Monthly Archives: September 2023

The Drama Triangle

I have a friend from my childhood who’s always been flakey. There were long stretches where she would float in and out of engagement. This behavior has always irked me. Not just from her, but from anybody. My brother pulled this shit when he headed off to college. I saw him behave like this with myself (we were actually close then) and his friends who always seemed to be the ones initiating, reaching out, checking in, making any effort. As J and I got older, we drifted away for many reasons but pretty much, we have been estranged since 2003 when he was living in our townhouse as a roommate, took a trip to Taiwan, and then never came back (leaving all his shit in my house).

I’m sure every person has some explanation for their behavior… I realized though that I don’t want to make space and time and energy for someone who is unreliable, undependable, and frankly unhelpful. All these years later, J is not only UNHELPFUL, he is an active saboteur. But back to my friend.

She has other reasons for the flakiness, and actually, I learned a long time ago that this was going to be an unbalanced relationship… one in which, I would be ignored and ghosted for long periods of time until there was a sudden and urgent need for help. In the past, I subscribed to this idea that “with privilege comes responsibility.” She had her struggles, and I always seemed to be in a position where I could help. So I did. But after multiple iterations of this stressful cycle over several decades, I’ve grown tired.

Now she’s supposedly back in the “re-engaging” phase, and I’m being brought in again to hear all the health and relationship dramas and issues. I’m done with this bullshit.

In my last call with my therapist, she introduced me to the idea of the Drama Triangle, where there are three players: the victim, the perpetrator, and the hero/rescuer. The interesting thing is that the roles can change and swap. But what I’ve realized now is that I no longer have empathy and compassion for the victim scenarios. I am not interested in being pulled into the Drama Triangle. I’m done serving as the rescuer who is “on call” whenever help is needed. And at the end of the day, people must be responsible for themselves.

If I’m spending more time, energy, and resources trying to revolve your problems than you are, something is not right. I’ve learned this hard lesson through my clients as well (I can’t want to buy/win them a home more than they do), and now I see it more clearly with my friend.

In the past, I helped bc I tried to honor our history together. But now, I’m done. I’m tapped out and frankly, I don’t have the patience to listen anymore to grown adults who avoid taking ownership of their actions and who gloss over the consequences of their behavior. Excuses will only go so far.

Back from Bend

John and I recently returned from a seven-day trip to Bend, Oregon. His sister S is possibly contemplating a different lifestyle/environment, so she rented a month-long Airbnb in Bend, where a good friend of hers also lives.

I have to say, Bend has a LOT going for it. We were there in early September, so the weather was perfect, especially along the very scenic backdrop of a lake/mountain town. The population I’m told is around 120,000 which is decent, and as the city has grown markedly through the years, there is a lot of new construction– new retail, new facilities, shops, restaurants… it feels like a community where there is some mindfulness around its growth and development. And it’s small enough geographically that you don’t really have to contend with traffic congestion and any real urban sprawl.

I actually caught up a lot on sleep that week. All of us still worked and the Airbnb in many ways served as a coworking space with zoom meetings occurring in every bedroom, BUT it was a welcome and palpable change being able to step away from work midday and immediately hop on a bike trail riding along the Deschutes River. There was no leaving the house an hour ahead to account for travel time to the appointment.

I felt like the trip gave me a much-needed reminder that I do enjoy activities and being outdoors and doing things BESIDES sitting on my ass in front of the computer. I spent one afternoon at the roller-skating rink (new and gorgeous). Another afternoon riding our bikes. A third trying out an aerial silks (acrobatics) class (never again!). And yet another afternoon getting a foot massage and going kayaking. All this sprinkled in around several walks to/from downtown for dinners. It was a great experience re-imagining a different day-to-day routine and lifestyle.

On the downside, I will say, Bend is super white. A lot of Aryan nation-looking people. Not that they’re Nazis but just dayum, it was THAT homogenous. The stats say Asians comprise less than TWO PERCENT in Bend. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable around a mostly white population– I grew up in Frederick after all. But TWO percent is way small. And I still like to have my opportunities where I’m interacting with other Asians, speaking in Chinese.

In conclusion, the trip was a great vacation spot and respite. But after getting back home, I have to admit: I still love being in the Bay Area. Shrug. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. We’ll see what the verdict ends up being for my SIL.