So my friend G is turning 40 next month, and she’s kinda freaking out bc everyone she knows warns there is a noticeable shift when you turn 40. I’m sure some part of her thinks her friends are being overly dramatic, that there isn’t really a threshold that gets crossed… I suppose everyone has a different experience, but if I’m just speaking for J and me, turning 40 was not just some imaginary threshold. Shit got real. Big. Time. Some examples? First off, remember when Bubs tore his calf muscle just from getting out of his office chair to answer the doorbell? Yeah, even the doctor was incredulous bc typically that kind of muscle tear happens when people are running a race and you know, just busting out too fast from the starting blocks. As if we’ve done ANY kind of running in the last ten years of our lives. SMH.

Another example? Bubbey just ordered progressive eyeglasses. I mean, sure he got them from hipster shop Warby Parker. That does NOT erase the fact that he now needs special lenses that allow him to read books. OMFG.

Meanwhile, I am not faring much better. My skin and hair are going to the dumps. I dunno if it’s the stress of a new career or what, but shit is losing elasticity and luster. Also, I had to go to the doctor recently to talk about excruciating foot pain. Yeah, multiple times in a month, I got a shooting pain in the center of my foot. It was almost like a charlie horse or muscle spasm except that pulling back my big toe did nothing to alleviate the pain. And the pain lasted for several minutes. OMG it hurt so badly. Naturally, I did my own research on WebMD and between that and my grandma and dad having gout, I was convinced I had consumed too much purine-rich foods and screwed myself over. Well, the doctor immediately said no to the gout. And then he asked to look at my shoes. I was wearing my red Timberland wedges which I love and never had issues wearing before… until I turned 40. Yeah, those are the culprit, the doc says. The footbed slope is too high. So basically, I was told to take Advil and to do special toe stretch exercises, which essentially entail me putting my pedicure toe separators on my feet. And now I have spent like two hours scouring all the online shoe sites searching for decent looking old lady shoes. It. Is. Exhasperating. I am looking at all the old white lady country club brands: Rockport, Easy Spirit, Aerosoles, Clarks, Dr. Scholls, Hush Puppies… I ordered four pairs from Macy’s and only one pair from that lot might work. I’ve ordered another four pairs from 6pm. We’ll see how those do. Fucking A.

In other news, the lease for my Bimmer is coming up at the end of the year. J insists that I need a bigger car to schlep around all my realtor cargo. Those fucking open house signs are so fucking bulky plus the prep bins plus my mobile command center… So he has compiled a list of SUVs. Since my car will be a tax deductible business expense, I’ll likely do a lease. Still, I’m a cheap mofo and after looking at all the SUVs, I’m now leaning towards a mini-van. Yes, this is perhaps THE ultimate indicator that I am an old beotch, bc I just don’t fucking care anymore! My friend K commented that we will be the world’s ONLY childfree couple living the minivan lifestyle. Truth. That said, the minivan pretty much has the same cargo space as the SUV PLUS better gas mileage PLUS quieter transmission PLUS slider doors. And Bubbey has been hankering for a minivan for a long while (See? He’s old too.). I mean, at the point that I am having to wear orthopedic shoes, I might as well just give in to being an all around frump-a-dump. Seriously.