J and I are finally headed home today, and boy are we relieved. In general, he and I rarely travel longer than 8 days in one go, so this two week thing being away from home and Marty is kinda killer. It’s so funny, bc every time I visit family in Taiwan, they always ask why our trip is so short: you fly halfway across the world and the tickets are so expensive, you really need to stay longer, for like a month at a time. But OMFG, considering the way I get along with my parents… Seriously, even five days is way plenty. Note to self: Do NOT forget this the next time I book my flights to Taiwan.

Interestingly, after the huge blowups, my parents’ MO is to act like nothing happened. Mind you, at the next fight, every little detail will be dredged back up, but for the time being at least, that’s how my parents rebound from their fights. The next day, everything appears back to normal. Even my aunt made a comment like yeah they fight all loud and heatedly, but then it just blows over afterwards. I don’t quite bounce back the same way, and you all know, I have the memory of a fucking elephant, so yeah, I don’t just forget all that transpired. Still, after 48 hrs., thinking back to all that mom and I argued about, it did all seem rather silly… like the level of heat was incommensurate to the issue.

J, who has witnessed even worse and at more frequency back in the day when I was still interacting (and living) with Johnny, says the fighting with my parents has gotten better. I mean before, they were on my case about so many things in addition to the Johnny situation, for example, me not having a prestigious job, not having enough higher education, not having kids, not dressing like an adult, blah, blah, blah. Now, they ocassionally make jabs about the child-free thing or they indirectly mention it by saying how miserable they are, but for the most part, Johnny is the only real remaining issue of contention. They want me to re-establish relations with him in hopes that I will influence him to be more adult and more mature.

J says that their parenting dilemma with my brother is def a difficult situation. I mean, parents always want their children to be well. And I’m sure they don’t want to have to keep worrying about him the rest of their lives. I get that. But you simply cannnot deny their continued role in creating and in exacerbating this problem. It’s fine to guide and support and help your child when he is younger. But he is a full blown adult now. He is forty-fucking-three years old. By continuing to pay his bills, provide him with rent-free housing, manage the maintenance of his housing (checking for damage after the typhoons, replacing filters, etc.), remind him about deadlines for his job (!!), buy his airline tickets, send him home with food for the week… it’s just too. damn. much. Sure, there are cultural influences also at play: that’s why there are terms like “Little Emperor Syndrome,” the “4-2-1 scenario” (meaning the four grandparents and two parents are all focused on serving the 1 child’s every need), and the “strawberry generation” (the overprotected kids are so fragile that the slightest bump or hardship causes extreme bruising). Still, despite the cultural norms, I feel that the case is especially extreme and pronounced in my family. My refusal to re-engage with my brother is partly for self-preservation, but I also firmly believe that as long as my parents insist on parenting in this manner, no amount of outside influence from me or from anyone will change his ridic sense of entitlement and his absolute inability to be independent, resourceful, and self-sufficient.

I’m starting to get really run down over here. I have developed two ulcers/sores in my mouth, I’m still sick (sore throat and fatigue), and my skin is looking extra shitty. I have not slept well in days. Earlier today before the family lunch, J and I went over to my youngest aunt’s house and she started peppering me with questions: why are you tired and why are you not sleeping, what do YOU have to worry about, etc. I suppose in most people’s eyes, bc we don’t have kids and bc neither one of us is currently working, how could anything possibly be bothering us? They just don’t get it.

But whatever. After spending a few days with my family, John sees the level of intensity. In fact, he’s now sick also. He probably termed it best the other day: my family is totally dysfunctional, and the most surprising realization is: despite how much my parents have done for me and for their families, they fight in a very immature and emotionally abusive manner, using tactics centered on blame, judgement, and constant comparison (of kids, pedigree, wealth, success, diligence, whatever.)

After witnessing all this, J says a lot of my quirks now make more sense. A lot of this is learned behavior, particularly the blaming, the keeping a mental tally, the dredging up of shit from forever ago, the constant criticism/nagging, the “principled” attitude where there’s a “right” and “wrong” way of doing things, the “if I want it done right, only I can do it” lack of delegation, the martyrdom, the extreme frugality (jumping through hoops to save $5)…

Watching the way my parents fight (which is at minimal daily), he remembers how I used to fight early on… arguments were always about me being right and about me proving who (else) was to blame. They were never about working through misunderstandings and moving forward. I don’t fight like that anymore (thank goodness for therapy!), but shit, when I’m super stressed and rundown (like when I’m with my parents), I instinctively resort to those old methods. And that was def apparent in my huge blowup with mom last night. I feel compelled to get the last word.

The family lunch today went fine. J and I ended up taking the metro and a cab to get to my aunt’s house. Her daughter then drove us to the restaurant. My brother came down via train and then my parents, my grandparents, and he drove to the restaurant. Due to lack of seating, the caretaker stayed home. And that was probably best: I’m sure she enjoyed the peace and quiet, esp after having heard two massive blowups in less than 24 hrs. More on the second explosion later…

At the restaurant, Johnny sat next to John and they chatted things up. I talked to him for a bit, meaning I was civil and such, but I will never truly engage with him in an authentic way again. In that sense, the relationship is just eternally broken, and the same can be said for my relationship with my mother.

Obviously, I should not have lost my temper with her yesterday. And though everything I said was truthful and accurate (see how I still like to be right?), I probably should have just bitten my tongue. I mean, even Americans don’t adopt the radical honesty philosophy that I do: in most situations, society and civility simply demand self-censorship. So as much as I stand by my sentiments, the way I express them can be very hurtful. Moving forward, the best I can do is disengage. J reminds me that whatever happens with my brother and my parents and all this jumbled mess, it doesn’t really affect our daily lives in California, so just focus on getting home.

I agree, but it’s still hard for me to be so aloof. I want good things for my parents; I want them to live healthy, happy, vibrant lives. Ultimately though, their happiness is not up to me. During our fight yesterday, my mother said my refusal to reconcile with Johnny denied her happiness. See, this is the bullshit mind games they like to play. Maybe I should just give up thinking they will ever attain happiness. Without therapy or any real change, they will just continue picking scabs, obsessing over what’s wrong rather than what’s right in their lives. They will always choose misery and the scapegoating that accompanies that.

Needless to say, this morning (before the family lunch) J and I awoke up to my parents fighting. Again, my mother was blaming my father for all kinds of shit from our childhood… dad argues no one can do a better job as a provider than he, blah, blah. To be honest, mom’s a shitty debater. I mean, she has no logic. But dayum, she just needles and needles and needles, and then my dad totally blew up. Super loud and pissed. I haven’t heard him that angry in decades. I finally had to interject and tell him to step away. And then I told my mom: you are sacrificing all other relationships for this one relationship with my brother. If Johnny’s indeed such a great person like you say he is, how come he never answers your calls. How come he never calls you back? How come he never checks in to see how you are doing? What exactly does he do that is so damn thoughtful and caring and good? No one is telling you not to have a relationship with him, but we are free to decide our own relationships with him. Don’t blame others to justify his flaws and shortcomings: blame yourself for insisting on ignoring them and blame Johnny for his own behaviors. Every year I come back to Taiwan and put up with your bullshit and arguing. I’m not doing it anymore. I said it calmly and then I walked out of her room.

Later, J and I were eating breakfast and dad came out. You need to watch what you say to your mother. I dunno if he was referring to what I said this morning or what transpired last night. I agreed, but shit, she pushes and pushes. Then she jumped in all incredulous, “How do I push you??” You do. How? How do I push you? I just kept quiet but inside, OMFG!!!!!! Are you for. real??? It took all the energy to just leave it alone. After that, J and I left.

“Bye! Have a good time!” they said.

Yeah, right guys. What the fuck ever. I’m having a STELLAR time.

Fuck man, I had a feeling the Johnny conversation was on the verge of rearing its godawful, ugly-ass head. Boy was my intuition spot. on. Let’s set up the scene for this latest Perfect Storm.

Yesterday, I had another sleepless night: In addition to last minute logistical delays with the Walkersville townhouse transaction, I just couldn’t stop thinking about all the conversations and drama that had occurred that day in the car. I had to get it all out. Needless to say, I had a lot on my mind, and I was already approaching a very high sensitivity level with my parents.

So today (Friday), we got up early bc my aunt and cousin in Tainan got us tickets for an origami exhibit. My mother had mentioned it the first day I got back, and I happened to see the banner ad for it in the train station, so I made arrangements with my cousin to set it all up. John drove us up. It was a lovely, well-done museum, with a combo of natural history, sculpture, history, and the origami show. It was a pretty good day despite the high temps and totally suffocating humidity. We hit up the exhibits, grabbed a tasty Thai lunch, and then drove home.

Intermittently throughout the day, my mother kept trying to call my brother to ask him about attending the family lunch tomorrow. He never answered her calls, so thinking this was a technical glitch or something, she asked me to call. I refused and just showed her how to call again using her phone. It’s not a technical problem, mom. He is just NOT ANSWERING your calls. As usual. Duh.

After we get home, she asks me about ride logistics, bc there are a lot of people going tomorrow. I tell her I’m contacting my cousin who lives down the street from my parents to hitch a ride, bc my parents can only fit themselves and the grandparents in their one car. Since my parents have the bigger car, I figure, John and I will sit in my cousin’s smaller Toyota Tercel. Long story short, she reveals that Johnny is supposed to come down tomorrow and he’ll also need a ride to Donggang, where the restaurant is. So my mom suggests that the caretaker stay home. I think it’s super rude to exclude the caretaker, bc it’s also her one chance to leave the house and to meet up with the other caretaker… Then, my mom launches into a huge thing about how I’m more compassionate to outsiders than to my own brother. Are you for real? What the hell is wrong with you?

Within a matter of seconds, full blown war erupts, with John sitting in the bed next to me and my mother standing in front of me yelling back and forth. I tell her that there is enough room for everyone, including my brother, with the two cars. She keeps going back to me wanting to include the caretaker for an event that has nothing to do with her… I’m like, look. You need transport. We have enough space for everyone to go. Then she’s like, “I thought you said the cousin’s car is too small.” (Do you see how she just needles?) I have to explain to her a gabillion times, finally even drawing her a goddamn picture, to show that the cousin’s car IS smaller but we can still squeeze all the passengers. Then she goes off about how I’m mistreating my brother: he is trying to befriend me and I’m so mean and I won’t even go visit him in Taipei.

Um, hello: news flash. I don’t spend time and money every year to visit my lame-ass, selfish, irresponsible brother, ok? The trip is not for him. Second, if he’s trying to befriend me, why have I not received a single email or text or call from him on this trip?

At this point, I have totally lost it and I’m like getting more and more agitated when she brings up the car transport thing again. Then she starts preaching about family. What, you mean the family that you keep complaining about (my dad’s relatives), who also happen to be the ones helping to take care of your own parents when you are back in the States???

And yes, about the cars (again): there is enough room for everyone. I tell her she is fucking mental and needs to go get checked. Then she angrily starts yelling at me and gets closer, “What kind of attitude is this that you have? You don’t need to embarrass Johnny in front of other people and make him lose face in front of the family.” I then counter-escalate with even more rage. I am so fucking angry, my body is quaking and I’m like ready for a fist fight throw down. For reals. NO ONE on this planet enrages me more than my mother.

Oh hell no, you are NOT going to blame ME for damaging his reputation. He does that well enough on his own. I mean, I don’t even know why we are having this conversation. Homeboy lives in Taiwan. He can find his own fucking way to the restaurant. Why does he even need to hitch a ride? Then she keeps asking me if my cousin is going to take us. I don’t know yet: she has not yet replied to my texts. Jesus fucking Christ. She’s all over the godddamn map. ARGH!!!!

John grabs my hand and just starts squeezing it. Anyway, the yelling continues back and forth. I will never be his friend. She says I should be more than his friend. No, I shouldn’t. And for someone who doesn’t even communicate with her own brother, fuck off.

I have no idea what anyone else was doing while all this shit was going down. I think the caretaker was giving my grandfather a massage; my grandmother and father were both sleeping. I dunno. I tell mom that anytime Johnny contacts me, it’s to recruit me for his stupid cult. She replies, so what if you attend his event and go to show support. So what???

OMG, I hate her! Hello, this trip is NOT for him. Why the hell would I waste my personal time to be bullied by strangers and religious fanatics? Also, why should I go up to Taipei to visit him? I have flown halfway across the world. He can fucking take the train and visit the family down south. She makes me so out-of-my-mind angry. You are the parent. Parent however way you like, but you don’t get to tell me how to be his sister.

As it turns out, the cousin has already left town, so she can’t even give us a ride. And my mom had hinted that Johnny usually runs late. See? Entitled as fuck. Everyone is supposed to bend over backwards to accommodate him, to help and serve him. Fuck you. He can hitch his own taxi to the restaurant.

After she leaves my room, I just sit there stewing. So fricking angry. And then the tears come. Why does she pull this bullshit every damn time? I hate her. This changes everything. Fuck it, I can’t live with them. They are going to have to figure out where they want to go when they are old. I cannot handle being in her proximity.

Afterwards, John and I go for a walk. What the hell does she want from me? He says my parents want me to take over their role with him… Not gonna happen. You chose to be parents. I didn’t. So what’s the resolution? J says I just have to make it through the remaining days here. My parents and I will never agree about my brother, bc we have two very different value systems. All parties recognize that, so there is no point in discussing it any further. Neither side will ever convince the other. He says to just say, “I’ll think about it.” That’ll prevent escalation and defer the topic until next time. Given my history with my parents, can this even be done?

Admittedly, part of the problem is that, like my father, I have my reasons for my positions and I like to defend them. I also like to squeeze in the very last word. That is how I grew up. Learned behavior. Obviously, this strategy doesn’t work so well, but the new tactic entails swallowing my pride, letting them say what they want to say, and letting it wash over. Yup, this sounds like a completely impossible task for me. I guess I’ll try it though over the next few days.

Honestly, I feel like my mother just keeps picking old scabs, damaging our relationship (and all her relationships) further in order to defend and support her position with my brother. Look, do what you want with him, but you’re not going to make me take him on as a project. Been there, done that.

The sad thing is, I think I’m done with her. I’m going to still come back to Taiwan to visit my grandparents, but I’m not going to coincide my trips with hers. I just refuse to continue having these blowouts with her into my 40s. Done.