Well, I turned in my office keys and everything. Super duper done. Yay. Sigh. The life of leisure begins now, and fuck, my house is hotter than hell. I need a pool, but I’m po’ without a job. 😛

I am wiped. Damn, I cranked out an insane amount of work this final week. I was still having project meetings up until this morning even. But yeah, all done. Btw, did I tell you that the GM never said anything to me? I gave notice over his vacation, he got back, walked down my aisle and talked with everyone and then walked away without saying a damn thing to me. John had called it, but shit, I was floored by the utter lack of class and professionalism. I went by his office today after the lunch, but he’d already left. Nice.

Yesterday was an emotional day. In the afternoon, I had my exit interview, and we actually talked for 90 minutes. I said everything. I didn’t intend to reveal so much, but something happened as the conversation progressed, and I just felt it was right to be completely honest. She’s going to share my comments with the GM, obviously. And I’m ok with that. If it brings about even a small change that makes things better for my friends who are still there, I’m good with it. Seriously. I wasn’t all dramatic and senseless: I brought some real shit to the table– way beyond the manager incident from last September. What the GM does with the info who knows (possibly nothing), but I said my peace. Sometimes bridges are just meant to be burned.

And don’t you worry, my friends. My good-bye email wasn’t the usual canned bullshit. I was tactful but still honest. Messaging is everything (I really should get back into advocacy work), and I don’t want other people fucking fabricating or speculating on my reasons for leaving. I overheard that the communications training consultant was dismissing my departure as me not getting over the debacle regarding my previous manager. Uh, that’s like 1/20 of the whole list of reasons. Pisses me off. I’m actually going to call him next week to get that shit straight. Don’t be speaking for me when you don’t even know me.

Tomorrow my new life begins. Cheers!

Holy crap, things here have been uber cray. Apparently, my resignation over a week ago touched off quite the firestorm. Hehe. Lots of scrambling and lots of questions. Damn people, you really have NOT been paying attention. It’s like, you ask me why, I tell you why (and then some), and still you remain incredulous enough that you have to get confirmation from my buddy T?? Ridic. I swear, some people are so dense.

On one hand, it’s been kind of amusing witnessing the turmoil. On the other hand, I have to say, I’ve also been pleasantly surprised by how supportive and understanding everyone’s been. Anyway, it does seem like several staff are disgruntled enough that they are either giving ultimatums or jockeying to make a move very soon, or so I hear… shit, this place just doesn’t know how to keep its people!!

That said, the manager is moving as fast as she can… she and i did some quickie interviews last week, and a contractor web admin started this morning. I think the new lady will be good. Plus, I already have a shitload of tasks documented, so the transition should go fine. Some stuff she’ll just have to figure out– part of learning on the job.

So i still have two weeks left, but I’ve already started cleaning out my cubicle. Goddamn, I have accumulated a shitload of crap!! Our big department event is this Saturday. Yup, even an entire year later, this shit is digging up some really deep-rooted issues with the old timers. Thankfully, this is my last one ever. No more rah rah indoctrination bullshit after that. Interestingly, I sat in on a bunch of meetings last week: vision plan, budget crap, intranet… other great reasons for why I’m leaving.

In other news, my parents have been calling more often… dad suggested law school, b school, or a comp sci masters program…. again (for like the millionth time, actually). Yesterday, he called and asked if maybe I wanted to do real estate. Then my mom piped up that I should just try to get promoted and stay on at my job. Uh, I put in my letter of resignation. My last day is August 30. I swear, they just never get it!

In other news, I signed up for acting class!! Hehe. a four week class starting September. Yup, the bucket list is getting real. I figure I’ll need something to fill the void of no drama once I leave the office. I’m stoked.

Also, I’m hoping to lease a horse in September. Try and get in some saddle time. Maybe this life of leisure will be awesome after all! I also just signed up for a social psych class on coursera, a free online college courses website. I’m trying this one out before I do the marketing one in October. Gotta love free education, baby!

Last weekend, M, John, and I hit the SJ Improv. It’s been too damn long. We saw Bill Bellamy– yup, homeboy is now 48 y/o. Can you fucking believe? The show was hilarious. He does a killer Denzel impression. I need to be hitting that joint more often. I’m so grateful for people who make me laugh.

Well it had been a long-ass time coming, but I gave my three weeks’ notice on August 8. Yup, Operation Office Space happened a day earlier than planned. I figured I’d squeeze that news in before the weekly managers’ meeting.

It was a tough call for me, but I’d been unhappy for a very long time (about 10 months). I’d lost the love a while ago, but because I’m frickin’ OCD and stubborn as hell, I was in denial: it took me forever to realize that the love just was never coming back, and I was never ever going to recover from the shit I’d seen.

Of course, the parentals started freaking out as soon as I told them my plan. They quickly scheduled a five-day trip for early September. So much for chilling out and eating bon bons in my pajamas!! Not only are they going to drive me insane, but they are going to stress me out to no end. How do I know? Um, already, every phone call with them consists of dad rattling off a list of jobs/careers/academic degrees– “you know, just suggestions– examples.” Yes, what innocent ideas!! 🙂 Ugh.

So work wraps up on August 30. After that, I’ll have a few days to get the house prepped and ready and then they arrive. Fuck. I need to start planning what the hell to do/eat while they are in town. I mean, don’t get me wrong: they are really good people with integrity and good intentions. But they are immigrants, which means in many ways, they are aliens. I am not kidding. And then when their old-school ideals are paired with mine, the intersection is a nightmare and a half. And then beyond the ideological differences, there are the lifestyle differences. They eat super healthy (no meat, only seafood), and they are all weird about recreating in nature. I’m serious: hypersensitive to sun, wind, sand, water, altitude… Yeah, they might as well live in a damn bubble. Honestly, what the fuck am I going to do with them for five days???

One idea is to take them to San Luis Obispo along the coast. We’ll just have to pack umbrellas to shield them from the sun. Maybe I’ll make them guzzle some vino, and they’ll chill the hell out. Geez, about the only thing we have in common is shopping. Guess there’s always that. I just hope they don’t push my buttons by broaching any of the following topics: my next job/career, my brother, and my barren womb by choice status. We’ll see. Cross your fingers for peace on the houseboat (yes, our house is very small, especially for four people).

But I digress. Back to Operation Office Space. Well, I gotta hand it to my manager S: I really didn’t expect this, but she tried super hard to convince me to stay: she offered to do anything I wanted– part-time, work from home, stay on while I look for my next gig, etc. I was really flattered, but in the end, I stuck to my guns. I’ve read lots of career columns where they say, if you’ve gotten to the point of handing in your letter, things are way into the danger zone. Those concessions, while nice, only buy so much time (several weeks); then, the root cause of dissatisfaction rears its ugly head again. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, you know? Once she understood the immutability of my decision, she was so humanly understanding and supportive. I have to say, the grace with which she handled the situation, immediately bumped her way up in my book: I was really genuinely touched by her class and character.  Finally, someone who fucking gets it, you know?? A rarity indeed, especially in a messed up place like that. So anyway, S announced my news agency-wide later that day. Now she’s racing to make magic happen in my final weeks. And she’s making amazing progress: I’m confident that everything will work out just fine.

Overall, I have to admit: it feels damn good to see people’s reactions when I tell them I have NOTHING lined up. Yup, it’s that serious, you all. Just let that shit marinate, for reals. Muhahahahaha! Hehe, me and my statements, right?

You’ll be surprised to know that John and I actually spent Saturday in the company of kids. Eeek!! Yup, we met up with my new BFF C– the guy who works for the personality testing company. A few months ago, when I took him out for coffee (and an info interview), we hit it off so well that he suggested doing a family get together!

So we congregated at CalAcademy. Turns out his wife is Chinese and from Hong Kong– one of my favorite cities– and their two boys, aged 3 and 5 y/o, are really well behaved. Maybe they were drugged??? Just kidding, but wow, those two make parenting look so damn easy… which is the total opposite of the horror stories I’ve heard from some other friends. Haha. Oh well, doesn’t matter: I STILL can’t be sold on parenthood. Too much freakin’ responsibility!! But we had a great time checking out the museum penguins and jellyfish and just hanging out.

I started a new class on Monday: Leaning in vs Leaning Back. The lady is an ex-corporate lawyer, and I’m digging her a lot. The class itself is sorta half book club, half career coaching. There was a lot of talk about aligning values with work. And about having dreams for the life that we want. Our homework this week is to ask ourselves what kind of person we would need to be to live the dream we have for ourselves. Kinda strange, but then again, I’m all about believing in the process. My only complication is: on one hand, I dream about living in the big city and being some ridiculous corpo power player (a la Sheryl Sandberg). On the other hand, I dream about being a writer/pro blogger, living on a ranch in the mountains while also traveling the world. The visions are somewhat dichotomous, you know? So then, is one dream truer or more authentic than the other? I dunno. More things to think about. I’ll have to consult the experts. 🙂

I do enjoy taking these classes. As a chronic over-thinker and over-analyzer, they’re kinda up my alley. I can’t be stopped. Shrug. So even though most of the other participants are older (usually white) women, I still find something meaningful about sharing our experiences. It’s way better than therapy: at least everyone comes to the table motivated.

In work news, someone put in her notice, but she asked HR not to send a company-wide email. What is that all about? I mean, at this point, most people still don’t know, and come Tuesday, she’ll just be gone. I don’t get that strategy at all. Lame.

I’m also already jonesing for another trip. I imagine Tahoe is beautiful this time of year, but that shit is way too far for my blood. I’d rather drive south to SLO. Hmm, maybe I’ll aim for Sonoma again. I’d love to spend another full day at the Fairmont Mission Inn and Spa. That place rocks.

Btw, did you watch that Megladon show earlier this week on Discovery Channel’s Shark Week? Those fuckers really pissed. me. off. I was totally sucked in to the “documentary”, and then two hours later, turns out, it was ALL fake!!! Whaaaaaa??? I was PISSED!!! Never again, Discovery Channel. You have deceived me for the last time. Ugh. Two hours. Wasted. In retrospect, I probably should have known better.

You’ll be surprised to know that John and I actually spent Saturday in the company of kids. Eeek!! Yup, we met up with my new BFF C– the guy who works for the personality testing company. A few months ago, when I took him out for coffee (and an info interview), we hit it off so well that he suggested doing a family get together!

So we congregated at CalAcademy. Turns out his wife is Chinese and from Hong Kong– one of my favorite cities– and their two boys, aged 3 and 5 y/o, are really well behaved. Maybe they were drugged??? Just kidding, but wow, those two make parenting look so damn easy… which is the total opposite of the horror stories I’ve heard from some other friends. Haha. Oh well, doesn’t matter: I STILL can’t be sold on parenthood. Too much freakin’ responsibility!! But we had a great time checking out the museum penguins and jellyfish and just hanging out.

I started a new class on Monday: Leaning in vs Leaning Back. The lady is an ex-corporate lawyer, and I’m digging her a lot. The class itself is sorta half book club, half career coaching. There was a lot of talk about aligning values with work. And about having dreams for the life that we want. Our homework this week is to ask ourselves what kind of person we would need to be to live the dream we have for ourselves. Kinda strange, but then again, I’m all about believing in the process. My only complication is: on one hand, I dream about living in the big city and being some ridiculous corpo power player (a la Sheryl Sandberg). On the other hand, I dream about being a writer/pro blogger, living on a ranch in the mountains while also traveling the world. The visions are somewhat dichotomous, you know? So then, is one dream truer or more authentic than the other? I dunno. More things to think about. I’ll have to consult the experts. 🙂

I do enjoy taking these classes. As a chronic over-thinker and over-analyzer, they’re kinda up my alley. I can’t be stopped. Shrug. So even though most of the other participants are older (usually white) women, I still find something meaningful about sharing our experiences. It’s way better than therapy: at least everyone comes to the table motivated.

In work news, someone put in her notice, but she asked HR not to send a company-wide email. What is that all about? I mean, at this point, most people still don’t know, and come Tuesday, she’ll just be gone. I don’t get that strategy at all. Lame.

I’m also already jonesing for another trip. I imagine Tahoe is beautiful this time of year, but that shit is way too far for my blood. I’d rather drive south to SLO. Hmm, maybe I’ll aim for Sonoma again. I’d love to spend another full day at the Fairmont Mission Inn and Spa. That place rocks.

Btw, did you watch that Megladon show earlier this week on Discovery Channel’s Shark Week? Those fuckers really pissed. me. off. I was totally sucked in to the “documentary”, and then two hours later, turns out, it was ALL fake!!! Whaaaaaa??? I was PISSED!!! Never again, Discovery Channel. You have deceived me for the last time. Ugh. Two hours. Wasted. In retrospect, I probably should have known better.

I think I’ve always kind of known this, but recently, this thought has become even more apparent to me: women make things so personal. By that, I mean that the men I know just do what has to be done, without worrying/obsessing so damn much about the ripple effects of their actions– be they in the personal arena or the professional arena. For example, lots of my guy buds have left jobs… They just don’t let decisions like that EAT at them in the same way women do; instead, they focus on what’s ahead. Every time I leave a job, I suffer so many sleepless nights, deliberating ad nauseum my decision to leave, and why? I don’t owe my employers anything!! And beyond that, it’s not even the end of the world for anyone! So ridiculous.

So in mid-July, I was in a really bad funk. Professionally, I continued to feel miserable despite having a bit more clarity. Personally, I was feeling super tapped out with multiple relationships. For some reason and all at once with several friendships, I felt like I was giving a lot and not getting anything in return… so I felt really sad for many days– almost like I was in mourning. I cried, thinking about all the friendships that had changed over the last few years– how people had moved away or disappeared (because of new girlfriend) or had lost touch… It took me almost two weeks to get over making this some kind of affront against me, you know? Sure, people are busy, they have their lives, they just get wrapped up, blah, blah, blah… to me, it’s still never a great excuse, but at least, it was a tiny bit consoling to know that it’s not really about me: I haven’t become completely boring or dull or whatever.

So anyway, two weeks later, I finally got over it and decided there was no option but to move on. Life is what it is. At least until the next time people disappoint/piss me off, right?

My friend Chuck died yesterday. Doctors had given him six months, but he lasted 5 years. He was a true fighter. I have written about C and his wife F before. They weren’t really a perfect match (like my beloved Noah and Allie), but there was a fortitude and resilience about them that I couldn’t help but admire. I wonder if C lived out his final years full of great moments… or if it was just this endless battle with experimental meds and treatments and chemo. In the end, was he tired of it all, or did death drag him away still kicking and screaming? C is yet another reminder of the finiteness of life. I don’t know how to make it all worthwhile and meaningful. I know I want to live an empowered life, one full of intention. I know that I deeply treasure and value relationships. But beyond that, how do I implement truly living an empowered life?

Sheryl Sandberg asks all of us, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” For me, the answers run the gamut and so the larger question almost becomes “What wouldn’t you do if you weren’t afraid?” Seriously, how do I fit everything in without running out of time?

Hubs and I returned from ORD Sunday night: Chitown was an awesome (albeit packed) getaway. The BlogHer conference was super inspiring and Book of Mormon on Thursday night was freaking killer. The Bank of America theater was really small and cozy, so our orchestra seats were kickass. What a genius production. We also saw Million Dollar Quartet on Saturday night– pretty rockin’. I so love the theater.

So the craziest thing happened at the conference. This annual BlogHer event draws like 4,000 women attendees, and somehow I ran into an old friend from my days at feminist.org. Fucking insane, right? An act of fate, really– and we had such an amazing time catching up. Who would have guessed that we last saw each other in 2003!!! I love when random shit like that happens…

Back at the ranch, I got that Lubi daybed from CB2— the one I saw at the store a couple weeks ago. My office/guest room is coming together, with the help of my friend T and her eye for design… just in time for my parents’ visit in early September. Yup, they’re coming for five days. An eternity. I talked with them yesterday morning first thing after I woke up. And it was a bad way to start my day. My mother stresses me out to no end. She just never gets me. I mean, generally speaking, my parents are the kind who just want me to be the good little quiet and obedient Chinese girl who puts her head down and does her work. Don’t speak up, and don’t cause any trouble. Can you see why we clash so damn much?

Anyway… another thing the conference did for me: Sheryl Sandberg. Shit, she is the bomb, and so unapologetically feminist. Goddamn, someone who finally fucking groks it!! Something she said so resonated with me. It was basically: I’m not bossy: I have executive leadership skills. Damn straight, assholes! Back it up!! I know, I have mad crushes on the female power playas.

In other news, we got tickets to Funny or Die Oddball Fest at Shoreline in September. Dave Chappelle, Flight of the Conchords… it’s going to be good.

John and I are on detox. I started following a coworker’s daughter– she’s a nutrition/fitness blogger. Shit. I went to Sprouts last week and bought some ridiculous $12 jar of nut butter (Nutzo brand), plus trendy crap like almond milk, chia seeds, and goji berries. I dunno what this expensive shit is, but whatever, I’m just going to follow the program blindly. Last weekend, I made some “overnight oats.” The health fanatics online were raving about that stuff like it was deep-dish pizza or something. So I made it, soaked that slop overnight, had it the next morning, and it was disgusting. I forced myself to eat it, and then I got a tummy ache. Was in bed with the heating pad on for 3 hours. But I’m a stubborn ass. I didn’t want to throw it out, so I had the remainder of that gunk the next morning. It tasted better! Still not the same as pizza but edible. I figure once I wean my system off junk (at the moment, I’m cramming Cheetos down my piehole), I’ll eventually train my body to enjoy this bird food.