Oh my. After another week of running around and putting myself out there, I just crashed and burned. Last Wednesday, Bubs flew back East again to visit his mom and take care of bidness. I went to seven trainings, met with more lenders, caught up with old colleagues, attended a few meetups, and hosted an open house.

I went to a bday party last night for my friend K at the university. She and the hubby just bought their first house: what a cozy and beautiful bungalow in Southeast San Jose! Some of our former colleagues were at the party, so it was nice to catch up. My former department restructured recently and some peeps I know got pushed out (sadly) while others scored big time reclassifications. Good for them.

Today, I had lunch with several engineering buds from the fuel cell startup. Between last night and today, I had a good time catching up with old buds from both workplaces but truth be told, after I got home, I broke down in tears.

I don’t really know how to explain it, but some days I just really feel like a failure. Don’t get me wrong: I am genuinely and sincerely happy for the successes of my friends. More pay, higher titles, opportunities for growth. Yay! I believe firmly in the idea of abundance: there is plenty of success to go around for all of us. But at the same time, sometimes I just feel shitty. You see, I want to be around motivated and energetic people. I want to be around movers and shakers– not bc those people are necessarily better people than others, but bc I feel a commonality and relate better to professional ambition instead of family goals (my fam is too damn dysfunctional).

So at lunch today with my engineering buds… I mean, they are just so damn smart. After all, these are the guys behind the chips and batteries and electronics and wiring in all the technology that makes modern living so fucking amazing: smaller and smaller devices; automotive innovations; medical devices that detect illnesses and deliver treatments to the ill; solar panels that are taking places off grid… We are talking about serious game-changers. And then there’s me. Still treading water, still trying to find my way: still trying to make myself useful and helpful. Still trying to change lives in some/any kind of capacity. Basically, still trying to rub two stones together to create a spark. I just felt so down on myself.

Every week I talk to my dad and there is nothing new to report. He tells me that building a new business takes time and anyway, I “don’t really NEED the money.” I mean I know he’s trying to ease my anxiety and impatience, but reminding me that I’m privileged, living in a luxury provided by other people doesn’t help. It makes me feel like shit. I don’t want to be given the consolation prize for success.

I’ve been pushing myself harder lately too. I was learning so much and I was feeling more confident and more comfortable talking about loan programs and reasons to own and whatever. I had toured enough open houses to add more touches to my hosting style to make the experience better and more informative for visitors. I was consistently updating my real estate blog. I was reaching out to people telling them about the resources I discovered… and nothing. I mean, some thoughtful and supportive replies but more often than not, no response at all. Do other people care about supporting/encouraging the success of people they know?? Probably not.

Meanwhile, I also attended the DTB meetup on Friday night. Had a nice discussion with a table of strong feminist women. Followed up with two people who had just posted to the group (so they are online). No reply. 

On Saturday, I went to the skate park for lesson 3. I’m still clunky as fuck but I’m enjoying learning a new physical (vs. mental) skill. The badasses seem to be skating faster and faster at the park so I’m having to dodge people everywhere. That said, it’s amazing to witness their tricks and mad skillz.

In other news, our contractor started on our master bath expansion last week. So far, he’s been punctual, experienced, thorough, and super tidy. I’m hoping he stays reliable and good. This week after Bubs gets back to town, the plumbers will start moving the water/gas lines to accommodate the new bathroom configuration. I can say that I’m a good project manager, but too bad I’m not earning any money from it.

Incidentally, National Puppy Day also happened some time last week. I scrolled through pictures of Remy and Martin and then started bawling my eyes out again. Yup, when it rains, it pours. I’m going to the hot tub now to calm the fuck down. I really need to get my shit together before the start of a new week.