Monthly Archives: April 2017

Small Things Matter

In the last few years as I’ve encountered death and grieving with increasing frequency, I have learned a few things about acknowledgement and simple gestures. Coming from a family who’s atheist and on top of that, completely stoical and non celebratory, I used to think that flowers and cards and small gifts were extraneous and overly ritualistic.

But my friend N grew up in a very different household. They celebrated Christmas AND Hanukkah. They always sent cards and postcards and magnets during the holidays and whenever they traveled. At first, it all seemed rather silly and frivolous. Over time though, as I grew into an adult, I really came to appreciate such gentle reminders: Hey, someone is thinking of you.

When my SIL’s boyfriend M died almost two years ago, my friend K sent flowers. That was the first time I ever received flowers in sympathy. J and I were so stunned, we had no idea who would do such a thing. But by god, they were lovely to receive. And now, I have decided to adopt that practice, bc I remember how strongly the gift and note touched me.

In recent weeks, I have been reaching out to more people for my real estate business. I’ve contacted old friends, former acquaintances, colleagues, etc. I spent FORever drafting my message(s), but in the end, I pushed through and reached out. I’m not gonna lie: the response has been pretty subdued, and it hurts. Sure, for many of the relationships, we lost touch, and now, I’m technically asking for help, so why should anyone give two shits? You know, maybe it’s me but just bc I’m asking for help, I’m not trying to con people or rip anyone off. I’m asking for help, bc I’ve never done anything to harm you, I liked you, and I have a desire to help people build stability and wealth through homeownership. Why wouldn’t you offer support or encouragement or a simple acknowledgement/reply?

I guess it’s my own fault for having expectations, esp from people I know. Maybe it’s too much to hope that people will genuinely wish each other happiness and success. Some days, it gets me down. Out of hundreds of emails, I hear back from maybe 20 people max. Sigh.

The other day, at my sales/prospecting class, we did this exercise for a few minutes where we went around the room saying “no” to everyone we encountered. The point was to thicken our skins, bc in this business we get a LOT of rejection. I am def getting better about it with strangers through all these prospecting activities we’re doing, but with people I know, it’s hard to move on and not dwell. J tells me it’s not about me. But it’s something that still trips me up. I know I have to just keep my eye on the prize, bc ultimately the only one who’s going to stop me is myself.

Trying to Hack Guy Code

Recently, I’ve realized that in the last six years, while Bubbey has worked so much, there have been multiple phases where I felt really touched/grateful/connected to certain guys. I should state up front that all of these relationships were/are purely platonic… but they were very special connections nonetheless.

Back in 2006, when I was at the fuel cell startup working a lot and Bubs was working a lot, I’d lost 10 lbs from the stress and I was so exhausted everyday working 12+ hrs. I was at the office really late one night, and I had to lift this super heavy dumpster lid and then slide a full 55-gal drum underneath. I was straining up on my tiptoes to get the lid high enough and my waist was hurting, and I reached for the drum and suddenly, the lid got light. J appeared out of nowhere and was there holding up the lid. Literally, he was like an angel who appeared to help me. Afterwards, walking back to the office he said all this stuff about how hard I worked at such a tough job and and how I was so undervalued. I remember that oftentimes, I would tell John how I felt like a glorified secretary– like the CEO’s bitch. He would agree. But J– J said I was like a VP of client relations: my job wasn’t admin bullshit– I was the first impression (through cold calls) and I was also the contact person throughout each project. He said I was executive level. It was amazing to have someone value me that way. I mean, for 8 months, I had worked like a dog and no one ever seemed to notice/help and suddenly, I realized that someone WAS noticing and he had actually been watching all along, acknowledging that I was really great at my job. That ONE moment bonded me to J forever.

And then with D, there was this period where I felt like all I ever got from John was “no” or resistance or lack of enthusiasm about activities. D signed up for Goldstar when I sent him the link; he signed up for Dropbox when I sent him that link. It’s like the silliest, smallest things and yet they were gestures that I appreciated because wow, someone actually bothered to join or subscribe just because that $1 Goldstar referral credit or 5 GB of free Dropbox space made me happy. And D, even if he was flaky at times, he always seemed to appreciate my researching of new things to do. He seemed to genuinely consider every offer while John only seemed to hope/pray for someone else to step forward as an activity buddy so he didn’t have to do things with me.

And now with J at work… I had been so upset about our friend being in the hospital. And I was so stressed with John trying to weasel out of every visit to the hospital because he was tired and the situation was socially uncomfortable. Then for someone to see visibly that I was preoccupied– and for him to ask me what was wrong. I didn’t even know J that well, but he remembered that I liked Adam Levine. After I had that meltdown in his office, later that day, he emailed me that he was listening to an Adam Levine interview on the radio…

What does John do to cheer me up? Does he even see anymore when I am upset? Does he see that HE upsets me? Clearly, it doesn’t take much for me to feel appreciated/noticed, and yet he has to be prodded and reminded. I have to be on the verge of a flipout before he stops to think.

I had a very public meltdown on Sunday evening. Yeah, we went to a new park for picnicking Sunday afternoon and well, I know our anniversary isn’t until the day after tomorrow, but it became very apparent to me that he had forgotten. Like last week, I got us tickets to War Horse and made dinner reservations at a new place to try… ON THE EXACT DATE. He didn’t say anything except that maybe 5:30 p.m. for dinner in SF was too early to leave work– maybe 6 or 6:30 p.m. would be better. So I said, I wanted to have a nice dinner without rushing around before the show. Then on Saturday, he asked me if I was free any other night this week— my heart lifted thinking maybe he remembered and wanted to plan something, but it was just to go out for his sister’s birthday. So anyway, at the park, I said that he doesn’t even remember important dates anymore. And then I just started sobbing uncontrollably. In the fucking park for like 15 minutes. I wanted to cancel the stupid dinner reservations, cancel the theater tickets. He had the goddamn nerve to give me some bullshit like it doesn’t count and it’s not fair because it’s not even the day yet and that he would have remembered. Um, when? When the calendar appointment that I put in gcal pops up at midnight on August 23? Fuck you.

That’s when I went shopping at Target afterwards. Who fucking cares. I’ll buy out the goddamn store. Red pants, pink pants, another sweater, whatever. Later, when I got home, he just said he was sorry he made me cry and he wanted to try to be a better hubby. Yeah, same old bullshit. Don’t try, just do.

Meanwhile, I mention karaoke party for the day before Labor Day to J at work, and he says he can’t make it: it’s his son’s bday. Wow, weeks in advance and he remembers an important date. Imagine that. The weird thing is, I told my manager about the picnic incident the next day, and he was like trying to tell me it doesn’t mean anything that John forgot. That it doesn’t mean he loves me less. I made some comment like well, I guess I do care a lot about these details, like dates, and he said, “well, it’s not really about forgetting the date. It’s not really about that.” And a light went off… exactly!!! Months ago, just like it wasn’t about him tying on the stupid bracelet, it’s not about the date. I mean, all morning Saturday, John’s harassing me about getting more clothes from Lululemon, because they look great on me. And I keep telling him that I don’t want to spend crazy dough on workout clothes!!! That I like buying clothes for work/everyday. He’s so fucking dense. Seriously, we’re like debating the whole thing back and forth… as if spending $100 on something I wouldn’t buy myself is his way of valuing me??? Uh hello, the whole week before, I’ve been obsessed with the uke. Did he ever think to just buy me a fucking $50 uke? Nope, I had to order it myself. That’s what I’m talking about. He just doesn’t get me. Whatever.

Yeah, I dunno what the thing is about the guy attention. It’s not even like I flirt with them or I want them… I just feel really chummy with them. I’ve been thinking about it more, and my conclusion is that the whole time, John tries to argue that my expectations are too high, that I’m too needy, that the Notebook is just a fluffy unrealistic Hollywood film. But to me, these guys demonstrate how the Notebook is real. Now obviously, I’m not in a relationship with any of them, and maybe they are different when they are in a romance, but still, they show how guys can listen and be emotionally available and they can still just pay attention.

Maybe with women, it’s more expected: I get a lot of support from all my girlfriends (thankfully); but in the end, who wants to listen to me complain about my shitty marriage when everyone else has great relationships? With guys, they just get snippets that John works a lot but they don’t dwell on it. They kinda do this thing where they pick up on things that make me happy and ask about that stuff– hobbies, interests, biking, whatever. I dunno. Like J from the startup always compliments what I wear— I mean sometimes he shares too much about my whole makeup thing but really, it’s about paying attention and really observing. You know? And in a way, I’ve also lost attentive Joe. He and I used to talk a lot at Oorja. Then he met the wife and they got married and I mean, we don’t have long overly analytic talks anymore. Now, he emails John instead and wants to do BBC stuff. It’s ok, but it’s just another example of something special that is lost. I guess my former coworker was right. I don’t like breaking up with people, bc I always remember “that time when…” My memory is what gives me hope for the future, but it’s also what reminds me of pain– often. I don’t forget how emotionally dead John responds to my needs. I don’t forget how sometimes I cry about us and instead of holding me, he just gets up and leaves the room.

Breaking Through

What can I say, this past week has been another grind. But holy crap, on the plus side, I am feeling the growth. I promised a recap of last Saturday, so first things first. Yeah, last Saturday was Easter weekend, and I started the day by tabling with a veteran (20+ years of experience) loan officer at BOA. I was awful at tabling. People would just kinda walk by as they headed to the teller line. Thankfully, my lender had a table full of swag and that brought some people over. I watched her engage them, asking questions about their current loan and rates and seeing if they were interested in refinancing. She was so great about introducing me as the branch realtor. I know, it’s strange to hear. Anyway, who the hell knew that bank branches could be so damn busy? I talked to the branch manager, and he gave me the lowdown: many of their clients are blue collar workers who don’t have direct deposit, so they come in with a pile of checks and then leave with cash, bc they are still cash-based in most of their transactions. The other interesting tidbit was that nearly everyone at the branch spoke Spanish, and it was cool to see a place providing customer service tailored to its clientele.

The branch manager was super friendly AND actually, he’s a warm lead: he’s moving to Texas in two months. It became super apparent that he was a researcher (he spent the last two years researching various cities throughout the country for his next stop), so we bonded over that. After I got home, I did all this research on good agents in San Antonio, reached out to one of them, and then made the intro. We’ll see if that pans out as a referral.

Later, my lender started working with a couple, and she brought me over and introduced me. The couple told stated that they are already working with an agent, but the lender continued to push me as a backup or in case if anything changes. I was super nervous though, bc I recently had a training at the realtors’ association and they always say it’s a huge no-no to engage with clients who are already taken. I mean, obviously, from the client’s perspective, if an agent can answer questions now, I suppose it’s helpful but you can’t be stealing clients. As a newb, I was especially uncomfortable about it and I think the awkwardness came across. Interestingly, I recently discovered that all lenders also have a real estate license, which is required as part of their lending license, so the lender helped me navigate some of the topics they were discussing. I was sooo nervous. Still, it was very helpful to see how the pros do things… you really can learn a ton just by watching.

In the afternoon, I had the open house at the swanky flip house in Almaden Valley. I got about 13 people through. I’m still nervous and uneasy when people ask me questions, so I need to work on that confidence… it’s ok if I don’t know the answer, but I just have to make sure I’m more assertive about finding the answer and getting back. J saw me interact with some of the people and said I’m getting more comfortable about it. For the most part, people are super cagey, but thank goodness for the ones who are open and friendly. It makes a world of difference. Shit man, sales is so fricking hard. This makes me re-think the next time I enter a retail store: I really should be nicer. Everyone’s trying to do a good job and earn a living, you know?

Out of Time

So that sales/prospecting class is now in full swing. Aside from the insane goal of 100 real estate conversations/week, we are tasked with a full list of homework. In class 2, which was last Wednesday, the coach made a point of clarifying: this is not a training class; this is an intense coaching program of transformation. What does that mean, you ask?

Let’s just say, everything is being tracked. Number of calls, number of hours spent on lead generation, daily habits, number of people met, etc. We created a weekly calendar down to half-hour chunks. I mean, I have done some pretty damn intense things in my life, and I have to say, this is way up there. I feel like I am working or thinking about work from sun up to sun down. For real. And then the program has us broken into teams and if you don’t meet your individual goals, the team suffers. So there’s that.

Every damn day, I am waking up feeling tremendous stress and pressure worrying about how I’m going to hit my goals. I seriously feel like I am in that Justin Timberlake movie In Time. Thankfully, I met the 20/day goal Th, Fri, and Saturday but holy crap, it takes major hustle.

On Thursday, I realized that manually dialing people from a list was going to take for freaking ever, so I got set up with a power dialer tool. Basically, it’s a software program that automatically dials a list of phone numbers. I know, don’t hate. But holy cow, that tool is wonderful bc it allows me to quickly hang up on bad numbers, leave a pre-recorded VM on answering machines, and it just keeps powering through the list without pausing. Some dialers can call up to three lines at once, so yeah, technology is fucking amazing.

The thing is, I’ve had the shittiest luck with the cold calls. I have not gotten any leads, and true, it’s probably bc I’m not very good at it. For example, on Friday, I called into my team captain for 8am script practice. He and a colleague demoed a call and dang, the captain is good. I mean, assuming he can extend the call beyond the first ten seconds… he is smooth and super natural and persuasive. It’s an interesting revelation bc listening to him on the call, my brain tells me he’s just naturally talented with the confidence and persuasion. It’s that authentic. But then after talking to him and hearing him explain how he practiced daily for months and months, I realize that his fluidity is learned behavior. Every little bit is studied and practiced to the point of becoming natural… I know practicing does wonders but shit, I am still impressed. So, back to the scripts!

In addition to the calls, I did a few other “reach” activities this week. For example, on Wednesday, I found a sweet house in Almaden Valley to possibly host open for Easter weekend. I saw that it wasn’t scheduled for an open house, so I reached out to the listing agent to ask if I could host. She didn’t get back to me via email, so then I texted her. She’s covered, she replies. But it still wasn’t on the calendar. Maybe they were just going to take a break this weekend, or maybe she was reluctant to have me host? I don’t know. But then on Friday afternoon, she reached out to me and asked if I was still interested. Yes! When I spoke with her on the phone to get the property rundown, she was surprised to learn I was a newbie. She said I came across very professional. Hee, hee!

After our call, I called up some lenders to see if any of them had leads for me (another reach), and an officer from BOA told me she was holding a Loan Day at the local branch on Saturday. She invited me to join. So just like that, at 5pm on Friday, I was booked to table at the BOA on Saturday morning and then host the open house in the afternoon. Yup, skateboarding class got canceled. I gotta hit them stats!

Friday night, I was up late prepping and fixing my signs, and Saturday was a looong ass day. I wasn’t very good at tabling, but the open house went pretty well. The house was a beauty, so that helped. More deets on Saturday later. Needless to say, I was wiped by the time I got home. Too much people interaction!! I spent most of today (Sunday) doing homework, and I had zero real estate conversations. Hitting the sack now to get up early and start the countdown again tomorrow. Ugggg.

Open House Redux

I forgot to mention that I did a repeat open house for 6447 Wellmeadow Ct. last weekend. I had a ton of cardstock flyers left over from the prior weekend (compliments of my loan officer parntner), and you know I can’t let that shit go to waste. So, I borrowed open house signs from a colleague and signed up to host another weekend.

My loan officer co-hosted with me on Saturday. We had one party of visitors for the entire 10 – 1pm shift. Meanwhile, my loan officer and I decided to “get to know each other” better, which resulted in me listening for an hour about how God has been his beacon and given his family strength. I mean, I have no issue with people who are religious. And fortunately, he wasn’t directly proselytizing but still, I’m not going to lie: it was a little awkward being an atheist and listening to someone talk for a long time about the power of his love and all.

The next day, Bubs accompanied me for the open house. Open houses are kind of a pain, especially bc you have to put out the signs (do I put it on this corner of the intersection or in the median or…) and then pick them up afterwards. Apparently, if you leave them out overnight, that shit gets stolen. Yup, and those babies are like $85-$100 apiece. For reals, who on Earth is stealing open house signs??? On Sunday afternoon, I got good traffic through the house– about 8 parties including a revisit from the guy who came the day before. I warmed up to welcoming and initiating conversations with the people, but boy, people can be pretty darn anti-social. I mean, I greet them on arrival, invite them to look around, and then try to touch base again before they head out. Pretty much, people try to dart out of there as fast as possible without saying a word. I mean, I’m not surprised: I have seen and even exhibited this behavior before but still. From the agent’s perspective, it’s frustrating.

Most of the traffic came from the neighbors scouting out renovation ideas, and pretty much every other person claimed s/he was already working with an agent. I just attended an ethics class last week at the realtors’ association, and it’s a huge no-no to engage with clients who are already working with agents. But I learned a tip from another lender: I can still hand out my cards in case if that person has friends/family who are needing help for real estate. Oh, secrets!

I’m going to be trying to host more open houses this month, at least for the weekends that I’m in town. Maybe I’ll even score something for Easter. Always hustling, I tell ya.

Shark or Clam

Sorry for the long silence, I have been busting my ass. After my pity party last month, I resolved to do more and to do better. What does that mean, exactly?

For one thing, I signed up for a 7-week sales and prospecting class. Yeah, if you thought I was uncomfortable as fuck showing up at banks with popcorn gifts, attending random meetup groups, and reaching out to friends and acquaintances asking for referrals, that was just Level 1, my friends. For the class, we have to call people up (Yeah, who do you know who actually still uses the phone these days, right?) and do the drill/script. OMG, I was so freaking stressed about it. I stalled and stalled and finally only called Bubbey and a neighbor that first day. The goal for the class over the period of 7 weeks? 100 people PER WEEK. In other words, 20 new people PER DAY.

It’s an interesting predicament, bc that day, I experienced a total return of my previous social anxiety/paralysis from ages ago. It’s probably been over a decade since I made myself that sick with worry and stress over talking to people. After I got home from the first class, I cried and felt like shit. I rolled around in bed thinking, “I just don’t have it in me. I can’t do this. I don’t know how to speak the ‘language of sales’.” And then after a night of feeling completely paralyzed, I knew what I had to do.

This is the path I have chosen. This is part of the business. No matter how great I’ll be as an agent– managing the projects, keeping all parties in the loop, finding resources and studying the market, I will never get to that point if I don’t get clients. It all boils down to getting the clients.

I realized too that I was taking everything too damn seriously. I was hanging on every word, every pause, every statement. I didn’t like this or that or word choice… I mean, I can be pretty damn particular. But if I’m going to enroll in the class, I have to believe in their approach. I can have all my doubts and skepticism, but I have to at least try the exercises the way they are intended to be done. If I try and it doesn’t work, then I can do things my way, but I can’t be rejecting methods before even starting, you know?

It was really a moment where the rubber hit the road. I usually get so excited about learning new things, getting in on the trade secrets or whatever… I have always considered myself coachable, but am I really??? Hell, no. I was resisting like crazy. But I caught myself, and now I’m going to do something about it.

So now I’m trying to hit my numbers. I’m still incorporating a little bit of my style in doing things… for example, I am contacting people by email first and then following up with the call (that’s how I did my cold-calling work when I was at the fuel-cell company). I just like the idea of giving people some background/intro and heads up so at least they know who I am when I call. But shit, I’m going to follow the script and go from there.

At the trainings, my coach in the past has asked, “Are you a shark or a clam?” Clams get their food passively, by filter feeding. They sit there, hoping that food comes their way. On the other hand, sharks are bosses. They attack and take what they want. I am always amused by the analogies trainers use to motivate and inspire people. But heck, that shit worked on me. I’m a shark, goddamnit, and I’m going to start acting like one.