July 10 was a big day for me. First, my deal closed and I handed my buyers their keys. Then, both Bubbey and my parents descended into the town. Bubbey had been on a 10-day jaunt through Europe with his sister (he LOVED the trip!!), and my parents were stopping off in the Bay Area for a week before heading back to Taiwan. What else. Stormy went home that day. It was a good friend’s bday. And it was Amazon Prime Day. Kind of a lot of things all at once, you know?

So the week with the parentals went well: I mean, probably the BEST it has ever gone. Obviously, we have had an extremely conflict-ridden and tumultuous past, so it was both a relief and kind of a shock to just get along for that duration. I know, it sounds so simple, but what can I say, my family relationships haven’t been easy.

I suspect the biggest explanation for this shift is that aging and fragility changes things. I swear my parents used to push ALL my buttons, and then we would argue and yell and I was adamant about always getting in the last word, always winning the argument. Admittedly, I was ruthless. There was an anger inside me that was convinced everything I said and did, no matter how hurtful, was righteous bc it was honest. But things are so different now. My father appears so much smaller, frailer, older that before. He is still mentally sharp and quite lucid, but he is not as ambitious, not as gung ho. He still is kinda preachy with his stories and he will always try to impart lessons/life wisdom but he’s less rigid. And my mom: when I look at her, her eyes convey some spaciness, some confusion. She giggles for no apparent reason. She no longer feels like my nemesis. Rather, she is a harmless old lady. Since her medical issues, they don’t bicker like they used do. Dad is much more patient with her. He explains things over and over, but without the previous irritation. There is a palpable tenderness in how he guides her and cares for her. Their relationship is better bc as J even expressed: they have both just chilled so much the fuck out. It is a dramatic change. I mean, I really had so many decades of conflict and escalating situations… it’s mind blowing to evolve into a relationship that is entirely the opposite of what it used to be. I’m sure mortality and life experience brings about this new perspective. I feel, again that my 40s are so very different from my 30s and 20s. When I interact with my younger friends, I often see bits of my former self inside them: I was such the activist, so insistent on right and wrong, so unyielding with my judgments of others… I realize now just how complicated life is. Just how complex people and relationships are. I still feel a strong natural pull towards this idea of radical honesty… but I also see that other people, even those who hold beliefs or ideas that I oppose, they have pain and hardship and struggle. Life is a beotch for all of us– to varying degrees and in different realms. But there is emotion and feeling even among the most stoical of beings. Ultimately, kindness matters. I have to say, one of the biggest lessons I learned in marriage counseling was that being right isn’t the most important thing, esp among people you love.

So what all did I DO with my family? I continued to work, and some days J was kind enough to hang with my parents. He took them to the Chinese market. We drove them around the neighborhoods. We toured a few homes in MV. I thought maybe we would work on that plan of trying to get them to buy out here, but it’s not happening. Not only is Dad turned off by the price, but Taiwan really is home to them. We found a few tasty Asian spots. We also got steamed dungeness crabs. We made dinner at home and ate out on the patio and sipped some wine. Funny thing: I never really consider J and me as people who are super good at being happy and at enjoying life, but I suppose relative to my parents, we’re like total sybarites. Ah well, that’s a compliment. I’m tired of being chronic mal-contents: there is so much to be grateful for. What else: we took them to play bocce ball, which I introduced to my dad last January when he visited us solo. He LOVES bocce ball. I almost feel like I need to find someone in Taiwan to build dad a court. We also watched some Chinese movies. See? We did so many chill-out things. And I have to say: J is AMAZING with my parents. He truly is such a wonderful son. He asks them things, really engages in conversation with them, he pays attention to things they like… it really filled my heart with joy seeing how kind and genuine he is with them.

As for the logistical things: we took mom to the neurologist at PAMF. I was very pleased, bc he was ultra thorough. He ran the cognitive test, reviewed all her brain scans, and talked with us extensively (for an hour!!). In the end, the good news is that he said her condition is not advanced enough to be dementia. He says she has mild cognitive impairment, which frequently but doesn’t always, leads to some kind of dementia. Observing her interactions and movement, he suggested Parkinsons or a derivative. Then, based on her MRIs, he recommended putting her on stroke-prevention meds. The other recommendations were to walk a lot, stay physically active, and then see neurology specialists about potential Parkinsons. I really like this doc, but the sad news is that my parents are now back in Taiwan and I mean, who knows what kind of medical care they are getting back there. J’s dad also had some form of Parkinsons, and the way that was confirmed was by him taking the meds and seeing a dramatic improvement. I’m going to tell dad to try that with mom and then beyond that, I suppose just up the exercise and social stimulation. At this point, I suppose quality of life trumps all the medical stuff.

I did notice that mom was crazy hungry, esp late at night. Some evenings, I would awake to hear rummaging in the kitchen. Dad was like looking for cereal and nuts for her; mom then got a hold of John’s nougat from Europe (my parents never eat sweets) and devoured that… it was really weird. J and I started calling them hungry squirrels bc of the late night binging. I dunno if it’s her meds or what…

Anyway, I gotta run to my open house now, but overall, we had a good visit. There are more unanswered questions about the future but I suppose the answers aren’t coming anytime soon, so might as well let them simmer.