Author Archives: Vicky

Patience is a Virtue

Well, it’s time to pat myself on the damn back. Why? Bc I recently got TWO different couples into contract! I first started working with both families (separately) in October… yes, back around Halloween!?!?! Holy. fucking. A. It’s been a very long run. Different price points, criteria, and areas, but both very challenging in that they kept aiming way higher than their budget.

In their defense, yes, this market is confusing bc the list price is often a “teaser” price which means the winning price is usually no where NEAR the list price. This throws people off. a lot. But damn, it was a long process covering several areas, multiple homes, and involving endless conversations about the market. Sigh, we’re finally in! And I could not be happier. One couple closed last month and they’ll take possession at the end of this month. The other couple will close next month on a home that’s just 10 minutes from my house. Of course, it’s not a done deal until closing but I am taking a breather.

Do Better

I started therapy again at the start of the year. I was feeling the re-emergence of old thoughts and inadequacies and figured therapy would be the proactive way to nip that shit in the bud. On the suggestion of a few friends, I turned to a local counseling center and did some initial research to find someone with DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) experience. The good news is that our culture is starting to take mental health more seriously. As such, it seems to be an arena where there’s been a lot of progress and advancement.

I quickly read a few profiles and settled on a therapist. I mean, with therapy, you never know what you’re going to get. Sometimes, it takes a few tries to find the right match. I was lucky. My therapist has been wonderful.

The sessions have been enlightening. And I definitely see value in carving out time on a regular schedule. Not surprisingly, much of our time centers around my parents and their style of parenting. Next most discussed is my work (and clients), and lastly, friendships.

I’ve realized that my perfectionism and ideas around achievement may just be a struggle that carries with me my entire life. As I’ve recounted past memories and experiences, themes emerge over and over again. And I’ve also started to see some of the ironies. If you’ve followed along with my blogs, you know my relationship with my family is complicated, coming with all the baggage frequently associated with immigrant parents– responsibility, expectations, demands, comparisons, sacrifice…

In many of the tearful sessions, my therapist tries to convince me that I’m valued and worthy of love, even if I feel I haven’t achieved what I should have. Even if I feel behind and ranked below others who might not have even had the privileges that I had growing up. She tells me the numbers/stats surrounding my career are irrelevant to who I am and whether I deserve to be loved. But damn, the psyche is a complicated thing. In moments, I have full confidence in myself. I know I work hard, and I advocate for my clients. I know I do everything I can to protect them and help them through a complicated process. But at the end of the year, I just have my stats. And even though last year was a record year for me, it still didn’t feel good enough. Bc other people did better. Their achievements showed what is possible. And I didn’t achieve that.

And so the pursuit continues. My therapist says she finds my relentless drive to be exhausting. Somehow in my head, I feel compelled to do more and to be better. I know life is not fair. The outcome is not always commensurate with your effort and your will. And yet, at times, I will drive myself to oblivion trying to force improvement/acceleration from where I am.

Last week, I was in the middle of a challenging transaction with stubborn clients who just would NOT stop bitching and complaining about the appraisal that came in low. Nevermind that I got them into contract on a house for $50k less than the competing offer. They couldn’t get over having to pay $6k to reconfigure the financing to get the house. Meanwhile, my father was calling multiple times about his tax papers and mail and computer problems. I told my father to just FedEx me his stack of papers for the CPA. Back and forth… he didn’t want to mail it bc it was sensitive info. He didn’t want to use FedEx bc it costs more than the regular post. He didn’t want my cousin to scan it bc privacy. Finally, I lost my shit. This is the real world. People scan and mail sensitive documents all the fucking time. Get over it and figure this shit out. Jesus fucking Christ. Do better, bc your best is not good enough. Joe Biden is older than you, and he’s running the goddamn country!!

And there it was. The bullied had become the bully. I realized that the doctrine to which I had been subjected my entire life– the doctrine which has been the source of so much disappointment and pain– was so undeniably ingrained. This is my value system. This is what I believe of myself and now of my parents. I don’t care how much you tried. I don’t care about what else is happening in the background (my mother will be going to a care facility in a few months). Do better bc your best is not good enough.

And as I write those words, I am fighting back tears. I believe those thoughts. I’m good, but I should be better. I should be more. This can’t be all that I am.

So I go back to grinding, striving to hit some higher level I have in my mind, thinking maybe I can attain it through brute force. Here I am: fatigued, frustrated, and damn tired. How do I free myself from this? It seems the answer lies somewhere with acceptance. But to me, acceptance means giving up. It’s a vicious cycle, you see? When I take a day off, I chide myself: that’s why you don’t have more leads in your pipeline. I know, it’s an intense and bizarre form of self-torture and abuse. At least that’s how the therapist describes it.

Granted, some days the thoughts are lighter than others. Still. I know my sweet therapist has her work cut out for her. The damage is real.

Giving Feedback

As someone who is now in the service industry, I think extra long and hard about the delivery and content of my feedback. In the olden days, I was far less forgiving and far more snarky. I still value clever quips but time and place, my friends. Here’s my latest feedback for a recent winery experience.

Thanks so much for the opportunity to provide feedback re: our recent experience at TB Winery.

My husband J and I were in Calistoga a few days ago on a short getaway from the San Jose area. I used to ride horses many years back, and I had heard before of an interesting tasting room experience at Jamieson Ranch where they had mini-horses (therapy animals) on site as people enjoyed their wines. The morning of Valentine’s Day, I did a quick Google search for “mini horses” and “wineries” and was thrilled to discover TB in the results.  

Since we were staying nearby at CML, it felt especially fortuitous. Excitedly, we booked an afternoon tasting that same day.   When we arrived, the grounds were of course stunning and beautiful, but the tasting area seemed eerily quiet, maybe even a bit sterile. We saw that A was busy helping three parties at the time, so we waited. She did come in and offer us some wine while we waited to get seated. The afternoon had turned quite cloudy, blustery, and chilly. We were seated near the door of the check-in area. None of the heaters were working, so we moved to the side with the stalls. Those heaters didn’t work either, so A wheeled one over. A was very polite, professional, and knowledgeable about the wine. But the tasting experience felt a bit spartan. Not a dealbreaker, but it would have been nice to have some centerpieces, crackers, more working/functioning heaters, and blankets for guests to add a cozy touch. Regardless, we loved the malbec, Rabicano, and cab: we purchased four bottles, and happily joined your wine club. Afterwards, we weren’t offered the option to visit the horses, but seeing as Angelica had been working solo and the weather was getting colder, we decided to leave. On the drive back to our lodging, I felt tremendously lucky to have discovered TB and gotten the opportunity to visit. I was already making a list of friends to take with us next time.

The next morning, we were headed back to San Jose. We dropped by around 10:45am. I understand your operations are by appointment only. We weren’t wanting another tasting, so we drove in to inquire about visiting with the animals. I went into the office and I believe R (?? Guessing from past reviews/photos) was at the computer. He barely looked up from the computer and appeared rather annoyed and inconvenienced. I explained that we had just visited the day before with Angelica and were hoping to stop in and see the animals, bc we didn’t get the facility/animals tour after our tasting. He said due to liability reasons, guests can’t visit the horses without supervision. I explained we were just there the day before but it was so windy… He rudely cut me off and said, “like it is this morning.” Then he went back to looking down at the computer. After a long and awkward silence, I thanked him and left.  

The entire ride back to San Jose, I felt so disappointed and saddened by that odd and unfriendly encounter. I also work in the service industry, and I understand it’s really hard work. Guests/clients can be assholes. They can be entitled. I know that we all have bad days. And maybe businesses in Napa/Sonoma wine country are subject to stricter business/operating rules (e.g. no outside food/drink, appointment only, tight reservation windows…) that make them more rigid/inflexible than other wine regions (like Paso Robles). Still, I couldn’t help but feel deflated. There are so many other ways he could have responded. Instead, it was a curt no followed by a complete shut down. Neither courteous, welcoming, nor helpful.

We will enjoy the wines that we bought. We have another trip to Calistoga already planned for the end of March. We’ll make plans for another tasting then and avoid R (I read that C is amazing). Ultimately, as consumers, we strive to patronize businesses run by people we like/trust and businesses that make us feel good about our experience.

Thanks for soliciting our feedback. I hope our next visit will be a pleasant one. I appreciate your time reading my comments. Be well.

Losing Offers

O.M.G. Some days, people really just blow my fucking mind. Last month, an agent friend referred a buyer to me. You see, my friend services Chinese clients exclusively, so anytime she gets other leads, she sends them my way. Yes, it’s a great resource for business. I’m super grateful to her for this hook up. But dang, as with any leads, you get good ones and you get quite a few duds.

So I set up a call with this new family. They’d been working with another agent for many months and submitted a few offers. I know, that should have been red flag number 1. Nothing stuck, and rather than the problem being that they were low-ballers, they determined that perhaps they needed an agent who was more experienced and more communicative.

So they ran down their list of requirements: single family, location, sqft, lot size, bedrooms, aesthetics. The usual. They gave me their budget. Right off the bat, I knew it was going to be a stretch, bc prices have continued to skyrocket (I’m not even exaggerating), and I mean, there’s a lot of “champagne taste on a beer budget” kind of bullshit happening. They explain that they want a decent amount of space for the newborn and active toddler, etc.

So I spend weeks with them, sending homes, discussing disclosures, reviewing market data, talking about the logistics of making an offer. They had submitted before and yet, given their questions, it became clear to me that they weren’t particularly well versed on the process nor on the market. I mean, here’s the deal. Buyers here think they know everything, so counter to the advice of agents and lenders, many will just start looking for homes (touring open houses) before all their financing and paperwork pieces are ready. Next thing you know, they’ll see the house, then scramble to compile an offer package in a couple days. Forty clicks later on Docusign, they don’t even know what the hell they’ve signed, agreed to, and submitted.

I hate that bullshit bc obviously, this is a massive legal transaction and I find it careless for people to just gloss over the details. Some buyers will even try to push the onus onto me: “I’m trusting that you think all of this is ok.”

I’m like, look, I’m happy to give you guidance but ultimately, the buyer is responsible for signing off on all of this. That’s right, I’m putting the responsibility squarely where it is. Needless to say, from the time of my initial meeting and call, I’ve been hard at work, getting my clients ramped up on what they need to know. It may not be as fun and as exciting as touring beautiful homes (we do that too!), but it’s the real nuts and bolts of getting positioned to win. So from the start, I’m talking to them about a gabillion things like why financing is important, what’s going on in the market, how to read disclosures, how to consider contingencies, understanding the consequence of non-contingent offers, the mechanics of the offer package, the psychology of sellers and other buyers…. it’s a shit ton of information. Each Zoom easily exceeds an hour and then there are all the questions afterwards!!!

As for the homes, it doesn’t even matter how unqualified they are to buy it or how unserious they are, I still do the extra leg work to provide insider scoop, i.e. meaning calls to the list agents, running preliminary comps, scanning the disclosures. Again, a shit ton of work all done up front as a way to get my buyers up to speed AND to convey my value.

So with these buyers, day and night, I’m fielding texts and links and this and that. Frankly, their budget is realistically in townhome territory, but they insist they need the single family home. I’m like ok, but you’ll have to sacrifice condition, size, or location. Then last week, they send me two homes. One was taking offers the very next day. Given the sqft and location (and schools), I immediately knew that place was out of their budget. Even so, I reached out to the list agent to get the traffic stats and insights. HUNDREDS of visitors, phone ringing off the hook, a bunch of disclosures, etc. I share the info with my buyers and what happens? The hubby doesn’t even believe the info. He suggests the list agent is bluffing. Then he reasons: the home has been on the market for 15 days and hasn’t sold. I want to offer $50k below list.

WTH? First off, it got into contract after just 2 days on market with multiple pre-emptive offers and it fell out of contract just yesterday. The days on market counter didn’t reset even though it was under contract. Details like that matter. Then he insists that the condition needs a ton of work. Yeah dude, you weren’t even among the hundreds of visitors to tour the place. Everyone knows the condition: it’s clear from the pics and the reports. Anyway, back and forth, he wants me to write this lowball offer and doesn’t understand why we can’t “just try”. And that’s when I’d had enough of his bullshit. It’s Sunday night, I got all the info for you, and ran the comps, and you’re not even using this data to position to win. I’m not writing, bc I’m not in the business of writing losing offers. Yup, let that sit for second. That’s how I said it too. He was stunned.

Seriously, bro. Go “try” and waste someone else’s time. You think you know better? Then go use someone else. Yup, my second time in five years where I set a boundary and refused to give in to their nonsense. It just became so clear to me that they don’t trust me. Here I was being my usual gullible self, all optimistic and hopeful that these people would want to learn, that they’d be open to information and advice with the ultimate goal of winning. Nope. They just want to use you and abuse you. There’s no fucking respect. They just think I’m someone to open the damn door and then they want to try for that needle in the haystack deal that doesn’t fucking exist. And frankly, if it DID exist, you’re def not the buyer who’s positioned to win that one either! Like, are you paying all cash? Nope? Then, next.

Yeah, they don’t give a damn that it’s a Sunday night and I’ve got plans and what, I should just drop everything to get it done? Sure, I could cobble the essentials- just the purchase contract and be half-assed about all the other elements in the package but nope. I’m known for being tidy and thorough with my paperwork. I’m not going to be half assed and incomplete.

Two days later, the home was in contract. List agent said it went well over 1.65m. I suspect over $1.7m even. And they had wanted to submit at 1.45m. I’m telling you. Not. even. fucking. close. The second home they were interested in was listed at $1.5m and got into contract for $1.8m. When I passed along the info, not even the slightest acknowledgement for how WRONG they were. Whatevs. As Bubbey says, some people are just losers: they will just continue submitting losing offers, bc they won’t adapt enough to win. As incredulous as that seems to me, I suppose Bubbey is right.

Like I said before: I know this is a crazy market. I know these prices are insane and outrageous. It’s not for everyone, so please conduct your own honest self-assessment, weighing your ability, your finances, your tolerance for risk, your adaptability, etc. Once you’ve committed to the goal of buying/selling in this market though, my job is to help you win. Don’t sabotage your own path to success.

The COVID Effect

I’ve been thinking lately about how much COVID has changed things. On one hand, I really appreciated the shift to more efficient meetings. The elimination of travel time and commute allowed me to participate in so many more events, esp Realtor weekly updates. I really felt like I was taking advantage of so many more knowledge bases and resources.

Even when I have client zooms, it’s so helpful to be able to view the same properties together online and for me to share data and stats and graphs. Of course, when I used to have in-person meetings, I would book an office space and project that info on the screen but so many times, people would flake last minute and I’d be there all dressed up and set up twiddling my thumbs. Now if people flake (They still do, welcome to the modern era!) at least I can easily pivot back to what I was working on. I also like that I’m able to see people’s faces online. Sure, there are a bunch of studies about zoom fatigue and the detrimental effects of close up focus but eh. Ultimately, I embrace this technology and this form of communication.

John has commented a few times though that COVID has made me less social for my friendships. Maybe that’s true. I find that work has really picked up, so I’m easily having calls/zooms with several people per day and that eats into my overall battery for social interactions.

Which kinda brings me to a realization. All my past personality tests revealed me to be an extrovert by nature (although I’m borderline). But now I find I need my down time. It’s no longer energizing for me to connect with so many people. I like having my decompression time.

I think I’ve been lucky though: I’m in the business of still having to talk to and see people. So even in the most isolating of pandemic times, I’ve still been forced to get out and interact. There are certainly challenges with the face masks and limited body cues, but I’m continuing to learn. I think one important skill I still really need to hone is evaluating people. Seriously. Who’s’ ready, serious, decisive, smart, AND coachable. Too many times I’ve been burned trying to take on a challenge. Trying to identify my learning moment. Fucking showing 4-5 dozen homes only to realize in the end that the buyers STILL won’t adjust their budget/criteria to the current market. That’s my mistake.

In those times, I was a stupid, overly optimistic person. I wanted to believe that the default was: people will see the data and learn. Nope. This damn valley is full of self-confident, know-it-alls. If there’s a deal (a needle in the haystack) to be found, they are CONVINCED they are the ones to find it and win it. And so what you actually end up with is people who gather data ad nauseam and don’t know what the hell to do with it. A year later, prices are up 30% and they still haven’t won a house. Seriously. It’s time to shit or get off the pot, people.

The other day, I was explaining to a couple how competitive this market is. 10-20 offers and on AVERAGE 10% above list price. I advise that they get their loan docs fully underwritten to improve their positioning. What’s the response? A full run down about how they are dual income techies with solid salaries and no debt. Yeah, I know. AND join the club. You’re wanting a $1.6m home for a $1.2m price point. You are steadily employed with perfect credit, yada, yada. At the end of the day though, you want a home at a price point that doesn’t exist. And truthfully, the valley is chock full of people with loads of dough. I’m telling you. I had someone provide their bank statement with $21m in it. Those people are competing with you on that home that’ll go for $1.6m. And you’re telling me you will only pay $1.25m BUT you’ll remove contingencies. SMH. That’s what I’m saying. Are you coachable???

Here’s the thing: I know this market is cray. I know these figures are insane. I know! But my job is to get you ramped up to win. I ain’t about writing a gabillion LOSING offers. That’s a waste of your time and my time. Again, this market isn’t for everyone. Please have a better understanding of yourself (perhaps COVID has warped some brains), and let’s work on getting this shit done.

But I digress. The nature of my job can be pretty fucking exhausting. No doubt our population is highly educated and strongly skewed towards data heads. The irony is that that kind of profile doesn’t necessarily make my job easier. But like I said, I can be an optimistic and sometimes gullible/naive person. I’ll still plug away longer than a regular agent to try and make magic happen with you. Shrug. I can be masochistic that way.

Bye Bye, Bully!

So the bossy pants, rude client that I picked up at an open house and got into contract on an off-market deal? It’s a very long, laborious story but for ten days while we were in contingent status, I did EVERYTHING to get her the info she needed to make the decision for her family. Contractors, inspectors, endless back and forth questions to the sellers, to the HOA. I could sort of tell she was pulling that bullshit “negotiating culture” technique where you lament about SO MANY things being wrong with the home. OMG, it’s in horrendous shape and needs SO MUCH work. For a full week, I’m explaining to her that this place is off-market. It’s not prepped like an active listing and that’s how you’re actually IN CONTRACT. Prior to meeting me, she’d already submitted multiple offers. Did she win? No, bc she’s too fucking cheap to go up in price. She doesn’t have it in her to win in this market. Look, here’s the thing. I know our market is extreme. The price points are crazy high. The pace moves very fast. That’s why I tell buyers: This market is not for everybody. If you are super conservative and want a ton of time to review every detail, this market is not for you. If you don’t want to “overpay”, well, step aside bc plenty of people will and do “overpay” bc they want to be in a damn house. If you want to hire your own inspectors and not use the seller reports, fine. Wait for a different market. Seriously. I’m not here to bully you beyond your comfort zone. I already know, more people are not interested in being pushed outside their zone. They want to stay in their safe little spot. Fine, your prerogative. You do you. I’m telling you that’s not how the current market goes.

So I’ve actually got a full schedule this afternoon with showings with a new client that is well qualified and actually very considerate and nice (imagine that!), so there’s no need to dwell on a shitty buyer even though I know it makes for a good story.

Here’s the quickie lowdown. I’m getting this down so I will never do this to myself again. Buyer was abrasive from the get go. Acted like she knew everything and she’s super qualified. Just needs the right house. Whatever.

Got her in contract. Gathered a shit ton of data and info…. way more than I’ve ever done for any other client. She kept complaining and kept throwing out lower and lower prices. The sellers were very clear about their bottom number. She kept pushing. One day she wanted the contact info for the homeowner next door who doesn’t even live at the home. Next day, she was freaking out about rats being in the EXTERIOR water heater closet that had a damaged door. Next day, why is the door number missing from above the garage and it’s not missing for anyone else? So many more… I can’t even list it all out. So finally, yesterday morning, she emails me to cancel the contract. Per her instructions, I draft it, she and her family Docusign and I send the file to the list agent for sellers. Then in the afternoon, while it’s out for seller signature, she calls that maybe she has remorse. The rat issue is a public health issue she claims, will they come down another 25k after they already agreed to come down the first 25k. I told her, we told you from the get go, you are at the bottom number. No more price cuts and on top of that, the deal is over. Sellers are signing cancellation. I emailed her the executed cancellation.

Then she has the nerve to ask me if we can find another home in the same price point. I told her, after this is formally cancelled, I cannot help you. There isn’t a good fit.

This morning, her lender calls me at 8AM. Can she still proceed with the deal? WTF? What don’t you understand? You’ve been such a pain in the ass to deal with, the sellers were thrilled to cancel and don’t want to ever communicate with you again. I email her again… uh, per your instructions, deal was canceled. Please confirm receipt. Then, a lengthy email about not wanting to be in a bidding war, maybe there are deals where price doesn’t go up, yada yada. Let’s have a frank conversation.

Normally, I respond fast. This time? Gonna just let that message sit. There is nothing more to say. Good luck on your search. F you. I busted my ass to get this deal done. I mean, she had an insane list of criteria…. criteria that even conflicted with each other. When I called to clarify, she wouldn’t even give me the time of day. “I’m a very busy person.” When I disagreed with her on comps, she accused me to advocating for the seller and not her. Ok, whatever. You just negotiated yourself out of a deal and an agent.

Turns out, I’m even busier than you are right now. NEXT. Seriously, it blows my fucking mind the audacity of asshole adults living among us. You want to be a bully? Goodbye.

Taking Action

Lately, I’ve found myself getting pretty. damn. ticked off. by people. Like, a lot. Granted, my biz throws me in front of more strangers/interactions than the average person, so maybe that’s worn down my usually high tolerance (yeah right) for bullshit. I dunno: maybe it’s also just that phase of life, you know having to deal with responsibilities for the parents and things. Altogether, it can be a grind.

The good news is that the Maryland house closed a week ago. That’s officially done. My father got his two vax shots while he was here thru summer, and then he endured another 2 weeks of hotel quarantine after returning back to Taiwan. The island is STILL being super strict with their policies. Thankfully, vaccines are becoming more available there, but I’m waiting to see when they remove the quarantine restriction. Until then, I’m not planning to fly out there for a visit. As it is, I can only handle 5 days max with the parentals, and to tack on 2 weeks confined in a room on top of that is a definite deal breaker.

In other news, we’re into the final weeks of the year, and I am picking up the pace working with numerous buyers. I hosted several open houses that thankfully received a ton of traffic, and I actually scored several new clients from those. At the moment, I’m covering a pretty broad geography from Contra Costa County thru Alameda, San Mateo, and down to Santa Clara Counties, but dayum, it feels good to be very busy.

I’ve been working more too with first-time buyers, and that’s especially rewarding. It’s kind of interesting bc one common theme we often encounter in real estate masterminds/trainings is this notion of “how coachable are you?” And I find that that concept totally applies with buyers. With the demographics of our area, we certainly have a ton of dataheads and personalities that can be rather opinionated and decisive. I definitely appreciate working with people who are educated and smart; that said, sometimes there’s a lot of attitude where people do a lot of puffing. I’ve had a few buyers try to “school” me on the process and/or the market, and then once things got down to business with the details, I realized very quickly they were completely clueless.

I recently met a lady at an open house who just kept being very dismissive, treating me like someone below her. Sometimes I get some weird masochistic bug in my head though, where I convert my annoyance into a game, like… hmm, if I WERE to convert someone like this, how would that be done? So I gathered some advice from my team, and she actually responded. Granted the next several weeks, there was still that underlying disrespect, acting like she knew the market better than I did (she was REALLY starting to irk me), but as I asked more questions, perhaps I suggested to her that she didn’t really understand these terms, like “noncontingent” that she was just throwing out. Two days ago, I got wind of an off-market deal and now we are in contract. Not even a fucking “thank you” for preparing the package in a flash and beating out other buyers who had also seen the home.

I won’t go into the details now, but it’s frustrating dealing with attitude from clients. And thankfully, I have had experiences where I know it doesn’t even have to be that way. So note to self: I must do a better job of being selective. I don’t have to work with everyone and honestly, not everyone deserves the level of service and attention that I give.

So of course while all this work bullshit has been happening, I got a call from my friend’s mom. Super urgent. My friend N has been in the dumps (again) and somehow I’m the only one who can get to her. Can I fly out to NC to talk to N? Um, I have been leaving messages, polos, sending cards. No reply. I’m done. And no, I’m not fucking flying out to North Carolina just to have a goddamn conversation. I cannot help people who are unwilling to help themselves. I’m not some godsend miracle worker here to save people. I am at the end of my string. Friendship is a two-way street. I try my best to give some buffer for mental health and how debilitating it is, but at end of the day, if you aren’t responding and you don’t even open mail from your concerned friends, sorry, that’s where I draw the line.

And just like that, I am back in therapy. I know society still has a stigma with mental health and therapy, but I don’t have any shame for therapy. The world’s a fucked up place, and kudos for people who have the cognizance to ask for some fucking help to get better. Anyway, I found a lady who’s pretty good. We’re doing the weekly thing, and she actually seems quite cutting edge. Already, she has suggested some newer coping techniques and methods. I started seeing her bc I was feeling a lot of anger and frustration being surrounded by people of inaction. That’s what I’ll call them. People who are miserable and unhappy and yet don’t take any action to change things or try to make things better. Look, everyone is struggling. You’re not the only one with problems. Fucking do something to figure it out.

The initial impetus for all this was, surprise, surprise, my parents. I had had just one too many calls where mom was a practical vegetable, unable to even get up out of her chair, her muscles have atrophied so much, and dad never leaves the house and just sighs every which way. What are you up too? Is anything new? NOTHING.

Jesus Christ, are you being held captive? Yes, I know it’s covid times but in Taiwan, that shit is under control. You live across one of the largest urban parks on the goddamn island. Go across the street and take a fucking walk! Jesus Christ. As you can see, I was up to my ears listening to this self-imposed paralysis.

The thing is, on one hand, my brain tells me I need to have more compassion. That people aren’t necessarily built like I am (whatever that means) with motivation and self-control. Yada yada. Fine, feel some compassion for them being paralyzed by pain. Now what. What the fuck are you gonna do about it?

So that’s topic #1 with the therapist. Topic #2 is bullshit I have related to work and self-worth and my definitions of success. I have discussed my mental struggles with work/career ad nauseum on this blog. It goes away every few years and then comes back with a fucking vengeance. No one really gets it. What started off as parental pressures used to “motivate” me to be better turned into a lifelong, insatiable, relentless push where at times, I will push myself to sheer exhaustion chasing this nebulous, constantly morphing ideal of success. The therapist admits there are memories and incidents where the things my parents said were “messed up.” Her proposal is to try EMDR (Eye movement desensitization reprocessing) to help move me to a place where I can recall memories without feeling the pain and trauma (her word choice) surrounding them.

So I’m on a once a week and of course, as soon as I started, I began compiling my thoughts about what I thought my issues were and why I was seeking help. Yes, in true control-freak fashion. Unlike what I did with a past therapist though, I refrained from providing her with a written synopsis. Haha, yes I did that in the past! Anyway, as you can see the projects never really end. There’s always something.

Reminder

I’ve never had a great relationship with my mother and now that she has Alzheimer’s, some days it’s even harder to think of her in her best light. Saw this on LinkedIn this morning and it gave me some insight, especially on my father’s perspective.

The UPS Store

If you know ANYthing about me, it is that I LOVE the old school musicals… specifically Les Mis, Miss Saigon, and Cabaret. Those are my staple productions. I can listen to them anywhere, anytime, and the tears will just come on like a fucking tsunami. So the other day, we were in the car and Bubs put on Miss Saigon and the Bui Doi song came on. The one about the children of GIs and Vietnamese women. There is a line there that describes the kids as “conceived in hell and born in strife.” I mean, let’s be real: I had an extremely privileged upbringing. Still, something about that line just resonates.

Obviously, I’ve taken a very long hiatus from blogging… possibly the LONGEST break since I started the blog in 2003. I’m not proud of the absence but well, COVID (the same excuse everyone else is using these days). Plus, my family has to win awards for its level of drama. That’s right: drama amplified.

To recap: My father had flown from California to Taiwan over a year ago in June/July 2020 and then he got stuck there. What did that mean for me? 24/7 INTERNATIONAL personal assistant. Calls at all hours. All his US mail? Forwarded to me. Along with that of my grandparents’, brother’s, and mother’s. Yes, a SHIT TON of mail. Meanwhile, none of their accounts had set me as an additional accountholder, so then I had to do all the account management having zero written authority. Then, you have NO idea how fucking painful it is to even sync with my family in Taiwan. Not only is the time difference 15 hours, they won’t spend a cent to call internationally, so then we can only connect via Line, Skype, or Facetime and on top of that, they either don’t have reliable wifi or where they do have it, they have THE cheapest fucking option which results in choppy quality and non-existent video. To make matters worse, they actually don’t understand the difference between video and audio calls, so half the time, I’m staring into my father’s ear canal. Seriously. God forbid, they shell out $20/month for legit broadband service as a BASIC NECESSITY. That’s the thing. All these responsibilities get thrown to me and then I have shit tools to work with and my parents’ tech skills is a -100 on a 10-point scale. So many hours of my life gone, bc we did not have systems in place. Anyway, after more than a year of dealing with this bullshit. I somehow managed to get the legal docs updated. I will spare you the agonizing details; just know that my fuse of ZERO was blown every goddamn time.

So now, improved systems are in place– things still aren’t 100% the way I would run them but good enough until the next volcanic eruption. And I’m cranking through the list: closing accounts, adding my name, paying bills, setting up zoom meetings, paying taxes, scanning their mail, doing international shipments… I’m a freaking 24/7 UPS store and more!

In June of this year, dad came back Stateside after more than a year away. I hooked him up with the vaccine (Taiwan has limited supply), and then headed to Maryland in early July to begin the preparations for putting my childhood home up for sale. Over 5,000 sqft of house stuffed with three generations’ worth of junk from a family of hoarders. They had such old bedding/sheets that I had to buy my own flannel set a couple years back so I could sleep on cotton fabric that wasn’t ripped/threadbare. My first night in the bed this time around, I discovered three acorns. I thought I was going mad. WTF. Maybe I had picked these up last time I was in town and fell asleep while fidgeting with them in the bed??? I was gaslighting myself. It was a total mystery, bc I found no other evidence of rodents in the bed. But the next night, I was sitting on the couch watching tv and behind the throw pillow was a pile of rice. And some mouse poop. Problem solved. I mean, the house was vacant for over a year in a place that has all four seasons… so guess I shouldn’t be that surprised.

Needless to say, the to-do list for my parents is neverending. It really is. I will be actively working on two items with my dad hovering right there and then he’ll introduce a third and a fourth as if I weren’t working efficiently enough… Ugh, it’s super annoying and frustrating and results in snippy Vicky. Consequently, my parents describe my help as “service without a smile.” I mean look, on one hand, no fucking apologies. You get what you get. It’s like that Hotwire rental car deal my friend G always signs up for. She signs up for a killer deal, and it’s a grab bag as to what car she gets at the counter. In other words, you get an awesome rate bc they pick the car for you. Well, my parents fucking hit the jackpot with me: I am a goddamn workhorse. I have a HUGE capacity to figure things out and to get shit done but don’t expect Nordstorm customer service ok? Which leads me to Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I first heard of this condition a few years back when a neighbor with two kids was bitching about her youngest son. She said he had unexplained rage issues and was diagnosed with ODD. Honestly, his defiance sounded intriguing and then as she described it further, a light bulb went off. That’s all that was needed for Bubs to diagnose me. I mean, if this ODD is real, I feel a lot of parallels. Maybe it’s helpful to put a label on things? I dunno but a part of me also thinks ANYONE would have ODD given my same exact circumstances.

Bottom line? I’m fucking exhausted. I have a LIFETIME of examples but let me just share the latest argument with dad. So as you know, he’s currently here with us in Cali. He’s eager to get back to Taiwan bc my mother is calling on the daily, barking orders and slinging her accusations of infidelity. So he wants me to compare flights using his points, using his voucher, plus one way vs round trip or whatever. Um, it’s one way bc we don’t know when you’ll be back, esp with COVID.

Oh but if I do round trip, it’s a better deal and I’ll use fewer points.

No! I’m booking it one way with points and this is what I’m booking. Back the hell up! I don’t need you micromanaging my ass and overcomplicating EVERY dayum detail.

After we get over that hurdle, there are a shit ton more details about international entry/exit and quarantine requirements, thanks to COVID and the delta. The good news is I have attention to detail so I’m reading everything and figuring it all out. I figure out what test to get, where, when, how much, where to send in the docs, yadda, yadda. I create online accounts, upload his insurance files, register a slot, and get it all done. Test date set for X date.

After it’s all done and sorted, dad’s reading shit on his computer (but very limited bc he doesn’t do online research for more than five minutes). He calls my cousin in Taiwan and asks her to call the airport or whatever. At issue is WHEN to take the test so it’s acceptable for Taiwan when he arrives at the airport. I tell him I know how to fucking read, and it’s handled. He insists the test date is TOO early and my cousin’s friend of a friend says the results have to be three days prior to arrival date. Back and forth. Hello: I’ve read the info from United Airlines specific to this ticket. The results have to be issued no longer than 3 working days from date of departure. ARGHHHHHHH!!! Bc of his fucking neuroses, I have to spend another two hours calling, researching, reading, being on hold, etc. That information is wrong. He’s not convinced. So then he wants me to schedule a same day test which is only at SFO. But that’s cutting it too close, so maybe I can drive him to SFO the day before to do a test? I’m telling you. Now this item that took 30 min to decipher has ballooned to my entire afternoon. This is just ONE example. Every other to-do item turns out like this. Welcome to my life. Same with figuring out shipping international freight, international regular shipment, domestic shipment, forwarding addresses, updating addresses, paying vendors, shredding medical records/financial papers, etc. FML. Meanwhile, my brother has learned that I figured out how to ship items internationally and he asks me to buy him 3 bags of some body detoxification product from Canada to receive in the US and forward to him in Taiwan bc the company doesn’t ship to Asia. Nope, I may be my parents’ UPS store but I sure as hell am not his!

Want some good news? The Maryland house is emptied. Two full days, a crew of five sorters/packers, and a team of movers. Fucking amazing. Repairs have commenced and we’re targeting on market before the end of August. The handful of saved items got shipped here and arrived. Items sent to Taiwan also arrived and passed customs (another ordeal). Dad got his negative test results yesterday. That caused another frenzy about timing, so I took screen shots, printed out/highlighted the instructions, and just reiterated that I followed everything stated by United. If he arrives in Taiwan and they reject the test, he can just take it again there. I’m done. Let’s not beat this dead horse one more fricking time please.

Hurrah beotches, the blog is back!

Three Seasons

At the start of fall, a friend of mine commented that the pandemic has now lasted through three seasons. Goddamn, that’s one way of putting it into perspective. In the beginning, I’ll admit, I welcomed SIP. I mean, for one thing, I hate driving, so being able to tend to much of my work activities from the comfort of home was freaking amazing. At first, I was just tuning in on zoom— camera off and audio on mute. But after a couple weeks, I realized that I was kinda being a schlump… you know, attending while still half asleep and still wearing my PJs. As soon as I realized this was not helping me tackle the days full force, I shifted gears. Yup. Got up, changed into work clothes, put on my makeup, got everything all set up and arranged on the dining table by the kitchen windows (great lighting). For me, getting dressed and ready makes a huge difference.

I went into hyper focused mode. I took all the required classes and tests to renew my agent license (set to expire in November). Got that shit done months early. I also took some extra skills training and classes. Plus my brokerage was getting us on Zoom daily so we could be briefed on all the damn industry and legal changes. SO MANY.

Aside from SIP further enabling my workaholism, I actually appreciate that I’ve trimmed things down to the essentials. I used to be into organizing activities and dinner and travel and things… I realized that I actually enjoy taking a break from all that. It’s a lot of extraneous effort and work. Not that I don’t enjoy seeing friends but I dunno: turns out I don’t mind feeding my introverted side. I don’t really feel motivated or compelled to initiate anymore. John’s been making comments thinking it’s unusual for me but eh, maybe that was an entirely different life. I read somewhere that who you are now doesn’t have to be who you were five minutes ago. True dat.