Monthly Archives: March 2017

Life is Short

Ok, I’m done with my pity party. That’s not to say my personal demons will not rear their ugly heads again, but for now, I am moving on. Life is too fucking precious to be wasted on feeling shitty about yourself.

My dear friend’s sister, Debbie Kennedy, passed away this week. I had only met Debbie a few times before, but I remember her radiant smile and indomitable spirit. And she was quite a badass too: G shared so many dramatic stories of Debbie clashing with their Taiwanese parents. Shit man, she always stood her ground, esp when it came to parenting disagreements: she knew how she wanted to raise her kids. I know, don’t immigrant parents just bring out the best in us?!?!? SMH.

Sigh. Debbie left this world far too early. She was a vibrant and animated soul and by god, she was a fighter. I am inspired by her strength of will and her strong love of family.

Yesterday, Richard Branson, responded to Alaska Airlines’ decision to cease the Virgin America brand, with a powerful letter. His last paragraph resonated a lot with me and reminded me of Debbie:

George Harrison once said, “All Things Must Pass.” This was the ride and love of a lifetime. I feel very lucky to have been on it with all of you. I’m told some people at Virgin America are calling today “the day the music died”. It is a sad (and some would say baffling) day. But I’d like to assure them that the music never dies.

Like the music, her spirit lives on. Rest in peace, Debbie. Oh and FUCK CANCER.

Consolation Prize

Oh my. After another week of running around and putting myself out there, I just crashed and burned. Last Wednesday, Bubs flew back East again to visit his mom and take care of bidness. I went to seven trainings, met with more lenders, caught up with old colleagues, attended a few meetups, and hosted an open house.

I went to a bday party last night for my friend K at the university. She and the hubby just bought their first house: what a cozy and beautiful bungalow in Southeast San Jose! Some of our former colleagues were at the party, so it was nice to catch up. My former department restructured recently and some peeps I know got pushed out (sadly) while others scored big time reclassifications. Good for them.

Today, I had lunch with several engineering buds from the fuel cell startup. Between last night and today, I had a good time catching up with old buds from both workplaces but truth be told, after I got home, I broke down in tears.

I don’t really know how to explain it, but some days I just really feel like a failure. Don’t get me wrong: I am genuinely and sincerely happy for the successes of my friends. More pay, higher titles, opportunities for growth. Yay! I believe firmly in the idea of abundance: there is plenty of success to go around for all of us. But at the same time, sometimes I just feel shitty. You see, I want to be around motivated and energetic people. I want to be around movers and shakers– not bc those people are necessarily better people than others, but bc I feel a commonality and relate better to professional ambition instead of family goals (my fam is too damn dysfunctional).

So at lunch today with my engineering buds… I mean, they are just so damn smart. After all, these are the guys behind the chips and batteries and electronics and wiring in all the technology that makes modern living so fucking amazing: smaller and smaller devices; automotive innovations; medical devices that detect illnesses and deliver treatments to the ill; solar panels that are taking places off grid… We are talking about serious game-changers. And then there’s me. Still treading water, still trying to find my way: still trying to make myself useful and helpful. Still trying to change lives in some/any kind of capacity. Basically, still trying to rub two stones together to create a spark. I just felt so down on myself.

Every week I talk to my dad and there is nothing new to report. He tells me that building a new business takes time and anyway, I “don’t really NEED the money.” I mean I know he’s trying to ease my anxiety and impatience, but reminding me that I’m privileged, living in a luxury provided by other people doesn’t help. It makes me feel like shit. I don’t want to be given the consolation prize for success.

I’ve been pushing myself harder lately too. I was learning so much and I was feeling more confident and more comfortable talking about loan programs and reasons to own and whatever. I had toured enough open houses to add more touches to my hosting style to make the experience better and more informative for visitors. I was consistently updating my real estate blog. I was reaching out to people telling them about the resources I discovered… and nothing. I mean, some thoughtful and supportive replies but more often than not, no response at all. Do other people care about supporting/encouraging the success of people they know?? Probably not.

Meanwhile, I also attended the DTB meetup on Friday night. Had a nice discussion with a table of strong feminist women. Followed up with two people who had just posted to the group (so they are online). No reply. 

On Saturday, I went to the skate park for lesson 3. I’m still clunky as fuck but I’m enjoying learning a new physical (vs. mental) skill. The badasses seem to be skating faster and faster at the park so I’m having to dodge people everywhere. That said, it’s amazing to witness their tricks and mad skillz.

In other news, our contractor started on our master bath expansion last week. So far, he’s been punctual, experienced, thorough, and super tidy. I’m hoping he stays reliable and good. This week after Bubs gets back to town, the plumbers will start moving the water/gas lines to accommodate the new bathroom configuration. I can say that I’m a good project manager, but too bad I’m not earning any money from it.

Incidentally, National Puppy Day also happened some time last week. I scrolled through pictures of Remy and Martin and then started bawling my eyes out again. Yup, when it rains, it pours. I’m going to the hot tub now to calm the fuck down. I really need to get my shit together before the start of a new week.

Where is This Going?

You know how every now and then, you meet people who are super cynical and kind of a buzzkill (raising my hand now)? So I mentioned before how I recently came across a name from my childhood on the neighborhood social media site, NextDoor. Mind you, I wasn’t stalking or digging around (though I’m not beyond that) at the time: I was simply trying to find the email address of a neighbor a few doors down, whom I had just met.

Anyway, when I clicked on the “Members” list, an alphabetical roster came up and I saw this name, let’s just say it’s “Adam Bowers,” except that it was kinda a specific/unique name. Long story short, I reached out to him, he is INDEED the guy from my childhood and we made plans to meet, esp bc we now live two streets away. So I just thought it was the most interesting story about how two people from the same neighborhood, same middle/high school, both with fathers in medicine (his dad was my pediatrician), went from that small hometown all the way across the country to the same exact neighborhood in California. I mean, sure there were other details too like about me having a minor crush on him and we were in the same calculus class, blah, blah. BUT, I thought it was just an entertaining story. So when we were over for dinner recently at our very next door neighbor’s house (the one with the little girl who used to walk Martin), I told my story. And the dad just said, “Yeah, I find that nothing ever happens after those meetings. You never stay in touch or become friends or anything.” Um, I mean, I have def had my share of Debbie Downer days, but geez, way to burst my bubble, right? Where are my positive friends G and T when I need them?

Fast forward a few months and AB and his fam finally come over for wine and snacks last night. Haha, that’s my newest thing now– no dinner, just wine and snacks. It’s so much easier than cooking a full meal. Anyway, AB is married and has two kids. We had a nice time catching up. It’s funny bc he was at Duke after I left, so he and his wife are both familiar with the RDU area. They both work in tech and moved to the ‘hood the same year we did: 2010. We talked about their kids and their activities. Then I was feeling like we are nearing the end of a good conversational run… then, AB saw my skateboard by the fireplace. Incidentally, he used to be a skater, and his kids now skateboard! And he takes them to the nearby skate park— the one I’ve been meaning to scout out so I can practice. So whatdya know, now we’re talking about going over to the skate park together with the kids. AB says there’s a half pipe and he skated on it recently and crashed big time. The kids at the park even came up to ask if he was ok. Haha. Guess it had been 20+ years since he skated, but he said some of it came back. So yeah, we’ll see if that moves forward.

Later, J told me: “Yeah, they seem like really nice people but since they have kids, they don’t really have free time or adult-only time so as our conversation with them progressed, I kept thinking, ‘where is this going?'” Jesus. Who are you, my next door neighbor? I mean, I know what he’s saying. Parents, esp modern-day parents who like attend every. single. kid activity, really don’t have time for much else. So I dunno: maybe we’ll end up checking in with each other in another 10 years. That said, I just like the idea of knowing someone nearby in case of an emergency or whatever. We’ll see.

Tears from Laughing

I called my mom the other day. I swear to god, my peeps in Taiwan are nearly impossible to contact. Everyone has cell phones but they never answer their goddamn mobiles. And then the home phones never have fucking voice mail. It basically took me two days to finally talk to her. To my surprise, she sounds really good, like super energetic and chipper. She said she was having a blast with my aunt and her new feng shui friend: the other day, they laughed so hard, they were crying. Wow. For a joyless person, that’s pretty damn amazing.

Then she started telling me that my dad is too serious (i.e., he’s a buzzkill). He doesn’t know how to relax. I mean, yes, I have said the very same shit about BOTH my parents. And yet, I couldn’t help but come to his defense. I mean, hello, that’s what happens when people are burdened with a shit ton of responsibilities to take care of things for OTHER people!! Maybe if she and my brother could like handle their own shit, he could actually chill the fuck out! Seriously, I was reminded of John’s favorite scene in A Few Good Men, where Jack Nicholson is on the stand and he talks about people being such ingrates while they enjoy the freedom and protection that HE provides. For reals. Somehow I managed to voice it without annoyance, and my mother agreed that dad handles a lot…

Anyway, I’m thinking now that I may fly to Taiwan for a week after my dad gets his travel dates. I really hate visiting family, but things might be different with mom (and maybe dad) thinking more openly.  Plus, between my grandparents and my mom, mortality feels like a closer reality.

Striking a Balance

I know I say this a lot, but a lot’s been going on. Shiiit!

Work wise, this month’s training calendar at the office was especially intense. I guess the higher ups were wanting to get people into the habit of working every day during the week… I dunno. It’s been good, but I’ve been getting frustrated by the crammed training room and wonky internet connection. Half the time, the classes are supposed to be available online and on the few occasions I’ve logged in remotely, the connection doesn’t work or some component is broken (e.g. no audio) or whatever. Then, even when I go in person, the broadband is super unreliable and when we log into sites for files or contracts, we can’t access them! In the beginning, I was patient about it, but now it’s really starting to irk me. I’m going to say something to the office manager: I mean, all of us are paying monthly “business fees” to use the office, so that basic infrastructure needs to fricking work.

Meanwhile, I’m wrapping up my lender meetings. In total, I reached out to almost 30. One lender invited me to an office event with a guest speaker. I figured since it was a Big 5 bank and the talk was over lunch, there would be food and refreshments. Not a damn. thing. I was pretty surprised, but Bubs says big banks are damn cheap. Ok, that sucks. The talk itself was good: the lady was a real estate economist, so she had a bunch of insights and projections about the road ahead. I’m feeling more comfortable these days understanding and talking about the real estate market and the broader economy. In this area, real estate is def going to get tougher and tougher to crack for homebuyers at the entry-level. With interest rates going up, the amount people can afford via a loan goes down, and since housing supply is also low, there is competition among buyers. In multiple offer situations, first-time homebuyers are going to be nudged out by investors and/or people who have stronger finances and therefore stronger offers.

Speaking of harder, John made a comment the other day that he didn’t realize the inventory in Silicon Valley is so tight. That means it’s going to be even harder for newbie agents to get in the game bc there are a bunch of agents, including experienced ones, vying for a limited number of transactions. Ugh. I’m def feeling a little frustrated but I just gotta keep pounding.

Incidentally, I finally put the majority of my contacts (though not all) into my database and I crafted intro messages announcing my new career, explaining how I came into real estate, and seeking referrals to my business. I reached out to probably 150 people, and I would say I got replies from less than 15 people.  I mean, the people who replied were incredibly sweet and supportive, but still zero leads.

And one ex-colleague I knew was planning to sell his house, but he has been hard to schedule meetups with for the last few months. Honestly, I feel like he has been avoiding me. He replied to my eblast and said it was well done, but then he made no mention of his plans. I was so upset by the obvious omission of info that I started crying. That’s the hard thing about sales. There’s a TON of rejection, and when it comes from people you know and people you hope would trust you and your work, it hurts.

One of my friends tried to tell me not to take it so personally: she says that guy’s so savvy, he might be someone to just do a for sale by owner. Still, I was disheartened even if I wasn’t completely surprised. After feeling sorry for myself assuming that he just didn’t want to work with me, I gathered the courage to just ask him flat out: What are your plans? If you aren’t already working with an agent, I’d love to work together. Then no reply for a few more days. I felt so down about myself. And then he finally replied that he and the wife were holding on to the property for another year. Still, no mention that he would use me when the time came…

But that just has to be enough. All I can do is work hard, build my skills, and make the ask. I can’t force people. Ultimately, it is their choice.

So see? I still struggle with these insecurities. Despite all the desensitization exercises I have done– putting myself in uncomfortable situations, dangling myself out there, subjecting myself to strangers and old acquaintances, testing my sociability, my likability, my attractiveness, my charisma, etc.– some days it really is exhausting, and I end up feeling lame. At 40, I def feel more confident and less susceptible to caring about what other people think, but still, there will always be a piece of me that worries about being competent, engaging, and likable… I think it’s human nature, no? I try to remind myself that I’m a good person who is genuinely curious and caring and helpful. But I dunno: I could always use a few mini affirmations to persuade me that I’m moving in the right direction.

Sheesh. All these mental weaknesses are such hindrances. They set me back and cause me to lose momentum, and WHY do I allow that to happen? My managing broker (the surfer dude) is an incredibly confident guy. To the people who don’t respond and don’t offer any support, he simply says, “Who cares? You need to find your tribe. Your tribe is people who believe in you– people who want you to succeed.” I suppose he’s right. And maybe with real estate, the people you mesh with don’t necessarily have to be your friends. In other words, your friends and clients can be the same but don’t HAVE to be. Yup, overthinking it.

Last week I met with a lender and her loan officer. I talked with them about various areas where I thought we could work together. Do you hold homebuying seminars or community education events? No. Do you host open houses with agents? No. Do you want to do any co-branded outreach? No. Ok then. I mean, how are they planning to retain and/or build clientele for purchase loans? It was a total waste of time. And God, I had been back and forth trying to schedule the meeting for weeks. All for nothing. And then at my office, I don’t click with any of the other agents on a friend level. So I go into the office like every weekday and there is no connection. I mean, I like the broker and I like my coach, but they aren’t really people you would go to lunch with or hang out on weekends. Dud.

Needless to say, I’ve been feeling a little frustrated, so I am turning to my hobbies again to try and regain some perspective. Skateboarding class no. 2 was fun. I am super awkward and clunky with my kickturns. Plus, the skatepark is totally overrun by a bunch of legit badasses zooming around all over, doing their tricks and stunts… Whatever. I enjoy focusing on learning something physical. Reminds me a bit of the focus/intensity I had when horseback riding. I want to start that up again. Too many interests!

 

Think Open

Last week, Dad called me late at night sounding extremely unsettled. His sister had taken my mother to the brain doctor in Taiwan, and the scan results showed all kinds of plaque… I don’t remember what the specific medical terminology was, but it basically confirmed Alzheimer’s. The doctor recommended that she start medication immediately.

And then Dad ranted off about a whole series of things:

  • Already, a week in to her stay, my brother is hardly ever home, meaning my mother is home alone for large chunks of time. Johnny has basically gone off the deep end (which happened years ago), so he spends all his free time outside of teaching hanging out with the religious cult. My mother was attending some of the group activities with him– including facilitated meditation and some stretching/exercise classes– but on days when she felt tired, he would simply go without her.
  • According to Dad, J would also get mad at mom when she refused to go. Or, if she didn’t do the meditation while he was gone, he would chide her. But she simply couldn’t remember the full sequence of chants…
  • Normally, it would seem NBD for mom to be home alone. However, given the latest test results, my father is extremely concerned about her safety while unsupervised. You’ve heard all those scary stories about people with Alzheimer’s forgetting about the stove being on or leaving the house and forgetting how to get back home.
  • My father’s family introduced my mom to another lady who lives nearby. She started hanging out a bit with my mom, but she’s rather religious AND in sharing her Feng Shui knowledge, she immediately deemed the Taipei condo to be incorrectly laid out. She claimed the layout was the culprit for all their relationship woes with my brother. The recommended solution? Sell the condo. Yup, she did go there.
  • After the doctor’s appointment, as soon as my aunt took my mom home to Johnny’s place, he told her not to take the meds. He insisted that doctors/western med will be the death of everyone! He told them to trash the meds. Now THIS is where we have a major problem. My father is a doctor, and my brother declares that doctors are scammers. Drug companies are scammers. Meanwhile, my brother is selling deer placenta supplements, and he’s in a religious cult. My dad believes those ventures to be scams. So see? Constant conflict. I mean, how are these two people possibly in the same goddamn family, right? Having done my own research, I think both of Johnny’s organizations are multilevel marketing (MLM) structures. I’m sure he genuinely believes in the effectiveness of those pills. Still, I don’t like the coercive tactics I have personally witnessed, and I won’t ignore the dangerous and deceptive nature of those kinds of organizations that rely so damn heavily on recruits.

Anyway, I tried to calm my dad down by asking questions to get to the core of what’s bugging him. On one hand, he has always been on the protective side of things, but man, he was seriously freaking out. And he kept saying that he was trying to get all his tax paperwork done so he could get back to Taiwan.

I tried my best to break shit down into smaller chunks. Here’s the thing: Taiwanese culture is extremely superstitious and religious. For an itty bitty island in Asia, there are an INSANE number of temples (over 16,000 registered) all over the place. There are more temples per capita than any other country in the world. And those temples are all built from private funds, meaning the Taiwanese drop a huge amount of dough towards religion (Buddhism or Taoism or whatever). Yes, my brother seems more brainwashed than the average person there, but I’m just saying the baseline is still way higher than what we’re used to here in the US.

Second, same goes for Feng Shui. So fine, the lady tells us to sell the house. I mean, the house belongs to mom and dad. It’s still their decision. But I think Dad just doesn’t like my mom being in the presence of “brainwashed” people. Maybe he thinks they will influence her the way they have influenced my brother…

Third, the MOST stressful aspect of this is my brother telling mom NOT to take the prescription meds. In fact, he urged her to double her dose of deer placenta, which he incidentally sells! I know, right? When my aunt asked the doctor, he was skeptical about the deer pills making a difference, but he didn’t believe they would hurt. So for now, mom is taking both.

After getting the rundown, I finally zoomed into the core thing: Dad, we can’t control other people believing in religion or feng shui or deer placenta. We can only control what we ourselves think and how we can take care of mom.

The next day, I called mom for her bday. I was prepared for complete incoherence and craziness, but oddly, she sounded better than I’d heard in a long while. She was more energetic, more lively. And after I asked her about the events she was attending, she sounded fine. She enjoys the group meditation, even if she’s not fully entrenched with the religion. In other words she participates casually but more for the interaction and exercise than for the religious aspect. And she really didn’t seem that bothered by the feng shui lady either. It was like, she was ok with disagreeing with the woman.

Finally, to my surprise, she expressed no frustration about my brother never being around. She said she is def feeling better after taking the supplements for a month, but she’ll add the prescription meds and see what happens. Totally logical!

I asked how her mood was so good, and she said she just stopped caring. Say what??? Yeah, she just doesn’t care anymore. And she doesn’t want to be going back and forth from the US to Asia anymore. She even gave the ok for me to start downsizing their stuff.

We talked a bit about my real estate work. She and my dad have dramatically changed their tune in the last several months. Whereas before, they seemed super obsessed about me attaining professional success, they now tell me to give myself time and to take care of myself.

I told my mom to keep doing her meditation and exercise, bc those activities are good for slowing the mental degradation. And then I started to cry. Mortality changes things. I think back to last November when I swore I hated her. Even a few weeks ago, when she insisted on staying back in Taiwan, I was so annoyed. But since then, the medical tests are more conclusive, and time certainly feels more finite than ever.

She told me not to cry: Life twists and turns, and we must make the best of the hand we are dealt. I was so sad thinking about the path ahead towards an inevitable end, and yet, at the same time, I felt a strange tinge of relief. I am a daughter raised by two people who spent a lifetime obsessing about fixing all that was not good enough or all that was wrong in their lives. Their tenacity is a large part of their success, but it was also a huge part of their failure to attain happiness. At long last, they are letting go. There is a phrase in Chinese that translates to “think open.” It means to let go and open your mind. After seven decades with their thoughts and emotions tied compulsively tight, those knots are finally unraveling. Life changes in an instant.

A Week Ago in Baja

About one week ago, we are just getting back from San Jose del Cabo. I finally got around to uploading our pics. Indeed, we were in a stunning place for a few days. And yet, J and I, being the Pu Pu Platters that we are, still found reasons to complain. I know, we are incorrigible. But I am inspired by my friends who are positive people: I’m going to focus less on the negative and just talk about the positive.

We had a totally sweet room– it was probably the size of the whole front half of the Houseboat. The resort also had like a gabillion swimming pools. Plus, our room was like 100 meters from the ocean. And our resort basically offer private access to the beach. My favorite part of the trip was Bubbey’s bday dinner at the onsite fancy Mexican-French fusion restaurant, Cafe des Artistes. When we walked in for our reservation, they asked if we were celebrating a special ocassion. Indeed, we were! After they found it it was J’s bday, they treated us to two complimentary glasses of bubbly, and then when we were seated at our table, they had decorated the top with a bunch of festive confetti bits. It was lovely. And the food/service were really impeccable. For dessert, they came out with a mirrored tray covered with goodies, a beautiful sugar syrup sculpture designed like a giftbox, and a little sparkler! Then, the wait staff gathered around the table and sang happy bday! It was just fantastic and I wish my pic weren’t so blurry (it was dim in there), but Bubbey’s face showed such delight.

Overall, I would recommend the spot with the caveat that the resort is indeed isolated. And the restaurants on site, except for Cafe des Artistes, serve western fare. If those don’t bother you, the facility and grounds are just gorgeous. There’s an onsite spa, live music at the restaurants at night, a huge kids center, a fitness center, plus freebie activities like yoga and mezcal or tequila tastings. Yes, we indulged in the mezcal tasting bc you know how I am about amenities. :)[FAG id=7506]

Kindness of Strangers

My friend K has always said that true friends become apparent in times of sickness. In her example, her nephew got very sick years ago, and she explains that as she shared the news amongst her circles, so many people said absolutely nothing. Like no reply. And that’s when she realized who she needed to cut out of her life.

When she made that statement, I remembered thinking that she was really unforgiving. I mean, who knows what other people are dealing with in their own lives and certainly, there has been a time or two when I didn’t know what to say to horrible news from an acquaintance. Perhaps K was just being too judgy. In my younger years, I was certainly of that same nature: people needed to be accountable for their behavior, goddamnit! And I would judge them without remorse, bc things were very black and white to me back then.

As I got older, I became more flexible, more willing to consider other circumstances, more willing to grant the benefit of the doubt. I took things less personally. It was a conscious change, bc I thought my personality needed it: I was feeling too many negative thoughts from it.

But in the last few years as our family has encountered death on numerous occasions and to varying degrees of abruptness, I can say that I have felt incredibly disappointed and hurt by the lack of response from people I consider friends.

I mean, clearly I have a history of being disappointed with my friends and acquaintances. I’ve probably detailed the various scenarios ad nauseam. In the past, it was little shit though. Work-related crap. An introduction here or there. To me, a very minor request that is NBD. For whatever reason, people didn’t get to it. Or maybe they didn’t feel comfortable and rather than just telling me so, they just ignored my requests.

For example, with two friends who used to work in the mortgage industry, I asked them to consider introducing me to their old contacts, just bc it’s always easier to set up meetings with “linked” people vs. absolute strangers, right? I mean, I’d already gotten a bunch of lender “doughnut drops” under my belt and I wasn’t above doing those random walk-ins, but to boost my likelihood of getting referrals, I thought this secondary approach would be helpful in conjunction. So like I hit up our own lender whom we used when buying the houseboat; I also met with a lender my friend M used; then, I met with the mortgage broker who handled all our refis… those meetings were helpful and insightful! Anyway, I never heard back. And it wasn’t just some canned email I sent them either: I spent time thinking back to when we last left off, what was new with them… what’s new with me. That shit takes time. And mind you, it’s ALWAYS me checking in on them. Me initiating everything and anything. I shared that Marty died before Christmas. NO. REPLY. I followed up a month later in January. Apologies and then again, no material form of help. That kind of behavior is incredibly hurtful and disappointing. Sure, my trainers keep telling us that sales and marketing is about sifting through piles and piles of dirt to find your gold. You have to find your tribe. You’ll meet tons of people, and you won’t click with lots of them. You have to move fast, not dwell on the rejection or the mismatch, and keep searching for your kind of people. Sure, I get the numbers game. I understand that there’s no time to waste in getting upset. And I can even understand the benefit of having a thicker skin when dealing with lack of response or flat out rejection (um, been there, done that years ago in Phase I).

But I suppose the thing that bothers me is that a lot of these people WERE my tribe– people with whom I thought there really was a genuine connection, people who I worked very hard to value and honor and help in whatever way I could. Not bc I knew I would seek business or help from them in the future, but bc I believe in helping my friends, and by extension, helping friends of friends. And honestly, between the death of Cormac, our friend Chuck, Remy, Mo, Martin, and my father-in-law, it breaks my heart to have the saddest of news fall on deaf ears. I cannot tell you how many people not only did not reply within like 48 hours but they NEVER replied. With my typical naivete, I was so incredulous by their zero response that I even dared to follow up: Did you get my email??? Oh yes, sorry for your loss.

Sigh. Who does that? I mean, don’t make me beat it out of you or anything! These encounters are hard to accept, bc it’s not just simple rejection from a stranger. It almost feels like a kind of betrayal. Is it our modern society being desensitized to death? Are people really THAT busy? I’m flabbergasted. In my heart of hearts, I still believe them to be good people who mean no harm, and yet what a cold and insensitive reaction. SMH.

On the plus side, many of my close friends were immediate on hearing the news. They gave us space but also checked in. I will say too that I have been pleasantly surprised by the kindness of strangers. I had to cancel a bunch of meetings, and one lender who recently lost her mother in the fall– also suddenly and abruptly— wrote me the kindest email offering a shoulder to cry on. We had only met one time at an association mixer and she was so gracious. Similarly, Ramona’s parents: the supportive messages and gifts… it helped restore some small faith in humanity. Sigh.

Fire Under the Ass

Holy crap, how is March here already? By the end of this month, we will have completed the first quarter of 2017. Say what??? Yes, we are just back from a quick vacation. Sadly, my anxiety levels are right back up to pre-vacay status. Part of the thing is, I feel like the last few months have been so stop and go. I gain momentum then life shit happens and I lose steam. Repeat. I mean, granted, that is life and there’s nothing that can be done about it. I just have to climb back in the saddle and move forward. But man, it’s frustrating bc my new line of work already has so many ups and downs in and of itself and then couple that with the rollercoaster ride outside of work and it feels overwhelming.

And then the week before our vacation, our office had a team meeting. Our CEO gave a market update presentation but also recognized three newbies for their work ethic and gumption. First, I didn’t even know there was such a recognition and then second, I wasn’t among them. And that REALLY bummed me out, bc I honestly feel like I have been working hard. Every damn day my calendar is packed! Between reconnecting with old contacts, meeting people over lunch/coffee (to plant the seed), attending trainings at the office and through multiple associations, previewing homes, studying market data, and updating my databases, I feel like I am doing A LOT. So his whole award announcement was that these ladies were unafraid. They tabled. They door knocked. They held open houses. Ok, well I didn’t do those particular strategies… my methods have been more personal and one-on-one…  plus I missed several trainings bc of Martin, Montana, Maryland, and Mexico (whoa, all Ms!). So fine. Maybe I wasn’t the top student. I think the other reason it really bugged me is bc two of the ladies kinda irk my nerves. Like the one who door knocks: she’s super LOUD when she talks and she’s just kind of annoying in her communication style. I mean, I won’t go into the various scenarios but like today: she did the “how are you” thing where instead of a question that prompts a conversation, it’s used as a greeting. Like she didn’t even bother to hear my reply. I asked how things were going and she said “going” and turned around and sat down. Huh? Anyway, just one example. Whatever. Regardless, I was bummed out.

But in usual fashion, as the end of the day rolled around, I stopped my pity party and resolved to work harder. That night and the next day, I reached out to more people, got to rescheduling that reunion for my old workplace (startup), and contacted more lenders, scheduled meetings to discuss hosting homebuying seminars. I don’t always do things by the book. Sometimes I have trouble following rules, bc I have my own style and approach. As someone who used to work in communications, I’m pretty particular about how I interact and engage with people. Yes, I overthink ALL of it. So no regrets for the work and effort I’ve put in to date. I like my style bc it feels more genuine to me, but at the same time, I know that I need to amp up some parts of my strategy. Maybe it’ll mean being more direct about asking for referrals. Maybe I will start talking about market trends and reasons for buying vs renting in more conversations… I do need to push farther and that’s a good outcome from the team meeting.