I didn’t blog about this, but April 1 marked the one-year anniversary of Remy’s death. For the most part, I handled the occasion fine: I felt a general numbness throughout the day, but I didn’t really talk about it at work. I felt like I had cried enough in the workplace over the last few weeks. John and I had planned to celebrate Remy by making crab cakes for dinner, bc Remy was a seafood fiend. Of course, by the time we both got home that night, we were too damn tired to cook. I don’t even remember what we ended up eating. Later that night we scrolled through some old pics of Rems. It’s crazy, but the resolution of those DSLR pics is amazing. I could practically feel the softness of her dense, velvety fur in those photographs.

The next day, I decided to do a Remy dinner do-over. John mentioned being home by 7p. So I made a salad and the crab cakes. By 7:30, still no word. I saw from iPhone tracking that John was somewhere in Foster City. I figured that he went for drinks and bites with some coworkers, so I texted him, and he replied that he got “caught up at work.” Oh no you didn’t just lie to me!! WTF?????? Yeah, I gave him a mouthful after he got home. Basically, he lied for simplicity’s sake. Lame. I mean, if you’re gonna lie, at least save it for something important or critical, right?

Anyway, the combo of Remy and March Madness and then me being in Berkeley the week before for a conference just got me thinking and analyzing my friendships again. For my conference in Berkeley, my friend J and I had made plans to meet up: he was going to drive down from Richmond. We had last met in person maybe a year ago or something? And then our email communications had pretty much waned to an exchange every few months. So we made plans to meet up, and I even confirmed the day before like, “Are we still on? If you’re too busy, don’t worry about it.” Partly, I didn’t have much confidence in his execution but also, having just returned from MD, I just wasn’t going to get all worked up about it. To my surprise, he confirmed that lunch was still on. Great!

So the next morning, as I drove to the conference venue at like 8a, he texted that he had to bail. Ok, now I was pissed. The thing is, had this been a one time occurrence, fine. Let it slide. But for the last few years, I’ve seriously been the one making all the effort, and now he fucking cancels last minute? Livid. I just didn’t even want to get into it. I texted back a curt “ok.” Fucking flake!! And all this after the shitty month I had been having with work, my interns, my grandfather, my mother, my friends’ medical troubles, etc. Normally, my tolerance for this kind of bullshit is decent, but this just was not the day. Whatever though, I still enjoyed the conference: I had a nice on-site lunch chatting with strangers and basking in the sunshine. What do you know, ten minutes before afternoon sessions were to resume, J called. Sorry, something came up, blah, blah, blah. Are you mad? Are you disappointed? Truthfully, I let the first set of rings go to voice mail. He called again, and I was in such a foul mood about it, I shouldn’t have even answered the phone. I didn’t give a shit about the excuses. I’m sure they were legit as hell. We’re all fricking adults here with real responsibilities and all, but I just couldn’t hide my irritation. He tried to make small talk, but I was so frustrated and done with it that I pretty much shut down and just answered his questions like a goddamn robot. And then as the call neared the end, I blurted in autopilot, something like “It’s fine. We’ll just try again next time.” Fuck, why the hell did I say that, bc I sure as hell didn’t mean it!! For someone who doesn’t lie, I dunno what happened. I wasn’t even thinking straight.

Immediately, John’s advice about NOT employing a scorched earth policy came to mind. Dormant vs. active. “Make this an area of personal growth,” he would tell me. Fuck it, man. I honestly do NOT know how to do dormant. With other friends, sure, there have been long periods of silence, but I never truly STOP thinking about those friends.

After I hung up, I was annoyed with myself. Why did I say to try again? I’m done trying! Do I think he flaked to be mean? No. He sounded genuinely sorry, and the call felt like an attempt to reconcile. But it’s just not enough. There have been too many times, and frankly, I’m tired. I’m tired of so often playing the role of the friend who does more, who initiates, who organizes, who spends the time and energy trying to be thoughtful or helpful. I am that person in so many of my relationships. Yes, that “style” is very much who I am, and no one has ever asked me to do those things. I do them willingly, knowing full well that there is no contract of reciprocity. But god fucking dammit. At some point, particularly when I am under stress, I need something back! I am not a needy or demanding friend but sometimes my bucket has to be filled too!

Since the conference, I haven’t initiated any contact. We play each other on Words with Friends, but I play a bunch of people on that. A means to an end. Haha. Surprisingly, this week he emailed about the Duke win and also included a link to the Adam Levine stage storming story. I haven’t replied. It’s very unlike me, and I hate when people get all jaded and spiteful and closed off after they get hurt. I won’t deny that NOT responding feels like some strange form of acting out. But I do think this is an important exercise for me: I need to be better about prioritizing my relationships and really demoting those that don’t fill my bucket.

With March Madness, I thought a lot about my Duke friends. I called J in Boston. I had emailed him a few times in the last two months. No reply. I called and was like, wtf dude? Turns out, my emails delivered to his inbox, he just didn’t read them. Like, they got lost in the shuffle with the other emails. See? This is what I’m talking about. Come on, people! But then we chatted for like 2 hrs, and I was over it. He’s a fellow workaholic, so I cut him some slack. Then I emailed my friend A (aka my pre-Bubbey college crush). He replied immediately, and we’re going to try and meet up the next time he’s in SF for business (this month). We’ll see whether that materializes. Finally, I emailed my college roommie, sending her belated bday wishes. No reply. No response also to my housewarming/Xmas gift.

Thankfully, around this same time, my friend JB emailed me on Easter, my friends J&J texted about grandpa, MK emailed about stuff I revealed in my blog, my Duke nonprofit class bud sent me a text, and my ex-boss R emailed me with some pics of his new kitties. I really appreciated the thoughtful notes. The universe really keeps changing tides. Maybe there’s something about the full moon.

Btw, have you noticed that I am drawn to people whose names start with J! The count is up to 8!