When I was in Taiwan last November, my brother had come down from Taipei to stay with my parents. Actually, he’s been spending more time in the southern part of the island for a while now since he’s no longer employed and bc the weather down south is warmer. The general family “belief” let’s call it, is that it’s good for him to spend more time with my mother.

Mind you, my mother at this point can not stand. She cannot have a conversation. Her Alzheimer’s has absolutely progressed to the point that she requires every bit of care from our full-time, live-in caretaker. So I don’t really see why my brother’s presence is needed or beneficial, but as the saying goes, “I’m not a parent, so I will never understand.”

So basically, my brother forces himself onto the household, and then he behaves like a militant drill sergeant barking orders to my dad and the caretaker with very specific instructions on my mother’s care. In case you’ve been living under a rock, my brother does not believe in Western meds. In fact, he is convinced it’s all a conspiracy theory for the financial benefit of the pharmaceuticals. Ironically, he believes the companies selling deer placenta, Himalayan mud (there’s a special name for it that currently escapes me), and similar random supplements are doing all this out of the pure goodness of their hearts…

From my trip, I knew nothing had changed in all these years. You know, I’ve been mostly estranged from my brother, and my father and I don’t talk much about him. But from my brief stay in November, it was clear Dad and J were continuing to butt heads. And I would hear bits and pieces from my relatives that J did this and J did that and there was an explosive fight here and there. In the 10 days I was on site, there were at LEAST two explosions. In addition, my brother had also lost his shit with the caretaker (who is younger than us) and made her cry. He is a goddamn maniac, and honestly, it’s a blessing that I decided to cut him out of my life decades ago. Bc I am not up for this level of daily drama with a capital D. If my parents are up for it, so be it. I am NOT.

The point is, I witnessed that NOTHING had changed. My relatives were still hanging on to every tiny glimmer thinking my brother would one day wake up, see the error of his ways, and decide to be a “good human.” So a few days ago, while I had out of town visitors, I saw an email from my brother to my dad’s account (which Dad has me screen for legal/financial stuff). It was entitled “Diary.” And it was pages of bullshit… blaming my mother’s condition on my dad, blaming everything on my dad. Saying my brother knows how to cure her, and my father is thwarting him from REVERSING her condition and extending her life. I mean, my parents have led miserable, unhappy lives for as long as I have known them. At minimum, they have been miserable for the last 15 years. Part of it is their own insistence on perfectionism and reputation/prestige and the other is this lifelong disappointment in J, in me, in just life as a whole. Anyway, the irony is that they live like monks (no carbs, no oils, no sugars, no fun) for the purpose of longevity, but what’s the point of living forever when you’re miserable?!?! I don’t get it, but what do I know: I’m just a stupid Americanized cat lady. So back to the email: it’s just littered with all this rage and then he talks about killing my father. There is one tiny paragraph where he suggests that maybe he is projecting his own disappointments and insecurities but main theme? Everything is dad’s fault, and he wants to kill him.

Naturally, I receive this email and call Taiwan. My dad answers and tells me that in the middle of the night, he and J got into a huge fight and my brother pushed him (my dad is 80; brother is 50), and threatened to kill him. He thought about calling me but didn’t. Ok, great, thanks for the consideration. What. the. fuck. So by the time I see this email, it’s late morning. Brother is now in his room. Brother has been coming and going as he pleases, bc clearly my parents don’t know anything about boundaries. I text my brother a piece of my mind and no reply. I call twice. No pickup. He is a mother-fucking asshole, and now I’m super pissed about this bullshit drama predicament we are in. My dad tells me he doesn’t know what to do, maybe he will move to a new place and not tell my brother. Hello, CLASSIC SIGNS OF ABUSE. I tell him he needs to get my brother out of the goddamn house. I mean, they already bought my brother a condo, why does he need to stay with them? My aunt also has a vacant house where he sometimes stays. There are so many places he can stay, why do you let him come to your house?? The same bullshit over and over. I can’t bar him from seeing his mother. YES, YOU CAN. Especially if he doesn’t stay in his fucking lane and shut up about commandeering her treatment plan. WTF. I’m from a family of retards.

Long story short, I (who cannot read Chinese) find a website about senior abuse with some information and forward it to my dad. I call my aunt and tell her to pick up my brother and take him away. I unload all this shit to my visiting friend who happens to be a mental health nurse practitioner. She’s been hearing about my family bullshit for a few years. She suspects my brother has borderline personality disorder, and based on the escalation, he’s potentially dangerous. So, as I’ve suggested to my father before, get him out, get your keys back, and/or change the goddamn locks! I mean, for a person that believes so much in self-determination and action, he moves so fucking slowly on this shit. It all should have happened years ago but no, every time there’s a fight, they go back to their bedrooms, cool off, then there’s another rage event a day or two later. REPEAT. So this time, brother got removed. Supposedly, he gave dad his elevator fob. My dad had the locks changed. Brother is now staying at my aunt’s house 50 minutes away. I tell my father he needs to tell the doorman not to let my brother in, and I suggest he speak to the police about what happens should there be another incident. He refuses to do either.

In my mind, my brother can just go to the park where the caretaker takes mom twice a day. Then, he can start bullying her again about mom’s care/medications, and she is already afraid of him. And potentially, he can follow her and mom back to the house. What’s the plan then? My dad responds that J wouldn’t do that. Ok, well did you expect him to push you and threaten to kill you???? I told him to know the police phone number. He replies that he’ll do that when he needs to. I mean, you don’t know how to get ANY information!!! I am the one who found the service online. You are paralyzed and NOT resourceful. Do you even know how to get the number for the police? You need to have it ready on your phone. He gets all annoyed, saying J won’t do that and he doesn’t need that info right now. Ok, what the fuck ever. When you get pushed again and injured at the hands of my brother, don’t call me. He always says he doesn’t want to bother me. Um, well since you decided to live halfway around the world to save on expenses/taxes but continue living a life of misery and have me handling all your administrative/financial shit, you have already bothered and inconvenienced me. Just so you know. I tell him that things are escalating, and if J doesn’t get help/meds, he might have to be institutionalized. Then, dad says they can’t just lock someone up. Um, do you fucking know the process in Taiwan? No. He insists there has to be a history and evidence. Ok, well all of the sudden, you know the system. The proof is, he pushed you and threatened to kill you to your face. Then he emailed the same thing. And the caretaker is a witness. Fuck all this bullshit. I’m out.