There’s a first time for everything. After a long and busy day at my open house in Santa Clara, I came home to a lovely meal of lamb chops. The dinner was just what I needed– flavorful and cooked to perfection.

In the middle of the night, I awoke with a gurgling belly. I went to the bathroom thinking something must not be sitting right in my stomach. I felt severe stomach cramping and then I was lightheaded and kinda sweaty. I decided a glass of water would help. The last thing I remember is stepping out of the bathroom. The very next memory is waking up with my face on the floor and my right hand hurting very badly. Yup, crash, boom, bang and just like that I had fainted and collapsed in the hallway. John, who typically sleeps through EVERYTHING, thankfully heard the commotion and found me face down in a pool of blood in the hallway. Meanwhile, Bentley? Totally clueless. Thanks for saving the day, Lassie.

John got me up, I went to the bathroom, and then I immediately felt better. My chin got busted open and it looked like what you would imagine the ground to do after an earthquake. Just a huge crack. We applied some pressure to my face. Meanwhile, my right hand was throbbing, my right shoulder was sore, and my right eye was feeling bruised. I have no earthly clue how the heck I fell in the hall. There are no chairs or stools or anything and somehow I managed to bust up the most random parts of my body. John determined we would need stitches for my face– I mean, it was like an inch-long crack. He called the advice nurse and they recommended we go to the ER bc I had been unconscious.

So about 3am, we’re off to the ER. I tell the story to the staff: had dinner, woke up in the middle of the night with a tummy ache, went to get a glass of water, and collapsed. Uh huh. The doc decided to run a shit ton of tests: xray for my hand, blood work, EKG, CT scan… we were getting worried. I mean, seriously. What kind of 40-something gets a tummy ache and loses consciousness? Makes no sense.

Thankfully, the docs at Kaiser are amazing. I mean, I know people like to knock HMOs, but I have always had a great experiences with KP. Efficient, competent, good bedside manner. Tests all came back normal. The doc stitched up my face. I was being a total vain beotch, asking if she should use superglue instead of stitches… she assured me stitches were the way to go. I walked out of the ER around 6 AM. And I still wanted to host my Sunday afternoon open house. I know, I’m fricking crazy. But with all the bruising setting in, J made me call it off. It was ridiculous too explaining to the list agent and loan officer what had happened. What a bizarre story.

A few days later, I hit up my primary care physician. This lady is a kindred spirit. Every illness i have had, she has ALSO had. I think we’re about the same age too. So many times, I was convinced something was wrong with me or my immune system and every single time, she looked at my test results and reassured me that I was just tired or rundown and got exposed to the germs. I mean, if you don’t believe me: I have had shingles, H1N1, walking pneumonia, the cold/flu for 2 months, and now this. WTF, right? Well she reviewed all the tests. Her answer? This has happened to her. It’s called vasovagal syncope. Basically, when the organs start cramping, the body thinks something is going down. Either it responds with the flight/fight adrenaline rush or it shuts down by immediately lowering the blood pressure. Apparently, when I felt dizzy and lightheaded, I should have just gotten down. Instead, I tried to be a busy-ass body and go to the kitchen to get some water. Blood pressure dropped and I knocked out. And on the way down, I got busted up. So the good news is that everything is normal. The stitches came out a week later and now I’m putting pricey scar cream on this shit twice a day. I’m so vain. Thankfully, it’s right at my jawline and not super visible. As for my black eye, I gotta give a shout out to the power of makeup. People had no idea about my yellow/blue bruising and soreness. They only saw the stitches– the hairs on my chin as I called them. Now things are back to normal and I’m back in the grind. The final lesson? Feeling sick/nauseous/crampy? Get the f down!!