Shiit, no sooner after I completed my last post did I face yet another unexpected turnaround. Remy had a second episode tonight at 9:30pm. I happened to be on the phone with Bubbey: she came into the office and abruptly left. The behavior was a bit odd, so I followed her down the hallway and into the bedroom. She settled awkwardly and uncomfortably into her usual spot on my plush, pink bathrobe, and then seconds later, she was on her side wailing again. I immediately got off the phone and started videoing the occurrence. After seeing this happen like ten times, I finally have the smarts to capture as much as I can on video for the vet.

Remy’s never had this happen in such close intervals. Wth?? John called back, and I just started crying. Goddammit, why is this happening? I thought I was ok with the generic explanation that this is just what happens with old age, but that’s not enough! What has changed in her day-to-day? Why now, after a month and a half-long respite? Ugh!!!

I can’t sleep now. Tonight, I lie awake wondering whether I still believe that quote, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Really?? Is it better? If this pain now is any indication of the pain that will ultimately come, I… I don’t know what I’ll do. I used to think that as people and animals age, it’ll be easier to let them go, because they’ll have lived a full life. But tonight, I’m wondering if it’ll actually be harder because after all the years, the bond is fucking strong. Even focusing on the good life and the treasured history, the loss will hurt a ton.

No, I’m not going down that path of catastrophic thinking right now… I know Remy is still kicking, and I am grateful for yet another day. But I won’t deny the little bit of foreshadowing here. Hours ago, I felt strong and ready. Now, a bit less so. Yes, tomorrow is a new opportunity to tweak some things. I hope Remy will feel better.