Category Archives: Events

Day 2 of the Conference

OMG, I got zero sleep last night. Yes, I practically had a slumber party all by myself. You see, yesterday morning, I just had to try the in-room espresso machine, bc well fuck, that shit is free. Nevermind that I am super duper HYPERsensitive to caffeine. I figured, heck, I had all damn day to let that shit process through my body. Well, the conference ran 1 – 7p, and then since the pool was closed (major banker hours), I ended up hanging in my room doing work. Then I blogged. Then, whatever, whatever, the next thing I know, it’s fucking 4:30a and I have to get up before 8 to hop in the shower and continue my free-a-thon with the continental breakfast. I know, it’s my own damn fault. I kill myself.

Day 2 of the conference was good except that I kept getting bullshit work email, so that was distracting. And then the conference did this experimental live streaming session with panelists in the UK. The audio sucked, and then on top of that, it like required too much brain power for me to decipher their accents. I know, the Brit accent isn’t that severe, but I’m a tard. Too much brain power. Even though I zoned out on some of the sessions, I did much better today making connections, i.e. spamming people with my business cards.

I have to say, the higher ed scene is an interesting space. It actually feels very high school. The development people are all the cheerleader/cool kids with their school spirit and leadership and involvement (both as students and as alums). The communications people are a lot of ex-journos, so extroverted and curious. The data/techie people are more in the weeds. So the morning keynote yesterday was this Ken-doll-esque sports captain dude with two Ivy League degrees. He’s the CEO of a data aggregation platform that we actually use at my school. For my own professional dev challenge, I knew I had to make the connection. Well all day yesterday, people swarmed around him. I felt intimidated, not only by his academic pedigree but you know, big dog CEO plus he’s all JFK and shit. I dunno. So today, I finally caught him in a solo moment, engrossed on his phone and laptop, and then I went in for the kill. I said that I really enjoyed his talk yesterday, and he replied, “Why?” Yeah, I had to do a double take! What an unexpected reply. It was fine: I explained my connection to his company, that I used his tool last night, blah, blah. I think I played it cool, but I was def a little thrown off. And of course, he later introduced me to another client. In a very high school fashion, she barely gave me two seconds to exchange cards. That’s what I mean. More so than any other industry conference I have attended, this conference really has a strange way of transporting me back to high school with all its awkward and insecure moments.

And let me just say… those development people? Always so beautiful and polished and confident. I mean, it makes sense. They’re the schmoozers, right? I remember a few years back, I toyed with this idea of working in sales. I was convinced that a sales gig would give me super powers, and I would finally be able to stop being inconvenienced by my discomfort and social awkwardness. When I mentioned this to J and all my friends, they all just shook their heads, without a second of hesitation. I mean, radical honesty is radical honesty. They didn’t see it. I actually think I could do it. I might not be super good at it, and it might drain me, but I think I could definitely learn and improve enough to be decent. I mean I did cold calls at the fuel cell startup, and I was ok. Then again, I admit, it would probably never come naturally. Still, how cool to have that charisma and instant magnetism. Haha, listen to me. What it must be like to be cool and popular. Sigh, sigh! See??? Back in high school again.

Anyway, like I said, I met a lot of people today. I happened to sit next to a UC Santa Cruz person, and then she introduced me to a Mills College lady and a guy from UCLA. Interestingly, all of them were former journalists. Isn’t that sad? Fucking news, man. No one cares anymore about the cold hard facts. People just want to see fluffed, sensationalized crap. And social totally aids and abets that shift. We went to a ceviche spot together for lunch. I also met the ED of Marketing and Comm for Texas A&M. Wow, the way he described Galveston there on the ocean. Sounded beautiful PLUS their mascot is a mini horse. I mean, I’m sold!! Texas anyone?

So my bud Josh flies in tonight. Kinda late, so I’m going to research some food options for a late dinner. I managed to squeeze in some pool and hot tub time earlier as soon as the sessions let out. Still cloudy outside but the pool was nice. I dunno why more people don’t go in the pool. They just lay around, and there’s no f-ing sun!! Doesn’t make sense. I went in the hot tub too. It was super hot (yay!) and cloudy as hell. So kinda gross, but I made the best of it. Incidentally, I just discovered a foosball table in the next building. Love foosball. We’ll see if J is up for a game later.

College Night

My boss frequently touts the events and activities on campus. She says being with the students gives her renewed energy and enthusiasm. Spoken like a true parent, right? Supposedly, kids keep you young and in touch. I’m skeptical but whatever I’m all about extracurricular activities. To date, I have attended a half dozen or so events, and fuck man, afterwards I always leave there depressed as hell. This past week, I attended “College Night” at the museum on campus. The concept was a museum open house with artsy crafty activities like henna tats and block prints (lithograph-style) plus live music, dance performances, a Capella, etc. I bumped into three of my interns while there. One intern practically showed up in her PJs. I know, it’s college living where everything blends together. I also saw someone else wearing a dress I own from Target. It’s a romper I bought a few years back. Perhaps it’s no longer age inappropriate for me. Overall, the evening was just a really weird experience of feeling out of place and disconnected. Not that these feelings are at all foreign to me. Certainly, I am very conditioned to uncomfortable and awkward moments. I don’t let them deter me. Still, I left feeling a tinge of regret. Why didn’t I have more fun when I was in school? Also, how the hell was college fucking 20+ years ago??? I know I’m not an old crusty just yet, but I feel sad for the lost time… the time that was squandered and is gone forever. Usually, I try not to focus too much on regret and things in my past. It really is pointless, wasted energy bc nothing there can be changed. But when I do occasionally indulge in this kind of destructive reflection, fuck man, I lost so many years to bad skin and freaking neuroses from hell. Thankfully, I have a new life now, an active and vibrant one, but the years ahead feel so numbered. I dunno why I feel so pessimistic. I mean, whatever happened to gratitude and embracing the present, right?

I guess having this whole past month focused on the oldies and eldercare just makes me overthink more than usual (imagine that!). I really need to proactively fight against turning into a depressed, isolated, inactive, and hermetic old person. Note to self, goddamnit.

So anyway, I left the bash and arrived home about 10p. I called Bubbey to lament further. It was 1a back East, so naturally, he fell asleep on me mid-conversation. However, he did manage to leave me with one thought. He assured me that there are more good times ahead for us. Just look at Marty. He is having the time of his life, and he is an uber oldie. So true. I need to chill the fuck out and stop wallowing in this ridic pool of self pity. 

On a positive note, I started up my 7 min workout this week. After 35 cumulative minutes on this program, I am already feeling the difference in my arms. Haha. Yuppers, Hercules is making a comeback!

Friendships Revisited

I didn’t blog about this, but April 1 marked the one-year anniversary of Remy’s death. For the most part, I handled the occasion fine: I felt a general numbness throughout the day, but I didn’t really talk about it at work. I felt like I had cried enough in the workplace over the last few weeks. John and I had planned to celebrate Remy by making crab cakes for dinner, bc Remy was a seafood fiend. Of course, by the time we both got home that night, we were too damn tired to cook. I don’t even remember what we ended up eating. Later that night we scrolled through some old pics of Rems. It’s crazy, but the resolution of those DSLR pics is amazing. I could practically feel the softness of her dense, velvety fur in those photographs.

The next day, I decided to do a Remy dinner do-over. John mentioned being home by 7p. So I made a salad and the crab cakes. By 7:30, still no word. I saw from iPhone tracking that John was somewhere in Foster City. I figured that he went for drinks and bites with some coworkers, so I texted him, and he replied that he got “caught up at work.” Oh no you didn’t just lie to me!! WTF?????? Yeah, I gave him a mouthful after he got home. Basically, he lied for simplicity’s sake. Lame. I mean, if you’re gonna lie, at least save it for something important or critical, right?

Anyway, the combo of Remy and March Madness and then me being in Berkeley the week before for a conference just got me thinking and analyzing my friendships again. For my conference in Berkeley, my friend J and I had made plans to meet up: he was going to drive down from Richmond. We had last met in person maybe a year ago or something? And then our email communications had pretty much waned to an exchange every few months. So we made plans to meet up, and I even confirmed the day before like, “Are we still on? If you’re too busy, don’t worry about it.” Partly, I didn’t have much confidence in his execution but also, having just returned from MD, I just wasn’t going to get all worked up about it. To my surprise, he confirmed that lunch was still on. Great!

So the next morning, as I drove to the conference venue at like 8a, he texted that he had to bail. Ok, now I was pissed. The thing is, had this been a one time occurrence, fine. Let it slide. But for the last few years, I’ve seriously been the one making all the effort, and now he fucking cancels last minute? Livid. I just didn’t even want to get into it. I texted back a curt “ok.” Fucking flake!! And all this after the shitty month I had been having with work, my interns, my grandfather, my mother, my friends’ medical troubles, etc. Normally, my tolerance for this kind of bullshit is decent, but this just was not the day. Whatever though, I still enjoyed the conference: I had a nice on-site lunch chatting with strangers and basking in the sunshine. What do you know, ten minutes before afternoon sessions were to resume, J called. Sorry, something came up, blah, blah, blah. Are you mad? Are you disappointed? Truthfully, I let the first set of rings go to voice mail. He called again, and I was in such a foul mood about it, I shouldn’t have even answered the phone. I didn’t give a shit about the excuses. I’m sure they were legit as hell. We’re all fricking adults here with real responsibilities and all, but I just couldn’t hide my irritation. He tried to make small talk, but I was so frustrated and done with it that I pretty much shut down and just answered his questions like a goddamn robot. And then as the call neared the end, I blurted in autopilot, something like “It’s fine. We’ll just try again next time.” Fuck, why the hell did I say that, bc I sure as hell didn’t mean it!! For someone who doesn’t lie, I dunno what happened. I wasn’t even thinking straight.

Immediately, John’s advice about NOT employing a scorched earth policy came to mind. Dormant vs. active. “Make this an area of personal growth,” he would tell me. Fuck it, man. I honestly do NOT know how to do dormant. With other friends, sure, there have been long periods of silence, but I never truly STOP thinking about those friends.

After I hung up, I was annoyed with myself. Why did I say to try again? I’m done trying! Do I think he flaked to be mean? No. He sounded genuinely sorry, and the call felt like an attempt to reconcile. But it’s just not enough. There have been too many times, and frankly, I’m tired. I’m tired of so often playing the role of the friend who does more, who initiates, who organizes, who spends the time and energy trying to be thoughtful or helpful. I am that person in so many of my relationships. Yes, that “style” is very much who I am, and no one has ever asked me to do those things. I do them willingly, knowing full well that there is no contract of reciprocity. But god fucking dammit. At some point, particularly when I am under stress, I need something back! I am not a needy or demanding friend but sometimes my bucket has to be filled too!

Since the conference, I haven’t initiated any contact. We play each other on Words with Friends, but I play a bunch of people on that. A means to an end. Haha. Surprisingly, this week he emailed about the Duke win and also included a link to the Adam Levine stage storming story. I haven’t replied. It’s very unlike me, and I hate when people get all jaded and spiteful and closed off after they get hurt. I won’t deny that NOT responding feels like some strange form of acting out. But I do think this is an important exercise for me: I need to be better about prioritizing my relationships and really demoting those that don’t fill my bucket.

With March Madness, I thought a lot about my Duke friends. I called J in Boston. I had emailed him a few times in the last two months. No reply. I called and was like, wtf dude? Turns out, my emails delivered to his inbox, he just didn’t read them. Like, they got lost in the shuffle with the other emails. See? This is what I’m talking about. Come on, people! But then we chatted for like 2 hrs, and I was over it. He’s a fellow workaholic, so I cut him some slack. Then I emailed my friend A (aka my pre-Bubbey college crush). He replied immediately, and we’re going to try and meet up the next time he’s in SF for business (this month). We’ll see whether that materializes. Finally, I emailed my college roommie, sending her belated bday wishes. No reply. No response also to my housewarming/Xmas gift.

Thankfully, around this same time, my friend JB emailed me on Easter, my friends J&J texted about grandpa, MK emailed about stuff I revealed in my blog, my Duke nonprofit class bud sent me a text, and my ex-boss R emailed me with some pics of his new kitties. I really appreciated the thoughtful notes. The universe really keeps changing tides. Maybe there’s something about the full moon.

Btw, have you noticed that I am drawn to people whose names start with J! The count is up to 8!

Year of the Ram/Sheep/Goat

Jesus fucking Christ. I am exhausted. You would think I were a new mom or an ER surgeon or something, working some uber intense job saving lives while raising a family and going to school. But nope. I’m just doing social media and taking an online class. Haha. I know, I got issues. I could probably work a purely clerical job and still give myself fucking UTI.

Whatever though. As low priority as my shit is, I am freaking tired! Last Saturday, we hosted about 12 people for a Chinese New Year celebration. J and I used to have parties and people over all the damn time, but now? Not so much. So we were kind rusty on the party prep. I swear though, between the grocery shopping and prep and recipe research and actual cooking and cleaning… it nearly killed me. I mean, on the bright side, I’m super pleased with how everything turned out: nearly everyone came and we had a great time hanging out and stuffing our pieholes with chicken/cabbage potstickers, roast duck, curry shrimp noodles, salads, sides, and dessert. We really pulled off a proper feast, and I’m pleased to report that we gauged the amount pretty darn accurately! There was very little food waste and just a container-full of leftovers.

The thing about parties though is, you want everything to be made fresh for the guests, so that always means a mad dash to the finish line. In the future, I gotta figure out something I can make ahead of time and then just reheat, because hell, you know me: I cannot drive a car and have a conversation. One of my guests was trying to tell me about a pizza peel and some special gadget to transfer your pizza pie to/from the baking steel… No matter how many times he explained the contraption to me, I could not focus enough while cooking my potstickers to understand him. I swear he thought I was dumb and slow. Later, I had to research that shit on YouTube, and yeah, it wasn’t that hard a concept to understand. But whatever, I have my multitasking limitations man.

Incidentally, in my haste in the kitchen, I managed to drop by food processor blade on my bare foot. I have no idea how I didn’t chop off my goddamn toes. Not even a drip of blood, which is freaking miraculous considering how prone I am to injury. Of course, I still got mine when I mis-gauged the fire power of our new range and burned my finger on the hot roasting rack. Yup, full on blister.

The rest of the day was a blur. My friends brought their 6-week old newborn: It was his first party ever. Then my other friends brought their two little boys: a 6 y/o and a 2 y/o. Yeah, first time having my house invaded by kiddies. It’s probably good I was busy cooking in the kitchen, because had I been fully engrossed in conversation, my endless string of cuss words would have adulterated those young, innocent, polite kiddie minds. I majorly crashed after my party. And the next day, I woke up sick. Lame. Thankfully, I was back in the saddle come Monday. Back up and at it, saving lives and shit!

What else. My online class is going well. I just wrapped week 5 of 8. Turns out, I’m actually re-purposing my homework that I just submitted on Sunday for a meeting I’m holding tomorrow. Not bad finding real world applications for my learning.

I was excited to receive a package of new underwear today. Yup, AEO was having a massive sale, so I decided to do a sweeping upgrade. My shit is deluxe now! Don’t ask me what I’m doing with the old stuff. You know I’m not going to just dump it in the trash. Oh no. ;P

Ok, I’m sure there are other updates to share, but my brain is fried. My friend N undergoes surgery on Wednesday to get her vertebrae re-fused. I really hope the surgery goes well, because this immobility shit is for the birds. I feel better knowing that she’s at least getting the surgery done at a legit medical facility (UNC-CH). Fingers crossed for a successful operation and speedy recovery. Man, to think that, as a kid, I was so overwhelmed with worry about school and grades and “my future.” I shake my head now, thinking back to that younger version of me. Adult life is so much more involved and complex.

Glorifying Busy

Remember way back in July when I gushed about seeing Arianna Huffington at BlogHer? She did this whole spiel about how our culture loves to glorify busy. Well, I definitely felt the truth in her words, but shit, old habits die hard.

Somehow, months later, I have found myself back on the treadmill. Today, I was in SF for Day 2 of the Social Good Tech Summit. Yeah, I paid for the tickets on my own and attended for myself. No surprise there. I’m a nerd at heart. At least, work let me count Friday as a professional development day!

So today’s session was good, but it was also an honest reminder that I really am a step or two outside of my sweet spot. Social media for higher ed just isn’t in that inner circle where tech intersects with social impact. That realization makes me kinda sad. The other takeaway from today is that I’m starting to get soft again. Remember those times when I was networking like a fiend, going to event after event, introducing myself to strangers, posing questions to speakers, trading contact info with random people I met? I worked so damn hard, desensitizing myself to my social anxieties and now, those skills are soft again. Yesterday, I must have gone the entire day at the conference without conversing with anyone. Ok, so I introduced myself once, but then I really didn’t engage in conversation. So lame. Naturally, out of fear of regression, today I made a point of asserting myself. Super uncomfortable. I met a German guy who blogs about travel and wearables. I also chatted with a Czech lady about social enterprises. She was smart, not to mention tall, blonde, and gorgeous. Some days I really wonder what it must be like to be white, blonde, blue-eyed, and tall. The world must respond in such a different way… Or even if I were a dude… So many things would be different. But I digress. The people I met today were nice, but afterwards I felt so lacking. Like the lady was so hungry about creating and growing her startup. Talking to her made me think about being hungry vs. being busy. Which am I? I was so inspired yesterday by the presenters who were using tech to facilitate real, concrete change: registering a shit ton of voters; creating visualization apps to help doctors more accurately treat (and educate patients about) brain cancer; training family members of sick patients in India to have a better understanding of ailments and treatments… What am I doing day to day? How is my work contributing to change? The link is pretty weak. Yet, I continue convincing myself that in some way I am building new skills, learning new things… I  am feeling more comfortable and more settled into my role now. I feel happy too when my students are excited and eager to share their ideas and thoughts with me. I hope that I’m a good manager and that they enjoy working with me…

Famous and successful working women always say that “having it all” is a sham: you can’t “have it all” at the same time. Their comments remind me that people do things for different reasons at different times. So what are my reasons for doing this right now? And for how long will those reasons hold? So many thoughts swirling in my head. Are you sick already of hearing them?

Interestingly, I came across this article the other day about Type A personalities. What do you think? I know, I will spend my whole life trying to deny that I am Type A. If this reveals anything, J and I actually reviewed the list together item by item, and he claims that I meet at least 22 of the 25 criteria. See? I’m moderate.

Btw, I recently discovered some fitness programs included as part of my on-demand cable subscription. You know me: always lured by two keywords– free (or included) and fast. This time, it happens to be Jillian Michael’s 20-Minute Shred. Yes, considerably longer than my 7-minute workout, but this gives me something interesting to watch while I sweat my brains out. I have done two days so far. Yeah, those ripped muscles are emerging already!

Fighting the Funk

I’ve been in a total funk lately. Just two months ago, I was all bright-eyed and cheery about landing my new job. Then the job started, and I quickly grew overwhelmed by the pressure of having to constantly produce content and for a very broad audience. Being at a religious institution, surrounded by college students, I also felt really out of place for the environment and for the job. In turn, that led to a major crisis in confidence, and since then I’ve been battling to get back on even footing.

The thing about change is that you grow to expect the unexpected. After the past year, I consider myself a seasoned pro– someone who even gravitates towards and actively seeks change. Well, apparently not. I really questioned whether this misfit would eventually work itself out.

The good news is, after putting in a shit ton of extra hours and effort early on, I queued up content for my trip to Asia in November, got back, and then resumed pounding the pavement. By December, I was feeling better, like I was maybe getting the hang of things. But just as I was starting to acclimate at work, anxiety and depression started creeping in. Everyday, SOMEthing compounded my growing negativity. Last time, I wrote about the disheartening news about N. I’m annoyed now because more than a week later, I have yet to speak with her. Part of the problem is the East Coast-West Coast time zone difference. Also, last week I had a lot of work-related events after hours. Still, she just isn’t answering the phone. And that pisses me off. Yes, I know firsthand that people withdraw when they are in a funk. After all, who wants to burden others with his/her woes, right? On the other hand, I don’t like feeling blown off, and you know me with my “friendship cultivation.” Anyway, her situation causes emotional distress: the problem-solver part of me wants to find a solution; the friend part of me requires her interaction and participation to talk it through; the depressed part of me wants to just let it all go. Fuck the world. Jekyll and Hyde, anyone??

These last few weeks, I’ve been feeling a sense of danger, like internally, a red flag is going up. There have been multiple moments where I have felt frustration and anger bubbling inside. I describe the bubbling as “rage,” but my friend T says rage is an outward, uncontrollable blindness. In these instances, I have never erupted, but I feel super unsettled inside, like I’m nearing an edge. Am I about to completely lose my shit and go mental? I dunno. Some days it really seems possible! So here’s the plan moving forward.

First things first: I’m cutting back with work. In the last week, especially with the holidays and all, I’ve definitely noticed a lot of slacking off at the office. The holidays don’t really have that kind of an effect on me, because I dunno, I guess I’m usually not that holiday-spirited, but still, I made sure to attend all the “fun” staff holiday events. I need to chill the fuck out, after all. Also, I considered these good opportunities to bond with people I currently know/like, while also familiarizing myself with potential allies in other departments. Two birds, one stone, baby. Truth be told, I am still clocking in extra hours, but it’s definitely curtailed, so go me! The other good thing (a pleasant surprise) is, I’m now pretty good friends with two people in my department– sadly, one is leaving but the other one started two weeks after me, so we’re newbies together. Both are very funny and super knowledgeable about media, marketing, and pop culture. They say they are also game for karaoke, so I’m very thrilled to add to my karaoke posse.

Second, I’m finally moving my ass more. I know exercise is one of life’s little secrets, and shit my bud M is so disciplined with it. I’m not yet back to doing the 7 Minute workout, but I am walking more on campus and taking the pups on extended walks. The plan is to reintroduce 7 Min very soon.

Third, now that Martin’s tests have all come back normal, we’ve been troubleshooting his trembling, anxiety, and spooking. We had a weird suspicion last week that maybe he was hearing some kind of electronic device that was inaudible to us. So one night, we unplugged a bunch of things in the house: the wine fridge, the laser printer, the dropcams, a bunch of stuff. Whaddya fucking know? He slept through the night. We continued the test for two nights (same results) and then slowly brought the electronics back online one by one. For the most part, all of us are sleeping better through the night. I still get up around 2-3a to use the bathroom, and last night, Martin was pacing again, but hopefully, he was just anxious because he saw all of our luggage out. I’m always fascinated by how dogs piece together those patterns. Anyway, I still feel like I have a sleep deficit to overcome, but my goal is to be all even Steven by the new year. And with decent sleep, I will be ready to conquer the world. Muhahaha.

Fourth, I’m bringing back the hobbies. Last week, I busted yuki out for the first time in over a year. I realized recently that there is a part of me that’s very “all or nothing” about skills and hobbies. I have to be making noticeable progress of some kind; otherwise, I don’t want to invest the time. This is an attitude I’d like to change. My friend J once remarked, “Why are you taking riding lessons? Who cares about the techniques? You love to ride. Just take the horse out and ride!” His comment kinda took me aback when he said it, but thinking back, he might really be on to something. I had been so obsessed with the technique– the beats, the rhythm and counts, the correct diagonal, the exact right nudge at the precise part of the horse… A mild case of perfectionism, maybe? I see his point, and I actually think it boils down to the absence of mindfulness. I rarely enjoy moments for their own sakes. Everything is some sort of means to an end. I would like to be more mindful.

In that vein, I bought myself a new karaoke system last weekend. I’d been missing karaoke for a long time, and even though I love the KTV house in Cupertino, the place doesn’t allow any alcohol or outside food. I mean, I don’t need booze to have fun, but my friends do (ha!), plus what’s a party without food and drink? Whatever, I did a little bit of research and discovered that a new system is on the scene– made by the creators of Guitar Hero. I found the system in store locally and bought the system the very next day. Yes, I have already clocked in several hours of solo singing. Haha! Slowly but surely, my plan for recalibration WILL work.

Back in Action Post-Asia

The last several weeks, I had every intention of resuming a regular schedule of blogging. For some reason though, my days have felt rather endless, and my mind is too muddled to come up with any content that is cohesive or articulate.

We returned from Asia, and this first week back went ok. I’m back to scouring for content 24/7, and I’ve also started taking a closer look at metrics. My boss and I hosted a web-based social media conference where we invited social media counterparts from all over campus. The conference speakers were really good… they showcased a lot of innovative campaigns and such that other universities have implemented with great success. I learned a lot from the case studies, and I also enjoyed meeting some of my peers elsewhere on campus. That said, I’m feeling the pressure to come up with new ideas and creative ways of harnessing social media. Honestly, I dunno what tricks I’m going to pull out of my hat, but hopefully, ideas will come to me somehow.

I recently purchased a Razor scooter– an adult-sized one. I figured that it would be a great way to get me on campus more often. Interestingly, the senior VP came by my office the other day, and he said, “You know, I have a lot of kids (he has SIX actually), so I’m usually up on all the trends. I have to say though, I haven’t seen Razor scooters in a really long time.” Ugh, is that your way of telling me I’m out of date, because hell, I will be the first one to tell you I am always ten years behind on fads. Haha! Whatever though. I took that scooter out for a spin, and the thing runs fast. It’s definitely not as stable as I had expected, plus the thing is a little heavier than I had hoped, but dang, it sure is fun to ride! I was zipping around at the park, and Marty had to run just to keep up with me. I think this is going to work out well.

Speaking of getting on campus, The Blind Cafe was at the university yesterday. Basically, it’s an organization that puts on dinner in the dark activities with the goal of bridging the gap between the sighted and the blind. I was so curious about the concept, that I got tickets immediately. When I told John, he was not interested. Dinner in the dark with strangers? Nope, an introvert’s nightmare. So, I ended up going alone, but shit, while waiting for the event to start, I struck up a conversation with a really cool lady who is the spouse of a university staffer. Super fun lady, and as it turns out, we have a ton in common. She’s a deal hunter AND she and her hubby are also huge fans of the San Jose Improv. She also turned me on to an open mic spot with killer Cajun food. I hope we’ll meet up to catch a show together. What a random but pleasant encounter! Then, the dinner itself was such a mind-blowing experience. Blind wait staff led us, single file, hands on the shoulder of the person in front of you, into a pitch black room. We were lead to our seats at a table, and then we were off to feel and converse our way through the six tapas dishes and dessert.

Holy shit. First, I don’t even sleep in that level of darkness. The only other place even close to being that pitch black was the Grand Canyon but even then, there was some light from the stars. What a crazy thing to imagine and experience this glimpse of what it’s like to be blind and living in darkness. The food was just gourmet tapas, but it was interesting eating with our hands and tasting without seeing. Later, there was a Q&A session where diners asked the blind waitstaff questions. There are programs to train blind people about independent living but shit, that sounds so incredibly hard! For example, how do blind people remember people they’ve met without having the visual data? Lots of questions that I had never pondered before. After Q&A, there was live music. Yes, one of the key organizers also plays in a band!! The Blind Cafe was a really great experience. Admittedly, after being in complete darkness for 2.5 hours, I was so thankful to get back into the light…

Good Food Takes Time

One of my favorite pizza joints in San Mateo has this sign next to the register. It’s worded in a rather impolite, unapologetic kinda tone, basically saying that good food takes time. If you want fast, go elsewhere for that shit.

This weekend, J and I were in Atlanta for my college roommate’s wedding. In undergrad, we were really close. We roomed together for three years, and during the summers away from campus, we wrote each other regularly. She’s the one who showed me how to make my own stationery envelopes out of magazine pages. After college, things changed. She went to med school, then entered residency. She was in the AirForce too, so she moved around every two or thee years. Life was especially hectic and busy for her. Whenever we got a chance to catch up, there were tons of new names, new stories, new travels to keep straight. Her personality seemed to evolve over time too. In college, she was often very last minute and up to the wire. Now, she was an uber planner: shit was plotted meticulously. Perhaps being a physician demanded this.

Throughout the years, she had numerous relationships. She fell in love easily, and this tempestuous and exciting lifestyle seemed quite glamorous to me. But by our early to mid-30s, I could sense that the routine was wearing on her. The dating, the mismatches, the creeps, the jerks, the nice guys who bored her… I felt her frustration, and I myself couldn’t understand the unfairness in all of this. I mean, how was this gem continually being overlooked? She was smart, assertive, self sufficient, funny, warm, fun… why was her love life such a series of misses? The experience exhausted her and sometimes she would take a break, but invariably, she would get back on the wagon and try again with renewed conviction. Maybe these are the moments when you understand that there is no real choice except to move forward. And voila! Two years ago, she met her match. And what a match S is. When you see the two of them together, the chemistry is palpable. They really complement each other well.

When I received the wedding invitation a year or so ago and discovered it was a destination wedding in Atlanta, a part of me hesitated. I wondered whether it would really matter if J and I attended. After all, Y and I had mostly lost touch. With some friends, you lose touch and as soon as you meet again, things are just like old times. With Y, I saw her a few years ago, and while we were certainly comfortable, we never quite recaptured that same level of magic and intimacy that we shared in college. Thinking about why, maybe there were things in the past that were said, things that were done, maybe there were aspects of being roommates for three years that just kind of weakened the relationship. I don’t really know. People change and evolve. Friendships ebb and flow. Regardless, I eventually decided that this event was the culmination of a very long and arduous journey for her. She had finally found love, and I really wanted to celebrate this special day with her.

The party was a huge bash. She’s Puerto Rican. He’s Egyptian. Enough said, right? Friday night, there was a mix and mingle-style dinner at a rooftop restaurant. Saturday night was the ceremony, reception, and dance party. The setting was a swanky hotel downtown, with a terrace nestled among skyscrapers. Awesome. Sunday was brunch. An entire weekend affair. We met her baby boy too, whom she had just birthed four months ago. Monster baby. I mean, I don’t know that much about child development, but last week, I’d just visited my friend, whose baby is 14 months, and Y’s kid is about that size. He looked so heavy hanging in her skinny arms and against her tiny body. But he was very cutely dressed in a tuxedo onesie, and he was impressively well-behaved. There were about 350 guests. We spent most of the evening with our fellow dorm mate, M. Good times.

Now, I’m on the flight home. And I’m thinking about the journey of finding the right person/job/place/anything. I don’t necessarily think work is at the same level of importance as a partner, but it’s still up there. I met a lot of power players at the wedding: ER surgeons. Dentists. Lawyers. Corporates. The comparison game happens like clockwork. Even though I anticipate the reaction and the pitfall, the response is automatic, practically innate. I’m broken, ordinary, lost, unwanted, unskilled, utterly uncompelling. I know these thoughts do not serve me. I know they are self-destructive. But I am overwhelmed, feeling like I am the only person who has not figured out her life, who has not gotten her shit together. I try my best to pick myself up from feeling broken and insufficient. John always kisses me and tells me not to worry. He claims I’m a late bloomer. One day I will shine. I want to believe, but most days, I don’t. Or most days, I do only briefly… and then I don’t.

I think about Y and her decade plus-long journey searching for love. At times, she was exasperated. She had her self-doubts, she questioned what was wrong with her. But in the end, she forged ahead and continued to push for what she wanted. Persistence, faith, and conviction. The pot of gold was there at the end of the rainbow.

Maybe Windy City Pizza is right: good food takes time. If you can’t embrace the process and demonstrate some fucking patience, go eat that frozen Mama Celeste shit. I know, my mind works in bizarro ways. Pizza, marriage, job hunting. It’s all related!

[FAG id=7421]

Nerd at Heart

This afternoon I met a fellow ProMatcher for an info interview. I know, it’s the weekend and some people might suggest that I take a frickin’ break. What can I say, I’m intense. The thing is, I’m considering volunteering for a sustainability nonprofit, where I can learn about Salesforce for Nonprofits implementation… This ProMatcher has been volunteering for the org the last several months, so I wanted to pick her brain about that experience. She herself is quite Type A and apparently, today was the only time she had free in like a week. Anyhow, the conversation was super helpful. She is a former project manager, so I felt like she gave very organized and thoughtful feedback, even down to specifying the pros and cons for me. It was nice to receive information in such digestible chunks, actually. I read something recently saying that listening is super exhausting. And that’s so true. Having all these interviews and info interviews where I really have to concentrate, listen, and then respond accordingly with smart, relevant questions… no wonder I feel so damn tired!!

So back to this vol opp I’m considering: moving forward, I think if I can clearly define how many hours and what duration I’m willing to commit, this could be a very strategic opportunity where I learn the skills I’ve been wanting to learn and I can make connections with other key entities. You see, this org is a consortium of corporate, government, NGO partners, so I think there will be lots of potential contacts into philanthropy and corporate social responsibility. That’s the hope anyway. I plan to decide in the next day or two.

In other news, oddly but thankfully, Martin is finally calming the fuck down. The last two days, we’ve had zero incidents with anxiety, so maybe his issue was just a passing thing? No idea. But the vet finally got back to me, and if the weird behavior comes back, we have a few options. Meanwhile, I’m convinced my strategy of spraying a sock with lavender essential oil and wrapping it under his collar was the solution. Haha!

As for the flea dilemma, I am still keeping up with the daily vacuuming and brushing. I’m also trying the additional precaution of sprinkling salt all over the floors to dehydrate any remaining survivors. I’m hoping for complete and lasting eradication very soon. Goddamn, those pests have been a major pain!

John and I went for a bike ride this afternoon. We just rode around Mountain View near the Google campus. Turns out there’s some “Beyond Wonderland” electronica festival going on at Shoreline Amphitheater this weekend. I’d heard about it the night before on the news, and at the time, I thought: wow, that could be really fun. Well thank goodness, that was the end of my musings because shit, in Mountain View we got a nice slice of the attendee demographic. Let’s just say, it’s a lot like Halloween. Yes, ladies (many of them girls) wearing super risque, raunchy outfits with bunny ears. I suppose the rabbit ears are part of the Alice in Wonderland theme? I don’t really know, but that small glimpse was a good reminder. Indeed, I am way too prudish for that kind of bullshit. Plus, the music went on from like noon through 11p! Surely, I would have overdosed on electronica just a few hours in. Sigh. Like I said, I’m just not made for this world. Shrug. I’m a nerd at heart.

Day 2 of the BlogHer conference, and my mind and emotions are all aflutter. Is that the right word? I dunno. The morning kicked off with such a bang: Guy Kawasaki came on with Arianna Huffington. Guy was a speaker at last year’s conference. He has amazing stage presence with a very warm and approachable style, but shit, Arianna was a whole different level… she was freaking dynamo! Sure, she’s a media tycoon, so you totally expect her to be a master of PR and marketing, but still. Even with those expectations, goodness gracious, she wows. And not at all in that schmoozy, salesly kinda way. I mean, I’m no expert on social and emotional intelligence, but I’m just saying… there was a realness about her. People hate to use the term authenticity these days, but that’s what I witnessed. And shit, so sharp and witty. She talked about how her book, Thrive, came about after she had collapsed one day from exhaustion and burnout. She talked about the world’s obsession with being busy… this self-destructive glamorization of constantly working and struggling. Hello, I am so guilty! But there is a way to work hard towards goals while still maintaining the self. There is a way to be happy and healthy without necessarily stagnating.

By now, I’ve attended so many of these conferences and there’s always a common theme about growth and leadership. To a large extent, we do bad things to ourselves: the unrelenting self-doubt, the self-shaming, the inadequacies… quite frankly, we exhaust ourselves, because somehow we become convinced that filling our own buckets is selfish or indulgent. I push myself because learning and growing make me feel alive. But I need to do a better job of self-nurturing– of being less critical and more accepting. Huffington said that being chronically tired is now the new normal, and really, instead of viewing that as a badge of honor, I really should reinterpret that message as a red flag: there is something deeply and terribly wrong with feeling chronically shitty and drained.

BlogHer this year has been kind of interesting because I’m considering so many different avenues moving forward with my blog. On one hand, I have a whole list of things I should do to market and drive traffic to my blog: more visuals, add video, affiliate links, etc. On the other hand, I sat in on a talk about personal blogging and how for some people, the words are the treasures. Not the ads, not the videos, not the images, not the infographics. The words. I find myself a bit torn between always wanting to track the trends and build the skills to stay relevant, yet also honing my craft of storytelling through words. I’m not exactly sure how I will proceed after the conference ends today… maybe I will dabble in one and see where it leads.

I mentioned earlier that Kerry Washington was the keynote on Saturday. She was so low-key and down-to-earth. She stepped on the stage in jeans, flats, and a simple blouse, and when she spoke, she was so articulate and candid. She talked about how she’d done all kinds of roles… and that for her, as an actor, she considers it her responsibility to expose the humanity (and imperfections) of people. Deep, right? And she also hit on this really interesting complexity about being in this public online space: “I don’t read [online] comments, because its none of my business what you think of me. I’m living my life. I’m doing me. So as much as I like to participate in community, I don’t look to that community to affirm who I am.”

At times, I have struggled with what I expose on my blog, and how it might shape the way people perceive me. Sometimes, when former co-workers ask me about my blog, I have a reluctance to share the site. And I think it’s because I worry about the vulnerabilities I share, and how they might judge me. Perhaps the attitude going forward should really be more assured and relaxed. People are complicated. We don’t fit into rigid boxes of professional life and work life. The worlds collide, because they are all facets of our lives. I’m going to stop worrying about that shit. If my personal blog, which of course, does not reflect the views of my employer, offends in some way, they don’t have to read it. But I’m not going to stop writing it. After all, I have a point of view, and I have something to say. No apologies.

KW