In general, I spend a lot of time thinking about how to live my life better. Professionally, I’m still working on reaching milestones and attaining success… In my personal life, I’m pretty happy with how I cultivate and manage relationships with friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. With family, um not. so. much. I definitely have room to grow.

Sure, if you compare me to my man-child brother, which my friends often do, I’m a superstar. But honestly, being back in Maryland this past week following the death of my FIL, I know I am so woefully ill-equipped to be a truly helpful and useful family member. Yes, I can get shit done, but the service withOUT a smile piece is severely lacking and practically a dealbreaker. I know, my family is very different from J’s family so maybe there’s no point in comparing: my family interacts with each other minimally and distantly; we don’t have traditions; we don’t share any religions or rituals; we don’t adopt any collective routines or schedules or cycles. What can I say: we are disconnected and fragmented.

Meanwhile, all these years, I kinda judged J’s parents for being such homebodies: they didn’t travel or explore or socialize with others. They just sat around, complained a lot, chatted, and watched tons of tv. In fact, when my FIL was in rehab last week, an activities coordinator came by to take a survey: what do you like to do? She rattled off all sorts of activities: cards, crafts, music, walking, games, etc. It was almost ridiculous that she even bothered doing the survey with my FIL, but in the end, he said plainly and unapologetically: “Family gatherings. That’s what I like.”

And it dawned on me a day later: FAMILY is their hobby, their past time. And as all his kids and grandkids descended during his final days for this last farewell, it became so abundantly clear: When you spend time– repeated, concentrated, deliberate time– with family, you really learn about one another’s personalities, habits, and preferences. Duh, right? Well, I hadn’t put two and two together until now. Seriously.

For example, when S was assembling the funeral program, she and her eldest sister knew exactly which siblings would speak and which would not. They didn’t even need to ask: they knew, they accepted, and it was NBD for her and the eldest daughter and her family to fill that portion of the program. The funeral service itself was beautifully done. The turnout was larger than expected and included a few pleasant surprises– note to self: what a powerful gesture it is to have your childhood friends show up for your father’s funeral. I talked with one of J’s brother’s friends from elementary school. That dude has never moved out of the ZIP CODE. OMFG, can you imagine???

The service was lovely. It included several readings from the Bible as well as eulogies from the two sons-in-laws, his youngest daughter S, and his eldest daughter E. I was so very moved by the poignant stories and memories. This is what unconditional love looks like.

Seeing how loving J and his siblings are to his parents, I realized that I really have very little understanding of love, compassion, and forgiveness. I used to get so pissed off when my mom would confuse me with my brother. When she said things to me that rubbed me the wrong way, I always remembered her words. When she nitpicked or made disapproving comments about my appearance or personality or behavior or choices, I remembered and I held on to those comments, almost as reasons to chastise and vilify her.

My MIL is definitely declining cognitively, but even before her recent decline, she often confused her kids and messed up the details. And like all parents, whether they acknowledge this or not, she certainly has her favorites. The crazy thing is, no one in J’s family seems to mind or feel resentful for those mistakes or preferences!?!? My entire adult life, I have never forgiven my parents for parenting my brother the way they do. I have never forgotten or forgiven my grandmother and mother for favoring my brother over me. Even as they have endured a lifetime of pain from him, I have only told them that they deserve the pain bc of their poor parenting choices. And even now, though I might still feel correct in that perspective (despite not ever being a parent myself!), I question whether that level of blame and resentment is necessary towards anyone you love. Aren’t we all flawed– albeit some more than others?

By contrast, J’s siblings hear snarky and hurtful comments, and they just let them go. The unsavory comments don’t alter how much they love their mother. They don’t alter how much they care for her and strive to do right by her. So many times in this past week, my MIL made comments that I didn’t like, that seemed short-sighted or inappropriate or testy. Her kids were never ever fazed. Not for a single second. They overlooked all of it. They reacted by rephrasing their statements or by simply turning the subject to something else. Not one iota of irritation ever crossed their lips. Sure, behind closed doors amongst themselves, they were sometimes frustrated, but NEVER towards their mother.

And even as I have this new epiphany, I still can’t find it in me to reconcile my relationship with my brother for my parents. I don’t know why. Is it a loyalty thing? I’m dedicated and faithful so long as you’re on my good side, but once you make a decision (even if those choices are your own to make) to which I disagree, I become intolerant and mean. After all, there must be consequences for your actions…

Obviously, Bubbey has been under tremendous stress, and at times over the past few days, he snapped at me or used a disparaging tone. A few times I let it go, but it took EFFORT for me to let it go. And still a few times, I countered and talked back. There is something inside me that is unyielding and confrontational. Is it bc I was bullied as a child, so it’s hard for me to back off as an adult? Recognizing this flaw in myself makes me worry for those I love. Oftentimes, these stressful moments that elicit harsh tones or snippy words aren’t even about me… How will I possibly rise to the challenging times that lie ahead?