There is something about being home in Frederick that makes me sad. I think, partly it’s nostalgia, a yearning for the promise and potential I felt in my youth. Also, it’s tough seeing people get older: my parents, my grandparents, his parents… even our nieces and nephews are no longer children. It’s the natural progression of life, and yet, I struggle with it. I am now closer to 40 than 30, and I still don’t quite feel mature enough for the responsibilities and realities of adulthood. Am I in denial?

And then, there is just something about Frederick: the roads are different, there are new housing developments, new schools, new shopping centers… I just feel so out of place. And the race thing really makes me awkward. I mean, in Santa Clara County, Asians comprise 33% of the population. In Frederick, Asians are 4%. My parents say they don’t have to live in a place with a sizable Asian population (we’re talking a few years down the road), and yet nearly all the media they consume is Chinese: news, tv programs, newspapers, groceries, restaurants… When we go out and about in Frederick, I feel super uneasy and hypersensitive about how people interact with my parents.  I have an anxiety that people aren’t treating them fairly. I dunno. I guess I feel overprotective.

And then beyond all of that, the area just feels stagnant to me. I can’t put my finger on it, but people just don’t seem as worldly, well-traveled, or curious. Is that fair to say? I don’t know. I mean, seems like the proximity to Washington should make the population more culturally literate and educated and international… maybe I’m just projecting my own bias on all of this. I was really bullied and harassed in school, so I’ll probably always see this place through a negative lens.

So the past two days, I’ve been cleaning out my old bedroom. I do this every time I come to town. Last time, I emptied out all my college notes and books. This time, I cleaned out all my high school shit. I really studied a lot as a kid. I mean, I found my fucking SAT vocab flashcards… handmade. And then all of THAT bummed me out, because again, I had such high hopes for my life. I was supposed to do well. I was supposed to excel. I know, it’s this self-destructive vicious cycle I sometimes get myself into– that whole unfulfilled potential dilemma once again. It’s a demon that follows me everywhere. Sometimes I find myself free from it, but inevitably, he comes back to remind me of all the things I am not. And so, what can be done?

I only know to focus on the baby steps. I’m trying to better myself. I finished my Coursera marketing class two nights ago. Scored a 90% on the final and am trying not be obsess over my disappointment with the A-. I have been hustling for work the last several days. I know it’s right before the holidays when people slow up, but the contracts aren’t signed, so I’m feeling nervous/paranoid. I listen to amazing ukulele music online, and while I get a lot of enjoyment from listening, I also feel lame afterwards. Why can’t I get the damn strumming pattern? Why can’t I do anything right that I want to do? Argh, stop it!!!

Then I try to focus on things I am grateful for: my family, Bubbey, my puppies, my friends, my education, my security, my childfree lifestyle. Sometimes, I don’t feel worthy. Why? Why do I have so many good things? I should be better to deserve these things. I don’t know: my mind is just in a funk today.

Tomorrow, I’m spending another day with my parents. I plan to take them to an Asian market that just opened up in Frederick. Then maybe we’ll check out some exercise equipment, because my parents are such homebodies and they really need to get moving. And then maybe we’ll play majhong for a bit. Christmas day we’ll head over to John’s sis’ house, and then Thursday I’ll reunite with my puppies. I need to return to home base, so I can get back into the groove: hot tub, meditation, exercise, puppies.