Fuck man, I am on a short fuse again these days. Every week, I’m being asked to prepare status updates plus participate in department brainstorming sessions. It’s not that I’m opposed to trying new things; rather, I’m opposed to adopting new procedures that aren’t clearly explained. Seriously, we’ve had maybe 5 of these brainstorming dumps, and every single time, the same issues come up: once we come up with the ideas, where are they expected to go and who is responsible for crafting the info into stories. Every week people express confusion, and yet another week passes with no further explanation.

As for my status updates, if it were just a list of things I accomplished or projects I’m working on, no big deal. But we’re specifically asked what items weren’t done, for whom, and why. What things do you need help with? What barriers are holding you back? Ok, if you’re going to ask me and I’m going to give you feedback, please be prepared to DO SOMETHING with the feedback; otherwise, don’t bother me with these additional tasks that offer zero follow through.

Today, my team had a meeting. Even before all the recent office drama, the women on my team have very strong attitudes. Typically, I consider that a good thing, but ugh. Something about the way these ladies communicate: it really rubs me the wrong way. Meanwhile, the boss keeps acting like what minimal info she shares with us is super confidential. Puhlease. Stop telling me to keep everything secret. You aren’t sharing info of value anyway. Seriously, come back when you actually have substantive details rather than bullshit fluff.

Some days, I really struggle with this place and the people. On the surface, strong women. Check. Supportive boss. Check. But fuck man, you scratch just a mil below and shit, I do not like what I see. Of course, this whole time Bubbey has been warning me about my track record– my history of abruptly losing respect or interest or motivation at a job after “leadership” disappoints me. Yes, what can I say, I thrive on the human connection: it inspires and motivates me. I understand that people are flawed and imperfect, but I suppose at the core, I need to feel like the people are good in their hearts and they have character and integrity. I think the people have major chips on their shoulders, and then on top of that, they have insecurities that make them super obsessed about getting credit and recognition for their “expertise.” It really is such a bunch of self-aggrandizing crap.

Another one of my frustrations is that my boss regularly triggers an automatic, defiant response bc she behaves in a manner that reminds me a lot of my parents, with their paranoid “everyone is out to get you” mentality. The stance of being territorial and competitive and not collaborative is super negative and exhausting. Obviously, I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine myself. I know I have my own bad attitude, but shit, I’m selective where I apply it. Across campus,  I’m still open to working together, and honestly, even though I define myself very strongly by my work, I don’t feel super compelled to receive recognition or credit or hype bc frankly, there is no concrete reward. So person A thinking I’m a rockstar doesn’t really do much for me right now bc 1) I really don’t care about my current work, meaning it’s not something that gives me pride 2) Show me the money. Seriously. Talk is cheap. Do better.

Interestingly, when the new AVP holds department meetings, she’s all about going around the room afterwards, asking people to share their feelings. While I was initially impressed with this approach, I quickly realized that it’s just lip service. Opening up and sharing your qualms only reveals a vulnerability. There is no action taken to mitigate your concerns. In fact, when my boss called a team meeting this morning, she did the same thing, soliciting our thoughts. I expressed again my frustration with being told to do this and that on some kind of urgent timeline and then receiving zero feedback. Granted, it’s not as if my boss has any more insight into what the fuck is going on, but basically, she told me, “Learn to be comfortable with uncertainty.” Are you joking me? What kind of leniency or patience would the organization ever afford its staff? Fuck. Off. I already do a lot with my self-desensitization programs. This is not a goddamn personal or professional development exercise for me. Either take your big shit or get off the pot, as my friend T likes to say. I mean, my boss asked us to give it six months so we could determine our paths on our own timeline. Well, my timeline is way more accelerated than six months. I have seen a lot in 2015, and I want to have better reasons for how/where I’m spending my time.

Speaking of which, I recently booked my tickets for Taiwan in November. Few people understand this, but going to Taiwan is not a vacation by any stretch of the imagination. And now bc of the whole housing debacle with my maternal grandparents, my mom and her parents are in Taiwan while my father is back in Maryland. Dad insists he’s fine and independent and self-sufficient (sound familiar?) but fuck man, he doesn’t have a NuWave or pressure cooker! I was hemming and hawing about Taiwan, and then thinking about the age of my grandparents, I decided I had to go sooner than later. Of course I called my mother over the weekend, and we talked about my grandparents’ townhouse in MD that is still on hold bc grandpa and grandma can’t agree on next steps. My mother frustrates me to no end, bc she’s just not rational. She seriously knows NOTHING about real estate, and yet she spews all this nonsensical garbage as if she knows more than the realtor or myself– and I’ve actually been handling our townhouse rental (and now it’s pending sale). Ugh. I just get into a rage trying to communicate with someone who is so utterly clueless! I felt myself getting really pissy on the phone, and as soon as I got off the phone, I was kicking myself for scheduling 7 days overseas. Way too damn long to be in the presence of idiocy. I know it’s not nice or classy or whatever to talk shit about your mother. What can I say: radical honesty is a beotch and a half. Plus, I’m not going to feign a good relationship where there is none. Fuck that shit. This ain’t the Brady Bunch.