Category Archives: Family

Real People

My friends sometimes make fun of me, bc every now and then, I kinda get attached to celebrities I follow on tv shows and on social media. Like J always talks about back in the day when I was obsessed with the show Felicity. Many of the characters irked the shit out of me with their crappy decision-making, but in some odd way, they kinda felt like my friends. As soon as that show ended, I can honestly say, I was heartbroken, and I missed the characters.

Now, as a legit adult, I def have more distance and separation with tv people/characters, but despite all the comments from J and my friends reminding me that everything I watch/follow is fake or staged or scripted, I still reserve final judgement for myself. Sure, I get it: there are gurus I follow for style, makeup, fashion, home ideas… Flippant content. I understand that nearly all of their posts are, you know, heavily post-processed and perhaps selected by a team member or whatever, and strongly intended to push product. After all, marketing is marketing. But still, even among those people who recommend products for compensation (and really, what is wrong with that?), I still believe these individuals are real and authentic. In other words, I appreciate their craft and their profession. Maybe it encourages consumerism or whatever, but when I read their blog posts, I often discover that they are real people with similar fears and worries and concerns.

Some examples? I follow Emily Henderson and Gal Meets Glam. I enjoy the beautiful pictures of beautiful places and beautiful things. But as much as people want to dismiss these women for doing work that’s superficial or meaningless or shallow, is there anything wrong with having a passion that is simply creating beautiful things vs. say, helping refugees or empowering the disenfranchised? Sure, there is a palpable difference in terms of gravity of work but at the same time, not everyone is cut out for emotionally taxing work. And ultimately, isn’t the bigger concept really about happy people showing others what is possible for this life, however each one of us chooses to live it? I also argue that even if people value the work of these bloggers differently, that doesn’t mean they are vacuous people. So many bloggers I read share stories about their professional path or their personal journeys. They adopt the abundance mentality and encourage others to take risks to try new things. They are open and supportive. They share their big life decisions, and I am reminded that I am not alone in my struggles to figure things out. 

A few days ago, I read this post by stylist Emily Henderson about her marriage. Initially, I thought it was going to be some sappy, cheesy love story, blah, blah. But as I read on, the post was more about their struggles and growth together… there was something so raw and real about it. It’s so easy to look at her gorgeous social media pictures and to think that everything is seamless or flawless. But she keeps it real about how relationships go up and down, get hot then cold, and for so many of us, depression is a debilitating hindrance. After reading their story, I felt encouraged and supported. Yes, with social media, we often try to showcase our best lives almost exclusively, but is that really any different from when we go on that first date or have that job interview or attend a friend’s bday party? There is a time and a place for the things that weigh us down. The curation doesn’t mean what we project is fake. It means we select when we want to emphasize the good and when we want to confront the bad.

When I was in college, I remember going to the campus coffee house for an open mic night. My brother was a regular performer there and that day, he read something he wrote about our family. It included dialog of me and my parents. We came across whiny and unsupportive. Immediately, I started crying. How could he expose our dirty laundry to strangers? These people don’t even know us! He couldn’t even understand why I was so upset, but I felt embarrassed. How far I have come since then, right? 

With my previous (anonymous) blog, I wrote often about my parents, my brother (oh, the irony!), and my marriage. I remember a childhood friend who followed the blog was so shocked by the exposure: she said it was so personal; she would never feel comfortable revealing so much. And I’m sure if my parents read these things, they would be equally horrified. But ultimately, this is the human experience and frankly, why should we be surprised? Don’t we all know that people have conflicts with their families and friends and coworkers and whatever? Who are we really trying to fool or protect by sharing only the good stuff?

I know Emily Henderson is not my friend. We don’t know each other. We’ve never met. Still, her post resonated with me, bc it reminded me that we all have our issues. We are all trying to figure things out. Like her husband, I’m so proud of J and his professional success. But I feel immensely sad and sorry for myself, bc I have not yet hit my career stride. Like Emily’s spouse, I am still trying and still reaching, hoping that one day things will be different.

How About Law School?

I called my dad this evening to catch up. The last time we’d spoke, he was having a personal pity party while also arguing with my mother, so needless to say, I was feeling pretty frustrated with both of them. About a week and a half have passed since, and thankfully, he is sounding better. I gave an update on the Walkersville townhouse (we’re trying to schedule closing for after I return from Taiwan…). He’s been watching some new Taiwanese programming online and then tending to the yard, running errands, tracking his stocks, etc.

My grandparents in Taiwan seem to be on the upswing again. Even though the original plan for my upcoming trip was to consider moving my maternal grandparents to a formal elder facility in Taipei, it now seems that that transition plan will be unlikely. My dad’s sisters insist the current situation with all three oldies living in one place is manageable, esp with the help of two live-in caretakers, so the status quo might just end up being the easiest thing. Plus, I got wind that my brother is not returning phone calls (what’s new) and to be honest, if he were the only relative leaving nearest my grandparents’ senior facility should they relocate to the campus in Taipei, that would be a fucking disaster, bc ultimately, Jgo is unreliable as fuck. Just sayin’.

Other news: dad is most likely going to just use his usual realtor for selling his primary residence. As it turns out, I probably had a mismatch with the Walkersville agent anyway, so just as well: dad will simply continue working with a known quantity who also happens to speak Chinese. Remember when we said his house was going to go on the market next year? Well I was thinking like April or May 2017. Nope, his agent is advising that they clear out the insides and list in February/March. Uh, good luck with that accelerated timeline. Clearly, she has no idea what she’s dealing with.

Meanwhile, after my bud N headed out to LA on Thursday, I met with a local practicing broker on Friday (part of my plan to start networking now…). We had a good meeting: I followed up with a thank you and a “yes, I’d love to attend some of your office’s upcoming trainings,” to which she invited me… During our meeting, I floated the internship/job shadow/assistant idea, but she said realty offices hire assistants for like 2-3 year chunks, so my best next move while awaiting my license is really to attend office trainings and meet the other colleagues. Ok, cool with me.

But damn, I am getting antsy as fuck about not bringing in some more dough. Yes, I have another Rover assignment coming up, but with our traveling, my schedule isn’t super conducive. Naturally, I started creeping around on the Craigslist job boards, and I was getting sucked into some personal assistant/travel planning gigs. J thinks they are a total waste of time and energy (I should be ramping up for real estate…), but I like planning and organizing, and I’m good at it… I guess we’ll go to Portland and then I’ll come back and re-assess. I just feel like I need some more side hustle. That was always my thing in college: I just did better when I had a busy schedule with a lot of side jobs.

But back to my call tonight with dad. Mom is undergoing a bunch of tests: biopsies and a CAT scan. A few weeks ago, doctors found a speck on her lung and ulcers in her esophagus. My dad doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about bc back in their day, the TB inoculations often caused scarring on the organs, but just to be sure, they are doing tests. The doctor is slated to review the results in mid October.

Mom and Dad had also recently stopped their daily walking routine, bc the weather back home was so blistering hot and muggy, but dad said they started walking again this week. Then, for whatever reason, I dropped my bomb: I told dad about my real estate plans. I wasn’t really nervous about it or anything. I just didn’t want to tell him earlier bc I didn’t want him harassing me about studying for the class and whatever.  Not surprisingly, he thought it was a good idea, and after I told them I’d already completed the three required classes and am awaiting the test date, he sounded even more thrilled.

Of course, that didn’t stop him from making the inevitable comment: “Did you look at other jobs?” Um, yeah I’d already looked at all the digital comm jobs and decided I didn’t want to continue in that line of work doing jobs in nonprofit. He then clarified what he was really asking, “Have you thought about law school?” And there it was AGAIN. Jesus fucking Christ. He has been mentioning law school since I was in engineering graduate school in 1998. Every damn time: No, I’m not interested in more schooling. Oh, it’s only two years. No, it’s THREE years. Plus, every lawyer I know HATES the job. EVERY damn one says it is their most expensive mistake.

It’s fine. I’m not angry or anything, but it’s just another example of where my parents sometimes just push their agenda without listening to what I’m telling them. I get it: he works with lawyers and the work doesn’t seem that hard and they make boatloads of money. But still, it’s not like I’m my friend J who like takes law classes for fun or reads about Supreme Court judgements for fun… Anyway, Dad did insert the whole, “You do what’s right for you” disclaimer at the end. And regardless, I think he is pleased that in the very least, real estate will be practical should J and I consider personal real estate investments in the future… Always pragmatic, right?

What else. Oh, I had a very pleasant discovery the other day. You know how I’ve been doing the whole Upromise thing? Well, I used it back in May for our VRBO Best Friends booking, and the way I read the cashback deal, I would just get $10 for the booking. Well, as it turns out, I got like 10% of my booking (~310) on top of the $10!! Woo hoo!! So far, I’ve earned over $1200 in just under two years with Upromise. Not too shabby!

Finally, an update on Marty care: After reaching out to like 8 sitters for mid October availability, I met with a sitter this morning who’s game for living on the Houseboat while we’re in Taiwan. She also appeared utterly unfazed by Martin’s fragile condition. So we’re going to try her out in early October for our two-day trip to Tahoe (my final Southwest flight before getting my prized Companion Pass!) and then see how that goes. He’s been doing pretty well but those back legs, man… Today, I saw glimpses of Remy’s decline. But we’re just going to plug along for as long as he’ll plug along. I hope he’ll be ok when we’re in Portland for a few days.

Back to the Gym

After Bubs and I nearly died gasping for air in Aspen, we returned home kinda scared straight. Time to get back to the damn gym and build up that cardio, right? J had been pushing to join Equinox in Palo Alto bc his sister S is a member of the SF facility. It’s super swanky and posh, it has the free Kiehl’s products and whatever. On the other hand, I was voting for the JCC bc I just used it in June/July as part of a Groupon, it’s cheaper, and it’s super close to home.

We toured both facilities last weekend, and the winner is the JCC! Woo hoo! I mean, the decision actually ended up being a no brainer bc the Equinox is just way pricey ($190/month pp!) plus they don’t have indoor bball courts or a dry sauna. And their pool is tiny. Add to that, a 12-month minimum membership… uh, sorry, not gonna happen.

So we’ve been hitting the gym every day since joining. For the first time, I tried circuit training on these machines called TechnoGym. Wow, super smooth, natural movement! What an improvement from the Nautilus machines of my college years! Another day we did the spin class– the first class ever for Bubs and the first cycling class for me. What a nightmare!! I do NOT like to work out to the point of exhaustion. For reals, this body’s got zippo endurance and stamina and while I want to become healthier, I’m not trying to be a ninja warrior or anything. Of course the instructor was super nice and helpful, getting us all set up in the beginning with adjusting the bike. Afterwards, she told us to come back within the week for class 2, bc if we give the body too much time off, it’ll have to start from scratch again. Huh?

I’m really disappointed bc I don’t think this form of exercise is for me (my ass got so fricking numb!!), but someone in the class said she lost 15 lbs. in a month from spin class. And J seems to like it, so I guess I’m going to try and be a supportive spouse. There’s a class scheduled for this afternoon, and I’m going to dig out my padded shorts (that I used before for horseback riding)… Ugh.

Goodbye August

Monday was the one year anniversary of M’s passing. J and I went up to SF to visit S. She was meeting up with some people at the neighborhood bar, so selfishly, I was dreading a repeat of the 5-hr. drinking session with hoards of people… Luckily, the bar was super quiet with only about five people at our table. We chatted for a bit. M’s best friend scrolled through some pictures and reminisced. I honestly can’t believe it’s been a year. Time just keeps speeding on by.

S appeared well. Like I’ve said before, it’s nearly impossible to really know. Even in rare vulnerable moments, she’s incredibly composed. I often wonder where she derives this strength… so many times I see compassion, forgiveness, and gratitude in her where others might instead display anger, blame, and resentment.

She took the day off and went for a hike with some friends. After about 40 minutes at the bar, J and I headed back to her apartment. She’s redecorating again with fresh paint, new curtains, new outdoor loungers, a cool new coffee table. Like her sisters, she has a real knack for interior decorating. She also recently got a new car, swapping her super old SUV for a very adorable Cooper Mini convertible. That backseat is hella small, but what a fun and energetic ride! Her work is going very well. She continues to move up and travel a ton. I can’t believe the holiday shopping season is upon us again…

S’s life sounds really busy. I wonder how she has so much energy and positivity? Isn’t she tired? What can I learn from her to apply to my life, you know? I’m in a bit of a funk bc I feel like I’m less useful these days, esp since I’m no longer a part of a team or workplace. That said, I don’t miss the office politics and the whole autopilot of doing unimportant crap. I dunno, just need to get that license and get cranking.

My parents just got back from a six-day jaunt in the mountains via a Chinese-run tour bus service. Their itinerary started in Denver, CO and went through WY, SD, ID, and UT. Dad recruited his best friend and his wife from Ohio, so hopefully the four of them had a blast. Meanwhile, I did succeed in getting that pest control guy to credit dad the $70 charge. It took a few calls and texts, but I remained calm and basically reiterated that if traps were removed last July 2015 and no additional work/visits were done since, it really didn’t feel right to be charged for no services rendered. Another small victory for OnStar.

As for my real estate agent, things are kinda weird now. Somehow bumping heads over the August offer just didn’t sit well with either of us. I was also disappointed to discover last week that the house wasn’t posted on various platforms where it was supposed to appear. Back in July when the house was first listed, I’d received automated email/text notifications saying that the house was posted/advertised to several social media platforms. Then, when I checked FB, Twitter, Craigslist, etc. last week, I didn’t see it. WTF, people?!? The point of a project management system is to remind you to complete the tasks, not just check the box without actually doing the work! So I worked with the admin to make sure the house was posted at least on CL. But even after all that, the third open house last weekend yielded only one couple. I suppose that jives with what the experts say: open houses aren’t that helpful anymore bc most buyers do all their research online. Still, it’s hard for me to totally adopt that philosophy when our townhome in Reston sold via open house as did my grandmother’s house in Rockville. Different locales, different audiences maybe.

That’s the other thing: Walkersville seems like a whole other world. Based on my newbie research, there are like a disproportionate number of foreclosures in Walkersville. Argh! I guess the good news is that the open house couple is interested. They are in the process of getting qualified, so we’ll see if they submit an offer. Last week the previously interested couple came back (about 3 weeks later) with basically a repeat of their old offer. I thought that was odd, so I countered with my old offer thinking they were re-starting negotiations. I guess I should have gone back giving up more, but my agent didn’t provide any commentary, so my bad. We’ll see how things go the next few weeks. I dunno. It’s awkward not being on the same page. Live and learn, I guess.

Conflict Management

I have to say, one of the most challenging things about adulting is conflict management. Sure, I’ve had a lot of experience growing up with my crazy Chinese family, dealing with their steady stream of unsolicited radical honesty, but I dunno, conflict with family is always different (at least for me) from conflict with the world.

I mean, it’s no secret that I have a temper.My mother always explained that she was super stressed and unhappy during her pregnancy with me, so Vicky the fetus got bombarded with negative hormones and juices. Yep, I practically bathed in that shit. In my father’s younger years, he also had a really short fuse… So I guess you could just blame genetics.

Needless to say, my family has always triggered the worst behavior in me, with well, what I would describe as fits of rage. In the working world though, I always managed to keep my temper in check. It probably helped that the triggers were less inflammatory and the issues were less personal. Still, no matter how often conflict has found me, it still makes me uncomfortable and nervous and uneasy. I may appear outwardly calm about it, but inside, it’s just eating away at me. Curse of the overthinking mind, right?

So yesterday, I had another restless night. First, I kept hearing noises and I just felt somewhat fearful and quasi-unsafe. Like mentally, I was freaking myself out about an intruder or whatever. Then I was stressing again about my real estate class and how I’m behind schedule and how am I gonna get this shit done and how am I gonna be an agent. Fucking self doubt.

This morning, my realtor called at 8:30a. I immediately rolled out of bed and answered the phone trying to sound like I’d already been up and running for hours (!!). He basically called to revisit our last conversation. For 15 minutes, he urged me again to drop the price more and re-engage the last interested party. Back and forth, we went. I talked about new properties in the neighborhood that just got listed (they’re listed even higher), the open house scheduled for Sunday, how my grandmother’s house sold for asking after sitting on the market for months… He just kept saying I should trust his expertise, and a deal shouldn’t fall through over $2k. The whole time I was reluctant but finally, I agreed to an “attempt to re-engage.”

After I got off the phone, I kept replaying that shit in my head. Why is he in such a rush? Why do I feel bullied? Later in the morning, I talked to Bubbey. He said it wasn’t about trust or questioning the agent’s expertise. It’s a disagreement on the market value. The agent says one thing. I say another. But J reiterated that the agent is my representative. He can argue his case, but ultimately, it is MY decision. And that’s where I need to assert my position more strongly. Bubbey, man: world-class EQ, I tell you. His point was good one, and I think part of all this stress is that the conflict and style of exchange has been bothering me since last week… But J was right. It’s not an emotional thing. I put in money for the renovation. I’ve been managing this property for years and in the end, I want top dollar for it. End of discussion. Whew. Are you feeling my growing anxiety over here? The good thing about me? I do what has to be done. I will have the conversation or discussion that no one wants to have (e.g. Eating disorder intervention, alcoholism intervention, what have you).

So I emailed my agent. Yes, a call probably would have been better but it’s past 5p over there and I’m better in written form. So I stated my position more strongly and now, the ball is back in the agent’s court. Stay tuned.

Meanwhile, my dad called this afternoon bc he got into some feud with the pest control company. Long story short, last summer, there was a squirrel problem at the townhouse, so dad signed up for pest service. I guess the seasonal plan auto-renews, which he didn’t know bc he didn’t read the fine print on the back of the contract. So this July kicked off the new season and dad got a bill. He called the corporate office. Then the local office. Then, the local manager. They argued back and forth for 20 minutes, and my dad claims the guy said “fuck you” a bunch of times and then hung up. So who gets called in to resolve this issue? OnStar of course. Ugh.

So I call the guy. He’s hard to understand bc he mutters, his voice is low, and he’s in the car. He explains and says the charge was for take down service after the new season started and my dad called to discontinue service. So I just say that I want a copy of the work order and tech invoice to see what was done. Then I say, yes, the auto renewal was on the contract but no one fucking reads a contract esp when the vendor is standing there in front of you waiting on your signature. They should really give people a heads up like hey, the new season is starting next month and you are on track to auto-renew… Anyway, he agrees to send me the work order files after he gets home.

And then, I call him out on being rude to my dad. Fuck yeah, I did. I just said, I know sometimes it’s hard to communicate with someone whose native language isn’t English but there’s no need to be rude and unprofessional. Then he explained that he’s Hispanic (doh!!) and he doesn’t have issues with different cultures but my dad kept cutting him off and wouldn’t let him talk, so after 20 minutes, he said he had to go. Fair enough. I mean, my mother is NOTORIOUS for cutting people off. My father not so much, but if he thinks you are ripping him off, he can get argumentative. As for the cussing, was the dude saying “stop” or “fuck.” I don’t know. I apologized for dad cutting him off and please send me the work order. At most, not a huge deal. Dad would be out $70. I mean, some people might just pay the $70 to be done with this bullshit, but you know, part of it is the principle of it. Auto renewals are always super sketchy and I mean, if you’re yelling and/or cussing at my dad, that’s not cool either. So it got worked out, but that kind of interaction is fucking stressful as hell. So now I’m totally drained.

Time to pet my doggies and then try to salvage the day with some studying. Quickie trip to Palm Springs kicks off tomorrow (I had Southwest credits to burn!). Woot, woot!

Like a Boss

Wow, my mind is still buzzing from all the stimulation at BlogHer. My latest thoughts? I’m feeling the need to beef up my knowledge of personal finance and investing. I know, as boring and dry and tedious as that sounds, I am determined to get a handle on this aspect of my life.

So I’m gonna start by coming clean with a major confession. I am 40 y/o, and I have never ever done my own taxes. Yes, I know. WTF kind of Bubble Girl life have I been living? My friends insist that doing taxes is not that hard and with TurboTax, the task is pretty straightforward. Still. I have never done it on my own. When I was growing up, my father had a CPA who did taxes for his business and investments. As soon as I was of working age, my father had me stashing away my paltry internship stipends into various IRAs. At the time, I just did as he advised, bc I mean, as a 16-y/o, I really didn’t give two fucks about the details of “adulting:” I instinctively trusted what they said as best practice. As I evolved into an adult, I continued doing the same habits: maxing out my 401k contributions and stashing funds into IRAs. When I joined forces with Bubs, he took on the responsibility of doing our taxes bc he had been doing his taxes since forever. As a side note, can you believe J and I are celebrating 20 years together this month? It’s crazy to think about just how young we were when we got together. We met when we were mere 20-y/os and then we got married at 26/27. I feel like, when people hear about how young we were, their reaction is similar to mine, like if I were to hear about someone having a baby/getting married as teens or newbie college grads. It feels like, inappropriately young, you know?

Honestly, it’s a fucking miracle that we are still together. Haha. I mean, yeah, we’re both amazing people 🙂 and all, but shit, two decades is a long-ass time to grow together, through so many big life changes. And I mean, not to throw the hubs under the bus, but Bubbey has A LOT of quirks. I know, most people who know us probably think I’m the more difficult/challenging person to tolerate of the two (It’s ok, I know Bubbey’s got that world class social and emotional intelligence that makes him instantly loveable), but shit, he can be difficult. The road hasn’t been all smooth sailing. We’re both super stubborn beotches in our own ways. But I digress…

So yeah, I’m basically admitting to being a princess. I HATE that description, bc it totally suggests a coddled life (which in turn, conjures bad thoughts about my brother…) but at the same time, my background is what it is.

Fast forward to BlogHer. One of the speakers was a former Wall St. baller. She talked about how financially, women are often behind men, bc three big factors work against them: 1) the pay gap 2) an investing gap 3) falling out of the workforce to raise families. While year to year, the gaps might not seem significant, over the entire span of our working/earning lives, the differences compound into something huge. By retirement age, women have less money saved than men even though they outlive them! I came away from this talk realizing that I need to have a better understanding of my personal finances. I’m not talking so much about saving. I’m pretty good at that, but saving only goes so far.

By not educating myself about growing my money, I am only doing myself a disservice. For example, we’ve all read about salary negotiations and how women consistently avoid making the ask. Sure, it’s confrontational and uncomfortable but you know what? The difference is not just in that one moment/instant. The difference is cumulative. I just had a call last week with my friend P. Her boyfriend was urging her to ask for a raise. She had never done this before and she was so stressed. It made me think about a job offer I got many years back. I’d negotiated for salary before, but I was still so nervous and a part of me wanted to just not ask. But thank goodness I did, bc you know what? I got $70k instead of $48k. And if you factor in annual increases or whatever over a woman’s working lifetime, that extra lift is a big fucking deal. Thankfully, my friend made the ask. Unfortunately, her employer is undergoing some management changes, so no results just yet. Still though. No matter what, asking is better than just accepting.

Ultimately though, my takeaway is this. It’s great that I have my father and J as trustworthy, financially-savvy resources, but I need to know this shit for myself bc as I have seen with friends and family, life happens: divorce, cancer, whatever. If empowerment, independence, and self-sufficiency truly are my values, I need to step this shit up.

So the plan is this: I’m going to start reading this book published by The Motley Fool: Warren Buffett Invests Like a Girl, and I’m starting to ask questions, like immediately. This afternoon, I emailed Schwab with some questions about rollovers, and I also called Fidelity about my employer-sponsored 403b. Then I talked to dad about IRAs. My head kinda hurts now, so I’m going to go color my hair. See? Random thoughts all crammed into one head! And all of it discussed on the blog. I do what I fucking want, man! Haha.

Celebrity Insights

Even though BlogHer was a bit of a disappointment, J and I had a great trip down in LA. It had been a few months since we’d last traveled together (London/Paris in April), so it was a good exercise in re-assimilating so to speak. 🙂

In addition, I got a chance to catch up with my BlogHer crew (third reunion!): Jennifer from Diary of a Working Woman and Evelyn from Mommy Mafia. Let me tell you, these ladies know how to work the blogging/branding game. For reals. They are always raking in the affiliates dough and driving around in fancy sponsored SUVs and shit. 🙂 Real life hustlers. We met up on Day 2 for breakky, lunch, and the Conga Room afterparty. These ladies are too much fun.

Holy crap, I dunno what is in the air down in LA, but I got carded. TWICE. I mean, I guess I’m supposed to be all flattered and shit, but are you for real? I just turned 40, y’all. Pipe it down. Maybe some people are just clueless. Honestly, it reminds me of Marty at the dog park. Homeboy is fucking SIXTEEN years old, and I STILL get people asking me if he’s a puppy. Seriously, I was just asked that question last week. I mean, at first, I was like, ok who are these clueless, non-dog people, but the last time, the person was a dog owner!! I know, WTF right??? Oh well, makes for a good story, anyway.

So yeah, like Marty, I was freaking age-checked. I’m thinking it’s that mid-life crisis side shave. Funny thing, I got several compliments on my hair at the conference. For someone who’s pretty much a lifelong socially-awkward person, yes, that shit is music to my ears!!  Maybe my black Camuto heels (from Schoola) also helped to promote the badass facade. Haha.

So despite the shitty conference sessions, BlogHer still got my brain churning. On Day 1, we heard from Sarah Michelle Geller who just started a baking goods startup called Foodstirs. She made some interesting observations about how pitching to VCs is totally different than auditioning for acting roles. There was a huge learning curve for her, but she really embraced the experience with a great attitude, focusing on doing new things and taking risks in new arenas. Turns out, her hubby, actor Freddie Prinze, Jr. went to cooking school and recently published a new cookbook. He was at the conference too. The lines for him were monster and sadly, like the rest of us, the dude is getting old. 🙁

After SMG, Sheryl Crow talked about how cancer changed her life. She admitted to doing the whole fame/vanity thing and being totally blindsided by her illness. She also made some interesting points about 1) using tech to our medical/health advantage. Apparently, there’s a new technology that can detect breast cancer like up to 15 months sooner than with the old tech. 2) She also talked about how women often take on too much in their roles as caretakers. This allows too much stress into our lives, so we really need to set stricter boundaries to gatekeep that toxic crap.

We then heard from Kdash. It’s funny bc I really didn’t know what to expect from Kim. I will say, despite her insane celebrity, she came across quite ordinary. I wasn’t particularly enamored or smitten or inspired by her talk, but I did appreciate her overall ease… I mean, she talked a lot about how much she relies on her friends for advice and expertise. And she was remarkably chill about the haters. She admitted that it used to bother her a ton, but now that she has such great support from Kanye, it bothers her less. And to all the haters who insist that she has zero talent, she smartly countered, “Well, yeah, if you think that all I do is sit and play in front of my computer, then heck, I guess my work is just that easy, right? I get paid for doing nothing… And yet, I’m still driving the same car; I’m still living the same lifestyle.” That’s the thing. It’s so easy to dismiss people who are “successful.” I’ve seen it so many times. Like, I used to totally swoon about Martha Stewart and her “empire.” Then J would say some shit like, “Oh, she has this whole team that does everything. She doesn’t actually do any of the real work.” Uh, excuse me, but do people say the same shit for Emeril or for successful male celebrities? No! Their successes are almost always attributed solely to them, but for some reason, with women, their success is attributed to other people. So fucking annoying. I mean that shit just happened this week even what that Syrian refugee swimmer winning the gold medal and the news announcer going on and on, giving her hubby all the credit. Did the hubby swim the fucking race? No. Give credit where it’s due, people.

Sure, with Martha maybe there is a team working behind the scenes, but then admit that there’s a tribe on both sides, for both famous men AND famous women. At the end of the day, as someone who used to work in social media, I gotta give Kdash props for keeping up with the gabillion social media platforms she’s on… that shit is inundating and exhausting and as far as I can tell, she’s crafting her own posts.

Anyway, I’m not saying I’m a diehard Kdash fan, but like I’ve said before, as with all celebrities, I always see glimpses of me (us) in them. I was definitely disappointed (though not entirely surprised) that she doesn’t identify herself as “feminist.” Still, I admire her hustle and her unapologetic attitude of doing what makes her happy.

On Day 2, I sat in on the lunch keynote with Mayim Bialik. I don’t watch BBT at all, and I’m not really that familiar with Mayim, even from her Blossom days, but she had a really fascinating Q&A. Like Kim, she came across very self-aware, and I loved how she described herself as being super hippy and crunchy and granola and “that’s ok.” I was surprised that in spite of her extreme choices, she is pretty open about letting other people decide for themselves. That’s not often the case for people at the extremes. Like Mayim breastfed until super late, but she admitted, “If that’s not right for you, fine!” Similarly, she is vegan, but if you aren’t, great!

She recently launched an online project called GrokNation. And she shared several funny stories about being a marketing agent’s worst nightmare. Like the branding person kept asking her what was going to be her niche; advising that she focus the site on a few key areas. But Mayim refused to be limited: she wanted to talk about everything and anything, bc those are the thoughts swimming around in her head! I love that attitude! I mean, we are complicated beings; why should be put ourselves into neat little boxes, right?

She also admitted that she’s not super sparkly and appealing in the conventional celebrity sense, but that doesn’t stop her from wanting to create her own online space. From her path as an awkward child, who turned into an awkward teen, who turned into an awkward public adult… She knows herself, and she selects projects on her own terms. She doesn’t follow the formula, bc she gives herself permission to deviate and to experiment. Pretty frickin’ inspiring!

I wonder how her insights might apply to my life. For example, I frequently flip flop about focusing my blog on a specific niche in order to better monetize and market it. On the other hand, I also feel compelled to simply write about whatever I want, bc like her, all that shit is swimming around muddled in my head! Unlike Mayim though, I don’t have the same confidence to pick one way and just go forward with it. Instead, I want it all: I want to be a savvy marketer AND I also want to write about whatever. Ugh. And curiously, I’ve been like that with my professional/career path: I choose one way but then all the while, I constantly gauge my success by standards that apply for the other path. Basically, no matter what, I always lose and I always fail.

Mayim also shared some entertaining stories about her mother: Apparently, her mom is her biggest fan. She gushes on and on about how talented and beautiful Mayim is, and whenever her mom catches wind about so-and-so scoring a contract with Louis Vuitton, her mom calls Mayim all incredulous, asking, “Why didn’t LV approach YOU to be the face of the brand? What’s wrong with those people?”

It’s so interesting to hear about that level of parental support. My parents were always like, “So-and-so are doing this and that. Why aren’t you as good them? Why aren’t you doing all these amazing successful things?” But with Mayim’s mom, the position is kinda reversed. Her mom is in complete disbelief that the world doesn’t see the awesomeness and beauty that she sees. That pretty much blows my mind, and it really makes me wonder how parenting shapes a child’s development, growth, and confidence. Wow. What a concept to celebrate differences as better rather than lesser.

Good Day, LA!

Let me tell you something: DTLA (downtown LA) is something else. First off, the Lyft drivers here are oddly fascinating. I mean, I’ve never done speed dating in my life, but I feel like riding in the Lyft cars with these characters is probably a good representation of what speed dating might be like…

Lyft drivers are super chatty. They always initiate conversation. Thankfully, I have an awesome go-to conversation piece: the Magic Castle!! And I swear, that topic is a winning starter every. damn. time. Initially, the first driver M didn’t seem that impressed or interested, but I persisted. After all, the castle is on my bucket list and to my surprise, the place is ridiculously exclusive, requiring a formal invite from a member magician AND having a very rigid dress code (dresses for women; suit/ties for men). The driver was totally stunned. Yup, stick with me kid and I’ll teach you things you never knew! That said, according to him, anytime he hears about anything in LA being “invitation only,” he immediately thinks sex orgies and wild parties. Say what, dude? Don’t be adulterating my innocent goals of hitting up the Magic Castle!

So in the last few days, we’ve had about four drivers and pretty much all of them are motormouths. A lot of them talk about traffic, places to see, foods to try. Apparently, it wasn’t that long ago when DTLA was a very dangerous area. Only recently has it become safe enough to be a “destination.” I had no idea.

Last night, our driver, who was Georgian,  got talking about eastern European politics and then when that topic got too far over our heads, he transitioned into The Rake, some paranormal creature that’s been sighted in various places, including in his hometown by a family friend. OMG, I am such a scaredy cat. He was totally freaking me out.

Nonetheless, it’s kinda fun practicing my social skills on random people in short bursts. Haha, you know me: always training up for something. Gotta maximize those learning moments and all.

As for the BlogHer conference, eh, it’s been so-so. I mean, interesting and inspiring talks with Sarah Michelle Geller, Sheryl Crow, Kdash, and Mayim Bialik, but outside of that, kinda a disappointment. The attendance is notably lower than years past and the exhibitors and sponsors have been super lame– with brands that just aren’t that compelling. I even brought my big ass suitcase, thinking I would pick up a ton of swag, but for some reason, even the free stuff isn’t appealing enough for me to pack up and take home. The sessions too have been rather rambly and disorganized. I sat in on two today that were better than yesterday, but still: nothing super insightful or helpful. To be fair though, I do need to start making some important decisions with my blog, namely, do I want to monetize or not? Bc if so, I need to adjust my content accordingly. Ugh. I dunno. I waver back and forth all the damn time about it. What can I say, I wanna write what I wanna write.

Regardless, I’m happy to have my new site back up just in time. A few weeks ago, I’d set up my new domain name and imported all my posts from Giddy Go Cowgirl. The new site worked fine. Then, for some strange reason when I woke up on Day 1 of the BlogHer conference, the site suddenly stopped rendering. WTF. So I spent like 30 minutes before breakfast getting it back up and running.

Why the name change? To be honest, I came to the realization that GGC just wasn’t catchy enough. Not to mention, I haven’t been on a damn horse in about two years. I came up with AAH several months ago but some of my friends and Bubs didn’t seem to like it, so I procrastinated a while longer. Ultimately, I just decided to go with it, bc I like it and that’s all that really matters. Fortunately, the response so far has been good! I chatted with several random people in the food line and in a few sessions, and they really liked the name. And the Asians got it. A little lady in the lunch line told me how her mom always brags about having weighed 95 lbs back in her day. Omfg. My mother pulls that shit about my weight and her old weight all the fucking time!! So bizarre.[FAG id=7468]

Being Dismissed

I get frustrated sometimes being a woman. As you know, my family has a townhouse back East that’s currently on the market. The agent with whom I’m working was recommended by the previous agent J and I used to sell our first home in Virginia. Anyway, so far the process with this new agent was working out well: on his suggestion, we put in about $10k in renovations prior to putting the property on the market. He’s been very good about driving and staying on schedule. Long story short, we received two offers on the house in less than ten days. The good news is that the house seems priced right enough to solicit offers. The bad news is that the offers feel low.

I mean, I’m not a realtor but at the same time, I’m no stranger to data nor is my family a stranger to real estate. There are so many online tools now for you to see comp properties and figure out market prices. My point is, even though my father and I have access to “experts,” we don’t just follow them blindly. That has never been our style. Even with the Houseboat, I had a realtor whom I trusted THE MOST out of all realtors I’ve dealt with, and I STILL backed up her recs with my own independent research.

Back to the offers: they felt seriously lowball, like $10-15k off after factoring in their request for buyer credits at settlement. I understand that real estate transactions are all about negotiations, and I’m fine to negotiate but I still want a price that I feel is fair. I won’t go into all the numeric details, but for the second offer, we countered twice and ultimately, it came down to $2k. And my agent basically pressured me to take it, based on his predictions for the market and the type of interested buyers we were getting. I had consulted with my father and with J. I decided to hold firm and let the buyers walk away.

The conversation with my agent bugged me though, bc I really felt like he scoffed at my decision. Like when I said I wanted to hold firm, partly bc the offer is too low and partly bc the property has ONLY been on the market for a week, I swear I heard him laugh in disbelief. He kept saying that it was ultimately my decision (yes, I know!), but his response felt really unsupportive. The thing is, my position is the same as my father’s, so I really wonder how the agent’s response might have differed had the decision been verbalized/relayed by my father. J says it’s not necessarily a gender thing, that maybe it was bc I had wavered, like my voice/tone allowed for the possibility of coming down more… Perhaps. And at the same time, the point of experts is for them to share their honest opinions so I certainly don’t want to fault him for his frankness…

That said, I’m trying to be more business savvy. Like J always warns me to look for the other party’s angle and what’s in it for them. For example, all my real estate books say that the agent has fiduciary responsibility to the client, meaning the client’s financial interests are supposed to be above the agent’s. But that’s textbook, and this is real life. As J pointed out, the agent gets the same commission whether he hustles to sell our property at that price in eight days or in one month. Of course, for him, the faster the better so he can move on to selling others. In the end, I explained my position to the agent as this: the house just went on the market. I’m willing to come down, but not that much right now. Maybe after a few weeks, we’ll end up lowering the price anyway. Maybe not. Maybe we’ll get a better offer. I’m willing to take the risk by holding on a while longer.

Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable exchange, and I felt somewhat bullied. And then all that night, I kept replaying that shit over and over in my head. I imagined John or my father delivering the same decision, and I’m certain they would not BELABOR the conversation in their heads afterwards. Is it a confidence thing? Was it a mansplaining thing? Is it me? Is it woman vs. man? Is it my fear of being wrong?

The whole scenario is an interesting experience bc as much as I believe that I’ve seen a lot in my lifetime, there are still so many pockets of naivety and inexperience. I always strive to be more street smart and more business savvy. But I guess those are things that only come through wider exposure. So all I can do is just keep learning. Hopefully, with more experience, I can be faster and surer in my decision-making.

Spurring Action

Years ago, I read about some study on crying, comparing how frequently women cry compared to men. I think the number back then was six times per month for women compared to only once a month for men. I remember that at the time, immediately on hearing the stats, I scoffed. Big. time. WTF, people. There is no way I cry that much in 30 days. And in typical fashion, Bubbey stepped right in to challenge my reaction: “You definitely cry six or more times per month. You cry just watching things on tv!” Say what? That shit doesn’t count!!! Ok fine, if watching something on tv counts, then fine. Yes, sometimes I get emotional when triggered.

Fast forward to now, and well fuck, last week was a rough one. I must have doubled the monthly average. My trigger(s)? Four days of the fricking Democratic National Convention. Admittedly, since my days at FMF (when I was just a young pup in my 20s) I’ve def stepped back A LOT from politics. When I was at FMF, I was all in: I wrote for the organization’s daily news wire; I crafted letters that constituents emailed to their elected officials; I petitioned in front of the Capitol calling for greater access to emergency contraception and broader abortion rights… I was in it hard. But those days, every time I saw my parents, we argued (mostly about how damaging Republicans were for women and minorities). I was angry every. damn. day, and I was always fighting with someone about something (Johnny was also living with John and me at the time). I even had heated email exchanges with haters who wrote into the organization, complaining about my advocacy emails and other stances to which they disagreed. Back then, I cared so much that it exhausted me. After I left FMF and we moved to China in 2003, I realized just how much I needed that break and distance. Now that I’m forty though, I’ve realized that I’ve shifted to the opposite extreme, to the point of not even wanting to debate politics with friends.

So last week, I watched most of the big DNC speeches… So many of them moved and inspired me. I’d been comfortable in my stepping away and in NOT engaging, but as I listened to Michelle Obama and Cory Booker and Elizabeth Warren and so many others, a part of me couldn’t help but feel ashamed by my inaction and lack of participation. Our voices DO matter. And change happens powerfully when people who have less at stake join in supporting and advocating for people who have everything at stake. So how do I re-enter this treacherous zone without losing my shit? I honestly don’t know. But after I got over feeling disappointed in myself (yet again), I decided that I need to start volunteering again. Last time when I was unemployed for an extended period, I helped the local job center with training and computer lab support. When I lived in China, I used to volunteer with animal rescue orgs. When I lived back East, I taught English to adult immigrants. What happened to that person who cared AND acted?

So I contacted the local day labor center to learn more about volunteer opps with teaching and tech assistance. Even though this isn’t a direct way of defeating Trump in the upcoming campaign, I’m going to view it as a beneficial first step towards reconnecting with things that matter to me.

Meanwhile, some interesting articles I’ve read:
Re: Hillary Clinton for President. Sexism is REAL.
Reconciling the differing roles of spouse vs. daughter: Melania and Ivanka
A reminder to be less judgey