Is it just me, or do other people fantasize about going “Office Space” at their workplace? I swear to god, that is my biggest life fantasy: just going into the office one day, flipping the desk over, and saying, “I’m out.” I’m telling you, this defiance inside me runs so damn deep! It’s always interesting, bc while I was always very law-abiding and rule-following as a kid in school or as an adult in the workplace, at home, I was consistently an unruly fucking mess. I was always talking back and cussing at my parents and grandparents. Dad would punish me by whipping me with a leather belt, and I still refused to shut the fuck up. I suppose few things have changed as an adult. At home, I call J out on his shit in ways that fall more on the radical honesty/blunt side rather than the high EQ side. I dunno: I guess I have issues with authority? Or I just don’t like being told what to do.

Needless to say, this past week was super rough at work. Not only was my bud K out of the office attending a conference (er, frolicking in the plantations of New Orleans with her beau), but it just seemed like more of the same. Daily drama and crisis management for nothing that is truly of importance. The AVP was in for a few days, out the rest. No one knows her schedule. Meanwhile, the anxiety and neurosis of my boss just keeps building. I’m so over this bullshit. At work, I was starting to get that bubbling rage feeling again, where every little thing just ticks me off. Bubbey had to have multiple talks with me throughout the week about losing sight of my self-care and allowing myself to fall into this awful zone. I know better. I have been through this drill before, and yet, mentally I just keep running around in circles. I remember once when my friend M shared a story: she hated her job and every day, the anxiety and unhappiness just kept getting worse and worse. Finally, one day her father told her not to worry so much. He would help her if things got bad. And just like that, knowing she had an out gave her comfort.

I know I have an out. Our house in Reston in under contract, and so far, it’s on track to close on November 5. But again, I’ve always struggled with my privilege. And to think that my parents will stress and judge and I dunno: it’s just a ton of baggage. That’s the confusing thing about me. I have a track record of doing what I want, of not aligning exactly with my parents, and yet their disappointment still gets to me. In some fucked up way, their approval matters. Ugh. Almost 40 and still dealing with this kind of bullshit. Frustrates the life out of me. I want to be courageous, and yet I never feel I’m quite ready.

I was on the phone with my father today. The misery continues, and my mother is also struggling with the daily care of my grandparents in Taiwan. I don’t know why they don’t hire help. It’s as if they insist on the struggle even if they have the resources to ease the burden. Sound familiar? God, I CANNOT turn into my parents. If there is a single fucking life lesson that I learn, it has to be leaving behind the Chinese cultural obsession with hardship and struggle.  Last week after seeing me in my state, J talked to me about leaving. I felt some relief possibly similar to my friend when her father showed her an out. And then, I imagined going to Taiwan in November and again being subjected to all the usual crap: my unnaturalness for not bearing children, my unreasonable intolerance for authority both at home and at work, my defiance and direct role in making my parents unhappy, blah, blah, blah.

Interestingly, I  had a conversation with my boss this past week. She’s an immigrant, and she made some comment like, if parents say something you disagree with, just ignore what they say. My father has said this multiple times: just listen and then do what you want. If ONLY if were that easy. Instead, why don’t you (the parent) just not voice your concern and stop judging the decisions of your adult child? I’ve never really considered myself to be prone to guilt, but I’m realizing that I am prone to accountability and responsibility and so indirectly, that makes me susceptible to guilt with my family.

Well I suppose the good news is that, I came down from the ledge. Every now and then, flexing whatever minimal bit of tolerance/patience I have is probably a good exercise. Tomorrow, another week begins. J has advised that I not take my work so seriously. I know I hate it; I don’t want to continue in this vein of social media, so step back. Again, not easy bc I’m a fucking obsessive maniac. But I’ll try again tomorrow. And then in the evening, I’m hopping on the red-eye to NYC. Honestly, I’m not that stoked about the conference (bad attitude and all), but I am excited to be out of the office. I reached out to a childhood friend who I thought was living in NYC, but no reply. She’s always been super flaky. Too bad. Then again, J reminded me that you just never know what challenges other people are facing. Sometimes, there’s a lot of shame. Uh, tell me about it! Oh well, it’ll be great to reconnect with my college bud J up in Boston after the conference and through the weekend. Incidentally, my father warned me tonight not leave the hotel room after dark. He’s been watching Law and Order. Jesus Christ. I’m hoping to catch a theater show one of the evenings though. I haven’t been to the theater in so fucking long, and I think it’ll be good for me.