Some days, I really feel like I’m in some bizarre time warp. Not so much like I’m traveling back or forward in time, but I just feel super disoriented. I mean sure, we got back from a very exhausting overseas trip. Technically, that was already last month. And I did pick up an eye issue which screwed up my vision and in turn, my balance. And of course, last Sunday was daylight savings. Yes, all those things are true, and YET it still seems like I should have more energy for a 40-something at this point in the game.

At home, it was great to be back in our own bed. And in the company of sweet Bentley. We had guests over for lunch last Saturday, so I cleaned the house like a fricking maniac– removing the couch covers, removing the slip rugs, mopping, cleaning the windows, wiping all the surfaces, replanting things in the yard, etc. Everything. It was one of the biggest cleaning jobs I’ve done in a long while. And shit, the Houseboat looked good.

But despite my manic cleaning mode, my sleep is all back to being messed up again. In my multiple trips to the doctor, I also complained to my primary physician that the spironolactone, which I had started before Taiwan, was doing nil to improve my skin. So she had me do some tests and double the dose. Next thing I know, I’m feeling restless at night, getting strange numbness with my appendages, etc. I dunno. It just feels like too much is going on. And YET I realize we have no kids, and we’re both on “flexible” work schedules so… is this a real problem?

Ugh. Overthinking it all again. I reached out to my doc again following a few days on the double dose. She advised me to stick with the program. On a second follow up with the eye doc, she told me to continue with the gel tears and nighttime ointment. Still no contact lenses for me. I’m getting better with the glasses, but damn, they still give me a freaking headache. I know, I’m all banged up and broken, apparently.

The good news is, after another a week on the higher spiro dose, I am finally seeing some improvement in my skin. Next week I’ll get a follow up blood test and hopefully, things will continue to improve from there. This Saturday, my eye doc says I can try wearing my contact lenses, but I have to be super careful about keeping the wear time brief and if there’s any stinging or burning, back to the antibiotics. Ugh. Fingers crossed for judgement day this Saturday.

Meanwhile, work is slow-going. I’ve been making calls again… that’s always hit or miss, and I dunno: when it’s a miss, I sometimes let it fuck with my mindset. In the last year, I’ve had a few unfortunate incidents with people… I replay that shit over and over again in my head. At the end of the day, what can I say: the mismatch and personality clash is real. I try to keep my chin up and adopt these as important learning moments… I have definitely used them as building blocks and have modified the way I react in challenging situations moving forward (yes, there continue to be occasional challenges) but man, that shit is hard for me. In some ways, they remind me of all the issues I had growing up and communicating with my parents… With some personalities, you end up in circles arguing mostly about who’s right and wrong.

Turns out, the “adult” way of dealing with all this is to first and foremost, remain calm. Second, don’t take it personally even if the client becomes accusatory and disrespectful. My sensitivity to it all stems largely from being bullied as a child and teen, plus I really don’t like letting people “get away” with shit behavior. But sometimes, the best approach really is to not waste any more time on people who insist on behaving immaturely. Having been on both sides of that coin in my life, I understand the efficiency of cutting bait and moving on. I’m getting better at identifying situations where it applies. Ok, well obviously, my mind is still somewhat muddled. I’ll aim for more clarity tomorrow.