I like to read advice columns. I used to read them religiously… well, mostly just Cary Tennis. Now, I only read them when I randomly come across them. In light of my recent topics about family and my aging parents, this piece resonated with me today.

Via the Washington Post‘s Carolyn Hax: learning the value of limited time.

The holidays are always a difficult time for me. For one, my family has never been very festive. It’s hard to explain with specificity, so I recently started telling people my parents are JW. They don’t celebrate anything. I mean, the truth is, they are just a clan of pessimists. Rather than celebrate all the good things that are going for us, my people like to obsess over every damn thing that’s wrong in our lives. It’s an awful habit, which I’m glad I’ve slowly broken since flying the coop and establishing life on my own.

But man, during the holiday season when I’m spending time with my family, all the old habits just come back. I was stunned the other day to learn that there is actually a term for this phenomenon of acting like a child again despite being a middle-aged woman: it’s called “regression” and it’s a coping mechanism. Say what???

For many of us, reuniting with loved ones during the holidays can feel like psychological time travel. There’s a reason why these visits trigger old memories and regressive behaviors.

Psychological defenses are like emotional armor, protecting us from feeling more profound pain and anxiety, which explains why overwhelming emotions like anger, fear, or sadness can cause us to fall back on less mature expressions of emotion like passive aggression and, yes, eye-rolling. No matter how far away from home we travel, most of us can’t escape our family history — and the memories that come with it. New conversations remind us of old ones, even if we’re no longer living under our parents’ roofs.

Sure, I like to think that at the ripe old age of 42, I’ve developed enough awareness and self-control to override the dysfunction, stress, and anxiety that crops up, but no. Regression happens. I feel validated by the simple labeling of these feelings.

Up until my late 30s, I had a very tumultuous relationship with my parents. The shortest explanation is that they are Chinese immigrant parents. I know, people think I just use that as an excuse for EVERYthing, but I’m telling you: among nearly ALL Chinese-Americans I have encountered who are around my age, this condition is real. The nagging. The expectations. The perfectionism. The insistence on doing things their way. The black/white right or wrong mentality. Tiger parenting, y’all. It’s not just some Oprah Book Club recommendation. It’s my life.

Miraculously, in recent years, our family engagements have calmed the fuck down. The secret? We learned to avoid certain topics. I suppose this practice is nothing profound: after all, people always say to avoid talking politics, religion, etc… right? Well, it took us decades to figure this out and after we adopted this unspoken rule, our gatherings thankfully became less volcanic.

Still, I’ve been estranged from my brother for about 15 years. I stopped understanding him a long time ago, and his troubled relationship with my parents only soured my relationship with them. It’s complicated, but basically, while they were parenting in a manner that I disagreed with, they were simultaneously asking me to serve as a surrogate parent to my brother. This whole convoluted arrangement ultimately let me to choose a child-free path… And eventually, he became a topic as toxic and inflammatory as politics. We stopped talking about him to preserve our own relationship.

The other day, my brother called. Once again, his conversation with my father turned sour. He was urging my father to divest himself of Johnson & Johnson, esp following the recent reports about known toxic components in their baby powder. My father is not one to be bullied. He disagreed on divesting and then the argument escalated from there. I heard the drama and stomped upstairs. Something similar had happened the last time I was home where the call deteriorated into accusations and chaos. Launching into protective mode, I grabbed the phone from my father and the venom just started spewing. For people (like Bubbey) who come from very non-confrontational families, witnessing this kind of interaction is horrifying. For me, I grew up on this shit. When I hit my 30s, I determined that this level of engagement was not good for my psyche or my heart, so I stopped communicating with my brother altogether. BUT the muscle memory remains, and I proceeded to go full blast like a fucking feral animal. He hung up on me. Not ready to call off the fight, I buzzed him back, ready to rip him a new one.

The weird thing is, somewhere in the chaos, he stopped to listen. I was heated and full of rage and yet somehow amidst the cussing, my words came across. Two things about me: when I feel hurt, I respond with anger. And that anger rises to a very extreme level of rage fast. Seriously. My temper goes 0-100 mph in seconds. It has always been this way.

I know I hit rage status on the call, bc my heart was pounding and I was physically shaking. And once I engage in some argument over who’s right or wrong, I do not back down. There is no one who gets angrier than I do. It shouldn’t be a point of pride, but I’m kinda bragging about it right now. What can I say, it’s probably my least redeeming quality: I fly off the handle faster than ANYone. But the main point is this: the conversation shifted and we actually talked. I shared that I have been thinking about him recently. Last month, I thought back to how we were as kids. What happened? Where did things go wrong? Why can’t we understand one another?

And I acknowledged that my parents are a pain in the ass. Partly, it’s the Chinese tiger parent thing. I’ve realized this in talking with Chinese-American peers: we share a lot of the same frustrations. So even though our parents can be annoying as fuck, some of it is cultural and not necessarily specific to them. For what that’s worth.

I also shared the insights I have learned from John, aka the world class EQ extraordinaire. For example, what’s your purpose in arguing about Johnson & Johnson with dad? Let’s say dad divests in the stock. Then what? Then are you happy and is your relationship better? And frankly, if the money is so dirty, why do you ask for it and use it? He admitted that he didn’t know why he got so worked up about J&J.

Here’s what I learned from my days at the political advocacy organization. I was in 20s at the time, living and working outside of DC. Every time I visited my parents, I brought up politics, specifically abortion laws, funding for women’s health, birth control access, etc. My dad was a practicing OB/GYN and I know he shared my views about women having control over their bodies. Yet, he always voted Republican– and Republicans are traditionally anti-abortion. I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy and every single visit, we’d argue about it. It was as if I picked fights with him to convince him. But he wouldn’t be convinced and so we just went around in circles. Ultimately, I realized that look, in every industry, company, family, whatever, there are bad seeds. Bad shit is happening on all sides in one arena or the other. We are all hypocrites, bc hello, welcome to life and the world.

Also, we are all adults. We should be able to to disagree on many things. That doesn’t make one side good and one side bad. My parents are not bad people. I mean, I’m not gonna lie: Trump supporters do have me feeling like the good/bad designation applies in that case, but in general, the world isn’t black and white like that. On top of that, J and my friends have made me realize that life is short. Your parents are not political opponents. They are family. And time with them is running out. Do you want to just keep fighting over old issues, or do you want to spend what limited time remains creating new, happy memories?

I mean, holy crap. Maturity is some next level shit. I have often considered myself precocious and yet, I can point to so many pivotal moments where, despite my confidence and self-righteousness at the time, I really was quite wrong and short-sighted:

Moment 1. Marital counseling: Many years ago, J and I were recounting to the counselor a recent fight we’d had. Our accounts of what happened and who said what differed greatly. We accused each other of lying and of not having the facts straight. After much back and forth, the therapist interrupted and said: People can share the same experience and have different perceptions of what happened. Both sides are correct bc they are sharing their own read/interpretation of what went down. Regardless, marriage isn’t about who’s right and who’s wrong. You may each have different perceptions of what actually happened. It’s doesn’t matter who’s story is more accurate. You’re on the same team. How do you want to move forward? Well, shit. Yeah, we were getting tangled in the weeds.

Moment 2. Two years ago, I came home to Maryland and started cleaning out my parents’ house bc seeing all their stuff cluttering the house stressed me out. Their lack of preparation re: downsizing gave me anxiety, so I started throwing shit out, posting stuff on freecycle, having strangers come to get things out of the garage. I did this all without even really asking them what they wanted to do with their stuff. I just went into Type A mode and aimed to get shit done. Well, after a few days, things came to a head, and we had a huge blowout. That was when J sat me down and said: how do you want to spend your remaining time with them? Do you want to keep arguing over what things to clear out, or do you want to create good memories? When they move away, you will likely have complete autonomy to clear shit out the way you want. But while they are living here, respect their space and focus on other things. Well, shit. Touche.

In talking with my brother, I acknowledged: our parents did some fucked up things. They didn’t always make the best choices. But we all make mistakes, bc at the end of the day, no one really knows what the hell s/he’s doing. We’re all just trying our best. Whatever mistakes were made, they were not done with malice. There was good intentions behind it. Their execution was just misguided. Let’s try to create good memories from here on out…

Afterwards, my brother admitted that he didn’t know why he was picking fights with my dad. He didn’t know why it was so important to him that dad divest from Johnson & Johnson. After we finished talking, he spoke to my mom and dad. And how did my father react to the apology? Ok, you just learn to manage yourself. Go spend the time to think about it on your own.

See? That’s what’s so annoying about my dad. His response is essentially: Ok, you were wrong. Yes, I accept your apology. Now go work on yourself and fix yourself.

There’s no acknowledgement that his parental expectations and demands are ridiculous. That he has made mistakes as a parent. After he got off the phone with my brother, dad says to me: he needs to have a goal.

Huh? What are you talking about: my brother got a full ride to Duke. He kept his scholarship and graduated. He earned a graduate degree in teaching from Columbia. He now works a decent, respectable job teaching at the university. The students love him and the administration wants to keep him on staff. He told me he stopped participating in the religious group. Where’s the fucking acknowledgement for all those “goals” that were achieved? Nothing. Dad says he’s still taking those deer placenta tablets and doing regular colonics. I mean, yeah, step by step, one thing at a time, ok?

According to perfectionist dad, Johnny still has no goals. So finally, I’m like, what are these “goals” he should have?

Dad’s reply: You have kids to finish the goals you don’t get done.

Yeah, dad. Those are YOUR goals. Not his goals. And so now we’re back to that bullshit. It really pisses me off. Like I have said before: It’s NEVER fucking enough.

I alluded to the mistakes he and mom made as parents. And he was all surprised like, what did we do wrong? Um hello: the expectations, the perfectionism, this idea that what we do/achieve is NEVER enough, never quite right. We don’t receive acknowledgment unless all “goals” are met at the same time. The fact that your life is ruined, bc you don’t have grandchildren. And why must grandchildren be the representation of hope for the future?

Hello, I’m not even dead yet. I still have things I’m going to do. But clearly, you’ve given up on both of your kids achieving the goals you’ve set for them. And the message is that your kids are failures, but grandchildren will offer you another chance to save the day. Am I overreacting here?

Well, hey, here’s some food for thought: We may be disappointments to you, but you’re also a disappointment to us. And by the way, throwing money at someone or something is NOT the same as truly believing in them and supporting them and loving them. Again, where is the conversation of: Let’s all try to do better. How can I help our relationship grow? It’s pretty much. Yeah, I’m right, you’re wrong. I accept your apology. Now, go take time to fix yourself.

I’m telling you: this is why I don’t have kids.

On one hand, my parents are old. Can they be expected to further develop their emotional skills to the point of really being able to offer support? Is it fair or even reasonable to expect that level of support? Second, my dad’s dad is still alive, and he’s still always bitching about not having a legacy. Look dude, give it up. You’re not royalty. Also, maybe you don’t deserve to have the family line continue on…

I told my dad today that part of the reason why Johnny and I hate(d) going back to Taiwan is bc we always get harassed for all the things we’re not doing right. There could be a bunch of things we have going on that’s good, and yet the first thing out of grandpa’s mouth is complaints about me not having kids and Johnny not being married. Leave us the hell alone!

John pointed out to me today: the good thing is, your parents have learned to avoid talking about contentious topics, but that doesn’t mean they will change their values. Their values are the same. So this legacy idea will always bother them.

True. But that’s on them. Learn the Circle of Control. You can’t control what others do or say or think.