So after I wallowed in self pity earlier this week, crying about how certain friends were lame and didn’t care, I had a conversation with Bubs last night. I had drafted a note in response to my friend’s text, and basically, I tried to explain how hurt I was by his lack of follow-through and investment in our friendship. For some reason, I felt this obligation to be honest, to say something, rather than to just drop him suddenly. Initially, it seemed more adult and mature to share what I was feeling. And yet, when I discussed this with John, he said there was really no point in verbalizing my hurt and disappointment. What kind of reaction did I expect from this person after saying these things? He would only feel guilt, anger, annoyance… he would likely think, “I have a lot going on, so I’m sorry if you’ve felt neglected. Fuck you, then!”

Wow, really? John proceeded to say that people don’t have bad intention… they just get caught up with other parts of their lives. Why do I feel the need to apply such a scorched earth policy? Yeah, Bubs tells it to me straight. Maybe it is more for me… for my own closure, but he suggested that this could be an area for personal development, where I step away from such a binary view of friendship. Maybe re-classify relationships as dormant or active: people fall in and out of the active phase, but who knows, maybe later down the road we will reconnect and I might even call on them for something specific. Is it really necessary to burn all the bridges?

Then I REALLY had a meltdown. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me? I don’t know why I do this. I feel so compelled to speak what’s in my heart, and the consequence is that I’m unkind and just plain stupid. Later that night, I thought about the other times in my life when voicing/complaining about lack of attention yielded really harsh, negative reactions. Years ago, when John and I first started dating, I was so obsessed with our relationship. It was all about John all the time. My good friend N called to complain that I had dropped all my friends, and that I had changed. I grew so angry and irritated with her. Who are you to demand my attention? I’m not married to you. I’ll give you whatever attention I want when I want. There was something about her clamoring that really rubbed me the wrong way, and I refused to apologize for anything. I didn’t even agree with her accusations. The conversation went bad really fast. I was ready to just drop her ass. Years later, I guess she experienced something similar from a few of her friends, and so she called to say that she understood my reaction… But the point is, neither party was really right or wrong, it was a mismatch of timing– of where we were in our lives, of where we derived joy and energy, and things had shifted from the earlier status quo. I realize now that she wasn’t trying to accuse me of anything. She was simply trying to say that she felt hurt.

A few years ago, when John and I were in couples counseling, I remember that my biggest issue was that he was working too hard– at the sacrifice of our relationship. I didn’t feel he was engaged and paying enough attention. When I tried to verbalize this to him, he reacted exactly as I had done with N and as he suspects my friend would react were I to send my note: defensive, angry, dismissive. He disagreed with my accusations and insisted that he was doing his best. I remembered crying and feeling like he was asking me to back up my statements, to provide proof. It turned into a debate, and finally, the therapist jumped in and said: “She is telling you that she feels hurt. She doesn’t feel valued or treasured. Whether the ‘facts’ uphold the claim or not, this is how she is feeling. She’s telling you that she feels sad and unloved. Those feelings are valid no matter what you or she thinks is the truth.” And there it was: we (both engineers) had gotten so damn hung up on the “facts” and the truth. The therapist finally said, there isn’t just one truth or one reality. Both people for any given situation may have completely different reads on the circumstance, and yet both interpretations are TRUE. Whoa, what???? I was feeling undervalued. He was feeling exhausted and unacknowledged and criticized. We both loved each other very much, but somehow we’d divided ourselves onto opposing camps and more importantly, we had started to question and doubt each others’ intentions. In other words, amidst this heated debate, we’d really started to imagine malice and ill-intention in the other person.

And so last night, I argued that my intention for the letter was to share how I was feeling. But John said there was really minimal chance that the reaction and outcome would be positive. And thinking about these past scenarios, I can see what he’s saying. I remember that the therapist did say it was important for me to have some way to express my needs in our marriage before things got to a breaking point… a lot of that work involves saying, “I feel” rather than “I think.” And bringing my concerns up lightly without anger and criticism, to include suggestion in what I’d like to see… And then she suggested catching things early before they built up… I know, all these parameters come into play. Sounds frickin’ impossible to navigate, right??? I mean honestly, I still don’t have a clear sense for how to do this, and perhaps this level of frankness is still only reserved for marriage…

So I dunno. That’s that. I suppose the approach with friends is to build my tolerance and patience for those who are less responsive than I’d like, and to NOT question intention. Perhaps even make up a story that yeah, there’s just lots of unimaginable, crazy life things happening. And then to be grateful for what people can give and trust that they are giving as much as they can. Yeah, part of the ESTJ in me thinks I’m just making excuses for them. Just sayin’. But like John said, consider this an exercise in personal growth: don’t hate, be open, be gracious. Shit man, this “different realities” concept blows my mind. every. damn. time.