After feeling rather motivated yesterday (having decided on my next career step), today I am totally in the dumps. My brain just keeps trying to explain how someone so consistently egregious in so many ways can rise to become President of the United States of America. There is something so viscerally wrong with this picture, and I am in utter despair that the world is broken beyond repair.

A part of me is looking for someone to blame. I am angry. And when I’m pissed off and upset, I revert to my family’s way of fighting… But in the end, I know that identifying a scapegoat doesn’t solve anything. The damage is done, and put simply, decency is dead. At this point, I am questioning humanity: I am feeling suspicious, defiant, and extremely judgmental. So many people made bad decisions yesterday. Ultimately, you just can’t reason with crazy.

Even so, the diplomatic dance began already, with calls for unity, openmindedness, and collaboration. Well, like the Dixie Chics once said, I’m not ready to make nice. At all.

How did she possibly make that concession speech? For one thing, how did she not crumble and lose her shit in despair and defeat and disappointment? Her strength and resilience and poise is beyond what I can truly comprehend…

Sure, like Obama says, the sun will still rise tomorrow, and we’re all on the same side: Team American. Um, yeah no. And yet, in spite of my defiance and refusal to accept and move forward, there are no other options. Are we to hope that Trump reins in his unpresidential behavior and evolves quickly into someone respectable? Um, don’t people say past performance is a strong indicator of future performance? I’m not stupid. His pattern has been consistent and what, all of the sudden, him moving into the White House is going to turn him into an educated, even-tempered, inclusive non-asshole? Yeah right. People say that at Thanksgiving, we’ll all still gather around the feast with our loved ones who voted for Trump. Um, again. Not ready. I agree: in general, politics shouldn’t ruin your relationships, but shit, in the case of Trump… I simply cannot reconcile this. at. all.

The impact is tremendous. Can we expect the Republican Congress and Republican judicial system to keep his executive branch in check? I am skeptical.

I get that the political landscape has and will continue to ebb and flow through cycles. But shit, this decision feels different. This decision feels like a real death blow. A total Game Over. I don’t know that the pendulum will ever come back or recalibrate to center. We’re in a new world order: decency is dead, and it ain’t ever coming back.