Monthly Archives: June 2024

Killing Me Softly

Last week was nuts. As you know, Bentley’s hind legs have been weakening since the start of the year. While we were away on a short trip to Carmel in late April, he started stumbling more and more critically, he began losing his balance while pooping. Yes, that kicked things into a code red. At the time, we were grateful to be within a short distance to a Petfood Express pet wash station, but we knew our luck would eventually run out.

At the start of the year, we had tried a few meds but no improvement. This time, we went back to those meds at a different dose and again, no improvement. We then added in chiropractor adjustments, massage, cold laser, physical therapy, as well as a host of other meds. Nothing was helping.

Meanwhile, I went back to the CBD oil company to inquire with them about drug interactions, and strangely, they suggested I had him on too high a dose… like double what they would suggest. Huh? I’ve read their dosage charges multiple times and I was just following directions, but they explained that GSDs can be more sensitive to CBD oil… ok fine but still. I decided to hold off for now on the CBD oil and see how he would respond on the prescribed meds.

Last Friday, we started on prednisone, which he had been on years ago during his TWO autoimmune diseases. I was well aware of the potency of pred, but I also knew it was the med that really saved him. So we started him on 20 mg twice a day. By Saturday, he was walking better but then the diarrhea came on. On Sunday, the diarrhea turned super dark– darker than I’d ever seen and while he was walking better, he started drooling and dry retching and looking like shit. WTF, is that from the meds? I called the vet, and we immediately stopped the pred. They suspected the pred was too strong a dose and that resulted in stomach ulcers and bleeding, hence the dark stool. Continue with bland diet and monitor. Researching more about the symptoms, of course his signs happen to be the same for like every possible illness: lepto, stomach torsion, poisoning, Addisons (from abruptly coming off pred), obstruction. WTF. Internally, I was freaking out, bc when Benny got sick before, the drooling was out of control and indicative of nauseas and pain.

On Monday, he was doing slightly better. Appetite and water intake still normal. By Tuesday, stool was on and off. Color seemed to be getting closer to normal. Then Tuesday midday, I took Benny to the park. He had diarrhea again and then as I scooped what I could, I noticed something that felt/looked like a stalk. It looked like a softened cinnamon stick and when I unraveled it, there were three sheets. WTF was this??? It was like a paper but thicker like a craft paper. We hadn’t been feeding him anything new– just chicken and sweet potato, which is something we’ve fed (along with kibble) since Martin. Was it sweet potato? Didn’t quite seem to be. Had he gotten into something? Our garbage bins are lidded and nothing appeared disturbed. Also, Benny is usually very picky about what he puts in his mouth… I was wracking my brain. The next day, I’m prepping his meal– a chicken/sweet potato mix and whadya know: there’s a piece of the skin… thinner than what I had seen/felt earlier BUT the same parabolic shape on one end… but then how did the skin get all rolled up in the belly? I dunno. But this is the most plausible answer.

So I look up sweet potato online and some sources say the skin shouldn’t be fed bc it’s not digestible AND can cause obstruction. Say what? And some sites even said to limit the amount of sweet potato. WTH. Is this something new, bc why do I feel like we started it with Martin back in the day for all the benefits?!?!?

And there it was: the fucking mom guilt. All this time, had I been overmedicating him with the CBD oil and now we had been feeding him food what was harming him? Going back online, it seems the stance on sweet potatoes has changed but still. All of this reminded me about parenting and how damn hard it must be as all the attitudes, skills, and methods evolve over time. Ultimately, the good intention is there but sometimes that just doesn’t seem to be enough. Needless to say, we will be altering the homecooked portion of his meal. Benny is back to normal now regarding his stool and stomach issues. The back legs are still an issue but for now, I’m using a different back end harness, and we got Benny a buggy so we can be out and out for longer periods. We expect to revisit the meds for his back legs in a week or two. Right now, I need a break to recover from all the worry this last time around.

Bread Not Brownies

I’ve had a few emotional conversations lately with my buddy T. First, I was crying after the passing of my friend N. Then last week, I was crying about my family. John and I had recently watched a documentary about the NBA star Giannis. His is a moving and compelling success story about overcoming adversity plus all the good stuff of loyalty, integrity, hard work, and love of family.

I have never understood people who are close to their families– people who want to spend all their free time or PTO with their families. People who have to go home for all the holidays and speak to their parents on the phone daily. It has NEVER made any sense to me. But Giannis is a part of one of those families. In escaping poverty and immigrating to the US, as his success grew, his adamance for having his family with him only amplified. I cried so much in that documentary, bc it made me mourn what my parents do not have. And so that entire evening, I couldn’t sleep bc I was disappointed in myself… I had so many more advantages and privileges than Giannis in my childhood; yet I lack his level of loyalty and love.

And so I cried. I cried that I couldn’t be as good as Giannis. I cried that I lacked the filial piety he clearly possessed. I felt so much disappointment and shame and sadness for my family. And then my friend asked me: How and why does Giannis feel that way about his family? It’s bc his family spent time and energy to cultivate that feeling of belonging and cohesion and love. You were just a child… you can’t be expected to know how to feel about the relationship with your parents.

Your parents mixed the ingredients and created the environment to bake an amazing loaf of bread. At the end of it all, they can’t wish for or expect to get a tray of brownies. It was such a simple and yet powerful analogy. They were the bakers. They had a hand in all of this. There’s a reason why it’s so damn hard for my brother and me to really feel or express love for our parents.

I remember during COVID when my father met my friend T. After she left, he said to me, “She seems like such a positive and optimistic person.” And I remembered thinking to myself: Yeah, well she didn’t grow up with two anxious, neurotic, and perfectionist parents who are fear-based about EVERYTHING!!

I guess the good thing is that T’s comments absolved me of some guilt. But she also reminded me that I have limited time now, and if dad is making bids for a better relationship, there is still time for me to try. The relationship will never reach the heights of Giannis’ tight-knit family, but at least I can say, I braved the discomforts of change to forgive and to try again. After all, nothing they did came from ill intent: they genuinely did the best with what they knew.

Haters Gonna Hate

Have you seen this story in the news? People need to mind their own fucking business. The bride loved the dress on her mom and her mom looked lovely. Nothing pisses me off like people who have nothing better to do than troll and hate on others, especially people they don’t even know. Step the fuck off! Ugh. I am disgusted.