I’ve been losing a lot of things lately. I mean, sure, since we moved into this house five years ago, I’ve never been able to find my Skagen watch or my tanzanite/white gold 5-year anniversary ring. Yeah, those items are pretty much a lost cause. More recently however, I also “lost” my small fringe American Eagle purse. A few days after Mo died, we were at the neighborhood bar gathering with his friends after spending the day at the mosque and then the burial site. We were at the bar for probably four hours. I didn’t have that much to drink, but the day was extremely emotional and draining. After seeing a bunch of people just emotional and really drunk, I was eager to leave. The next day, as I got ready for work, I could not find my purse. Argh!! I got so frustrated with myself. WTF? Who forgets things and leaves shit hanging around. And then worse, I had to bother J and his sisters with searching for it at the bar and asking around the next day.

To be honest, I have been feeling rather out of sorts lately– just not quite myself. The good news is that a few days later, after I had cancelled the credit cards (Thankfully, I had my ID and other major cards in a different bag), I was at home in my office, where the sofa had been pulled out for his sisters. I tossed open the comforter to fold it, and out popped my purse!! Then I remembered: I had crashed in that room and left my shit there. Thank goodness, bc even though I wasn’t really missing the contents or the cheap-ass purse, I did NOT want to think Mo’s friends or acquaintances walked off with someone else’s crap.

All of this has triggered a new fear for me though: I worry that my mind is starting to go. And I feel like my mother lost a lot of her mental sharpness early too. I don’t know: things are just starting to slide. I don’t feel as witty or as quick/responsive as I used to be. I can’t seem to focus or digest auditory information like I used to. I don’t know. There’s a palpable shift. I know I’m getting older, but really??? Is this happening now? Like a paranoid ass, I started doing Lumosity again. That game annoys the crap out of me, bc I was scoring such goddamn low numbers. But I’m hoping the stats will get better with practice. I don’t know, man. Life is beating me down! Wth happened to resiliency? Ugh.

And more importantly, what happened to Benjamin Button? That zest is gone. I find myself wondering who I am and what I can now offer. Is this what people call the existential crisis? Some days, these thoughts overtake me. Not only from the professional standpoint with doubts about my skills and “presence” but shit. I used to be more confident. Now I wonder how I’ll keep from becoming obsolete in this fast-moving world. Being an outcast or misfit didn’t bother me before when I was in the prime of my 30s. Now somehow I am struggling with where my puzzle piece fits. It’s a strange about-face.

A friend from high school (we’re friends on FB) recently put down her 16 y/o dog. We hadn’t really been in touch since the 1990s, but I emailed her bc Thunder’s death reminded me of Remy. Anyway, my friend replied, and she made a comment that, for those of us who don’t have kids, the loss is maybe even more compounded. And it got me thinking about how, when you don’t have kids, society has all these different standards for you. Like a coworker recently said to me, “Oh you don’t have kids, so you can stay late at the office.” Other people (usually people with kids) sometimes make comments that suggest losing a dog is way less sad than losing a kid. Um, sure it’s different, but in some cases, my dog might even be OLDER than the child. Regardless, is grief measured by blood, by time together, by what? Do we even need to measure it?

The other day, my father was telling me about his friend who wants dad to buy his parcel of agricultural land. My father commented that he doesn’t have any grandchildren so what’s the point of acquiring more land. Again, I say I value radical honesty, and yet, his words irked me. And days after that call, the irritation is still rubbing me. Later, I told him how there was a lot of reshuffling going on at work. He was concerned about the implications on my job stability, so I explained that I wasn’t really worried: I’m a hard worker. Then, he launched into a whole thing about 1) maybe the reshuffling will create opportunities for you to move up (bc whatever I’m doing is never enough) 2) working hard is great but you need to work smart. Is it just me, or is every fricking comment out of his mouth damn preachy?! Ugh. It’s probably just me. After all, I have a very long history of being highly reactive to the parentals. Blame it on my biggest character flaw once again.

In other news, I’m starting four days of vacation tomorrow. I decided to take advantage of my higher ed status to score discounted registration to Dreamforce this week. Unfortunately, I’ll have to suffer through 90 minutes of public transportation each way to/from SF, but I guess it’s ONLY four days. Hopefully, seeing some big Whigs in the philanthropy space will help me break free of my current case of bad attitude. After the conference tomorrow, I’m going to join J and S for dinner. It’s been several days since I saw S. It’ll be good to check in with her again.