Monthly Archives: May 2018

You are SO Rude

Last week, our office hosted a training given by an estate planner/attorney. He was this old white guy who, based on his stories and professional recommendations, you could tell had seen a lot. First, he said that property should never have kids on title, esp property that you live in and will rely on in the future for your own needs. He said, just leave it to the kids AFTER you die, bc if you’re still alive, things can get messy. He also said in general not to leave any responsibilities to any adults under age 35. In his experience, humans just don’t have the emotional maturity or capacity to handle heavy shit and to make important decisions… although, he did say you have to know the personality of the child. Some kids are born 35 y/o. I thought it was an interesting comment though. He also gave multiple examples where he talked about the flexibility of trusts: you can disseminate funds on an installment basis to the kid who can’t control his spending and then you can give larger amounts in full to the responsible kid. I’m not saying this scenario is us, but it’s interesting to see that from a lawyer’s perspective, the complexity and drama that is my family is not unique… In fact, he practically made it seem like this bullshit is the norm and not the exception. He had all kinds of other examples too: say so and so is a druggie, or so and so is a drunk, or s/he does stupid things bc she’s not mature… Man, what a mess. I just sat there in class thinking, I wonder what’s the true extent of dysfunction this dude has witnessed!!! He must have a daily crisis about the future of humanity!

Yeah, it was funny bc I walked out of there thinking to myself, I hope to God I don’t see half the dirt he has seen bc it would really turn me into a big time misanthrope. And then I had an open house in Menlo Park. I actually have a wonderful relationship with the list agent and she reached out to me to host again after they reduced the price. Bc of the listing’s proximity to Stanford, I had really good luck finding strong leads before, you know, like THREE doctor couples and such. Of course, this was also the same property where I met the lady with five properties to sell (her name was on NONE of the deeds) and the old white dude who was supposedly trying out for the Golden State Warriors. Yes, the visitors definitely ran the gamut. So this time, traffic was ok.

This one Asian lady came in and from the get go, she was super standoffish. I gave her a flyer, summarized the house, and she basically told me she just wanted to have a look first. It’s like, yeah. I’m just briefing you for 20 secs then by all means, look on your own. Anyway, other people came in and I chatted with them. Then this lady goes upstairs and comes back to the kitchen area. My lender asks her if she’s working with an agent and she gives this weird laugh and repeats a few times, “That’s the top secret,” Huh? What the hell does that mean? So then I ask her, “So what do you think? …Is this something that falls within your price range?” She smiles and says, “Well, I wouldn’t be here if it didn’t.” Then a few seconds later, she turns and tells me, “You’re so rude. You’re so rude.” I’m totally perplexed. Huh? So then I thought maybe she found it rude that I was asking about money. So I respond saying I didn’t ask you for a specific number; I just asked if this is within a range. Then she gets more annoyed and goes off about how rude I am. She says she has “never met anyone so rude in her life.” WHAT???? I look at my lender like, wtf is happening and my lender is confused too. I was seriously NOT registering how she was reacting. Then she asks for my card like she is going to report me to my broker or something. I eagerly give it to her bc I have no idea what her deal is.

Well the incident really pissed me off and after I got home, I poloed my friends to weigh in. Interestingly, my friend M suggested that maybe my comment implied that she couldn’t afford the house… So here’s the thing. At open houses, you get EVERYONE. People who are serious buyers, people who are just passing by, curious neighbors, hobbyist open house surfers… Typically, when I ask that question, people reply that they are preapproved for XYZ. Or that they want something nicer. Or it’s beyond their budget but they were curious. It’s NBD. And honestly, most of the people don’t know the list price until they get inside and get the flyer so people come in not even knowing whether or not it meets their criteria for price. I dunno. It was just crazy to me. Seriously? That question made me the rudest person she’d ever met in the world??? Where the fuck is she living, under a rock? And why be so offended and insulted? Why do you give a shit whether an agent thinks you can or cannot afford something? I didn’t even have that intention… Frankly, I have seen enough incognito rich people and super flashy poor people to know that how someone looks is never a definitive indicator. Ugh. Anyway, she just really ruined my day. I’m telling you: I see all kinds in this business. People suck.

The Tooter

OMFG, my dad. In the last 24 hrs, I’ve spent about five hours on the phone. Every call is a fucking code red emergency. That’s the thing about dad: he’s a Get Things Done kind of person, which jives with my personality except that all his to-do items are Quadrant 1 priority: BOTH important and urgent. And they frequently involve me. Like I have to drop all my shit and tend to it immediately.

So yesterday, he calls me all frantic before my open house. He has to submit some stock paperwork and the required documents didn’t arrive in the mail after the exact 7-10 business days they told him. So he calls the company again and they say he can access the info online. Except that he doesn’t have an online account set up. Back and forth, they’re trying to guide him to set up an account, and it’s not working. I get called in. But since it’s financial shit, I have to have him on the phone while I do anything on the call. I used my iPhone to conference call with the rep while I was tunneling into his pc, but my cell signal at home kept dropping. I called SIX different times and spoke with six different reps before I realized it was my signal. Meanwhile, they are unable to call me back. I cannot get the same rep. Finally, I have to go outside to the front of my house with my laptop, phone, and iPad. I give up on the conference call and use the iPhone for the customer support dude and my iPad Facetime for my dad. And then I’m holding the two devices close to one another so it’s a conference call. Meanwhile, Bentley is in the yard barking at passerbys. I’m telling you, it was a fucking zoo. Yes, I know. There MUST be a better way. Long story short, I’m on the phone for 90 minutes. I tell the last guy that the account creation process is sending me in a loop. He doesn’t believe me, so I have to repeat the bullshit process again, a sixth time. Same error, like I told him. Oh, now you have to wait 24 hours to do it again and then it should work, he claims. All this just to create a fucking account, I tell you.

This morning, I get a call from dad to schedule me for 3pm to do the tech call. Yes, I know. I already have it in my calendar! Jesus Christ. I don’t need to be poked and prodded like my brother. Meanwhile, John’s flight from Shanghai got delayed five hours. Yup, he was on the tarmac for the whole time. First, it was thunderstorms in Shanghai. Then, some bullshit US-China political reprimand where all carriers were allowed to fly/take off before the US carriers. I go to the airport to get Bubbey around noon and then after I get home, it’s time for my tech support call. Incidentally, Dad’s important document arrived today in the mail, so he was already meeting with the notary. The emergency was averted but he still wanted to proceed and set up online access. What do you fucking know? The account works today. So he’s got everything and is good to go… but wait, there’s more.

His home security system is busted (it’s from the 1980s). If I have time, can I research home security systems for him. I mean, JFC (Jesus Fucking Christ), if I have time? Why even bother qualifying the request? It’s not like I have a choice. And don’t act like it’s Quadrant 4: not important and not urgent, bc before the freaking day ends, I know you’re going to hound me about it already. My solution this time is to do as little research as possible. Just get Comcast home security. Bundle that shit and be done.

Oh and also, while he has me on the phone, can I type of a cover letter to accompany the important paperwork. That’s the thing about dad. When they were visiting last month, I had called about the paperwork and what had to be submitted. They said just mail form XYZ + notary stamp. He kept asking the rep and me, do I need to write a cover letter to go with it? No. Just the form and supporting docs. No, that’s all you need. So what the fuck happens today?

“Oh, I hand wrote a cover letter to accompany the paperwork. Here’s a picture of the letter, can you type it up for me?” That’s the thing. He wants my help but I have to do things HIS way. If I tell him no, he just keeps pestering. It’s annoying as fuck.

So fine, it takes five minutes to type it up but then I tell him: we already went over this a bunch of times when you were here. The rep said nothing else was needed; I dunno why you insist on creating more work for no reason. Well I wanted them to also know that blah, blah, blah. There’s always some reason for the extraneous crap.

I mean, I’m sure this kind of confidence (err self-importance) is very common in entrepreneurs and leaders. They delegate things to others, so part of their job is to convey the importance of what’s being done, so people will willingly take it on, as if what you’re doing to help me is super important…

But I dunno. To me, it’s often needless tedium. Yeah, maybe it helps give a bit more context around the task but it’s superfluous. Sometimes, good enough is appropriate and sufficient.

I mean, he is grateful. He’s always been classy about expressing gratitude towards people who help him. But then with me, he launches into a spiel about how he used to be so self-sufficient when he was younger, and now he needs help. Um, you’ve kinda always needed a lot of my help… just sayin’.

Ugh. Ultimately, everything gets turned into a lesson on how to do things in life the right way. Like his whole, I’m very organized and from my childhood, I always do things very methodically and thoroughly. Yes, you do but you don’t have to remind me of this every damn time we talk on the phone. I know he lives by a very educational approach and philosophy (is it Confucian?), so I’m sure he’s just leading by example. But it can be damn repetitive and self-aggrandizing. Like when he talks about how hard he worked when he was in private practice and how much hustle he has even into his senior years and how he is burdened with so many responsibilities… it’s really hard for me to respond at all. I don’t feel empathy and I’m not about to encourage the Superman attitude. Even Bubbey is noticing now preachy the stories are. He now calls my father the Tooter. Yup, bc he likes to toot his own horn.

A Different Person

Well, two days after we returned from our Italian vacation, my parents descended on the Houseboat. About two months ago, dad had asked for me to book their next flight to Taiwan and at that time, I urged him to use SFO as a stop over. In other words, fly out to California, stay a week, and then fly direct to Asia. Or, stop over here on the way back. It breaks up the trip. Nope, didn’t want to do it. He wants to get there directly and “not waste time.”

I mean, every time he goes to Taiwan, he stays at least a month and a half. What’s another five to seven days added to the beginning or end? He says he prefers the route through Narita in Toyko instead of flying through SFO. Yeah, makes sense if you do the entire trip in one push, but if you split it out into two journeys: east coast to west coast and then west coast to Asia, it’s more tolerable. Whatever. I’m not going to argue with you about scheduling a brief stay (that is along the way) to visit your only daughter. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, seriously. It makes NO sense unless he’s factoring in some cost factor. Like if he’s using points, a roundtrip from DC to Taipei costs the same amount as a roundtrip from SFO to Taipei. If you split it into two separate trips, you’re basically having to pay extra for the DC-SFO leg. He claims it’s a timing thing… he doesn’t want to bother us and just wants to get over to Asia as soon as possible. And anytime you comment that the flight to Asia is ridiculously long (about 24 hours door-to-door), he responds that he’s done it so much, it’s NBD. Yes, his response is yet another one of his “I’m a soldier who’s fought a thousand battles” kind of things.

John is starting to call him a Tooter, bc my dad likes to toot his own horn. Like anytime you ask if he got good sleep the night before, he says he’s always been a good sleeper. And he can function on just 4-5 hours of sleep. He did it his entire career. Blah, blah. Ok, whatever. Mind you, only like some ridiculously small percentage of the population can function and thrive on 4-5 hrs/night, but sure, you’re Superman. SMH. Anyway, when I was booking his flights, he asked me when might be a good time to visit. I said that I was really trying to hustle before my office anniversary in June bc any transactions I did from now until then, I would earn my full commission without having to pay out the office split. That split resets in June.

So then what does he do? He wants to come in early May bc that works better for his Taiwan trip, which seems arbitrarily selected anyway. OMFG. That’s what I mean: why ask if you’re going to completely disregard my response? I’ll just make it work.

So they came and overall, it was a good visit. We stayed locally and did a variety of activities: Stanford gardens, bocce ball, open houses, new construction, meals out, meals in the backyard, etc. Mostly though, if you get them a Chinese newspaper every morning and eat seafood meals here and there and have Chinese programming at night, they’re happy.

Mom is doing ok, but still declining cognitively. The weird thing is, she is an entirely different person now than the woman who raised me. She used to be so damn fearful and neurotic and naggy… now she’s easy going and holy crap, she lives in the present. We used to fight ALL THE DAMN TIME and my brother always came up as a point of contention. Now, there is no mention of him. I feel sad that she requires so much care and repetition, but at the same time, she just seems so much happier. She laughs a lot. I sometimes wonder how our relationship would have been different had she been this person while I was growing up.

As expected, my father is still involved in a gabillion things. He just won’t fucking let up and the caretaking responsibilities for my mother are visibly wearing on him. He basically never leaves her alone, and bc her short-term memory is so bad, he has to repeat things super frequently. And she gets confused easily, even with daily conversation. On the other hand, bc she’s so chill now, there’s no more bickering and fighting between them. Still, I can see that he’s lost a peer and a companion. I’m sure that handling so many important decisions alone is lonely, overwhelming, and burdensome.

As usual, John is amazing with my parents. Honestly, he is like the child they never had: smart, patient, successful and just so damn considerate and kind. He found a Chinese soap opera and started watching it with my mom (while I was working on my computer). He talked to my dad about healthcare and stocks and tech and stuff on CNBC. I feel so blessed for myself and my parents that Bubbey is such a caring and gentle soul. I bet my parents wonder where/how they went wrong to produce such asshole dickwad punks. Sigh.

We had some serious conversations on this trip too. I got a tiny bit more insight about their medical directives and the living trust. I mean, for someone as detail-oriented as my dad, he really shared some bare bones, vague shit but I’m working on getting it all spelled out. Goddamn, it reminds me of that potential seller I met months ago… every important document she had was physically printed and she just lugged them around with her. Nothing was digitized. SMH. Kinda similar but at least my dad has a computer and a cell phone that he actually keeps turned on.

It’s Not About You

From a super young age, I’ve always been judgey. It’s gotten a shit ton better in my older years, but it’s still there. I think it cultivated early on, bc my parents are hypercritical people. They used to always have comments about shit– you know, boatloads and boatloads of (unsolicited) feedback. I think part of it is being Chinese: To succeed in their school system, you have to be competitive and to be competitive, you have to constantly know where you stand among the others. On top of that, my father is also a very straight arrow and he has a very strong compass calibrated to his own sense of right and wrong. People and their life choices (and the consequences) are then judged against that compass. It’s probably not anything that is unique to my father… everyone does this to some extent but he is just more pronounced about it.

So from childhood, I was very attuned to observing others and comparing/contrasting behaviors, qualities, achievements, etc. And more specifically, I was hyperaware of any inconsistencies or hypocrisies. It’s kinda strange bc now as a weathered adult, I feel like hypocrisy is just part of being human.

I may have mentioned this already but over Christmas, when I was home in Maryland, I met up with T, a friend from the second grade through post college. She’s the one with her parents in failing health and she’s the one left having to figure it out (lame brothers unite!)– like where they can get care and how to fucking pay for everything. It’s a nightmare lesson in poor parental planning, to be honest. Anyway, among all her family drama and burdens, she talked a lot about alignment– having her actions align with her beliefs. And a few years ago, I was all up in that shit. In fact, that’s largely what drove me to leave nearly all of my jobs. I just couldn’t stand the misalignment I felt with management and/or the mission. I had this notion that being true to yourself was of utmost importance.

But now I feel differently about things. I mean, sure, I still have a proclivity for the black and white. I want things simple, cut and dry, spelled out down to the t. BUT I dunno. With all the recent news and just grime that I’ve gathered from life, I really wonder now whether alignment (like fairness) is a realistic expectation. Take, for example, the animals. I know about the horrors of the meat/dairy/food industry at large. Yet, I continue to eat meat, drink milk, consume cheese, buy leather… I know about animal testing. And I still buy Covergirl cosmetics bc that’s the only shit that covers my blemishes without giving me breakouts. My younger self would NEVER have forgiven myself for these selfish and insular choices. But my older self? I dunno. I’m beaten down and tired of fighting. I feel like the best I can do is eat less meat or try to eat “organic” meat (even if I know the labeling system is bogus). Is it bc I am in survival mode? Or has life turned me into a nihilist? Maybe a bit of both?

Beyond my self-judgement, my judgeyness of others has also evolved. I used to notice and be annoyed by all the contradictions in people I knew. Like with my dad: how could he be a non-religious, pro-choice OB/GYN who repeatedly voted Republican? Or, even now, how can educated, “smart” people still support Trump? I suppose what I’m coming to learn now is that life just doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why did we ever have the expectation for it to make sense to begin with?

I mean, did you hear about MLK? Such an impassioned orator and advocate– the leader of a fucking important movement. Well, turns out he was a total sex fiend, philanderer, womanizer. His poor wife. That’s what I mean: People we admire, trust, love, and follow. They make choices that are so non sequitor. What about Elon Musk. Innovative, articulate, intelligent. Why is he always dating women just past pubescence? Ok fine, older than that but STILL in their freaking 20s. I mean, am I supposed to believe that the kindred spirit thing transcends so many decades of age for SO many powerful and successful men? Puhleeze. Look, no matter how precocious, I highly doubt that humans are mentally/emotionally mature and developed in their 20s. Just saying. So where am I going with all this?

I notice the discrepancies. But in general, they no longer faze me. If you were to tell me my mailman were a pedophile, I would not even be surprised. So if reality is just laden with treachery and deceit, maybe I just want a break from the incessant surveillance. I mean, I am exhausted by the constant watching. And ultimately, what’s the frickin’ point?

On a more personal note, the inconsistencies used to bug the hell out of me. For example, I had a friend tell me multiple times that I was like a sister to her. Every time my bday would roll around, she’d forget to acknowledge it. Not a huge deal considering my own parents oftentimes forgot. But she would call weeks later and say, “Oh, I don’t celebrate bdays or holidays so I never keep track.” Ok, that’s fine. Then, her sister had a kid. And all of the sudden, every milestone was remembered, and she even hosted a crazy bday bash for the kid when she turned 5. The lesson? Family is always different than friends. No matter what people claim.

Another example? John and I adopted Bentley in January. I have some good friends who have yet to meet him. I get that he’s not a human. He’s not a newborn baby. But if I, as a child-free person, acknowledge the importance of your child… shouldn’t you demonstrate a similar level of respect for my milestone? I’m not all up in a rage about it. I know that life happens. People get busy. I’m not infallible. But these are things I notice. And they bug me. My younger self would be far less forgiving. My older self feels it, is annoyed by it, but what more can I do? People choose their priorities. Life goes on and disappointment abounds.

Hmm, turns out I might actually be onto something with this “sweeping it under the rug” approach. Apparently, when people are chronically late, you shouldn’t take it personally, bc it’s not about you.

Yup, all happy thoughts today. It’s been one of those days. I spent the afternoon checking in on people (potential leads) and not hearing one darn word back. Jesus Christ. Why don’t people have the decency to reply? It can be as simple as, “Thanks but no thanks.” or “Not interested now, but please check back in two months.” Ugh. Time for a break– taking the pups for a walk.

Halloween in May

Well, I got ghosted again. It’s my own damn fault, bc before the Italy trip, a few places in my hood came on the market. So being the follow-up kind of person that I am, I reached out to that couple who rents in my hood. I had met them at an open house I hosted back around Christmas and they ghosted me back then.

This time, I thought might be different. And twice, I made the ask to work together. I turned them on to one home on their same street and they said they wanted to submit an offer. I took the call from Italy even and made arrangements. Then, when I sent them the paperwork, no response. at all. Yup, ghosted again. Apparently, it’s Halloween in May over here. Smh.

Even John was so shocked by how unprofessional these white-collar, tech workers are. I mean, who operates like that? and with their neighbor, of all people? They said they wanted me to work with them on the offer. Then, once again, they just pumped me for info and then never replied to my voice mail, texts, or emails. The lesson learned? Real estate is seriously one of THE most disrespected professions ever. People not only have zero loyalty, they have zero respect. They think it takes nothing to buy or sell a property. Never mind ALL the paperwork and legal docs and the fiduciary responsibilities. It’s disappointing and annoying. Since then, more properties in my hood have come on the market, but I refrain from contacting them. I’m done with folks like that. If they won’t show some respect, I will have to respect myself and not work with flakey people.

Restless in Italy

John and I were in Italy at the end of April to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. I know I’m a total anomaly, but to be honest, I was reluctant to spend 10 days away on a European jaunt. I don’t expect anyone to understand: when I’m in work mode, that’s just all that I want to do!

Needless to say, Bubbey is the sweetest hubs out there. Normally, I do all the travel planning from flights to hotels to arranging dog care… but this time, Bubs did EVERYTHING. I mean, it all started bc he’s had the travel bug (big time) for the last year. He’s always trying to maintain his United Premier Gold status. So he got wind of some super cheap flights to Rome and everything snowballed from there. Like I said, I’m a workaholic. Part of it is that I just like to work. The other driving force is that well, you know, I feel a lot of pressure (all self-imposed) like I am running out of time to demonstrate/achieve professional success. I know, my friends have told me that I am successful, and maybe in some masochistic way, I keep moving the target or changing the criteria. The bottom line is that I don’t feel like a success. I feel blessed and lucky, but not successful on my own accord. I mean, I’m not going to delve into it now, but it’s been a lifelong struggle that stems from my upbringing with my parents and my own mental state. But at some point, with John being so excited to travel, I did check myself. This life isn’t just about me. He’s on the journey with me, and I realized that I need to still nurture our relationship and water the flowers, bc I know that life is short.

Anyway, my point is, I acquiesced to an Italian vacation. I know, there was a ridiculous amount of arm-twisting and I’m not proud. But the trip was great. I mean, I think I’ve learned by now that any kind of European travel will never be restful. There is just too damn much to see, with all that history. Also, I’m a lazy-ass American, so all that walking really wore me out. We stayed in the same hotel the whole them to minimize fatigue (still didn’t work) and then planned a day trip to the Amalfi Coast. Beautiful, beautiful place but OMFG, the traffic and crowds are insane. Same deal with the Vatican. Supposedly, it is the world’s second most popular tourist destination (first is the Louvre), clocking in 35k visitors/day on average. In peak season? 55k people IN ONE DAY. I mean, it makes sense: everyone wants to hit up the key places, but goddamn, it just makes the experience kinda difficult, you know, like is the juice really worth the squeeze? I dunno: John and I are people of very low tolerance so…

Also, who the hell knew that I would get sick of pizza and pasta, like ever? I know, roll your eyes! I’m rolling them at myself. First world problems, SMH. I’m just sayin’.

Beyond the travel logistics, holy fuck: that Roman history and ingenuity is something else. How the hell were people back then so fricking smart? It seriously blows my mind. I mean, aqueduct systems, plumbing, construction, engineering… that shit is incredible. On the negative side, I suppose you can get a shit ton done with slave labor. Shrug.

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