As soon as I woke up this morning, I called my parents. I’m actually surprised I didn’t get the usual call from them on Friday or Saturday night… anyway, they are gearing up for another trip back to Asia, and honestly, my dad did not sound or look well. He is stressed.

He keeps saying there’s too much to do and he’s trying to simplify, but I dunno: I feel like it’s a year later and he still hasn’t offloaded multiple properties that were already pending last year… it’s complicated. And then when I asked him about the primary residence, again, he said the house behind them is for sale so there’s too much competition.

I repeated to him that we have limited time, and we lived and enjoyed the family home for many decades. It doesn’t have to have a high return on investment, bc it’s not an investment property. Ugh. He always agrees, but then when push comes to shove, he basically sticks with his original thinking. In other words, he verbally agrees, but then his actions don’t. It’s frustrating.

I also reiterated that he and mom need to decide where they want to live: Taiwan or the US, bc we are going to need to start researching places, esp given mom’s declining mental state. I asked if mom even likes living in Taiwan, and he said he didn’t know. See? That’s how damn detached my family is from their emotions. Everything is a pragmatic decision to the point that they don’t even recognize having preferences or wants. Argh!!

I then said I wanted to speak to mom, and as he walked the phone (Facetime) upstairs, he started to cry, saying yes, take the opportunity now to talk to her while she still knows who we are… And then my heart just kind of broke.

After all these years, I have only seen my father cry a handful of times. He didn’t even cry when his mother died. I tried to stay strong and focus on next actions. Last week, Johnny had emailed dad all this stuff about the benefits of meditation in combating dementia. I didn’t read the email, but I had seen the subject line since my dad has me monitor his email. I asked dad, and he just said he couldn’t ever rely on my brother and he didn’t read any of that. He didn’t print it out for mom either, bc she won’t be able to read and understand it. It’s true: Johnny linked to like medical abstracts and shit… I mean, I guess he’s trying to appeal to my dad’s medical background to convince/persuade him, but Jesus Christ, my father is no longer in that state. He is clearly overwhelmed.

Still, I’m glad Johnny brought up the topic, bc it is indeed true. So I told my dad that I would research meditation and yoga exercises and send them forward. I pretty much researched shit all day long: I combed through YouTube to find decent guided exercises— one in meditation and then several for chair yoga. My parents need to fucking get moving! Seriously, their isolation and sedentary lifestyle is only worsening their decline! And this is certainly a reminder that I need to get my own activity levels going…

After that research, I started looking into assisted living options. There are A LOT in this area, and I even found a Chinese community, but it’s kinda gross inside. And my dad likes shit new, clean, and fancy. I cross-referenced a bunch of sources: Yelp, Caring.com, US News & World Reports… I have a list now but shit, maybe I’ll just drop in and tour a few. Price-wise, holy shit that crap is expensive. We’re talking $7k-$9k/month and I don’t even know if that includes having to buy the property or what. Argh!! J also suggested looking a bit father out, like maybe Walnut Creek or Morgan Hill…

And then I suddenly felt so deflated. I mean, how scary to not know where to live and then to enter into a community where you don’t know anybody… My parents aren’t exactly social people, and… I dunno. Thinking about the whole thing just made me so sad. I mean, fortunately, my parents have resources, but shit, while they are rich in resources, they are certainly poor in friendships and in community. I was glad to find many of the places offering programs for dementia and Alzheimer’s, but then I was thinking: how uncomfortable will it be for dad if he has to hang out with all dementia people? Is it better then to have them buy a condo/residence and then we hire in-home care? I just don’t know, and I doubt that they even know. Then, it’s like: should they live with us? Seems unlikely and yet I worry about them finding a suitable place. And now I see the dilemmas they’ve been facing all along with my grandparents… This life shit really does come full circle, right? I’m feeling so overwhelmed.

Meanwhile, my father in-law fell multiple times last week. Then his feet started swelling and now he’s in the hospital until Tuesday. His bloodwork shows a serious infection: he received multiple blood transfusions and is now on oxygen. Before, doctors thought he had Parkinson’s bc he seemed to respond to those meds, but now they are suspecting leukemia or MDS. My mind is racing in a gabillion directions right now. I’m gonna have to start up on that meditation shit myself.