My father recently purchased a new car. Before he took the plunge, he briefly asked for my input, which I thought was surprising. I mean, he’s been a life-long Toyota/Lexus guy, but then again given that his last car (Toyota Altis) was a total lemon, maybe he finally decided to look elsewhere. I went down a short list and said something like, well this one is probably more comfortable and quiet, but this other one is more fun to drive. His reply? “It’s not about fun.”

Welcome to the immigrant struggle bus and the motto of my Family. No wonder J calls us the Monks! God forbid we select something just for the damn fun and indulgence of it. Honestly, these choices are so damn ingrained I didn’t even flinch at his response. And to be honest, I’ve done something similar myself with my car. God forbid, I lease a BMW, bc I love how it drives. There has to be a practical reason, right? The 17 cf of trunk space. Goddamn, the apple does NOT fall far from the tree.

Anyway, we were talking about his new car, and apparently, once my brother got wind of what my father purchased, my aunt (the messenger) got an entire earful about why/how could he purchase that brand. I dunno what the details of his gripe are against the Beamers but yadda, yadda, my brother had an opinion. So then my dad, who is currently estranged from my brother, delves into the whole indirect conversation between him and my brother that’s being done through my aunt!! Not only is it ridiculously gossipy, it’s like, why are you putting her in that uncomfortable middleman position? I mean, granted, the culture there is much more collective, and everyone is nosy and up in your business but geez, for me it’s such a turn off and it’s so inappropriate for fucking adults. Like, if you have something to say, say it directly to the person. Ugh. I started getting agitated and my dad gave his usual BS response: you’re not a parent, so you won’t understand.

I recently saw an Instagram video where a lady my age busted out a bunch of lines her parents used in her childhood with her current 10-year old to see how he would complete the sentence. I found it so telling. Have a look… it just reminded me of just how much parenting has changed. Are the changes usually this dramatic from generation to generation?

Maybe but I was thinking the other day that perhaps one reason I decided NOT to have kids was bc I was so sick of hearing from my parents, “When you become a parent, you will understand…” And I never wanted to understand their perspective bc in so many ways, their technique/approach just NEVER made sense to me.

Anyway, all of this got me wondering: how the fuck did my family get here? To this place where the generational trauma evolved into resentful, rage, anger, violence, and control.

I’ve been reading bits and pieces of this Diddy trial involving Cassie and her abusive relationship with him. It’s terrifying to think that people so intricately put fear and love in the same sentence. And yet, as kids, isn’t that what we did? We were afraid of my father. He had a temper, and he believed in punishment. But somehow fear went hand and hand with love… Should it? Are there circumstances where it’s ok? I definitely don’t subscribe to the current parenting style where your kids are similar to your peers. In my value system, there is definitely a hierarchy between the kids and parents. But I dunno: is there a way to maintain the authority without fear?

And of course, that scenario is different between adults… there was a statement in the trial where Cassie explained that she really loved Diddy. And it just made me so sad to think about so many women out there in these relationships where they are controlled and hurt by the person they love most. I haven’t been feeling very optimistic these days about humans. We really do some of the most hurtful and brutal things. I can’t help but think of the pain that’s between my father and brother. They will take that shit to the grave.