Category Archives: Family

V is for Vanity

Despite months of “I’m 40” self-proclamations, I officially turned 4-0 this week. So far, birthday week has been pretty good. I’ve gotten a few more bites on Rover (those lil’ doggies are my youth/energy elixir!!), and I was super stoked to receive my Schoola and Thredup shipments. I still can’t believe how fucking affordable used clothing (in great condition) is! I’m gonna be hard-pressed to ever pay for new clothing again. For realz.

On Monday, I met up with K for lunch at a new Italian place (new to us, anyhow). I consumed an incredibly filling meal. I got eggplant parm but the meal also came with salad plus we had cheesy bread plus pasta. Clearly, I’m going full hog this week. Oh well. I hadn’t seen K since last month’s Best Life getaway. I’d kinda gone into unabomber mode since, so I was bummed to hear that K’s been dealing with fam health issues the last several weeks. That health shit always crops up so unexpectedly and it’s fucking scary as hell, esp when lab results never turn up anything definitive. So frustrating, but at the same time, I’m comforted to see that in such emergencies, her people are thankfully well supported and well loved. It’s not always that way, which is a sad reality for many. More on caretaking later.

On my actual bday, I indulged in the world of free. Yup, just my style, right? I started off the day driving into San Mateo with Bubbey. We met M at her neighborhood Starbies, where I got a free chai latte. Then Bubs caught the train and M and I drove on up to Sonoma Mission Inn and Spa. As part of their Good Neighbor Program, I got free admission AND a free dessert. $60 Bubbey bucks, baby. Throughout the day, M hooked me up with food, drinks, and gifts while we gabbed and chilled by the pool. When I got home, Bubs prepped a whole fondue meal. Yeah, it’s pretty damn luxurious being the queen for the day. I lived it up while I could.

What else. Oh, the day before my bday, Bubbey decided to sit me down to go over parental talking points for my trip out to MD next month. Are you for realz with this buzzkill topic? All this heavy and serious shit, like what’s their real plan for Taiwan? Are they really never coming back to the US for any extended period? If so, how do they want to handle offloading all their stuff here? Next, I’m supposed to express gratitude for all that they’ve done for me and offer to take care of them when the time comes. Third, I need to reassure dad that I’ll care of mom should something happen to him. I was like, wtf? I am NOT ready to have those conversations. I mean, hello, remember that massive blowup (ok, just one of many) I had with my mother??? That was just a few months ago! I’m certainly not proposing that they come live near me much less with me. Not. right. now. Then, Bubbey proceeded to comment about how they’ve done so much for me and it’s my turn to return the help. I just started bawling. I know how much they’ve done for me, but at the same time, I never asked to be born. Yes, this sounds super immature and selfish but shit, I still don’t have my crap figured out. How am I supposed to take this on? And I know I have a blessed and privileged life, but to be honest, some days, I really wish I were never born. Like, I wish my mom had aborted me. That’s not to say any ONE thing in my insular world is that horrible, but like I have shared, sometimes I just feel so out of place in this world. Like I’m saddened and overwhelmed and paralyzed by things I see and learn and know.

I know the right answer. And in my mind, it has always been my intention to step up when my parents need me. It has never ever been a question in my mind or in my heart. But in recent months, I’ve just grown so frustrated, not just with my parents but also with seeing parent-child relationships elsewhere, like with my grandparents and my parents, with John’s family, and with other families… It can be a major royal fucking mess– bringing out the worst and/or the best in people. So to have that conversation now, like next month… I’m just not ready today. And maybe that’s the thing about Rover and Pinterest and whatever else is occupying my attention… no matter how complicated or difficult care is for elder dogs, they always accept your choices/decisions free of judgement and with gratitude. When I see the growing suspicion or distrust in parents towards their children, no matter how rarely it surfaces, it bugs the shit out of me. Like with my maternal grandmother towards my dad when he was selling her townhouse or like with my in-laws towards their kids who are trying to get instructions on what to do… I’ve heard and read that when people get old, the paranoia and distrust elevate bc that’s part of the cognitive decline. But it still just makes me feel badly (and angrily), bc I mean, do they think this is easy for the kids? To try and honor the parents’ wishes and to do right by them while also trying to keep their own lives and shit together??? It all just feels like a cruel joke. But ultimately, I know this is life. And fuck, I have it a gabillion times easier than most. So just buck up and get ‘er done.

Back to more light-hearted matters… My next Pinterest experiment is this floral jeans + t-shirt combo. I finally found floral jeans on ThredUp. Guess jeans for only $13!!! I’m wearing them now and somehow this combo doesn’t quite look as good. Hmph! Oh well, good enough!

Btw, I had a funny exchange the other day. My friend asked me if I’d gotten a boob job. Yup, lil’ ol me. What can I say? The power of clothes that fit and swimsuit tops with oomph! Who knew Lands End offered such magic! Regardless, a well-timed compliment just as I enter the 40s Club. Sure enough, I’m becoming vainer and vainer while the face and body get saggier and crinklier. Good times ahead, man.

Falling Fast and Hard

Last Saturday, after 11 days together, Ramona went home. No, this certainly wasn’t my first rodeo. That said, I haven’t cried about a pooch leaving in a very long while. The last time this happened, we dog sat Buddy, also for about ten or 11 days. Comparatively, Buddy was way more high maintenance due to his youth and boundless energy but still, I felt an overwhelming emptiness and sadness that took me several days to shake. And now it’s happened again with Ramona. Maybe ten days is the dangerous threshold. After that, I fall hard and fast. I dunno. I hope I’ll see Ramona again, but I’ll never really know. She was so damn soft and cute. 🙁

Thankfully, on Saturday afternoon I was scheduled to meet with a new Rover client, Lily. Her human had contacted me about a month ago, seeking care for his Border terrier. Last time our plans fell through bc I had appointments mid-day, and he said she really couldn’t be left alone. Like even for a couple hours? No. Like ever. Wow.

I was a little apprehensive, but the guy sounded like he was in a real bind. So I agreed to meet, and actually, Lily seemed fine– much better than expected. And now after spending the entire day with her, I feel like she’s not bad at all. Usually dogs with separation anxiety exhibit general neuroses, but Lily’s super mellow. He dropped her off this morning way early, like before 6am, and he came back for her at 11:30pm. She’s a smart little cookie, too. He didn’t think she’d know how to use the doggie door, and I dunno if maybe she learned in her earlier life (she’s a rescued show dog) or what, but today she watched Marty go in and out one time. The next thing I know, she’s jumping in and out of that thing all day to explore the backyard. These doggies… they are all so unique. I’m really enjoying hanging out with them during the day. I mean, it’s not all candy and roses: she did sneak a few bites of Martin’s food and then later proceeded to puke it all up on a towel, but other than that, pretty manageable. And in the future, I actually think she’ll be ok so long as Marty is home with her, bc in the afternoon I went to talk to the neighbors for ten minutes, and she didn’t freak out while I was out of sight! Lily’s dad also seems super nice. During the day, he texted to check in on her, he was clearly worried about her, and then he gave me a huge tip when he picked her up! You KNOW I’m loving my additional Bubbey bucks!

Overall, I’m feeling re-energized by my side hustles. Earlier today, I posted Bubbey’s iPad Air 2 on Ebay. I also posted my friend K’s fancy dress. I still need to post Bubbey’s old Mac Pro and wireless earbuds. Stepping up the Ebay store!

This afternoon, I was very excited to receive my second Schoola shipment. Almost every item worked out except for a striped blazer which felt a little too boxy/stuffy/conservative. Not gonna match my side shave, you know what I mean? Tomorrow I have a dental cleaning (one of only two annual ones– now that I’m on Bubbey’s cheapie dental coverage) and then lunch with K. I’m gonna wear my fancy Schoola shoes and aim to recreate this badass look. Yeah sadly, I’m no Charlize but heck, that doesn’t not gonna stop me from trying hard to be a wannabe. I did this combo the other day when M came over for the Warriors game. The Houseboat was hotter than hell that day, so I only showcased the outfit for like five sweaty minutes. Still, it turned out okay– an easy casual outfit for a cooler day. Note to self.

I’m starting to feel better about things. The Rover business def gets me excited and lifts my mood. Also, my parents are back in Taiwan so for now, no more daily OnStar calls. I spoke to dad yesterday and everyone in Taiwan is doing well. I’m going to aim for another trip to Asia in November.

Real estate wise, I (finally) took my class exam last week… the open book one. I didn’t do so hot– honestly, I ran out of time and had to skip a shit ton of questions– BUT I still passed, so the class certificate is mine! Muhahaha. Now, two more class certificates to go and then the license exam. It’s too bad none of my friends are transitioning to real estate; it sure would be fun to have a study buddy. Ok time to hit the sack. I’m tired!

Kidney Bean

Last week felt like a busy one. On Tuesday, I started my very first Rover stint. Yes, for a very long while, I was strongly prejudiced against little dogs (they can be so fucking yippy!), but after dog sitting Helix and Joey, I’ve been warming up to the idea of these compact and portable pups. So we’re about a week in now, and truth be told, Ramona has very quickly melted my heart. She’s so independent and sassy (like my Bembo), and despite being 13 y/o, she still likes to play. Even J was commenting that Ramona really has been quite the ideal Rover. She’ll well-behaved, doesn’t bark/yip, has excellent bladder control, and is just so darn cute without being overly demanding. Her pudgy body is so tiny too, I call her a little kidney bean, esp when she sleeps in fetal position (and snores like a mo fo!). I’m already feeling sad that she’ll have to go home next Saturday. As for Marty, he is doing better again: eating well, tracking me around the house, and he gets so happy about going to the park… The two pups don’t interact much, but I’ve noticed that for Marty, simply being in the presence of other dogs seems to lift his spirits.

In work-related news, as you know, I started applying for jobs at real estate offices and property management firms. I heard back from the one commercial outfit regarding their entry-level position. We had a good phone interview, but last Tuesday they decided to proceed with others. I was ok with it: after all, I did feel like being a receptionist/front desk person was not exactly my speed, even if only for a short period. Interestingly, I also heard back from a local realtor’s membership organization for their education coordinator gig. I interviewed with the head of PR and Comm on Friday afternoon. She was a very impressive lady, super well-connected and active in the community; we had a great conversation, but by Saturday, I decided joining a realtor’s association would only delay my entry into practice after earning my license. She was very kind, and responded immediately with a very personable reply, saying she had arrived at the same conclusion. She also noted that she was really impressed by my level of research and prep for the interview. Hee, hee. If only she knew: research is practically my middle name. Ha! Regardless, it was cool to get these two interviews under my belt. I will say, I’ve been pleased with the response to my applications. Initially, I was attributing the interest to my re-vamped resume (chronological now instead of functional format), but Bubbey suggested that since real estate is offentimes an industry for encore careers, the hiring people are much more curious and open to people with different backgrounds. Makes sense. I’ll take it!

In other news, I am making progress with the townhouse in MD that I’m planning to get on the market in mid-late July. I had a call Friday with the selling agent, who’s proposing some minor renovations to get things ready. I’m going to move forward on those to see if they’ll get us a higher sales price. I’ll be checking in on the project in person in July. At the same time, I’ll be helping my parents with posting/selling their furniture/possessions/furnishings and cleaning out their primary residence. I’ve booked 7 days back home around the July 4 holiday, and frankly, I’m dreading the trip…  John will stay back on Marty duty so it’ll be yet another unbuffered session with the parentals… I know, apparently the Volcano likes to play with fucking fire.[FAG id=7457]

Guinea Pig

I’ve been feeling a little down lately. Typically, these low phases are triggered by some combination of depressing world news, growing responsibilities with my parents, and feelings of isolation. My typical response to too many uncontrollable factors is to obsess over personal details (factors I can control), so I was pretty full speed ahead on this big Project Me program: I was going to the gym, changing up my makeup routine, trying out some new hair/skin products, re-coloring my hair, experimenting again with my wardrobe, and then also continuing with my real estate classes.

Last weekend, Bubbey was out of town again. He headed back East for his parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. Man, we were on such a great roll this past year and I was so excited about celebrating our many milestones in 2016. But now, in recent months, J’s gotten really busy at work and he’s had to travel a lot more for the job and for his family. By contrast, I spend most of my days relatively quiet, mainly hanging out with Marty, who has his own share of ups and downs. By the time Bubs gets home, he’s chatted out and I’m barely getting started. Sigh. These are the forgotten challenges that come up when one person is on sabbatical, I guess.

After I finished managing the HVAC project last week, I started feeling like maybe it was time to get back into a professional setting, so I sent out some resumes to positions in commercial and residential real estate offices. Despite my many years in project management and specifically with handling residential real estate matters for my parents, it seems that I’ll still have to start from the beginning. I had a pretty good phone interview on Thursday for an admin role with a commercial firm, but the HR lady cautioned that it was entry level with typically 2 years before advancement to the next step… J thinks I should just focus on getting my license and then ramp up immediately as a salesperson rather than waste any time in some admin role, but he also doesn’t seem to notice that I’m quietly withdrawing into oblivion. In the very least, I figure the gig will give me exposure to a new industry, and if it’s not particularly stressful or challenging, I’ll be able to prepare for the license exam while also maintaining work-life balance.

I have a big bday coming up, and even though our Best Life weekend was partly to celebrate my 40th, I thought J and I might still do something together in addition. Turns out, he’s headed back to NYC that week. Initially, he seemed excited about suggesting that I join him for the week, but later, as the project scope and details remained nebulous (with creep likely), it seemed like he wouldn’t necessarily be around. I’m pretty good about exploring a city solo, and I considered inviting my Boston bud to meet me in New York, but I dunno, ultimately, it just sounded like too much coordination and effort. I’m trying not to be upset about it… esp after I watch the news or read about other people’s lives in developing countries (@natgeo on Instagram), I feel totally lame for even complaining. Still, it’s upsetting to feel unappreciated and undervalued– both work-wise and relationship-wise. To combat my issues, I’ve been visiting Pinterest a lot lately, trying to get inspired and motivated.

Speaking of motivation, my kit from SmileClub Direct arrived, and I created my teeth molds. There were four total– two for the upper teeth and two for the lower teeth. What an interesting kit: for each mold, you mix the catalyst putty with the base putty, lay a tube of the mixture into the tray, and cram it into your mouth. Of course, I was a crazy person, so I read every single instruction and tip beforehand, bc I wasn’t about to fuck up my molds. Two chances, beotch. I will say, usually, I have a really high threshold before the gag reflex kicks in, but shit, there were a few times when all that mouth action triggered some heaving. Nonetheless, I think my molds turned out according to spec, and today SCD emailed me saying they received my molds. I cannot wait to get my sample trays (for free teeth whitening) and treatment plan soon. I’m pretty excited to see what comes back. This remote orthodontics thing could be pretty frickin’ cutting edge, no?

On another plus side, Marty has been doing well again. Still finicky with his appetite but he’s been following me around everywhere, watching my every move, and just overall paying attention. His eyes are clear and alert, and he bounces with excitement every time we go for walks and car rides. My little buddy. What would I ever do without him.

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Hunger

On Friday, I met with another realtor for an info interview. We’d formally met years ago while I was at the government agency, where she had been a long time volunteer. Prior to real estate, her background was in social work then corporate finance. I anticipated a brief meetup over coffee to discuss her experiences, but holy crap, she was such a fount of information! We talked for two hours!

I felt so inspired and motivated by her discipline, organization, and drive. Since my own “decision” months ago to pursue real estate, I’d been feeling reluctant and non-committal. Talking to K though, I related to her story of wanting to work in nonprofit but realizing it didn’t pay enough to make a decent living, then later becoming disillusioned with shit leadership in her corporate job… Interestingly, she came to see real estate as a way for her to help people (through a scary process) while also personally growing and thriving. As she detailed her preparation and steps before and during the transition, she very candidly admitted that her biggest motivation was fear. As someone who didn’t/doesn’t have a spouse to rely on, she HAD to make this work. She studied really hard, sacrificed dinners out with friends, hobbies, etc., and buckled down hard. Her advice? Learn the shit, take the tests, get the license, interview with tons of real estate offices, and hit the ground running, taking every opportunity possible to keep learning on the job. I mean, I consider myself pretty damn obsessed with learning/classes/professional development, but this lady kept a regular schedule of studying at the library, plus she read every book out there on succeeding during your first year in real estate. She took every training class, paid for a mentor even. We’re talking full. on. Her initial goal was to match her corporate salary the very first year out. Then, double her salary in year two. I mean, we’re talking aggressive, right? She met both goals.

Now five years out, she is incredibly successful and she’s finally taking some time to re-balance her life. She admits that real estate isn’t rocket science, but it does take sacrifice and hard work. And for people who think it’s easy and flex schedule… It isn’t: If you want to excel, you’re working evenings and weekends bc that’s when your clients are NOT at their jobs. For me, the takeaways from our conversation were multifold. I like this concept of controlling the pace. I like that there is tremendous potential for reward. I like that the role is very much about clients entrusting you with something important, not necessarily a life or death scenario, but still important. And I like the opportunities for training and leadership development. She also said there are a lot of women in real estate, which I think I would enjoy.

But the kicker realization I had from our conversation? I need to be hungry. Not that I’m a slacker, but goddamn, I need to step up my hustle, and put some real skin in the game. Immediately, my father comes to mind. And this lady… She had such a methodical approach: she stayed with the secure corporate job, did a shit ton of research, studied on the side, and THEN made the jump. If I’m honest, my privilege and past failures make me well, less methodical, less careful, and less conservative.

No doubt, my father is THE biggest hustler I know. And I’ve mentioned before that his drive and ambition was largely tied to his family’s mounting debts and dire financial situation. Sink or swim, baby! When I was younger (through college), I hustled hard, juggling a gabillion things: school, Chinese school, clubs, music, sports, volunteering, internships. When my hard work resulted in achievements, I grew obsessed with the hustle. But in college, all of it fell apart. The hard work stopped yielding those results, and I really felt like at 20, I had ruined the great life that I had originally planned. I know, it sounds overly dramatic, but it felt incredibly serious and paralyzing. Fast forward through all the years of family drama, expectations, my disfiguring acne… Somewhere I lost my shine and just dropped out of the “rat race.” Tired of being compared to my parents’ friends’ kids who were infinitely more accomplished, I convinced myself that I didn’t want to chase “success.”

Yet now, I’m coming to realize that despite my outward rejection, I will never be satisfied with myself until I attain some form of my idea of “success.” Sure, my concept is nebulous and non-specific: Is it a number? Maybe it’s just a feeling, a feeling where I am exceptional at something and that something requires learning and expertise. I work hard for it, but ultimately, there is appreciation and compensation for that effort. Perhaps real estate is the arena where all these elements can come together. Maybe.

Friday’s meeting sparked something else inside me. Even as I have been studying the books and listening to real estate podcasts, I’ve been feeling increasingly anxious about the class tests and the license exam. (Can you tell how much college destroyed me?) People say real estate has a super low barrier of entry, but I still worry about mastering the material and passing the license exam, which is why I think I’ve been so damn noncommittal when talking about real estate. I need to be more decisive with this new path. Stop wavering or dilly dallying bc of my fears of the academics (among other things). I have to learn it. I will learn it. There is no other option. I have to be hungry.

OnStar

J has many nicknames for me, but the latest one (after “volcano”) is “OnStar,” bc doing shit for my my parents is a 24/7 kinda thing. They are relying on me more and more for everything and anything, from researching vendors and contractors to tech troubleshooting to reviewing contracts to finding things to do for out of town guests. This afternoon, I called them back and I swear, every time I speak with my mother, it’s like talking to a wall. She can’t process a damn word that I say. I mean we might as well just do FaceTime and play charades, bc clearly sharing TWO languages in common doesn’t help one bit. Five minutes today just to explain “I just returned from lunch with a friend.” Seriously. You did what? Did you host a party? What did you cook? How many people came over? WTF???? Lunch. With ONE friend. Please fucking LISTEN.

Once we got beyond the basics, I learned that they have finally started clearning out some junk. Nevermind that I’ve been telling them to do this for YEARS. My dad had his realtor (the one who sold grandma’s house) tour the house, and she said you have way too much stuff in here: get rid of the clutter and definitely clear out the furniture. Now, my parents have really nice, expensive, quality furniture and furnishings. Like solid cherry and mahagony and whatever. Legit Persian rugs and shit. Sadly, what they originally paid for stuff is irrelevant. In fact, I’ve read several articles about the baby boomers downsizing and how that process takes them way longer than expected, bc they think people will want to readily buy their quality shit and their kids will want the family heirlooms. But the truth is, lifestyles are different now. People move around; people don’t even have formal dinning rooms anymore, so there’s no use for a big ass dining room set, not to mention formal china and silver and cabinets to store and display all that crap. Still, these realities take a long time to sink in for the generations who acquired them. For example, my mother-in-law is simply sick with worry about what will happen to all the Civil War era (and other) things that got passed down to her, like the wedding china/silver from her ancestors… It IS sad, bc stuff back then was of great quality and craftsmanship. But styles change, and people don’t value old things like they used to. So yes, the stuff that was once prized is basically now just junk.

In many ways, it’s an environmentalist’s nightmare, right? The insane success of the IKEA movement: Stuff made fast and cheaply, serving a fickle generation that craves changing looks, changing designs, disposable things. Even when I was a kid though, formal dinnerware never made sense to me. Beautiful, gorgeous bone china or porcelain just taken out once a year and otherwise left to gather dust? I looked up their Noritake Barrymore collection on EBay. A huge 4-person set sells for like $150 max, and then you gotta ship that shit. Mom kept asking if I wanted to fly back. Um, no. What, so I can clean your house? I mean, it wasn’t the nicest thing to say, but I dunno, sometimes it’s annoying that I get tasked with all the shit and chores and dirty work, and then what the fuck does my brother have to do? Not a damn. thing. She insisted it was to see what I might want. I mean, other than one Scandanavian lounger that J and I are storing there and a silk rug, there’s pretty much nothing else. Now sure, I have my own shit from childhood and from Reston there. I will have to clear the rest of it out eventually. But I just can’t imagine going through everything while dealing with my mother. She claims that since I never want her clothes (minor jab), she gave all kinds of clothes to the realtor’s daughters and granddaughters. Um, I have no idea what young people would want with outdated and/or old people clothes but whatever. She insists that the realtor took the items happily. Fine. Let’s see if the youngins actually take it from the realtor. Whatever. Maybe I will go over when they are overseas and just spend a week there selling shit.

Ugh, then there’s the whole realtor thing. I’m handling the sale of one of the townhouses. As I discussed with dad, the point was to try out my realtor and if he did well, have him sell the family home. Well now it seems like they are going to go with the Chinese lady who sold my grandparents’ house. Why didn’t you just say you wanted to go with her from the start? Then, the townhouse was supposed to be empty by end of May. Moved back to mid June bc the tenants asked to finish out the school year. Now, it’s end of June. I mean, stop moving the fucking target date!! Either shit is getting done, or shit is dragging out.

Meanwhile, there is still no resolution on what to do with my maternal grandparents. They are currently living with my dad’s dad so all the oldies are in one place. But my mother says when she and dad go back to Taiwan for a month in May, her parents will be moved back to my parents’ house in Kaohsiung to live with them, and then what, the oldies move back to my dad’s dad’s place after my parents come back to the US in June? That’s what I’m saying. Fucking make a decision and go! And mom makes some comment like dad is not of strong enough health to be schelpping things and movin things. Um, yeah you’re just realizing this now? You are the one who worked him to a fucking nub!! Needless to say, I’m stressed again.

And Martin is not eating today. I went to Costco and picked up a whole case of fluids. Gave him 350 ml, so he’s conked out. Even if we tweak things to help his kidneys out, his back legs are wobbly. I hate to say it, but I think we’re down to the last month. I mean, I have been wrong before, but that’s what I’m thinking today.

Long Night, New Day

I had an awful night’s rest yesterday. Marty was appearing visibly weaker (even the neighbors agreed), and his appetite was not coming back. J and I started talking about how this setback was seemingly different… In the past, it just took fluids and/or a quarter pill of mirtazipine, and his appetite would come back with a vengeance. Not. this. time. He is also starting to sleep even more soundly than before, something I remember Remy started to do towards the end. Some sign like the body is shutting down. I couldn’t sleep. I tried to distract my mind by studying my real estate book, by reading about the Bernie sham (I support Clinton), by reading about the ethics and legality of password sharing (As much as I’m into deals and saving money, I’m not comfortable with this), by thinking about all the things I need to do (should I order Marty’s fluids by the case?). Yeah, I was up late.

Eventually, I did fall asleep, but then I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I dreamed that my grandmother had died. In my dream, the entire cascade of shit communication with my family (immediate and extended) began, rife with confusion and misunderstanding and paralysis.

This morning, we had an appointment with a contractor to talk about the heating/cooling unit for the master bedroom. I know, that project is dragging ass– mainly bc the vendors are so vague with their estimates and also, the estimates are all over the fucking place. This was my final quote though. $5500. Comparable to another quote, but $2k more than a third one. We will likely proceed soon, bc Bubbey needs his AC this summer. 

After the contractor left, Marty woke up and to my pleasant surprise, he ate his food. What a fucking relief. Is he coming around again? Too early to tell. Now to see if he’ll go to the bathroom. I haven’t seen solids for two days. I was relieved with this latest bit of good news though, and then I went back to bed.

I awoke again past noon. I haven’t slept in this late in a long, long time. I still feel tired, but I gotta get moving. Gremlin juice (Diet Coke) is in order and then back to the gym. I’ve been doing the elliptical now, bc I can listen to my real estate podcasts and well, to be honest, I’m yearning for my Shanghai days of fitness when I could do cardio for 45 min easy.

Sweating with the Oldies

So it’s been three days since we returned from Europe, and we are still jet lagged, though slowly getting closer to normalcy. Bubbey started off waking up at 2 am on Monday, then 3 am on Tuesday, and now 4 am today. As soon as he gets home from work, he eats dinner and crashes. I have been doing a little better– but still waking up earlier than my usual. Meanwhile, my right eye continues to twitch like a mofo. It all started the day I arrived in London. I thought it was caused by me wearing my contacts for the long flight (10 hrs) and beyond. My eyes got super dry, but even after using drops for days and skipping contacts altogether since returning,  that shit is still spasming. We’re talking two weeks now. I did my WebMD research on this and it seems that the causes are primarily stress, fatigue, wind, caffeine, physical exertion, alcohol. Hmm, I mean I’ve been cranky lately but would I say stressed? The other elements, however, do apply. But that’s never been an issue before. Fuck man, I can feel it: this is 40. I’m getting screwed again.

Motivated by yet another expiring Groupon, I decided that exercise might be the answer once again. Yesterday, I opened up my one-month membership at the JCC. That facility is fucking monstrous, linked with a big retirement community and everything. Two floors, two pools (the indoor one is heated to 87 degrees!!), two saunas in each locker room, and a shit ton of classes. Originally, my plan was to do the yoga classes and then wade around in the pool. But looking over the class schedule, I thought I would try Aqua Stretch this morning, you know, two birds, one stone kind of deal. So this morning, I was up early and made it to the 8:30 am class. I mean, I dunno what I was expecting but all old white women. Ok, well there was one younger lady (I think she was autistic) and one Asian lady. Both of whom left early and the class was only one hour! In the few minutes I spoke to the Asian lady, she said she’d just returned from Europe (I said, “Me too.”) and asked if I bought any luxury goods (like Longchamp bags or whatever that brand is) during my trip. Jesus Christ, am I the only person who’s NOT into luxury goods?!?

Class wasn’t too hard, so it was a nice intro into fitness again. I liked doing the movements in the water, but I’m not really digging the class thing (with the oldies). I dunno, I guess I’m ageist. Afterwards, I figured I would live it up with the amenities. I took a shower there, used the shampoo and bath gel, used the hair dryer and q-tips, stepped into the sauna. Fuck yeah. Granted, there are a lot of naked bodies everywhere which makes a prude like me a tad bit uncomfortable. Then again, I can’t be kept away from my free shit. Haha. I guess I also got good training/exposure to this kind of environment when I joined the fancy gym in Shanghai years ago. Back then, the bathroom/showering facilities were much nicer than our apartment, so I did all my bidness there (after working out, of course). Yeah, I was fucking fit when I was in Shanghai. Sigh.

After luxuriating in the amenities of the JCC, I went home. Dad called. He has friends visiting in May, and he asked me to research fun things for them to do. See? Fucking OnStar over here. But on the plus side, not a single mention about my career/job. This is a record, man! Not since I left SCU at the end of January. I’ve been wondering whether this is deliberate bc he doesn’t want to stress me out, or if given his and my grandparents’ health issues, he no longer believes that stuff matters above all else. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a combo of both. I haven’t even told them I am studying real estate.

My sweet friend M came over today for lunch. She’s so thoughtful. Remembers everything– she’s a tracker like I am. Brought over lunch to celebrate my wedding anniversary. She’s got a fun project going on, and she’s always so freaking disciplined with working out. Super fit and now she’s on some Whole 30 diet that’s uber hard core. She’s sitting there eating a salad while I’m packing away the chips, beans/cheese, AND burrito. That kind of willpower is no games, man. Even in the presence of pure gluttony. SMH.

Tonight, Bubs and I are going out to dinner for our anniversary. Man, can’t believe it’s been 13 years. Then again, it also kinda feels longer than that. Sigh. The wild and crazy life I gave up to be with Bubs. Sacrifices, man. My Chinese peeps better be eating that shit up, bc hell yeah, the struggle is real. 😛

Coaching by Bubs

John and I have this inside joke where we always say Bubbey’s social intelligence skills are “world class”… And frankly, I guess it’s not really even a joke, bc there’s a lot of truth to it. In fact, in every single one of his jobs, that’s consistently one of the key compliments Bubs receives from leadership. Even for his very first job out of college, one of the top dogs pulled him aside to tell him that his blend of technical acumen PLUS social intelligence was a real gift that would take him far. Dude called it. My Bubbey is a superstar.

So how did he develop those world class skillz? He hypothesizes that growing up in a large family really helped him build strong awareness and perception, and esp given how passive and stubborn (world class in their own right) his parents are, he really honed some sophisticated skills of communicating in ways that make people feel supported rather than threatened, judged, or criticized. Additionally though, he also read a ton of books on difficult conversations and on managing people… Particularly early on when he was getting his feet wet in management. I should probably read those books; then again, why read them when I can get the Bubbey Cliff’s Notes?Interestingly, my family operates in the exact opposite manner of John’s family. No topic is off limits. We say whatever we want when we want, and there is zero fucking tact. If you think something, so long as it’s the (or YOUR) truth, it gets conveyed without any sugarcoating and regardless of whether or not the message is painful or hurtful. Hmm, perhaps that explains my proclivity towards radical honesty?

Ultimately, I think there is a time and place for both strategies, but it requires high level awareness in determining the appropriate method given the situation. Needless to say, throughout all my dramas, Bubs has definitely been a crucial adviser.

Recently, I was telling John how handling all my parents’ transactions and logistics was really starting to frustrate me, and moving forward, I wanted to have a conversation with my dad about fully taking over some of his projects. In the last few months, it’s just really become apparent that things are too much for him to handle. For me, part of the frustration stems from serving more in an administrative/secretarial capacity on these tasks… Couple the middleman/messenger role with dad’s total lack of tech savvy and things are super cumbersome and inefficient. So John said he thought that was a good idea, but I should discuss it in a very acknowledging and gracious way. Yeah, yeah. So yesterday, I called my dad and asked if he had moved forward like he had mentioned, and contacted the agent I researched regarding one of his townhouses. He had not. So I asked if wanted me to handle the sale. He agreed. Done. I think dad was procrastinating a little about telling his current agent (who helped with renting out the unit) that he wouldn’t necessarily be using him, but I just took care of it: Dad’s health isn’t good; he’s handing the project over to me, and I have my own agent from when I lived back East.

Later that day, I told Bubs that I had the conversation with dad and the situation was handled. Then, Bubs goes into a whole thing, asking if I had acknowledged dad for all that he has done for me and expressed gratitude for all that he has taught me and if I showed a willingness to take the reins to make the process more efficient for him… Blah, blah, blah. All of the sudden, the Love Withholder’s got a whole book of unsolicited advice?!?! No, I didn’t say any of that. I just asked if he wanted me to take on all aspects of the project, and he agreed and that’s that. Sheesh. 

But that’s the one good thing about my relationship with my dad. Unlike with my mother, I don’t have to defend my intentions. He already knows where I’m coming from. It’s like when I get pissed about my mother and all her neuroses, he knows it’s bc I worry about the consequences on his health. Her health too, but she’s even more resistant to change. And when I lose my patience with him for not downsizing or simplifying fast enough, he knows it’s not bc I’m trying to bully him out of the country or whatever. It’s bc I feel an urgency and I want him to start living freer and healthier immediately. Bub continued to give me crap, saying I could still go back and give those acknowledgements… Whatever. I’ll see. Sure, it would probably be a nice added gesture, but with my dad, actions are way more important than words. That’s his top love language, and no surprise, it’s mine as well. Like father, like daughter.

Chinese Parents

I’ve watched this video three times, and every damn time, I cry tears of pain, anger, and frustration. When I first watched, the subtitles were limited to just a few scenes, and I had to watch again to better capture the full dialog. So many of the most heartbreaking moments weren’t translated… But now this version is complete.

I cry bc this video illustrates just how integral Chinese parents link their happiness to their childrens’ life choices. It reminds me of something I once read regarding Tiger Moms: something to the effect that American parents just want their kids to be happy. Chinese parents just want their kids to be accomplished.

For sure, Chinese culture is all about struggle and sacrifice, and yet the irony is that while the parents sacrifice to give their kids a better life, payback is a royal beotch. And ultimately, what the parents demand back is ridiculously selfish.

It just kills me, watching the mother explain that bc her daughter is not very pretty, that’s why she’s leftover. (Insert nervous laugh… also a very Chinese thing.) And then that dad?? Jesus, basically saying her status is going to be the cause of heart problems for him… It just makes me sick. And I thought Catholics had the guilt thing down.

Some of the women choose to be single and are fine with it, except that the peanut gallery won’t fucking stop harassing them. In the cases where the women clearly want to find love but just haven’t (and surely it already upsets them), now in addition to the existing disappointment, they’re criticized for embarrassing the family, for causing the parents shame and heartbreak, and for deliberately depriving their parents of a fulfilling life. Sound familiar? It’s goddamn exhausting. That’s the annoying thing about filial piety: singledom (and child-free living) is a form of disrespect.

And then that scene where the daughter breaks down and apologizes to her parents… Argh, the whole thing is just so wrong! I’d like to send this video to my parents to show them how ridiculous and hurtful they and their family can be; then again, they’ll probably totally miss the point and just insist that the video reaffirms how important their stance is. I mean, the video itself is supposed to be uplifting at the end, with the parents seeing the true beauty and strength of their daughters, but I dunno: I’m skeptical. Those values are fucking deeply engrained. No quotes or profiles posted in a public park gonna trigger an epiphany. Just saying: these days, I have very little faith.