad, why don’t you just take a cab or a SuperShuttle? You can take SuperShuttle from your friend’s house (about 30 min to the airport compared 60 min to his home), and it’s $30. “No, this is fine.” When I told Bubbey my story about the pennies, he warned me about nipping that shit in the bud, bc I am very well on that path to being my father sleeping at the airport for seven hours. The fruit don’t fall far from the tree.

What else. So yeah, I have been organizing my shit big time. Damn, even just packing up my office crap and bringing that home… I had a ton of junk. With the elfa closet makeover, I am going through my clothes and purses and bags… purging and making more room. I also started deep cleaning the house. Fuck man, I busted out my vacuum attachments for the first time ever. Sucked up all the damn crud that fell between the couch cushions and along the baseboards. Jesus Christ, John and I are fucking slobs!!

I’ve been pretty productive these last few days. John has been telling me to chill the fuck out and not be so goddamn task oriented. I can’t help myself though. Today I sat in on a webinar about an online web development boot camp. Right now, the following career possibilities are on the table: web dev/UX/product management, real estate, project management (PMP certification), Salesforce certification, freelance social media/digital comm work. I’m not gonna lie, but I fantasize about running my own gig with flex hours and lots of remote work. Those options seem to allow for that…

I’m currently reading a book recommended by my student intern. It’s called Undecided, and it’s basically about women on this unending search for career fulfillment, partly bc they have too much choice these days (compared to the previous generation). I’m early in the book, so it’s too soon to tell…

Tomorrow I’m getting back on the yoga bandwagon. Sure, I started that hip hop class last Monday, but it’s only 4 classes total, and given how fucking sore I am after the first class, I have a long ways to go before I get back to my old days of glory. So yup, I bought a few Groupons and it’s back to sweating my brains out. After all, the big 4-0 is like that heat coming around the corner!! Get busy livin’ or get busy dying!!

Travels with Dad

I’ve had a super hectic week since taking days off from work. Surprisingly, my father took my suggestion to reconnect with some old friends. I was thrilled and happily offered to shuttle him around to see them in CA and NV.

After that beotch of a day on Tuesday, dad and I drove up to San Ramon on Wednesday. Mr. Chen was apparently the friend who matched up my mom and dad many years ago at a party in Taipei. This dude was an economics big wig who lived in a gazillion places while serving as a diplomat for the Taiwan government: Panama, Dominican Republic, Taiwan, Italy, England, you name it. What a life, learning a bunch of languages while working and traveling the world! Their two daughters are now in NorCal, so the parents retired in a beautiful community in San Ramon. I had never traveled to that part of North Bay, but shit, pretty swanky new construction haciendas adjacent to a golf course! The house was huge and def a party house with massive gathering rooms, an outdoor courtyard with fireplace, a casita, and a pool. Of course, as soon as we stepped in, the place was freezing cold. I couldn’t even take off my damn coat. As an environmentalist, I am all for energy savings, but shit: don’t be buying a big ass house if you’re not going to heat it! Same with the pool. Seriously, I drank a ton of hot tea, bc I just could not stay warm.

And so the conversations began: talking about their kids’ schooling, jobs, and credentials. I’m sure people are just sharing their lives, but hypersensitive me, I take every little thing as some comment on my failure. These other kids are doing big things with their lives: traveling the world for prestigious firms; opening private dental practices; getting PhDs in whatever fields… And what am I doing? Marketing and communications for some lame private university. I didn’t even have the heart to say I was leaving my job. I already felt loser enough. Ugh, fucking shame: No matter how much I read about building confidence or taking risks or self acceptance, things just never feel good enough. Then my father throws in that he’s moving back to Taiwan bc he “doesn’t have grandkids to care for or babysit,” blah, blah. Maybe he’s just doing the radical honesty thing, explaining why he wants to return to Asia instead of stay Stateside, but I dunno, there are just moments when I read things pretty negatively. Like he’s blaming me for not giving him enough reason to live in the US. Whatever. See? Complicated emotional guilt tripping or no? Hard to say bc to some extent, Chinese parents seem to love the blame game. On the other hand, maybe he just doesn’t want to bother or inconvenience me. Hmm, has that stopped them before? Obviously, my thoughts waver back and forth.

On Thursday, I drove dad to Visalia to visit with other old friends from Taiwan, a physician + dentist couple. Very nice and a little younger than my parents. Again, big house, freezing temps. The lady, on seeing both my dad and me keeping our coats on after stepping inside, asked what temp I set at home. Lady, you don’t even want to know. Her thermostat was set to 66 deg. Are you for fucking real? Unlike the couple the day before, this house was definitely Chinese in its decor: a lot of glass curio cabinets and tables and black lacquer. Slippers as soon as we came in, and a shit ton of takeout containers washed and stacked for re-use in the kitchen. So weird to observe these things and then realize they are part of a pattern, a cultural thing perhaps? The couple was super nice: they showed us around town. Visalia is super agrarian with a mostly Latino population. Interestingly, I learned that this couple spent ten years living apart: the wife practicing as a dentist and raising their two kids in the Bay Area, and the hubby practicing as an internist in Visalia, driving home every weekend. Who does that?? Immigrants, man. The struggle is real.

That evening, the temps dipped low, and the mountains got some snow. The next morning, the couple drove us to Sequoia National Park, but we couldn’t drive very far in, bc we didn’t have snow chains. So, I will have to go back for sure to see the world’s largest living tree. On the way back down the mountain, we hit up a Mexican place. Delish, esp with the bass rellano. Add it to the list!

On the long drive back home, dad talked regrets. Boo hoo central. Maybe he should have sent us to boarding school to better prepare us for Duke. Maybe we should have gone to a state school first, possibly done better academically, and then attended a prestigious grad school afterwards. I admit that one of my greatest disappointments in life was not doing well academically at Duke. That really shattered me, and I don’t think my confidence ever truly recovered since. That said, I hate regret, so I always try to focus on the learning moments.

When I told my dad that things turned out fine and I’m fine, he switched his comment as if to say it only applied to my brother. Th thing is though, my brother always maintained his merit scholarship at Duke. He came close to losing it due to poor grades, but he always pulled through. And for grad school, he went to one of the nation’s top film schools and then to one of the nation’s top teaching schools. So who is my father talking about with his whole public school undergrad and fancy grad school scenario? And is he talking about academic success or professional success or life success? When I press, he’s unclear. This is where I just feel like he continues to believe both his kids are failures, and that makes me feel like utter shit.

If he’s talking academic success, my brother did very well. Professionally, he is in a field that suits him and he is well respected at the university. If dad’s talking about life success, my brother sucks at that, but is he then suggesting that not adapting well at Duke led to being unprepared for life? As for me, I know dad never thought anything about my grad school selection even though I earned a selective fellowship and Florida was the best program for solid waste engineering. He also never thought much of any of my professional tracks: environmental engineering, political advocacy, nonprofit, etc. Life wise, I suppose at best he doesn’t have to worry much about me.

I dunno: the truth is, it’s all moot now. But I still get frustrated bc basically, somewhere I’m either not smart enough to excel in the arena he wants, or compared to the immigrant sacrifices of his generation, I’m not hardworking enough to achieve professional success. Sigh.

Back to the trip. On Saturday, the three of us flew out to Vegas. The plan was to do a quickie weekend meeting with more of dad’s friends (retired in Henderson) and then do some exploring. As it turned out, the flight got delayed and then the rental car took FORever. Fucking Budget. DO NOT RENT FROM THEM. We left our house around 8am and didn’t get to eating anything until 4pm. It was the longest day ever. Fortunately, dad treated us to the buffet at Caeser’s Palace, and our suite at the Signature at MGM was spacious and beautiful.

Where are your Chopsticks??

So my father came to town last Thursday. Poor guy. His flight into SFO was delayed FOUR hours. On the plus side, he was upgraded to first class with free drinks and meals, so you know homeboy maxed out on the amenities. Like father, like daughter. Unlike past visits (last one to Mountain View was September 2013 after I left my previous job) where I had him and mom stay in my bedroom with the Westin bed and bigger master bath, I set him up in my office. He came solo this visit and I figured with just one person, the air mattress would work better holding him than holding both John and me. His bed setup involved my CB2 Lubi as a base, then a 2-ft thick air mattress, then a 2-in foam mattress pad, then a heated mattress topper. Yeah, I forgot to share that a few months ago, my heated mattress topper stopped working. I assumed it was on a 1-yr warranty, so I just reordered a replacement. Well turns out that topper carries a 5-yr warranty!! So after the fact, I requested a free replacement to use on my dad’s bed. Yup, I can never have enough heated surfaces in my house. Even Marty has two heated beds. Anyway, my point is that my home office is working out great for dad, bc he set up his laptop at my desk along with his blood pressure monitor (daily), and a stack of books. Yeah, who knew he was reading so much. He lugged a pile of Chinese novels that he loaned from the library!! It’s pretty cool to see him find things to watch (tons of Taiwan politics– the elections are happening this week) and read and learn. Piquing that curiosity and all.

I went to work on Friday, and then we did a bunch of stuff over the weekend. We did a combo of dining out and eating in. He insisted that he didn’t have to have seafood, so we branched out and ate Korean bulgogi, Italian, Burmese… And I threw in a few NuWave meals, of course. Yup, roast duck, lamb chops, roasted veggies, and yesterday, I mastered Chilean sea bass. I am on a freaking roll with that appliance. I also made porridge, steamed squash, and oatmeal in my second fav appliance, the pressure cooker.  My dad was def being a good sport about eating outside of his comfort zone, but man, as soon as he had that fish and rice, you could see that that will forever be his sweet spot. I’m telling you: we’re from different worlds with our food preferences. Funny thing, for the first meal I made at home, my father was like wandering around the kitchen for five minutes, and then finally he asked, “Where are your chopsticks???” Oops. They’re hidden away in a secondary drawer, bc we never use them! I’m so unAsian!

What else. On Sunday, we went to Vasona Park in Los Gatos. After a nice stroll (clocking steps on his FitBit), we took him to Campo di Bocce, a restaurant (where my division had this year’s holiday party) with indoor and outdoor bocce ball courts. My father never played before, but as I anticipated, he enjoyed it. I always feel like activities requiring precision and hand control are good for him: bowling, ping pong, etc. Those surgeon hands have so much strength and control and are highly attuned to making small adjustments. For example, we were comparing the weights of the iPad Pro tablet and the Surface. John and I held each one individually, and we were certain they were the same weight. My father, who was known for extreme accuracy calling baby weights straight out of the womb, said the Surface was lighter. Yup, about 5 oz lighter!

Fixing Misery

After flying into DC on Monday, I spent the two days leading up to Christmas hanging with my dad. Honestly, I’d been dreading this trip home for a long while. In the past year, every time I’ve spoken to dad on the phone, he has not sounded well. About a week ago, he asked me to research a few things, and I gave him pushback, telling him that he ought to be Googling these things on his own before asking me for help. My reluctance to help upset him. In my defense, my point was that he’s a smart, resourceful person: he is entirely capable of typing something into Google to locate initial info. He responded, explaining that he’s not in a good state mentally… I, of all people, understand how a shitty mental state can be debilitating and paralyzing. But fuck man, how long is this going to continue without him trying to change the situation? He’s given up on life, but you know what? Life is not over yet, so unless death is coming very soon, figure out a different approach to change the result. Sure, maybe all these tasks are actually ways for him to create some kind of conversational topic with me. That’s certainly very possible considering we don’t really have engaging talks. Still, something’s gotta give.

For my visit, I set a few goals in my head to 1) try and get him out of the house to do new things and explore new places 2) get him exercising again 3) discuss reaching out to his old friends to refresh his old networks. In the two days, we got along pretty well and got a lot done. We handled my grandfather’s car– getting it towed, serviced, and then driven back to Frederick in the pouring rain, tried some new restaurants, walked around the neighborhood, and did some Chinese calligraphy together. I realized that my father is actually a very solitary person: he enjoys introverted activities like reading Chinese history and philosophy, playing Sudoku and Chinese crosswords, watching Chinese soaps, and following Taiwan politics.

In true conflict-seeking fashion, we did talk a bit about his unhappiness. As I suspected, it’s related to failed/unmet life expectations. It always blows my mind how potent the desire is to have a family and grandkids. I know that this wish is not limited to my dad. I think in both cultures, it’s a really strong force. On one hand, the defiant part of me is quick to dismiss this high value being placed on something that is overly controlling and unfair, but the truth is: dad’s not unhappy bc he wants to upset me or blame me. He just truly values family, and the thought that neither child will continue a legacy strips meaning from his life, bc that was so much of what motivated him to accomplish and succeed in the first place. For me, in some overly simplistic view, I acknowledge being directly responsible for thwarting his dream. It’s a burden that I just have to bear. Sure, I feel frustration and anger that his happiness depends on my and Johnny’s actions. And yet, if I reflect on my own issues this entire past year, similarly, I have chosen to let external factors (say, my shitty job) dictate my mood and happiness. If I chastise him for choosing misery, I must blame myself for doing the same.

The other day, we were out in downtown Frederick, where I saw all these people walking their dogs. I so wanted to touch and pet all these cute fur balls. Seeing these sprightly pups made me miss my Marty and also think about future doggies I might adopt. When I see kids, I don’t really have that same instant affinity. Sure, sometimes those kiddos (esp the interracial ones)  are fucking adorable and cute, but generally, I don’t gush about kids. I realized that my reaction to seeing/having dogs is probably just as strong and natural and instinctive as my parents’ (and most people’s) feelings about kids. Likewise, my (non) reaction to kids is like my parents’ disinterest with dogs.

When I was a child, I never planned on being child-free. I do think witnessing how my parents raised my brother and seeing other very complicated parent-child relationships in my family, I just got really turned off. As an adult, the allure of kids simply doesn’t exist. With my parents, they don’t understand why anyone would invest the time, energy, and money into raising pets– esp since they live such short lives. Frankly, I don’t understand why people commit to kids– they are such a gamble and then the whole situation lasts a lifetime AND is totally irreversible!!

It’s hard to see my father unhappy. He probably thinks that having a grandchild would cure him of his misery, just like when I was a kid, I thought all would be right in the world once I got a dog. If only life were so easy. I’m sure that if he had a grandchild, something else would be unfulfilled or worth complaining about. That’s the thing about unhappy people: they fail to really appreciate all the good things in their lives; rather, they just obsess over everything that is wrong. I feel sad that I have disappointed my parents and my family, but what can be done: I don’t want children, and this has been true since my early 20s.

All I can do now is try to change my own actions and outlook to improve my own happiness. I am hopeful for 2016.

Seeking and Accepting Help

Among my many flaws, I am not good with old people. I’m sure none of you are surprised by this confession, given my long history of being an impatient beotch ass. This past year though, between my maternal grandparents, my in-laws, my own parents, and my aging Marty, I realize that I really am awful at taking care of fragile people and animals.

I mean, it’s a known fact that my parents are neurotic and paranoid, that my father is an efficiency/accomplishment-obsessed control freak and my mother is a slow and illogical fearful person paralyzed by catastrophic thinking. Still, despite my knowledge of all this and our lifelong history together, every interaction with my parents remains a major struggle and test of my patience. My parents just always feel so damn preachy and naggy and micro-managey! Sadly, rather than our connection easing over time, the opposite seems to be happening. And now that my dad sighs and moans and groans all the fucking time, I grow even more frustrated. Was he this unhappy before? If so, he certainly had work to distract him for his misery. Now he stays somewhat busy, but he has more free time than before to wallow in self pity. Then my mother, being in a new place (Kaohsiung), could have used this opportunity to learn new things and become more empowered. But no. It makes me uncomfortable to see how much she relies on others for help.

My bud K recently offered to drive Bubs and me to the airport. I mean, a tremendously thoughtful gesture, but we live 20 minutes from her, and our house is another 40 minutes to SFO. Doing the math, we’re talking a min of one hour each way, not to mention an early morning drive (leaving the house before 7) AND awful rush hour traffic on her way back south. To me, this is a huge inconvenience that’s easily avoided by grabbing a cab or self-parking. But maybe in big/close families, inconveniences just don’t deter you from seeking, offering, or receiving help?? In the past, I always felt like my family in Taiwan was way too involved, too intwined with each other’s lives. For example, before my parents got a place in Taipei, whenever they’d travel to the capital, they would stay with my cousin and her family in her small 2 BR house. In my mind, why not just get a damn hotel room so people aren’t squished? But no, my cousin insisted on having my parents stay with them for like weeks; Similarly, my parents preferred that level of accommodation. I always thought it was rather inappropriate and disruptive. And definitely, whenever they’d visit us in California, they would NEVER ever consider renting a car/taking a cab or staying at a hotel (no matter how small our space). I dunno: maybe it’s a cultural difference with respect to personal space? I find their self-imposed (artificial) lack of choice strange.

So, what happens now is my aunts in Taiwan buy meats and produce from the farmers’ markets and deliver them to my mother. They have been doing this for months, and they live at least 30 min away. I mean, maybe I’m just being a Bay Area yuppie, but shit, isn’t there a grocery buying/delivery service for this? I dunno. Just seems excessive and personally, I would like to see my mother leave the house (I think my grandparents can be alone unchaperoned for a few hours) and run her own damn errands. Partly, all this help only reduces her own capability bc it enables her to be overly reliant. Anyway. Clearly, I have issues about “help.”

Another example? Poor Marty. He is slowing down considerably. The appetite is definitely getting less consistent, and his sundown syndrome comes on super strong at night. I often awake from him scratching his bed obsessively, or I’ll notice him just standing there in the dark, zoned out, with his back end sloping severely (kidney discomfort?). Last year, finding him doggie care over the holidays was a mad scramble. Finally, I got our neighbor’s pet sitter to do it, but in the end, I think she lied to me and didn’t really sleep over. This year, due to the elevated level of care Martin requires (doggie door access, meds, subq fluids, homemade food, etc.), I tried Rover. I must have asked 7 people, including my students who in turn, asked their friends. Nothing. Fucking A. Argh!! Finally, I asked J&J. Even though we’re super close friends with them, I was so reluctant to ask, bc they have the kid and both are working and then they have Helix… It just seemed like too much to pile onto a sleep-deprived family. But John argued that they are super observant, have a doggie door, are familiar with geriatric dogs, and Jess has medical training… Plus, with the kid, they spend more time hanging out at home now. Thankfully, they agreed, and they keep saying it’s no big deal. We’re so relieved, but I’m also wondering now if maybe I need to ask for and accept help from friends more often.

Dropping the Mother Load

On December 1, I informed my boss that I wanted to start transitioning out. Yup, after trying to force a connection that’s been missing since the very beginning, I finally had the guts to hit eject. For me, there are so many factors that come into play when assessing a job, but ultimately, what made this move so damn difficult was my sense of duty/responsibility AND my loyalty to relationships, in this case, my boss. Sure, like all of us, she has her flaws and quirks but in the end, she supported me and championed my work. For someone who chronically feels “not good enough,” her opinion of my job performance means something. Interestingly, it doesn’t erase my own assessment of how I could be better or how someone else might do this job better, but that’s a different issue.

Anyway, she immediately tried to offer alternatives: part-time work, project specific consultancy, etc. I told her I didn’t have anything lined up, and I wasn’t leaving tomorrow or anything, but I wanted her to know this was where the path was leading. Yes, there was some crying involved. Fuck man, I dunno why I treat such things with so much goddamn gravity. Ridic. That said, as soon as I told her, I felt so much lighter. It’s that damn radical honesty: when I have to keep things secret, it requires tremendous energy. I’m so much more at ease after I can just tell all. Haha. Our meeting concluded with this: you consider whether there’s any capacity where you might continue to work here, and let me know.

After I got home, Bubs and I ran through the scenarios. Part-time was nixed almost immediately. As it is, I can’t seem to limit myself to 40 hrs/wk, so part-time would most likely end up being me working full-time at half-time pay. As for the consultant opps, the big project coming up is the 24-hr day of giving. Having worked that massive project last year, I’m not impressed with the team nor the university’s continual insistence on cheaping out (without downgrading their expectations). Since last year’s campaign, we’ve had multiple meetings for this year’s event, and despite the university expressing SOME interest in new tools, it seems the decision makers are leaning cheap and conservative this year yet again. No thank you.

The strongest impetus for leaving is my strong distaste for the current interim AVP. Yes, I have a history of becoming disillusioned with leaders. Leadership is something I require, and even though my track record is shitty (asshole managers and execs are everywhere!), I know good ones are out there. I can’t even begin to express how disappointed I am with the current situation. I wrote about it before, where she came in via a very sketchy, conflict-of-interest scenario. She immediately proposed a drastic plan to whip our department into shape. We all knew the department was dysfunctional and messed up. But her approach and more than that, her attitude… I don’t want to go into all the details here, but basically, she comes in, shows no appreciation for what has been accomplished (in spite of the dysfunction and lack of resources), insists on throwing around buzzwords that she can’t seem to adequately explain, drags ass implementing the changes, and then does a half-ass job in executing the vague plan, blaming executive indecision and lack of resources all along the way. Sure, maybe she took on the job not expecting so may problems and roadblocks. Fine, but the answer isn’t to just continue plowing through, answering people’s concerns with “this is a high ambiguity situation, and it will be like that for a while.” People are ok with change if you earn their confidence, create incentives, and/or if you show them a timeline and a path. When pressed for a timeline, no answer. When she talks about the department ultimately reaching its peak performance status though, the words that emerge are “years.” Here’s the thing: your pay is shit, your org is highly dysfunctional, your leaders are hypocritical and uninspiring, and now you are demanding major structural change plus new work in addition to the existing massive pile of responsibilities? Hello, Change Management 101: what is the employees’ incentive to put up with all this? Throughout the whole process, she keeps touting her high tech background, saying she’s running this place like a tech startup– with “best practices.” Uh, do you have any concept of where the fuck you are? Startups offer cool culture, opportunities for advancement, reward for strong performance, and the chance for a payout. Please. Know your client; know your audience.

The thing is, in the beginning, I wanted to like this woman. While rumors swirled that she was being brought in to oust our AVP, I thought those people were just overreacting and being paranoid. To our one-on-one meeting, I came with an open mind and with honest answers. She hardly even paid attention to my responses to her questions. I thought maybe she had had a long day and was just tired.

The sad truth is, a woman in leadership is such a goddamn rarity. So when I see it, I want it to succeed. But I’m not about to be used and abused and disrespected. She’s not even sincere about anything she says. Whatever. Ultimately, her tactic of dangling a “you get to keep your job” over our heads just isn’t going to work for me. Fuck you. I am someone who, as a preteen, chose welts and bruises and lashings with a leather belt over a simple verbal apology to my mother. If I feel you’re in the wrong, you won’t get an apology out of me. In some cases with people I love, I make exceptions, but I don’t dole that shit out like hot cakes. I would rather work at See’s Candies and sell most of my creature comforts than be handcuffed to a shitty job dictated by someone I strongly dislike. Yeah, I actually value my freedom to choose where I work and how I spend my time. So, I’m out. And yes, that message is also accompanied by a hand gesture or two. Like I said, defiance with a capital daddy-fuckin’ (why do we always say “mother-fucking”) D.

Eternal Misfit

I was thinking the other day about how my whole life can be summed up in one term: misfit. I mean, how many times do I use “my parents are immigrants” as a way to explain my eccentricities? If you think about it though, being American-born Chinese really has put me in this odd space. For example, growing up in Frederick, there were less than 10 Asians in my high school (close to 1000 students?). I was always harassed for being Asian, small, and scrawny. People made fun of my parents. People bullied me. Then whenever I went back to Taiwan as a child, I never fit in there either: my skin was too tanned; I was too big-boned compared to my cousins; I didn’t speak the Taiwanese dialect; my Mandarin was too basic or whatever; I was too unruly and defiant. When I went to Duke, there were more Asians but I was the underachieving one with my mediocre grades. In Shanghai, my “yellow face” prevented me from getting teaching jobs despite my training and experience. My relatives there described my Mandarin as elementary or awkward. When they heard me speak English, they insisted that my American accent wasn’t the same as John’s. Meanwhile J would say a few words in Mandarin and suddenly, he was super advanced. 

Now, in Silicon Valley, I’m either the “soft” engineer (civil) with the social skills at a tech startup, or I’m the comm person with the engineer’s social awkwardness at the non-tech workplace. Everywhere I turn, there is some part of me that isn’t quite right. I think of my friend J who grew up moving to a different state every two years. She has incredible awareness and social/emotional intelligence. She credits her ability to read people and adapt quickly to this upbringing. I suppose I can credit my resiliency to my history of being an eternal misfit. On good days, I think I’m pretty adaptable: I have a high tolerance for discomfort, and I’m not afraid to push myself despite the natural fears of rejection or exclusion. But on my bad days, I feel tired. Tired of trying. Tired of pushing. Tired of not having the ease of being immediately accepted and welcomed. In these moments of self pity, I remind myself that these struggles are minor compared to “real” troubles people without privilege face. I try not to complain. So instead, I have days and maybe weeks where I feel overwhelmed by the constancy of being a lifelong misfit. I wonder what is wrong with me. Why are certain conditions so absolutely unbearable for me while for others, it’s simply no big deal.

Yesterday morning, I received an email from my Duke roommate. She is a successful, high ranking OB/GYN in the military. In the last two years, she met the love of her life, got married, bought a house, got a dog, had a kid… anyway, she was in town for a friend’s wedding and wanted to know if I was free for lunch. It had been a long time since we’d hung out one-on-one, and I was kind of looking forward to catching up. As we hit all the key topics, she asked about my job and I admitted that I hated it. She agreed that she thought social media was a weird fit for me, and then she made this comment like, “What job number is this for you?” I shrugged my shoulders and replied, “Everyone’s got a puzzle they’re trying to solve. Not everything lines up at the same time.” We went onto other topics and then her friend joined us. Then it was all about child-rearing and that person’s soap opera drama (seriously, she was dating her best friend’s soon-to-be-ex). On my drive home, I just kept replaying my friend’s comment. I get so disappointed when people say the most insensitive things. I’m a sarcastic person, so sure, I get that not everything is so goddamn literal, but fuck man, words also matter.

I mean, she was unlucky at love for almost 20 years: failed relationship after failed relationship. Did I EVER say to her, “what relationship number is this now?” When I was at Duke, I had nervous breakdowns bc of my grades. To make matters worse, I had my parents calling every damn week harassing me about my test scores, giving me advice on how to study harder or better… The transition from high school valedictorian with all my awards and extra-curriculars and Chinese school accomplishments to sub-par undergrad was a difficult period for me– a paralyzing culmination of expectation, pressure, privilege, and disappointment. I remember once when I didn’t agree with her strategy for taking classes just for the “easy A” as she described it, she said, “well, unlike you, I’m not trying to get the lowest GPA possible.” It’s weird bc I’ve always had so much loyalty for that friendship, and now reflecting on the last few encounters, I really don’t know why. To be honest, things have never really been the same since graduation, and maybe that’s my own damn naive fault. Through the years, she was awful at keeping in touch. I wasn’t even sure about going to her wedding in September 2014. Ultimately, I was glad I went bc I really wanted to celebrate her milestones, but maybe now I can just let things go. After my visit with her, I drove home, stepped in the door, and just started to cry.

J keeps saying that 2015 has been a shitty year for me. Aside from the work dissatisfaction, he always points to the shifts in my friendships as playing a key factor: the openspace people moving away, changing jobs, or retiring, G& J being in Seattle, J&J having a kid… I always rejected his theory. Then, over Thanksgiving, I felt like I couldn’t really have a conversation with J&J without them being distracted by the baby. And we’ve certainly seen less of them now that weekends get filled with playdates and kiddie camping trips. I don’t begrude them of cute lil’ H, but for some reason, I had an epiphany. 

A long time ago, I read an interesting essay about friendships: the article likened them to catalysts and enzymatic reactions. You need proximity, attraction (through common interests), and frequency. In the past, when I had lost touch with S from grad school, I chalked it up to just us not having things in common anymore, bc she was a housewife living in the South. She had had two kids and that life was exhausting, and we had fewer and fewer things in common. Maybe that’s what’s happening now. Slowly and esp bc the kids are in their needy years. I dunno.

J has suggested that we focus on getting more child-free friends AND maybe we need to move to the city where there is a higher concentration of like-minded people and things to do. The thing is, I rather like my Houseboat. But I also agree, life in suburbia is rather boring and everything is really centered around kids. This makes me think about my single friends. God, it must be so frustrating for them to hang around homebody couples!

Sigh, these are the things that keep me up late. Turns out, I don’t just need a job overhaul, I need to overhaul so many other areas: family, location, friends…  Now I’m suddenly tired and ready for bed!

Holidays: First Pass

We had a pretty small gathering this year for Thanksgiving. Partly, I was scrambling around very last minute following a restless week prior in Taiwan. My god that visit was trying. Honestly, I don’t know why after all these years, I’m still so surprised by how frustrating my family is. ANYway, I guess I’m mostly recovered now, at least I’m back on the Pacific time zone. Truthfully, I was pretty annoyed by how little empathy I got from Bubbey while I was dealing with my daily family drama. Given he was exhausted back at home hustling with the new job and long commute and Marty’s health situation, but basically every time I talked to him, he just said I needed to learn to control my response to my mother. Never mind that she was annoying as fuck and def stepped over the line with her accusations, but fine. Chock it up to mental illness or whatever. After I returned, she called and thanked me for all the stuff I did. Yes, I’m still irritated that she makes helping her so goddamn frustrating, but in the end, I guess I’m supposed to just forget and forgive.

The good news is that I made my turkey in the NuWave oven, and it came out great in less than four hours. Except that the only size turkey they had left at the store was an 18 pounder, and our three other guests were vegetarian. Meanwhile, Marty’s appetite is fluctuating daily like the wind. He doesn’t like chicken anymore, so we cooked up pork. That lasted for a day or two, and then he puked that up. Now, he seems to be eating the turkey off and on, coupled with getting the sub q fluids every few days. Yes, we’re back on that wagon again. I try to be all easy going and laid back about it: he’s probably 16 y/o now, so I no longer have the wool pulled over my eyes, but it’s still a stressor. We know the drill, and these are the few factors we’re willing to adjust until the end, but I can’t help but feel some kind of impending doom. Yup, clearly, New Attitude November was a burning success!! Haha. One more day, and then it’s December Doom. Shrug.

Overall, Thanksgiving was good: J&J came over with the baby and then S joined later on. I have to say, things are different now that my close friends are parents. You can’t have real, in depth conversations anymore, bc they’re always distracted. I mean, that’s the thing about kids. They really are nonstop- there isn’t a moments’ rest. I don’t know how these people do it. As for S, she appears to be doing well. I guess it’s hard to ever really know. These days, more than ever, I feel like everyone is living behind a veil. We’re just too damn busy to peer into the troubles of others. Maybe I’m projecting. Regardless, work keeps her immensely busy, and Thanksgiving weekend is always one of her busiest times of the year, working in retail and all. She had work calls every four hours for status updates on the web traffic and mobile app. Yeah, maybe my job isn’t so bad. Sigh. (Throwing up my hands).

The next day, K invited us over to her family’s annual day-after dinner party. Man, the Brady Bunch for realz. Serious party hosts: they had two super long tables plus table trays set up for every spot on the living room couch. I mean, there were a LOT of people: maybe 40? J and I had a good time: mostly we chatted with K and D. I brought a box of pineapple cakes from Taiwan, which her father promptly set out on the dessert table. Funny thing: who were the first people to eat up the cakes? None other than K’s brother-in-law and his fam– who are Chinese (maybe Taiwanese)!?! I mean, precisely the people who are already familiar with pineapple cakes. SMH. In the end, K’s parents didn’t even get to try them! My people, man. It still just blows my mind that K has dinner with her fam every single week. I have to say, it is so weird for me to observe joyous and interactive families. My family is so much the opposite. Sigh. It is what it is.

Closing Time

Just thirty more minutes until boarding. I called my father to report that I had gotten to the aiport fine and was gearing up to board. I told him I had gotten here way early, and he replied that it’s a good time for me to do my “homework.” See what I mean? Never a moment’s rest with that one. Thankfully for my own salvation, I checked my laptop with my bag, bc I’ll be damned if I do MORE fucking work.

Interestingly, his response reminds me so much of college. Goddamn, every time I spoke to him, he would advise that I follow his process for academic success: 1) read the chapters before they are covered in class 2) focus during class 3) read the notes and chapters again after class. I swear, every fucking free moment was to be spent studying and preparing and getting ahead (which I was never able to do). In retrospect, I really wish I had just fucked off during college. All the stress and nervous breakdowns and obsessions and disappointment over my grades… those years are lost forever and in the end, they only reinforced awful, painful feelings of failure. Lost time. Almost 40 and I’m still losing time. I don’t know how to learn from these mistakes. Ah well, thoughts and regrets for another day.

I’m thankful the return flight is only 11 hrs (instead of 14 hrs). That said, when I checked in, the seating chart looked damn packed. I’m crammed in the back, but hopefully, the middle seat will remain empty. Sigh. I’m so glad to be going home. Blue skies and a peaceful home with my babies.

Btw, I gotta give a shout out to TPE Terminal 2. Wifi throughout plus a library, galleries, and lots of opps for window shopping. Well done, Taipei, well done. A def step up flying on China Airlines vs. United. T1 is pretty rundown and ghetto.

Making it Out Alive

For my last day in Taiwan, it seems befitting that I have arrived at the airport SIX hours ahead of my departure time. Yes, I let the nagger win, bc I was too damn exhausted to fight.

Yesterday (Day 6) was actually a decent day: my aunts came over, and surprisingly, my mother agreed to leave the house and let the caretaker cook, clean, and chaperone my grandparents. We all rode the metro to the Cicao Sugar Fields, a touristy, historic preservation spot that used to be sugar plantations. The temps have been unusally hot lately even for this time of the year in Taiwan, but we managed to clock a few thousand steps walking around on some easy trails. Thank goodness for my youngest aunt: she’s the only one out of all my father’s siblings who appreciates the simple pleasures of life. She knows how to stay active plus maintain perspective and have some fucking fun. Everyone else is all about the struggle and suffering.

After our short outing, we hit up Hansin department store, bc my father tasked my oldest aunt with buying a portable heater for my grandparents. I think it’s total overkill, but my father “over-cares” for his elders, and then his siblings are always ready to help him when he asks so it will just be done.

Sometimes chores here seem so damn laborious though. I don’t know if it’s bc my aunts are low-tech or if Taiwan is inefficient. For example, dad wants to buy a heater similar to the one he bought my brother last year. I guess no one knows the brand, so we go to the store. They see what they want, but then they want to price check. Normally, I would just snap a pic of the model/brand and either 1) research online and maybe even buy/ship from online or 2) call around the area stores to see if the item is in stock and how much. Well, the way they do it here, they call their kids and ask them to go to the stores nearby to price check. WTF?!! Do you really need like four people to work on this task? And why can’t they just call the department store? I really don’t understand. I ask about the other methods of doing this research, but people just want to stick with their tried and true. So fine, buy the appliance the hard way. As it turns out, I called my oldest aunt twice today already, and both times she was out looking for this portable heater. Ridic. Then again, if everyone is retired, maybe this is the only way to get them out of the house? Who knows.

In other news, my face is breaking out again. A big boil on my nose. Ugh, I really need to get home ASAP.

That said, I did have a nice visit today with two of my younger cousins. They took us out to an Italian spot. It was tasty, and it was really nice to see them. Both cousins (they’re sisters) have young kids, and they are always so calm and patient. They drive like 4-5 hrs every other weekend to go home and visit their parents. Mind blown. And no one seems to mind sitting and hanging around with family. Sometimes I really wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I have to get so angry and irritable, esp around my family? I dunno. I have issues.

OMFG, it’s only 8p. I have so much time to kill. I am so tired. I guess I’ll go to the bathroom now and layer up for the flight. Maybe I’ll take off all the makeup and just get ready for bed. I’m pretty dang beat.