Category Archives: Class

Carolina on my Mind

Is that the title of a song? It sounds kinda familiar, like a James Taylor song or something. I don’t know. My brain is pretty tired right now. This last week in NC has gone very well. I had a wonderful weekend with N in Wilmington, and then everything has so far gone off without a hitch in Durham. My one-way rental car was fine. The hotel checked out fine: the room is clean, and wifi is solid. The building exterior and breakfast are a bit sketchy, but whatever, it is seriously right next door to the class hotel at half the price. Cost above quality, baby!! Haha.

So as you know, on Sunday, the day I turned 38, I ventured back on campus for the first time in probably 13 years or so. The campus itself is beautiful, but god, it has changed so much! Even the Levine Science Center, which was brand spanking new my sophomore year, looked totally old and decrepit. I went to the student center, my old dormitory, the engineering buildings, etc. Most of my old spots on West Campus and on Science Drive. It really brought up a flurry of feelings: nostalgia, regret, sadness… I couldn’t help but wish that I had spent my college years differently. I was in such a beautiful and magical place, and yet, I was so blinded by anxiety and worry, not to mention two years of frustration and anger from having to babysit my asinine brother. And my mother wonders why I don’t have kids.

Anyway, the Duke nonprofit management program started on Monday and so far, it has been freaking awesome. The teachers are really excellent: they are organized, methodical, and the material is super practical and relevant. I am learning so damn much.

On the other hand, the networking with classmates hasn’t quite panned out for me; I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe the group is TOO diverse, but oh well, I am just so pleased with the content. And the crazy thing is, once all my costs are tallied, this program will actually come in only a few hundred bucks more than the SFSU program that spans several months doing a Friday night + all day Saturday schedule.

While in town, I’ve also managed to meet with a few people whom I had contacted through my info interviewing process back west. Those in-person meetings have gone great: the people have been remarkably nice, not to mention, beyond helpful. For the remaining nights, I don’t have activities planned, but I will likely ask around and see if some of the classmates want to hit the town for dinner or something. Classes will run through the weekend.

So when I had spoken with my mother last week, she had somehow forgotten that I was doing this program. Then when I told her again, she asked if it was part of an MBA program. No mom, it’s freaking 8 days. No one is going to earn an MBA in just over a week. I know, it was probably just an innocent question, but well, what can I say: the nemesis ruffles my feathers. Then she made some comment about how it’ll be hard to absorb all the info for a full day now that I’m older. She has realized that she has trouble staying awake during lectures and talks. Fair enough, except that I am 30 years her junior… And, little does she know, I am on a learning binge, so that is not a problem!! After class yesterday, I even came home and reviewed all the notes and then tried to read the financials. Sadly, the teacher kinda rushed through it towards the end, so now I don’t quite have that one down. This morning, I tried to ask some classmates about it, but no one had really looked at the materials after class, and no one seemed concerned. I guess I’m kinda intense about my learning. I will ask different people tomorrow.

And now it’s almost 1 a.m., and I am still up. I guess I was feeling some anxiety tonight, because I did some more job searching. Truthfully, I feel like I wasted the last six years of my life at the District. Nonprofits don’t consider government work nonprofit experience, and then because I did this combo of tech and communications, people don’t seem to want that either: the demands are either hardcore tech (i.e. Salesforce, coding, or database) or hardcore communications. So I’m just frustrated. I sent out some more info requests tonight, and maybe my next step will be the environmental focus, as one of my info interviewees suggested since that’s what the District mission was and that was also my academic background. That or I might just work to get that Salesforce certification. Sigh.

I keep running all these different permutations in my head… I am really antsy to work again in these new areas. I suppose I should just finish this class first and then see what simmers and rises to the top afterwards. Time for bed.

[[FAG id=7412]

Comfortable with Feeling Uncomfortable

In a lot of my professional development and coaching work, there’s a phrase that comes up frequently: Learn to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. This concept has probably been THE theme of the last several months of my life. In the past, I had always prided myself for doing all kinds of self-help/self-improvement but honestly, these last several months have tested me at a totally different level.

At the end of April, I attended a training in SF on storytelling for nonprofits. The speaker was a very impressive woman with commanding presence. She was a former broadcast journalist who had started her own video production company, crafting video stories to help nonprofits promote their work. I had just busted my ass speed walking from the Caltrain station to arrive at the classroom on time, and within the first two minutes of starting the talk, she gave the audience an assignment. Think of a story you want to tell. Now split up into partners, and tell your story in two minutes.

Hold up!!! Are you fucking serious? Already, I’m being subjected to this socially awkward activity? Shit!! I mean, what story am I gonna tell? She gave us a whiteboard list of suggestions like, a pet story or a travel story or a relationship story or a funny story. Goddamnit, really? I thought of my blog: surely, I’d be able to draw from my recent posts…

Nope. Nada, because ALL of my posts from the last two months have been about Remy, and shit, there is no way I’m going to bring that up to a stranger and lose my marbles in the process. I started panicking. WTF??? Thankfully, the rational, calmer part of my brain started convincing myself: you say you’re interested in communications work. This is what that shit is all about. (In other words, serves you right, dumbass!!) Now, think fast and go!

Luckily, my partner was some old startup exec, who apparently had his startup story all ready to go at the tip of his tongue. So he volunteered to speak first. That bought me some time. He talked about attending a bunch of hackathons, cobbling together an unexpected/unlikely team of developers, and then forming a startup to solve some medical patient education issue. Done. I had wanted to use his talk time to plan my story, but I actually had to pay attention, so that plan totally fell through. Then it was my turn, and the only story I could think of that was NOT about Remy, was my airplane story with L. Ugh. I wasn’t really confident in that story, but I had zero time so I rolled with it. I got through the story and then sat back utterly relieved. Then, the speaker asks, “Who wants to share their story with the class?”

Whaaa?? Jesus Christ. Enough already!! Thankfully, a few extroverts piped up. Then, my partner volunteered to tell his story, which basically came across like a company plug. Then the speaker asked, “Who has a personal story to share? …Does anyone recommend their partner’s story?” OMFG, she’s a freaking insatiable badger!!! So I sit there thinking, whatever. I’m in the front row, but I’m not gonna volunteer, and my partner’s not gonna recommend me. Let’s just get through this and on to the meat of this talk. Well, whatdya fucking know? He recommends my story. Yeah. Are you kidding? So then, she urges me: “Come tell your story.” She senses my hesitation and then says, we won’t force you if you wish to decline. Well great. Give me an out that makes me look like a wuss!!! So fine. I agree to do it. She makes me stand up and turn around to face the room full of like 50 people. I power through. And all during, I get dead stares and bored faces. Shit, shit, shit!!! She rings the silly little bell at the two-minute mark, and I’m not even done! I finally wrap it up in 30 seconds. Fuck. I mean, I’m someone who “Elizabeth Doles” every speaking opportunity possible, so this on-the-fly crap was a complete nightmare. It was awful. I don’t even know if people liked my story, but whatever, I got ‘er done. And as perfectionist as I am (I still think about how I could have told the story better), in retrospect, I’m glad that I stood up and spoke. It didn’t kill me, and surely, as I do more of these uncomfortable exercises, I’m desensitizing myself to the annoying anxiety and awkwardness, right? I’m going to overcome that shit, because I cannot be inconvenienced, you know what I’m saying? 🙂

The Magic of My Hugs

Earlier this week, I reported that Remy was having those strange heavy panting-collapse episodes. I had spoken to the vet tech and explained the scenario. To me, it seemed like behavior that was following down the path towards seizure, but somehow things would only get to phase 1 rather than like phase 3 (convulsions). The vet tech didn’t really know what it could be, but she said it would be most helpful to them if I could video the incident. Also, if her episodes don’t increase in severity or frequency, we can just continue status quo. I did notice, however, that her walking was a little bit stiffer, so I upped the Tramadol to three times a day from two. So the vet had been out of town, but this evening she gave me a buzz back. Remy is doing pretty well again. She still isn’t at the level from two weeks ago where she was doing amazing, but she’s getting herself up regularly and she’s returned to her habit of sniffing around the house in search of snacks, so honestly, I think that’s as good as we can get. When I explained the most recent incidents, I said it was weird that they were less intense and passed more quickly than before when there was wailing and convulsing. I suggested it was related to me hugging Remy tightly during the onset. The doctor said if those symptoms are triggered by pain, the experiences are probably less severe now, because she’s on anti-inflammatory and painkilling meds. Haha, here I was thinking that it was the magic of my hugs and massages in the moment that saved my Remy from something more traumatic. I’m such a dork.

In other news, John stayed home again tonight. I slept better last night because 1) Bubbey slept on the couch so his snoring wouldn’t bug me 2) Remy zonked out most of the night from that third dose of Tramadol. I still woke up automatically at 2 a.m. though. For some reason, I use the bathroom every night at that time. Thankfully, I feel back asleep. But by morning, when I had a 9 a.m. conference webinar, I was still tired. Then I had an 11 a.m. webinar. Plus more calls dealing with my dad’s DC condo. I think the second repair tech finally diagnosed the problem. A part is on order and hopefully, next week, we will have a  long term fix. But yeah, the rest of the day, I was just so tired. Stayed in my yoga pants… I need to get my shit together!! Tomorrow I have a morning info interview with a lady at Coursera, followed by lunch with my career coach. Yup, I’m doing it. Time to get this shit going.

This evening, while I was prepping questions and topics for my info interview, I did all this reading on Coursera. What an amazing concept. I just signed up for another class on logic/reasoning/arguments through Duke. I really wish and hope that my next job will energize me about learning.

What else. Tomorrow is Chinese New Year! I have a big party on Saturday… there is so much I need to prep, but damn, at this point, I just need to make sure Bubbey is over his sickness and I have most of the ingredients. Ugh, I don’t feel ready. Oh well.

Newfound Clarity

I came out of the personal development workshop Saturday with some new affirmations and clarity. Last week, I submitted two applications for communications officer positions at some area family foundations. My former District board member is actually a long-time operations manager at one of the organizations, so I hope that boosts my chances. Fingers crossed.

But among my epiphanies last week, I realized that I really am the kind of person who has to have meaning in the content of my work. That’s what drives me every day. So while some people can have work provide the resources for their lifestyle so they can derive meaning/purpose from outside activities, that scenario just wouldn’t work for me. My identity is too tied to my work.

I also feel more strongly now that my next job has to be in communications– written, oral, online, etc. I just come alive when I communicate information that is compelling, influential, and/or entertaining. So this week I hope to find some relevant associations/institutes/training where I can attend communications workshops and seminars and such.

Third, I want to start incorporating better habits into my life. I want to keep blogging and meditating. I’m going to try the Zen meditation center in Redwood City again. John and I only went once years ago. And then I want to get back to exercising regularly and eating better. My long sickness really reminded me that I need to take better care of myself and try to get quality, solid sleep.

I started reading a book last night on leadership by John Maxwell. I never thought of myself as someone interested in being a leader, because I never wanted to manage people. But turns out, I had the definition of leadership all wrong!!! It’s about influence through relationships that are built on character and trust. That’s why the GM is a manager but an awful leader. One chapter I read last night just made so much sense connecting all the dots!!

And then moving forward, I want to stay focused on my priorities and criteria for my next gig. There really are some non-negotiable parameters, and I need to stand strong on them. Previously, I’d been so damn wishy washy about what work environments could work. But essentially, I figured I would make whatever adjustments necessary. Now, I see that I don’t have to settle! I have to work with top notch people who are as obsessed with learning and improving as I am. The culture has to be collaborative and supportive and nimble, and the content/mission of the organization has resonate with me. That’s just the way it has to be!

I’m considering giving one-on-one coaching a try. I think I would get a lot out of it. I hope to decide on that this week.

The Phoenix Rises

I made considerable progress this week staying in and sleeping a shitload. The infection is gone now (at least it feels gone), and I’m just battling remnant congestion. Whew! Today I am finally feeling near normal… three weeks later, of course!

Now I gotta get back to normalcy, because shit, I was forced to wipe my calendar clean for three weeks!! I missed out on all kinds of fun (I know, it was killing me!). This weekend I’m doing an all-day “dare to reinvent yourself” workshop tomorrow, and then I’ll probably just lay low the rest of the weekend. My strength is still sub-par. I’m considering climbing back into the saddle on Sunday while the rest of the town watches football, but I don’t know. We’ll see. All I know is, next week all my social activities are coming back online. Enough is enough, I tell ya!

In other news, I’ve got my next Coursera class lined up. Also, I’m getting back on the job application wagon. Yup, I sent out two apps this week, including one for an area family foundation seeking a digital communications officer. I spent all week crafting my letters and fine-tuning my CV and portfolio. I shipped the second app out this afternoon, so I could stop obsessing over the holiday weekend. Fingers crossed!!

Ok, well I had a pretty packed day. My buds T and M came over for lunch today, and I made pork chops with mushroom sauce. They turned out ok; then again, those two are easy to please when it comes to food. I’m just about hitting a wall now, which works out since I’ll need to be up early tomorrow for my workshop. I’m going in with an open mind!

Damn Good Day!

Well, today was a pretty damn good day. After my posting on Wednesday reporting that Remy was doing stellar, Thursday turned around and bit me in the ass. Remy was getting her groove back, and then bam! She regressed and had stability issues again. I couldn’t sleep Thursday night, thinking that I was going to have to put her down before Christmas. Today, she slept in really late, but when I got the leash out, she wanted to go out, so we walked around the front yard in the grass. She didn’t make it to the park, but she walked and sniffed around the lawn, and back inside we played our hide and seek treat game. (Basically, I toss crumbs all over the living room, and she forces herself up to search them out.) In the afternoon, she came into my home office a few times to check in and sleep.

Goddamn, I love Remy so much. I really wish she could live forever. She’s such a good girl. I left a message for the vet this afternoon to see why she might have regressed and to ask if there was anything more I could do to make her more comfortable. They said that she’s on quite a bit of medication now, so she shouldn’t be regressing… My only hope is that we simply overdid it on the exercise on Wednesday, and she was sore Thursday. I dunno. Wishfully hoping, I suppose.

In other news, I found out that I almost missed the deadline for quiz #3 of my marketing class. You see, normally, the quizzes happen every three weeks, but with this last one, it was only two weeks. Whatever. I did it this afternoon and scored an A. I’m a nerd that way. This is our last week of lectures, and then the final exam is next week!

I got the best news ever  this afternoon (regarding the ranch). I followed up with the YMCA program director, whom I had met earlier this week. He got the green light from his boss, and now they’re thinking to book FOUR weeks instead of the original TWO!! I am so thrilled. Gotta finish the year off strong, you know?

I’m also making strides this week with info interviews. I have one lined up on Monday with a very prestigious foundation just down the street. Then, I’m scheduling another one after Christmas with a different foundation, also not far from home. Time to get this whip crackin’, you know?

Tonight, I’m going to my friend’s retirement party for work. 33 years. I’m taking lentil soup and butternut squash/spinach lasagna. I hope people eat it all up! Party time.

Jugglin’

Geez, I was so good about blogging daily for a month, and then once NaBloPoMo ended, I really slacked off quickly, eh? Well, in my defense, shit’s been cray!

It’s now been just over a week since Remy’s latest brush with death. She is continuing on the anti-inflammatory med meloxicam + the pain reliever tramadol, but yesterday, after we called the doctor to say that Remy was still not steady enough to be left alone, the doctor added a second pain reliever, gabipentin. Today Remy is doing so much better! She even came to my bedside to wake me up. Her hind left leg is still weaker than the others, but we made it to the park and back without me having to carry her part way. She is also back to her old curious self. This morning, when I didn’t see her in the living room or in the bedroom, I started to panic, but she was in the kitchen scrounging around for crumbs. Silly dog.

Yeah, after the vet told me last week to continue exercising her to prevent muscle atrophy, I’ve had Remy on a program. I find her to be quite driven by treats, so even when she was still really weak , I just threw mini-treats all over the living room and kitchen to force her to get up and exercise to go after the tasties. Haha, I’m always making the pups work for food! Remy is kinda “special needs” right now, but I hope we’ll have a decent plan in place by the time we head back east. Fingers crossed.

Work-wise, I did a ton of follow-up calls last week for the ranch. I think I’m getting some bites even! Tomorrow, the program director for the YMCA is visiting the ranch to meet with us: he’s interested in booking two weeks of summer camps for kids. I’ve been preparing some materials and such. Gotta bring out the big guns, you know? I’m hoping to get a couple of city clients and the YMCA under my belt before year end. We’ll see.

The weekend was pretty good. On Saturday, John finished sanding my Adirondack chair for the backyard. Now I can paint it and have both painted chairs reunited. Saturday night, J & J came down with their friend M, and all of us when to the SJ Improv– always a sure bet for hearty laughs. On Sunday, I got back in the saddle. I am having issues again with my torso being too stiff. Fucking A. I had so many weeks of good riding, and now I’m back to being a robot sitting on a horse. Ugh. The horses are looking great though. I think they are brushing them more, and now that it’s winter, the coats are thicker and softer. Chip was so velvety and beautiful. The staff are also cleaning up the ranch a bit– they do small steps every day, and sure enough, after a couple weeks, you can see substantial differences! After riding, I met up with my bud B, and we hit the mall. Super, super packed. She circled around for 20 minutes before finding parking!! It was a successful trip: I scored a black/white striped top and black skinny jeans, which I’d been seeking for months.

John and I also found a couple of new food joints in our area. We tried a new Asian shaved snow place by the train station. Pretty tasty but too cold for winter. Then last night we found a Neapolitan pizza place. Super yummy with delicious spaghetti carbonara and cannoli too!

This week is looking pretty busy. My Coursera marketing class wraps. Also, I have that meeting tomorrow. Then, I need to re-visit corpo targets for the ranch. I also want to start getting my apps out for jobs. Need to just start churning stuff out. Remy patrol continues. Yup, all hands on deck now for the 2013 homestretch.

A Day at a Time

I didn’t sleep well again last night… I know, what’s new, right? John stayed out in the living room with the pups, and then he fell asleep. He’s such a deep sleeper, that hubby. In the middle of the night, I heard Martin scratching his bed like crazy, trying to fluff it up. From the bedroom, I didn’t know it was him, but I knew I had to check just in case he or Remy was stuck and panicking. Yeah, it was just Martin being particular about his pillow. Later, I heard Remy whimpering. Did John hear any of this? Nope.

In the morning, Remy was doing a tad bit better. She was actually getting herself up, but goddamn, her walking/movement looks uncomfortable. She’s not able to use the doggie door now either, so she cries by the door. Poor thing. She made it outside to pee, but inside John found two turds in the living room.

I put down additional carpeting, but today she just wanted to stay in the living room. The house looks like a mess right now with all the random carpeting, but oh well. What can I do?

I guess, honestly speaking, I’m a little disappointed by her progress today. She IS better, but I dunno: when I read that stuff online, people were like witnessing miracles. In the end, I suppose the facts are the facts: She is almost 16. There were some really old dogs mentioned online, but most were still a few years younger… Like Marty’s age. Huge difference. I’d say, for the most part, Remy was smooth sailing and it really has been the last year and a half or two years where she’s declined substantially.

So we’re going to see how she does tomorrow and then re-evaluate. I hope that we’ll find a drug combo that works for while we’re away. I hate to leave her like this.

In other news today, I did more marketing classes on Coursera. I also did some online shopping/browsing. There were tons of Cyber Monday deals out there, especially for travel, but eh, I couldn’t settle on any dates. The clothing deals seemed only so-so, not spectacular. But the news is reporting promising holiday sales figures so far…

This weekend I received an email from a coworker. He was just wishing me a nice holiday. I replied last night that Remy wasn’t doing so well. Then this morning, I got a text message from someone else at work. She had heard from the first person that Remy was having trouble. It was nice of her to check in. I’m still a bit in my “I do all the initiating” funk regarding friendships, so it’s nice to know what someone is thinking about me without being prompted/harassed. I’m going to see her tomorrow for lunch.

Well I think I’m hitting the sack early today. I’m feeling kinda drained. Just a few more days left for NaBloPoMo!! Yippee!

Turkey Day Prep

Since I’m all domestic and shit now, I appointed myself in charge of the Thanksgiving meal. Usually, we always host a big party, but things are kinda different this year, so I was just going to cook for the two of us. Turns out, John’s sister will be in town also, so she and her beau will be joining. I have now made three trips to the grocery store. Every time, the places have been mobbed. Goddamn, I’d forgotten how big a holiday this is!! Two days beforehand, I received Sam Sifton’s Thanksgiving book in the mail– John’s not-so-subtle hint/reminder to not fuck up the biggest meal of the year. No pressure, right? Actually, since I was planning for a small group and I was the head honcho in charge, I set the expectations low from the get go. I’m still cooking up a lot, but whatever, some stuff I got started on today, like the cranberry sauce, a banana Nutella bread, and roasted butternut squash. It doesn’t ALL have to be made the day of, you know? So on the menu: butterflied roast turkey, gravy, bread stuffing, butternut/spinach salad, green beans (his sister to provide), and sweet potato marshmallow casserole. I’m feeling very full just listing all of this out! Well at least I’m feeling a bit more comfortable in the kitchen these days. My sense of taste is improving as well: pretty much, I just add double or triple my instinctive amount of salt. Haha.

In other news, my new laptop arrived yesterday, and today I finished setting everything up. The old Adamo is getting shipped to SquareTrade for repair and then I plan to sell it. Always hustlin’.

I had dinner last night with my buds T and M. Same old bullshit drama going on at work. Blows my mind the level and longevity of that bullshit. Drives me bonkers. Otherwise it was good to catch up, although clearly, I haven’t been in the best of moods lately. In fact, after I got home, I couldn’t sleep later and then I had a meltdown with John. All the old worries about work and figuring out my life resurfaced. I know I just have to keep doing what I’ve been doing. Something will come up. Just get back on that damn wagon!

Speaking of which, I need to finish this week’s marketing classes and then figure out my ranch pitches next week for the city parks and recs. And I need to get back to that barre studio to finish out my Groupon. Ugh, but maybe sweating it out will do me some good.

Picture Day

Sundays are my usual riding days. If I’m in town, I’ll head to the ranch for a lesson at noon. Today, John joined, which meant that my lesson was a full-blown photo shoot. I cannot get enough pictures of me with horses. I never post updates on Facebook, except for when I have a cool new riding pic. Haha. You’ll have to check out my Flickr photostream for the latest (I selected a very short list from what was captured today). Just so you know.

Unfortunately, the lesson itself was a bit frustrating today… 2+ years into this riding thing, and I wish I could truly feel when I’m posting the trot correctly and when I’m cantering/loping on the correct lead. But I can’t. That’s my problem: I don’t feel things. I can’t feel when which leg is hitting the ground. My brain just doesn’t register that way. So, I have to learn riding through methodical steps, through a concrete list of how-tos. My plan is, once I have the steps down, then I can focus on connecting the mechanical to what I’m physically feeling. I dunno. To be honest, today was just off. For so many weeks, I was on a role: Chip just did everything right. Today, he bobbed his head a lot, and he didn’t move straight. Also, I couldn’t tell if I had my cadence right. I was staring down at his shoulders and looking at my shadow, but ugh!!

I spoke with another rider who started around the same time, and she said she has the same problem, so I suppose it’s comforting that we’re both experiencing similar challenges. Also, it’s nice to find someone who kinda learns the same way– through process and protocol rather than through feeling. I think I’ll have to watch some YouTube videos again to visualize getting back into the cowgirl zone.

In other news, I’m all caught up on my Coursera marketing class. I scored a 100% on quiz 2. I mean, granted the questions aren’t really all that hard and it’s multiple choice, but still. It’s a nice ego boost. Haha. Plus, I’m still just learning so much. There are three more weeks left, and then I have to plot out my next class.

What else? This weekend, I was hoping to do some hands-on product research. I went to a few jewelry stores to see if they had the bracelet I am eyeing. No luck. Then, I went to a couple of electronics stores to test out the Acer Aspire. No longer on demo. As it happens, when I went online to think about getting the Yoga 2 Pro, it’s completely sold out– from Friday to today!! Everywhere. I dunno if maybe everyone read the same tech review article or what, but I guess that solves my dilemma. My Acer arrives this week, and I’ll just stick with the original plan. Keeps things simple.