Sometimes, I REALLY want to take the “radical honesty” approach.

I’ve always considered myself to be a good friend. I take a lot of initiative; I invest a lot of time. I think a lot about people I love, and how I can help them. I don’t always have answers, but I nearly always try really hard to find them. When I have parties, a lot of people I invite come, and my friend T says it’s a testament to people really valuing my friendship.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling pretty alone. Maybe all of this is exacerbated by Remy’s passing, but I dunno: she passed away, and while most people responded immediately, some people are still out of the loop completely. And so I feel frustrated and disappointed. I haven’t had the energy to tell everyone and anyone, and yet it’s just another example where if I don’t do the initiating, no one else does. No one fucking cares.

Sure, there are different levels of friendship, but god, what I hate most are people who say they want to spend time, they want to grab lunch, they want to stay in touch, blah, blah, blah. And then, unless I coordinate, nothing ever happens. Fucking follow through with what you say!! There were friends too who were mostly email buddies/penpals due to distance. If I didn’t keep up with regular emails, months would go by in silence. I heard from one of those friends today… seriously, nearly two months later. “Hope you’re well.” Really? Do you even give a fuck? I’m not well. at all. I lost one of my oldest and best friends this month, and did you even give a shit to check in, and see what was new? I know all of this sounds so petty and immature, but shit. Friendship is a two-way street. It’s not about me doing 80%, and you just showing up for the good laughs.

Yeah I know, life gets in the way and in their defense, how the hell are people supposed to know we put Remy down? True but for one thing, if they’d been listening, they’d know that Remy’s health has been up and down for the last year and some. They’d know that Remy was getting up there in age. They’d know that for the longest time, I’ve had a fear and dread of losing her. Am I being too harsh? I dunno, but I’m so upset by this that I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

How much energy have I expended on people, hoping good things for them, wishing them happiness in life, trying to brainstorm ways for them to feel better about their circumstances? And how many have done the same for me. People from college. People from my last job. People who know I left my job last August. Do they give one iota about how hard I’ve worked on this whole journey of self discovery? Not even a line asking how I’m doing, what I’m learning… Sure, life happened for these people: they got married; got preggers; they had kids; they maybe had a death in the family… I know life is complicated, but I made space for these people in my heart and in my mind. And now I realize that it’s wasted space. Why have I bothered to care about these people?

And yet I hate people who aren’t gracious. And my reaction right now kinda falls into that category. But I’m still upset! Is the answer to 1) voice my displeasure 2) not respond 3) cool off and then continue with the 80/20 MO? I don’t want to behave by ignoring them and being half-ass in my communications, and yet the other options involve more investment and energy. I dunno. I feel tired now. T is coming over for dinner, and she herself had some pretty disappointing job news recently. I’m going to go to the store now to pick up some ingredients for two new dishes for dinner.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. And a part of me is embarrassed and ashamed that I am feeling all this negativity. But I’m angry, hurt, and disappointed. It reminds me of people who suddenly get rich, they say you really know who your friends are. I’m not asking people to wallow with me in misery. I’m just asking that for once, they initiate a timely, sincere, and genuine check in.