My friend K has always said that true friends become apparent in times of sickness. In her example, her nephew got very sick years ago, and she explains that as she shared the news amongst her circles, so many people said absolutely nothing. Like no reply. And that’s when she realized who she needed to cut out of her life.

When she made that statement, I remembered thinking that she was really unforgiving. I mean, who knows what other people are dealing with in their own lives and certainly, there has been a time or two when I didn’t know what to say to horrible news from an acquaintance. Perhaps K was just being too judgy. In my younger years, I was certainly of that same nature: people needed to be accountable for their behavior, goddamnit! And I would judge them without remorse, bc things were very black and white to me back then.

As I got older, I became more flexible, more willing to consider other circumstances, more willing to grant the benefit of the doubt. I took things less personally. It was a conscious change, bc I thought my personality needed it: I was feeling too many negative thoughts from it.

But in the last few years as our family has encountered death on numerous occasions and to varying degrees of abruptness, I can say that I have felt incredibly disappointed and hurt by the lack of response from people I consider friends.

I mean, clearly I have a history of being disappointed with my friends and acquaintances. I’ve probably detailed the various scenarios ad nauseam. In the past, it was little shit though. Work-related crap. An introduction here or there. To me, a very minor request that is NBD. For whatever reason, people didn’t get to it. Or maybe they didn’t feel comfortable and rather than just telling me so, they just ignored my requests.

For example, with two friends who used to work in the mortgage industry, I asked them to consider introducing me to their old contacts, just bc it’s always easier to set up meetings with “linked” people vs. absolute strangers, right? I mean, I’d already gotten a bunch of lender “doughnut drops” under my belt and I wasn’t above doing those random walk-ins, but to boost my likelihood of getting referrals, I thought this secondary approach would be helpful in conjunction. So like I hit up our own lender whom we used when buying the houseboat; I also met with a lender my friend M used; then, I met with the mortgage broker who handled all our refis… those meetings were helpful and insightful! Anyway, I never heard back. And it wasn’t just some canned email I sent them either: I spent time thinking back to when we last left off, what was new with them… what’s new with me. That shit takes time. And mind you, it’s ALWAYS me checking in on them. Me initiating everything and anything. I shared that Marty died before Christmas. NO. REPLY. I followed up a month later in January. Apologies and then again, no material form of help. That kind of behavior is incredibly hurtful and disappointing. Sure, my trainers keep telling us that sales and marketing is about sifting through piles and piles of dirt to find your gold. You have to find your tribe. You’ll meet tons of people, and you won’t click with lots of them. You have to move fast, not dwell on the rejection or the mismatch, and keep searching for your kind of people. Sure, I get the numbers game. I understand that there’s no time to waste in getting upset. And I can even understand the benefit of having a thicker skin when dealing with lack of response or flat out rejection (um, been there, done that years ago in Phase I).

But I suppose the thing that bothers me is that a lot of these people WERE my tribe– people with whom I thought there really was a genuine connection, people who I worked very hard to value and honor and help in whatever way I could. Not bc I knew I would seek business or help from them in the future, but bc I believe in helping my friends, and by extension, helping friends of friends. And honestly, between the death of Cormac, our friend Chuck, Remy, Mo, Martin, and my father-in-law, it breaks my heart to have the saddest of news fall on deaf ears. I cannot tell you how many people not only did not reply within like 48 hours but they NEVER replied. With my typical naivete, I was so incredulous by their zero response that I even dared to follow up: Did you get my email??? Oh yes, sorry for your loss.

Sigh. Who does that? I mean, don’t make me beat it out of you or anything! These encounters are hard to accept, bc it’s not just simple rejection from a stranger. It almost feels like a kind of betrayal. Is it our modern society being desensitized to death? Are people really THAT busy? I’m flabbergasted. In my heart of hearts, I still believe them to be good people who mean no harm, and yet what a cold and insensitive reaction. SMH.

On the plus side, many of my close friends were immediate on hearing the news. They gave us space but also checked in. I will say too that I have been pleasantly surprised by the kindness of strangers. I had to cancel a bunch of meetings, and one lender who recently lost her mother in the fall– also suddenly and abruptly— wrote me the kindest email offering a shoulder to cry on. We had only met one time at an association mixer and she was so gracious. Similarly, Ramona’s parents: the supportive messages and gifts… it helped restore some small faith in humanity. Sigh.