Those of you who know me, know that my brother and I are estranged. We have pretty much been out of touch since 2003, when he lived with John and me: we were slated to move to Shanghai in December. In his typical clueless way, he went on vacation in Taiwan in September and never came back. Didn’t bother to move any of his shit out of our house. Just one of many of his inconsiderate, selfish actions.

I do see him when I travel to Taiwan to visit other family, but for the most part, we don’t really keep in touch. My family there often tries to convince me that he has matured and “changed,” but even from my sparse interactions with J,  I don’t really see much growth. He’s still pretty superficial, still into living the high life off of money that he doesn’t earn himself, and he’s still pretty self-centered. People always have to do things for him. He epitomizes the Little Emperor syndrome so prevalent in Chinese culture. And my relatives there feed into it. So it’s a vicious cycle of the world revolving around my almost 40-year old brother.

Over the last few years, he’s become involved in a Buddhist group. Well, let’s be honest: I call it a cult. Why? Because the last time I was there, I accompanied him to an evening meditation and lecture, and in the end, I was basically put into a room with 3 other believers (brother included) who bullied me for about 45 minutes, trying to get me to become a member, i.e. pay an annual membership due. Mind you, I live in the US. Why the fuck would I join a group that meets overseas?? Stupid. So yeah, in my bullying session, one lady (“elder sister”) told me some story about how she was harassed by ghosts her whole life. She apparently also witnessed levitation and shit. But after joining the group and learning under the “grand master,” she was cured and the ghosts never haunted her again. Ok, whatever. I’m not accusing her of lying. If she insists that she levitated and her sister bore witness, fine. And if the master helped her live an incredible, fulfilling life, great. Good for her. But you know what? I don’t have issues with ghosts. In fact, my brother is the biggest “issue” our family has to deal with. And even as he’s come under the tutelage of the esteemed master, he still behaves like a spoiled ass, so you know what? I’m not a believer here in the master’s teachings!! The proof is in the pudding, they say. And maybe joining the group will expose me to new practices to improve my life: meditation, anger management, love, and respect, blah, blah. Frankly, I am doing those things on my own and I don’t see why, in this case, I should pay money for other people to teach me coping mechanisms to deal with my brother. In other words, he is the source of my family’s problems. Rather than “fix” him, the master is trying to get us to pay money so we can change and learn mental skills to free ourselves from the burden that is my brother. Hmm, seems rather circuitous. It’s far easier to just be estranged.

You see, I used to have temper tantrums and fits of rage. A lot. J and I both went to Duke, and for two of my undergrad years, we overlapped. Every fucking week, my parents were calling me to check up on my brother. It was literally like having a child while I myself was a child (in college). And my mother wonders why I don’t want kids. Um, I was a parent once already, and it was hell. He was great to people face-to-face, but once the physical immediacy was gone, he was totally unresponsive, inconsiderate, and aloof. People would call, write, email. No reply. He could not be bothered. He was just one of those “out of sight, out of mind” people. You know them. They are everywhere. My parents were always making excuses for him. When his roommate complained to me that my brother never once took out the trash or washed the dishes, I had to apologize for him. After I cut him out of my life in 2003, I stopped having rage issues. You see, “Some bridges are meant to be burned, because that’s the only way to keep the bad guys from following you.”

Anyhow, I bring all this family drama up, because a few months ago, my brother contacted me via Facebook and pleaded that John and I return to Taiwan immediately to meet with him and the master. In response, I drafted a super intense, angry reply. I was so mad, I was shaking. The nerve!! I mean, yeah I’ve been struggling with figuring out my calling in life (professionally), but fuck you! Do NOT tell me what I need in my life. I’m a good person. I love my parents. I love my friends. I care about other people. Who the fuck are you to tell me that the master is going to help me be a better person and live a better life? You know what would improve my life greatly? If my brother would fucking leave everyone the hell alone. He doesn’t give two shits about my parents, who have done so much for him. He just uses them and manipulates them. Fuck off. Needless to say, my reply was a mouthful. Before I was about to press send, I read it aloud to John. No more than two sentences in, and I was strongly advised not to send it. When I feel strongly about something, I do NOT hold back. But, this time, I decided to try a different approach. I so wanted to send that email. But I didn’t: it’s still sitting in my drafts folder.

So a few months have passed, and what do you know: He emailed me again via Facebook. He heard that I’d left my job, so now is the perfect time to go and meet the master. I can live with him, teach English, take John, take the dogs… he says he needs my fortitude to help him get to the next level. Fuck. Off. That’s what I hate about religion gone wrong. It makes the believers think that religion is a prerequisite to being a good person. I don’t need validation. I have a very clear sense of what is right and wrong, what it means to be a good person. If religion offers comfort or guidance to others, great. But I show my love through actions, and the recipients of my love– not the master– will determine my intention and authenticity. No, that judgement is not up to some power-tripping dude who self-proclaims his connection to the divine. That power doesn’t belong to some person who doesn’t even know me. My brother says that “elder sister” still asks about me. As if her feigned concern means anything. I still remember asking her: “Why is it so important to you that I join?” Her response? “Because you are a fellow human being. I love you like I love all humans…” Blah, blah, blah. Um, maybe if you really loved me, you would respect my decisions and choices, and leave me the hell alone.

The thing is, I’m pretty darn gullible, but shit, that was about as unauthentic as you could get. Same shit with my brother. If you really gave a crap about your family, maybe you would just focus on being considerate rather than on recruiting everyone for your latest scam. Maybe you would show some respect and understand that no means no. Maybe you would stop trying to guilt trip people into doing something they don’t want to do in order to demonstrate their love and support. Ugh. I am so pissed. Mary Maddux and Meditation Oasis again tonight!! Shiit.