I’m starting to get really run down over here. I have developed two ulcers/sores in my mouth, I’m still sick (sore throat and fatigue), and my skin is looking extra shitty. I have not slept well in days. Earlier today before the family lunch, J and I went over to my youngest aunt’s house and she started peppering me with questions: why are you tired and why are you not sleeping, what do YOU have to worry about, etc. I suppose in most people’s eyes, bc we don’t have kids and bc neither one of us is currently working, how could anything possibly be bothering us? They just don’t get it.

But whatever. After spending a few days with my family, John sees the level of intensity. In fact, he’s now sick also. He probably termed it best the other day: my family is totally dysfunctional, and the most surprising realization is: despite how much my parents have done for me and for their families, they fight in a very immature and emotionally abusive manner, using tactics centered on blame, judgement, and constant comparison (of kids, pedigree, wealth, success, diligence, whatever.)

After witnessing all this, J says a lot of my quirks now make more sense. A lot of this is learned behavior, particularly the blaming, the keeping a mental tally, the dredging up of shit from forever ago, the constant criticism/nagging, the “principled” attitude where there’s a “right” and “wrong” way of doing things, the “if I want it done right, only I can do it” lack of delegation, the martyrdom, the extreme frugality (jumping through hoops to save $5)…

Watching the way my parents fight (which is at minimal daily), he remembers how I used to fight early on… arguments were always about me being right and about me proving who (else) was to blame. They were never about working through misunderstandings and moving forward. I don’t fight like that anymore (thank goodness for therapy!), but shit, when I’m super stressed and rundown (like when I’m with my parents), I instinctively resort to those old methods. And that was def apparent in my huge blowup with mom last night. I feel compelled to get the last word.

The family lunch today went fine. J and I ended up taking the metro and a cab to get to my aunt’s house. Her daughter then drove us to the restaurant. My brother came down via train and then my parents, my grandparents, and he drove to the restaurant. Due to lack of seating, the caretaker stayed home. And that was probably best: I’m sure she enjoyed the peace and quiet, esp after having heard two massive blowups in less than 24 hrs. More on the second explosion later…

At the restaurant, Johnny sat next to John and they chatted things up. I talked to him for a bit, meaning I was civil and such, but I will never truly engage with him in an authentic way again. In that sense, the relationship is just eternally broken, and the same can be said for my relationship with my mother.

Obviously, I should not have lost my temper with her yesterday. And though everything I said was truthful and accurate (see how I still like to be right?), I probably should have just bitten my tongue. I mean, even Americans don’t adopt the radical honesty philosophy that I do: in most situations, society and civility simply demand self-censorship. So as much as I stand by my sentiments, the way I express them can be very hurtful. Moving forward, the best I can do is disengage. J reminds me that whatever happens with my brother and my parents and all this jumbled mess, it doesn’t really affect our daily lives in California, so just focus on getting home.

I agree, but it’s still hard for me to be so aloof. I want good things for my parents; I want them to live healthy, happy, vibrant lives. Ultimately though, their happiness is not up to me. During our fight yesterday, my mother said my refusal to reconcile with Johnny denied her happiness. See, this is the bullshit mind games they like to play. Maybe I should just give up thinking they will ever attain happiness. Without therapy or any real change, they will just continue picking scabs, obsessing over what’s wrong rather than what’s right in their lives. They will always choose misery and the scapegoating that accompanies that.

Needless to say, this morning (before the family lunch) J and I awoke up to my parents fighting. Again, my mother was blaming my father for all kinds of shit from our childhood… dad argues no one can do a better job as a provider than he, blah, blah. To be honest, mom’s a shitty debater. I mean, she has no logic. But dayum, she just needles and needles and needles, and then my dad totally blew up. Super loud and pissed. I haven’t heard him that angry in decades. I finally had to interject and tell him to step away. And then I told my mom: you are sacrificing all other relationships for this one relationship with my brother. If Johnny’s indeed such a great person like you say he is, how come he never answers your calls. How come he never calls you back? How come he never checks in to see how you are doing? What exactly does he do that is so damn thoughtful and caring and good? No one is telling you not to have a relationship with him, but we are free to decide our own relationships with him. Don’t blame others to justify his flaws and shortcomings: blame yourself for insisting on ignoring them and blame Johnny for his own behaviors. Every year I come back to Taiwan and put up with your bullshit and arguing. I’m not doing it anymore. I said it calmly and then I walked out of her room.

Later, J and I were eating breakfast and dad came out. You need to watch what you say to your mother. I dunno if he was referring to what I said this morning or what transpired last night. I agreed, but shit, she pushes and pushes. Then she jumped in all incredulous, “How do I push you??” You do. How? How do I push you? I just kept quiet but inside, OMFG!!!!!! Are you for. real??? It took all the energy to just leave it alone. After that, J and I left.

“Bye! Have a good time!” they said.

Yeah, right guys. What the fuck ever. I’m having a STELLAR time.