After returning from the excessive family time over Christmas, I found myself feeling supremely irritable and cranky. John had thanked me for the dumpster day, but I was so frustrated by the mental strain of going through the motions with both families during the holidays. And considering the number of times I’ve gone to Taiwan solo, I didn’t feel acknowledged enough. I mean, every time I go back for the holidays, I come back and get sick. What does that say about the level of stress? Sure, there are things you have to endure. Life isn’t about having things your way all the time. I get that. I suppose, yet again, this will be a scenario where I’m supposed to adjust how I interact and react with the families. That’s the only thing I can control. Annoying, in and of itself.

Second, I’m feeling a little wedged about conflicting demands. While J’s off of work, we want to travel (and of course max out my Companion Pass), but if I really want to get a good start on my real estate job, I need to put in the saddle time. J just signed up for a leather working class that’s all day Tuesdays in SF. It’s an intensive class and I’m thrilled he’s doing it, bc he so rarely pursues his interests in a formal setting involving strangers. But that means we have Wednesday to Mondays for travels. I just found out that I have intensive real estate training starting up in January that’s Wednesday through Fridays. That leaves weekends, which in most industries would be fine, except that weekends are big days for real estate… so I dunno. I’m sure like in any relationship, these are scheduling kinks that you just have to work out… my situation isn’t unique and certainly, we don’t have kids’ schedules to throw into the mix. Still, when I think forward about the growing familial demands as both sides age and become more dependent on us, I really worry about fitting it all in.

And then I feel angry about my brother and how useless he is. I know my parents try not to ask too much of me, but between the dual country living, multiple properties, my mom being so dependent, and my parents being miserable, not physically robust people living far away from me, attending to their needs is kind of intense. If I think on it for too long, I fall into that horrible blaming mode. Like why do they continue to parent like tards and bc of that, Johnny is a mess. And bc of this and that, things are so much more complicated than they need to be. It gets me so pissed!

I mean, for people who are traditional planners, there’s just a little too much procrastination and inaction due to over-optimization. For example, this last trip with my parents… dad is wondering again about where he and mom are going to live after selling the family home. The original plan was Taiwan full time, but the recent political instability is possibly changing that. J and I have mentioned to them a few times that California makes a lot of sense: it’s closer to us, the weather is more moderate, there’s a vibrant Chinese community, and Taiwan is a direct flight. But my dad, always trying to over optimize his finances, doesn’t like:

• the high costs of living (including real estate),
• the liberal politics = inefficient/wasteful social programs that result in high taxes, and
• the earthquake risk paired with expensive housing that’s really old construction.

At the end of the day, these are not factors he cannot afford to address, you know? Like he could live in new earthquake-friendly construction. He can afford the high taxes and cost of living, so ultimately, what he’s chosen is a path to optimize his finances to the detriment of his own preferences and enjoyment. In other words, of course in many cases you need to live within your means and be smart with your money, bc who knows what lies ahead. However, in his case, the choices don’t have to be so dire and irreversible. He has options: maybe not every single piece of property he owns has to be an investment-savvy decision. Sometimes, you pay a premium, bc that’s what it costs to live in a place with good weather, diversity, and big city access. Anyway, it’s a frustrating thing trying to reason with someone so OCD about his way of doing things. Several times on this trip, I commented to him that I don’t understand why he insists on being so rigid and inflexible. He just has to have things his way.