Category Archives: Events

Partying with the Cool Club

It feels a bit funny to admit this, but I think I’m finally coming into my own. Jesus Christ, I sound like I made in through some coming of age rite of passage or something… it’s just that, this last year has been especially bumpy for me. You see, when I first embarked on this whole exploration/discovery/search, I really had no idea what was in store. Sure, I’d read about people facing identity and self-esteem issues, but truthfully, I never thought that the drama would hit me at the magnitude that it did. John’s frequently called 2014 the shittiest year ever, between my confidence crisis and Remy and his job bullshit. I’d never thought to write off the entire year with such an all-encompassing disappointment and pessimism, but after he termed things that way, I kinda saw the rationale.

Thankfully, these days I do feel stronger, more resilient, and just overall more encouraged and inspired. BlogHer was a pretty good conference. I mean, yeah the sessions themselves were kinda hit or miss, but the keynote speakers were sooo inspiring, and the connections proved more fruitful than expected. First, I love a good talk. My high from being re-energized and motivated can easily last me several days. Second, I definitely want to try some new things on my site with affiliate links and basic monetization, just to tinker and see how it all works. Plus, I am considering creating my own graphics and maybe even trying the video content… I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew, but whatever. Why not just try some of these tools? Maybe in the end, I’ll still be destined to writing only, but I figure I might as well look and see.

Hanging out with E was a total blast. She was really sweet to introduce me to several of her friends. As it turns out, two of the ladies even have nonprofit leadership experience!! I definitely noticed lots of grad/professional women at the conference this year: a ton of lawyers and MBAs, which surprised me. Maybe more people are craving the creative outlet blogging provides.

What else. At the Expo hall, I talked to several reps at their booths. I kinda used the experience as a way to listen to spiels, practice my own attempts to build quick rapport, AND score some free products. Yeah, BlogHer is crazy commercialized. There’s always TONS of swag. I made a very strong effort to be minimalist this time around, but I still left there with bags, supplements, vitamins, oral care, a frickin’ board game, a new tote bag (to replace last year’s Beano tote), and the like. Interestingly, Khloe Kardashian made an appearance on Saturday for HairFinity. When I saw her in person, she seemed totally normal-sized– tv definitely portrays her like an Amazon. But then E actually got a picture taken WITH Khloe, and she insists that the lady is giant. Then again, E is super petite, so figures. Guess it’s all relative. Kim and Kourtney are like Liliputians next to their sis.

Kerry Washington spoke at lunch on the last day. I know, I’m such a gusher, but she was so smart and articulate talking about her craft, her activism, her family life. She sounded so damn grounded. Naturally, she’s now my latest gal crush, and as much as I hate to watch tv, I might have to add Scandal to my watch list now.

Sadly, I didn’t see my badass blogger Flourish in Progress. So sad. Based on her Instagram, she and I were both at the after party, featuring Rev Run of Run DMC, but I didn’t see her. Argh. Yeah, the DJing was pretty good: tons of super old school shit, and the crowd went nuts jumping around all over. You know me: I was surrounded by it all, standing in a sea of fun-loving people, and there I stood: awkward, stiff, and totally out of rhythm. I swear there is no hope for me. Dance Central ain’t ever gonna teach me the beats and moves. Ah well. At least I felt less self-conscious than I’ve ever been under similar circumstances.

We stayed out pretty late. After the organizers kicked us out, we all headed back to the hotel and one of the ladies in the group who flew out that night gifted me her swanky room at the Fairmont. John even drove down later that night to live it up with soft, luxury sheets and full-on air-conditioning. Can you tell we’ve had a series of heat waves here? It’s been hotter than hell, and our house is a goddamn solar oven. Needless to say, Fairmont was our savior. All in all, I feel good about the connections from the conference this year. I definitely talked to more people and made strong enough connections that I think we’ll keep in touch. Yay![FAG id=7417]

Imposter Syndrome

I had trouble sleeping last night. Yesterday was a hectic day filled with learning, training, and job hunting, and even though I was exhausted by the end of it all, my mind just would not. shut. off. If you haven’t yet noticed, yes, I’m basically obsessed now with figuring out the game, i.e. the job hunting process. And following the communications training I attended last Monday, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed about my messaging and personal branding. You see, if I really am serious about working in communications, I have to have my shit MORE together. You know, like what’s my elevator pitch for 1) job hunting 2) casual encounters 3) blogging conference, etc. See what I mean? In each scenario, the audience is different, so the message has to adjust accordingly. I know, you feel I’m overthinking this shit. Trust me, I am not. Messaging is everything.

Since I’ve started ProMatch, I’ve honed my job hunting pitch a lot. But then today, at the BlogHer conference, I realized that I still have work to do in the other areas. This morning, I reunited with my friend E. We had met at last year’s BlogHer. She runs the awesome MommyMafia website, and we’ve been in touch throughout the last year. E is extremely savvy and smart. She’ll learn about random tools and then the next thing you know, she’ll have mastered the tools AND posted fresh new content created USING the new tools. That woman is nimble as fuck! Not surprisingly, she’s made amazing progress on the blog over the last year, and I know I’m gonna see some new content on there soon, because I saw her gears churning today! Anyway, this morning E introduced me to some of her blogger friends. But as soon as they asked me what I blogged about, I found myself scrambling and stammering. “Oh, I just blog about my life… I tell stories from my daily life.” From a communications professional’s perspective, that response is so bland and lame! I mean, there was no enthusiasm, no confidence, no oomph! E kindly chimed in that I was an awesome writer with a hilarious, sarcastic slant. And her friend continued, “Yeah, don’t dismiss your blog, it’s not just about your life.” So fucking true. Have I learned nothing these last several months? Why am I not owning this shit? Why am I not celebrating the value I offer through my blog? I don’t know. I have issues. Shrug. More shit to work on. Ugh.

One other thing I realized from the conference today? So many women suffer from imposter’s syndrome– the combo of two debilitating thoughts: 1) the notion that every success is solely attributed to luck and 2) the fear that people will eventually call you out for being unaccomplished and illegitimate. When I read or hear about imposter’s syndrome, it always sounds so ridiculous in its self-sabotaging ways. Yet, that doubt has visited me often, particularly in the last year.

We heard from so many accomplished writers and speakers today. One lady is even a current NYT best-seller, and she still struggles with feeling unworthy. She still worries that she’ll never write another good book again. Sound familiar? I find myself saying to Bubbey: I’ll never find another job again!  And yes, that is a major complaint. I want to work!!! But shit man, self-doubt is so annoyingly persistent!!

So back to the elevator pitch: yeah, whenever I’m on the receiving end of an introduction, I always notice when someone lacks confidence or when someone fumbles or mutters a half-ass reply. I’m not saying every interaction has to be perfect, but shit, those first few seconds are uber critical. So tonight, I’m going to craft my message– a strong, confident, charismatic message and then tomorrow, I will test. That’s right, baby: Iterate, implement, evaluate, repeat. What am I, a stand-up comedienne? Right??

In other news, I saw another one of my fav bloggers today. Flourish in Progress. Not only is she super fucking bad ass, but I just love her honesty about her struggles and vulnerabilities. Her candidness resonates so strongly with me, I swear she can bring tears to my eyes at the drop of a frickin’ dime. And on top of that, she is funny as hell. Definitely one of my favorite discoveries from BlogHer13. Unfortunately, I was too shy to introduce myself today, but I still have tomorrow. She’s way too cool for me, but oh well. I don’t mind being a fangirl. Haha.

Professional Dev Update

OMFG. Thursday night already. Crazy talk. This week kicked off really well. I was in the city for an Intro to Salesforce training. I took the opportunity to contact one of the speakers for an info interview. He’s a rather higher upper too, and we’re going to meet for lunch  in June. Score!

I also reached out to some women from the Women’s Leadership Summit last week, including an Assistant City Manager and Deputy County Manager. Yup, I’m hitting the big dogs now. The Assistant City Manager was so kind and friendly in her reply too. I’m aiming high these days, and it feels really nice to get some response from busy people!

I caught up with my coach on Wednesday after a one-month hiatus. Last week, I had sent her a monster list of items I’d been working on… she says I’m in action even if I feel like April was a lost month. Yup, I guess that means I’m officially back on the wagon. I do feel like I’m hustling every damn day… even if there isn’t a job offer pot of gold there at the end of the rainbow yet. Maybe the rainbow is a lot bigger than I anticipated.

I had my County interview this morning. It went ok, but I was definitely a little disappointed. I dunno whether it was all the guidelines I got beforehand or what, but I was just a little off: not as sharp, specific, and on point with my responses. I guess we’ll see. I’m trying not to let my perfectionist/OCD side get the better of me after the fact. Ugh.

Oh, get this: while John and I were in Utah last Friday, I got a call from Duke. I made it off their wait list (just as I was ready to write the class off), and now I’m enrolled in their Nonprofit Management certificate program: it’s an 8-day intensive. Yippee!! I figure that at some point, I will work closely with nonprofits– whether that’s from the inside or consultant side, it doesn’t much matter: I’ll benefit a lot from understanding nonprofit operations better. I’m going to fly into Wilmington the weekend prior to visit my bud N, and then I’ll be studying full blast at my alma mater. I’m pretty excited. Already, I have spoken with several past students, and they all give rave reviews. I worry a bit about being away from home for that long, but I guess the boys will be ok.

Tomorrow I’m headed to the city again for another Foundation Center training. I tried to tie in some fun activities afterwards, but no one’s around really. Hmm, maybe I’ll finally touch base with my friend F again? I haven’t been in touch with her since her hubby C passed last year. Maybe I’ll shop for those elusive black flats/low wedges. I was so annoyed this evening, because two different shoes arrived via Amazon, and they are both shipping back tomorrow. Why are uber comfy, low-heel shoes (that are NOT boots)so damn ugly?? Also, when the hell am I going to bust out my awesome leopard-print heels? Yup, I got my priorities straight.

Nothing too excited planned for the upcoming weekend. Bubs and I are a bit pooped out, so maybe just some R&R.

Getting Back in the Game

Since we started this new month of May, I’ve been trying my darnedest to get my shit back together. For several weeks after Remy died, I had managed to appear outwardly fine and productive, but internally, I felt so sad and lost and unmotivated. But man, I had had enough of this downtrodden bullshit, and so I started telling my brain to get going again. Yes, I know, easier said than done– even if my mantra is “Mind over body.”

I resumed webinars and networking and social activities. I met up with my new BFF L last week. I was attending a tech meetup in SF, so we arranged to catch up beforehand for a quick dinner and a uke/harmonica jam. Turns out, he plays piano AND harmonica (which I actually have!). That’s the coolest thing about L: he’s pretty much game for anything. Random singing in a busy lunch spot? Fine. Bust out the uke and harmonica and cop a squat in Yerba Buena Gardens? Fine. Well, as it turned out, that day was hotter than hell, and I clocked a shitload of steps from Caltrain to our meeting spot across from the Gardens. And then the Gardens were totally blocked off to the public for some private MOMA event. Seriously? Then, he ran late due to work. I was thirsty as hell and really out of breath from all the walking (obviously, I’m totally out of shape now too). So we ended up grabbing drinks and appetizers at a local bar. But our conversation was great. He’s just one of those folks: we are just on the same wavelength. I’m getting to know him better, and I’m feeling good– like I’ve found another kindred spirit, and I’m optimistic that he’s a potential mentor. I remember in Sheryl Sandberg’s book, she talked a lot about how you don’t ever “ask” someone to become your mentor: it just happens. So I kinda have a feeling, but I guess I won’t be asking. We’ll have to see. But he talked about personality types (I didn’t even bring that up!) and leadership and nonprofit boards and communications… I felt really glad to have met him, especially given all the bullshit drama I’ve been feeling lately with some of my other friends. I mean, don’t misconstrue here: things are purely platonic, but damn, what a great feeling to make a new, easy, instant friend! I’m going to be in SF again next week, so we’re going to attempt another jam session. Haha.

In other news, my job hunt is going slowly but surely… The oral/written exam for the city at the end of April went fine. Pretty procedural. Thankfully, my round 2 interview was a lot more personable. I’m supposed to hear in a few weeks they say. And I’m also waiting to hear this week from an area county for a social media gig. Yeah, gov gigs but I’m still pushing the contract/unconventional job angle too…

Last weekend, I attended an anniversary celebration in Napa for Heifer International. A former coworker’s wife is an area manager for the org, and she introduced me to the executive VP of marketing. I was so stressed about my intro/elevator pitch in meeting the lady, but our conversation went great (not perfect, but better than expected), and I followed up this week with an email and LinkedIn connection. Tomorrow, I’m attending a Women’s Leadership Summit (I know, I am obsessed!!). I’m setting some new intentions to get my name out, pass around my biz cards, and hustle for contract communications/web gigs. We’ll see. I haven’t even figured out what I’m going to wear yet. Maybe my new dress with tights. Gotta be a power playa and all. I’m also considering busting out my new leopard print pumps!

Later this week, John and I are flying out to Vegas to hit a few national parks in Utah. Yeah, I’ve kinda been on a national parks kick lately. You know what they say: nature helps re-energize and rejuvenate, so that’s the plan. We’ve never been to Utah before. I got sucked in to their big marketing campaign on the Mighty 5 Parks. Love that website. We’re just hitting Zion and Bryce and then returning on Sunday. Weekend warriors. That’s the way we roll.

Off the Wagon

Yeah, this has been a trying week. I haven’t been sleeping well again: Bubbey’s snoring has hit an all-time high these days, so I sleep on my CB2 daybed now in my office. Even when he wears the nose strips, it doesn’t help. When I reflect back to this past month, I feel so discouraged about the lost time… like already, almost another month has come and gone. In March, I was feeling so awesome: I had been doing that 7-minute workout, I was getting my energy back, I was ramping up with my coaching sessions and professional developments and networking, I was doing stuff with friends… Then, Remy started having issues again, John went home for a week, came back, and bam, she was gone.

Sure, I had visitors and whatever to distract me and keep me from crying in bed all day, but shit, no matter how you slice it, I’m officially off the wagon… off ALL wagons. I haven’t been to the ranch since god knows when. No 7-minute workout. No spinach smoothie diet. No ukulele. No committed meditation practice. No yoga. No nothing. I even stopped my weekly coaching sessions. I mean, all facets are just stopped.

I try to rationalize all this loss of momentum. Sure, the loss of Remy is massive. Three weeks later, and I’m still crying at the drop of a fucking dime. I had a job interview this afternoon with an area city. It was an interesting experience– pretty sterile and hyper-procedural to be honest, but whatever. I went to the mall after that, and had myself a bit of retail therapy, and then in the car on the drive home? Tears. Later this evening, I go soak in the hot tub. More tears.

I dunno what I expected in terms of where I would be by now… I mean, I’d always dreaded her passing, anticipating with fair certainty that I was going to be a disaster afterwards. And then I thought I handled it relatively well when the time finally came, but now I find myself wondering when will I truly get back to normalcy? Am I demanding too much of myself? But I mean, what happens to people who have to still show up at a job and shit? I dunno. Sometimes, my mind is just unrelenting, you know? If I’m not obsessing over what’s wrong with me, I’m obsessing over external factors, other things in the world that I cannot control.

Recently whenever I’ve looked at myself in the mirror, I see such a tired and aged face. My skin texture is better (thanks to the acne brush on my Clarisonic), but damn, my eyes or something just look frickin’ haggard. What the hell???? And my arms are flabby again. When I tried on a bunch of sleeveless tops today at the mall, shit was squishing out the sides. WTF. I know, I’m doing it again: the goddamn nitpicking. Argh, have I learned nothing from all those positive psychology classes and readings? Don’t expend the energy on the self criticism and blame: get back on the damn wagon! Yeah, that 7-minute workout. Such a minimal time commitment, and it really got so much easier after I started doing it consistently. Well that’s all down the drain. I have not picked it up again since Pamela left the day after Remy died.

Argh. Maybe tomorrow. Mind over body. Mind over body. I’m so tired and unmotivated, like I need a boost from somewhere, something, I dunno what exactly. I just don’t know. I suppose that’s what signals a funk, right? Some nebulous malaise and lethargy with no real answers. I feel myself slipping in a fits and spurts kind of way: two steps forward, three steps back kind of thing.

This weekend, John and I are celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary in Yosemite. We’re taking Martin along. Remy was with us for all the other anniversaries. Sometimes, John would even have the pups “sign” my card. But she’s gone now. She really is gone.

Setting Intentions

The last few weeks have really illustrated to me the power of setting intentions. As you know, in early February, I started working with a coach, specifically for my job hunt. Honestly, I was very skeptical and reluctant in the beginning, but holy shit, I can truthfully say, big things have happened since. First, I can’t even express how debilitating my catastrophic thinking had become. It was still in fits and spurts, but man, when it came on, it was paralyzing. I still believe so strongly that my year-end sickness/depression/funk were all attributed to my poor mental state. Learning to re-train my brain a bit in how it reacts and responds to negative thoughts has been a total game-changer. Second, there is really something powerful about accountability. I mean, I consider myself a fairly disciplined person. There are some exceptions, but generally, when I say I’m going to do something, I follow through. With coaching, we establish a list of intentions (action items) every week, and I have to say, even with my discipline, there have been weeks where I came close to NOT completing my action items. Were I on my own, those items would’ve just moved to the following week. But with my coach, a few days before my next call, I go through my list and really force myself to get it done– almost like a homework assignment or something. The pressure of calling her and saying that I didn’t finish my homework from the previous week is so great that I will work on those info interview requests late into the night. No matter what, I meet that deadline. Third, the power of intention. Really. Who the fuck knew? In the last several months, I’ve been going to networking events, trainings, and conferences pretty regularly. As someone who used to have extreme social anxiety, I felt like I had pretty much conquered that limitation years ago. So my mere attendance at these events was already many small victories in and of themselves. But my coach asked me, “Do you want to set an intention for this upcoming tech meetup? or this conference?” Say what? Wasn’t it enough that I was going? Nope. By her question, I realized that I had gotten complacent with these events. I thought just showing up was sufficient for getting what I needed out of these things, but that wasn’t true. There was so much more there. So for the first tech meetup, I set an intention to 1) ask questions publicly during the talk and 2) make a real acquaintance. I talked to a lady who did communications work for Sierra Club. Super cool chick– someone I hope to see again at the next meeting. Not immediately useful per se, but she was a learner with really good political savvy, which I found insightful. Second, I managed to ask TWO questions during the talk. It was weird, but by going in with the intention of asking questions, it really kinda forced me to listen better and to concentrate, and it was really kind of liberating to get over that intimidation and just get involved in the discussion. So different!

So then yesterday, I went to a women’s leadership conference. I hadn’t really set an intention for it other than to go, learn, and be inspired. But over lunch, my friend L asked what I was wanting to get out of the event. And it just reminded me that really, I should have set an intention beforehand. So after lunch, I thought yes, I really should make some contacts. When I got back, I happened to sit next to one of the morning session panelists– a former journalism professor and current communications head at LinkedIn. She was a sharp lady who had a lot of really good points in the discussion. Just as she got up to leave, we made eye contact and then, I talked with her (again, not my usual MO). We only exchanged a few lines, but I thanked her for the session and said I really admired her courage in transitioning from tenured journalism prof to comms work at a startup. It must have been scary but also exhilarating. And then I gushed a bit about LinkedIn and how much I use it… Late last night, I sent her a connection request and bam! Now we’re connected, and I even think I would feel comfortable and confident enough to contact her again to do lunch. See? Isn’t that just crazy? For me, this is so in line with what I’ve been reading about with networking and connections… And yet I see now how I really had been holding myself back for so long without even realizing. I mean, I talk so much about how much relationships matter to me, how much communications matter and yet, I had already erected so many walls thinking that these humans wouldn’t want to interact with me because of xyz. But isn’t communications all about transcending those barriers? In my interviews, I talk so much about using tech to give sterile agencies and organizations an authentic, human voice to connect people both online AND offline because at the end of it all, progress and collaboration need real human connection.

I will always have a preference for written communication, and I will continue to feel reluctance and doubt and nervousness with strangers, but at least now I feel confident enough to move forward face-to-face anyway. And that’s been surprisingly liberating.

Mental Shifts

I am feeling so much better these days. Goodness, what a difference a week makes!! Remy is back to walking again (she had gone lame the week prior but she’s doing good now with adjusted meds), and I made several deliberate changes this past week to get my groove back.

For one thing, I started exercising this week after a 1 1/2-month hiatus. I had read about this phone app (of course) called the 7 Minute Workout, and so I started with that. It sorta aligns with my “impatiently efficient” pace to life. Yes, it is JUST 7 minutes but holy crap, I am super sore, and right now 7 minutes is just about my tolerance for exercising discomfort. Haha. It’s a nice way to kick off my mornings, and I’m convinced it’s helped bring back my energy. We’ll see. I’m hoping for visible results soon. Like yesterday. Or tomorrow. John was making fun of me a few days ago asking “You are wanting to see results after just 35 cumulative minutes of exercise???” I know, I really need to work on my patience!!

My work with my personal coach is going really well. I have been consciously diverting myself as soon as I notice my mind going south… my uke offers an instant shot of joy. Or I’ll take the dogs for a walk in the park. The weather has been warm and sunny again so that helps.

Along similar lines, I had an epiphany last week regrading Remy. Her health has been really up and down this last year, and it’s taken a real toll. Whenever she was having problems, I would overwhelm myself with sad/depressing thoughts about putting her down… and I would have trouble sleeping. I realized that all those times, she never actually died, and yet I was already crossing that bridge before I really needed to!!! So for her, I’m shifting my focus from the doom of death to just appreciating the present moment. What a blessing it is that I have the time off now to spend with her, to care for her, and I want to celebrate each additional day she gives me. I’ll deal with her passing when it comes. So just these few mental shifts have made a huge difference. I’m still so amazed: mind over body is real!!

Last Friday, we saw Jake Shimabukuro in Santa Cruz. He was so amazing. I mean, so vibrant and energetic and happy and of course, ridiculously skilled. We scored 3rd row center seats, so he was just 20′ away. Eeekk! What a magical experience. He was so humble and down-to-earth too: I felt like he could be my real-life buddy!

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Shitty New Year

I’m not gonna beat around the bush. The last few days, I have been feeling really sorry for myself.  You see, last Friday was just a shit day. I had two info interviews that I was really stoked about, and they both got postponed last minute. Both people were really nice about it, and shit just came up so not a huge deal, but I dunno. I guess I was excited about potentially making some new friends. Then Bubbey was still sick on Friday. Thank goodness he actually took the day off to rest. In the afternoon, I had a lovely lunch with my career coach but afterwards, I felt a bit overwhelmed. Like, I’m 37, and I still don’t have my shit figured out. It’s a month into the new year, and I’ve made zero progress… Argh!!! I know, some of it is just negative thoughts, arguably without basis, but I’m just telling you where I’m headed with this. After my lunch, I got home, and I received a contract for the ranch. For months, this organization had said they wanted to book FOUR weeks of summer camps. Now suddenly the contract said TWO. I was really upset. I called to see what the hell had gone wrong. He explained that it had nothing to do with us, but they were noticing drops in their registrations for other spring activities, so they wanted to play it safe. Ugh, seriously?

By evening on Friday, I had to cancel my annual Chinese New Year party. CNY was supposed to be my New Year do-over since I was so fucking sick all of January. But Bubbey just was not getting better, so my long anticipated dumpling party got canceled. I don’t blame Bubbey; of course, it sucks to be sick, and he wasn’t deliberately trying to thwart my party. But I dunno. I was just so frustrated after being sick for so long and not seeing people, not talking to people, and this was something I was really looking forward to. I had gone to the store and gotten all the cheesy, gold/red decorations, planned out the menu, prepped some dishes in advance… Wah, wah. I know, not the end of the world. I still made all the dumplings, and they turned out great (and consistent in appearance at least). I’ll still get to have my party– just a toned-down happy hour version of it sans karaoke and mahjong. For some reason, I just couldn’t let go of the disappointment.

As I wallowed in my self-pity, I thought about that Charity:Water speech I’d watched earlier in the week. The one about the founder and his story of transformation. I thought about how fucking blessed my life is. I’m being a crybaby about being sick, about not having my silly party. And in other parts of the world, women are walking six hours a day to fetch dirty water. Children are dying from diarrhea. I’m so goddamned ridiculous in my privilege.  I started to think about bringing the positivity back. It’s often a challenge for me, but I’m determined.

I also thought about the state drought, and how I need to use less water. I’m cutting my showers back. I’m trying to turn off while I lather up. In the kitchen, when I use water to rinse veggies and dishes, I’m collecting the gray water in jugs to water the plants in the yard. Yes, all just tweaks I’ve made recently, but I feel like these are good practices to adopt once the drought is over (if ever). They remind me of my grandmother who saves and reuses every single little thing, but you know what? There’s no reason to be irresponsible and oblivious just because I can afford to be wasteful, right? Maybe this is really just some fucked up attempt to control something small because everything else feels uncontrollable. I dunno. My mind works in weird ways.

The good news is, we had our first long rain last night. I heard the drops pounding on the roof late in the evening and early in the morning. The bad news is, around 7a, Remy got up and stumbled down the hallway. I opened the side door to let her out. She looked a bit disoriented. When she came back inside, she stumbled to the living room and collapsed. Then, the heavy panting started, and the episode began again. I tried to hug her tightly, but her body went limp and she started wailing. I tried to massage her body, but she was totally out of it. John heard her wailing and came out to the living room. By then, the episode ended. Maybe fifteen seconds or so? I dunno. Afterwards, I realized that again, I hadn’t videoed a damn thing. She was so tired. Her paws were warm to the touch. Why does this keep happening? So I just searched YouTube, and this is kinda similar to what happens with Remy.

I am trying to think of patterns. Two or three times now, this has happened in the very early morning, soon after she awoke and got up to move around. I’m wondering now if maybe it has something to do with the dog bed. The last two times, she was sleeping in the bed vs. on the floor. Maybe the bed is too confining? Maybe something about the cushioning puts pressure on her spine? I have no idea. How to solve this damn mystery without having her suffer through another visit to the vet where they never find anything anyway? Argh. I’m so frustrated with this. Jesus Christ. Seriously, how do parents of special needs children have the patience and fortitude to keep going? I’m so tired, and Remy is just my dog!! Luckily, she seemed fine the rest of the day. We didn’t make it to the park, but she definitely searched around for snacks and Super Bowl Sunday treats in the afternoon. It just is what it is. Remy does seem to be sleeping more soundly at night, which means I am sleeping a bit better. I still get up twice a night but I’m able to get back to sleep. For now, I’m trying to pop a lot of vitamins, fish oil, and zinc supplements so that I don’t get run down again and get sick. Who knows if those will even help.

In other news, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. WTF. My coach is right: all people have their demons. Sadly, too many times love just isn’t enough to save people from themselves. What a damn shame. Life is too damn short. I need to quit stressing about everything. God, just chill the fuck out. Maybe I’ll get a massage tomorrow. I kinda think I need it. 🙂

The Magic of My Hugs

Earlier this week, I reported that Remy was having those strange heavy panting-collapse episodes. I had spoken to the vet tech and explained the scenario. To me, it seemed like behavior that was following down the path towards seizure, but somehow things would only get to phase 1 rather than like phase 3 (convulsions). The vet tech didn’t really know what it could be, but she said it would be most helpful to them if I could video the incident. Also, if her episodes don’t increase in severity or frequency, we can just continue status quo. I did notice, however, that her walking was a little bit stiffer, so I upped the Tramadol to three times a day from two. So the vet had been out of town, but this evening she gave me a buzz back. Remy is doing pretty well again. She still isn’t at the level from two weeks ago where she was doing amazing, but she’s getting herself up regularly and she’s returned to her habit of sniffing around the house in search of snacks, so honestly, I think that’s as good as we can get. When I explained the most recent incidents, I said it was weird that they were less intense and passed more quickly than before when there was wailing and convulsing. I suggested it was related to me hugging Remy tightly during the onset. The doctor said if those symptoms are triggered by pain, the experiences are probably less severe now, because she’s on anti-inflammatory and painkilling meds. Haha, here I was thinking that it was the magic of my hugs and massages in the moment that saved my Remy from something more traumatic. I’m such a dork.

In other news, John stayed home again tonight. I slept better last night because 1) Bubbey slept on the couch so his snoring wouldn’t bug me 2) Remy zonked out most of the night from that third dose of Tramadol. I still woke up automatically at 2 a.m. though. For some reason, I use the bathroom every night at that time. Thankfully, I feel back asleep. But by morning, when I had a 9 a.m. conference webinar, I was still tired. Then I had an 11 a.m. webinar. Plus more calls dealing with my dad’s DC condo. I think the second repair tech finally diagnosed the problem. A part is on order and hopefully, next week, we will have a  long term fix. But yeah, the rest of the day, I was just so tired. Stayed in my yoga pants… I need to get my shit together!! Tomorrow I have a morning info interview with a lady at Coursera, followed by lunch with my career coach. Yup, I’m doing it. Time to get this shit going.

This evening, while I was prepping questions and topics for my info interview, I did all this reading on Coursera. What an amazing concept. I just signed up for another class on logic/reasoning/arguments through Duke. I really wish and hope that my next job will energize me about learning.

What else. Tomorrow is Chinese New Year! I have a big party on Saturday… there is so much I need to prep, but damn, at this point, I just need to make sure Bubbey is over his sickness and I have most of the ingredients. Ugh, I don’t feel ready. Oh well.

Dragon Ass

Dayum, I started this week off with big dreams. On Sunday, I was back in the saddle  for the first time in a month. I had a decent ride, but John accompanied and afterwards he made some kind of comment to the effect of: After 2 1/2 years of lessons, I dunno where I expected your skill level to be, but it was supposed to be higher than what I’m seeing.

Ugh… I know, it sounds worse than he had intended. But he’s also kinda right. Maybe I had even envisioned myself roping cattle by now. I don’t honestly remember what 2.5-year milestone I had set when I started. I probably did expect myself to feel more confident and comfortable when riding out in the fields and on the trails. But these days I spend most of my time in the arena, because I like to work on the technical aspect of riding. I’m a bit perfectionist that way. I feel like being out in the fields is too distracting, and I can’t focus/obsess on the horse’s feet and steps and cadence. I’m such a lune.

Anyway, whatever. Riding was a nice way to kick off the week, but then that evening, Bubbey got sick, as I mentioned yesterday. Sunday night I slept like crap again. Remy was restless at night. I’m telling you, this sleep problem is going to be the death of me! On Monday, John stayed home sick. I was on nurse patrol, checking his temp every few hours, going to the grocery for nourishment, cooking up meats that had been out of the freezer a tad too long. I upped the dosage for Remy but then I ran out of meds, so it was only upped for like a random day. Back to the vet. You get the story: tedium, tedium. Suddenly, the day’s over.

Today, I was to start anew. Bubbey was sick in the morning but decided to go in later. I was going to do job apps, proceed with the coaching, do my virtual storytelling conference, and do my class, etc. Then my dad’s email account (which he has me check, esp while he’s away) gets an email that the heat is out in the rental condo, and the tenant is freezing. Well believe it or not, that shot my whole day, because it’s fucking 10 degrees in Washington these days. So I was on the phone nearly all day back and forth with like six people trying to coordinate a repair appointment and trying to get this issue resolved. Repair man said one thing. Building manager said another. Then for some reason, everyone had a middle man, so rather than speak directly to the repair tech, I had to go through his dispatcher. Rather than talk to the tenant, I had to speak with her boss who actually signed the lease on behalf of the company. And seriously, the tech and building manager had totally opposite takes on what was wrong. Tech said it’s a building issue. Building manager insisted it’s specific to the heater inside the unit. Round and round and round. Now the tech has turned on the emergency heat so the tenant is happy, but there are still questions on what the culprit is. I had to call my dad overseas twice to see whether any parts had been replaced, blah, blah. To be continued tomorrow. The webinar I was trying to take today as part of the Virtual Storytelling Conference this week? Shot to hell.

Ah well, the good news today is that I randomly contacted someone for an informational interview, and she said yes! Now I have two interviews for Friday. Interestingly, late last night I watched/read a bunch of postings by the Human Workplace. I love the lady Liz’s spunk and sass. But as much as I agree with everything she says, I have a hard time believing there are actually companies out there really, truly ok with deviating from the established recruitment process. Seriously. Just this week, I called Yahoo to inquire the hiring manager’s name for their division, Yahoo for Good. I had spent all this time scouring for the contact online but to no avail. When I called to ask, they said they don’t give out that info. Really? You can’t tell me the director of one of your divisions? Then I also asked about reaching out directly to the hiring manager for another position I applied for. I was advised from an internal source to let the normal process play out a bit. I mean, maybe to Liz’s point, some rules are just meant to be broken. I dunno. Job hunting really is a weird ball game.

In other news, John and I switched from Verizon to T-Mobile two Sundays ago. Unfortunately, reception at home is now worse than ever. John was stressing about his mistake to switch over, so I called T-mobile and spoke with a bunch of reps to get a signal booster sent out to us. Blah, blah, the unit was supposed to be expedited, but someone fucked up and the UPS Ground was irreversible and no more units could get shipped to me. Yeah, unbelievably complicated. Well tomorrow is finally the day of delivery. I sure hope this signal booster works, because I am not about to take on yet another logistical task to suck all my fucking time.