All the books on personal development and growth stress over and over again that confidence is everything. I have lived and understood this concept firsthand, and yet, some days my mindset is a real clusterfuck.

Since returning from Austin, I’ve been feeling especially tenuous, mentally. On one hand, I look around at a lot of the other agents, and I feel like my dedication is stronger and my method is more meticulous, more thorough, more careful, more intense. I know I’ll do a good job in facilitating any of the transactions. Other days, I get frustrated that so many months in, my leads still are not converting. I beat myself up for not being good enough, for being socially awkward/unpolished/inexperienced/etc. Why else don’t people want to work with me, right?

Then, John and I go socialize with other people, and I sometimes feel so self-conscious: I don’t watch their shows, I don’t drink their drinks, I’m unfamiliar with their hobbies, I don’t sync with their humor… and I dunno, what the hell can I contribute to the conversation?!?! By the end of it all, my self esteem is in the dumps. Like, why am I so boring? And when the hell am I going to fit in? When is this going to ever feel natural?

People close to me tell me I’m way too hard on myself. Maybe it is simply an issue of finding my tribe. For example, John’s tribe doesn’t have to be my tribe. But then that takes me back to my sphere of influence, whom I generally ping every month. Hundreds of people. Only a handful of replies much less leads. I feel exasperated, and my emotional state plummets further. Who does this? I mean, after an entire lifetime of being a social outcast/misfit, you’d think I’d be impervious to this crap. Apparently. not. Is it the influence of social media, creating this incessant craving for validation? It seems so ridiculously needy. SMH.

I’m trying to re-train my mindset to be more resilient, bc honestly, in this profession, I can’t afford the time nor the energy to keep getting down about this shit. That said, allow me to share my latest annoyance.

I reached out to my college roommate the other day. She’s the one who’s pretty much been a flakey friend ever since we were out of sight, out of mind and left school. Never kept in touch. I would send her gifts or notes or whatever. No reply. I found out on Facebook recently that she moved back to DC and had a second child. I suppose, that should have been an automatic drop. Erased from my life. But no. after the hurricanes, I emailed her to ask about her extended family in Puerto Rico. Partly bc I really wondered and hoped they were safe. And also bc my new profession tells me this is a relationship business as well as a numbers game. You have to reach a LOT of people. Maybe the lesson here is also that you have to qualify your leads. There’s no point beating a dead horse. Hmm. Mental note.

So anyway, now it is October 1. And I have to climb out from my stupid pity party and keep plugging. I need to dust myself off and rise again like the Phoenix. Haha.

Interestingly, I had a conversation last Thursday with another new agent. This dude is really inspiring. He is diligent about script practice, and he has all the different scenarios/scripts down. And beyond that, he has that confidence, that swagger. It’s helpful to see, bc when I watch/hear him deliver the scripts, that energy and momentum and charisma is undeniable. He is living proof that confidence is everything. So that is my hurdle I’m working to overcome. I need to build confidence, and I need more grit.

That agent, he actually shared a story from his childhood. He grew up dirt poor: he and his brother used to scavenge public areas for loose coins so they could pool the money and buy a McDonald’s hamburger to split. They were perpetually hungry. I know, it moves me to tears just thinking about people not having enough to eat… But the point of his share wasn’t to make me feel pity. His point was that everyone has his/her struggles and challenges. Bc he lived through that hardship and survived, this putting-himself-out-on-the-limb to be liked and to build rapport with strangers… it’s nothing. It’s just a game. If someone slams the door or hangs up the phone, who the fuck cares. He has lived through some real shit and that rejection is not going to break him.

It’s a good reminder for me. I mean, obviously, my life obstacles have been very different. But I see his point. I am strong. I have resolve. I know I will work hard and do a great job advocating for my clients. Rejection along the way will not break me.

New week kicks off tomorrow. Time to get my mindset straight again.